Original subtitles

Thank you.

That's it. I'm not waiting any longer.

Frank obviously doesn't feel this meeting is worth his time.

Now, I know this isn't a popular subject, but just once, I'm asking you

highly skilled professionals to hear me out before you react.

Now, as you all know, the February sweeps period is here. And the

Very funny.

Very mature.

At least one of you understands the importance of this meeting. Thank you,

Murphy.

you that the ratings we get during sweeps period the terms are advertising

those ad dollars keep us on the air do we like being on the air yes we do so

let's accept reality or pretty soon the japanese are going to own this place and

somebody named yakitori is going to be giving a speech and he's not going to

have my sense of humor with that good story in the works, Miles. We don't want

to dump them just because some networked both those afraid of the competition.

Burpee's right.

You can't drop my story in the National Symphony.

I spent three weeks learning to play the triangle, and I want America to see it.

For once, why don't we give the viewing public a little credit?

Miles, if you had a choice between our informative piece on the changing face

Eastern Europe or a titillating Sports Illustrated swimsuit special, which

you watch?

We're dead.

You are not going to believe this. We don't have time for your excuses, Frank.

And if you think the Japanese are going to stand for this chronic tardiness,

you're in for a big surprise.

Let me finish. You know that story I've been working on about Paragon Oil? Of

course. They're trying to get drilling rights in environmentally protected

areas. Say goodbye, Frank. The only way Miles is going to do an oil story this

month is if female wrestlers are covered in it.

I'm serious. I found out that some of the land commissioners who decide on

drilling rights are having a little social gathering at the St. James Hotel

Friday. So? So we are talking a private suite, expensive food, an open bar, and

one other thing.

Hookers. All courtesy of guess who?

Paragon Oil.

Oh! Life is amazing, isn't it? The day starts out badly. Then, from out of the

blue, you hear the word hookers.

And suddenly, nothing is the same.

The only problem is we've got to get some first -hand evidence. I've got to

into that hotel.

But Paragon are smart. They're using all their own... people as waiters and

bartenders, the only people they won't know are the hookers. So what we need

then is a reporter who's willing to go undercover as a hooker. I could do it,

Miles. I could.

It would be tricky, but it would be one of the high points of my career.

Give it up, Frankie. Forget one leg wax, the whole thing's blown.

We need a woman.

We need Murphy.

You need a lot of things, pal. That doesn't mean you're gonna get them.

I can't believe you expect a reporter of stature to dress up in stiletto heels,

fishnet stockings, a skin -tight leather skirt, one of those low -cut sequined

tops that slides off the shoulder.

Would anyone like some coffee?

Jim's right.

The whole idea is offensive and ridiculous.

Nobody's going to be interested in a 40 -year -old hooker.

She's got a point.

Excuse me. Maybe we should give it to Corky.

Me? Then again, Murphy is the more experienced reporter.

All right, I've made a decision.

I'll send both of you. Forget it. I'm not doing it. I'll do it.

Ladies, may I point a few things out to you?

Put aside for a moment that this is a humongous story sent from God so that we

may pulverize our competition.

Let's not lose sight of the fact that petty greed is putting our precious

environment in jeopardy.

We can do something about that.

We must do something about that.

I hate to say it, Murphy, but I think he's right.

Let's see if you still feel that way when some guy hands you a can of Ready

Whip.

I am so humiliated!

Did my mother ever know what I was doing?

Look, you're supposed to show up at the party in half an hour. You better start

getting into character.

What do you mean?

I mean... If you're going to pull this off, you have to develop an attitude.

know, change your voice, your body language.

Let's see you walk.

What? Just walk across the room.

Oh, great.

Olive oil and anklets.

Well, obviously I don't have the ability to turn myself into a tramp as easily

as you do, Murphy.

Let's see your idea of seductive. All right.

Observe and listen. learn.

A man would have to be in prison a long time to find out sex.

Who asked you, Eldon?

Is this the way you're dressing for work now?

No, Eldon, you did such a good job staining the shelves in the library, we

thought you deserved a treat.

This is terrible. This is terrible. You can't I cannot allow this woman to go

out of the house like this. She is pure and innocent.

And it rips me apart to see her defiled in this way.

And yet I find it oddly arousing.

Murphy, we better go now. Good idea.

The walk, Harky, the walk.

Carl, why don't you get some footage of the front of the hotel? We're going to

need it to start off the segment.

Could have gotten Vito, who weighed maybe 135 pounds, but no, you had to get

guy who was once banned from the sizzler.

Whoa, mama!

Get a look at these two babes.

One walks like she's pulling a plow.

The other, yow!

Wait a second.

They're coming this way.

Whoa, and who's your little friend?

Shut up, Frank.

I've got mace in my purse, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Murphy, I didn't think it was possible for a woman to look better than you

normally do.

But right now, I'd sell my soul for five minutes with you.

Well, see, this isn't so bad.

You were afraid she'd look like a cheap tart.

We have something for you. Miles, give it to him, please.

Here you go, Miles.

