Original subtitles

Why do fools fall in love?

How are you today?

Just fine.

How about yourself?

Are you settling into this crazy place all right?

Just like you to ask. I really appreciate it.

As a matter of fact, Jim, I have a little something for you. It's just my

saying thanks and happy early Valentine's Day.

Oh, thank you, Leslie.

Quite thoughtful.

Frank, come on over. Leslie's bringing a little Valentine spirit to the office.

Frank loves chocolate. Oh, great. What have you got?

Actually, I only brought the one box for Jim.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm sure Leslie expected me to share.

I can't eat those hard centers sticking to my teeth.

Thanks.

Work to do.

You won't believe what just happened.

Jackie just broke up with Miles.

He's headed this way and he's really depressed about it. So be very careful

you say to him.

Especially you, Frank.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, Miles!

You brave little soldier.

Try not to let this nightmare destroy your self -esteem.

Do you have any hobbies?

Hey, Miles, I'm really sorry about what happened. If you ever want to talk, you

know I'm here.

Same goes for me.

Good luck.

I'll never meet anyone like Jackie.

We used to talk about buying a little farm in Virginia.

Maybe raising chickens.

What world was I living in?

Come on, Miles. I know it's tough, but you can't give up.

It's never easy for any of us to meet women.

Frank, I have a friend named Meg. She's got the hots for you. Here's her phone

number.

Good morning, Leslie.

Hi. Message is on your desk, and I confirmed your lunch date. Great.

Thanks.

I love your style.

Hit and run. What's going on here?

It's called dating, Frank.

Call the woman, don't call the woman. Just leave me out of it. Well, why can't

she get her own dates? What is she, one of those passive -aggressive, victimized

women who hate men?

They know her by name at the free clinic? What?

You know, Frank, it amazes me that you ever date at all. Not that I care.

It's just that I find it fascinating that you have time to date any woman

in this country on a temporary visa, but when you have a shot at a quality

relationship... What are you trying to say? You're trying to say that I have a

fear of commitment?

I have been dealing with that in therapy for the past three years.

Three years with the same shrink. If that isn't commitment, I don't know what

is.

You're right, Frank. Your life is perfect. A lot of happy men I know spend

Saturday nights deciding what to wear to work on Monday.

Let me ask you something. How would you feel if I tried to fix you up with

somebody you'd never met?

I'd be flattered you thought of me, and I'd trust your taste.

Okay, then I've got a great idea. I'll go out with your friend if you go out

with one of mine. We'll double.

Oh, sure.

The last time I went out on a fix -up was in 1978 with the Assistant Secretary

of Agriculture.

He spent the entire evening telling me how to make a compost heap.

Oh, this is good. It's okay for you to fix me up when the shoe's on the other

foot. Wow.

Miles, I'm not abandoning you. I just have to help Murphy for a minute.

I think you should listen to Frank.

We women have only so many years we can play hard to get.

Time's up, Murphy.

Go on.

to live out the rest of her years alone and safe than to feel like a piece of

disgusting garbage rotting in the gutter.

Come on, Murph.

I'm willing to risk it.

What's this pal's name? All right. I'm going to make some calls.

There are a couple of very good possibilities.

I'll keep you posted.

Frank, not the guy whose underwear sticks out of his pants.

I have something for you.

You do?

I thought in the store and I thought of you.

Oh, thank you.

Brass paperweight.

I can't wait to use it.

Would you like to go out for drinks one night after work?

Yes. Perhaps.

Won't you excuse me?

Hello, Murphy.

Hi, Jim. How's it going?

Leslie wants me, and I like it.

Oh, gee, Jim, I don't know what to say. She knows I'm married, and she's still

coming on to me, Murphy.

Small gifts, flirtatious looks in the hallway, and then the next thing I know,

I'm in the Xerox room running off 50 copies of my hand in hopes of a chance

meeting.

Don't you have a family priest or someone?

I'm sorry.

This was a mistake. I should never have opened up.

Let's chat about sports while I regain my dignity.

You're only human.

Flirting's okay. It doesn't have to go anywhere. But if it makes you

uncomfortable, tell her face to face it's got to stop. Ah, yes.

Do the right thing. I always do the right thing, don't I?

Hi. And the part left over is where butter comes from. Just leaving, Frank.

Goodbye.

So, we're all set.

I called one of my friends. I don't want to jinx this or anything, but I think

you're going to really like this guy.

I know him from the club where I play sax on weekends. He plays bass.

Really? What's his name? Richie.

Richie. A grown man named Richie? What is that, Frank? Tell me more about Meg.

What does she do? She's a lobbyist. Great. She has passion.

Favorite movie?

Murmur of the Heart.

Mine, too.

Okay. Now I'm going to ask the biggie.

Her parents are dead.

I'm in love!

Okay.

My turn.

This Richie character, where is he from?

I don't know. What's he do? I'm not sure.

How long have you known him? A week. I'm not going, Frank.

Come on!

Richie is a great guy. Besides, aren't you always talking about how you'd like

to date a regular guy for a change?

Okay, you're right. What am I so worried about?

