Original subtitles

Do you love me? I'm in the groove Do you love me? I'm in the groove

farm of your new secretary.

Oh, God, I'm dying.

There's a message for you from Walter Cronkite.

Really? He said he saw my segment on the greenhouse effect last night. A

wonderful expose of corporate irresponsibility and government short

-sightedness. Enjoyed it immensely.

He said he saw my segment last night and he enjoyed it immensely.

How about that? That's real nice, but let's get serious. Does Walt have a

Nielsen box?

What is it lately?

Everybody's so ratings conscious. It's making me crazy.

Are you a success if 40 million people watch the show and a failure if only 18

million people watch it? Good morning, everybody.

Has Miles come down with the ratings yet? No, he's seven minutes late.

Oh, I wish he'd hurry up, that little turtle.

I hate coming in second.

Let me tell you something, Corky. After 16 years in this business, I've learned

that ratings are baloney. It's the quality of the work that counts, and

all.

I really admire you, Murphy.

You're such a professional.

Now, if I could only get you to vary your hairstyle.

Morning, troops.

How you doing, Jim? Hello, Slugger.

Want to hear something great, Jim? Walter Cronkite called. He said he saw

story last night, and he enjoyed it immensely.

Wonderful. I hope the ratings are up.

Jim, you too? They're just a meaningless bunch of numbers.

Yes, you're right.

But why don't they like us in Denver?

Hiya, Miles.

Let's get started with our little meetings so we can get back to writing

that journalistic giants like Walter Cronkite can enjoy immensely.

What's wrong with you?

We took it in the short.

If the ratings get any lower, I'll be hosing down the produce at Food World.

Who got the audience, as if I didn't know? Jerry Gold and his headline news

show. News?

The man spent an hour exploring the tragic plight of six crazed registered

nurses. Well, it may not be our idea of news, but it sure has the public's

attention. We got a 13 share. Gold pulled a 42.

He's stomping us in the cities. That's the third time in three weeks we've

slipped in Denver.

And our 18 to 49 demographics have dropped right off the page. What's the

with these people?

Murphy, I thought you said it was the...

of the work that counts. Didn't you hear him, Corky? We're losing.

At least we beat Mr. Belvedere. I hate this.

We work hard on our shows. We go to the wall to stay accurate and intelligent,

only to be blown out of the water by Nurse Judy and her tongue depressor.

Boy, this burns me up. I'd like to go door to door across this country and

America, I'm mad at you.

Well, there was a suggestion from a network VP.

Oh, great. It was only a suggestion.

And keep in mind that I'm only conveying it.

The network feels that maybe we could make some of our stories more

intellectually accessible to a broader spectrum of viewers.

Give them some T and A. Is that it?

Fine. Why don't I anchor the show in a tank top and bicycle pants?

Miles, I've been working for the past two weeks on a story about the homeless.

What do they want me to do? Find the lighter side?

Yeah. You can tell the network we're not a bunch of journalistic prostitutes.

They can take their story and stick it in the file with Hello Larry and Pam

Ewing's dream.

That's right.

I am so proud of you people.

Let's get busy.

We've got a show to put on.

But maybe next week you two can talk to Wardrobe about some off -the -shoulder

peasant blouses.

the old days, I'd order a double scotch rocks.

But it's a kinder, gentler America, so I'll just have a club soda and salt for

while.

Yeah, I heard you guys got slaughtered last night.

Something's really wrong, Phil. We did a great show, but America decided to

watch Jerry Gold make a mockery of the nursing profession.

Dad, I gotta tell you, I found it insulting to my dad.

Phil, you watched it? I had to, kid.

The customers took control of the TV.

Oh, Phil.

Personally, I found the whole thing revolting.

Hell, that one nurse looked like she has to have her uniform specially made.

And frankly, I don't understand how a woman like that can ever get an accurate

heart rate.

Hi, Jim.

You feeling as beat up as I am?

I feel like roadkill.

Hi, Murph.

Sorry I'm late, Jim. I got tied up on the story I'm working on.

So, hey, guys, what's new?

Frank, we got murdered in the ratings and you're working on a story about the

homeless. Cheer down, huh?

Listen, Murphy, sometimes you just gotta laugh because things are funny.

Like today.

Today was funny. Want to know what happened? I could use a good laugh.

Okay, who is the toughest person you know?

Name. The one person capable of enduring more pain than anyone.

Marilyn Quayle?

Right here.

Come on. I jump out of planes. I ride with Greenpeace. I've covered Belfast,

Beirut, Nicaragua. Face it, I make Ollie North look like a florist. Get on with

it, Frank. You smell like fish.

Okay, okay.

I'm working on this story about the homeless, right?

And I am just... Tired of dealing with government statisticians, the economic

theorists, the bureaucrats, so I took it to the street.

