Original subtitles

Thank you. Did everybody miss me?

I don't know, Bob. That didn't sound sincere seeing me after work.

Hey, you look fantastic.

Y 'all ready to start the new season? You bet. Nothing like a little R &R. How

was your vacation?

It was great. I went on an archaeological dig. Look what I found.

A Pez dispenser.

Huh? If this baby could talk.

So what about you? Where'd you finally decide to go? To heaven on earth, Frank.

To baseball camp.

Get out of here.

A week in Florida training with Dodger legend.

You remember that trouble I used to have pitching low and inside?

Not anymore.

I guess Steve Garvey won't be needing that vasectomy.

Great. You left a cherry yogurt on your desk for four weeks. Jimbo, my man.

Hey, Jim, how's it going? Perfect.

So, uh, why didn't I get a postcard from you in Nantucket? Why?

Because Nantucket was a living hell.

Doris and I will never, ever share a house with the Roonies again.

Andy drove us out of our minds.

Did you ever wonder why crabs walk sideways?

Have you ever noticed you can never get the sand out of your bathing suit?

And why is it when you cut a nose hair that it grows in even thicker?

Doris got so upset she tried to run him down with a dune buggy.

I'll tell you how glad I am to be back here.

It's really something, isn't it? The beginning of our 13th season together.

FYI's 390th broadcast.

And I'm ready for it.

I think I can even face a new secretary.

You must be my new secretary. I'm Murphy Brown.

Ms. Brown, I'm Kevin Mallory.

Thank you so much for this opportunity.

Having a good job during the day helps pay for my studies at night.

Well, good for you, Kevin.

Well, why don't you start by going to the supply room and getting me some

number two pencils. You'll find I go through them pretty quickly. You got it.

Oh, by the way, what are you studying?

Who said that was an unlucky number?

Come, my little anchors and anchorettes. We have important things to discuss.

You know, I was talking to my girlfriend the other day. My girlfriend, Audrey.

And she said, my girlfriend said something very insightful to me. My

said, Miles, do you realize how fortunate you are to have the job you

My girlfriend made me think... We get it, Miles.

We get it. Does everybody get it?

Miles has a girlfriend and her name is Audrey. Is everybody finished?

Where's Corky?

Nobody's heard from her since the wedding. It must have been some

you know what I mean.

Yes, Frank, we all know what you mean.

May I suggest we practice a little restraint when she arrives?

After all, Corky was, well, innocent, and sometimes, well, deflowering can be

traumatic experience for a young woman.

Hi, everybody!

Hi, Beth!

I really have to apologize for not writing thank you cards to all of you

wonderful wedding gifts.

I have been busy.

In fact, we were so busy on our honeymoon, we hardly ever left the hotel

Busy, busy, busy.

Morning, noon, and night.

Sometimes we were busy three times in one morning.

Oh, Murphy, I hope you get busy soon.

Now that we're all here, I just want to open my thing.

have something important to discuss.

Being that this is our 13th season, I'm thinking that maybe it's time to breathe

some new life into FYI.

Maybe make some changes. Now, wait a minute, Miles.

FYI has been very successful. True, but research says we're not adding new

viewers. According to my calculations, if this trend continues, by the year

2000, our audience will be a guy named Mort.

Believe me, I'm not suggesting wholesale changes.

We're going to carefully select a dozen impartial viewers, screen a show for

them, and hear their suggestions.

Why don't you just call it what it is, Miles? It's a focus group, isn't it?

Yeah, last time we used a focus group, I ended up wearing a toupee.

I hate that stupid thing. I feel like I'm telling America the news with a dead

beaver on my head.

Oh, listen to you people.

You're too afraid to get some honest feedback from the American public.

Well, fine.

I guess I'll be attending the focus session myself.

It's this afternoon at 3 in the 10th floor testing facility.

If you're interested.

As if any of us could have the slightest interest in what a focus group has to

say about it.

The screening is almost over, Mr. Silverberg.

