Original subtitles

Is there something long and sharp sticking out of my head?

-Nope. -Well, I want there to be.

There's an effect. I need a cause.

The cause was 10 giant shots of tequila, sweetie.

It makes me woozy just hearing that.

Well, that's the price you pay for being the hit of Lane's wedding.

Hit? I was a raving lunatic. And that toast?

[SLAMMING]

-Oh, my God, loudest sound ever. -FRED: Sorry.

Don't worry about the toast.

And you weren't a lunatic, you were a character.

And what is Stars Hollow if not a haven for colorful characters?

I mean, you're not up there with Stevie, the pants-less Santa Claus,

or Jo-Jo, the Cow Whisperer, but you made some strides.

Is this supposed to be a consolation?

[SLAMMING]

-That's twice in 20 seconds, Fred. -Sorry.

I've seen you wasted before, but never like this.

I mean, we had you guzzling coffee,

but coffee was making you energetically wasted.

I should borrow the reception video to see what a fool I made out of myself.

-And check out your audition. -My what?

[SLAMMING]

You want a piece of me, omelet boy?

Fred, why don't you let the vegetables simmer for a while?

-I'll look after them. -Sure, Sookie.

Sorry, Fred. I'm not myself this morning.

So, now, what did I do in front of the camera?

Well, when you spotted the videographer, you got suddenly very excited

to film your audition tape for America's Next Top Model.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah.

-I thought that was a dream. -It wasn't.

The posing, the strutting, the inappropriate gyrating?

All caught on video and several of Zach's buddies' camera phones.

Why didn't you stop me?

I tried. We all tried. But you were on a mission.

You kept saying, "I'm not here to make friends. I wanna win."

-And then after that... -There's an "after that"?

You tried to start a limbo contest, a poker game,

and a secret club for super-cool party people only.

None of those things really, you know, took off.

Especially the limbo, considering your choice of limbo stick

-was Zach's great-uncle's cane. -Great-uncle's cane.

Oh, yeah. Is he okay?

He stumbled, but we caught him. He's fine.

So, is that all? Anything else I need to know about?

Nope. After you crowned yourself Arm Wrestling Champion of the World,

Christopher and Rory scooped you up and got you home.

He got you in bed okay?

Christopher? Yeah. Well, he and Rory.

He's very knight-in-shining-armor. Very chivalrous.

That's him.

So, is there anything else I did that I need to know about?

I wanna be fully informed.

-I told you everything. -Good. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go and be nauseous out front for a while.

Excellent.

Super-cool party people bid you super-cool adieu!

That's how you were saying goodbye to people at the wedding.

Super.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Logan Huntzberger. He's...

-Excuse me, can you help me find Logan... -Sorry, this isn't my floor.

Excuse me, can someone here help me find Logan Huntzberger?

He was just transferred out of the ICU.

-Room 713. -How is he?

-Are you family? -I'm his girlfriend.

All I can tell you is that he's not conscious right now

and that he's in serious but stable condition.

What does that mean, "serious but stable"?

Just what it says.

But is it more serious or stable? I mean, which way is it leaning?

I'm sorry, I can only release more information to family members.

But I'm his girlfriend. I mean, we've been together a long time.

It's not a casual thing. We live together.

Sorry.

How is he? Is he okay?

Scuttlebutt is he's not dead.

The man is indestructible.

Dives headfirst off the cliffs of Caldera, instantly spins out of control.

Gets totally disoriented, barely gets his chute open.

Bounces off every rock and crag in the park.

Yet still manages to stick the landing.

We gave him a 9.7.

Had to deduct three-tenths for all the screaming and bleeding.

What about his family? Did you talk to them?

Honor is on her honeymoon in Mykonos trying to get a flight back,

and Logan's mom checked herself into some sort of spa in Arizona

the moment she heard.

When the going gets tough, the tough get hot rock massages.

-What about Mitchum? -The Dark Lord?

We left word, but haven't heard anything back.

But we've come up with a plan

to get around the whole family-only-gets-information thing.

We're adopting him.

-What? -FINN: Logan'll make a fine son.

Of course, first we must be married.

Naturally, darling. I'm very old-fashioned.

And even then, adopting as a gay couple is never easy.

-We just wanna give love. -Oh, Finn.

Oh, buttercup.

What the hell is wrong with you two?

I mean, your best friend is lying unconscious in a hospital

-and you don't even care. -Rory...

Why the hell aren't you two lying unconscious in there, huh?

-Come on. -You don't care!

Because if you did, you wouldn't be like this. You couldn't.

You're supposed to have his back.

You're supposed to watch out for each other

on these stupid trips of yours.

But no. Everything's a big joke. Everything's hilarious.

You're useless. Just go home. Both of you, go home.

I can't stand to look at you.

-Hi. -Hello.

I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm his girlfriend.

I'm Dr. Schultz.

How is he? Is he gonna be okay?

I'm sorry, but I really can't get into the specifics.

