Original subtitles

When it's cold outside, I've got the

warmth of man.

I guess you say, what can make

me feel this way? Magic, magic, magic.

Talking about my girl, my girl.

I've got so much fun in the business of me.

I've got a sweet heart.

Frank, I can't believe you didn't read my memo. How many times do I have to

you? An investigative reporter is trained to uncover information, Miles.

you just hand me a memo, you take away the challenge.

If you want me to read it, cut it up in little pieces and leave it hidden around

the office.

I'm not going to say this again, Frank.

Read the memos. It's part of the job.

Shirley, would you like to tell Frank what was in this morning's memo?

This is unbelievable.

Okay, everybody, listen up.

I want a show of hands right now. Who has read this morning's memo?

Oh, you brown -nosed you. What?

Weren't we supposed to?

Miles, would you just tell us what's in the memo? Now, I know that sounds

simple, but so is riding a bike, and you've almost got that mastered.

Stress reduction!

It was about stress reduction, okay?

I got the results of the office stress test, and people...

If we don't learn how to relax, we are all headed for disaster.

Well, not all of us. Jim isn't headed for disaster. Jim's headed for Aruba on

Walter Cronkite's sailboat.

Oh, quit pouting, Frank.

You didn't get invited. Face it, Walter doesn't like you. He told me at dinner.

You had dinner with Walter Cronkite? We've all had dinner with him.

Oh, like I care.

Like I'm supposed to feel left out and rejected now?

I have friends.

I have money. I live alone because I choose to. I'm happy, damn it.

I'll bet Frank's score was horrible. What was it, Miles?

Individual scores aren't the issue, Corky. I'm not going to embarrass anyone

naming names.

Are you out of your mind?

Oh, come on. You've got plenty of time to type my notes. First babies are

late.

Bye.

Tomorrow morning, 9 a .m., conference room A.

we are having a stress reduction class.

Wear comfortable clothes. You're all expected to attend.

All, meaning everyone.

Meaning... Miles, would you step into my office for a minute?

If she's not going, I'm not going. Just go, right? We're all going.

Close the door, Miles. I'm not closing the door. I've learned that much. And if

I can't see your hands the whole time, I'm out of here.

Miles... I'm not going to the class.

I've got a source who says the Pine River nuclear facility is leaking

waste, but he's afraid to go public. How can I break that story if I'm sitting

in a lotus position breathing through my navel?

You scored 284 on a test where 250 is a triple bypass.

I know how important this story is. I want it as badly as you do, but you need

this class.

284? It was the second worst score of the entire staff.

At least I'm not the worst. Who beat me?

Just be there, okay?

Morning, people.

Delighted to see everybody's here and... Love the outfit, Miles.

Oh, I hate it when this happens. How much did you pay for yours?

Can we just move on, please?

Where's Murphy?

She's dead. Didn't anybody tell you?

Simple I don't know would do, Frank.

Okay, everyone.

I'd like to introduce you to Mr.

Guru Prem.

He'll be conducting the class.

Guru?

Good morning, everyone.

I'm sure you'll find the next few minutes enlightening and enjoyable.

All I ask is that you remain open.

Good thoughts cannot blossom in the arid soil of a closed mind.

All right, all righty, let's do this. Let's reduce our stress and get the hell

out of here.

Nobody told me we were having teams.

Why aren't you dressed?

I'm just going to stand and watch and then do it at home tonight.

I really will, I promise.

If I could have everyone's attention for a moment.

I'd like to show you some simple exercises which can help lower your

pressure and raise your energy level.

We call this first exercise the elephant waves his trunk and calls to the herd.

He waved at Trunk.

And called to the herd.

The herd, herd.

Miles, did you read that stuff I put on your desk last night? Pine River's been

buying up land all over the facility.

I think they're hurting something.

We'll talk about this later. I'm trying to concentrate.

That's it.

Feel the power of your trunk.

Where'd they get this guy?

Did you notice that smile?

I think he's all peace and love, and then one day the police find his mother

a hefty bag in the freezer.

Very good.