As you know, you and the focus participants are separated by one -way

You will be able to see and hear everything. They will have no idea

watching them.

Anything I can get you?

No, thank you, Greta. I'll be fine.

Gladys Knight and her pimps.

I'm not here for the focus group, if that's what you think.

We're here to see the chairs.

Guys, these are the chairs I was telling you about.

Let's begin our discussion.

Since this is the first time any of you have seen FYI, we would be very

interested to hear your reaction to each of the anchor people.

Jim Dial, for instance.

Now, is this a man that you would invite into your living rooms every Wednesday

night? You know, I don't really relate to him.

He doesn't seem like the kind of guy you could call up on the spur of the moment

and invite to, say, a tractor pull.

I mean, he looks like he forgot to take the hanger out of his jacket.

Jim Mann, I want you to remember, this is meant as constructive criticism. Of

course, Miles.

The man is entitled to his opinion.

And if we keep an open mind, there might be something valuable to be gained from

this. Very professional, Jim.

You can't see me, Teddy.

Why don't we move on to the other male anchor, Frank Fontana? How would you

him?

Was there another guy?

I just thought there was one man. Two blonde women in one man, right?

This is a nightmare.

Nobody remembers Frank Fontana.

He's the one who did the report on the crack house.

Oh, that guy.

I thought that was a commercial for the hair club.

I'm sorry. It's not funny, Murphy. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain right

You want to say I'm thin -skinned? Say anything you want. It doesn't matter. I

don't exist.

I'm like some high -pitched whistle that only dogs can hear.

Why don't we move on to Corky Sherwood?

Oh, no, I can't listen. I can't listen.

Well, I loved her.

Yeah, me too. She has a certain joie de vivre.

Yes, she seems like such a happy person.

And caring.

What did they say?

They hated you.

This is ridiculous. I can't believe we're listening to this crap.

What do we care what these people have to say? Let's go. Now what about

everyone's reaction to Murphy Brown? Wait, they're talking about me.

Well, I for one did not think that Murphy Brown was very polite to that man

was interviewing.

Now, Mr. Noriega may have done some bad things, but the way she was yelling at

him...

Careful the way she dressed.

Whoever heard of wearing a pink jacket?

Ooh, it was so ugly.

Yeah, I'm really going to take fashion criticism from you. Are those your

regular clothes or did you come here straight from clown college?

That was

totally

uncalled for.

Okay, some of this criticism may have been over the top.

But we can't ignore the fact that very few positive comments were made.

So I have decided to hire an image consultant who will help broaden our

and take FYI into the 90s. Oh, no, I hate those image consultants. They all

from L .A. Nothing good ever came from L .A.

Except a pool boy named Eric at the Bel Air Hotel.

My mind is made up.

On the first broadcast of the new season, there will be some changes.

You can work.

Now here's the plan. When that image consultant guy gets here, I think we've

to let him know where we stand right away.

I've been looking through my list of revenge techniques, volume two, best of

80s, and I think maybe the glue and the comb thing would be good, although I'm

open to suggestions.

I've always liked glue and the combs.

That's what I'm trying to tell you guys. You've got to have your own personal

style. This blue blazer gray pants fit is out of here. Unless you don't mind

people coming up and asking you for an extra pillow and help with the tray

table.

Hi there.

Everyone, this is Chris Bishop, our image consultant.

Chris, this is Murphy Brown, Jim Dial, Corky Sherwood, and Frank Fontana. Maybe

you've heard of me? Let me just say, right off the blocks, out of the chute,

from Jump Street, get go.

I know how you're feeling.

Change is scary, and I'm the change guy.

I don't want you to think of me as the enemy. I want you to think of me as the

guy who's come to save your show.

Can I borrow your comb? Murphy, do not.

Let's cut to the chase here.

I've viewed hundreds of hours of FYI, and I've noticed a few things.

For instance, Jim. Yes, what?

You don't blink, Jim.

