Original subtitles

Mama said there'd be days like this. There'll be days like this. Mama said.

Mama said.

Mama said there'll be days like this. There'll be days like this. My mama

Mama said. Mama said. I was walking the other day and everything was going fine.

I met a little boy named Billy Joe and then I almost lost my mind.

Mama said there'll be days like this. There'll be days.

Hold it, Miles. Now, Frank, I have to speak with Murphy right now. She's not

yet.

She's not in yet.

Well, it's only so long she'll be able to hide behind that lame excuse.

And she'll have to be in, won't she?

Why are you standing here, Frank? I'm waiting for Murphy, and I was here

Sorry, I have first dibs.

Someone put a handicap sign on my parking spot.

I spent half the night trying to get my car out of the impound yard.

Audrey and I had tickets to the Royal Lip Designer Stallions. By the time we

there, we'd missed the walking sideways routine.

That's nothing, Miles. This morning, I find out from my dry cleaner that Murphy

has been paying him to take in all my pants exactly one inch.

I'm going nuts.

For three days, I've been living on lettuce and sugar -free gum.

All right, where is she?

Back of the line.

This time, she's gone too far.

I just got a thank you note from Manuel Noriega.

Somebody sent him an autographed picture of me with the inscription, Manny.

I'll be waiting for you when you get out.

You're getting fat, Frank.

Good morning, Walt.

Lovely day, isn't it? No, it isn't. We've all been stung by Bozo the Brown

her bag of tricks.

Well, I've never been one to condone Murphy's hijinks, but journalism does

a long -standing tradition of pranksterism.

Maybe we should just learn to take it on the chin.

me. Frank got some of those lemon custard babies you like so much.

Although, maybe you shouldn't.

Looks like you picked up a couple of pounds there.

Feeble, Murphy.

Extremely feeble. I know about your little trick, and I was on to it from

very first moment.

Oh.

Murphy, this has to stop. Every time you finish a story a few days early, you

turn this place into your own personal playground.

I don't want to have to separate you from the others, but I will.

with a bunch of killjoys or what. At least Jim knows how to be a good sport.

Pretty good, huh, Jim? A sign on the back of your car saying honk if you want

spank me.

So that's what all that noise was.

I thought there was a wedding procession behind me.

Oops, that's my phone. Excuse me, guys. Duty call.

Yeah, you better get that. It could be Wile E. Coyote confirming your order

Acme Anvils.

Hello, you have reached the offices of Murphy Brown. If you wish to lodge a

complaint, press three now.

What? Can you hold on?

Where are you going, Murphy? We're not through here.

I need closure.

Sit around an assignment, Miles. Someplace far away where there are no

telephones or mail service and the possession of rubber dog doo -doo is a

felony.

I can't live like this.

The waiting, the wondering.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom without checking under the stall.

I'm trying to take a stand, Miles. She's going to get us in our beds while we're

sleeping.

You're bad, guys. I've got to go.

Murphy,

before you take off to hide the toilet paper on Air Force One, there's a little

matter of a towing charge.

Sorry, Miles. I've got to lead on a story.

This could be very big. I can't go into it now.

Oh, and hey, guys, just to show you even I know when I may have gone too far,

don't eat the donuts with the colored sprinkles.

Who is it?

Murphy Brown.

You're Alex?

Yes, thank you very much for coming. Somebody could have followed her. How do

know she wasn't followed? I wasn't. I know what I'm doing. Look, let's not

any time. If what you gentlemen claim is correct, you could be blowing the lid

off a very large story.

U .S. covert action in Chile is a serious charge. You said you had a

dossier, right.

That's what I need to explain.

Miss Brown, we don't have... have any information on the CIA.

What?

See, uh, we're environmentalists.

We're from the Coalition to Preserve America's Resources.

Wait a minute. I can explain everything.

This is Dr. Elliot Kneebling. He's a microbiologist with our team.

Connie.

I really admire your work.

Nice meeting you, too.

Thanks.

