Original subtitles

Thank you for coming.

How are you?

Welcome, Jay.

How do you think it's going?

Are the people having a good time?

Is it just me, or is this party a little... What?

Boring? Painful? Endless? Oh, God.

Murph, when you told me you were giving a party for the Freed Museum, I figured

there might not be a limbo contest.

But this is like a neutron bomb party. Everybody's dead, but their clothes are

still standing.

Guys, I invited you to inject some life into the party. Miles, why aren't you

injecting? Forget it. I've tried everything, including starting a rumor

Monet and Manet were the same guy.

I'm going to have this much fun with my brist.

Okay, I admit it. I didn't want to give this stupid party in the first place.

This is the biggest bunch of sticks I've ever seen. Murphy, I just wanted to

tell you, great party.

This is my kind of crowd. There's one fellow here who tells a knock -knock

about Toulouse -Lautrec. I thought I'd bust a gut.

I thought you should know. There's a stain on the carpet under the punch

Nobody's eating the duck fajitas. And the old geezer who's your guest of honor

went into the bathroom 20 minutes ago and never came out. Nathan David White?

Oh, my God. One of the premier artists of the 20th century had to pick my

bathroom to get sick in.

Or worse.

Of course. This is too perfect. No one's mingling. No one's eating. And one of

my guests croaked in the bathroom. Come on, Frank. You've got to go check on

him. At least he's not suffering like the rest of us.

There's a dead guy in my bathroom. Go and see. But act casual. Get away from

Get away. Get away.

Oh, Miss Brown.

There he is. He's alive. I didn't kill anyone.

It's still early.

There you are, Mr. Weiss.

How are you enjoying the party?

Is that what it is?

I spent the last 20 minutes looking for the casket.

But I did enjoy the mural on the bathroom ceiling.

Oh, right. The Iran -Contra hearings.

I know it looks a little odd, but I can explain.

I like it. I don't know why there's something wonderfully right about seeing

Oliver North in the toilet.

Who's the artist?

His name is Eldon Wernicke. He's been doing some work for me. In fact, if

like to meet him, I can bring him right out. He's here?

He's always here.

It's a long story.

Very long. I'll be right back.

Oh, Mr. Weiss.

I've been wanting to talk to you all night. You're such a gifted artist.

I wonder if you might give me some advice.

Okay, hurry up.

My husband and I are redecorating our bedroom, and we're looking for a picture

to go over our bed. It's a king -size bed, so the painting should be large,

the bed has a lot of blue and mauve in it. Is there any painting you can

recommend?

Dogs playing poker.

Oh, well, thank you.

Just go with me on this, Eldon. Believe me, you'll thank me for it later.

Eldon Bernicke, this is Nathan David Weiss. Oh, great pleasure, young man.

Yes, I've seen your work in the John, and I must say I'm very excited.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. This is Nathan David Weiss?

I'm meeting Nathan David Weiss?

Wow. What are you doing at such a dull party?

I wondered myself until I saw your work, but let me tell you something. I've

been around a long time, and when something turns my head, I know it's got

good.

Are you working on anything now?

Yeah, I'm doing a tribute to the solidarity movement in the master

it's driving me nuts. Lech Walesa keeps coming out like a chunky Burt Reynolds.

Oh, Miss Brown, I compliment you on your great good taste. Not only are you a

talented journalist, you're a patron of the arts. Well, I certainly try to do my

part. Eldon has a unique vision, and I've always believed it's important to

support our most precious natural resource, the artist.

I believe it was Lorenzo de' Medici who once said... Okay, okay, okay, that's

enough.

announcement.

Listen, a major new talent has been discovered here tonight.

He's got a strange name that I don't remember, but he has a unique satirical

outlook that will, I predict, make him a great star in the world of art. And so,

as a special, special treat, we're going to get a sneak preview of his latest

work in progress.

To the bedroom, everyone!