But... Well, he's out of the ICU, so that's good, right?

They wouldn't have moved him up here unless he was recovering.

Sorry, really.

But he's had surgery, right? Does he need more surgery?

Does he have broken bones? Because I can donate blood if you want.

Miss.

You really...

You can't tell me anything about what he has or what you've done

or what's wrong? Anything?

I'm sorry. It's hospital policy. We're doing everything we can.

Okay.

[SINGING FOLK SONG]

I will get that for you in two shakes of a Iamb's tail.

Caesar, why am I still finding bananas in the fridge?

Oh, you wanted me to take all the bananas out of the fridge?

Yes, when I said "remove the bananas," I was referring to all the bananas.

Otherwise I would have said "a banana" or "some of the bananas."

What?

It's just that while I was running the place,

that was one of my innovations.

Cold bananas. People really love them.

I highly doubt that. And get rid of those scones.

You know, that's something else I wanted to talk to you about, Luke.

-What? -Your attitude.

See, while I was running the place,

people really responded to my sunny demeanor.

Customers find you cold and distant.

Service with a smile.

-It's a cliché for a reason. -Yeah?

Look, Caesar, I don't want to improve things,

and I don't wanna stop being cold to the customers.

I just want you to keep my damn bananas out of the damn fridge

and I wanna keep my damn donuts in the damn donut case.

Can you do that for me?

-Of course, Luke. -Thank you.

Customers don't care for gratuitous profanity, either.

[SIGHING]

Thank God, someone sane.

-Hello, weary traveler. -It's good to be back.

You look older, wiser.

Well, I did spend a lot of time squinting at historical documents.

That's what it is, Constitution face. Hi, Patty.

Well, I brought you something.

Did you steal me the Constitution?

'Cause that could be the start of a really dumb movie.

It's from Amish country. These little Amish girls hand-make them.

It's adorable. Look, Patty, an Amish voodoo doll.

I love it.

Hey, Luke, I'm still waiting on my cold banana.

We don't serve cold bananas.

It's not a voodoo doll. It's just a doll.

The Amish don't put faces on their dolls or pins in them.

Oh, well, it's my doll now.

What the Amish don't know won't hurt them.

Unless, of course, I want to hurt them.

It's yours to do with what you will.

So, you seem surprisingly rested, after all you've been through.

Yeah. The kids were okay.

They seemed to like me, unless they were all lying.

Kids never lie.

And April and I finally got into a good rhythm.

She was tolerating me pretty good at the end.

-Good. -And guess what?

It's her birthday tomorrow, and I'm throwing her a party.

You're kidding. How did that happen?

Well, I was dropping her off this morning,

and her mom mentioned to me

that she was taking her to her grandmother's to celebrate,

and she couldn't swing a party here with her friends, so I figured,

I know her friends now, I got a great place to hold a party.

-Yeah? Where? -Here.

-Oh. -So, anyhow, there you go.

Look at you. You're diving into fatherhood.

I'm doing my best.

So, tomorrow, huh? You prepared for all that?

-Sure. Why? -Well, if you need a consultant,

I have thrown some rocking preteen parties in my time.

Of course, I didn't have a deep fryer, but...

I think I can handle it. I'll put up some decorations.

I've ordered some balloons. I got a great cake place.

-There'll be presents. -All good.

I'm just saying that Rory's birthday scavenger hunt of 1998

is still talked about in hushed, reverent tones.

Is that the one where all the kids ended up at Taylor's at 11:00 at night,

stealing stuff out of his fridge?

[SHUSHING] Hushed, reverent tones.

Yeah, I've got it all under control.

Excuse me.

What can I get you, Kirk?

How about a steaming cup of chicory coffee?

-It's not on the menu, Kirk. -I know. It's on the sign.

That's a mistake.

Well, now all I can think about is chicory coffee.

I'm very susceptible to signage.

Well, come back when you're susceptible to ordering off the menu.

You want anything?

"How about a nice plate of chicken fingers?"

Why don't I start you off with some coffee?

No, thanks. I'm kind of coffee-ed out.

Oh, right. Battling the hangover.

Oh. Did I mention my hangover?

No. Patty filled me in, you know.

The tequila shots, you taking the mike.

Taking the mike.

Yeah, I really didn't know what I was saying.

Just empty, meaningless words, you know, tumbling out of my mouth.

I hear you really belted it out.

Belted it out?

Endless Love.

The song, honey.

Oh, yeah.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, yes, I really belted it out.

Is there any other way to sing Endless Love?

You know, if you're not gonna really belt it out,

you might as well just stay in your seat.

PATTY: She sang it beautifully.

Well, everybody does embarrassing stuff at weddings.

Yeah, right, true.

Be right back.

Okay, I've already gotten to the whole town,

and they're all telling the Endless Love story.

He'll never know.

-Oh, thanks. I owe you, Patty. -Oh, honey, please.

I've given more drunken toasts than Colin Farrell.

