All language subtitles for Gilmore Girls - S06E18 - The Real Paul Anka.eng

-Hey, you.
-Okay, so, weird dream.

Weird, weird dream.

Weirder than the one where
you step into a boxing ring

and your hands are
suddenly giant cream puffs?

-LORELAI: Weirder. Scarier.
-Let's hear it.

Well, I was home and I was
finishing up my usual morning routine.

You know, coffee, shower,
and then, picture this, very weird,

I take Paul Anka for a walk.

RORY: You walk Paul Anka
every day. What's weird about that?

LORELAI: Not the dog Paul
Anka. The real Paul Anka.

-Whoa!
-Yeah.

-Was he nice?
-Very pleasant. Natty dresser.

Then suddenly,
he sees something,

a cat or something, and darts
right into the middle of the street.

-The real Paul Anka?
-The dog Paul Anka.

So, I call him and call him,
but he completely ignores me

and runs right into
Doose's Market.

You know, you didn't
train him well enough.

Too much affection,
not enough discipline.

So, I go after him into Doose's,
and apparently, he's got a job there.

-The dog Paul Anka?
-The real Paul Anka.

You picked yourself some
beautiful cucumbers, Mrs. Clancy.

You have the cucumber eye.

So I run out of Doose's, and
I'm approaching Luke's apartment,

I guess to get
help or something,

and I'm walking to
the door, and I open it,

and there's Paul Anka, in front of a
microphone, giving a little concert.

-The real Paul Anka?
-The dog Paul Anka.

RORY: Couldn't have been happy,
you interrupting his show like that.

He didn't notice. So I
go down to the diner,

and there, Io and behold, is
Paul Anka, sitting on Babette's lap.

RORY: Please don't tell me it
was... LORELAI: The real Paul Anka.

Good boy. Who's a good boy?

-This is crazy.
-Coming to the end.

So the real Paul
Anka looks outside

and there, sitting in
the middle of the street,

staring at him,
is dog Paul Anka.

So, real Paul Anka gets
up and runs out of Luke's.

They're both in the street now.

Real Paul Anka walking
toward dog Paul Anka,

dog Paul Anka
toward real Paul Anka.

You can sense that something very
bad is about to happen when, suddenly,

they meet in the middle
of the street and bam,

an otherworldly white
light engulfs the whole town,

[EXPLOSION]

And there's a loud explosion and
two barks and everything goes dark.

-And?
-And then I woke up.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-So, I guess I was wondering

if you'd heard anything
about a small Connecticut town

being sucked up into
an evil demon vortex

or cast into the fourth
dimension or anything?

-Nope.
-Real Paul Anka's still kicking?

Haven't heard otherwise.
Check your hands?

-No cream puffs.
-I think you're good to start your day.

-Thanks, hon.
-Anytime.

Bye.

You're gonna do fine.

-Says you.
-And everybody else.

You know the place
backwards and forwards, Caesar.

-You never been gone this long.
-You're gonna do fine.

-Stop saying that. It's bad luck.
-All right. Then you're gonna stink.

You're gonna blow up the stove
and give everybody salmonella.

Why do you say that?

Because if it's bad
luck to say good things,

it's good luck to
say bad things.

-You're rooting for me to fail.
-I am not rooting for you to fail.

-Lorelai, tell him he's gonna do great.
-And jinx it for him? No way.

-Thank you.
-You're both nuts.

I could run the place
if you want, Luke.

Let me search down to
the very depth of my being

to see if there's even the slightest
inclination that I would want that.

-Nope.
-Just checking.

-What's that?
-I brought it over last night.

I figured you'd need
it for hanging stuff.

I'm not bringing hanging stuff.

Well, you should bring some
nice clothes, just in case.

I threw in some slacks
and your black jacket.

It's a field trip with a
bunch of 12-year-olds.

-I'm not gonna need nicer stuff.
-Just in case.

It's 10 days of diners and fast food,
nothing requiring slacks or jackets.

See, that's what the
phrase "just in case" covers.

The times you think you've
anticipated every possible need.

All right, I'll bring it.

You know there was a flash
flood in El Salvador last night?

No, my Salvadoran
paper didn't come today.

-They didn't see it coming.
-That's the "flash" part of "flash flood."