What? Oh, no! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I didn't have a chance to

just forgot to make my bed. Excuse me, coming through.

Don't look on the floor. I'll just get my underwear out of your way.

Oh.

Elvin. Hi, what are you doing here?

Can't a person just come into someone's office and stand there without being

handed for reasons and explanations?

Maybe I just wanted to say hello.

Or maybe I just want to ride an elevator.

Or maybe I just want to borrow this pencil. If you're going to badger me

this, I'm just going to go.

I don't get it. Come on.

Sit down.

What's going on?

You remember last night when...

Nathan David White said he was going to set up a few appointments for me at some

galleries.

Well, he meant it.

This morning I had an appointment with the Hartman Gallery.

You're kidding.

That's the most important gallery in town. What happened?

Well, I showed him some photos of some of the work that I've been doing at your

place. The next thing I know, they offered me my own exhibition.

I've got to sit down.

Elder, you are sitting down. I've got to stand up. This is so fantastic.

and to think this all started with my baseboards.

I don't know, this whole gallery thing, it's so formal.

I mean, have you ever been to the Hartman?

You have to ring a bell to get in. There's a little guy in a bathroom who

you pay 50 cents for a towel and then won't let you keep it. And the Hartman's

terrible. I go around the block three times. Eldon, Eldon, Eldon.

I think I know what this is about.

Fear, Eldon. Fear of success.

I had that one.

I think it was Tuesday.

February 7th, 1973.

Around 2, 3 o 'clock in the afternoon.

But I thought it, Eldon. I surmounted my fear.

And look where I am today.

Yeah, in a little room with no windows.

There's no air in here.

God, I hate this coat. It's too black.

My sideburns feel uneven.

I don't know. I don't know.

What am I going to do?

Eldon, I've never seen you like this.

Usually you're the one giving me advice. So let me return the favor, okay?

Seize the day, Eldon. We both know doors this big don't open very often.

The Hartman Gallery offered me their ceiling.

Our only problem is they want a mural in three weeks.

You know, I don't usually work with a deadline.

No kidding.

I mean, I'll be leaving you with a lot of unfinished work at the house. I'll

by, Eldon.

I could find someone to take my place, although that might be tough. Most of

painters in town have heard about you. Eldon, slow down.

I want you to listen to me. I know what I'm talking about.

If you pass this up, I know you'll really regret it.

I'm going to do it.

All right.

Congratulations. I'm proud of you. Look, I'll keep in touch. I'll let you know

how it's going.

working here for two weeks. Call me Murphy.

I'd rather not thank you.

Come on, Chet. Lighten up. No, thank you.

Oh, boy.

Did I have a rough day today.

Two major interviews canceled on me, and then all our computers went down.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, on my way home, I fell down an elevator shaft.

17 floors.

Let's talk about it. Oh, thank you.

Hey, Chet, I bought a pair of shoes today.

What do you think?

I like this kind of heel, right? I do not get involved in the personal affairs

of clients.

Personal affairs? Chet, we're talking about a pair of shoes here. One thing

leads to another.

Hi -ho!

Hi -ho!

Eldon! Yes, it's me, and Chet, my man.

I hate those shoes.

You were supposed to call me two weeks ago. Tell me everything. How's the mural

going? Okay, good, good. I just thought that I'd stop by and see how you and

Chet were getting along.

Chet and I?

Best buddies. The man is completely madcap.

Okay, well, while I'm here, why don't I just see how this wall's coming along?

I have everything under control.

What kind of stroke are you using? I'm using a combination crosshatch, started

sweep. It happens to be my best stroke, I'll have you know.

Not bad.

Not bad shit if I were you. I'd wash my brush out a little more often, but other

than that, not bad at all.

Thank you. I'll do that right now.

So, you want to hear something funny? I almost thought about knocking before I

walked in here.

Boy, you have been away a while.

Hey, Eldon, I know you're probably busy, but do you have a minute to talk?

Sure. Great.