It's just one night. It could be fun.

Great. Just don't say he looks like Don Knotts. He hates that.

Just kidding.

Nice sweater. Thanks.

Almost seven. Yeah, I guess I'll be here soon.

Yeah. Nervous? Nah. You?

Nah.

You know, Frank, I was thinking we should probably have a code phrase in

either one of us doesn't hit it off with our date and we want to call it short.

What'd you have in mind?

If I won out, I'll say I hate my dry cleaner.

Okay, I'll say I got ripped off on my new steel -belted radio.

But you know, I've got kind of a good feeling about this.

My closest friend, who knows me better than anyone, is fixing me up for the

first time.

This could be important, Murph. It could turn into something. I mean, maybe Meg

is the one.

Or maybe it's just a date, Frank.

Maybe there's no significance to it at all. except it's the way for four good

friends to spend the evening together and there's no pressure on me to provide

you with a mate for life. Why did I do this?

Meg, hi.

Richie, hi.

Hi, Murphy.

Hi, Frank.

Meg, this is Frank. Frank, Meg.

Uh, Richie, this is Murphy. Murphy, Richie. Hi, Frank.

Hi, Meg. Hi, Murphy. Hi, Richie.

So...

Murphy's told me a lot about you.

You liked foreign films. Tell me, have you ever been to that little theater

in Georgetown?

Well, Frank's told me nothing about you, except you play the bass.

Good. Nothing to live up to.

Or live down.

I'm going to get this right out of the way up front.

I'm not good at blind dates, so I wrote this history of myself.

It's the Reader's Digest version.

This way, if you don't want to be out with a guy whose hobbies are

swimming and metalurgy, you'll know right up front.

Pet peeves.

Lima beans and people who don't pull forward in gas stations.

We have a lot in common.

Where do you stand on gelato?

So, Murph, Ritchie, you two ready to go?

Go? Oh, right.

Sure. Let's go.

You know, Frank, I found a wonderful dry cleaner.

I got a great deal on my new steel -belted radials.

I really like the first cut on that new Chick Corea elf.

My dentist says I need a root canal.

Hey there, Murphy.

Hey, Bill.

Frank. Hi, Bill.

Looks like you really went all out for Valentine's Day, huh?

Well, it's always been sort of a special day to me.

It's Phyllis and my wedding anniversary.

41 years.

Gee, Phil, shouldn't you be with her?

Oh, we have this little tradition we like to follow.

She'll call me in a few minutes.

Her name will be Rita.

Something's wrong with her furnace and her husband's out of town.

I'm Hank.

I come over with my little tool kit only to find her scantily clad. Phil, that's

okay. We get the idea.

41 years is a hell of a long time.

You gotta do something.

I think you're gonna like this place. They have got great burgers.

I love a good burger, don't you?

I haven't eaten meat in three years.

I'm going to the ladies' room. Would you care to join me, Meg?

Yes, I would. Would you excuse us?

Jim, hi.

Leslie, hi.

Hello, Murphy.

We're going to the ladies' room.

What do you mean? It's a no. He's nothing like I expected. What are you

about? You've only known him five minutes. How could you already not like

Did you see his shoes?

Of course. What was I thinking? How could I have set you up without showing

a picture of his shoe rack?

Murphy, you know what I'm talking about. It's the... Little things that can

drive you crazy.

Like how his ears are redder than the rest of his head.

The way he laughs after every sentence. Now, I could never live with that laugh.

I hate this, and it's not fair.

You begged me. I didn't beg you. You begged me.

Now, he's a good guy, and I can tell he really likes you. I want you to give him

a chance.

Okay, okay.

I will.

Thank you.

What's another evening of pain?

I've had so much in my life already.

That's the attitude.

Hi.

We're back.

I guess you can see that.

So, Richie, you're a high school music teacher. Tell me about that.

Actually, it's kind of a funny story how I got into teaching.

I'd like to hear it. And Meg, maybe you could tell Frank about that book you

just read.

Huh? I read Wings to the Sun.

Fascinating thesis on group behavior.

Gee, I don't know.

I thought it was pretty pessimistic. You must have misread it. It's a realistic

account of life in the 80s. I didn't see anything realistic about it. You know,

I forgot to mention that Frank is a great cook. Frank, tell Meg what

that time with your pasta maker. This is hilarious.

I mean, if you want realism, you should read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Now, that is one terrific book. I have to disagree. It's the most overrated

novel of the century.

Uh, Meg, it's not the most overrated.

You're kidding, aren't you? I mean, the powerful concept that everything in life

doesn't have to be ordered?

Well, it's like jazz.

You like jazz? He loves jazz.

I hate jazz.

Well, you just haven't heard it played right.

Frank plays the saxophone, and he is really good. I mean, really good. I

I'll go to the men's room.

Want to come, Frank?

No. Oh, come on.

I don't have to. Just come on, will you?

Hi, Jim.

Hi, Leslie.

Hello, Frank.

Well, ma 'am.

How long is your husband going to be out of town?

What are we doing in here? We need to talk.

I didn't know where else to do it.

Besides, women always go to the bathroom to talk. Why can't we?