-You owe me nothing. -Thanks, Patty.

That Luke.

It may take a mule team,

but you're getting him to the altar someday.

Yeah. Someday.

[SIGHING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

What?

-Paris? -Larry Summers was right, Rory.

Our university system is crumbling. Did you know that?

-Paris... -I just found out my microbiology final

is an open-book exam.

Can you believe that? I mean, why have us take the test at all?

Why not just have our professors take it for us?

Or better yet, they could just hand us our diplomas

the moment we step on campus freshman year,

along with some government cheese, a bong,

and a T-shirt that says, "Hard work is for suckers."

Paris, I'm at the hospital with Logan.

Why? What happened?

He and his buddies went on some stupid Life and Death Brigade trip

and they parachuted off a cliff in Costa Rica and he had a really bad fall.

-Is he okay? -I don't know.

He's out of the ICU, so I guess that's a good thing.

They said he's in serious but stable condition.

But they won't tell me anything else because I'm not family.

-Is he breathing on his own? -Yeah. I mean, I think so.

Well, what's his pallor? Is he peaked? Was there internal bleeding?

I have no idea.

I quickly scribbled down some things off his chart.

You're pre-med. Can I read it to you? Maybe you can make some sense of it.

Forget it. I don't know how to read charts yet.

I can tell you everything you wanna know about the difference

between recessive and dominant eye color genes in fruit flies,

but God forbid I learn how to read a chart

before I'm a fourth-year surgical resident.

-Great. -What hospital is he in?

Columbia Presbyterian, Manhattan.

-Who's the attending? -Paris, it doesn't matter.

They're not gonna release information to non-family.

-Just give me the name. -Dr. Schultz.

-I'll call you right back. -Paris.

Miss, please.

That language is simply not necessary!

It's about Logan Huntzberger.

This is Dr. Schultz.

No, that's not possible.

You wouldn't do that! Listen, miss...

Fine.

Okay.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

-Hello? -Here's the deal.

He was bleeding internally when they brought him in

and they were worried about the oxygen levels in his blood,

but he's stabilized now and they're back up to normal,

so that's no longer a concern.

He was also running a high fever,

so they put him on Mondo doses of intravenous antibiotics.

-He has a partially collapsed lung... -Oh, my God!

Six broken ribs, a broken ankle, torn cartilage in both knees

and a severe concussion.

He had surgery for the lung and that went well.

They did a thoracoscopy,

which is a couple of small incisions in the chest,

and they put a tube into the lung to drain the fluid from the pleural space

so the lung can re-expand.

That's way less invasive than a thoracotomy,

which is a similar operation, but for that one,

they have to butterfly you like a shrimp.

-And that's it. -So what does this mean?

It means he's out of immediate danger.

He's young and healthy

and they expect him to make a full recovery.

Really? Like, a full recovery? Like, he's going to recover fully?

That's what the doctor told me.

He'll need some rehab. He won't be running, dancing

or jumping off a cliff anytime soon, but yeah, he should be fine.

He's a very lucky guy. He could have died. Those guys are idiots.

-Wow. -Yeah.

Thank you so much for this.

-Really, Paris, thank you. -It was fun.

-Anything else? -No. I feel a lot better.

-Call me if you need anything else. -I will.

-So, you all shopped out? -I got a couple more stores in me.

You know, you would make the best sherpa.

And the hottest.

You could move to Nepal, open your own hot sherpa shop and make a fortune.

This is fun for me. Besides, I like to

think I have some influence on what you buy.

-You do? -I don't?

-No. -Yes, I do.

-No, you don't. -I do.

-You don't. -But you're always asking my opinion.

Yeah, but it's the way I ask.

"Isn't this adorable?" Or, "This isn't right, right?"

You know? I'll put your answer right there in the question.

Oh.

I will say, I do always like to buy one thing that you like that I don't

just 'cause I know it makes you happy. Like that blouse.

You don't like that? I thought you liked that.

Not really. But I liked how much you liked it, so I bought it.

Huh!

And I will wear it, because I know that every time I do,

you'll notice and appreciate it and that'll make me feel so good.

And then because I feel so good, I'll start wearing it more and more

and I'll eventually really grow to like it

and I'll forget that I didn't really like it in the first place and...

Oh, holy crap, you've picked out all my favorite clothes.

I knew it.

Hey, what do you think of that?

-What? -The toiletry kit.

What? And throw away the five-year-old Dixie cup

you use to hold your toothbrush? It's historical.

I mean as a birthday present for April.

-April who? -Come on, it's cute.

Yeah, I don't think it's quite right.

Well, it's girly. It's got cats on it.

-Oh, well, if it's got cats on it... -April likes cats.

Yeah, but it's a toiletry kit. It's so hygienic.

I saw her use soap on the trip.

Yeah? Did you see her tie her shoelaces? 'Cause you could get her shoelaces.

I think she'll like it.

Luke, it's weird.

It says, "Happy birthday, now go clean yourself up."

