Original subtitles

i just want all of you to know how bad i feel for the first time you allowed me

to play on your team and what happens

calling it a hit. Whirly Saver gave you a few easy pitches just because he

wanted to watch you run to first base in a t -shirt.

Let's see.

I, a woman, had one hit.

And you, a man, struck out twice and hit a high ball to the short man.

A pop fly to the shortstop.

She knows nothing about... this game and she gets a hit. I'm telling you, if

there is a god, her name is Shirley and she's having a good laugh right now. Why

wouldn't she be laughing when old Miles here gets tagged out twice by Leslie

Stahl?

That woman should not have been allowed in the game.

Who plays baseball in a dress and high heels? She left deep holes all over the

field. Well,

there's no use dwelling on it.

I'm heading home.

Doris is such a godsend on these dark days.

She always has my favorite dinner waiting for me.

Lamb chops, mashed potatoes, mint jelly.

She calls it loser food.

Maybe we'll go out tonight.

I'll walk out with you.

Will's waiting for me at home.

I can hardly wait to tell him how I picked somebody up at second base.

Pick somebody up!

Well,

Murph, it's just us again.

How would you like to be my honorary... loved one and go split a pizza, huh? I

thought you'd never ask. Just let me go get my bag. Check.

Murph, what's wrong?

What is that?

It's a book jacket.

The Electric Kool -Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe. Frank, that's the book I gave

Jake Lowenstein on August 28, 1968, the day we were married.

Frank, this means something.

I think he's here. Now, Murph, it could mean any number of things. Maybe you

whooped at somebody at the Book of the Month Club.

He's here.

I haven't seen him for years, but I always know when he's back.

Murphy.

Frank, it's him.

Go in there and get my bag, and then let's go have pizza.

Your ex -husband is in your office. You can't just run off.

I don't know. It seems like the right thing to do.

Let's give it a shot.

Murphy.

I know you weren't expecting me.

I should have called, but... Well, it just seemed like the predictable thing,

and... I'm sorry, I just lost my train of thought.

You look incredible.

I do?

Merle.

Merle? Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you two know each other? Jake Longstein, Frank Fontana?

Yeah, hi. I think we met the last time I was here. Yes, that's right, we did.

Well, Jake, uh...

Love to hang around and chew the fat, but Murphy and I have plans for dinner.

That's something we do a lot. We eat together.

I often pay.

Oh.

Oh, well, I had something really important to talk to you about.

It's really stupid of me just to show up like this assuming you'd have the night

free.

Oh, I'm an idiot.

And you are still the most beautiful woman in the world.

I hope you're taking good care of her, Frank.

I think you can read it on her face.

What are you doing? I have no idea.

Frank, maybe I should stay here.

Yeah, no problem. You know, actually, I've been thinking that it might be

healthy for us to spend a little time apart.

Oh, God, I'm doing it again.

So, last I heard of you, you were in the Middle East working with the Kuwaiti

resistance. Well...

Old 60s radicals die hard, I guess, huh?

You look good.

Same height, same hair, eyes, too.

Still crinkling when you smile, and the way that makes the hair on the back of

my neck stand up. Start talking any time, Jake, before I really embarrass

myself. Okay, I will.

Murphy, I'm moving to Washington.

What? Well... Murphy, for the last 23 years, I've been underground trying to

change the world from the outside, and, well, the old life's getting harder. I

mean, this last year, I threw my knee out running from the Federales in

and my back went out. I was thrown under some barbed wire in Liberia, and for

all that, the planet's not getting any better.

So now, I'm going to try it your way.

What do you mean? Well, I'm going to try and work within the system.

I'm going to organize lobbies and influence the people on the Hill and

eventually run for an office myself.

Wow.

That's a pretty big change for a guy who can pack everything he owns into the

trunk of a Volkswagen Beetle.

Murphy. Murphy.

There's another reason I'm here.

I think about you all the time.

How it could have been for us.

We always wanted the same things in our life.

We just had different ways of getting them.

But not anymore.

I'm on your side of the fence.

I'm in your backyard.

I want to get married again.

Married again?

Oh, gee, I hate to say this, but not five minutes ago, Fabian called and

proposed to me, too. Boy, I really... Murphy, Murphy, Murphy, I'm serious

this. I want us to live together and walk hand in hand in a protest march

together and read passages from the Iran -Contra transcripts to each other.

And I want us to make love to each other, the kind other people just dream

every day.

It was meant to be, Murphy.

I think you know that.

Oh, God, your eyes.

They're crinkling.

Surprise. That is the understatement of the year.

Jake, this is a phone company commercial.

I knew you were working hard all week, so I just wanted to do something to make

it better.

You are amazing.

And how did you ever manage to afford all this on a revolutionary salary?

Well, I just dipped into my border guard bribe fund for the flowers, and I

already had the tux from the time I crashed the opening at the Nixon

Now, I want you to just come over here, relax, and let everything except you,

me, and this room drift away.

Jake, this whole week with you has been incredible. I don't know how it could

get any better.

I'll show you.

Two corn dogs and a candy apple.