Do you know that about yourself?

We've got to loosen you up. Get some eyelid action going. Get you out of that

suit and tie thing. Now, Hank. Frank. Frank.

We can solve that visibility problem if we just turn up your volume.

You're an investigative reporter.

You do dangerous things. We need to exploit that. So I've come up with a new

segment for the show. It's called Let Frank Do It.

Viewers write in, and they ask Frank, what's it like to, say, jump off a

with a bungee cord?

And then Frank does it.

In fact, let's lead off with that one. We'll shoot it on Tuesday.

Wear tight shoes. Don't eat anything for breakfast.

I don't have a journalism background, but I am learning, and I know I can do

better. What are you talking about?

We're not going to change a single thing about you.

Except maybe hike that skirt up a little bit.

Oh, what the hell? Just lift it over your head.

No, that's too far. I'm just kidding you.

So, that leaves us with you, Murphy.

No, it doesn't.

Let me start out by saying that you definitely have your own style.

But you've got a serious...

Warmth problem.

Maybe it's because of those hard -hitting interviews you do.

I'd like to see you personally go one -on -one with the average American

citizen. Just take the pulse of the heartland.

What do you think?

I love it, Chris. I really do. And I'd like to meet with you about it tonight.

At the docks.

Look, people.

I can't force you into anything here.

But take a look around you.

All the networks are developing itchy trigger fingers the second the ratings

waver, the axe falls.

Maybe we should give them some time to absorb this.

Okay, but don't take too much time. I want to get started on the new set. I

to shoot the new opening.

Me too.

You and me go shopping. I got a couple of great ideas for you. Really?

Maybe go with a double vent in the jacket, right?

I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Okay, people.

Let's pick up the pace a little.

Live television is about to happen.

Hello, Murphy.

You know, this is not a nurturing environment.

Some of us are trying to change and grow.

And some of us are trying to hold on to one last shred of dignity.

What is this set, Miles?

It looks like Robert Redford's living room.

Where's the bean dip?

It's the Santa Fe look. Hey, I'm sick of it too, but research tells us that

women 18 to 34 still buy this crap. Look, I want you to get in the program.

need you to radiate friendliness and caring.

Let me tell you something.

When I interviewed Ollie North, he said the experience was like sticking his

face in a buzzsaw.

I cherish those words, Chris. I even had them embroidered on a pillow, because

that's just the kind of gal I am. But she's going to try really hard to be

like a power tool, isn't she?

Isn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chris, can I ask you something?

Are you sure about this set? I mean, it's a bigger change than I expected.

Miles, are you questioning me?

Well, yes.

Let me ask you something, Miles.

When women see you now, what do you think they're saying to themselves?

Who is this small god?

So? You're right, you're right. I'm just a little uncomfortable with this. It's

not a problem. I'm sure we made all the right choices.

Oh, good lord.

There's no desk.

How can we anchor a broadcast without a desk?

People will see our legs. I hate that.

Take it easy, Jimbo. It's just going to take a little getting used to. Who are

you? Oh, my god.

My skirt's too short.

I don't know. Fellas, is your skirt too short?

America has voted.

Thank you.

What about the piece? Are you sure I should be wearing it?

I think the hair works.

If you want to take the risk, that's up to you.

I'm not sure. Jim, what do you think? I don't know, Frank. I have my own

problems. All right, 15 seconds there, people.

Get them up, move them out. Get them out!

Okay, everybody remembers how we're going to do this, right?

We cue the new opening, then go to Jim. Frank, we want some friendly cross

-chatter. Take a sip of coffee from the mugs in front of you.

Jim, don't forget to blink. Let's all help Frank. Let's say his name as

frequently as possible. All right, let's clear the set, people.

Come on, let's settle.

Here we go.

In five, four, three, two...

a new segment called Let Frank Do It.

Frank, why don't you tell us a little bit about that, Frank?

Thanks, Jim.

