Original subtitles

You better think, think, think about what you're trying to do to me.

Think, think, think, let your mind go left to south, be free.

Let's go back, let's go back, let's go back on the way back when.

I didn't even know you, you couldn't have been too much more than 10.

The congressman goes rushing back to his office with his pants on backwards.

His secretary is still in the Xerox room looking for her black.

And then you bake it at 750 degrees for five hours.

Oh, hi, Miles.

Mr. Mary Margaret. I asked Mr. Mary Margaret to join us for a few minutes

she heads back to the convent. Oh, please, sit down, sister.

Sister, let me just say it was an honor having you on the show tonight.

The work you do, delivering warm meals to the elderly, is truly selfless.

Yeah, if I'd had nuns as nice as you in high school, I wouldn't be sweating like

this now.

Thank you all so much. You've been so kind.

God bless you all.

Oh, no, it's Jerry Gold.

Don't look, don't look, don't look.

The king of trash TV.

He really roasts my rump.

Sorry, sister.

Well,

look at Murphy Brown and her valiant band of perky crusaders.

I saw your white horses parked out front. Thought I'd mosey in and say,

-do. And say, sister, let me just say, you have a television presence that puts

Sally Field in the toilet.

Gee, Jer, shouldn't you be out saving the oil industry from those pesky

environmentalists? Very good, Brown.

Brown made it funny.

Well, how you doing there, Sherwood?

Ever figure out why people don't get dizzy when the Earth rotates?

You know, Gold, if I hadn't hurt my back reaching into the hamper this morning,

I'd ask you to step outside.

Oh, gee, Silverberg, I wouldn't want to take advantage of a guy with a hamper

injury.

We don't have to sit here and listen to this. Let's go. I'm starting to feel

like I need a flea dip.

Yeah.

Mr.

Gold.

You're a troubled young man in need of understanding.

Just remember that God is smiling down on you, and your life will have meaning.

I still think you guys look better in the penguin suits.

Schmuck.

Hey, Jer, that's quite a gift. You could clear cockroaches out of a tenement.

What's wrong with you, Brown? Don't you have some starving wildebeest you've got

to go save? I don't scare so easy, Gold.

Yeah, you know, I noticed that. You're tough, Brown.

Most men would find you, what, shrill, pushy, like a rottweiler with a grudge.

Me? I like those qualities in a woman. Oh, please, Jer, I'm blushing.

Oh, excuse me a minute, Dumplin'. I'll be right back.

Hey, where'd everybody go? A visit from Jerry Gold.

Oh, that guy's driven away more business than the stuffed cabbage incident of

77.

If I didn't know what I know about Gold, I wouldn't let him in the door.

Wait a minute, Phil. What do you mean if you didn't know what you know? You got

something on Jerry Gold? Don't hold out on me.

Last year, Gold donated ten grand to Sister Mary Margaret's Hot Meals at Home

program. Got the info from Father Delbecchio himself.

He's the only one who knows.

Gold wants it kept quiet.

I don't believe this.

Just when you think you know somebody.

You're telling me. That's exactly why I don't go to Father Delvecchio for

confession anymore.

He's got a big mouth.

Well, great news, Brown.

Got my show for next week.

The Women of Noriega. I'll be wearing a surgical mask.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

So convincing.

This obnoxious loudmouth you do so well.

It's all an act, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

Your rather sizable donation to Hot Meals at Home, and don't try to deny it,

heard it from Phil.

Damn.

Boy, I'll never be able to look at you the same way again. I mean, I'll always

know this lovely thing about you. Will you keep your voice down?

Look, don't tell anyone, okay?

Okay, I won't.

If you tell me why you made that donation, can it be that Jerry Gold

has respect for something? Respect? No.

Let's just say I think their organization isn't a bureaucratic belly

every other half -baked cause out there to save humanity.

So what do you respect, Jerry?

What do I respect?

Nothing.

Now, wait a second. You know, I do respect something.

I respect dissent. Dissent?

Yeah. It makes good things better and bad things crumble.

Look, there are plenty of you dudley do -rights out there always gunning for the

bad guys. That's easy.

But who keeps the good guys in check? Who says, hey, your noble deed is

sour? That happens all the time. The French Revolution, Vietnam, Root, the

generation.

Besides, I love to catch some pseudo -humanitarian with his shorts down.

And you, Brown, you love it just as much as I do.

This is horrifying, Gold. We have something in common.

What else have I misjudged about you?

Why so interested?

What makes you think I'm interested?

Well, you're still here.

This is the first conversation we ever had that didn't involve the word rotate.

Well, I gotta go. I gotta write my intro for tomorrow's show. Yeah, I got things

to do, too.

Boy, this was...

Quite an interesting little encounter session we had.

Yeah, you're telling me.

Listen, you wouldn't by chance want to continue it, you know, maybe

while we're having some food or something?

