Original subtitles

.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TRIMARK PICTURES

[MUSIC PLAYING]

* TIE A YELLOW RIBBON AROUND THE OAK TREE *

* BA BA DUM DUM...

THIS IS GREAT, THIS IS TIGHT, BABY.

THIS IS A TIGHT SONG.

UH-UH.

YOU AIN'T FEELING IT.

I COULD JUST FLIP THE TRACK.

FLIP IT TO LIKE THE 90s VERSION, LIKE

* TIE IT UP, TIE IT UP

* YELLOW RIBBON, TIE IT UP, UH *

UH!

YOU SPENT $5,000 FOR THIS CAR

AND YOU DON'T EVEN CHECK TO SEE IF THE RADIO WORKS?

COME ON, GIRL, YOU GOTTA REALIZE

FOR ONE, THIS IS NOT A CD PLAYER, OK?

THIS IS NOT A CD PLAYER, YOU CAN'T BE BANGING IT LIKE THAT.

THIS IS HISTORY, THIS IS ORIGINAL EQUIPMENT,

IT'S AN 8-TRACK TAPE.

WELL, I'M GONNA DESTROY SOME ORIGINAL DAMN EQUIPMENT

IN ABOUT TWO MINUTES.

THERE YOU GO.

EVERY TIME SOMETHING SETS YOU OFF,

YOU WANNA GO SWINGING AT THE DING-A-LING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WOMEN WANT TO DO THAT.

ALWAYS DING-A-LINGS SWINGING.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

YOU CAN SWING MY DING-A-LING BACK TO CHICAGO.

OH GOD...

YOU GETTING SICK?

YEAH.

UH, LOOK, AIM IT OUT THIS TIME.

MICHAEL, STOP IT.

YOU CARE MORE ABOUT THIS CAR THAN YOU DO ABOUT ME.

NO I DO NOT.

YES YOU DO. COME ON.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, GIRL.

IT'S JUST THAT IT COSTS A LOT OF MONEY TO GET THESE SEATS CLEANED

AND I HAVEN'T EVEN SPENT ONE NIGHT WITH THE CAR YET.

OOH...

YOU GETTING SICK?

HONEY?

YOU'RE GETTING SICK, HUH?

OUT, OUT, OUT, AIM OUT.

NO, HONEY, I DON'T HAVE TO THROW UP.

WHAT YOU GOTTA DO?

I GOTTA...

MMMMM....

IN, IN, HOLD IT IN.

DRIVE FASTER, I'VE GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!

I'M DRIVING. HONEY, DRIVE FAST!

I'M GOING.

I'M GONNA TURN THE MUSIC UP SO YOU DON'T FEEL IT.

OK.

* TIE A YELLOW RIBBON

I GOTTA GO!

TIE A YELLOW RIBBON AROUND YOUR ASS.

OK, BABY.

* TIE A RIBBON AROUND THE OLD OAK TREE *

Man: BALL 3!

Announcer: HE TAKES BALL 3.

PHOENIX IS UP BY ONE IN THE FIRST INNING

OF THIS STATE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

THE WINNER GOES ON TO THE NATIONALS.

ALL RIGHT, PETE. THIS IS THE PITCH.

NO PRESSURE, BABE. NO PRESSURE.

GOOD EYE, GOOD EYE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DROP A QUARTER IN THIS CAROUSEL.

[CAR ALARM]

STRIKE THREE! YOU'RE OUT!

Announcer: EVERYONE, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR SEATS WHILE THE OFFICIALS SORT THIS OUT.

HUH?

OH, YOU MUST BE SMOKING.

HEY, HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MY--

CHILDREN OF THE CORN...

YOU STRUCK OUT MY HITTER WITH 3 MEN ON BASE.

STRUCK OUT YOUR HITTER?

OH, YOU TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE GAME.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, MY BAD.

MICHAEL!

YEAH?

I HOPE SHE DON'T THINK THAT'S A JOHN.

THAT FILLED UP LAST SEASON.

EWWW...

HONEY!

OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH..

HI, LOOK, I'M SORRY FOR WHATEVER HE DID.

I DID?

BUT COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I COULD FIND A BATHROOM?

WELL, MOST BUSINESSES AROUND HERE ARE CLOSED DOWN

BECAUSE OF OUR LITTLE GAME.

BUT YOU MIGHT TRY THE ZIP.

TWO MILES OUT ON MAIN.

OK, HONEY, COME ON, GOTTA GO.

YEAH, I'M COMING. JUST HOLD ON.

I GOT SOME MAN STUFF I GOT TO DISCUSS--

PLAY BALL!

HONEY I GOTTA GO.

I GOT TO DO SOME MAN STUFF.

DOGGONE!

[ENGINE STARTS]

HEY, HOLD ON A SECOND.

MY DAMAGES AND EVERYTHING.

LET'S GO PLAY SOME DEFENSE.

WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, TINY?

[CAR HORN]

RAE!

RAE! RAE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WAIT, WAIT OH!

[RADIO PLAYING]

SEE? IT WORKS.

THERE JUST WEREN'T ANY RADIO STATIONS IN THE DESERT.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

GO, GO, GO, GO.

I SEE SOMETHING PEEKING.

YOU DROPPED SOMETHING.

LET YOUR BAG OF TOOLS GO, GIRL

HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

I-I-I'M SAYING THE PRICES ARE HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

I WASN'T REFERRING TO YOU GUYS

THAT Y'ALL WERE ROBBERS OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I'M SURE Y'ALL NICE CHRISTIAN FOLK.

Man on intercom: IS THAT THE CAR McCANN HAD FOR SALE DOWN IN PHOENIX?

UH, YEAH, YEAH IT IS.

UH, YOU KNOW YOUR PUMP IS BROKE.

WHAT'D YOU DO TO IT?

I DIDN'T DO NOTHING TO IT.

IT WAS WORKING FINE BEFORE YOU GOT HERE.

YEAH, WELL, NOW THAT I'M HERE IT AIN'T--

FORGOT TO LIFT THE HANDLE, DIDN'T YOU? HA HA...

HA HA, YOU FORGOT TO KISS MY BLACK ASS.

YEAH, WELL, LOOKS LIKE THAT STUDEBAKER'S STILL GOT THAT WIRING PROBLEM.

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A NOSY AS HELL PROBLEM.

[CAR ALARM]

I'M AMAZED THAT OLD CAR RUNS AT ALL WITH ALL THAT ELECTRONIC JUNK McCANN STUCK ON IT.

I'M AMAZED SOMEBODY AIN'T RAN IN THERE AND KICKED YOUR ASS

WITH ALL THAT TRASH YOU'RE TALKING.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T PAY THE FULL 18 THOU HE WAS ASKING FOR.

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.

[ALARM STOPS]

$18,000?

HUH?

YOU TOLD ME WE PAID 5.

IS THAT WHAT I SAID?

YES!

I TALKED HIM DOWN.

YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE GOOD,

BUT YOU AIN'T THAT GOOD.

NOW LET ME SEE THE CHECKBOOK.

OH, YEAH, WELL THE CHECKBOOK IS RIGHT--

RIGHT IN, RIGHT IN YOUR HAND.

YOU GOT IT IN YOUR HAND.

I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU COULD SEE.

IT WAS KIND OF DARK WHEN THE TRANSACTION WENT DOWN.

OH, MY GOD.

MICHAEL!

RAE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

$15,000?

BUT IT'S A '57 GOLDENHAWK CLASSIC.

HONEY, THAT WAS OUR HOUSE MONEY!

DID I TELL YOU IT WAS SUPERCHARGED?

MICHAEL, YOU LIED TO ME.

OH, COME ON, YOU'RE GETTING ALL EMOTIONAL.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE YOU'RE IN A SOAP OPERA.

IS IT YOUR TIME OF THE MONTH?

WHAT?

IS THAT WHAT'S GOING ON?

I MEAN, 'CAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLOATED LOOKING.

LITTLE KANGAROO PATCH, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, I SHOULD WHUP YOUR ASS.

EXCUSE ME?

RAE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THESE PEOPLE COULD BE DANGEROUS.

OH, YOU BACK OFF! I CAN BE DANGEROUS.

HI, I NEED TO GET TO AN AIRPORT.

WE AREN'T TAKING SIDES.

AIRPORT? COME ON, RAE.

AN AIRPORT? THAT'S CRAZY.

OH, YOU AIN'T SEEN CRAZY YET, EITHER.

Man on intercom: YOU'RE LOOKING FOR AN AIRPORT?

YEAH.

YEAH, ACTUALLY, HI, I AM.

YEAH, I TOLD YOU ONCE TO STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.

Man on intercom: LAS VEGAS IS JUST A SHORT DRIVE AROUND THE CANYON.

OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

AFTER ALL THAT I'VE DONE.

TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A NICE LITTLE VACATION.

AND THIS IS THE WAY YOU ACT?

YOU CALL THIS A NICE VACATION?

AND NOW WE'RE SPENDING THE REST OF OUR TIME DRIVING BACK TO CHICAGO

TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE THAT WE SUDDENLY CAN'T AFFORD?

Man on intercom: THAT MONEY WAS FOR A HOUSE?

YES! CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM?

AND HE BOUGHT THIS STUPID PIECE OF SHIT BATMOBILE.

YOU KNOW, I-I'M OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S IT.

RAE--IT'S NOT A BATMOBILE, BRO.

RAE, WHERE YOU GOING?

AWAY FROM YOU.