So, I saw your picture on the society page the other day.

I never thought I'd see Eldon Bernicke's picture in the society page.

It was that last Wednesday, right?

Right. Oh, it must have been the Bill Blass Life Achievement Award dinner.

You were sitting next to Bianca Jagger. Is that who that was?

Well, what a pain in the butt she kept picking off my plate all night.

All these gallery people have been dragging me someplace different every

They say I need visibility.

Tonight we're going to this restaurant.

All the waiters are mines.

I hear the dessert list takes an hour.

Oh, come on, Eldon. You don't mean to tell me that you don't find all this

a little intriguing.

Yeah, I guess. I guess it'll make a great mural someday.

You know, the people at the gallery said if the exhibition goes good, I'll be

doing murals in New York, Boston, all over the country.

Wow.

That's great.

If this keeps up, you won't be stuck with me anymore.

I'm coming!

This limo driver is so annoying, he keeps bugging me to read his screenplay.

I almost forgot.

I have an invitation to the opening on Friday, and I was wondering, well, would

you be my date? Not like a real date. I mean, you wouldn't have to wax any body

parts or anything.

Eldon, I'd be honored.

Great.

You know, I know it sounds like I'm complaining about all this, but it's...

I don't know. It's really pretty exciting.

I mean, my work's going to be in a gallery. People are actually going to

They're going to think about it. They're going to talk about it.

None of this would have been happening if it wasn't for you.

Eldon, I'm very happy for you.

So I'll pick you up next Friday, 7 .30.

Oh, and I don't know what you did to Chet, but you really got him to loosen

Well, I guess you could say I discovered him. I was like a mother bird pushing

her youngster from the nest.

Artistic talent has to be supported, you know. I think it was Lorenzo de' Medici

who once said... Oh, look, crab balls. You'll excuse me.

I have to admit that my tastes in art are probably too specific. Let's just

I know what I like.

But this one isn't bad.

It's one of mine.

Oh, really?

Well, I have to say I always find a seascape calming.

It's not a seascape.

It's the female reproductive system in abstract.

Oh. Well, I don't want to tell you your business, but I think a nice little

sailboat in there would pull the whole thing together.

So, Janine, you write for Art Monthly magazine.

I'm a subscriber.

I can't wait for it to show up every month.

Every other month. I wish it were every month. That's what I meant.

Then you probably saw my last article.

I answered the age -old question, what is art?

My feeling is that art is everywhere.

Whatever we see, feel, experience, art is everything, and everything is art. Of

course. Everything except television. Television is crap.

What do you do for a living?

I own a gas station.

I guess you could say I'm responsible for this evening.

I was just doing my part for society.

I think it was Lorenzo Domenici. I think I see someone I know. Excuse me,

please. Go ahead.

Take your time.

How come every time I look over here, someone's running away from you? Because

want your show to go well, and I'm really nervous, and they sense it. Look,

the Zelda, and I can't release my grip on my purse.

And my left eyelid keeps twitching. What makes that happen?

It just started for no reason.

Can you see it?

I can, thank you.

Yeah, but you can hardly notice it. I mean, it just adds a nice little touch

hysteria to the most agonizing evening of my life.

When are they going to open these doors?

Okay, let's just calm down.

Let's just take a deep breath.

I want you to enjoy right now, Eldon. This could be your last moment of

anonymity. Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

Three weeks ago, I discovered a young artist whose work exuded such raw power.

I was completely won over.

And I don't have any doubt that when you see his new work, it will affect you in

the same way. So, prepare to be dazzled.

Amazing.

No smoking.

So simple, yet so powerful.

Warhol could not have done it better.

Wait, there's more.

A light switch.

Really? It means we have a choice.

Darkness or light.

And in this case, the artist has the light on. He means us to see the world

it really is. Yes, the world.

And this crack in the wall is Eastern Europe.

This planet is Eastern Europe.

Wait. I understand.