Now we move into The Penguin Grooms His Feathers.

Miles, this is ridiculous. Can I talk to you for a minute? If I fly to Pine

River this afternoon, maybe I can get close enough to get soil samples.

And from here, we gently move into The Monkey Goes to Sleep and Dreams of the

Stars.

Yeah, right. I can see me doing this every day. Miles, I want to go to Pine

River. I need authorization.

Make a decision.

I can't hear you. The blood is rushing to my head. I said I need to...

What? You need to what? And now the monkey reaches for a coconut.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. It's just a little muscle spasm.

Okay, just try to relax.

What we want to do is to breathe some air into those muscles.

By the way, you have to find a relief form, haven't you?

would you? This really isn't a good time for me. Come on, everybody.

Squeeze in. I'll just stand by her head.

Okay, everybody smile.

Great. Which way is the gift shop? I don't know. She doesn't know.

Let's ask that man.

Now, can I have a cigarette?

Miles, where have you been? I'm still waiting for my x -rays. What'd they do?

Take them to photo mat?

They're doing pre -cholesterol checks in the cafeteria.

Six months on a high -fiber diet, and I'm still at 240.

I got so depressed I ate a chili cheese dog. I'm killing myself.

Miss Brown, I'm Nurse Hawkins. If there's anything I can do, any

might need for a story, just let me know.

She's not here to do a story. She heard her back. Yeah, right.

Good choice.

Back injuries are very hard to disprove, especially if you get one of those new

interns.

not faking this.

Mm -hmm. I have stories that'll make your flesh crawl.

I'll be around later.

Dr. Bishop?

Well, Murphy, I've looked at the x -rays.

I think you can forget about leading that cattle drive.

What are you talking about?

You got a slipped disc.

You're online for a few days.

You've been waiting for this, haven't you, Elliot? I'm healthy as a horse. I

only see him once a year, and that just drives him crazy, doesn't it? You know,

Every time I see you, I regret not becoming a veterinarian. Okay.

Let's review.

Jim's on a boat with Walter Cronkite.

You're flat on your back. And I'm developing a tick in my left eye.

This is good.

I was getting too comfortable.

You can't afford that in my job.

This is really a blessing. A gift. Thank you, God.

Look, Elliot, I'm really close to cracking a major story. I can't afford

waste time lying around.

Besides, I wouldn't even...

Be here if I weren't for that stupid stress class.

It's not the class.

It's you.

I mean, I've only been here two minutes, and I'm so tight I could open a Pepsi

with my butt.

Now, you listen to what I'm telling you.

A slip disc is nothing to fool around with.

You're here till I let you out, and that's that.

He's right, Murphy.

We can handle things without you for a few days.

That's all it would be. A few days. No more than that, right, Doc?

I don't know.

And don't call me Doc. I don't like Doc.

Good morning, Miss Brown. I don't usually pull a double shift, but it's so

exciting to have you here, I just couldn't go home.

And look, here's another bouquet.

You're the most popular person in the hospital.

Should I read the card?

I don't care.

Wow! It's from Connie Chung!

You can't fool me! You're having your thighs sucked!

I'll just put it right over here. I know you'll want to save it.

Now, is there anything else I can get you from the video store?

Okay, ladies. Who left Miss Cutcheck in the bathroom?

I wrote down a few of the things we talked about yesterday.

I can't wait to blow the lid off this slaughterhouse.

I'm really not doing a story. I have a slipped disc. You can see it in the

chart.

Hey, your back is a mess.

They're not talking about cutting, are they? Don't let nobody near your spine.

One of those pinhead residents get a little...

There, kiddo. How you doing, Murph?

I'm having a ball, Frank.

More fun than I ever dreamed of. I've made friends I'll keep for the rest of

life. How do you think I'm doing?

Oh, Murphy, I'd work on that temper if I were you. There are a lot of attractive

young doctors here.

And judging from the way you look, you're going to have to rely on

now more than ever.

Do you get to keep this? I'd love to borrow it sometime. I know somebody

look great in it.

of my skull here. What if something breaks on the Pine River story?