And this is Marshall Caldwell. He writes our newsletter as well as being a

member of Sierra Club, Common Cause, and Mothers for a Nuclear -Free World. A

pleasure. Really. And I want to commend you for not wearing ivory on your show.

Hi, dear.

Wait, Miss Brent, let me just get to the point.

For six years, our group has been fighting to save Las Rivas, one of the

pristine stretches of wetlands in Oregon.

wetlands that are about to be destroyed to make way for a five -acre commercial

development, Elliot. Thank you, Alex.

A development that will dump millions of gallons of waste products into the

waterway each year, creating a black hole out of what was once a richly

ecosystem that represents the very womb of our existence.

They're going to build a sizzler.

Let me fast forward here. If I had to make a wild guess, I'd say you want me

do a story on it. Exactly.

Guys, guys, you didn't have to lie to get my interest. I care about the

environment. I separate my trash. I try not to use disposable products.

And I never order a glass of water in a restaurant unless I'm choking.

I'd be more than happy to look into your story.

I knew you'd help us. You have kind eyes and you smell like sandalwood.

So give me your materials. I'll go back to my office. If the story checks out,

I'll cover it as soon as the show has an opening.

Wait a minute. I don't think you understand.

At this very moment, bulldozers sit ready to plow Las Rivas under. These

wetlands help filter our waterways and clean our air. We need you to do this

piece on tomorrow night's show.

Guys, I'd love to, but it doesn't work that way. Besides, tomorrow's show is

already set. And if I'm going to do a fair and accurate story, I have to fly

the area myself, interview the parties involved, check out the facts. I knew

I knew it. She's giving us the brush off.

She's just like all those other news people.

No, last year, the media couldn't wait to traipse all over the countryside,

taking pictures of spotted owls and dying forests. Now they're all onto

something new, like this Twin Peaks thing. Who cares who killed Laura

Okay, that's a low blow. I don't view environmental issues like just some

passing fad. I respect your goals. I do. So give me your research. I've got to

go. Okay, well.

Motion to proceed to plan B. All in favor, say aye.

Aye. Plan B? What plan B? What's plan B? Until FYI does our story, I'm afraid

that we're going to have to, uh, you know, detain you.

What, are you going to kidnap me? Do you want to kidnap me? Well, yes, actually.

Guys, I know it's a good cause, but eco -terrorism isn't the way to get what you

want.

And let's be honest.

We all know you're out of your league.

Don't underestimate us. We have tried to work within the system. We have

petitioned and protested.

Now we've been pushed to our limit.

We're desperate men.

You have a duck mobile.

Desperate men don't have duck mobiles. Now open the door.

Take off!

we supposed to do with her if we can't find the abandoned warehouse? We can't

just keep driving around. We are not lost. We're supposed to be on Q Street.

Maybe there's another Q Street.

I thought you said you knew Washington, Alex. You said you worked here. Only for

a little while. I was campaigning for Gary Hart. I don't want to talk about

There's too much traffic.

Why don't you people carpool?

God, I hate this city.

Oh, boys, I feel like I should tell you, a lot of the charm of this moment is

wearing off for me.

Please, just be patient, Miss Brown.

We've never done anything like this before, but rest assured, we would never

hurt you.

Don't tell her that.

What did you tell her that for?

Okay, we might hurt you. We're unpredictable.

This is impossible.

I can't find the warehouse.

Just park it, Sidney!

I know this can't be comfortable for you, but if it's any consolation, a

bag is much more ecologically sound than a paper or a plastic one.

May I call you Murphy? Get this bag off my head.

Alex, it has been over two hours.

Is the door locked? Yes.

All right, all in favor of taking the bag off, say aye.

Aye.

Motion carries. Remove the bag and untie her.

It's about time. What do you mean putting a bag over someone's head? I

have... suffocated. And what was in there anyway? Old broccoli?

You guys really blew it. You don't have a plan and you know it. We do too have a

plan.