What? You want to take me to dinner?

If anyone saw me having dinner with Jerry Gold, it would ruin my reputation.

Oh, I see, Brown.

I didn't realize you were such a slave to public opinion.

What, is this some kind of challenge gold? Is that it?

Now you're in trouble.

Okay, I'll have dinner with you.

LaRosa's on Water Street tomorrow, 7 o 'clock.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's okay. Gave me a chance to soak up the ambiance.

I see they washed the floor. It must be somebody's birthday.

Anyway, I brought you this.

You brought me something?

What is it? Open it.

A roadside emergency kit?

Any yuckle can bring flowers on a first... Jerry, this is not a date.

I know, I know. I just can't figure out what the hell it is.

Well, maybe if we keep talking, we'll find out.

Okay.

Question.

Did you think about not showing up?

Yes. I had about 20 excuses, starting with I have to work and ending with I

mauled by a honey bear.

So, why did you show up?

Tough one.

I guess I wanted to know if it was really true that beneath all the

subterfuge... There's a decent guy.

You're not wearing panties, are you?

Low on originality, but I'll give you points for timing.

That's what I like about you, Brown.

You can take a hit and then put it right back over the net.

And now I'm going to go out on a limb here.

In all the time I've known you, I've always found you very attractive.

In a Nordic Gentile sort of way.

Yeah. And as long as we're making confessions here, I once had a dream

you.

You were... Never mind.

Oh, come on.

Let's just say it had something to do with Amtrak.

Normally, after a train dream, I like a cigarette.

Fine, I know that bothers you, so let's just order.

Nick, a couple of veal chops.

Jerry, as long as you're deciding what I'm eating for dinner, I should clue you

in. I don't eat veal.

Oh, that's right. Mr.

Farmer is mean to the little cows, and you and Bob Barker are all upset about

it. Hey, how would you like to be locked in a four -foot box from the day you're

born to the day you're slaughtered without ever having... Brown, brown,

brown, relax.

Nick doesn't even serve veal.

It was a joke.

Oh.

I myself am a vegetarian, but, um...

You go right ahead and eat the flesh of any little animals you want.

Is it going to take longer than this dinner to get a handle on you?

Maybe.

Well, the angel hair pasta looks good. I wonder if they use ricotta in their

manicotti.

What are we doing here? This is insane. Look at us.

A restaurant, chatting, a roadside emergency kit.

I love that.

This is really getting scary.

I know. What should we do?

I don't know. How should I know?

Okay. We could say we know each other a little better now, finish our dinner,

and go on about our lives. That's one choice.

Right. That's good. That makes the most sense.

Or we could do this.

What do you think?

Good one.

Hi. It's me.

I got your gift.

A whale with a little green piece boat.

Yes, I see the little hypocrite in the boat is wearing leather shoes.

Tonight?

Gold? That's four nights in a row. I'm not getting any work done.

Oh, sure.

What happened when I tried to work at your place last night?

And I mean it, Irv. I want that footage ready so I can go right into editing.

Gee, Frank, I'm glad you just walked right in. That knocking business can

wear out a door.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

I'm all yours.

So what's going on with you?

Me? Nothing. I'm just behind on a story. That's what it is. That's all. Oh, come

on, Murph. I know you better than anybody. You haven't been yourself.

Last night in the parking garage, I saw you skip to your car.

I'm sorry, Frank. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet.

I've still got things to sort out.

Okay.

I'll just go then.

You don't want to talk? You don't want to talk. I can accept that.

You didn't kill a man, did you, Murphy?

No, probably not.

Hey, hey.

Sorry, guys. It's kind of a best friend confidential type thing. I can't betray

the trust that Murphy and I have built up over the years.

She didn't tell him.

tell you? Don't cut it out, you big faker.

Okay, okay, fine.

She didn't tell me. You happy?

But I'm going to find out what's going on. By this time tomorrow, I'll have

answers.

Look, little Miss Gandhi, the language of international relations is military

might. Oh, please. You just want to keep stockpiling so that we can annihilate

the world a hundred times over instead of just ten or twenty. Jerry, what is it

this time?

Nuclear proliferations.

I told you I don't want no more fights.

I mean, this is a nice place.

Peaceful and very lovely.

Hey, you.

You got cash?

Yeah, man, I got cash.

Welcome to the roses. Take any type of what you want.

I'm sorry I called you a neo -fascist pig.

That's okay. I know you meant it as a compliment.

Can I have a taste of your carbonara?

Well, okay, but you know, it's got a cream sauce and you should be watching

cholesterol. Oh, that's right.

Thanks, hon.

What do you want to do later?

Want to check out that new gelato place in Georgetown?

Oh, I don't know.

Why drive all that way when we can just have cannoli here?

Well, how about a movie? It's still pretty early.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we rent a tape and just stay in?

Brown.