Oh, Jake, our wedding dinner.

Oh, this is so great.

And did I mention you look really good in that tux?

Really, really.

Good.

Oh, my God!

Murphy. Murphy, I know I've asked you this every day for the last seven days,

but I really want you to hear me this time.

Marry me, Murphy.

It can be an incredible adventure.

The last frontier for two people who've done it all.

I was going to make some wise guy remark, the kind that keeps you from

your real feelings, but for once I can think of one.

Say, could it be that we finally got our timing right?

Oh, no.

Did I just say something about timing?

No. Don't forget where we left off.

Oh, and sir, if you know anything by the Supremes, I'd like you to play that

one.

Hello.

Are you the lady of the house? Jerry.

Oh, no.

I'm Willie the Whale, and this Japanese flea's trying to kill me. I hear you run

some sort of half -way house for my kind.

So what do you say you save me, baby?

Did I mention I'm a sperm whale?

What are you doing here? I thought you were in L .A.

I was.

But as you so accurately predicted, any show that goes up against Carson gets

about six months to live.

I got the ax yesterday.

Oh.

Gee, I'm really sorry.

No, no love lost. Believe me. I really hated L .A.

Everybody's full of crap.

And now with the drought, you only flush your toilet once a day.

What's in the refrigerator? All I've had to eat today is six pounds of krill and

a Norwegian fisherman.

Albert.

Albert. Albert, Albert, I think you can go now. Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Well, obviously I'm interrupting something here.

Hi.

I'm, uh, Jake Lowenstein.

Jake and I were married once.

I'm Jerry Gold.

Jerry and I had an affair recently.

Whoa.

I had a dream like this once.

It was right after I ate a three -day -old falafel.

Oh, God, Eldon, are you still here?

I see they're both back.

Interesting contrast.

Oh, what to do, what to do.

then didn't you say you had something important to do?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

So if you don't see me for a couple of days, I don't want you to worry what I

have to do may take a while.

Now, don't ask what I meant by that.

You see, I think when two people know everything there is to know about each

other, it kind of takes the spark out of the relationship.

You in the fish suit, you might want to keep that in mind.

Um, Joe, you might as well know what's going on.

Jake just proposed to me, and actually I'm thinking about it.

Oh, well, that's a great welcome back.

And how can you be thinking about it? We have a relationship.

A relationship?

Jerry, you've been gone for six months and haven't called me once.

So what's your idea of a relationship?

Well, it's not like we were completely out of touch. I sent you a postcard, and

that really meant something.

Oh, nice meaning. A picture of you and two women in string bikinis on Venice

Beach.

It was a joke. I wanted to make you laugh.

So, is this what you go for now? The candles, the flowers, a guy in a tuxedo

with cowboy boots?

What are you, the maitre d' at a Roy Rogers restaurant?

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm sorry I don't approve, but not everybody buys their

at SeaWorld. Now, what is that?

Is that some kind of insult, huh?

Now, guys, guys, come on. Let's not get into a find -over, me.

Okay.

Murphy, look, I can see that you and Jerry have some things to clear up,

I'm gonna let you do that and get out of your way.

But, Jake, what about all your plans?

No, no, no, it's okay, Murphy.

It's just one night out of another 40 years.

I'm very secure about this.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm very secure about this.

Hey, I could have left. I'm secure, but I'm not stupid.

Jerry, sit.

That's easy for you to say.

I'd take the suit off, but I'm not wearing anything underneath.

I had plans, too, you know.

Jerry, six months and not even a phone call.

It really hurt.

I cared about you.

Well, gee, Brown, I wanted to call.

I thought about it.

Every one of those 183 days I was away from you. But we both knew a long

-distance relationship wouldn't work.

Hey, I'm back now. We can just pick up where we left off.

Jerry, I'm 42 years old, and I have a marriage proposal in front of me.

Come on, Brown. You're not buying into that fantasy, are you?

Look, marriage is all about rules.

And you and I both hate rules.

And what I'm offering you is something better.

A relationship.

Monogamous.

Okay, so that word doesn't exactly roll off my tongue, but I think we're great

together. And I think you feel the same way.

I always did have a hard time arguing with you, Jer.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Well, I'm going to go home now and beach myself.

You think it's hard walking in this thing? You should have seen me driving

here.

Oh, and, Brown, would you blow out these candles before someone comes in and

makes a novena?

Jerry? Yeah?

Is that a harpoon in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Two men I care about are forcing me to choose between them.

Why doesn't life come with an instruction manual?

Murphy, it's not as complicated as it sounds, as long as you approach the

situation systematically.

Now, we need to make a chart. We list both Jerry and Jake's pros and cons, and

that's how you decide.

A chart?

Yes. It's so simple, yet so right.

Help me here, guys. It's hard to be objective.

All right. Item number one.

Both men are Jewish, so there's a good chance neither one will be a drinker.

Good.

I hate Jerry.

And I don't know Jake.

Isn't there some write -in candidate we could put down there?

What about Stan and legal? He's a fun guy.