While we were shopping for our outfits, we spotted this and thought of you.

Very funny.

Very, very funny.

Try it on, Miles.

No. One good humiliation deserves another. Try it on or we're not going

there.

The first Hasidic pimp.

Make sure he wears a trank all night, even driving home.

All right, if everybody's had their fun, we're behind schedule.

Wally, put the wires on them.

Here are the keys to your hotel room.

There's a remote camera in each room the car will control from here. Miles,

where exactly expect me to put these?

Uh, I don't know. Where do you think?

Well, I got a couple ideas.

Hey, hey, it's okay, Carl. Wally, I'll do it myself.

The object of this game is to get one of these land commissioners in a room and

get him to say that he's being bribed by Paragon Oil. Now, remember, your

contact's name is Rita. She's one of the hookers. She'll introduce you around,

but after that, you're going to be on your own. Good Lord.

It smells like a locker room in here.

Oh, my.

Look at the two of you.

Look at you.

Just look at you.

Get out of it, Jim.

Sorry.

some middle -aged bimbos in party hats?

Corky, we're the bimbos. Well, then what are they?

The Johns.

Bimbos Johns.

Bimbos Johns.

Oh,

look

at these men. None of them are wearing natural fibers.

Just relax and stay focused on the story.

Get your fingernails out of my arm.

Hi there.

I don't think I know you.

Or do I?

The soup is cold.

The pot is hot.

Murphy. Rita.

Mary. Mary Alice Williams.

I see Frank went to his Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.

This is a nightmare. We're the techiest women here.

Oh, don't worry about it. Once these out -of -town guys get off the leash,

they'll go after anything.

Thanks a lot. I feel much better.

Say, Rita, why don't you introduce me to your two friends?

Hi, my name is Wanda.

And I'm...

You girls are a little late, but from what I can see, it was worth the wait.

Trust me, Barney, I haven't had any complaints yet.

And you look like you've been doing this for a few years, haven't you, Steve?

Come on.

I'm going to find a really good way to torture you, Miles. Maybe something with

glue and cat hair.

Do you hear me?

Okay, let's go fishing.

Well, hello there.

I'm Jack.

What's your name?

Marlene.

Marlene. What a lovely name.

And it really suits you.

Why don't I leave the two of you alone?

Oh, no, no, no, Wanda. You don't have to go.

Does she, Jack?

Well, I really wasn't looking for a group thing, but... Hey, what the heck?

Oh, well, I never do group things with only three people.

Looks like it's just the two of us.

Oh, well, thanks, honey, but I was looking for something a little younger.

I'm crushed, Hal.

You look like the kind of guy who knows how to have a good time.

Huh? What?

I'm the kind of girl who can give it to you. I'm Wanda and I'm here to make all

your dreams come true.

What do you say?

And then

I'm

going to drag you from my bumper for 40 watts.

Oh, excuse me.

Still no takers, huh?

funny. I was terrified when I got here.

But then after a while, I realized the men were scared too.

Just frightened little boys.

You know, in a lot of ways, this is just like a cotillion.

Except these guys expect me to put out.

But I guess that's a lot like a cotillion too.

Or are they going to be disappointed?

Half the money up front and the other half after the drilling. Nicky!

Nicky! We're not here to talk business.

Relax. Enjoy yourself.

Hey, Wendy. Come on over here.

Nicky, have you met Wendy? It's Wanda. Wanda.

Sorry, sweetheart.

Barney, I just got to get some of this stuff straight. Wanda, Nicky here needs

to learn how to loosen up, and I think you're just the gal that can teach him,

aren't you?

Well, I'd love to try.

Terrific. Go ahead. Enjoy yourself. Yeah, but I don't... Oh, come on. I

bite unless you want me to.

Atta girl.

Well, here we are.

Oh, isn't this nice? Well, you'd think it's nice now.

You just wait a few minutes.

You know, before we rush into anything, I think we should, uh...

Take a moment to appreciate our surroundings.

After all, someone put a great deal of effort into decorating this room.

Nice painting. You ready?

Well, no pot belly on you.

My, my, my, aren't we in a hurry? I think it would be nice just to get to

each other a little better, don't you?

Yeah.

All I know is your name, and at the moment, I can't remember that.

It's Ed.

Bank commissioner, right?

Why don't you just tell me all about it?

Now, honey, I didn't come up here to talk.

You know, from your accent, I'd say you're from the beautiful state of

Louisiana. I'm from there.

There sure is a lot of oil in Louisiana.

Okay, okay. I'm from Louisiana.

Oh, I knew it. What town?

Well, I guarantee you, you never heard of it. I bet I do too know it. Come on.

Okay, okay.

I'm from a little dot on the map called Tullis.

kid. When I was a little kid, I used to hit you on over to Miller's Road.

And then there was that one little band at the top of the hill where if you

stood just right, you could watch the movie at the lot. I'm on the drive -in!

What a show!

Hey! Are you gonna stay in there all night?

Hang on, I'll be out in a minute.

Great.