If she doesn't like it, I'll get her a follow-up gift.

Why not just get her the perfect gift right upfront?

Well, why couldn't that be the perfect gift? You don't know.

I know girls. It's not the right gift.

Hey, you know, there's a store a few blocks down that has great stuff.

I could take you there and show you 50 things I know she'd like.

Some of them may even have cats on them.

I think I'm gonna get that.

Come on, Luke, I can really help you here.

I'm not saying you can't. I know you're an expert,

but I need to do this.

Then do it. I'm just saying, let me be part of it.

No.

-Why? -Because it's too soon.

Why is it too soon?

Because the minute you get involved in her life, it'll be all over for me.

-What? That's ridiculous. -No, it's not ridiculous.

You're colorful and funny. You're practically a cartoon character.

Kids love you.

I wouldn't wanna hang out with me, either, after meeting you.

-Luke! -She'll like you better.

That is just a fact.

-No, you're her dad. -Yes, I am her dad.

And this is the way I want it to be.

-Okay. -I'll be a couple of minutes.

I'll be right here.

So you've got my cell phone if there's any problem.

I've got your cell number, your store number,

your store fax number, your home numbers.

-You are 100% reachable. -Good.

And, hey, thanks again for letting me do this.

Oh, please. She's excited about this.

Plus, your chaperoning got rave reviews.

-Really? -April said you were by far

the least embarrassing parent on the trip.

Good. That's good, right?

It's a rave. Her friends call you Hagrid.

Really? Hagrid? Wow.

I don't know what that means.

He's a character from Harry Potter.

Very big, very hairy, very lovable.

It's a huge compliment.

Oh, I will take your word for it.

So, I'm gonna go now.

Have fun and I'll talk to you later tonight.

Will do.

-I'm going, April. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye, Mom.

-That was from the heart. -Totally.

Bye again.

And the diner looks really great.

I was here when you opened it, remember?

I remember.

-Bye. -Bye.

Okay, can I get everyone's attention for a moment here?

Just go ahead and pull your chairs around so everyone can see me.

-Is this a game? -No, no games right now. Just gather.

All right. I'm Luke. Hi. Some of you know me. I'm April's dad.

[ALL CHEERING]

So, before we get the party started,

I just wanted to lay down some ground rules,

some simple dos and don'ts,

so that everybody has a good time and goes home in one piece.

Okay, so this is the party area.

You are to remain in the party area at all times.

The kitchen is strictly off-limits.

Under no circumstances are you to enter the kitchen.

It's incredibly dangerous back there.

One turn of the wrong dial, you could burn your face off.

And I've got so many knives back there,

you so much as trip, you could lose an arm,

you could chop off a bunch of fingers, you could poke out an eye.

And do not go upstairs. That is not part of the party area.

Everyone must remain in the party area at all times.

And finally, do not go outside.

I will not give anybody permission to go outside, okay?

-Are we clear? -All right.

-Okay, sure. -Yes, sir.

Well, good. Then, that's all I've got. So have fun.

Uh-huh.

Is he serious?

[GIRLS MURMURING]

-Is that our Web site? -It is.

-What happened to it? -I made some modifications.

It's just a big picture of you.

Well, I figured since I'm the one who put the Web site together

and I'm the one continuously updating the Web site,

then I should be featured prominently on the Web site.

Featured, sure. But where's the inn? All I see is your face.

But if you want to hear about the inn, you click on my mouth, see?

MICHEL: [ON COMPUTER] Hello. Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn.

And if you want pictures of the inn, you click on my eyes.

And if you want to post something about the inn, you click on my ears.

Clever, no?

-You wanna argue about this now or later? -Later. I'm having too much fun.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oy.

-Hello? -It's me.

Hey! How is he?

Well, I'm told he's going to be fine, but he looks awful

and he's been unconscious the whole time I've been here.

-It's really scary. -What happened?

He basically jumped off a cliff and his parachute barely opened.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah.

He has six broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a broken ankle,

contusions over a third of his body and a concussion.

Wow. Who else is there? What other family?

Well, Colin and Finn were here for a while,

but none of his family's here.

How'd you get all that information?

I thought they only allowed family members to...

-Paris. -God love her.

I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner. I got your messages.

I've just been so overwhelmed.

I'm just glad to hear from you.

Is there anything I can do? Anything you need?

It's been a while since I've sent out a care package.

You could be up to your eyeballs in Mad Libs, Silly String, malted milk balls.

No, I'm good.

Colin and Finn went back to New Haven to get some stuff for me.

I think I'm just gonna hang out here for a while.

Logan is awake, if you wanna see him.

Oh, Mom, Logan's awake.

Okay. Call me if there's anything you need.

-Thanks. Bye. -Bye.

-Hey. -Hey.

You're awake.

Or hallucinating. Pretty good hallucination.

Oh, you're awake.

I must look like crap.

Well, now I know why you never let me see you without your makeup on.