When I want to talk to a guy, I don't go in the bathroom.

I go outside, throw a baseball around.

Sorry, I didn't bring my glove.

Okay, just hurry. What?

She hates me, Frank.

She's spending the whole evening talking about you.

Get out. She's crazy about you. I think she's just trying to cover for Meg.

Do you believe that woman? She's got an opinion on everything.

No wonder she's a lobbyist. I'd sign anything just to get her to shut up.

Will you forget about you? Give me some advice. How do I get it going out there?

Don't worry about it. I'll say something to Murphy. No, then she'll think I said

something to you. No, she won't. Women know guys never talk in the bathroom.

Should we go back out?

No, I think it's a little too soon.

What should we do?

Let's wash our hands and count to 50.

I am not too much of a perfectionist. I'm just choosy.

You should talk.

Poor Richie. What are you talking about? I like Richie. It would be nice if we

had one minute together so I could find out his last name.

Hi, Murphy.

I hope we're not interrupting anything.

But we just need a little bit of your time.

Oh, hello, Corky Sherwood. Meg Reynolds.

And this is Miles Silverberg.

Miles wants to call Jackie.

Don't you think that would be a huge mistake?

Corky, I don't think we should be bothering them.

Oh, God. I feel like there's a hot knife sticking in my heart.

Oh, hi, Frank.

Hi, Corky.

Hi, Miles.

We're on a date.

I know. We're not dating.

Murphy. Can I talk to you a minute?

It's about work.

What can I say? A reported day never ends.

Be right back.

What is it, Frank? Look, Murph, I don't want to criticize, but I think you

should spend a little less time jumping into my conversations with Meg and a

little more time talking to Richie.

Frank, I'm going to level with you.

It might not be going well between Meg and you.

Wow, what a bulletin.

I suppose what I'm trying to tell you, Leslie, is that while your fascination

with me has moved me more than you know, if we go any further than this, I

wouldn't be able to live with myself.

But there's no reason in this whole darn world why we can't be friends.

Ah, I see.

You want to be friends.

After you eat my chocolates, accept my gifts, torment me day in and

day out with the unspoken promise of a passion so intense that our flesh can

barely contain it.

I've got news for you, Mr. Office Gigolo.

Somebody is finally saying no to your twisted little sexual game.

Have you ever read Neurosis and Human Growth by Karen Horney?

It's really an incredible book.

Excuse me, everybody.

Corky, I think this is my chair.

Murphy, can I talk to you for a minute? No.

Come on.

I know what you're going to say. It's okay.

You don't like Frank. He doesn't like you either. And this is why I said from

the very beginning... I want you to set me up with Miles.

Miles? What are you talking about? He's ten years younger than you.

The what?

Don't you think he's got the cutest little rear end?

Look at his rear end. Come on. You work side by side with him every day and you

never notice what a sexy little guy he is?

Is there something in the water here?

I can't take any more of this.

Everybody, I have an announcement to make.

There are too many people on my date.

Miles, this isn't a love boat. Snap out of it.

Oh, don't worry about me. Maybe I'll just interrupt the game of dark with my

faith.

Meg, Frank, work it out between yourselves. Get married and have 40

each other in the parking lot. I'm out of it.

I'm sorry, Frank. I guess this isn't going to work out. I think this is where

say someday we'll look back on all this and laugh.

I hate your laugh.

Miles, are you hungry?

What? Hungry. She asked you if you were hungry.

I know a great little Italian restaurant over on M Street. Would you care to

join me?

What? Join her. Say yes.

Yes. Great.

Let's go.

Richie, would you like to go somewhere just you and me?

Fun and laugh.

Murphy, I don't think this was meant to be.

Frank warned me up front that he had to rope you into this date.

No, he didn't. Not that much.

Really, I don't mind if you just want to take a night.

I'll just finish my conversation with Corky.

That's all right with you.

No. Good night, Frank.

Bye, Murphy.

Can you believe how this all worked out?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Took about an hour's worth of planning to set up the date. Another half hour to

decide what to wear. Special trip to the cleaners.

Wear my lucky bra.

15 minutes.

Frank, why do you keep looking over the top of my hair?

Go.

Thanks, Murph.

Excuse me.

You're Murphy Brown, aren't you?

Yes. Yes, I am. I thought so.

I had a bet with my girlfriend.

You told me Stephanie was your sister!

Because I think of Stephanie like a sister. Anyone who keeps photos like

their sister is a sick mind!

You know, Felicia, you've got a real jealousy problem.

I do not!

Excuse me, what's going on here?

Who's she?

Murphy...

Somebody? I can't think when I'm upset.

Murphy Brown, this is my house. Oh, you're the one.

So listen, snowflake.

How come you're always finding little tasks to keep Elgin coming over here? I

don't mean to be rude, but this hasn't been my best day. If this is how you

to spend Valentine's Day, go somewhere else.

I know I had other plans.

So did I.

I hate it when we fight.

Especially on St.

Valentine's Day.

Baby, I pour turpentine in my eyes before I ever look at another woman

God, you look great in overalls.