What if the phone in my office is ringing?

I think it is. I can feel it.

See? See? The minute you start talking about work, you tense up.

If 2020 or 60 Minutes gets the Pine River before us, so be it. Your health

more important.

I know what'll cheer you up.

The bar got a letter from Jim.

Now let me see here.

Dear gang, greetings from Aruba.

It's been an interesting six days sailing with Walter.

They say you don't really know someone until you travel with them.

Well, I've now learned that the most trusted man in America is hoarding fruit

cocktail in his cabin.

He has me swabbing the deck twice a day, and sometimes I'm on lookout for 12

hours straight.

Last night I dreamt of smothering him with a pillow.

I better go now.

He's getting suspicious.

Pray for me.

Jim.

Nice flowers.

Oh, yes. Beautiful. Oh, nice flowers. Yes.

Hello?

Who's calling?

Uh, one sec.

Murphy, some guy won't give his name. You want it? Oh, what the hell?

Murphy Brown here.

Miles, that was so sweet what you said about Murphy's health being the most

important thing. I think she really needed to hear it.

She lied to me.

She said she was a fast healer.

Look at her. She'll be lying in that bed till she voos.

There's no way we're going to get that story.

Mike Wallace is probably checking into the Pine River Hyatt right now.

This stress reduction thing is doing you a world of good.

Miles, take the phone. Frank, get me my clothes. I've got to get out of here.

What's going on? That caller was my source at Pine River. He says he's ready

talk on camera. I've got to get a film crew and get out.

Stop it. Your gown is going to ride up.

Let me suggest something here.

What if I take the crew and meet this guy? Yes, that's a great idea. Wait a

minute, wait a minute. Frank can do the interview, and I'll go through your

background material, work with your editor.

Miles, I've got tons of material on Pine River. It's all over the place. I'm the

only one who can understand it. Now, come on, Murphy. Frank and I can handle

this. Matter of fact, I'll write the copy myself.

Trust me, this is for your own good.

I know, I know.

And I appreciate your concern, Miles.

I really do.

Could you adjust these pillows for me?

Sure.

Now listen to me, Nurse Nancy. I'm not going to be in here forever, and I know

where you live. If you don't let me work on this story, all the bed rest in the

world isn't going to help you. Capisce?

What exactly will you be needing?

Jerry, back it up a little. I missed that last bit.

No, no, no. Too far, too far. Go forward.

I said forward.

No, not so much. Go forward. Go backward.

Faster. Slower.

You know, you're starting to sound like my wife.

Just hurry up and do it, Jerry.

Yep, it's uncanny.

Fran, I need a total on the cuts we've made so far.

Marv, I need that copy.

Jeez, what is that, the Vulcan death grip? Take it easy.

Physical therapy is not my usual job, okay?

Nobody else wants to come in here. Two of my nurses transferred to the morgue

for some peace and quiet.

Just another example of the garbage I have to deal with.

Look, why don't you take a break, okay? Have some coffee.

Maybe later we can talk about your story.

I don't need you.

Willard Scott is coming in next week for a hernia operation.

Murphy, did you know there's a picture of you at the nurse's station with a

hypodermic needle through it?

No, I did that. The nurses are drawing extra blood just for the fun of it.

You ask people to run a few errands, do some xeroxing, and I think you're

difficult. So, Murph, did you see my rough cut?

Your man's testimony was incredible.

When we air this thing, the country is going to be screaming for an

investigation of Pine River. It wasn't bad, Frank, but it's got to be a lot

better. Now, I've started making some notes here. Not bad. It's terrific.

It was terrific until you cut half my background for it. We needed that time

the interview. That's where all the heat is. The audience won't understand the

interview without the background material. Of course, guys, guys, guys.

We're a team here. We can work this out. Yeah, and another thing. I spent a lot

of time on this copy. I don't appreciate it being completely rewritten.

Oh, excuse me, Lillian Hellman. I shortened some sentences. I think we're

a little... picky here, don't you? These are all valid points. I'm not a picky

person.