LOOK, DON'T MAKE ME CALL OUT YOUR NAME, GIRL.

I WISH YOU WOULD.

I'LL CALL OUT YOUR NAME.

I'M GONNA CALL OUT YOUR NAME.

MMM-HMMM.

I'LL CUSS YOU.

GIMMIE THIS BAG!

GIMMIE! YOU BETTER!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE GETTING,

YOU'RE GETTING STRONG.

YOU AIN'T GOTTA TAKE IT OUT ON THE CAR, EITHER.

HEY! DON'T DISRESPECT ME, WOMAN.

HONOR THINE BOYFRIEND,

LIKE IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE.

THERE'S A FLIGHT TO CHICAGO LEAVING VEGAS AIRPORT TONIGHT AT 6:00.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T TAKING SIDES.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD BE SO EASY.

Man on intercom: MICHAEL, SPENDING THAT MONEY VIOLATED A TRUST, A BOND.

I'M GONNA SNATCH SOME WIRES OUT YOUR ASS.

Man: WE'RE HEADED THAT WAY, MA'AM.

AND YOU'RE SURE WELCOME TO RIDE WITH US.

AS LONG AS YOU DON'T MIND RIDING IN THE BACK WITH THE BOYS.

THE BOYS?

OH, MAN.

HOWDY. HI.

THEY DON'T WANT YOU, RAE.

THEY GOT SPURS THAT JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE.

THEY GOT ROPES AND NO STEERS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

LOOK, RAE, LISTEN.

LISTEN, COME ON, NOW BLACK PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS KIND OF STUFF.

ALL RIGHT, MOUNTAIN CLIMBING,

GETTING LOST IN THE FOREST

AND TAKING RIDES WITH PEOPLE WE DON'T KNOW.

WE DON'T DO THAT.

SO LET'S JUST CHILL, OK?

GOOD-BYE, MICHAEL.

I'M LEAVING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE LEAVING?

I CAN'T DO THIS.

YOU CAN'T DO WHAT?

I CAN'T BE WITH YOU ANYMORE, MICHAEL.

YOU ARE REALLY TRIPPING.

OH, NOW YOU'RE GONNA GIVE THE RING BACK.

OK, COME ON.

WELL, I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON THE RING.

NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, RAE. LOOK--

I MAY NOT BE AN EXPERT, MICHAEL, BUT WOMEN LIKE TO FEEL IMPORTANT.

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, LIKE SENDING THEM FLOWERS FOR NO REASON,

OR LEAVING LITTLE NOTES IN THEIR SOCK DRAWERS.

UNCLE FESTER, IF YOU DON'T GET UP OUT OF HERE--

OK, LOOK, RAE, YOU DONE HAD YOUR LITTLE FUN,

YOU AND THE BEVERLY HILLBUDDIES AND EVERYTHING,

BUT I'M GONNA COUNT TO 3

AND I WANT YOU TO GET YOUR NARROW TAIL OFF OF THIS TRUCK.

ONE...

TWO...

I'M AT TWO, RAE.

THIS IS TWO.

OK, WELL, GO ON THEN.

I DON'T NEED YOU.

I'M JUST PLAYING, RAE.

RAE, I'M PLAYING.

WHAT ABOUT MY RING?

I'LL FED EX IT TO YOU!

AND DON'T TRY TO CALL MY MAMA'S HOUSE.

GIRL, YOUR MOTHER LOVES ME.

WHAT?

I'LL CALL IF I WANT TO.

WHAT THE HELL?

OH!

Man: TOUGH BREAK, MAN.

HUH?

PRETTY STUPID TO LOCK YOUR KEYS IN LIKE THAT.

WASN'T STUPID, MAN.

I WAS JUST IN A HURRY.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL, THIS IS A CLASSIC CAR.

DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I CAN OPEN IT, YOU KNOW.

YOU CAN?

50 BUCKS.

50 BUCKS, PARTNER, WHO YOU TRYING TO FOOL, MAN?

$50 AND I CAN GET IN HERE MYSELF.

HEY, I HEARD SOME OF THEM COWBOYS SAY

YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAD A CUTE BUTT.

IS THAT WHAT THEY SAID?

MMM-HMMM.

IT WAS THE TALL ONE, WASN'T IT?

KICK HIS ASS.

LOOK, ALL RIGHT, THIS IS 50.

IT'S ALL I'VE GOT.

BUT YOU GET IT AFTER YOU GET IN HERE, OK?

YOU OPEN IT, THE MONEY'S YOURS.

LET'S GO.

WELL, I'M GOING TO NEED A HANGER.

I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT A HANGER.

OK, I'M GOING TO RUN IN AND GRAB YOU A HANGER

AND A WET NAP TO GET YOUR SLUSH PUPPY-NESS OFF MY RIDE.

FOR 50 BUCK, YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR OWN HANGER.

Man on intercom: * BEAUTIFUL DREAMER...

YES!

* STARLIGHT A BOO BOO...

UH, EXCUSE ME, BING, DO YOU WORK HERE?

NO, I JUST LIKE WEARING PLAID.

OK, LOOK, I NEED TO GET A HANGER FROM YOU.

AND I NEED $14.75 FOR THE GAS.

LOOK, I'M IN A HURRY, THIS IS ALL I GOT.

BETTER GET SOMETHING ELSE THEN.

ALL RIGHT, $14.75 FOR THE GAS, $35.25 FOR A HANGER.

YOU DON'T NEED A HANGER.

NO, I DO NEED A HANGER.

LOOK, IF YOU WAS IN MY BUSINESS LIKE YOU WERE EARLIER,

YOU'D UNDERSTAND THE LITTLE MAN OUT THERE

CAN'T GET INTO MY CAR WITHOUT A HANGER.

YOU WANT TO BET THAT 50 BUCKS?

I WILL DOUBLE DOWN ON THE 50 BUCKS.

AND THE PLAID SHIRT.

HEY! HEY! GET OUT OF MY RIDE!

OH, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR LITTLE ASS!

YOUR LITTLE ASS IS KICKED!

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

DAMN!

* BEAUTIFUL DREAMER WAKE UNTO ME *

* STARLIGHT AND DREAMLIGHT...

I NEED A PHONE.

SHERIFF'S NUMBER'S ON THE SIDE.

I NEED TO GET A QUARTER FROM YOU, BOSS.

[CASH REGISTER DOOR]

I AIN'T GOT NO QUARTERS.

WHAT KIND OF A STORE AIN'T GOT NO QUARTERS?

HEY, LOOK HERE, PARTNER,

WHAT DO I GOT TO DO TO GET A QUARTER AROUND HERE?

I KNOW WHERE YOU CAN MAKE A QUICK 100 IF YOU LIKE WEARING TIGHTS.

COME ON, MAN.

I AM IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

WHAT YOU NEED, OPIE?

ARE YOU PUFF DADDY?

DO I LOOK LIKE PUFF DADDY TO YOU?

UM, YOU GOT A QUARTER?

UH-HUH.

I AM PUFF DADDY.

IT'S AMAZING HOW YOU SAW THROUGH MY DISGUISE.

LOOK, I NEED TO MAKE A CALL 'CAUSE I GOT TO CALL MY RECORD COMPANY

AND CHECK ON MY--

YOU KNOW THEY'RE GOING BACK TO 8-TRACKS?

DO YOU RAP?

YEAH.

YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU COULD BE 2 SHORT.

JOSE!

YOU KNOW, VANILLA 2 SHORT.

[TELEPHONE]

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

Michael: I NEED TO REPORT A STOLEN CAR.

OH, BUMMER. SHERIFF'S NOT HERE,

HE'S AT THE BASEBALL GAME.

DAMN, WHY DON'T THAT SURPRISE ME?

I CAN HAVE RICK DROP BY.

OK, YOU CAN HAVE RICK DROP BY?

DOES RICK HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT?

DOES HE CARRY A GUN, A BADGE, OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?

HE'S THE DEPUTY.

COOL. SEND RICK ON OVER HERE THEN.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M AT THE UH,

THE PIZ AND PIZ.

NO, I'M SORRY, THE SIP AND ZIP.

WHEN YOU SEE HIM, TELL HIM WILMA SAYS HEY.

OK, I'LL TELL HIM YOU SAID HEY.

YOU WANT ME TO PICK UP SOME HIS AND HER T-SHIRTS, TOO?

NAH, JUST HEY. BYE.

ALL RIGHT, HEY, HEY, DON'T YOU NEED TO KNOW MY NAME?

DUH, FIGURE YOU'LL BE THE ONE WITHOUT THE CAR.

OK, ALSO I HAVE ON A--HELLO?

YEAH, WELL, THEY SAID THEY'RE GONNA SEND SOMEBODY NAMED RICK OVER.

THIS IS COOL.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT 50 BUCKS,

MINUS THE $14.75 FOR GAS.

AND HIS QUARTER.

OK, I GOT $35.

AND I GOT 6 HOURS TO MAKE IT TO THE AIRPORT.

JOSE'S DAUGHTER'S TAKING A LOAD OF GRAPEFRUIT TO THE AIRPORT.

SHE COULD TAKE YOU.

CAN SHE GET ME THERE BY 6:00?

ANTES DE LA SEIS?

NO ES PROBLEMA.

OH, MAN, TELL HIM, I'LL TELL HIM.

THANK YOU MAN, YOU'VE SAVED MY LIFE-AY.

UH, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOUR-EZ.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

HE SAYS THE $35 WOULD BE NICE.

