All language subtitles for Murphy Brown s03e07 The Last Laugh

And so ends the day in the life of the
women at Lexington Federal Penitentiary.

Jim? Thank you, Corky.

Interesting correlation, the remarkably
high number of women on death row who

never joined a sorority.

To you, our viewers, thank you for
joining us once again. This has been

edition of FYI. Good night.

And we're out. That's a wrap, everybody.
Hell Week is officially over.

Man, what a week. Killer deadlines,
guests bailing.

Everything that could go wrong did.

piece blew out halfway through my
interview. Where are we getting our

these days? The home shopping network?

Guys, you got through it with flying
colors.

It's weeks like this that push us to the
wall, test everything we've got.

And when you come through it the way you
did, well, what can I say?

Stunning effort, everybody.

Jimbo, Corsair, Frank Green.

I've asked you not to do that, Miles.

How many did you get?

Not that many.

Phone, Miles.

Here.

Probably his girlfriend.

She calls him after every show to tell
him what a little stud man he is. Hurry

up, Miles. We don't want to go to Phil.
And put this miserable week behind us.

I've never looked forward to the old
watering hole more. I warn you, I may

against the light tonight. I don't care.

Gee, all of you had such a terrible
week, and my story went so well. I feel

guilty.

You know what?

Phil's is on me.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, you're all coming?

Look at the little wiener. They're
practically having sex on the phone.

I bet he's telling her his SAT scores
again.

Come on, everybody. Let's go.

Hold it, everybody. It's not a wrap yet.
We've got one more thing to do.

Oh, no.

That was New York.

Connie Chung got hung up in traffic, and
there's no one to do the national news

break. They're throwing it over to us.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

20 -second spot. It won't kill us.

Jim, they've asked for you. You okay
with that? No problem, Miles. I consider

an honor. Heads up, people. Less than a
minute to air. Hit the lights. Leave me

one camera. Where's the copy? Right off
the fact. Thank you, John.

Hey, Jim. You okay? You need anything?

A pencil, please. A pencil.

Who's got a pencil?

One pencil.

Nobody has a pencil?

The man needs a pencil.

Unbelievable pro. Jim Dial, everybody.

If I could just see the hands of
everyone planning on going to Phil.

30 seconds to air.

This is such a pain. I'm starving to
death.

There better be something really
interesting in those pages.

Hey, listen to this. Listen.

While vacationing at Kennebunkport,
Maine today, President Bush sat on a

and was rushed to a nearby hospital. Are
you kidding?

The stinger was removed, the president
was later released, and tonight is

resting comfortably, yeah, on his
stomach.

Barbara, I'd like to turn over, but it
wouldn't be prudent. Not at this

juncture. Hold it together, people.

Fifteen seconds, Jim. Figures it was a
wasp. It would have been political

suicide to sit on a minority.

This is a national news break, Murphy.
That's enough. I wonder if the wasp

alone. Where is the Warren Commission
when you need them?

In five, four...

height of a B in your bonnet, but this
is ridiculous.

Good evening. In the news at this hour,
the Department of Labor announced that

the unemployment rate increased by three
-tenths of one percent in the last

quarter. Pro -choice and right -to -life
activists clash in Florida.

While vacationing in Pettibunkport,
Maine, today, President Bush sat on a

and was rushed to the hospital.

The stinger was removed.

And the president later released.

And tonight is resting comfortably.

I'm sorry, really, this isn't funny.

Stay tuned to your local station for
complete coverage.

And we're out.

You just hang in there, and I'll be home
when I can.

Oh, God.

Three months, and he's still on the
title.

First, it was Jenny and Eli, A Tale of
the West.

Then it was Penelope and Demetrius, A
Greek Odyssey.

Now it's Bill and Dave, A Love Story.

my secretary.

I was hoping it was the guy in the beer
can hat who was talking to his hand, but

no, it had to be you.

Wait a minute. This is your office? I'm
temping for you?

Screw it.

I'm taking early retirement.

Hi, guys.

What's up?

Anything special going on? Looks like
business as usual.

Business as usual? Don't make me laugh.

Oh, I forget. That's what you do best,
make people laugh. Oh, come on, Frank.

How many people do you think even saw
that news break? You know how they

get up to go to the refrigerator or let
the dog out? There are 49 million dogs

in this country.

And Channel 9 was running the flower
drum song.

People love Nancy Kwan.

Well, good morning.

Although I use the term loosely, I have
something I'd like to share with you.

Public reaction to Jim's news break last
night.

Childish.

Disrespectful. Wasp stings hurt. I hope
you get one.

That one's from the president.

This really stinks.

Jim's a little more chipper on the air
than usual and people are all over him.

Poor Jim. He must feel so humiliated.
You guys are really overreacting. But

humor you. Let's just suppose for a
moment that Jim really is upset over

happened. If that's the case, we'll just
apologize for all the goofing around we

did. We? You were the one who did it.
What is this? You're blaming me? What

I do?