Will you work with me, please, Miles? Now organize your thoughts and I'll get

back to you. Jim, talk to me.

I don't know. I like that Stan idea.

And I hear he's an excellent bridge player. Doesn't that sound nice? You,

Stan, Doris? Will you please stop it? Now let's get serious here. Things I

about Jerry.

He challenges me.

Although I have more in common with Jake, who wants to get married, unlike

Jerry, who would be happy just dating exclusively, which is a much less scary

idea to me. Oh, God, this is impossible.

I'm not getting anywhere.

I've got to tell you, Murphy, I hate this whole idea. Who says you have to be

with either one of these guys?

Look, Frank, I've been alone for a long time, longer than I ever thought I would

be, and it's been fine.

But sometimes I think, wouldn't it be nice to do something with all the love

I've been saving up for the last 42 years?

Oh, God, help me. I'm turning into Barry Manilow.

What about me, Murphy?

Did you ever stop to think about that?

I thought we made a deal to grow old together. What am I supposed to do when

85 and alone?

I'll have to wear one of those little beepers they advertise on TV. So if I

down, some stranger at a switchboard can call a guy to come over and pick me up.

Nice life. Thanks a lot.

You are not helping, Frank. Not helping at all.

Maybe today the picture will become a little clearer.

I'm supposed to have lunch with Jerry.

Or is it Jake?

My head hurts.

Miles, can I be excused? I have to go lie down for a while.

Men are like dove bars.

One is great.

Two make you throw up.

Hey there, Murphy.

Well, Phil, I've really done it this time. I made a lunch date with either

or Jerry, and I can't remember which one.

I've never experienced anything like this.

I could really use some advice.

Oh, hell, Murphy, I don't know.

Every time Jerry comes in, he scares the waitresses, and I think Jake is trying

to unionize my busboys.

Why don't you get yourself a nice cat?

They're affectionate, and they clean up after themselves.

Jake, my lunch date.

I'm really sorry I'm late, Murphy. I was organizing a lobby against offshore oil

drilling, and I guess I lost track of the time.

No problem. No problem at all. Why don't we just sit down? Great. Oh,

no. What's wrong? Jerry.

Murphy. Jerry.

Jake. Geez.

Well, excuse me for asking, but what is he doing here? Murphy and I have a lunch

date. What are you doing here? Murphy and I have a lunch date.

Guys, I'm really sorry. This is all my fault. I've been a little distracted

lately.

But who says this has to be bad?

Sit down, guys.

Maybe we should just look at this as an opportunity.

An opportunity to exchange ideas and, who knows, maybe even share a laugh or

two.

Ruffino, I don't really get it. What do you see in this guy?

He supports the death penalty. He's against gun control.

If anybody takes a match to that jacket, we're looking at another three -mile

island.

Oh, great. This is exactly how I want to spend my afternoon.

Listening to Larry the Liberal tell us how he lived with the Indians and they

gave him the name Dances with Head Up His Butt.

Look, this hasn't been easy for me, you know.

I'd appreciate it if you could just put your differences aside and show some

consideration for my feelings.

Look, I'm sorry, Murphy.

I'm trying to be patient, but I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I ask you to marry me.

That's not something I do every day.

I think I deserve an answer.

Oh, geez. This guy is so transparent.

Of course he wants to marry you.

Why? Community property.

He gets all your money. What do you get? An old sleeping bag and an 11 -spoonful

album. All right, all right, all right. I haven't got had it with you, jerk.

What are you going to do?

Bludgeon me with an old bong? All right, before you want to play dirty, I'm

going to play dirty. Big man! Big man! I got your number and zero!

You don't say zero!

Stop!

All right.

I've had it with you two.

The inside of my head feels like a pumpkin two weeks after Halloween.

It's not my fault.

Either one of you says another word, so help me.

I'm going to butter you.

All right, now.

I'm going to walk out of here.

I don't want anyone to follow me.

I don't want anyone to call me.

Am I making myself clear?

Yes. We understand.

All right, fine.

I'm going to go now.

Don't worry about me.

I can take care of myself.

Because I'm Murphy Brown.

And my mama told me you better shop around.

Oh, yeah.

You better shop around.

Shop. Shop around.

Eldon! Great, you're here. Eldon, listen, can I borrow your watch, please?

need it. Just give me.

clock is broken from the time I threw it at the garbage truck. Give me. You

know, you are very rude.

I've been away for days and you haven't even asked me how I've been.

I'm going to tell you.

I'm broke.

I'm broke. Yes, I'm free at last. I gave all that money I made from that

painting away to people who live in the street. It was exhilarating. I mean, you

should have seen old cardboard box Ernie running amok in the pottery barn.

That's great, Ellen.

Really great. Now give me your watch. It's very important.

You haven't heard one word I said, have you? Sure I did. Money gone, poor Happy.

Now give me.

Okay, okay, but look, you gotta be careful with it. It's shockproof, it's

waterproof, it has pictures of all 12 apostles on it.

I want it back by quarter to Judas.

You'll get it back, Hilden, I promise.

Thanks, Hilden. I love you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You love everybody lately.