I went down along the northwest quadrant over near the State Department, sat

around with a few of the guys.

I met this character, General Custer.

He plays checkers on an imaginary board.

He said he beat me three games.

Then I met this guy named Ed.

He's about my age.

He's got a daughter, six or seven, Maureen.

Moe.

Big brown eyes, oh, about this tall.

They've got nothing.

Ed, he lost his wife, lost his job, so they're living in an abandoned car in

Ford. He said to me, if I ever needed a place to stay warm, I could use their

trunk.

I said, no thanks.

So I'm walking away, and all of a sudden,

I hear this little voice yell my name.

It's Mo.

She comes running after me.

And she says, Mr., I've been saving this, but you can have

it.

My dad says it's okay.

And she hands me 37 cents.

Cash.

You know how, you know, you're a journalist, right? A reporter, you get

kind of a shell, things don't get to you. Well, I walked all the way back

and all I could think about was how I have the power to show this to people.

And maybe if they know, they'll do something about it.

But here's the funny part.

Nobody is going to see this story.

They're going to be watching Jerry Gold!

Is that a killer or what?

Well... Look, uh...

You know, I'm sorry about lunch, Jim. I'm doing

editing.

We've got to do something, Jim.

We just can't let Jerry Gold roll over us again next week. I agree.

Maybe we should meet with the network.

Ask for more promotion.

Take some bigger newspaper ads.

Perhaps get out among the viewers more.

Oh, are we kidding? We're going to get creamed.

I hate this.

It really makes you want to fight fire with fire.

Doesn't it? Yes.

But we have to resist that feeling.

I know.

Although, we wouldn't really have to compromise our standards if it was just

one segment leading into France.

Right. Just one.

Something that would really get people to watch. And we would never do it

No, never again. Just the one time. The one time.

What do you think?

I think it might be all right.

If we only do it once. Yes, once. Just once. That's all. Right.

I heard about a woman in Detroit with three breasts.

Let's get on it.

I've been looking all over for you guys. Where have you been?

We were watching a tape of last week's Jerry Gold show.

Ah, how could you stand it? Corky, it was the most disgusting display of

-journalism I've ever seen, and I think we can outdo it.

I have an idea, Jim. The secret sex life of cable installers. What do you think?

Not bad.

How about this one? Devil worship in the Senate.

I like it.

You two are such jokers.

Although I wouldn't rule out the whole area of UFOs. And there's always Elvis.

Maybe we can combine them.

You guys are serious, aren't you?

My God, I can't be a part of this. I was a Miss America.

I had to see the credit. I didn't believe those were real nurses. They

Mercy General.

You know, my back's been acting up a lot lately.

It's not your back, Frank.

Now, come on, let's get cracking.

We've got only one chance to beat Gold at his own game. Don't forget what we're

up against.

Does anybody know what he's got scheduled?

The truth about penile implants.

Oh, man.

Hey, what about those nuns who mud wrestle for charity?

I lost them to Geraldo.

Fetishes? Yes.

Leather, shoe, silk.

Flannel.

I read about it somewhere.

Frank, I saw some of your film on the homeless.

Incredible work, and so moving, it can really have an impact.

Thanks, Miles.

Listen, guys, I've been thinking over this network suggestion thing, and I

you to know I'm behind you 150%.

Even though taking such a stand could cost me my job, I walked into that VP's

office and laid it on the line.

I said, FYI is a news organization of integrity.

We will not pander to the public's thirst for sensationalism.

Not now, not ever.

That's nice.

Jim, do you know anything about bestiality?

Excuse me?

Here's something.

Confessions of an undercover cop.

I dress like a woman and like it.

He carried a pair of .38s and a gun.

Thought we were finished pulling jokes on the new guy.

We've had a change of heart, Miles. We want people to see Frank's piece on the

homeless, and the only way to make that happen is to pull a stunt.

Do a segment that is so provocative, so sensational, that everyone will watch

and will knock Jerry Gold right on his astronomical ego.

Women who used to be men who used to be women.

With big breath.

Welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, Frank Fontana will bring you an important

on the homeless in America and what we can do about this national disgrace.

And later, Corky Sherwood constructs a fascinating profile of the man, the

the legend, Bert Parks.

But first, in a very special FYI segment, the flesh peddlers,

the sex merchants, the skin trade.

Does America want hookers on every street corner?

Murphy Brown takes a walk on the wild side.

Thank you, Jim.

Retail sex in America.

Prostitution. Should it be legalized? From either side of this political

my guests this evening are from Homemakers Against Gratuitous Sex and

Organization for American Rights.

Now then, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Jesse Fantuzzi.

Hooker's Organization for American Rights was founded over a decade ago by

and a handful of working women to lobby for legalized prostitution.