The room is empty. We come into the room.

We are the art.

It's tremendous.

Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it, folks.

It's up there.

It's so crystal.

It's neo -crystal. It's anti -crystal. No, no, no. It's under the floor.

my heart and soul into that ceiling to have a bunch of people who drive Jeeps

with car codes drool over with no smoking signs?

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm saying something. Oh, nobody look up there. I don't want your eye prints on

my work. It's mine.

Everybody, get out.

House painters bar?

I wasn't sure there's no sign.

It's being painted.

I'm looking for someone, Eldon Bernicke.

Do you know him?

Maybe. Who wants to know?

I'm a friend of his.

He's mentioned this place a few times. I thought he might be here. Hey, you with

the knee pads.

We don't serve your kind in here. Be it.

Lousy carpet layers.

So, Eldon Bernicke, have you seen him?

You're a non -painter, aren't you?

Maybe even a client looking for her painter.

Bitching about some party she's having and the kitchen cabinets aren't

Yeah, you got trouble written all over you.

Listen, I could make this worth your while.

I got a discount coupon here for a roller pan.

He's over there.

Eldon.

Hi.

Can I sit down?

Yeah, I guess so.

I feel terrible, Eldon.

You didn't want to have a show. I pushed you. This is all my fault. Oh, it's not

your fault.

I got caught up in something I never really cared about.

You know, I don't paint for other people. I paint for me.

All of a sudden, I was caring too much about what they thought.

Eldon, you know what you need?

You need to get back on a scaffold and paint again.

I don't know, ma 'am. I'm very confused.

You know, when I left the gallery, I really felt like I had sold out.

You know, I was just going to put my brushes down for good.

Buy a motorcycle, head west, stop in small towns and help those in

trouble, and then just move on before anyone could get too close to me.

Then I realized something.

Left my coat back at the gallery.

So when I went back, guess what was going on?

A bidding war for my mural.

No kidding.

Yeah. A couple Japanese guys came out on top.

They're dismantling the ceiling right now and sending it to Mitsubishi

headquarters in Kyoto.

They gave me a check on the spot.

Well, there you go.

You see, there's always a silver lining.

Maybe it wasn't the greatest experience in the world, but you've still got my

house, plenty of work to do, and you've even got a little extra spending money.

1 .2... million dollars?

Oh, my God.

What a bitter irony to be so disillusioned and so incredibly wealthy

time.

$1 .2 million.

Ellen, do you realize what this means? Yeah, it's going to take all the fun out

of playing lotto.

Ellen, your whole life is going to change.

You don't have to worry about making a living.

You sure don't need to be sanding baseboards at my house anymore.

Yeah, I know.

So I... I guess what this means is... This is it.

Yeah, how about that, huh?

No more listening to you butcher Aretha Franklin.

No more watching you use my good pantyhose to strain paint.

No more screaming about my scaffold in your living room. No more wisecracks

about my love life.

What love life?

Well, I've done some good work over there, haven't I?

You've done extraordinary work, Eldon.

Well, I'd better get going. It's late.

Yeah, I gotta get up early.

The bank's giving away a free electric blanket with every new account.

You think that maybe tomorrow I could stop by your house and get my tools?

No problem.

And while I was there, I thought, well, maybe I could finish that little space

above the mantle.

That's a very good idea.

And maybe, well, if you have time, you could just touch up over the archway.

yeah, and refinish the banister. I got to do that. And, you know, I was

of adding a mosaic to the upstairs bathroom. That's a great space. I always

wanted to do something there.

Wait a minute, Eldon. How much is it going to cost me? Don't worry about it.

We'll work it out.

What do you want to do with all this money?

First thing, I'm going to buy new seat covers for the truck. That's a definite.

And then after that, maybe I'll go to a movie. You know, I hear they're up to $7

now. You better start thinking a little bigger. You're a millionaire.

Hey, these are the Bush years. 1 .2 mil don't go as far as they used to.