Well, Miles, this is perfect for sweeps month. The entire country can watch me

begging some guy to come out of the bathroom.

Sorry I couldn't get the wrapper off a little soap. But you did, didn't you?

And now we can get to know each other a little better. That tie looks awfully

tight. Why don't you let me take it off for you? Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe we could talk a little first. You could tell me about yourself

make it more personal.

I think that's a great idea. After all, you're paying for me. Or somebody is.

I heard something about an oil company.

Yeah, well...

That's who hired you, right?

Oh, who pays attention?

I just show up and do what I do best.

Now, Nick, why don't you tell me all about your last big deal? Every detail.

I find those things such a turn -on.

Murphy's going about it all wrong. She's too aggressive.

Men don't like that.

They want to feel comfortable.

They want to feel in charge.

So if they choose to get up in the middle of things and go watch an old

de Havilland movie and collect their thoughts... They shouldn't be the topic

conversation at the weekly bridge gig.

I told you, Miles. Me and pumps and a black teddy, that guy'd be confessing to

Lincoln's assassination.

Sorry I'm late.

My wife took down the directions and screwed them up as usual. Whoa, whoa,

Sorry, buddy. This truck is off limits.

Hey, Jerry.

What are you doing here? Carl. How you doing, guy?

I thought this was a WKTZ truck.

It's supposed to be working with an out -of -town crew on some undercover thing

at the St. James. What's FYI doing here?

Hey, nice setup.

Great resolution on these monitors.

Hey, that's the reporter I'm working with.

What? After Thomas.

From one of the West Coast affiliates. Oh, jeez, that guy's a reporter?

Supposed to be trying to break some oil company scandal. What the hell's he

doing with a hooker?

An old hooker.

I can't believe this.

We've got to warn Murphy.

Frank, go tell her. Me? No way. You're the producer. You go tell her.

I'm not going up there alone.

For God's sake, somebody go!

Oh, no.

I think I'm going to pass out. Clear!

So, how does it work exactly?

You land commissioners give Paragon the right to drill on public land, and they

give you what? A flat fee or a percentage of the profit? Oh, yeah.

Well, you don't want to know all about that. It's boring.

Let's get back to you.

You ever work for any of Barney's bosses at Paragon?

Now, Nicky, I'm not going to answer your questions unless you answer mine.

I'll answer yours if you answer mine.

I asked you first.

Oh, the hell with it.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

Listen, lady, I'm really not interested. I mean, you're very attractive, and I'm

sure you've had a long and distinguished career.

But to be honest, I'm a happily married guy.

And I just came up here because I didn't want to insult Barney. Okay, okay, I've

got another idea.

You're the wounded flyer hiding in my parents' barn, and I'm the innocent

peasant girl who needs to be held.

Take a hike, Murphy.

There's no might be here. It's Wanda.

It's Miles.

Open the door.

It's over.

What are you talking about?

What the hell is this?

Thanks a lot, Miles. He was inches away from spilling his guts. I don't think

so. Murphy, I'd like you to meet Patrick Thomas from ABC.

What? Patrick, this is Murphy Brown.

Murphy Brown?

Oh, man, I don't believe this. What is going on here? He was trying to break

same story we were. I have just spent four months setting myself up as a land

commissioner. And just when I'm about to nail this story, you had a stick your

pad at Brian.

Well, I better get down there and see if I can salvage something.

I hate sweeps month.

Boy, a reporter from another network.

No way I could have called that one.

No. You just have to laugh, don't you?

No, I don't have to laugh. I have to poke you many times with a pointy stick.

Oh, there you are. You're never going to believe what happened. Ed told me

everything. Hey, way to go, Corky. Yeah.

Now you just have to laugh, don't you?

No, I don't have to laugh.

Anyway, we can't stay.

Ed and I are going for coffee and talk about reporting techniques.

And she's going to wear the wig.

Sweet smug.

What a horrible concept.

It was obviously invented by Nazis.

You guys aren't going to believe what just happened.

Aw, now what?

We got rear -ended by a WBVA truck.

They're onto the same story we are. In fact, the entire block is crawling with

sound trucks.

There isn't one land commissioner in this entire hotel.

They're all reporters.

Jim is so mad, he broke the windshield wiper off of Charlie Caroll's Winnebago.

All right, all right, that's it. We blew it. We might as well go downstairs and

pack up. Hey, wait a minute. Where's that hat and coat I bought you?

Oh, I left them in the truck. It looked like it was going to rain. Well, you

better put them back on. Because I'm going to make you walk down Pennsylvania

Avenue while I follow you in the truck taking pictures, which I will then use

my Christmas cards.

Tell you what, Wanda.

Why don't I just pay a hundred bucks and we'll call it a night?

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

I love the Jim Dial voice. Could you say this is Nick at night?

This is Nick at Night. Stay tuned for Murphy Brown.

Stay tuned for Murphy Brown. Moe isn't in right now. Leave a message at the

channel. My good friend Moe isn't here right now.

Oh, you damn little...