We're gonna call FYI and tell them that we're holding their star reporter

hostage. Then they have to do our story. You guys obviously don't know

journalists very well. No self -respecting news organization is gonna

-armed into airing a story no matter how important it is.

But hey, call if you want. In fact, I know where they're having lunch. I'll

dial the number for you.

Hey, Miles.

Hello?

Yes, this is C.

What?

What? Guys! Guys!

Yes, I'm listening.

So what you're saying is that you kidnapped Murphy Brown.

And unless FYI does a story on the Las Rivas wetlands tomorrow night, we may

never see her again?

Okay.

Look, before you throw in the river, make sure you get that ten bucks she

me for lunch.

This is unbelievable.

One of them is singing Ding Dong, the witch is dead.

These are your friends?

Give me that.

Hello, guys.

Hi, it's me.

Listen, this is no joke. You've got to talk to these men.

Knock it off, Miles. You laugh like a girl.

Jim, can you hear me?

Jim, this is a serious situation. You may never see me again.

Hello?

I was afraid something like this would happen.

I told you, Alex, don't go with Murphy Brown. Go with Joan Lunden. People love

Joan Lunden.

What do you mean?

People love me.

They think I'm clever and witty and fun to be around. I get a lot of... cards at

Christmas. Something is not working, Alex. We must have miscalculated

No.

We can't cave now. Now, there's got to be somebody out there who'll notice that

she's missing.

And when they do, we'll get the coverage that we need. Until then, we're staying

right here where it's safe.

Fine. Have it your way. But you could have picked a better place to park than

behind the mint.

Why do you think we're behind the mint?

It's Tuesday. I can smell them burning the old dollar bills.

The whole incredible story, Howard. And I thought I'd give the exclusive to the

Post because you and I have been pals for so long.

Oh, come on, Howard. It's been six months since I sent that phony IRS agent

your office.

Can't you let anything go?

Hello? Howard?

This is incomprehensible.

She's made 37 phone calls.

know the statistical probabilities of no one believing her?

But she's trying.

Isn't there someone else you can call?

Like Alan Alda. Why don't you call Alan Alda? He seems like someone who believes

people. I don't know Alan Alda!

You don't have to yell. Yes, I do!

I finally found her some food. There weren't a lot of places open, but I

to find a sandwich shop. Sure, it took you long enough. You know, even

of war have rules about getting fed.

Alex, what's that?

What? A plastic bag.

A what? A plastic bag, okay? I forgot the canvas one, okay?

Well, you know the policy. You're going to have to take it back and explain to

the manager how the molecular structure of plastic makes it virtually impossible

to biodegrade.

Yeah, I'm really going to explain that to a kid wearing an I Love Satan T

-shirt. I'm not taking it back. I don't have to. I'm a leader.

Right. He's the leader. Of course, that doesn't mean he'll do more jail time

when they catch you, even though he is the one that got you all into this.

She's right. I didn't even want to do a kidnapping. I wanted to do a bike -a

-thon. Fine.

Let somebody else be the leader. Be my guest. Okay, I'll be the leader. You!

You can't be the leader. Why not?

All right, everybody, I'm taking over this whole operation.

You? Are you kidding me? You can't even run an overhead projector.

They don't appreciate you, Elliot. It's very clear they don't listen to you. You

don't listen to me. You never listen to me. Why should we? Everything out of

your mouth is so depressing.

Well, life is depressing, okay?

What am I supposed to do? Walk around laughing when a new ice age is coming?

trick in the book.

She's trying to get us to fight amongst ourselves.

The old divide and conquer.

What touched your faith today?

Oh, God, look at that reporter.

You guys want to do something to save the environment? Kidnap her?

She's got enough lip gloss on to slick an ocean.

It's on Channel 4.

Marshall, I'm not a remote control, okay?

You're not a remote. You're not a maid. You're not a waiter. Give me a break

here. I'm being held against my will. Change the channel.

Keep going, children.

Keep going.

Wow, you call these pretzels? Who buys pretzels made of oak bran?

You guys don't know how to shop.

Oh, lovely, a feminine hygiene commercial.

