Original subtitles

She's 42.

And when she graduated from high school, I was one.

But that's no reason to make our lives miserable.

Birthdays are peculiar creatures. The glory of youth fading into distant

Another wrinkle seen in the mirror that wasn't there yesterday.

Your wife buying you a barcalonger years before your time.

singing in General Merriman at 4 p .m. sharp.

Whoa!

What a haul!

There's more than last year. I think we're going for a record here.

Hey, guys, I know that you all want to wish me happy birthday in your own

special ways, but you're just going to have to hold that thought. Some of my

gifts may be perishable.

come in big packages.

I really appreciate the thought, Carl, but something tells me if I untied that

bow, both of us would regret it.

I wouldn't.

Find me at the end of the year. My resistance is always down at the office

Christmas party.

Yes! I knew these French cut jeans would get to her sooner or later.

This is your last chance, Frank. If you want to chip in on the group gift for

Murphy, I'll be happy to take your money now. Sorry, Miles. Murphy's my best

friend. I always get her something only I would think of. I'm telling you,

Frank, you're going to regret not going in with us. I hold in my hands the

perfect gift. That's right, Frank, and it was my idea.

It was an ingenious choice, especially for someone like Murphy who travels all

the time.

We got her a portable pants presser.

Uh, Jim, Corky, there's been a little change in plan.

I decided not to go with the pants presser.

I was in the store and I saw something else. Better than a pants presser?

hard to believe.

We got Murphy a whole blood pressure check kit.

It's great. A gift from the heart for the heart.

Mike, you had no right to go against the wishes of the group, Miles. We decided

on the pants presser. We wanted the pants presser. Oh, no, we did not, Jim.

wanted the pants presser. I wanted to give her the abdominizer. Hey, guys,

what Pete Rose made for me.

Brilliant idea that you come up with. Not that anyone here would appreciate

I even amazed myself with this one.

I'd been racking my brain for months trying to think, what do you get someone

who's got everything, right?

Finally, it came to me. I got Murphy. Are you ready?

A sister.

A sister?

You mean like a nun?

No, not like a nun, like a sibling.

Murphy's an only child, right?

She once said to me she wondered what it would be like to have a sister.

So I went to New York.

hired an actress to come here and be Murphy's sister from noon till midnight.

Oh, this is the stupidest gift I've ever heard of, Frank. You don't know how to

buy for women. I was going to say something when you bought me that wiffle

set for my birthday, but now you've gone too far.

Oh, come on. Murphy's gonna love it. This actress has been researching every

detail of Murphy's childhood, her family, everything.

The key is getting Murphy to loosen up and get into it.

Now, if you guys want this to be the best birthday Murphy's ever had, you'll

play along.

I can't believe it. The push has stiffed me again this year.

Hey, Murph. Happy 42.

Hey, Frank. Haven't seen you in days. Out shopping for my gift, maybe?

Oh, maybe.

Hey, Murphy. What have we here?

It looks like some sort of a birthday gift. No, no, no. You can't shake it.

put it with the other smiles.

So just give me one hint, Frank.

Is it animal, vegetable, or four -wheel drive with Italian leather interior?

I'm going to say is it's something you've never had but have always

about. And you'll find out what it is at noon sharp at Phil's.

We'll bring this to Phil's, too, won't we, guys?

Phil, too heavy to be a toaster.

Okay,

Frank, at 12 o 'clock... Where it fills. Where is it? I don't know, Murph. Maybe

this year's surprise is that there's no surprise at all.

I hate that.

Okay, I think we've kept her in suspense long enough.

Here it is, Murphy. From Jim, Corky, and me. Go ahead, open it.

I guess I will, since Frank is keeping me waiting for his mystery gift. I'll

just open this wonderful present that three people with very large salaries

chipped in to buy me.

This is going to be great, I can tell.

Don't forget, Murphy, any gift you get should probably be exchanged.

In fact, I'd even return it for you so you don't have to stand in line.