I guess maybe base jumping with very little preparation

wasn't the hottest idea.

But you're going to be fine. You're gonna make a full recovery.

Hey, RoboCop made a full recovery. Look where that led him.

This is the best hospital in the city,

and the best hospital in New York City

is basically the best hospital in the country,

and that's basically the best hospital in the world.

So, all in all, you're in the best place you could be,

all things considered.

[GROANING]

Hey, what do you think you're doing? Lay down.

[SIGHING]

I'm really sorry about this.

-It's okay. -No, it's not okay. I was showing off.

I knew it wasn't safe on that cliff.

I was so drunk, I was lucky I pulled my chute at all.

But you're going to be fine.

And I will be here as long as you want me to be.

I've already located the gift shop

and the good cafeteria, "good" being a relative term,

and the maternity ward in case I wanna play a little practical joke,

swap the newborns around.

What about the paper? School?

I have my laptop. I can stay on top of my schoolwork

and Bill can run the paper for a while.

I don't want you to fall behind or miss too many classes.

You've already got more than enough to do without having to sit here.

Logan, just relax. Get some rest.

I'll be here.

I'm glad.

So how are we doing? We having fun?

Marcia, you have to discard.

I know, but you only need one card, and I don't wanna give it to you.

What makes you think I only need one card?

Oh, please. You pick up a card and discard, like, every half-second. It's so obvious.

Well, it's my birthday. Why don't you just give me the stupid card I want?

Hey, how do you think the temperature is?

It's fine, I guess.

Are you cold? Maybe it's too cold in here.

How many people are cold? Huh?

Anyone too warm?

Okay, well, good to know.

-Luke? -Yeah?

Can I go to the bathroom?

Of course. You don't have to ask permission to go to the bathroom.

But it's in the restricted area. I could lose a finger.

Oh, well, the bathroom is not part of the restricted area.

I didn't mean to include that.

Does anyone else have to go to the bathroom?

Oh, well, all right. Well, let's line up.

Okay?

You can use the bathroom one at a time. Laura, you first.

Thank you.

I'll be right out. I just have to check on something in the back.

GIRL: So bad.

[PHONE RINGING]

Dragonfly Inn.

-It's a disaster. -What?

The party. It's a total disaster.

A disaster? Why?

Nothing's happening. It's like a funeral hall in there.

I didn't know 13-year-old girls could be so unhappy.

-Where are you? I don't hear anything. -I'm in the storage room.

I come in here and hide a lot.

And leaving them unsupervised?

Well, there's a peephole here I can see out of.

You're peeping at the girls from the storage room?

I do not have time for any weird jokes.

Okay, what are they doing?

Well, April was playing cards.

Some of the others were reading and playing video games.

But at the moment, they're all just standing in line,

waiting to go to the bathroom.

You didn't plan any activities?

It's a birthday party. I thought that was the activity.

Oh, Luke.

Hey, is it normal for kids to fall asleep at a birthday party?

-Luke, listen. Are you listening? -Yes.

Go upstairs and get your clock radio.

Why? So we can watch the minutes of the world's worst birthday party

tick off one by one?

No. Go get it, bring it downstairs, and put on some music.

KC101. I'll be right over.

-You're coming here? -Just stall for time.

I have some things to finish up and then I'll come over.

-If it's okay. -What?

-Is it okay that I come over? -Yes, Lorelai, come. Hurry.

Okay, I'll hurry.

Hurry faster. They might start leaving or something.

Okay, bye.

Hey.

So it got worse after we hung up.

-You get the radio? -No, I forgot the radio part was broken.

And then the buzzer alarm went off at one point.

There was a slight up-tick in the mood, but that didn't last long.

-I think it's too late. -It's not too late.

I swear I heard the word "mutiny" bandied around in there.

-It's not too late. Let's get in there. -But where's the stuff?

-What stuff? -The party stuff.

Oh, my God. I left the circus elephants in my car and I didn't crack a window.

But seriously, where's the party stuff?

Come on. Follow my lead.

Hey, everybody! I'm Lorelai Gilmore.

Thank you so much for your patience. I'm really glad you guys waited

to start the party until I got here.

Oh, that's okay, Lorelai. We didn't mind, right, girls?

Great. Okay, let's get this party started.

-Where's the birthday girl? -Here.

April Nardini, front and center.

You know, I met you briefly. You were filling salt and pepper shakers.

I remember. You were dressed in all black and you had really blue eyes.

They're not quite as blue today,

but I think that's just a light thing.

These irises are all-natural, baby.

All right, everybody, line up single file behind us.

Oh, we already went to the bathroom.

Oh, I know. This is gonna be so much better.

Now, take the hand of the person in front of you

and the person in back of you.

Luke, you pull up the rear. I'll take the lead.

Sure. What is this?

Just follow me, everybody.

No matter what, do not let go of either hand.

We're not allowed to go outside.

-Or in the kitchen. -Or anywhere else.

-What? -You are now, girls.