Take it from me, fellas, not once have I played Frisbee on the beach while

discussing freshness with my mother.

Hello, you're on. Larry King, finally something decent to watch.

Maybe I should have called him.

Give me the phone.

It's too perfect, why didn't I think of it before?

Pick up Larry, pick up Larry, pick up Larry, pick up Larry, pick up Larry.

Hi, it's me, Murphy Brown. Listen, can you put me on with Larry? It's

Great, thank you. Thanks,

Doctor. Now we'll get a call from Washington, D .C. Hello.

Larry, it's me, Murphy Brown. Hi. Murphy Brown from FYI. This is a surprise. You

have some views to share with us tonight on the money supply. What's up? No,

Larry, listen carefully.

I've been kidnapped by a group of radical environmentalists, and until

demands are met, they won't let me go. It's been 12 hours, and it's getting

pretty dicey.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an extraordinary circumstance. Please bear

us. Murphy, don't panic. We will get you out of this. Yes! I knew it!

Now, just tell us, who is it that's kidnapped you?

Smokey the Bear in a ski mask?

What a joker you are, my friend Murphy and I are old pals. She always knows how

to get to me. The last time she called, she said she was Salman Rushdie. That

was a joke. This is serious. Larry, I'm not kidding. You've got to help me.

There's no telling what they'll do next.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great journalist and a good buddy, Murphy Brown. I'll

get you for this, Larry. I'll get you if it's the last thing I do.

Go to sleep, you crazy kid. Let's go to Detroit.

Yes, that means I'll be spending the night.

God, I hate sleeping in my clothes.

Excuse me while I rinse out a few things.

I'll just use the bathroom in the east wing.

This whole hostage thing was a mistake.

It was wrong.

We knew it was wrong and now we're being punished.

It's almost biblical.

Okay, it was a mistake. Okay, what are we going to do? We're in this thing up

our necks.

We better guard the door tonight.

Elliot, you're the insomniac. You take the first shift.

Be careful. We don't want her to escape.

What if she did escape?

Yes, suppose one of us were to leave the door open in an accidental and shameful

oversight.

What about the six years we fought to save the wetlands?

You're going to just toss that aside because of one woman's petty annoyance?

Okay, who left hair in the soap?

Let's dump her. All in favor, say aye. Aye.

Do you see this?

Do you? I'll run right there.

These were fresh out of the package this morning.

Now you've done it.

Now you've really done it. You owe me $4 .75.

Gee, it's awfully cold in here.

Uh, is that a draft I feel?

Burr. Don't try to change the subject. I want a new pair and I want them now.

Midnight blue, extra sheer sandal foot. Now, now, now!

Uh, look, Miss Brown, we have something to say.

We've been thinking, and, uh... Well, the end doesn't justify the means.

Terrorism is no way to solve conflict.

We still have a few legitimate avenues open to us, and that's where we're gonna

put our energy.

What are you saying, Alex?

Get out!

Were you blind? The door's wide open! We don't want you here!

organ or eat off the floor of a nuclear reactor if you would just go

One glorious, humiliating day all the way around.

You guys have a lot to learn about kidnapping.

A lot.

See you around, boys.

Bye. Goodbye.

I'm sorry.

Look, fellas.

You're no eco -terrorists.

You just got lost in your passion.

You're fighting a battle more people should be involved in. I respect that. I

really do.

So I'm going to keep the promise I made from the beginning.

When I get back to my office, I'm going to look into your story.

I hope it works out.

She's still here, Alex.

Okay. Okay, I'm going.

How about at least getting me a ride back to FYI?

You don't have to.

parked in front of the building for hours.

I knew that.

Oh.

Hi, Murph.

Buying a camper?

It must be nice goofing off all day, huh, while we've been working like dogs.

But we're finished now, and we're off to Philz for a nightcap. If you promise to

behave, you may join.

Oh, hello.

We're friends of Murphy's.

She's buying a camper. Really?

Neat.

at this time.

But what if I had been?

Would you have read...