THE $35.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL GIVE HER HALF WHEN SHE GETS HERE,

I'LL GIVE HER THE OTHER HALF-AY WHEN WE GET TO THE AIRPORT-O.

MEDIO DE MEDIO.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

TACO BUENO.

HE SAYS OK,

EXCEPT YOU LOOK LIKE THE GUY WHO STOLE HIS STEREO.

BUT I'VE NEVER MET YOU.

COME ON WITH THE JOKES.

HE DON'T NEED TO STEAL ANYTHING.

HE'S PUFFY.

THAT'S RIGHT. I DON'T NEED TO STEAL.

I'M PUFFY.

GIVE IT TO ME BRO. YOU GOT MY BACK.

WE BAD.

EVERYTHING GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS,

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I LIKE TO MAKE A LIGHT HOLLANDAISE SAUCE WITH A SALMON FRAPPE.

SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH, HELL, I'M STARVING.

Boy: FLAP, FLAP, FLAP!

NO! TO THE RIGHT!

MAN, YOU SUCK.

IT'S A STUPID GAME ANYWAY.

GO TO COLLEGE.

UH, MR. DADDY?

YEAH?

CAN YOU SIGN MY HAT?

UH...

YOU WANT PUFF DADDY'S AUTOGRAPH, HUH?

YEAH!

UH, WELL, YEAH, WH-WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

RUSTY.

TO RU--WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S TOO SOFT.

YOU GOT TO BE, "TO BUSTIN' RUSTY," HUH?

UH, "RECOGNIZE."

UM, "HUGS AND KISSES, PUFFY."

THERE.

OH, THIS IS DOPE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, YOU GOT TO PUT THE HAT RIGHT.

SEE, YOU GOT TO PUT IT LIKE THAT.

NOW YOU'RE SUAVE, SEE?

GET YOUR SHIRT RIGHT.

WHAT ARE THESE, GAUCHOS?

LET YOUR GAUCHOS HANG.

NOW YOU CAN HANG WITH THE HOMEBOYS.

IN DA HOOD?

IN THE WHAT?

IN DA HOOD.

YEAH, WHERE ELSE WOULD YOU BE?

OF COURSE YOU'D BE IN THE HOOD.

ARE YOU A WARRIOR?

YEAH. ARE YOU DOWN?

YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

YOU GOT TO BE A WARRIOR TO HANG OUT WITH PUFFY.

[BANG]

GET DOWN, THEY'RE SHOOTING.

I DIDN'T WANT THIS FOR YOU.

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU BLEEDING?

AFTERNOON, JACK.

HELLO, MARY.

Boy: YOU BUSTIN' A MOVE ON ME, PUFFY?

YEAH, UH, THAT'S JUST A LITTLE REFLEX.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA BE READY WHEN YOU'RE IN THE STREETS.

WOW.

YOU EVER KILL ANYBODY?

UH, UH, YEAH, I PROBABLY HAVE.

BUT I DIDN'T STICK AROUND TO SEE.

YOU KNOW, I'M JUST TOUGH LIKE THAT.

Mary: ARE THESE DONUTS FRESH, JACK?

Jack: FRESH AS USUAL.

HMM.

ARE YOU HER?

WHAT?

THE LADY WITH THE MELONS?

WHAT?

THE LADY WITH THE GRAPEFRUITS.

ARE YOU HER?

HELLO?

YOU AIN'T HER.

¿QUE PASA, CABRON?

Michael: THAT WAS QUICK.

THANKS, JACKIE.

MAYBE I CAN RETURN THE FAVOR ONE DAY.

* BEAUTIFUL DREAMER...

MY BAD.

HEY, YOU LOOKING FOR ME?

WHAT?

HOW YOU DOING?

YEAH, I SAW THE CRATE ON THE BACK,

SO I FIGURED YOU HAD TO BE HER.

WHAT? YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CRATE?

YEAH, WELL HE MENTIONED A CRATE.

Jack: WHIPPED CREAM,

DOG FOOD, DOUCHE?

YOU SURE YOU WANT THE SPRING-SCENTED DOUCHE?

THEY SAY FRESH AND NATURAL BEATS IT ALL TO HELL.

THIS IS WHAT I SAT ON THE FRIGGIN' COUNTER,

SO THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

YOU GOT IT.

Michael: SO I'LL GIVE YOU HALF OF IT NOW

AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE REST OF IT LATER.

HEY, JACK, HOW ABOUT SOME HOT DOGS?

Jack: UH, HOT DOGS NOT DONE YET.

Whisper: Rodrigo!

Michael: SOME DONUTS?

THEY'RE DONE.

Rodrigo!

Shut up!

WELL, RODRIGO, THAT'LL BE $9.57.

QUARTERS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D APPRECIATE IT.

UH...OK! NOBODY MOVE!

COOL.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

MAN, I CAME TO GET A HOT DOG, I WAS HUNGRY--

WHO THE HELL IS HE?

HE'S YOUR GUY.

HE AIN'T MY GUY.

LOOK, I'M NOBODY'S GUY.

HE KNOWS ABOUT THE CRATE.

OH, JESUS, HE KNOWS ABOUT THE CRATE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CRATE?

WELL, SOMEBODY TOLD ME--

YOU ALL RUNNING GRAPEFRUIT, HUH?

HE DON'T KNOW SHIT, RODRIGO.

WOULD YOU STOP USING NAMES?

IS THAT WHAT I SAY TO YOU?

I SAID NOT TO USE NAMES, RIGHT?

IS THAT WHAT I SAID TO YOU

OR WAS THAT SOME OTHER FRIGGIN' IDIOT IN THE CAR?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO TRINA.

HEY, SAL!

OH, GREAT!

NOW EVERYBODY GOT THAT?

I'M RODRIGO,

THAT'S TRINA OVER THERE,

AND THE BIG MOUTH IS FRIGGIN' SAL.

Sal: I'M SORRY, BUT HE KNOWS ABOUT THE CRATE.

Rodrigo: OK, SHUT UP!

EVERYBODY HANDS UP!

SAL, SEE IF HE'S GOT A WEAPON UNDER THE COUNTER.

COME ON.

HEY, LOOK, I SEE YOU GOT A LOT ON YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW, MAN.

I GOT SOMEWHERE I GOT TO BE.

I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND GIVE YOU THIS TO START YOU OUT,

'CAUSE I COULD GO OVER HERE AND MIND MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

GIVE HER THE SHOTGUN!

[SCREAMS]

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, HUH?

HE TOLD ME TO DO IT.

MA'AM, THAT, UH, THAT SHOTGUN HAS A HAIR TRIGGER.

WHAT IS THAT?

HI-YAW!

HEY!

YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE FOOLING WITH?

THIS IS PUFF DADDY!

HE THE MAN.

CHILL, LITTLE MAN.

THIS IS NOT THE TIME NOR THE PLACE TO BE A WARRIOR, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S HOT. IT'S SO HOT IN HERE, HE'S LOSING IT.

PUFFY IS ROUGH,

HE IS TOUGH,

AND HE WILL KICK YOUR ASS WEST-SIDE!

HEY, HEY, HEY!

WERE YOU RAISED IN A FRIGGIN' ZOO WITH A MOUTH LIKE THAT?

HUH?

YOUR PARENTS DON'T TEACH YOU NOTHING?

I GOT A GUN, MAN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

USE YOUR HEAD!

SON, THAT GUN COULD PUT A HOLLOW POINT

THROUGH A 2-INCH STEEL PLATE AT 50 YARDS.

I'D DO WHAT HE SAYS.

Rodrigo: OK,

GIVE ME WHAT YOU GOT IN THAT THING. COME ON!

16 BUCKS.

I-I-I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT!

ALL YOU GOT IN HERE IS 16 BUCKS!

CHECK BACK AFTER LABOR DAY.

THAT'S OUR BIG WEEKEND.

AY, RODRIGO.

CHECK IT OUT.

¡AY DIOS MIO!

¡AY DIOS MIO! WE'RE ON CANDID FRIGGIN' CAMERA.

SAL, WHIPPED CREAM!

TAKE CARE OF IT.

[YELLING IN SPANISH]

YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT!

WHEN I SAY TAKE CARE OF THE CAMERA,

THIS IS WHAT I MEAN.

HE'S...

HE LIES, HE'S JUST...

HE'S JUST AN IDIOT, YOU KNOW?

YES, MA'AM.

AND I TRY REALLY HARD.

CHEW?

HERE YOU GO.

IT'S BETTER IF YOU DON'T SWALLOW IT.

IT'S GOOD, AIN'T IT?

LET ME SEE THE PURSE.

LET ME SEE THE PURSE.

WHOA.

SOMEBODY GOT THE JUMBO PACK.

HEY, LET'S SEE THE RING.

OH, COME ON, MAN, LEAVE HER RING ALONE.

WHO ARE YOU NOW, EH?

BEVERLY HILLS COP?

NO, I'M NOT A HILLS COP.

LOOK, LOOK AT HER.

THE RING PROBABLY AIN'T EVEN REAL ANYWAY.

YES IT IS REAL.

GIVE ME THE RING.

OK. FINE.

IT'S INSURED.

VAMOS, RODRIGO. SAL!

CHECK OUT LEATHERHEAD.

COME ON, EMPTY THE POCKETS.

THEY ARE EMPTY.

HE SAYS THEY'RE EMPTY. VAMOS.

SAL!

I DON'T TRUST HIM, MAN.

Michael: LOOK, BRO.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST MINIMIZE ALL THE PAIN

AND QUIT WITH THE ANTICS.