We got new rules.

-Should we bring our stuff? -No, leave it. We'll be back.

All right, everybody try to walk at the same pace.

If you step on somebody's heels, you could break an ankle.

And watch out for the traffic. Not just cars, but bikes.

People in this town ride their bikes like maniacs.

-LORELAI: Luke! -Sorry.

Check for traffic.

Well, we checked. And go!

-Where are we going? -No idea.

Serpentine, girls! Serpentine!

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

LUKE: Is this wise, to serpentine?

No!

[WHOOPING]

Come on.

-ALLISON: Hi, Lorelai! -Hi.

-LESLIE: Hi, Lorelai! -Hi.

Hi, girls.

All right, I'd like you to meet the birthday girl.

-Hi, April. Happy birthday. -Happy birthday.

-Hello. -Oh, you are adorable.

All right, girls. I want you each to take a basket and fill it up.

I want you to pick anything you want, because today we're getting makeovers.

These two ladies are here to help you in any way you need.

-That's Allison and Leslie. -Hi.

Nice to meet you.

On your mark, get set, and shop!

You're a genius.

Well, 13-year-old girls and makeup. It's like betting on Secretariat.

Never in a million years would I have thought of something like this.

That's why I'm the yin to your yang, the Emack to your Bolio.

-Hey, who wants hot pink highlights? -Me!

-Me, too! -Oh, my God!

I hate that you're cutting your honeymoon short.

It's okay.

With Mom flaking out, I don't wanna be here anymore.

We've got seats on a flight going out tonight,

but it's got a five-hour layover in Ankara,

so we're still trying to find something more direct.

Either way, we should be there sometime tomorrow night.

Okay.

So have you heard anything more from your dad?

Yeah, I just talked to him.

-Is he coming down here? -Nope.

He's out of town, too?

-No, he's home. He's just not coming. -What?

It's the whole Life and Death Brigade thing. He's very against it.

But he was in the Life and Death Brigade.

Yes, but he feels that he knew when to grow up and accept responsibility

and that Logan doesn't.

He wanted his precious boy done with that by now, so he's boycotting.

He's boycotting his injured son? Logan had emergency surgery.

Hypocrisy runs very deep in the Huntzberger family.

Anyhow, forget it. I'm sure Logan isn't expecting him.

Okay, so I'll call later when I've more flight information.

Okay. Bye.

Mitchum Huntzberger? Yes, it's Rory Gilmore.

I just thought I'd call and remind you that Logan is lying in a hospital bed

with a partially collapsed lung

and a whole host of other potentially life-threatening injuries.

And I'm figuring a guy like you,

surrounded by nothing but a bunch of terrified sycophants,

might not have someone in his life

with the guts to tell him what an incredibly selfish,

narcissistic ass he's being, so I thought I'd jump on in.

Swallow your pride, get in your car, and come down here and see your son.

Now!

-That looks excellent. -Love this.

Marcia, fabulous. You look like Sophia Loren.

I was going for Vanessa Minnillo on MTV.

I love her music.

She's a VJ.

No, well, you didn't let me finish. I love her music video introductions.

You know, she's so smooth and classy.

-Luke, more chips here. -Coming.

Lorelai, check this out.

Cool. Your eyes have eyes.

-Freaky, right? -Yes. You could fall asleep in class

and no one would know.

Lorelai!

Oh, April, you look beautiful.

Leslie says I have excellent bone structure.

Yes, well, I agree with her.

So it's not weird when someone compliments your skull?

No. A woman takes any compliment that comes her way.

Got it. Hey, did you do that glitter heart on your cheek?

Happens to be my handiwork, yeah. You want one?

-Yes. -All right. Sit, sit.

What color would you like?

Pink? Blue? Purple? Fluorescent green?

Purple. I'm obsessed with purple.

Probably because I'm obsessed with Harold and the Purple Crayon.

I know I'm too old, but it's still, like, one of my all-time favorite books.

That's okay.

I'm too old for US Weekly. Never stopped me.

-So you have a daughter, right? -Yes. Rory.

That's good. You'd be wasted on a son.

I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

It is. You know, you remind me of my mom.

Oh. She handy with the glitter?

She painted a mural on my wall in nail polish one night.

That's cool.

I think you'd like her.

-All right. You're all done. -Thanks.

Oh, my God. That is so cool. I love it.

-Thanks, Marcia. -You're welcome.

-She's loving her presents. -I know.

-Okay, how about this one? -It's from your dad.

Yeah, open it.

You know, you don't have to open up all your presents right away.

You could maybe save a few and open them tomorrow,

sort of extend the experience.

Bad idea, Hagrid.

I don't wanna extend the experience.

GIRL: Open it.

Wait, is that my gift?

Says it's from Luke.

The New Way Things Work? I was gonna get this!

And a gift certificate to the Discovery Store. Thanks, Luke!

-Cool. -I love it!

-Thank you so much! -You're welcome.

-Thank you. -My pleasure.