The Pulse -O -Matic 2.

Guys, this is the best.

A fake box, extremely valuable.

What the hell is this?

It's a blood... Pressure unit for people who love you and wish you a long and

happy life. Happy birthday, Murphy. See, she loves it.

I can see what you're thinking.

You can't wait to try it out. Well, not until I read the instructions.

You don't want anybody to get hurt. This is not a toy.

Okay, Murphy.

Fasten your seatbelt. Time for your gift from me.

All right, it's showtime.

That's right. And what would a birthday be without family to help you celebrate?

So, all the... away from your hometown of Philadelphia, it's your sister,

Maddie Brown!

Stinky!

Oh boy, someone I don't know just hugged me. What's going on, Frank?

Wow, you really are surprised, aren't you? But hey, I wasn't going to miss

It'll be two years Christmas since we've seen each other. That's a crime, you

know that, but it doesn't matter. I'm here now. God, you look gorgeous! Give

another hug!

I've never had and have always wondered about.

Hi, I'm Maddie Brown, Murphy's sister. Hello, Murphy's sister. Nice to meet

Maddie Brown from Philadelphia, Murphy's sister.

You want to say something to Murphy's sister, don't you, Jim, Miles, Corky?

Uh, yes, of course we do.

Hi, Maddie, I'm Corky. It was so thoughtful of you to surprise Murphy

That's all I have to say.

I see the family resemblance. You have the same eyebrows.

Hey, Stinky, you know what I was just thinking of? Your 10th birthday.

Remember? Dad surprised you with that treehouse in the backyard?

Very clever, Frank.

Except there was this one kid you would never let in the treehouse.

Mary Beekman, the little brat. She hit Murphy in the face with a 7 -up bottle.

17 stitches.

You are really good. She's really good, Frank. But I'll bet you don't know what

happened in the treehouse on the afternoon of July 4th, 1959.

That was the day we all came up with our secret handshake.

You forgot. It's one long, two short, and one long. I know. I was trying to

trick you. Wow.

know who this must be murphy's sister it must be real nice to have your sister

here to share your birthday with you oh you bet phil you know how i love family

yep murphy's always going on about how she misses you sometimes when she starts

talking about the old days growing up the whole bar gets quiet we turn off the

tv everybody gathers their chairs and circle

We can listen for hours as Murphy touches us all with poignant stories.

Her little sister, Maddie.

How am I doing?

I got goosebumps.

You can go now, Phil.

Good, because I'm running out of material to feel like an idiot.

Happy birthday, Murphy. Here's a complimentary salad with your lunch.

Well, this has been great, but I guess it's time to get going.

Aw. Already?

Well, listen, thanks for everything. You were really impressive.

And if you're going to be in any movies or TV shows, drop me a line. I'll look

for you. Oh, don't worry, Murph. Maddie's not going anywhere. She's here

midnight. Come on, guys. I'm sure the two sisters have a lot of catching up to

do.

Wait a minute.

You're here until midnight?

Where are you going, Frank?

Oh, the fun you two are going to have?

Something tells me boys are going to be discussed.

But this is a party for all of us. There's complimentary salad. Don't go,

200 over 102.

What does that mean?

It means there's justice in this world after all.

That's right.

Is he cute or what?

You know, if I wasn't married...

Speaking of which, you are not going to believe your brother -in -law. He lost

20 pounds and got hair plugs in the front. You know where he's receding?

show you a picture. Look, I know Frank paid you until midnight, but you don't

have to do this. You can just go. We don't have to tell him.

Oh, God.

You're firing me.

It's nothing personal.

It's just that the novelty's worn off and I have a really short attention

Where did I lose you? It was the hair plugs, right? I went too far. I knew it

soon as I said it. Look, I've really got to go.

No, no.

Murphy, please, please, give me another chance.

I can be whoever you want me to be. I don't have to be your younger sister.

I can be your illegitimate sister.