How do I have the nagging suspicion that you don't want to be seen in public

with me? We're in public now.

This is the only place we ever go.

I think you're having a problem with the concept of us.

Okay, Jerry.

Maybe I have been a little secretive about all of this, but you know what?

That's over.

If people can't accept us, that's their problem.

I promise from now on, things are going to be different.

Thanks.

Thank you.

But you're crazy if you think any unilateral deduction... What do I have

to shut you up?

Okay,

everybody,

I have an announcement to make.

Actually, that sounds formal.

I just have something to say.

Why don't I just say it?

Because I'm not ashamed.

I'm not.

And I know you'll understand because you know, as I do, that it's the unexpected

that makes life so wondrous.

And so, to just say it, I guess the ship's sail on that one.

Murphy!

I'm dating Jerry Gold.

I know this must seem pretty strange to you, but he's not like we thought. If

you could just see him the way I do. Sucking on the same strand of linguine?

Geez, Frank, what'd you do? Follow me? Of course I followed you. That's what I

do. I follow people. We were worried about you, Murphy.

With good reason.

Why couldn't you just be dying?

Okay, look.

You can at least give him a chance. You owe me that much.

Which is why you're going to come to my house Saturday night, and I'm going to

put out food, and Jerry will come, and you'll get to know him. You hear me?

appetizers at 7, dinner at 7 .30, the warmth and joy of true friendship at 8,

and if you're late, I'll kill you.

Hi. Here, these are for you.

Jerry, you never brought me flowers before.

I guess it's the first time for everything.

Come greet our guests. No strangers here, you know everybody.

Everybody, this is my...

Jerry Gold.

Hi. Nice to see you.

Look what he brought me.

Pretty thoughtful, huh? He does this sort of thing all the time.

Thanks, sweetie.

You're welcome, hon.

Well, why don't we sit?

Down.

Sit down.

So, Frank, I caught your report on the Peace Corps last week. Yeah, what about

it?

It was not bad.

I liked it, most of it.

You said it really made you think. You did.

He did.

Well.

Thanks. I was pretty proud of that.

Jerry also said he thought our last few shows were very well balanced.

Isn't that how you put it?

Well, I don't think those are my exact words, but... But, hey, close enough.

I'd say it was a real compliment to you, Miles.

Thank you, Jerry.

Thank you very much.

Jerry, I happened to see one of your shows. I believe it was the one on

governors who like to be spanked.

Now, we came upon that story.

Last summer, I'm walking to the red light district of Amsterdam, and I see

whole... Hey, you know, talking of Europe, I hear they might have to

gilder again.

That's a shame, isn't it?

Murphy, honey, is it okay if I speak directly to our friends? I'm starting to

feel like Lech Walesa here.

Oh, was I hogging the conversation?

Sorry. No, you weren't hogging. You were just finishing my sentences.

You seem to be afraid I might say something to embarrass you in front of

friends. Oh, it's not true.

Although you do have a certain history in that area.

Hey, look, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm being a good boy.

If I wanted to be myself, I would have asked old Sherwood here.

Hey, if a tree fell in the forest and hit you in the head, would you feel it?

of your performance in that chinese restaurant last night when we ran into

hart and his family oh what was i supposed to do when i see the guy

front of a bowl of rice ignore it

Is that why you blew herb tea out of your nose?

You caught me off my guard. And anyway, is it necessary to be so belligerent?

Belligerent? Me? Who is it that can't get a cab in this town because every

driver has her picture on the dash with a red circle and a line through it? Hey,

I give directions a couple of times to a couple of confused cabbies and all of a

sudden I'm a leper. At least Michael Jackson's never threatened to choke me.

like that's a bad thing. You see the ratings on that show? Did you ever get

ratings like that?

Oh, well.

That's just great.

Our first dinner party, over before the appetizer.

And I did it all by myself, huh, Brown?

This is exhausting.

All my relationships are.

See, that's the thing, Jerry.

I'm good at a lot of things, but this isn't one of them. I start saying things

don't normally say.

Doing things I don't normally do.

Oh, God, I'm wearing an apron. You see what I mean?

You know what it felt like for me to walk into a florist and be asked if I

wanted baby's breath in the arrangement?

Then hear myself say, oh, yes, that would be a nice touch.

You know what the problem is? What?

We're too much alike.

Alike?

No.

We're opposites, Brown.

Sure, we both think the world is screwed up, but deep down you have this

annoying hope for the future.

Now, me, I'm a pessimist.

I don't put much stock in mankind and the future.

You see, Murphy, we're opposites.

I guess this is where somebody says it was fun while it lasted.

I hate that. Yeah, me too.

Jerk.

So, I guess that's my cue.

I'll see you around, Brown.

You can keep the flowers.

Gee, thanks.

Oh, one more thing.

You're not planning to talk about our momentary loss of sanity, are you?

I'll eat nails first.