You know what would really push this party over the top?

-What? -If we made it into a sleepover.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

You've got sleeping bags and blankets.

Plus, I still got Jess's bed. We could stick a couple of them on that.

Why don't you ask the birthday girl if she wants to do that?

Hey, April, come here a sec.

What's up?

How would you feel about making this a slumber party?

-Really? -Really.

Do you guys wanna sleep over?

-Yeah! -So really cool.

Great. First off, we gotta call all your parents

to see if it's okay with them. Okay, so, with that in mind,

why don't we form a single-file line behind here to the phone?

Okay.

Or you could use your own, I guess.

[GIRLS CHATTERING]

Hey, so, I think I'm gonna take off.

-What? No. Stay. You gotta stay. -You sure?

It's a slumber party. You're the slumber party expert.

What does Hagrid know about slumber parties?

It wouldn't be weird? The two of us sleeping here together?

No, you and the girls can sleep upstairs. I'll figure something out.

-You sure? -Yeah, absolutely.

You have to stay. April would want that.

Okay, I'll stay.

The movie's all ready to go.

Okay, thanks, Kirk.

I just need it back for the Weinstein retirement party.

Mel Weinstein's a nut for John Hughes movies.

Okay.

All right, girls,

you're about to meet someone very special to me.

Her name is Molly Ringwald. Now, I know you don't know who that is,

but suffice it to say, she is my generation's Audrey Hepburn.

And I know you don't know who that is, either,

but trust me, you're gonna love her.

And yes, that is the guy from Two and a Half Men. All right. Enjoy.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN]

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

GIRLS: [CHANTING] Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

I mean, I forgot how much fun it could be just to put makeup on, you know?

It's become so pragmatic, such drudgery.

It's like all we use it for now is to look better.

And why would the two of us ever need to look better?

Exactly. I mean, whatever happened to the questionably attractive glories

of Wet 'n' Wild blue eye shadow or crimping irons?

Remember Sun-In and Aquanet and Boone Belle Lip Smackers?

Oh, I used to love Boone Belle Lip Smackers.

Well, who doesn't love a lip gloss that doubles as a necklace?

And they smelled so great.

Except once I had the chocolate fudge flavored one,

and in study hall, Trevor Fink ate the whole thing,

and then he threw it up all over my copy of The Red Badge of Courage.

Yeah, well, we all had a Trevor Fink in our lives.

So it sounds like the party was great.

It was a great party and a major breakthrough.

April's awesome. I think she liked me.

-I bet she loved you. -We bonded.

And hopefully, this means that things will change and I won't have to hide.

-Good. -Yeah.

Luke just needed that time and space, you know?

And in hindsight, I think it was good for him.

And I'm really glad I let him have it.

-You were incredibly patient. -I was.

Incredibly patient, while at the same time incredibly impatient.

You're a complicated woman.

I am. Yes, I try to deny it, but there it is.

I'm kind of sad I wasn't at the party.

I feel like I missed out.

I thought you might feel that way,

so I brought you some leftovers. Boone Bell Lip Smackers, anyone?

-No! -Yes.

We've got original, glitter gloss,

Grape Crush and Dr. Pepper.

I feel like I'm 15 again!

Jackson's so getting under my bra tonight.

Oh, my God!

Luke, there's some glitter on my pancakes.

Oh, sorry about that. Let me fix that up for you.

Wasn't any glitter in the food when I was running the place.

And cut up one of those cold bananas, will you?

Excuse me, is Luke around?

Yeah, he's here. He's always here.

Oh, hey, Anna. How are you?

Can we talk in private?

Sure, this way. Caesar, I'm gonna take a couple minutes.

Whatever.

So, what's up?

-I can't believe you did this. -Did what?

You said you wanted to throw her a party, Luke. You.

-I know. I did. -No.

You had your girlfriend throw her a party.

A girlfriend I don't even know. A girlfriend I've never even met.

-This is not our agreement. -Whoa, wait a minute.

I did throw the party. Lorelai was just helping out.

-Helping out? -Yes.

April said you spent the night downstairs.

Yeah, well, I spent the night in the storage room.

I thought it'd be a little weird if I was...

So when you were in the storage room, your girlfriend was upstairs with the girls?

Well, yeah.

How am I supposed to explain that to the other girls' parents?

How am I supposed to tell them that I left their kids all alone

with a woman I've never even met?

-Who does that? -I'm sorry.

I didn't think that it was gonna cause...

If I can't trust you, Luke, this arrangement is not gonna work.

April is not a sweater that you're borrowing.

She's my kid. I have to know where she is and who she's with, always.

I know. I'm sorry. You can trust me. I swear.

You know what? I am too mad. I can't even look at you.

Anna!

-Hello? -Kitchen.

Thank God. I am so nutrition-deprived.

All I've eaten in the last two days is cake, candy, cookies

and about 10 pounds of flavored lip gloss.

-Hi. -Well, then, let's eat.

Good.