Or I can do it with an accent, like Mom and Dad sent me away to boarding school

in England, and I have this really effective speech now.

Oh, Murphy, what do you say we take the ponies out and go for a ride?

Well, as I said, good luck with everything, and thanks again for all the

trouble. Wait, I know what it is.

You need an older sister.

You need to feel protected and cared for. There you go again, running out,

-dressed when there's a flu going around. Remember the time you had

I stayed home and took care of you? God knows where Mother was. It was always up

to me. I still have a lot of them. And I'll never understand why you were in

such a hurry to grow up. I'll never forget your sweet 16 party when you

Mother's liquor cabin. I still think that's when your problem started.

Frank!

Has anyone here seen Frank?

Oh, so this is where...

I didn't know Murphy had a sister.

Hi.

I'm Carl Wisnicki.

Hi, Carl. I'm Maddie Brown.

So, what is it you do here?

I'm camera two.

Gee, Murphy, I would have thought you told her all about me by now.

Me and I aren't very close, Carl.

Frank, may I see you in my office, please, alone?

Okay, Frank.

That's it. It was very clever and we all had a good laugh, but I don't want that

woman following me around until midnight. Tell me she isn't going to be

that, Frank.

Murph, I thought a sister would be the greatest gift I could ever give you. You

were so passionate about it that night.

What night? What are you talking about?

A few years ago at Phil's. You and I were closing up the place, then we

talking about family and my sisters.

Then you started sobbing uncontrollably about not having any sisters. You don't

remember? I was drinking then, Frank. I said a lot of things I didn't mean. I

probably said I wanted to sleep with Larry Storch, too, but you didn't get

hits on my birthday.

Just listen to yourself, Murph. Can't you just for one day forget you're a

reporter who brokers all day long in reality and just let yourself experience

something you've never known?

Cut yourself loose. What do you say?

I'm gonna get you for this, Frank.

What a sad, sad statement. Well, I am not calling her off. You know the rule.

Fontana gifts are unreturnable.

They're unreturnable because you can't shop in a regular store like a normal

human being. You're a...

You're looking for your sister. She went to the ladies' room.

All right, everybody, listen up. I'm going to be in editing for the rest of

day. When my sister comes back, don't tell her where I am and don't let her in

my office. I don't want to see her again for the rest of my lifetime.

You got that?

Dear God, why won't that woman let someone love her?

Don't even say it, Robin.

Don't make me tell you how many birthday invitations I turned down because Frank

asked me to keep the day open.

Frank is no longer my friend.

It's his fault I'm eating fortune cookies alone instead of birthday cake

Pacino.

What happened to Honey, I'm Home?

You know, I wish that you would call when you're going to be late. I didn't

what time to put the cacciatore in.

Chicken cacciatore?

Oh, Eldon, is that what smells so good?

That's so nice of you.

Maybe this day can be saved after all.

Yellow 16 ,000, what do you get?

Another day over and deeper in debt. St.

Peter, don't you call me...

know how much you hated that happy birthday to you song until your sister

me. Ellen, this woman is not my sister.

You said she'd say that.

Well, you brown girls play some weird games.

Murphy, I have been cooking up a storm all afternoon. I cannot believe you had

nothing, nothing in the house to eat. I had to shop for everything, but that's

okay. That's what sisters are for.

What do you mean she's not your sister? I mean, she's obviously got your

mother's arms. They're so delicate.

Not nearly as furry as yours.

I may love her.

Oh, God, I'm in a Stephen King movie.

Who is it?

Oh, hi, Mother.

Yeah, I got the birthday card you sent. Thanks a lot.

You want to speak to who?

Mother, you don't have another daughter, and I'm really getting sick of this.

No, I will not put her on the phone.

She wants to talk to you.

to see me.

No, I don't think she's gay in any way. Why? Did she look heavy to you when you

were here?

This isn't funny, Mother. You had way too much time on your hands.

I better go now, Mother.

All right, I'll tell her.

Goodbye.