So, what do I do if I see a flash
flood coming straight at the diner?

Make sure all the
customers have settled up.

It's all a big joke to you.

-So you're taking this, huh?
-Well, the old one's a mess.

What? You don't think I should?

No, it's just... Think
it's sturdy enough?

Yeah, I think it should be.

Well, it's always
best to take something

that a gorilla can jump up
and down on and not wreck.

I don't think a gorilla has
tested it, but if it busts,

-I'll just pick up something on the road.
-That'll work.

All right, I should get going.

Ana's stuck at the
house until I pick up April.

Well, let's get you on the road.

It's good timing, too.
Caesar's in the back.

Sure you don't wanna
reconsider my offer?

I've got a hairnet on me,
so I can start immediately.

Offer declined.

-You take that. I'll take this.
-Perfect.

Oh! Oops.

Hold up! Wait, wait!

-He's unstoppable.
-He's cute.

We need to confirm
your itinerary.

As we've done 1,000 times
before? Sure. Let's confirm it.

-Today's the kids' math contest in Newark.
-Yep.

In my day, you learned two
plus two and you stayed home.

Today, they got contests
and go on the road,

like they're Metallica
or something.

And then tomorrow
night's Philadelphia.

-Did I tell you we're dropping in on Jess?
-Jess? No.

Yeah. This place he works,

they put out this zine and
books and whatever else.

They're having an open
house. I'm taking April.

It'll give Jess a chance
to meet his little cousin.

Oh. Sounds great.

-So, anywhere in the back?
-Anywhere's fine.

Hey, day six, if your cell dies,

is there a phone in
Gettysburg I can reach you at?

Yeah, the one Grant used to
call Lincoln. Number's in the book.

Good, he's a funnyman
today. He's Jerry Lewis.

Caesar, calm down.
You're gonna do great.

You're the best
cook Luke's ever had.

You so make better
pancakes than he does.

-True.
-No, he doesn't.

You just have to be confident.

It's just that when I'm working the
grill, sometimes I get a locked elbow,

and Luke's the only one who knows
how to rub it, to get it working again.

-He rubs your elbow?
-It's like a sports injury.

It's okay if it's sports. You
wanna step back about three feet

-so I can say goodbye to my girl?
-Fine.

-Are you gonna miss me?
-Especially if my elbow hurts.

-I'm gonna call you a lot.
-Same here.

You know, I was happy when she
asked me, but now it just struck me,

I'm gonna spend 10 days
with a bus full of teenagers.

I think you're ready.

Thanks for seeing me off.

-Your pancakes are better, by the way.
-Thanks.

Don't worry, Luke.
Just a momentary panic.

-I'm gonna be fine, I promise.
-Good.

Now go back in there
and reclaim your turf.

Reclaim my turf?

You're welcome, dear. My
name's Kirk. I run the place.

Kirk!

I think I would recommend...

What are you doing,
Kirk? You don't work here.

KIRK: Get out...

That's my favorite hairnet!

I'm bad with names, so
help me with the names.

-You ever use mnemonic devices?
-Maybe.

They help you remember things.

Like, Curtis Schramm?
He's from Kurdistan.

-Really?
-No, he's from Detroit.

-That's a mnemonic device.
-Curtis Schramm from Kurdistan. Got it.

Jaime Alvarado?
Likes to try avocados.

May Chatsworth?
Hey, what's fat worth?

All right. Chatsworth, fat
worth, Alvarado, avocado and...

-And those are your fellow grups.
-The what?

Grownups. You never
saw the original Star Trek?

Oh, yes, grups. Yes, I did.

The one in the cords is our
math teacher, Mr. Munster.

Good guy. He's a little nerdy.

Likes to wow us with his
Chris Rock impersonation.

It's borderline racist.

Let's leave the bags here,
get the lay of the land first.

This is pretty much the land.

There must be some kind of
check-in point and protocol to follow,

so just stick with me, okay?

Or you just run on the bus.
That's a really good thing...

-Hello, there. You our pilot?
-Your what?

-Are you the driver?
-Me? No.

-I'm Luke Danes.
-Oh, you're Luke Danes.

Sorry, we thought
you were our driver.

No, no. Sorry. I, you know, I
have nicer clothes than this.

-I won't always be wearing these.
-That's okay.