JUST ASK HIM ABOUT THE SAFE.

THEY GOT A SAFE?

I KNOW THEY GOT A SAFE.

SHOW ME THE SAFE.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL WASTE HIM IF YOU DON'T.

OH, THAT'LL TEACH ME.

OK, HOW ABOUT HER?

HUH?

Michael: COME ON, MAN.

TAKE IT EASY WITH THE GUN.

YOU SEE THE GIRL IS SCARED.

YOU NEVER SHUT UP?

IS THAT WHY YOUR OLD LADY DUMPED YOU?

Jack: ACTUALLY, SHE SAID HE WAS AN EGOTISTICAL,

SELF-CENTERED JACKASS.

SHE DID NOT SAY ALL THAT.

I'M PARAPHRASING.

Rodrigo: AHA...

I TOLD YOU, TRINA. HE GOT MONEY.

I GUESS I CAN BREAK THAT 50 FOR YOU NOW.

HA, YOU GOT 50.

[INAUDIBLE]

Jack: HEY, YOU WANT A BAG FOR ALL THAT?

YEAH, PLEASE.

GET IT, TRINA.

SHIT! THE COPS!

WHAT?

WHO CALLED THE COPS?

WHO CALLED THE FRIGGIN' COPS?!

HE DID.

NO, WELL, YEAH, I DID CALL THE COPS

MY CAR GOT JACKED.

WHY THE HELL DID YOU COME IN HERE TODAY?

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS STICKUP DAY.

WE'RE GOING TO JAIL, RODRIGO.

SHUT UP! NOBODY'S GOING TO JAIL!

WE GET RID OF THE COP.

JUST PRETEND WE'RE IN LINE, ALL RIGHT?

JUST BE COOL. DON'T TRY NOTHING.

OR I PUT A BULLET IN HIS BACK.

OK, IN EVERYBODY'S BACK.

Sal: I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

CHECK OUT THOSE DORITOS OVER THERE.

GO!

JUST KEEP READING.

HEY, KID.

Boy: WHAT?

PLAY THAT GAME SOME MORE.

FINE.

TRINA. FIX UP ONE OF THEM HOT DOGS.

HOT DOGS AIN'T DONE YET.

THROW THE FRIGGIN' THING IN THE MICROWAVE.

DO IT, TRINA!

I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT!

JUST DON'T LOOK AT HIM.

YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT IF YOU DON'T LOOK AT HIM.

HOWDY, JACK.

HELLO, BEAU.

[BAG POPS]

Beau: WHICH ONE OF YOU'S GOT THE STOLEN CAR?

YEAH, UH, YOU MUST BE RICK.

DEPUTY BEAUMONT.

WILMA TOLD ME TO TELL YOU "HEY."

DID SHE?

ALL RIGHT, I GOT SOME PAPERWORK

IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ME OUT TO THE CRUISER.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULD LOVE TO FOLLOW YOU...

YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T RIGHT NOW.

I CAN'T EVEN DO IT.

I GOTTA STAY IN HERE,

BACK IN LINE WHERE THE OTHER PEOPLE ARE,

'CAUSE THEY WERE WITNESSES.

YOU TWO TOGETHER?

NO. MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

HOW YOU DOING, MAN? MIKE, MIKE DAWSON.

HOW YOU DOING?

Beaumont: ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL GO OUT TO THE CAR AND I'LL GET SOME FORMS,

AND I'LL COME BACK IN, AND WE CAN DISCUSS IT HOWEVER YOU LIKE.

I THINK HE BOUGHT IT.

Mike: YEAH, SURE, HE SEES A BLACK MAN BUYING DOUCHE EVERY DAY.

HOW IN PERDITION CAN YOU CALL HIM OUT [PHONE RINGING]

WHEN HE DROPPED THE DADGUM BALL?

YEAH?

NO, IT'S THE MAYOR... RICK BEAUMONT.

WHAT IS IT, BEAU?

HE DIDN'T BUY IT, RODRIGO.

RODRIGO, HE AIN'T BUYING IT! SHH!

WHAT'S HE DOING IN THERE?

HE'S PROBABLY WONDERING WHY WE'RE LOOKING SO RIDICULOUS.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUY SOMETHING.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR IT?

I STILL CAN'T BREAK THAT $50.

NEED ANYTHING ELSE?

HORACE!

I GOT AN EMERGENCY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE OVER AS COACH.

OK. WHAT DO I DO?

TAKE IT EASY ON HIM.

Mike: THIS IS MY HOME PHONE NUMBER.

IF MY GIRL ANSWERS, MAN, PLEASE HANG UP THE PHONE UP...

Beaumont: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. MR. DAWSON, THAT'S PLENTY.

I'LL GO GET THIS ON THE HORN,

AND WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN COME UP WITH.

[POP]

MARY. RICHARD.

HE BOUGHT IT.

VAMONOS.

HASTA MANANA. JUST KIDDING.

OH, SHIT!

THE COP SET US UP!

[SCREAMS] HE BROUGHT THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' TOWN!

Sal: VAMOS!

Rodrigo: THE CRATE! THE CRATE!

LEAVE THE DAMN CRATE!

NO, NO, NO! HELP ME!

LET'S GO.

NO, NO! WE CAN'T LEAVE HIM!

WE GOT THE MONEY! GO!

SAL! TRINA!

[SIRENS WAILING]

Sheriff: DAMN IT, BEAU. WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

WAHOO!

Officer: GET 'EM BOYS.

[GUNSHOTS]

THOSE GUYS ARE CRAZY!

NO SHIT.

YOU FELLAS HOLD OFF.

AIN'T NO POINT IN SHOOTING UP PUBLIC PROPERTY

IF IT AIN'T NECESSARY.

PUBLIC PROPERTY, MY ASS. I OWN THIS PLACE!

THIS IS SHERIFF ELI PEMBRY OF NORTH BUTTE COUNTY.

WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED,

SO YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL GIVE UP

BEFORE THIS THING GETS OUT OF HAND.

NO, NO, NO, FORGET IT. FORGET IT, MAN!

Sheriff: NOBODY OUT HERE WANTS TO HURT YOU.

FORGET IT, MAN!

Rodrigo: YOU GRINGOS IS CRAZY!

I GOT YOU DEAD, DIRTBAG.

Sheriff: WE JUST WANT YOU TO WALK OUT NICE AND SLOW.

GIVE YOURSELF UP.

THAT'S IT.

YEAH, I GOTCHA!

[GUNSHOT]

I'M A HOSTAGE!

GIVE ME THAT!

ALL YOU OTHER PECKERWOODS,

DON'T FIRE UNLESS YOU'RE FIRED UPON.

MAN, THOSE REDNECKS ARE CRAZY!

NO SHIT.

BACK OFF OR...

BACK OFF, OR I START THROWING OUT BODIES!

SOMEBODY GET ME THE BOOK!

IT'S GOT ALL THE ANSWERS.

TED, I NEED FOOD AND COFFEE. ASAP.

RIGHT.

I NEED THE BLUEPRINTS FOR THIS STORE...

AND I NEED THEM YESTERDAY.

YES, SIR.

DALE, GO DOWN TO THE SURPLUS STORE

AND SEE WHAT THEY'VE GOT IN THE WAY OF TEAR GAS.

TEAR GAS?

COME ON.

BEAU?

YES, SIR.

CALL THE CHIEF OF POLICE IN VEGAS--

HE'S AN OLD FISHING BUDDY OF MINE--

TELL HIM WE NEED TO BORROW A SWAT TEAM.

GOT IT.

AND WILL SOMEBODY KINDLY FIND OUT

WHO'S WINNING THE DAMN BALL GAME?!

"BEVERLY HILLS COP", YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

HOLD ON, MAN. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE BOTH MINORITIES.

JUST SHUT UP YOUR FACE.

THIS AIN'T EXACTLY THE RAINBOW COALITION OUT HERE, MAN.

THEY'RE GONNA SHOOT US BOTH. SHUT UP!

Officer: HE'S GOT A GUN.

YOU'RE THE SHERIFF? OH, SHIT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE TURNING INTO ONE MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS FOR ME, SON.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?

I DIDN'T DO NOTHING TO HIM.

THE HELL HE DIDN'T!

HE STRUCK OUT MY BEST HITTER WITH TWO OUTS AND THE BASES LOADED!

OH, NOW HE'S YOUR BEST HITTER?

AI-YI-YI, YOU AIN'T WORTH NOTHING AS A HOSTAGE.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

I GOTTA GET IN LINE TO SHOOT YOU.

WELL TAKE A NUMBER.

OK, LISTEN UP.

YOU GET THOSE HICKS OVER HERE TO MOVE THIS CRATE.

MAN, DON'T CALL THEM HICKS.

WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE,

CHECK TO SEE HOW MANY HOSTAGES HE'S GOT AND HOW MANY GUNS.

READY?

ON THREE...ONE...

UH-OH! NO WAY, COMPADRE.

YOU GUYS AIN'T COMING IN HERE WITH NO GUNS!

MAKE THEM TAKE THOSE BELTS OFF.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE THEM OFF.

OK, NOW, EVERYBODY, NO PANTS.

NO PANTS?

I DON'T WANT NO SURPRISES.

THAT'S A SURPRISE.

NOBODY COMES IN HERE WITH PANTS ON.

DO IT.

OH, NO SHIRTS, NEITHER.

DO IT.

OH, NO, NO!

SHERIFF, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MAN!