Jim.

I didn't see you come in.

I took the stairs. You took the stairs
17 flights?

It's a nice day in the stairwell.

I needed the exercise.

And you look great.

I like that cap. Is it new?

Did you pick it out or did Doris?

How is Doris? Did she ever finish that
needlepoint pillow she was working on?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No problem. I was just asking.

Matters not.

Look at that. Ten o 'clock already. Time
to start the meeting, Miles. Come on,

Jim. You just sit here in your usual
chair right here next to me like you

do. 13 years we've been sitting here
together.

13 wonderful years.

Can I get you some coffee, or how about
a cafe au lait? It'll just take a

minute. Thank you, no.

Well, we do have a show to put on next
week. I guess we should get started.

Yes, Jim?

Miles, I'm requesting to be relieved
from next week's show. I'd like to take

some time off, personal reasons.

Not do the show?

But, Jim, don't you think that's...
Sorry, Miles, I have vacation time

and I... Been promising Doris I'd get
that, um, tree stump in the backyard

care of.

Jim, I really don't think this is right.
I don't care to discuss it any further,

Miles. I'd appreciate it if you'd give
me a simple yes or no. That's all.

Okay, Jim.

If this is something you feel you need
to do.

Thank you for understanding.

Have a nice day.

Murphy. Doris, hi.

I rang the doorbell, but no one
answered, so I let myself in the back

Trickster sure is cute.

Murphy, I told you over the phone, Jim
isn't taking visitors.

You really should go. I've got to talk
to him, Doris. He hasn't returned any of

my calls in the last three days. I'm
worried about him. You're worried about

him.

Last night, they were showing Oliver on
TV.

Halfway through it, Jim started heckling
the orphans.

Gee, Doris, I didn't realize it was this
bad.

Didn't realize. Let me tell you about my
past 72 hours.

The man does not leave the house. He's
constantly under my feet, dismantling

vacuum cleaner, organizing things in the
refrigerator by size and fat content.

This afternoon, he terrified my bridge
club by wandering into the living room

his underpants.

I love Jim dearly, but if I don't get
one uninterrupted hour of privacy very

soon, I can't be responsible for my
actions.

Doris, I can't find my wingnuts.

Perfect. Jim.

Hi. Can we talk?

Oh, go ahead, Murphy. Maybe you can get
through to him.

Thank you, Doris.

Thanks very much.

set up.

The old windmill, huh? You know, I still
have the one you have.

Made for me last Christmas.

Jim, I came over to apologize.

It was completely my fault.

I had no idea that you'd lose control
like that.

It was the last thing I expected. I feel
horrible and I'm...

I'm really, really sorry.

I appreciate this gesture, Murphy, but
it has nothing to do with you.

I was the unprofessional one.

I was at fault.

I failed.

Failed? Oh, come on, Jim. You're not the
first person to break up on the air.

You know that.

Murrow did it, too.

Murrow was a horse's hiney.

Good Lord, did you hear what I said?

I blasphemed.

Laughing on the air was the most
humiliating sophomoric thing I've ever

All my credibility as a journalist is
gone out the window.

Jim, this would be so much easier if
you'd just blame me. Yell at me. I mean,

really let me have it. I know I'd feel a
lot better.

What's the point?

Nothing is ever gained by ill feeling.

Right. As usual.

So what do you say we put this behind
us? How about I pick you up tomorrow on

the way in? We can stop off for
breakfast. Are you out of your mind?

I'm not going back tomorrow. It's too
soon. I'm not ready. It could happen

again. Jim, you're a newsman.

And try it as this sounds, you've got to
get back in that anchor chair.

The longer you leave it, the harder
it'll be. Damn it, Murphy. I'll come

when I'm good and ready and not before.
So stop pestering me and happy Veterans

Day.

Now, where the hell is Doris?

Doris!

Guys, guys, I just put Jim in the hole
with the vending machine.

He seems okay.

He was reaching for change when I walked
up, so I said hi.

It's okay. He said hi first.

He seemed undecided about whether to get
the little cheese and the cracker

things or the M &M's.

I hesitated to get involved, but I
wanted to let him know that I knew where

was going.

So finally I decided to say something.

I said, get the M &M's, Jim. It's a
happy candy.

He's coming.

He's coming. He's coming.

So the bartender turns to the rabbi.

Gee, and all they found in the shark was
her charm bracelet, huh? Well, at least

you got two other sisters.

Hello, all.

Hi, Jim. Nice to see you, Jim.

Jim,

I just know you'll be back to your old
self again tonight and won't, you know.

But just in case you feel the urge to,
you know, I want you to know this is

for you.

It's a picture of my cat, Mr. Puffy.

I took it while he was in the animal
hospital.

It's hard to see his little face because
of the respirator.

