All language subtitles for Murphy Brown s11e06 Results May Vary.eng

♪♪

Avery, I'm on my way
out the door in five minutes.

Do you want
any more coffee?

Avery:
Nope! Almost ready!

I have never looked forward more
to a midterm election.

Finally,
after 655 days

of this reality show
we call a government,

America gets to vote
some of these clowns

off the island
and I get to report it.

All set.
How do I look?

[ Imitating Donald Trump ]
Many people are saying I look terrific.

Avery Robert Brown, take off
that tie before I cut it off.

Oh, right. I forgot,

you have no sense of humor
before sun-up.

Yeah, well, it's hard to have
a sense of humor

when we're facing one of
the most consequential midterms

in decades.

Yeah. And it may not go
the way you're hoping.

I'm well aware of that.

I've been surprised
by a lot of things

in the past couple
of years,

one of them being
that the child

Dan Quayle raked me
over the coals for conceiving

is now working
at the Wolf Network.

The place
where truth goes to die.

My values are still
the exact same as yours, okay?

But you got to admit,

my career choice
is paying off.

Getting to cover the election
alongside John Haggerty --

that's a big deal
for me.

Yes, it is.
And I'm surprised

that Haggerty agreed to go on
in the daytime.

Isn't that when he's supposed
to be inside his coffin,

avoiding the burning rays
of the sun?

Rag on him all you want.

He is a Wolf Network
conservative superstar.

He runs a zoo
and all he does

is throw raw meat
to his audience.

Yeah, well,
today your son --

or as BuzzFeed calls me, "the
Millennial Anderson Cooper" --

will be doing his best
to add just a little bit

of objectivity
to his network.

Good luck with that because
we could be on the air

for up to 24 hours.

And I bet you don't make it to
the end of Haggerty's broadcast

without losing your cool.

All right. 20 bucks says
that you won't make it

to the end of your broadcast
without nodding off on air.

Well, you are on.

Because I am a pro.

From start to finish,
I will be alert, focused,

and totally neutral.

[ Chuckling ]
Yeah, right.

If a state goes
from red to blue,

you will never know it
from the expression on my face.

Really?

That's for commercial breaks.

♪♪

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Noisemaker blares ]

Good morning,
my fellow Americans!

Ready to cover
an election?

Please tell me that is not
the same party horn

from two years ago.

I'm not saying
I'm superstitious,

but if it is,
I'm burning it right now.

I just love voting.

I remember the first time
I was in a booth.

I was just a little girl
when my mama took me in --

and then made me promise
not to tell my daddy

she didn't vote
for Nixon.

I carried that lie like a yoke
around my neck...

until I caught Daddy
making out with a waitress

from the Waffle House.

Then I had something
on both of them.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

So now you know
why I love voting so much.

There they are, the best
news team in the business!

Even if we're on the air
for the next 24 hours straight,

we're gonna give America
the kind of rock-solid,

old-fashioned journalism
they really need right now.

[ Noisemaker blares ]

Only during
commercial breaks.

Pat![ Noisemaker blares ]

My man!

First time
going on camera.

How do you feel?

I caught a glimpse of myself
in wardrobe,

and I screamed.

I get it.
You're nervous,

but we need you
to look professional.

Yeah. But do I have
to wear this?

It's like something
my parents would put me in

to meet the wife
they picked for me.

Listen, it's natural to have
a few preshow jitters.

But if this situation
was made for anyone,

it was made for you.

Who else could keep track
of all the data

flashing across the big board,
analyzing trends,

trying to remember
which is Kansas

and which is Nebraska,

all with millions of people
watching you live?

I can't breathe.You'll be great.

Hey, Phyllis!
Hey, Miguel!

Miles, here's the
breakfast sandwich you ordered.

Thanks, buddy.

Yo, Pat,
nice outfit.

I didn't know it was
your Bar Mitzvah.

Mazel tov.

And now the room
is spinning.

I got everything you asked for,
Miles.

10 gallons of Phil's
special blend, extra strong.

And enough energy drinks
to keep this crew going

till the next election.

Excellent.

We wouldn't want
a repeat

of the cottonmouth fiasco
of 2000.

Would we, Frank?

That wasn't
my fault.

It was those old people
in Florida

and their damn
hanging chads!