I'm Earl Stepton,
this is Kelly Turlington,

and you probably know Roy
Munster here, your daughter's teacher.

Actually, no. I'm
April's new father...

I mean, not new, but
new to her, so... Hey.

-She's a bright one, your daughter.
-Go figure.

-Hey, Luke!
-Yeah?

Some people in here are
wondering who you are.

-Well, go ahead and tell them.
-That's Luke.

-So, here's the detailed itinerary.
-Lunch stops, snack stops...

-Wander time, exploring time...
-TV time.

Porn will be pre-blocked
at all our lodgings.

-Okay, so, no porn.
-Study breaks, check-in with parents...

-Bedtime hours.
-So, we go to bed at 9:00?

-The kids do. You don't have to.
-Right. But I can.

-Sure.
-Okay, great.

Shall we get on board so
they don't leave without us?

I still have my bags.

-Okay, see you on the bus.
-Okay, see you.

All right, Kelly Turlington
from Burlington,

Roy Munster's a punster...

-Hey, you.
-Hey.

-You get in late last night?
-I was studying.

-Missed my class this morning.
-Bummer.

Clock didn't go off.
Thought I set it right.

I re-set it. I had to
catch up on some sleep.

-I didn't know you set it for early.
-Honest mistake.

-Maybe we should get a second clock.
-Might be wise.

Will you be available
to grab a bite later?

Maybe.

-Can't see that far into the future?
-It's crazy right now.

-I'll check in with you later.
-We'll see how it goes.

-Have a good day.
-You, too.

[CHILDREN SINGING THE ELEMENTS]

[CHILDREN CLAPPING]

-What was all that?
-It's all the chemical elements.

At least the ones that
have come to Harvard.

Any idea what's going on here?

14201995611...

-That's Frank.
-Huge show off.

Always rubbing our faces in the fact
that he knows the first 300 digits of pi.

Of course.

-Did you bring my sweater?
-I think so.

It's important, Marcia.
I need that sweater.

-What is it, your lucky sweater?
-No, Freddy.

Is Munster gonna wear that
creepy lucky tie of his at competition?

Oh, God, I hope not.

Supposedly, there's
lucky underwear to match.

O mental image, be gone.

I heard he lives
with his mother.

I heard he plays
the trombone for fun.

He's a liar, too. He says
he was a Red Sox fan,

but he didn't even
know they traded Damon.

Really? He didn't know Damon
was with the Yankees now?

Nope.

You see Steinbrenner
made him cut his hair?

Yeah, he looks way less scary.

Yeah, less
intimidating to pitchers.

It's gonna shave 20 points
off his batting average.

-Hey, what's that kid's name?
-Freddy. His name is Freddy.

Freddy, Freddy, apple
brown Betty. Nice kid.

Yeah, well, I should study.

You got it.

Mr. and Mrs. Moore, your
horses are saddled and ready.

Now Cletus is very gentle,
but they're both sweethearts.

-Rob is outside to help you get started.
-Thank you.

Okay, have fun.

Mrs. Kim, hi.

-You let women ride horses?
-Yes.

-I have a request.
-All right.

This is a wedding dress.

It's the dress I wore when I
married Mr. Kim, 28 years ago.

Khaki with a big zipper down the middle.
Fashion is a fluctuating thing, huh?

-The dress is inside.
-Right.

I would like Lane to
wear it at her wedding.

-Oh, how nice.
-But it's a tad big.

Lane is smaller than me.

It might need a hem, and the
sleeves should be shortened.

-Makes sense.
-I would like you to alter it for Lane.

-Well, of course. I would love to.
-Lane would like that, too.

Anything for her.

Alterations should be minor.

Just take it in a little here
and there, and that should do it.

Okay. I'll give Lane a call
and bring her in for a fitting.

Not necessary. Here's her height
and arm length. That's all you need.

-All right, I'll get right on it.
-Thank you.

Do they at least ride
sidesaddle, the women?

-Yes, every single one of them.
-Good.

[GASPS]

-Paris? What's going on here?
-I just need 10 more minutes.

I took a "delete
boring answers" pass

on my interview with
Professor Whittington

and ended up with
a tidy 16-word piece.

His wife must want to
suck a tailpipe every night.

I'm putting stuff back in now.