LOOK, MY NAME IS MIKE DAWSON.

MY GIRLFRIEND'S NAME IS RAE SWANSON.

SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO THE AIRPORT.

WAIT A MINUTE. MIKE DAWSON? ARE YOU THAT BOXER?

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S MIKE TYSON.

ARE YOU SURE? YOU LOOK SOMETHING LIKE HIM.

WELL SINCE THEN I LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT, AND I'M A VEGETARIAN...

COME ON, MAN!

THAT'S MIKE TYSON?

COOL. I THOUGHT HE WAS IN JAIL.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I SAY SOMETHING, PLEASE?

HELLO, SHERIFF.

HELLO, MARY.

COULD YOU LET SONNY KNOW

THAT I MIGHT BE A LITTLE LATE GETTING HOME TONIGHT?

YES, MA'AM. WE'LL DO IT RIGHT AWAY.

GO TELL SONNY WHAT'S GOING ON.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND HIM.

SORRY TO BOTHER Y'ALL.

ANYBODY ELSE GOT SOME MOVIES TO RETURN

OR SOMETHING REAL IMPORTANT?

Sheriff: ALL RIGHT, SON, JUST CALM DOWN.

COME ON! BRING IT IN!

WATCH IT. WATCH THE CURB.

WHOA!

YOU GOT SOMEPLACE COLD?

THE FREEZER.

TAKE IT IN BACK.

SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN.

SWAT TEAM'S ON ITS WAY, SHERIFF.

HEY, GRAB ME A DOVE BAR.

OK, GET A TWO-SHOT OF THE SHERIFF AND ME,

AND I WANT TO USE THE CARS AS A BACKDROP.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA WANT THIS.

OH, MAN! WE GOT THE FRIGGIN' TV NEWS, TOO?

HEY, I THOUGHT THAT THING WAS ONLY HOOKED UP TO THE SECURITY CAMERA.

WELL, I GOTTA KEEP UP WITH GENERAL HOSPITAL.

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD SHOW.

News Anchor:...CONVENIENCE STORE IN NORTH BUTTE.

THE INFORMATION WE HAVE IS STILL SKETCHY, BUT-- WAIT A MINUTE.

ONE OF THE SUSPECTS IS APPROACHING THE DOOR,

POSSIBLY TO SURRENDER TO THE POLICE.

[POP]

[GUNFIRE]

MARY!

Sheriff: HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Mike: I'VE BEEN HIT!

OH, THEY FRIGGIN' SHOT HIM, MAN!

OH, MAN.

HOLD YOUR FIRE.

HOLD YOUR FIRE.

Mike: HOLD ME.

IT'S OK, MICHAEL.

I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH A WHITE GIRL BEFORE.

IT'S OK. IT'S THE LAST MINUTE. NOBODY'LL KNOW.

OH, IT'S OK. IT REALLY DOESN'T LOOK THAT BAD.

AY, DIOS MIO! IT LOOKS BAD.

IT DOES, MY BROTHER?

YOU GOTTA GET THAT SHIT CLEANED OUT, BRO'.

I KNOW I DO.

OK, HOW ABOUT SOME ALCOHOL TO CLEAN IT?

JACK, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON IN THERE?

YOU GOT ANY CASUALTIES?

[CRIES]

YOU NEED A DOCTOR IN THERE?

Rodrigo: BE STRONG. IT LOOKS REAL BAD NOW.

I KNOW IT DOES!

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES WARRIORS GET NICKED IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE.

CARRY ON, MY CAUCASOIDIAN BROTHER.

Kid: SOME WARRIOR.

PEACE, BE STILL.

OK, MAYBE I SHOULD GET SOME ICE.

I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.

ICING THE AREA COULD DAMAGE THE OPTIC NERVE

IF THERE'S A FLUID BUILDUP IN THE OCULAR CAVITY.

MY CAVITIES ARE FILLED.

Mary: OK, WELL, THEN WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

FIRST WE'VE GOT TO DETERMINE IF THE EYE IS DISLOCATED

OR IF IT'S MERELY PROTRUDING FROM THE SOCKET.

THAT MIGHT BE HARD.

HE ALWAYS LOOKED A LITTLE COCKEYED TO ME.

YOU GOT A STERILE CLOTH?

HOW STERILE?

OK, WHO'S GOT STEADY HANDS?

LET ME.

Mike: WAIT A MINUTE.

I'VE SEEN THIS. I'VE BEEN TO JAIL.

I KNOW WHAT Y'ALL ARE TRYING TO DO.

I THINK I FEEL SOME PEEWEE ACTION.

FORCEPS.

DO GOOD.

[YELPING]

OH, MY GOD!

A HUNK OF GLASS?

[SNAPS]

A DORITO.

BARBECUE OR COOL RANCH?

COOL RANCH.

WHAT KIND OF GUN SHOOTS...

[BELL DINGS]

ACCORDING TO POLICE SOURCES,

MIKE TYSON--THAT'S RIGHT,

THE FORMER BOXING HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION--

IS AT THIS MOMENT ENGAGED IN THE FIGHT OF HIS LIFE

INSIDE THIS CONVENIENCE STORE.

TYSON IN BELIEVED TO BE ONE OF THE HOSTAGES INJURED...

WHAT CAN I GET YOU, HONEY?

UM...JUST A CUP OF COFFEE, PLEASE.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE SOMETHING STRONGER

THAN A CUP OF COFFEE.

OH, NO. I DON'T DRINK HARD LIQUOR.

ALL RIGHT. LET ME GUESS.

HE DUMPED YOU FOR SOME YOUNG THING

WITH A LOOSE TOP AND A TIGHT BOTTOM.

NO, ACTUALLY IT WAS A CAR.

SOUNDS LIKE MY SECOND HUSBAND.

OH, HE HAD A THING FOR CARS?

NO, HE HAD A THING FOR PRISON MOVIES AND YOUNG BOYS.

HURT JUST THE SAME.

SHERIFF! SHERIFF, EMERGENCY CALL.

YEAH?

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP!

TELL JEREMY TO KEEP HIS PITCHES LOW.

JOHNSON IS A SUCKER FOR A LOW BALL.

HOWARD? ALICE? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'VE GOT MIKE TYSON IN THERE.

I'D LIKE TO TELL HIM THAT I LOST A BUNDLE ON THAT DOUGLAS FIGHT.

YEAH.

WHEN YOU PULLING A POTATO CHIP OUT OF YOUR ASS...

IT JUST PUTS EVERYTHING IN PERSPECTIVE.

THE MOCCAI INDIANS OF PERU

BELIEVED THAT A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

CLEANSES THE SPIRIT AND IMPARTS WORLDLY WISDOM

OTHERWISE GAINED ONLY THROUGH VAST YEARS OF INTENSIVE STRUGGLE.

OF COURSE, THEY ALSO EAT BUGS AND SACRIFICE VIRGINS.

EVER EATEN A BUG?

I HAD A BUG-EYED VIRGIN.

[BEAUTIFUL DREAMER PLAYING]

JACK, JACK, COME ON!

DO YOU MIND PLAYING SOMETHING ELSE, MAN?

[BEAUTIFUL DREAMER CONTINUES]

I THINK I GOT IT, SHERIFF.

WELL, LET'S GIVE IT TO HIM.

WAIT, I THINK THIS IS IT.

HEY!

WE GONNA DO THIS TODAY?

Jack: THERE GO THE DOVE BARS.

YEAH! [CHEERING]

WELL, WHAT NOW, SHERIFF?

WE WAIT.

Alice: YOU'D THINK THAT CUTTING THE POWER

WOULD HAVE A LITTLE MORE EFFECT AT NIGHT.

Howard: THAT'S TRUE.

WHERE THE HELL IS MY SWAT TEAM?

WHERE THE HELL IS NORTH BUTTE?

[BEAUTIFUL DREAMER PLAYING]

BIG J, J-MONEY, DO YOU MIND?

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW SOME OTHER SONGS?

Jack: I KNOW PLENTY.

THANKS.

I LIKE ONE.

[RESUMES BEAUTIFUL DREAMER]

* REASONS, THE REASONS THAT WE HEAR *

* THE REASONS THAT WE FEAR

* OUR FEELINGS WON'T DISAPPEAR, OH *

COME ON, JACK, GO WITH ME!

* AND AFTER THE LOVE GAMES HAVE BEEN PLAYED *

* ALL OUR ILLUSIONS WERE JUST A PARADE *

* AND ALL OUR REASONS START TO FADE *

* REASONS

* THE REASONS THAT WE HEAR

* THE REASONS THAT WE FEAR

* OUR FEELINGS WON'T DISAPPEAR

* OH-HH...

[GUNFIRE]

YOU WANT MUSIC? GO TO CHURCH.

Officer: I GOT A TAPE RIGHT HERE, SHERIFF.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

WHAT'S ON THE LIST, BEAU?

WELL, IT SAYS HERE THE NEXT STEP IS TO NEGOTIATE.

WE ARE READY TO LISTEN TO YOUR DEMANDS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Rodrigo: BETE, GRINGO!

WHAT THE HELL DID HE SAY?

MAYBE YOU COULD HEAR HIM

IF YOU HADN'T CUT OFF THE POWER.

THAT WAS PRETTY STUPID, SHERIFF.

I MEAN, HOW'RE WE SUPPOSED TO TALK TO HIM NOW?

OOH! [LAUGHING]

Y'ALL...CLUTE'S COMING...

AND HE AIN'T WEARING NO PANTS.