"We're thtill waiting
for the returnths

from Tharathoda."

Menopause
has made you mean.

Now, this is
my personal stash.

Hands off!

So, this is it.

Mission control.

Oh! Hey, look at me.

I'm --
I'm...everywhere.

[ Stammers ]

Oh, yeah.

You go, girl.

You really should go,
Phyllis.

Okay, places, everyone!

In five, four,
three, two...

[ Theme music plays ]

Welcome to
"Murphy in the Morning."

It's November 6th,
Election Day in America,

a day when control
of both houses of Congress

hangs in the balance.

We'll be with you
from the very first vote cast

to the final tally.

And joining us on the big board
is our newest addition,

the Doctor of Data, the
Millennial Maestro of Metrics,

Pat Patel.

♪♪

Good morning.
I'm John Haggerty,

and this is...

[ Wolf howls]

..."The Wolf Pack,"

the place to come for honest
and objective reporting.

To my right is the beautiful
Callie Clark,

and on my left,
rising network star Avery Brown,

who's a little on the left
even when he's not on the couch.

Am I right, big guy?

[ Chuckles ]
John, you're so far right,

you're almost pushing Callie
off the couch.

[ Laughs ]

Stick with us
for what polling has shown

could be a big day
for Republicans.

Yes. Of course,
that is just one poll -- ours.

Correct.
The only one we trust.

And, you know, Avery,
with over a dozen states

successfully purging
voter rolls,

we won't have to worry
about dead voters

electing Democrats again.

Amen to that, John.

Hey, Wolf Pack,

I want to tell you
about my latest book --

"Mike Pence,
God's Vice President."

If you haven't bought
your copy yet,

here's a brief commercial
to tell you how you can get it.

Be right back.

[ Theme music plays ]

Man: And we're out.

Look, kid,
I know you're just a pup,

but on "The Wolf Pack,"
I'm the alpha.

I make the jokes,

and when I say something,
you go along with it.

Right, Callie?

Amen to that, John.

Yeah, you know, I just want
to make sure

that we're living up to
the "honest and objective" part

of our reporting.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Hey, do you know
that the President calls me

every single night
before he goes to sleep?

That's...a little creepy.

He asks for my advice.

I give it to him.

The next day,
he goes into the Oval Office

and does what I told him
to do.

I'm actually running
the country.

That's a good one.

Oh, you're not kidding.

Julius:
Back in 15, people. Stand by.

Frank, you might want
to pace yourself with these.

I spilled some
on the floor of my car.

Now I can see pavement.

Who cares?
I feel like Iron Man.

Butta-gutta-butta-gutta-she
sells seashells by the seashore.

Oh, yeah!

No cotton mouth
for this guy.

In three, two...

[ Theme music plays ]

Murphy:
If you're just joining us,

this is a special
"Murphy in the Morning" --

because it's not morning.

It's 3:00 p.m.,
to be exact.

So...four more hours to go

before the first polls close.

To some people, that might
seem like a long time,

but not to
this well-oiled machine.

Turkey?

Tuna?

We won't be making
any projections

so as not to discourage members
of either party from voting.

But right now,
let's check in with Pat Patel.

What have you got, Pat?

The, uh, 18-to-24 demographic
has seen a 22.635927% increase.

Oh, wait, no.
That should be 22.635928%.

I wouldn't want
to make a critical --

Yeah,
that's fascinating, Pat.

Corky,
what have you got for us?

Corky: Well, Murphy,
as you know,

I've been checking in
with the good people

of East Winnsocket,
New Hampshire.

Who have voted
for the winning party

in every election
since 1850.

Am I right?Exactly.

Their polls open
at midnight,

and they are proud
of the fact

that every single
eligible person in town votes,

all 16 of them.

[ Chuckles ]

Let's talk with Emily Currier,
the town registrar.

Emily,
where do we find you?

In my garage,
our usual polling place.

[ Saw buzzes ]Henry, knock it off!

I'm on TV! We don't need
another stupid birdhouse!

Sorry.Will you hit 100%
this year?

Ayuh. We are just waiting
on Bill Cabot.

He likes to be
the last vote.

He's kinda full of himself.

Even his husband, Ed,
will tell ya

Bill can be a real pain.