I meant with the big
jar of disgusting insects.

They're fruit flies.

I'm finishing an important
paper on population genetics

and I have to monitor how often
Drosophila melanogaster do the nasty.

-Gross.
-Complain to God, not me.

Well, did you have to bring
them into the newsroom?

Well, I can't just
leave them home.

They could escape
and infest my apartment.

Meaning, they could escape
and infest the newsroom.

At least no one sleeps
in the newsroom.

And if they bring food
and flies get in the food,

maybe that's how they'll learn to follow
the "No Food in the Newsroom" rule.

-We don't have that rule.
-We should.

-Get them out of here.
-I need nine minutes.

-Paris.
-Eight and a half.

Come on, you want the
interview, I got to keep typing.

-Okay. Nine minutes.
-Thanks.

-Hey, chief. Got a minute?
-A minute.

-I'm a little confused about something.
-How can I help?

I was working on the
piece about textbook prices.

You assigned it to me
a couple weeks ago.

Wasn't going to earn me my Pulitzer,
but I already put a lot of work into it.

I just checked the server and noticed
that a piece on the topic's been written.

Yes. It has been.

-Our wires get crossed?
-Nope.

-Who wrote it?
-I did.

Why?

It's topical, it affects every
student. It's an important story.

I wanted to be sure
that it would get done.

It wasn't due for two more days.

-I didn't think you'd meet the deadline.
-Based on what?

Based on past performance.

Past performance is no
indication of future performance.

Wise men call that
a sucker's maxim.

I did a lot of research on this thing. I
interviewed textbook publishers, authors.

I was gonna get more
quotes from students.

I know. I used your research.
A lot of it came in handy.

-Really?
-The stuff that I could make sense out of.

Good.

Look, you'll get your byline,
if that's what this is about.

-You know that's not what this is about.
-I thought I was doing you a favor.

Everyone knew I was
assigned that piece,

and now they know it's
been taken away from me.

Logan, I'm sorry.
It's as you said,

our wires got crossed. It
happens. Let's move on.

Okay. We'll move on.

-And what's with this?
-Keep walking, whitey.

You let fruit flies
in the newsroom?

-It's not hurting anybody.
-It's disgusting.

-I just need five more minutes.
-Don't rush, Paris.

The fruit flies are
not hurting anybody.

And Paris is working on
something that I'm waiting on.

I would prefer it if she
weren't interrupted.

Sorry, Paris.

All right, guys, just remind
me, who's allergic to dairy?

Here.

Here you go, no mayo.
Who's allergic to wheat?

There you go,
Tory, bound for glory.

-And who's low sodium?
-Right here.

There you go, apple
brown Betty, Freddy, no salt.

-Hey.
-Hey.

You know, I'm still mad
about that math competition.

You win some, you lose some.

Those buzzers in the
countdown round were rigged.

I know they were. The
judges were on the take.

He's called a
moderator, actually.

Yeah, well, whatever they
are, I'm lodging a protest.

-Luke, could we talk for a sec?
-Sure.

What's up?

-You know Freddy, right?
-Yeah. Good kid.

Well, I like him.

Well, I like him, too. He seems
less insane than the others.

I don't mean like him
the way you like him.

-I hope.
-You've known him longer.

-And I'm a girl.
-I know that.

-And he's a boy.
-I know that, too.

Oh, you like him! Sorry.

I'm not quite ready to
proclaim it to the world just yet.

-Are you old enough to like a boy?
-I'm not sure.

I'll have to look
it up in a book,

see whether or not you're
supposed to like boys yet or not.

-Well, it's a fact, either which way.
-Okay, so, what do you want me to do?

For starters, it'd help if you
stopped calling him Betty.

Right.

And you sitting next to me all the
time is kind of getting in the way.

Oh, jeez. I didn't realize.

I know. You're pretty oblivious.

-It seems like Freddy...
-Don't look at him!

Sorry. Just seems like you
pay less attention to Freddy

-than any of the other boys.
-It's because I like him.

-You like him, so you ignore him?
-That's the way it works.

But you're always
palling around with Kevin.

-Kevin makes me sick.
-I'm confused.

-You're over-thinking this.
-I must be.

-Don't look at him!
-I'm sorry.