It seems as though many of you out there have been wondering what it might be

like to shoot the rapids of the Colorado in a flimsy little raft, wrestle an

alligator in the Everglades, and even ride as a passenger in a Domino's pizza

truck.

It's dangerous, it's crazy, and I, Frank Fontana, am here to do all that for

you.

Frank, that sounds fascinating.

Speaking of fascinating, Corky Sherwood Forrest spent a week as an air traffic

controller.

But first, Murphy Brown in a very special piece.

As you know, Murphy has interviewed some of the most powerful people in the

world. Very, very true.

But tonight, tonight we thought, let's see what's on the mind of an average

American. And so we picked one. Just picked one at random.

right out of the phone book, because that's how we do things now.

And she's here tonight.

So watch and listen as Murphy Brown talks with Mrs. Betty Hooley from

Greenfield, Idaho.

Murphy?

Thank you, Jim. And welcome to FYI, Mrs. Hooley. The challenges facing an

American family in the 1990s must be enormous.

Tell me, for instance, how do you make ends meet?

Oh, well, it isn't easy.

My husband and I both work so we can pay our bills and send our children to good

schools. So you've sacrificed because you put a high priority on education.

Oh, we didn't plan on sending our children to an expensive private school,

we really had no choice. Not after the Italians took over.

Excuse me?

The Italians?

There are a lot of them in the neighborhood.

They look like regular families, but you just know they're up to no good.

I don't want my children around them, so we really had no choice.

Let's talk about the American dream, Mrs. Hooley. Do you own your own home?

Yes. When my husband and I got married, that was one of our goals, and we

finally achieved it. Last year, we bought our dream house.

So, the good old American work ethic paid off.

It did, until the black people moved in next door.

It's all over now.

You know, it's like what happened when the Chinese man bought the dry cleaners

from the Jewish people.

All of a sudden, there's no...

free delivery anymore.

They're cheaper than the Jewish people. And they don't even stuff the sleeves

with paper.

At least the Jews stuff paper.

Although they often overcharge me for silk blouse. It's their way.

Mrs. Hooley, has anyone ever accused you of being a bigot?

Who, me? No, the other Mrs. Hooley. Yes, you.

hire black families in this country who go through life as fine, upstanding

citizens, and some of them aren't even good dancers.

And I'll bet there are at least one or two Italians who've never put a horse's

head in a bed.

What is your mind, Mrs. Hooley? Have you ever read a newspaper?

Would you even recognize one if you saw one? I'm sure you're dying to answer

these questions and maybe even tell us why Hitler was misunderstood, but I

want to keep you from your Ku Klux Klan meeting.

Back to you, Jim.

consultant. And Otto, the gay woodsman.

You know, everything was going great last night.

Until your segment, Murphy, you were the only problem.

I was the problem?

You know, guys like you come in for a week, put your greasy little

all over everything, and then split.

Meanwhile, we have to live with what you do. Well, not me. I'll run you out of

here on a rail if I have to. No.

Let Frank do it.

Yeah.

a year from now when America's funniest home accidents has beaten your pants

off. Because a show like this is a dying breed. News, information, challenging

material.

Just doesn't fly anymore.

And that's a cold, hard fact.

See you around.

Do you think he's right?

The answer is in this envelope.

It's a rundown of viewer response. They came in last night.

We logged nearly 600 phone calls.

Have you looked at it, Miles? No, not yet.

600 calls.

That's a lot.

Can't remember ever getting 600 calls before.

I wonder what they thought.

Well, aren't we going to open it? Why?

We know everyone must have hated the new FYI.

Or loved it.

No. We have to trust our own instincts.

I know now that I made a mistake.

it would be hard not to standing here wearing Trigger's blanket.

We cannot talk down to people. If we do, we train them to accept very little.

So I cast my vote for real news all the time. Here, here.

So what are we standing around for? We have our 391st show to produce.

All right.

Oh,

Frank, you burned your hair again.

How many times do I have to tell you these things cost money?