Today, HOAR boasts nearly 2 ,000 car -carrying members.

For you, how did it get started?

Well, in 1978, the social and political climate in this country was such that

one encountered far fewer breaches than civil liberties. And in that respect...

No, I mean, how did you get started as a hooker?

Well, I always loved sex, and it seemed like a damn good way to make a buck.

Rose Wilson, Homemakers Against Gratuitous Sex.

Organized in 1983, HAGS set out to... Homemakers will be fine.

All right.

Homemakers set out to combat what you have termed the growing decay of moral

values in America. Explain that for us.

Thank you, Murphy.

We believe America is the greatest country on the face of God's green

And we believe the American family is the backbone of this country's

piety, and strength.

And we love our children very much.

Shawnee Shane.

I'm sure these viewpoints come as no surprise to you.

Get a tighter shot on her breasts.

My pleasure.

Not that one, the hooker.

address the issues of social and or moral decay.

Even you, Shawnee, can't tell me that pornography and prostitution are

but hurtful to a society.

Well, a lot of society is willing to pay extra for hurtful.

Seriously, Murphy, we feel that the mores of society should never become so

restrictive. Tanya.

Tanya, you want to know what I'm hearing? I'm hearing a Ph .D. at the

of a civics class with a great big chip on her shoulder.

Now, let's get down to it. I want to know what you think about each other.

What's in your gut?

Phyllis Baker.

Well, I feel if this country is to preserve its freedom, that pornographers

exotic dancers and prostitutes should be... Uh -huh, go ahead.

Should be punished.

How, Phyllis?

Whether they should be locked up or shot.

Sounds like an interesting way to preserve freedom.

Jessie, how do you respond to that?

I think the woman needs to spend three days in a mountain cabin with a guy

Gyro Jerry.

I see.

In fact, they could all use a good diuretic in a public whipping.

Betty Barkish, how about it?

Is that what you need?

No, I don't need that.

But, you know, I do think that all of these young ladies would greatly benefit

by completing their high school education. You know, lack of education

country... Rose, talk to me. What are you feeling, Rose?

Oh, well, I feel Miss Fantuzzi is ill -informed and... Your

gut, Rose.

Well...

I think Miss Fantuzzi is an indecent person.

Rose, Rose, Rose, an indecent person.

That's your response.

Well, no, not entirely, but... Well, then, come on, what else?

Well, uh... You didn't drive all the way down here just to show off your new

dress. These are the people you're up against, right in front of you, face to

face. What did you want to tell them?

I just want you to know, seeing you in action last night made my blood run like

lava.

Carl, I don't feel like talking now. I just wanted to say, if you should

suddenly find yourself out of work, I'm here for you, babe.

We could get out of this lousy business altogether.

Buy us a big rig.

It'd be a damn good life, Murphy.

I'm sure I have your phone number on file, Carl. I'll call you later.

Oh,

Jim. Hello, Murphy.

Does it hurt as bad as it looks?

Yes.

And I deserve the pain.

Murphy, I feel so cheap.

That makes two of us.

Hi. Hi.

Look, I know it's not much of a consolation, but I really appreciated

tried to do.

Thanks, Frank.

I know that we had at least two viewers last night.

My parents called.

I owe him $45 ,000 for my education.

And my mother's going back to her maiden name.

Well, I hope you're all satisfied.

Perhaps I should share with you a little story about a young girl growing up on

a farm in Louisiana, dreaming about how one day she would find her place in this

world, make her mark.

And how she opened the TV guide one day while sitting in her hotel room in

Atlantic City, days before her crowning as the closest thing this country has to

an actual queen.

And she read an article about Murphy Brown.

And she said, that's what I want to be.

Well, I'll tell you something.

It was between Murphy Brown and Victoria Principal.

And it's painfully obvious that I made the wrong choice.

What's the rating?

Silverberg here.

Shoot.

Uh -huh.

San Francisco.

L .A.

Minneapolis.

Chicago.

New York.

Right. Thank you.

Looks like it's bad news.

major city by a seven point spread oh my god we we broke records a 47 chair

and we held them the whole hour jim jim my man have you ever seen a

47 chair in your life

Next week you're doing that story on Medicaid, right? Right.

Okay, so I'll do that thing on transsexual ballroom dancing.

Yes! We'll give it a real news story slant. We'll call it a cultural glitch,

sign of changing mores, a reflection of the society's evolution.

I mean, it's not like we're selling out. We're only going to do it a little each

week. Just enough to get people to watch our good stuff.

worked in this business 30 years i i never had ratings like this before well

sorry but it feels good this is what success is right people watching the

yeah people watching the show the way they slow down on the highway to see an

accident but we did what we set out to do we got what we want

didn't we