[LUKE SIGHS]

I guess I shouldn't be
sitting next to you then, huh?

Maybe not.

-Guess I'll go sit with the parents.
-I think that's a good idea.

Okay. Well...

You wanna go back together
or should we stagger it a little?

-Give me a four-second head start.
-You got it.

LOGAN: The bottle is dry. COLIN:
You cannot be out of Wild Turkey.

LOGAN: I've got everything
else under the sun.

-Pick one and stop your nagging.
-You cannot be out of Wild Turkey.

No matter how many
times you tell me I'm not out,

-doesn't change the fact that I'm out.
-FINN: Hands.

Jerk.

-Hi, everyone.
-Hey, Rory. Get yourself a drink.

-Anything but Wild Turkey.
-I'm okay.

Yeah, forget it. She doesn't
drink on school nights.

I sometimes do.

I'm getting a sense that
the woman of the house

had no idea we
were going to be here.

-Okay that we're here, love?
-Of course it's okay.

Logan, I haven't called you "love"
since that sultry night in Bimini.

It's fine that you're here,
guys. You're always welcome.

-What's with the maps?
-Graduation is imminent, Rory.

So we are planning the ultimate
Life and Death Brigade event.

Not only the ultimate,
but the penultimate.

Penultimate means next to
last, Finn. This is the last one.

I thought it meant
"super ultimate."

-How did you get into Yale?
-Slept with the recruiter.

-So what's the stunt?
-We're flown on a twin-engine plane

to a remote spot in Costa Rica.

We don parachutes, BASE
jump off a cliff whose height is...

Exactly 3,624 feet.
Unless that's a 2.

We land on the banks
of the San Juan River.

Hopefully not in the river.

-Or on the Nicaraguan side of the river.
-Or in Panama.

We inflate a raft, white-water
three miles down to a meeting point

where a blowout
party will take place.

It's a 2, gents. I'm pretty
sure it's a 2. Or an 8.

Where do you get
the inflatable raft?

One of us will parachute
with it in our packs.

Not me. I've got the DVD player.

Not me. I've got the
champagne and the bong.

If I take it, it'll
crush the cigars.

Stand down, boys.
I'll jump with the raft.

You're planning this
all very carefully, right?

Luckily, we have a topographical
map expert in our midst.

It's a 3. I'm 90% sure.

Why don't you make extra sure you
have the right number there, Robert?

Hey, let the man do his thing.

Well, I would if the man
doing his thing weren't drunk

and hadn't forgotten to
put on his reading glasses.

Oh, my God, I'm not
wearing my glasses.

They flew off when
you did that impression

of the old guy getting
shot by Dick Cheney.

Who's flying this
twin-engine airplane?

And who's supplying
the parachutes?

I mean, there must be a weight
limit to make that jump, right?

Do you guys know
what the weight limit is?

So you came home
just to piss on the fun?

No, I came home
because I live here.

You know, guys, maybe we should
resume our planning another time.

Yeah, I guess maybe we should.

-I'll never be able to refold these.
-Just grab them and let's go, Robert.

-Okay if I return this another time?
-Sure.

Go with them, if you want.

Is it your life mission to embarrass
me at every opportunity you get?

It's Robert, Colin
and Finn, Logan.

I've seen them all dance naked
with their underwear on their heads.

There's no embarrassing
you in front of them.

-Well, you embarrassed me tonight.
-How?

By pointing out that
the stunt you're planning

doesn't exactly sound safe?

It's called the Life and
Death Brigade, Rory.

Yeah, and you're supposed
to try to avoid the "death" part.

This is not your business.
And why aren't you at the paper?

You're always at the
paper at this time of night.

-Finished early.
-How? You delegate a little?

Let people actually
write their own articles?

-That's old news.
-It's not old news.

You knew that would embarrass
me, and you didn't care.

-Please.
-Even when we're together,

you're some place else.

You leave, and you
don't kiss me goodbye.

We're at dinner and you're on
your cell phone the whole time.

You never leave notes anymore
about where you're gonna be,

so I have no idea where you
are. You haven't forgiven me.

What are you talking about?

For the girls I was with
when we were separated.

I said I forgive you.

Yeah, you said it, but you
haven't, though. You haven't.

I'll be at the pub.

[DOOR CLOSES]

-Lorelai!
-Hi, Lane.