Oh, God. She wants us to come home for Christmas.

Believe me, I hate the idea as much as you do. She insists on making that

disgusting cranberry mold, and then we sit around the table while she trashes

Daddy. Maybe we should just take a stand... not do Christmas at her house

year. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't have the guts.

You know, look at this. You know, it is so nice to know someone in your family

can cook. Unlike you, she walked right into the kitchen and recognized it

immediately.

Is that fresh rosemary on the chicken?

Uh -huh.

I made the sauce from scratch.

Okay. Okay, well, just eat and that's all. And then after we eat, that's the

end. It's finished. You're leaving.

Boy, you really must have cried the day Mom and Dad brought that home from the

hospital.

Come on, speed it up.

Gandhi didn't eat as slow as you two.

Murphy was always a very fast eater.

Daddy used to say, you should never touch Murphy while she's eating.

My father never said that.

You know, this dinner was excellent.

And you are very charming.

You know, I was recently hurt by a woman.

Okay.

That's it. You know what that means.

Right. I'll go get dessert.

Dessert? No dessert. There was no dessert in this deal.

Look, I can't tell how I'm doing here.

Do you think I was being too obvious when I said I could furnish her with a

complete medical history?

Would you go find out? I'll wait right here.

It's 10 o 'clock. Do you know where your airplane is?

Dessert is part of dinner, Murphy, and I won't hear any arguments about it.

We're going to make brownies just like we did the day Paul quit the Beatles.

Look, I've tried to be nice. Now I'm going to bring out the artillery. If you

aren't out of here in three minutes, I will personally, physically throw you

out.

Okay.

You win. I'll go.

It's obvious I can't make this work for you.

Thank you.

Look, all of this food is yours.

Why don't you take it with you?

Boy, it's just staring me in the face, isn't it?

Actress.

Who am I kidding?

Oh, no, don't start that on me. Just rap.

Deep down inside, I guess I've always known my limitations.

I haven't had a lot of success as an actress.

You know that TV commercial where the singing peanuts go marching into that

peanut butter jar and there's that one peanut who refuses to jump in because

doesn't think she's up to their high standards?

That peanut was you?

No, that's how I feel about my career.

I guess what makes it all sink in is seeing where you are in life.

Famous, successful, respected.

Yeah, well, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Ever since I was a little kid, I dreamed of being a great actress.

I used to dress up like Katharine Hepburn, and I used to dress my dog up

Spencer Tracy, and we'd act out Adam's Rib.

What?

I used to pretend the kitchen strainer was a microphone, and I'd get the kid

next door to be Richard Nixon, and I'd nail him after the checker's speech.

I know.

All right.

The difference is, you made it, I didn't.

Yeah, but it didn't come easy.

After I got out of college, I thought I was going to be the greatest broadcast

journalist of my generation.

I had this audition tape, and I begged a friend to get it to Howard K. Smith. To

me, he was the best. What broadcast journalism was all about, I wanted to be

Howard K. Smith in a dress.

So, I waited and waited for a response.

A month, six weeks.

Nothing. Finally, I called my friend.

And he told me that Howard Kaye had, in fact, seen my tape.

His only comment was, her work stinks, but she's got a knife. Push.

I felt like someone had hit me in the face with a brick.

My idol was telling me I couldn't cut it as a journalist.

The only other thing I knew how to do was lip sync to records, and back then

wasn't a real profession like it is now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, no matter what it is you want to do, you've

got to go after it. No matter what other people say about you, it's always going

to be hard.

No matter if you're 21 or 42.

Oh, God, I'm 42.

Oh, that's okay.

You look really good.

You know, I never told anybody that story.

Really? Yeah.

I guess it's really the kind of thing you only tell... A sister?

Yeah.

A sister.

You know, I had this other experience when I was a correspondent in London.

I've never been to London. I always said I'd get there. What happened?

Well, I'd rented this little flat a couple of blocks from Oxford Street.

One day I was coming out of the...