Don't look at that. Nobody look at that.
I know this seems brutal and extreme,

but believe me, there's nothing more
sobering than seeing a loved one with a

hairball lodged in his foot.

Right here in case of emergency.

Thank you, Courtney.

Excuse me, everyone. I just wanted to
let you know that we will be going live

approximately 20 seconds.

Well, do great, Jim.

We're all here with you.

Open the show.

What? I've never opened a show before.
You just read the words, Frank. I know

that. Open up, Frank. Here we go.

In five, four, three, two... Good
evening,

and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, Frank
Fontana... Actually, that's me.

I will take us, take you undercover into
a major airline maintenance

hangar while... Corky Sherwood Forrest
celebrates a happy and fit 76th birthday

with the legendary Jack LaLanne. But
first, a very special interview by

Brown. Thank you, Frank.

It's one of the most painful,
heartbreaking stories you'll ever hear.

I'm not on TV. I don't want to be on TV.

I want a good, strong cup of coffee,
Phil. Flack, no sugar.

I know how you like your coffee, Jim.
I've been serving it to you for 13

I also know a lot of other things about
you, like when something's bothering

you. Nothing's bothering me.

I just needed to get away for a while.

In the middle of a live show?

Look, you got a bartender here all to
yourself.

Why don't you take advantage of the
situation and tell me all about it?

There's really nothing to say, Phil.
I... I simply don't know how I go on

here.

You're talking about that laughing
thing, aren't you?

Have you tried thinking real depressing
thoughts?

If you haven't got any, I'll tell you
what happened when my can of corn

delivered you there. It'll tear your
guts out.

No. In my career, I've covered a war
knee -deep in Korean swamp water.

I've reported men walking on the moon.

I've informed America when one president
was assassinated and another one

resigned.

And now the only thing people will
remember me for is that I found humor in

president's took us and behaved like a
ninny in front of 30 million people.

What is going on with you, Jim?

You're too tough a guy to let something
like this get you down.

That's what everyone thinks. That's what
I thought.

Being in control has always been my
strength. Keeping a cool head while

else was losing theirs. Well, I'm no
longer that rock.

I can't depend on myself anymore.

Frankly, it scares the hell out of me.

Then I guess there's only one thing to
do.

Hold up your tent.

Leave the profession.

I'm thinking about it, Phil. Believe me.
Oh, yeah.

But are you really thinking about it?

What it'd be like sitting on the
sidelines telling people what it used to

like when you were on top.

Is that what you want? Of course not. I
love my work, Phil.

I can't imagine what it would be like
not having it anymore.

Ah, we're getting somewhere.

Now, here's the part where the bartender
leans over and says the one thing that

makes all the difference.

Are you listening? Because this is going
to be good.

I'm listening, Hamilton.

You said your biggest fear was that
you'd be remembered for losing it on the

air.

But if you give up now, that is what
you'll be remembered for.

Ah.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

I guess I never really looked at it that
way.

I guess you're just going to have to
give it another try, Jim. You don't have

much choice, right?

Right?

Oh, come on, Jim. I'm working like a
horse here.

You're right, Phil.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

You better hurry up, Jim, or you'll miss
closing the show.

Oh, good Lord.

There you are, Jim.

I've been looking everywhere for you, in
the commissary, in the dressing room.

I've got to go, Murphy.

Sure, keep running away, but let me tell
you something. I'm not giving up on

you. I'm going to be right here, stuck
to your side, just the way you were with

me until I checked myself into Betty
Ford. You were in the cab, on the plane,

trying to get me off the luggage
carousel in Palm Springs.

I owe you, Jim, and I love you. So stop
acting like a big baby and go back to

work. Okay, let's go.

I'm getting very good at this.

can to restore the public's faith in air
travel from O 'Hare Airport in Chicago

this is Frank Fontana reporting that

was something wasn't it

we'll be back right after this we're out
and in the

commercial one minute to close on the
Frank Fontana hour okay

Close the show and we're home free. You
know, Miles, I could really get used to

the senior anchor thing. Where's my
close -up?

When we come out of the commercial, just
recap the stories and say goodnight. No

sweat. Where's my copy?

There is no copy. Jim always wings it.

Wings it?

Yeah, you've been watching the show.
Recap the stories you saw. Well, I was

paying attention to little stories,
Miles. I was only watching mine.

So, Jim, what was your piece again?
Somebody's birthday, right?

Let's see. Was it Lincoln's?

No.

You watch the show, don't you? I got my
own problems, Frank.

30 seconds.

Jim. Jim's here. Thank you, God. Thank
you.

Move it, Frank. Be my guest. It's all
yours.

20 seconds, people.

Okay, everyone.

Everything's going to be fine.

We can do this.

Ten seconds. I mean it.

So that's our week. From airline

cover -ups to a family's heartbreak to
the remarkable and ageless Jack Nick.

We hope you'll be with us again next
week. In the meantime, I'm Jim Dial.

unprofessional.