I think he was having an affair
with Duncan, the Postmaster,

because for a while there,
nobody was getting their mail,

and then all of a sudden,

everybody was getting
their mail --

Talk to you later, Emily.

Frank,
what are you seeing?

[ Over-articulating ] Corky,
there's a record number of women

and people of color
running this year.

On the other hand, there's also
avowed Nazi Arthur Jones

in Illinois,

North Carolina's
Russell Walker,

who believes
Jews are satanic,

in Nevada, dead brothel owner
Dennis Hof.

It's a slight revision
of Lady Liberty's immortal poem,

"Give us your tired,
your poor,

your white supremacists,
your anti-Semites, your pimps."

Anybody know CPR?

I know the choices
that one party is offering.

And although Democrats
typically don't show up

for midterm elections, there is
a remarkably high turnout

in Pennsylvania,
which usually bodes pretty well

for left-leaning --What concerns me
are these reports

of uniformed gangs intimidating
voters in Philadelphia,

a classic Democrat ploy.

Amen to that, John.

Huh. You know,
I'm looking at the video,

and it appears to be
a Boy Scout troop

helping the elderly
across the street.

They may be dressed
like Boy Scouts, but come on.

Look, that guy's giving
the Black Power salute.

Yeah. No, I think
he's just hailing a cab

for an older woman.

Yeah. Why don't we, uh,
put this video up

so our viewers can see
for themselves.

I'm so sorry
to interrupt you again, Avery,

but it seems like we have a call
from a very important person.

Good afternoon,
Mr. President.

What an honor it is
to be talking

to the leader of the free world
on this important day.

How are you, sir?

President Trump:
I love election days.

I won the Electoral College,
you know.

I got like 306 and she got,
like, what, like 223.

There was no way
to break 270.

I heard that on CBS
and NBC and ABC.

They're all fake news.

Did you know that
I'm actually polling higher

than Abraham Lincoln?

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Wow.

Uh, sir,
Avery Brown here.

[ Clears throat ]
Yeah, I don't think

that they had polls
in Lincoln's time.

I know who you are.

Your mother
is not a nice lady.

And by the way,
no collusion.

Julius:
Two-minute warning, people!

[ Telephone ringing
in distance ]

I can cover for you
if you want to go vote.

Why bother?

Politicians all stink.

The Republicans start
a knife fight,

and the weenie Democrats
show up with spatulas.

Meanwhile,
nothing gets done.

Voting doesn't make
a difference.

It does if your last name
is Gonzales.

Aw, don't make me
feel guilty.

I've been here
since I was 2.

I feel like an American
in every way

except maybe
the most important.

You never had the pleasure
of lining up at the DMV

for seven hours?

I'm talking about voting.

You know, Dreamers like me
can't vote.

You can.
So why wouldn't you?

You can't vote?
Nope.

We pay taxes,
we serve in the military,

but we're not allowed
to go into that booth.

You really think you can
make me crack, don't ya?

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Yep.

And then I'm gonna get you
to give me health insurance.

With a dental plan.

Here's a dental plan for you --
stay away from sugar.

Pat.

It's okay.

You're --
You're doing great.

Um, do you think you could add
a little more --

what's the word
I'm looking for? --

life?

It's these clothes,
Miles.

I'm not myself.

I don't know who I am.

I'm uptight. I'm uncool.

Oh, my God.

I'm you.

At this point,
I don't care what you wear.

Just give me
some zhuzh.

More zhuzh.

You are so getting it!

-The only collusion...
-Sir --

...is the collusion
with the Democrats

and the Russians.Um...

You can look
at what's going on there.

-President Tr--
-It's a real problem.

We don't want
to keep you.

I'm sure you have
a lot of important things to do

besides talking to us.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
I want to hear

more about
the witch hunt.

Amen to that,
Avery.

It's a total hoax, I mean,
the whole Russia thing.

The FBI is totally corrupt,

and you look
at Crooked Hillary...

[ Raspy voice ] Well, we've been
on the air for 12 1/2 hours,

but we're now
only 30 minutes away

from most polls
closing in the East.

[ Pen clicking rapidly ]

And what's le--
Stop it.

And what's left
to talk about?

What...is...left?

Pat. Cut to Pat.

Tell us, Pat,
how are the Nazis, pimps,

and child molesters
doing in their districts?