Now, do you wanna be civilized and eat off plates

or just right out of the containers? I know you don't approve,

but I think there's some sort of origami thing happening with these containers

that makes the food taste better in them.

It's like feng shui for noodles.

And I'm not just saying that because I'm lazy

and I don't wanna have any cleanup. That's only part of it.

Out of the containers is fine.

Righteous.

[SIGHING]

You okay?

Anna came by the diner.

Why? What's up?

She's mad. She's really mad.

-What about? -The party.

Well, the party was a smash.

About you being at the party. She says she feels betrayed

because I let you throw April a birthday party

even though she's never met you.

But you were there the whole time. We both threw the party.

I know. I told her that. But I left you alone with them all night

and didn't clear it with her first. She's really mad about that.

It's not your fault. I should have seen this coming.

I was stupid. I didn't think it through.

-I'm sorry. -Yeah. Me, too.

I brought some beer, but I left it in the truck. Be right back.

Cool.

Hey.

So, my dad just left.

I saw.

I still can't believe that he actually

visited. And he was only moderately hostile,

slightly condescending, and no more self-centered than usual.

Well, it's good that he came. Good for him.

Are you feeling any better?

I am. Of course, that could have something to do with the 27 different medications

they have me jacked up on.

I checked with the doctor. It's mostly cough syrup and baby aspirin.

What's wrong? I'm feeling better.

What?

-I'm sorry. -About what?

About letting you go on this trip. I should have stopped you.

I was just so busy being mad at you. I didn't think I was trying to punish you,

but I was trying to punish you.

-No, Rory. -I should have stopped you.

Hey, you couldn't have stopped me. A team of psychiatrists

with tranquilizer guns couldn't have stopped me.

I was going, no matter what. It's my fault.

Do not feel guilty about this.

I just sent you out that door. I didn't even care. I was so cold.

I just... I could have lost you.

-You didn't lose me. -But I could have, though.

Look, I'm the one screwing things up with us here, not you.

I'm sorry you're in the hospital right now. I'm sorry about all of this.

I don't know what's going on with me, but I'll get better, okay?

Things will calm down. I just need you to bear with me, okay?

Okay?

Okay.

You okay there?

Sorry. Spreadsheets. Bane of my existence.

Combines my hatred of math with my fear of little, tiny boxes.

Well, little, tiny boxes can be scary.

Unless, of course, they contain big diamond earrings.

I hear you.

-Feel free to look around. -Thanks.

-Have you been in here before? -No, first time. It's lovely. Great stuff.

Thank you.

All the hanging clothes over there are 20% off.

Some of my favorite stuff, but come March 1st,

I can't sell a sweater to save my life.

Okay, I'll check it out.

You looking for anything in particular?

Yeah. You, actually. I'm Lorelai Gilmore. I'm Luke's fiancée.

Oh.

I wanted to apologize for the party. It was my fault.

It just wasn't exactly what I was expecting.

I know, and I'm to blame for that, not Luke.

It wasn't his idea.

He was having a little trouble getting the party going,

and I may have thrown myself into it a little too much.

I just thought that we should meet

so you could see you really have nothing to worry about.

She's a 13-year-old girl. I always have something to worry about.

Well, yeah, of course. But I meant in regards to me.

Look, I'm sure you're a great person.

I am. I have references.

But I'm a single mom here.

I can't play fast and loose with the people in my kid's life.

I completely understand. I'm a single mom myself.

Okay, then you get it. I mean, what if April decided she likes you?

What if she becomes attached to you?

What if you become her best friend in the entire world?

And then, one day, you just disappear.

Well, that's not gonna happen.

You don't know that.

You can't guarantee that, and I can't take that chance.

When it comes to my daughter, I have to have rules. Hard and fast rules.

And I would never dream of violating any of those rules, believe me.

April never meets any man I date unless I've dated him for years.

I totally get that.

So, basically, until I'm ready to get married again,

she doesn't meet any of the men I date.

-Right. -For all she knows, I'm a nun.

Yeah. I went through a Sister Wendy phase myself once.

I want her to have stability.

Right. But Luke and I, we are engaged. We are stable.

Engaged isn't married. People get engaged all the time.

Look, this is not something casual, Luke and me.

This is not something we're rushing into by any means.

This has been a long time coming. A long time. This is real.

That's wonderful. I'm really happy for you, but that doesn't change anything.

Luke just came into April's life. I'm still nervous about that.

He's not a kid guy, never has been, and she's getting very attached.

I need to know he's sticking around first.

And then when you're married, we'll deal with that then.

I'm not trying to be a hard-ass here. April's my world.

I don't know if my way is the right way. I just have to go with my gut.

This is how I wanna do it.

You said you're a single mom.

I have a daughter, just like you.

You get where I'm coming from at all?

I really do.

Anyway, thank you for hearing me out.

-Sure. It's no problem. -Okay.

Hey, if it makes you feel better, she had a really great time at that party.

I'm glad.