Oh, for God's sake. They cut my sandwich diagonally again. Didn't you tell them

I did that?

Ah, choke on it.

Look, Murphy, you've been through a lot in the last few days.

Pain, frustration, boredom.

Can't be easy for a firehorse like you to hear the bell and not be able to

the station.

To see the rabbit and not be able to run the track.

To smell the... What the hell are you talking about?

You're not going with Frank's cut, are you? He looked at your footage, he saw

edit, and he thinks I'm right. I don't believe this. Look, Murphy, you've been

through a lot in the last few days, and I think after you've had a little time,

you'll be able to see things more clearly.

I guess you're right, Miles.

Maybe I'm going a little stir -crazy.

Do you think you could help me with that blanket?

Forget it. I'm not falling for that again.

You weasels, you can't do this to me. You think I won't be able to do anything

about it? Well, I've got nothing going on in here. I want you to get the

These two are trying to kill me.

Well, you're going to have to get in line. There's hawking organized a

And look at all this equipment.

No wonder the lights in the operating room kept dimming.

All right, look, I want this place cleared out. I want all distractions

a minimum. Oh, hey, if we got to go, we got to go.

Fine with me.

So long, Murphy.

Guess this means we won't be seeing you in Lombada class.

That's right.

Blink away, just like the jackals you are.

My curse on all your heads.

That's it. That larynx of yours is definitely coming out.

Like the radioactive wastes that litter Pine River, secrets have a way of

leaking out.

This story would not have been possible without the efforts of my colleague,

Murphy Brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, for Jim Dial, who's on vacation, Murphy Brown, who's in the hospital, and

Corky Sherwood, who's here, this is Frank Fontana.

Chin up, America.

Ah! This is where they've been hiding you.

Eldon, what are you doing here?

This may come as a shock to you, but I just came to visit.

Here.

I bought you something.

A cactus?

Somehow, roses didn't seem appropriate.

Eldon, this may come as a shock to you, but I kind of missed you.

You know, if you tell anyone I said this, I'll deny it.

I missed you, too.

Thanks for coming.

I could use a friendly face.

So when are you going to get sprung from this joint?

I don't know. My doctor isn't speaking to me anymore. I think it went into real

estate.

It doesn't matter anyway. All he kept saying was, you have to relax. You have

take it easy. How can I take it easy? I just watched our show.

They took my story, Eldon.

They took my story away and they did it all wrong.

Ah, I see.

You know, I had a similar experience a few months ago.

I got requested to a job downtown.

It was an interesting project.

But you were in the middle of that baseboard crisis.

So, I was forced to recommend Bob.

from Ed's Paints, it killed me to do it.

But I must say that he did an outstanding job.

You know, he used a stippling technique that I've never seen before. What is the

moral here, Alan, that the next time there's a story I can't do, I should

Bob at Ed's Paints?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

All I'm saying is I walk around, I see walls everywhere.

Walls I want to paint.

Like this one.

Look at the brush hair in that thing. It's disgusting.

But what am I going to do?

I can't paint every wall in town.

Though I do have some interesting ideas for the Library of Congress.

They did it without me, Eldon.

And that's what hurts?

No. What hurts is they did it okay.

I hate that. I hate it.

Ow.

You're not getting this, are you?

If you don't give it up a little bit, you're going to be in here forever, and

you don't want that. Believe me, I heard those nurses talking. They hate you.

Okay, you've made your point.

All right.

Now, how about a nice game of chess?

You know, I lost one of the kings, so I've been using the little top hat from

our Monopoly game.

Crack it open and prepare to lose, but first I've got to make a call.

Hi, John.

It's Murphy. Is Frank still on the set?

Thanks.

What are you doing?

I gotta get that hair out.

Frank.

Hi, it's me.

I saw the show.

It was okay.

Well, it was better than okay.

Fine. You're the greatest reporter in the history of man.

Frank, will you come visit me tomorrow?

Thanks.

to talk to you about that Chin Up America thing.

What was going through your mind?

Please, Frank, in the future, talk to me.