I can't tell you that,
Murphy,

but I can tell you this --

in 2016, Pennsylvania,
Ohio, and Wisconsin

all went red,

driven by lower
urban voting

and increased turnout
in rural areas.

But tonight the question is,

will the counties that made
the difference switch back?

In crucial battleground areas,

voter enthusiasm
has completely negated

the effects of bad weather,

with a net increase of 19%,

right within
my margin of error.

This is so dope.

Back to you, Murphy.

Well, someone's found
his inner Kornacki.

Thank you, Pat.

Frank, do you think
this election

could set some records
for voter turnout?

Yes!

Okaaay.

Let's go back
to our sleepy New England town

to see if their results
will once again predict

the national outcome.

Corky, how's the voting going
in "Winnsucket"?

It's Winnsocket, Murphy,
East Winnsocket.

And of course, I'll be happy
to check back...

for the sixth time.

Emily, has Bill --

or as I call him,
"the invisible man" --

shown up yet?

Here he comes now.

About time, Bill.

[ Chuckles ]

Hello there, America.

You know, as I like to say,
you can't hurry love,

and you can't put a clock
on patriotism.

When I step into that booth
and I pull that lever,

it's with the knowledge
that our forefathers,

in all their
infinite wisdom --

Sweet Baby James, Bill,

get in the damn booth
and cast your damn vote!

Looks like the "elites"
have spoken.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

I said "damn" on the air.

In all these years,
I've never done that.

I've said "geez Louise,"

son of a biscuit eater,
hell's bells.

That wasn't me.

It's the [bleep] menopause!

And we're
into commercial!

Not a minute too soon.

That is gonna be costly.

But we can do this.

Just five more hours.

Five more?

This is worse
than childbirth --

and without the epidural.

Murphy,
do you need a break?

I can run
another commercial.

The network's always happy
to sell more catheters.

No way.
I promised my son

I'd make it to the end
of the broadcast,

even if it killed me.

And if it does,
the kid is out of the will.

Look at this.

There's just been
a new challenge

to Roe v. Wade.

Boy,
it never ends.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Yes,
I heard it, too.

Can you handle things
around here for half an hour?

What's that?
I researched city council members

and all the ballot measures.

Of course you did.

When I get back, we'll talk
about that health insurance.

Just talk about it.

Okay, good night,
Mr. President.

Enjoy those two scoops
of ice cream.

Mmm, vanilla.

Eric,
don't do that to the cat.

[ Receiver clicks ]

Why don't we take
a little break

so you people out there
can...

...go on your phones
and order my book.

Also available in audio book,
read by Ted Nugent.

[ Theme music plays ]

Man: We're clear.
Back in 20 seconds.

Listen, kid, I'm gonna give you
a little piece of free advice --

if you want a permanent seat
on this couch,

you'd better start
to get with the program.

Capisce?

You know, funny thing,
John --

no seat's ever permanent,
even yours.

There's always some younger wolf
comin' up right behind you.

Capisce?

Man: Stand by.

Ah-oooo.

Murphy: Polls are now closed
virtually everywhere,

and the one thing we know
for certain

is that I'm still standing

and my son owes me
20 bucks.

But what's really important
is that in a time

when democracy
is being challenged

and division and mistrust
permeate our society,

we must remember
that we're all in this to--

I see you looking intently
at something, Frank.

What have you got?I-I'm trying to see

the numbers
from "Mippisippi."

Did you just say
"Mippisippi"?

No, I said "Missespippi."

I mean, "Minnesippi."

Ugh!

Well, after 17 hours,
some of us are a little punchy,

but the important thing
to remember

is that today every American
has had an opportunity

for their voice to be heard,
from sea to "signing she."

[ Laughter ]

We were this close,
Pat.

This close.

Cut to the zhuzh.

I'm going in.

Well, you Wolf Packers,

it's been a roller coaster
of a night.

Amen to that, John.

It's almost midnight.

This all comes down
to Nevada.

I don't care.
I'm gonna call it.

You can't call it.

It's my show.
I can do whatever I want.

Hey, look at the board.

Nevada's in.

So that's it.

Wow.

Wow.

How about that?

Guys, guys.

Look at the board.

Wow.

I did not see that
coming.

Welcome to
the next two years.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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