Sheriff: YOU IN THERE.

I'M SENDING IN ONE OF OUR BULLHORNS

TO REESTABLISH COMMUNICATION.

REMEMBER, IT'S GOVERNMENT PROPERTY

AND YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS SAFE RETURN.

[KNOCKING]

YOU JUST PRESS THE BUTTON--

I KNOW HOW TO USE THE FRIGGIN' THING, ALL RIGHT?

HEY!

DAMN!

GET YOUR ASS BACK THERE. GO!

Rodrigo: [SPEAKING SPANISH]

THAT KID'S LUCKY I DIDN'T EXECUTE HIS DUMB ASS.

NEXT TIME, I AIN'T GONNA BE SO GENEROUS.

YOU WANT TO SHOOT AT SOMEBODY, HUH?

Rodrigo: MICHAEL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

MICHAEL, GET BACK HERE!

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SHOOT ME, MAN.

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.

MICHAEL!

[GUNFIRE]

YOU GOT LYIN' EYES.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SHOOTING AT IN THERE?

YOU WANT TO BE A TERRORIST, HUH?

WELL YOU GOT YOUR CHANCE. COME ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE ABOUT TO NEGOTIATE. COME ON!

OK, BUT YOU TALK TO HIM.

SHERIFF...

LOOK, I'M SICK OF THIS, MAN!

I'VE BEEN ROBBED, KIDNAPPED, SHOT AT...

I COULD'VE STAYED IN CHICAGO FOR THIS SHIT!

AND ALL YOUR TRIGGER-HAPPY "BOSS HOGG" ASS CAN DO

IS TURN OFF THE AIR CONDITIONING.

I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, TYSON?

OK, HE'LL RELEASE ALL OF THE HOSTAGES

IF YOU'LL PROVIDE TRANSPORTATION

TO THE LAS VEGAS AIRPORT BY 6:00.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LOOK, YOU NEED TO GET TO MEXICO, RIGHT?

I NEED TO GET TO RAE.

OK, LISTEN UP.

SOMEBODY IS GOING WITH ME.

SOMEBODY BESIDE HIM.

[LAUGHING]

LISTEN, HE NEEDS TO GET TWO PLANE TICKETS

AND WE NEED TO GET TRANSPORTATION TO THE VEGAS AIRPORT BY 6:00,

AND IF HE DON'T GET ALL OF THAT...

IF HE DON'T GET HIS DEMANDS MET, THEN...

YOU DIE.

THEN WE ALL DIE.

YEAH, EVERYBODY DIES!

6:00, AND I TAKE THIS AND...BOOM!

BRAINS EVERYWHERE!

I'M SERIOUS.

Mike: THEY KNOW YOU'RE SERIOUS.

BLOOD AND GUTS.

BLOOD AND GUTS. SERIOUS SHIT!

HE'S JUST HOT. IT'S HOT. IT'S REAL HOT.

FIND OUT HOW MUCH ALL THIS IS GONNA COST.

SHERIFF.

THIS IS OUR FIRST TRIP TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE?

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT SHE HAD NEVER BEEN ON A PLANE BEFORE.

SO I SAT THERE WITH HER AND I SAID,

"LOOK, ORDER WHATEVER YOU WANT."

SHE LOOKS UP AND SEES THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT BUTTON

WITH THE LITTLE SPEAKER BY IT, SO SHE GOES,

BEEP. "COULD I GET A DIET COKE?" RIGHT?

SO EVERYBODY STARTS LAUGHING, YOU KNOW,

BUT I'M LIKE, "HEY, DON'T LET HER OFF THE HOOK."

SO SHE SITS THERE A LITTLE LONGER

AND THE DIET COKE AIN'T CAME,

SO SHE GOES, "OH, THESE PEOPLE."

BEEP. "I SAID COULD I GET A DIET COKE, PLEASE?"

AND IT WAS JUST HILARIOUS, MAN.

SHE WAS JUST SO INNOCENT.

WHY WERE THEY LAUGHING?

I'M NOT EVEN WASTING MY TIME.

THAT'S MY LITTLE RAE, MAN. LITTLE RAE OF SUNSHINE.

THAT'S REALLY PRETTY. WHERE IS THAT?

IT'S MEXICO.

YEAH, IT'S TOPOLOBAMPO.

DAMN, BROTHER. YOU'RE A TRAVELING MAN.

NO, I WAS BORN THERE.

HOW DO YOU SAY IT?

TO-PO-LO-BAMPO.

Jack: NEVER HEARD OF IT.

Biker: IT'S A SMALL PORT CITY 20 MILES SOUTH OF LOS MOCHIS.

IT'S KNOWN FOR ITS TEMPERATE CLIMATE AND GUAVA BEAN EXPORTS.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH.

OH...SEE RIGHT HERE?

WE'D BE SEEING EACH OTHER FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WE HADN'T EVEN KNOWN EACH OTHER THAT LONG, YOU KNOW.

OH-HH...

I'M TELLING YOU, GLORIA, WE WERE LIKE...

WE WERE LIKE THE PERFECT FIT.

THE FIRST NIGHT WE WERE TOGETHER, MAN...

OH, MAN. HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL.

WE COULD JUST TALK FOR HOURS AND HOURS ABOUT EVERYTHING.

SHE WOULD TALK FOR HOURS ABOUT NOTHING,

BUT I DIDN'T MIND LISTENING.

Sheriff: HELLO IN THERE...

WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A LITTLE BIT OF A PROBLEM OUT HERE.

MICHAEL, COME ON.

UH...WHAT PROBLEM?

WELL, WHAT WITH THE COST OF PUTTING UP THE NEW SCOREBOARD

AND FISCAL CUTBACKS,

THE MAYOR SAYS THERE'S NO WAY THAT WE CAN CHARTER A PLANE.

WE CAN SEND YOU ON A BUS, THOUGH.

IT GOES DOWN THROUGH NOGALES AND YUMA.

IT'S A LOT OF PRETTY SCENERY DOWN THERE.

Biker: HOW ABOUT FIRST CLASS SEATS?

Sheriff: IT'S A DAMN BUS!

I GUESS WE COULD PUT YOU CLOSER TO THE CRAPPER, OR SOMETHING.

Bike: WHAT ABOUT DINNER?

UH...IS THERE A MEAL?

WE GOT A BROCHURE HERE, SHERIFF.

"A DELICIOUS PORTION OF MESQUITE-ROASTED LONGHORN STEAKS,

SMOTHERED IN A COLORFUL VEGETABLE MELODY,

BAKED POTATO OR RICE PILAF--"

BOY, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

OK, I'LL GO.

THAT'S COOL.

Sheriff: OK, TYSON, YOU GOT A DEAL.

WE GOT A DEAL.

AGREED.

HEY--WAIT...

WAIT. ONE MORE THING.

I NEED A DOZEN ROSES, NO-- MAKE THAT TWO DOZEN ROSES

SENT TO THE VEGAS AIRPORT RIGHT NOW.

FIND OUT HOW MUCH THAT'S GONNA COST.

SO WHY COME IN HERE AND ROB A CONVENIENCE STORE?

THERE AIN'T NO MONEY IN THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO, LIKE, A BANK,

OR SOMETHING MORE LUCRATIVE?

OH YEAH. LIKE I'M VERY GOOD AT THIS SHIT.

YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.

YOU COME IN HERE, YOU'RE WAVING YOUR GUN, AND SHIT.

"BILLY BAD-ASS." "OK, NOBODY MOOOVE!"

I THOUGHT YOU WAS DOIN' IT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.

NO! GET OUT.

YOU STUD--MAN, YOU ON YOUR WAY.

HOW MUCH DOES THIS TEAR GAS COST?

IT'S SORT OF FREE.

WHEW.

GOOD JOB, DALE.

SHERIFF, DALE'S BACK.

GET ANY TEAR GAS?

WELL...SORTA.

SORTA?

CLUTE, GOOD BUDDY,

I GOT AN IMPORTANT JOB FOR YA.

ME AND YOU, BABY. DREAM TEAM.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? SORTA?

THAT'S A NICE GUN, DALE.

LOOKS MIGHTY POWERFUL.

SHERIFF'S ORDERS.

Sheriff on Radio: CLUTE, HOW'S IT COMING?

WHAT'S THAT, SHERIFF?

Sheriff: WHAT IS YOUR STATUS?

THE FUSE IS LIT.

I REPEAT, THE FUSE HAS BEEN LIT.

HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE?

WELL, I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA.

WHERE THE HELL IS MY SWAT TEAM?

Driver: WHO ORDERED THE BURRITO WITH EXTRA CHEESE?

Mike: WHAT'S YOUR DAY JOB?

I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE THIS?

MIGRANT WORK.

WHAT?

MIGRANT WORK.

MIGRANT WORK. REALLY?

NO, I'M PRESIDENT OF DISNEYLAND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THINGS WEREN'T GOING THAT WELL IN MEXICO,

SO...ME AND MY OLD MAN COME OVER HERE,

HOOKED UP WITH A COUPLE OF HARVESTING COMPANIES.

BENT OVER 10 HOURS A DAY FOR $2 AN HOUR.

YOU JUST WORK, AND WORK... AND WORK AND WORK.

AND THEN, YOU DIE.

WOW...WOW... YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT DID YOU PICK?

SQUASH...

BEETS...

Mike: BEETS?

STRAWBERRIES.

STRAWBERRIES.

MELONS.

OH, YEAH...MELONS.

I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

WHAT?

Man: GET OUT, GO. FIRE HIT YOUR BACK. COME ON.

Cop: GET INSIDE, CIVILIAN. GO.

Civilian: AYE-AYE, SIR.

IT'S ABOUT GOOD GODDAMN TIME!

SHERIFF PEMBRY. YOU ORDER'S MY ORDER, SIR.

GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS, BEAU.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

SONNY!

Rodrigo: HEY, MARY, MARY. NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID, PLEASE.

[RADIO PLAYING LOUD ROCK MUSIC]

HI, SONNY.

Pembry: GOT A LITTLE BIT OF A SITUATION HERE, SONNY.

SO, MAKE IT SHORT, OK?

ALL RIGHT.

Sonny: HOW YOU DOING, MARY?

IS HE TREATING YOU ALL RIGHT?

HE'S TREATING ME FINE.

WHERE WERE YOU, SONNY?

I--I CAME RIGHT OVER SOON AS CLUTE TOLD ME.

BUT CLUTE GOT BACK A LONG TIME AGO.

NOW, MARY, I RUSHED RIGHT OVER.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, CLUTE?

Clute: HE SURE DID, MARY.

HEY, CLUTE, WHERE WAS SONNY WHEN YOU FOUND HIM?

NOW YOU JUST WAIT JUST A SECOND, DARLING', OK?

I KNOW WHERE YOU WERE, SONNY.

WHAT, YOU THINK I'M THE ONLY PERSON

IN THE WHOLE DAMN TOWN WHO DON'T KNOW?

SHH. TURN THAT DOWN.

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

SWEETIE, THIS IS ALL A LITTLE PRIVATE, DON'T YOU THINK?

DON'T YOU EVEN WHAT TO KNOW WHY I MAKE YOU WEAR THEM RUBBERS

EVEN THOUGH I'M ON THE PILL, HUH?

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO KEEP THE REAL FEELING

SPECIAL FOR OUR WEDDING.

OH, GROW UP, SONNY.

I DID IT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU'RE SCREWING PAMELA RIDGEWAY,

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO CATCH SOMETHING.

NOW, MARY, YOU JUST SHUT UP--

HEY! HEY, DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT.

HEY, THIS AIN'T YOUR FIGHT, BOY.

HEY, DON'T YOU YELL AT HIM.

I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SONNY?

I'M GOING TO MEXICO.

BYE.

I THINK YOU'D BETTER LEAVE, SONNY.

MAYBE YOU WANT THIS BACK.

MAN...

YOU KNOW WHAT SONNY TOLD ME?

HE PAID $700 FOR THIS THING.

I FOUND THE RECEIPT AND IT WAS LIKE 40 BUCKS

ON ONE OF THOSE TELEVISION SHOPPING CHANNELS, YOU KNOW.

DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY OF THOSE TELEVISION SHOPPING CHANNELS IN MEXICO?

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR.

WHERE I LIVE? YEAH.

WE DON'T HAVE NO TV.

OH.

AH, BUT MY GRANDPARENTS HAVE.

DO YOU GUYS GET GENERAL HOSPITAL?

BECAUSE I LOVE GENERAL HOSPITAL.

WE HAVE AN ANIMAL HOSPITAL.

DO YOU NEED ONE?

WAITING ON YOUR ORDERS, SIR. WE'RE IN POSITION.

SHERIFF, LOOKS LIKE THE TEAM'S HERE.

[CROWD CHEERING] WHAT IS GOING ON?

JUST WAITING FOR YOUR ORDER, SIR.

WE WON! YES, WE WON.

Pembry: WE'RE GOING TO THE NATIONALS.

[PEMBRY CHEERING OVER RADIO]

I'M NOT READING YOU TOO CLEARLY, SIR.

SIR, SHOULD I TAKE THAT SHOT?

ARGGHH!

[GUNFIRE]

EVERYBODY BACK IN THE BUS. STAY IN THERE.

DROP THE GUNS. OPEN THE DOOR.

YOU DROP THE GUNS OR I BLOW HIS HEAD OFF.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON IN THERE, CAPTAIN?

SOUNDED LIKE GUADALCANAL.

SHERIFF, WE GOT ANOTHER PROBLEM.

OH, JUST ONE.

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.

YOU KNOW LOLA GLASPIE?

YEAH, THE TOWN TREASURER. WHAT ABOUT HER?

WELL, REMEMBER LAST YEAR THERE WAS A BIG DEAL

ABOUT HER WINNING A TRIP TO FRANCE.

WELL, SHE DIDN'T EXACTLY WIN THE TRIP.

THEY GOT HER DOWN AT THE MAYOR'S OFFICE NOW CONFESSING UP A STORM.

HOW MUCH WE GOT?

WELL, WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FOR THE CHARTER AND TWO DOZEN ROSES.

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, BEAU.

WELL, WE CAN RENT A TOUR BUS FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

WHAT ABOUT THE FLOWERS?

WELL, THERE WAS FUNERAL DOWN IN VEGAS.

AND THEY GOT AN F.T.D. PICK-ME-UP BOUQUET LEFT OVER,

AND THEY SAID WE COULD HAVE IT FOR HALF-PRICE.

GUESS THAT'LL HAVE TO DO.

I TOLD YOU KIDS TO GET DOWN IN THERE.

GET THEM KIDS DOWN.

GET DOWN, GET DOWN.

Rodrigo: SHERIFF!

GET DOWN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

I BEEN STRAIGHT WITH YOU.

I DIDN'T HURT NOBODY IN THERE.

AND YOU SEND THIS ASSHOLE TO MESS WITH ME?

JUST TAKE IT EASY, WE'VE MADE A MISTAKE.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU MADE A MISTAKE.

GET BACK INSIDE, MICHAEL.

HOLD ON. WHAT ARE YOU COMING AT HIM LIKE THIS FOR?

YOU GONNA MESS AROUND AND GET EVERYBODY IN HERE KILLED.

THE BUS IS ON ITS WAY RIGHT NOW.

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

JUST TAKE IT EASY, SON.

I AIN'T YOUR FRIGGIN' SON.

THERE'S A BODY IN THERE, SIR.

THIS IS GETTING GOOD.

Michael: LET IT GO, COME ON. LET IT GO.

Michael: WHAT THE HELL?

GET AWAY FROM HIM.

GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM.

MARY...

HON.

HE'S NOT COMING.

NOW, TRUST ME HONEY, THEY ALWAYS COME.

Man: EXCUSE ME

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE NAMED RACHEL

WHO'S FLYING TO CHICAGO.

THAT'S ME.

HOW PRETTY. WHO ARE THEY FROM?

THERE'S A CARD.

LET ME SEE. WHAT'S IT SAY, LET ME SEE.

"OUR DEEPEST SYMPATHY ON THE LOSS OF YOUR LOVED ONE.

MIKE TYSON."

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

ANSWER THE PHONE.

HELLO.

Mary: UM, YES HE IS.

IT'S FOR YOU.

IS IT RAE?

UM-HMM. IT'S YOUR FATHER.

MY FATHER? UM-HMM.

GIRL, MY FATHER IS DEAD.

HELLO.

Beau: DEPUTY BEAUMONT.

OH, DAD. HEY, DADDY.

GIRL, WHEN YOU SAID "FATHER", I THOUGHT YOU MEANT MY PRIEST.

YEAH, MY PRIEST IS DEAD.

GOD BLESS HIM.

YEAH.

Beau: I KNOW YOU CAN'T TALK FREELY IN THERE.

WHEN I ASK YOU A QUESTION, I WANT YOU TO SAY,

"THE WEATHER IS FINE" IF THE ANSWER'S YES.

IF THE ANSWER'S NO, I WANT YOU TO SAY, "IT LOOKS LIKE RAIN."

YOU UNDERSTAND?

UM-HMM. OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

THE SUN JUST POPPED OUT.

Beau: OK, HERE'S THE DEAL.

WE WANT YOU TO HELP US TAKE HIM DOWN.

YOU WILLING TO PLAY BALL?

UH, ACTUALLY IT'S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE RAIN.

NOW YOU DO YOUR PART,

AND WE'LL MAKE SURE THAT PLANE STAYS ON THE GROUND.

WE GOT A DEAL?

THE WEATHER IS NICE.

Beau: OK, HERE'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.

YOU GET HIM TO RELEASE EVERYBODY ELSE.

AND THEN I WANT YOU TO WALK OUT THERE WITH HIM.

NOW, YOU KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE SHERIFF,

BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO ASK YOU SWING AWAY.

HAND ACROSS THE HAT, THEN ACROSS THE CHEST

AND THEN WHEN YOU SEE HIM DO THAT, I WANT YOU TO HIT THE DIRT.

AND WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE REST.

YOU GOT THAT?

OK. WELL, OK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, DAD, I'LL HOLLER.

ALL RIGHT, OK, BYE BYE.

YEAH, THAT'S MY DAD.

HE'S AN OLD RETIRED WEATHERMAN.

OH.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE HIM OUT WITH THE FIRST SHOT, BEAU.

LET'S GET THOSE KIDS OUT OF HERE.

YES, SIR.

WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

Pembry: HELLO IN THERE.

WE GOT THE BUS OUT HERE.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LIVE UP TO YOUR END OF THE DEAL.

LET'S DO IT.

LET'S CLEAR THESE CIVILIANS OUT OF HERE.

YES, SIR.

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, I NEED YOU ALL TO MOVE BACK.

GO.

Beau: LET'S MOVE BACK BEHIND THE CARS.

FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY. COME ON, MOVE IT, LET'S GO.

WHAT'S GOING ON, ELI?

JUST A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.

YOU WANT US TO MOVE?

OH, NO. YOU FINE RIGHT THERE.

CLARENCE, THAT'S ONE YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR.

THIS IS YOURS.

THANKS.

Jack: FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIMMS, GET THAT--

IT'S 116 IN THE SHADE.

Rodrigo: WAIT, WAIT.

NO GUNS.

Pembry: ALL RIGHT, LET'S PUT THEM DOWN.

LET'S GO.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MARY.

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU OK?

NO, SHE'S NOT OK.

SHE DON'T LIKE BEING AROUND A KILLER.

I DIDN'T KILL ANYBODY.

THEN WHAT ABOUT THE DEAD BODY IN THE CRATE.

WHAT ABOUT THE WHAT?

THE BODY.

THE BODY IN THE CRATE.

IT'S MY FATHER.

I'M TRYING TO TAKE HIM BACK TO MEXICO.

DON'T STOP MOVING, DON'T STOP MOVING.

AH! Rodrigo: MARY!

DROP YOUR WEAPON! DROP IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

DROP THAT GUN OR I'LL FIRE.

I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO MEXICO.

DROP IT NOW.

OH, NO. WAIT A MINUTE, SHERIFF.

MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, TYSON.

SHERIFF, HE'S NOT A KILLER.

Pembry: IF YOU WANT US TO HOLD THAT DAMN PLANE,

YOU WILL MOVE YOUR ASS OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW.

WHAT'S GOING ON, MICHAEL?

MAN, THEY TRIED TO GET ME TO SET YOU UP.

YOU DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB.

LEAVE HIM ALONE.

AW, HELL.

MARY, YOU DROP THAT WEAPON AND BACK AWAY FROM HIM.

HE'S GOT A DEAD BODY IN THERE.

I KNOW. IT'S HIS FATHER AND HE'S TRYING TO TAKE HIM HOME.

WELL, THAT DON'T SEEM TO MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE.

HE'S UNDER ARREST ANYWAY.

Michael: AW, COME ON SHERIFF. FOR WHAT CHARGE?

WELL, FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER FOR THAT SHOT HE TOOK AT YOU.

ATTEMPT--WELL, LOOK, IF YOU CHARGE HIM WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER,

THEN YOU GOT TO CHARGE HIM WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER, TOO,

WITH HIS BARNEY FIFE ASS.

ALL RIGHT, MEN, PUT AWAY YOUR WEAPONS.

WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, TYSON?

I WANT WHAT YOU PROMISED.

FIRST OF ALL, I NEED TO GET THIS DUDE TO MEXICO

SO HE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIS FATHER.

WE CAN'T DO THAT.

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.

WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LOOK AT ALL THESE TAXPAYING CITIZENS AROUND HERE.

YOU GOT SOME MONEY IN HERE

COME ON, DON'T BULLSHIT ME.

TOWN'S BROKE.

Man: WE ARE NOT.

Michael: 50.

OH, COME ON, TYSON, DON'T DO THIS.

THAT'S 50.

THAT'S A START.

ANYBODY ELSE? HUH?

YOU DA MAN.

GIVE ME SOME.

THERE WE GO.

ANYBODY ELSE?

I'VE GOT 50.

WELL, THIS HAS BEEN ABOUT AS GOOD AS GOING TO A MATINEE.

THERE WE GO. THANK YOU, MR. BOJANGLES.

THIS DEFINITELY QUALIFIES AS MY RAINY DAY.

MR. JACK HAD THE MONEY IN HIS SHOE.

LOOK OUT, NOW EVERYBODY, PLEASE, QUICKLY.

THANK YOU, PEOPLE. COME, CHILDREN.

OH, LOOK AT THESE HAPPY, GIVING FACES.

COME ON DOWN, COME HITHER, FEEL THE LOVE.

YES, I'M LIKING THAT.

SHERIFF, ALL I NEED IS ONE MORE FAVOR.

I NEED TO GET A RIDE TO THAT AIRPORT.

WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.

WE DIDN'T HOLD THE PLANE.

SO YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP LIED.

IT'S IN THE BOOK.

Announcer: FLIGHT 664 TO CHICAGO NOW BOARDING...

IS THAT YOU?

YEAH.

HE'S NOT COMING.

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

YEAH, THAT'S OK.

THANKS, GLORIA.

BYE BYE, BABY. OH, HERE NOW, DON'T FORGET YOUR FLOWERS.

HERE YOU GO. THANKS.

I'LL SEE YOU.

BYE BYE. BYE.

GRACIAS A TODOS.

I THINK I OWE YOU ONE.

HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.

HEY, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND ALL.

SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T TAKE ME BACK RIGHT NOW ANYWAY.

THEN SHE'D BE A FOOL.

YOU THINK? UM-HMM.

OH, A LITTLE LOVE. WATCH THIS ONE, WATCH HER.

SHH.

OK, IF YOU'RE EVER IN MEXICO--

WELL, IF YOU'RE EVER IN CHICAGO ROBBING A CONVENIENCE STORE,

I HOPE THEY POP A CAP IN YOUR ASS.

Clarence: MICHAEL.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'VE JUST HAD ONE HELL OF AN UNLUCKY DAY, MAN.

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A WISE WARRIOR

IN A TRIBE WHO FOUND A HORSE.

AND EVERYBODY SAID WHAT A LUCKY MAN HE WAS.

THEN ONE DAY THE HORSE THREW HIM AND HE BROKE HIS LEG

AND EVERYONE SAID WHAT AN UNLUCKY MAN HE WAS.

THEN THERE WAS A GREAT BATTLE.

ALL THE YOUNG MEN DIED EXCEPT THE WISE WARRIOR

WHO COULDN'T GO BECAUSE HE HAD A BROKEN LEG.

DEEP.

DEEP AS USUAL, STRANGE AS HELL.

BUT DEEP.

GET ON OUT OF HERE, MAN.

HEY, MICHAEL. YEAH.

DID I MENTION I KNEW A GIRL IN TOPOLOBAMPO ONCE?

YEE-HAW!

SORRY ABOUT YOUR STORE, JACK.

THANKS, MICHAEL.

PLEASE COME AGAIN.

HEY--I...

Michael: HEY, WAIT UP!

Jack: THAT'S JOSE'S PLANE.

ALL RIGHT!

HEY, MICHAEL, THIS MAY BE YOUR LUCKY DAY AFTER ALL.

Michael: MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT STILL.

WOW.

Michael: GRAPEFRUIT LADY, YOU'RE MY RIDE.

WE ONLY GOT 10 MINUTES.

YEAH, WE CAN STILL MAKE IT.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH. IT'S JUST A SHORT FLIGHT OVER THE CANYON.

A CONDOM WITH GLASSES. ALL RIGHT.

WAIT. YOU GOT THE 35 BUCKS?

AT LEAST "HALF-AY".

35. COME ON, PLEASE.

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME.

CONSIDER THAT A LOAN, TYSON.

HAVE A NICE TRIP.

THANKS, MAN.

I'M A LITTLE SENSITIVE ABOUT MY MONEY.

SI, SI.

GET ME THERE.

Michael: DAMN!

HOW LONG YOU'VE HAD YOUR LICENSE?

Pilot: WHAT IS THIS LICENSE? [LAUGHS]

IT'S KIND OF SHAKY, HUH?

AH, THIS IS OK. GO, WE NEED TO GO!

¡AMORES ADELANTE!

Announcer: THIS IS THE DEPARTURE OF ALTA AIR FLIGHT 664 TO CHICAGO

IS READY FOR FINAL BOARDING.

ALL CONFIRMED PASSENGERS SHOULD BE ON BOARD THE AIRCRAFT.

HEY! THAT'S MY CAR.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY RIDE?

KEEP IT, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE.

Woman: DID YOU SEE THE EXCITEMENT ON THE TV TODAY?

IT WAS LIKE COPS WITHOUT THE COMMERCIALS.

YOU'RE NOT KIDDING.

EARL AND I WERE GLUED TO THE SET.

WHEN THEY CAME OUT OF THERE IN THEIR UNDERWEAR, I HAD TO TAKE A PILL.

BUT HOW THEY COULD MISTAKE THAT SKINNY GUY

FOR MIKE TYSON, I'LL NEVER KNOW.

Pilot: YOU GIVE ME THE OTHER HALF RIGHT NOW, OK?

OK?

Michael: AARGH!

RAE! RAE!

HAS ANYONE SEEN A BLACK LADY?

Man on TV: NORTH BUTTE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT,

SHOWN HERE BOMBARDING THE CONVENIENCE STORE, ISSUED AN APOLOGY.

Rae: HEY, TYSON!

RAE? GIRL!

OH, HONEY.

OH, YOU WAITED FOR ME.

OH, I KNEW YOU'D BE LATE; ARE YOU EVER ON TIME?

OH, LET'S GO HOME.

OH, HONEY.

COULD I GET A DIET COKE, PLEASE?

HELLO? COULD I GET A DIET COKE, PLEASE?

DON'T MAKE ME GO FOR THE DING-A-LING.

DON'T MAKE THE DING-A-LING GO FOR YOU.

[PEOPLE YELLING]

WHAT IN THE HELL?

OK! NOBODY MOVE!

MICHAEL. MICHAEL.

HEY HEY! HEY HEY!

**

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TRIMARK PICTURES

CAPTIONING BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--