-You're in possession.
-Of what?

-Of the wedding dress.
-Yeah. It's safe and sound.

I was just starting
to dig into it.

-Don't dig. Slice, kill, maim, destroy.
-What?

Sick a mad pack of wolves on it.

Douse it with lighter
fluid and turn it into ash.

-I cannot wear that dress.
-Yeah, I know it's a little Old World...

-Have you looked at it?
-Parts of it.

Exactly. You can't take it in all at
once. The human eyeball is not capable.

-It's not that bad.
-It's got pants.

-No!
-You didn't look at it very carefully.

Well, I will remove the pants.

It's every girl's dream

to hear the woman altering
her wedding dress say,

-"I'll remove the pants."
-I'm sure once I alter it a little...

No. Don't alter it. Have an
accident. Leave a warm iron on it.

Spill a vat of acid on
it. Run your car over it.

Lane, I haven't even put
it on the mannequin yet.

Now, let me start work on it,

and I will keep you fully posted
every step of the way, and...

-LORELAI: Oh, my God.
-What? My mom?

No, my mom and dad. I
thought I saw something.

Well, focus, focus. Important
topic we're discussing here.

All right, I got to
run. I'll call you later.

Lorelai!

I'm not above bribing.

My God, Lane, don't
sneak up on me like that.

-It's all about the Hamiltons, baby.
-You can't pay me to ruin your dress.

Look, forget about your parents
for a minute and concentrate on this.

Wait, so you saw them,
too? I'm not insane.

They've been walking
around town all morning.

All morning? Any
guess as to why?

-Shred the dress and I'll tell you.
-Do you really know why?

-No.
-Well, then I'm not gonna ruin the dress.

Well, I did see them
talking to Kirk earlier.

Kirk?

Yeah, and he was
wearing his maroon jacket.

His real estate jacket. This
is not good. This is not good.

My life is in your hands.

I don't think you're fully
comprehending that fact!

I guess I'm going.

Okay.

I'll be out of cell phone
range for a couple of days.

I know.

I'll see you.

Kirk?

-Kirk?
-Mask!

-What?
-Mask.

-What is this?
-I've done it, Lorelai.

-I've finally landed my first listing.
-What... Where are my parents?

This is the beginning of my rise to
the top of the real estate industry.

Where are my parents?

Do you happen to be in
the market for a house?

'Cause this baby's a honey.

-Something in the corner just moved.
-Just a rat.

I'd have told you about them
before you bought the place.

The law also requires me to inform
you that the house has toxic mold,

asbestos, methane
gas, buckling floors,

a crumbling foundation, visible
fungus, a collapsed fireplace,

ceiling damage, water damage,

and it was the recent
site of a Wicca convention,

and a particularly grisly murder/suicide.
Nothing we can't work with.

I'm not in the market,
Kirk. Now, listen.

I know my parents are
shopping for houses.

Lane saw you with them,

and I need to know
where they are right now.

I'm sorry, that's
confidential information.

In fact, the fact that I was
with them was confidential,

so I'm gonna have
to ask you to pretend

that I haven't already
confirmed that I was with them.

-Which I wasn't.
-Oh, God! What was that?

Bat. Don't worry.

When you spray for cockroaches,
the bats die, too. Usually.

At the very least, it
knocks the wind out of them,

so they wind up
wobbling on the floor,

so you can just whack them with a
hammer. Nothing we can't work with.

Kirk, I am your friend,
but they are my parents,

and I need to find them.
Right now. It's important.

Well, I shouldn't tell you this,

but I know they were looking at
two properties on Maple Drive.

They're probably
around there right now.

Too bad I couldn't get them
interested in this property.

It has great bones. Literally.

There's an Indian burial
ground underneath it.

Thanks. See you.

Don't run! It scares the bat!

[DOOR SLAMS]

-[GASPING] Mom! Dad!
-Lorelai.

What are you doing here?
Did we have something set up?

-No.
-No.

-No.
-No? Then what's up?

-Oh, well, we're here to...
-Do a little antiquing.

-Antiquing.
-Right, antiquing.

We're hitting Litchfield,
Woodbridge, Washington Depot...

Well, we have some great antique stores
right here in little old Stars Hollow.

-That's what brings us.
-So you've been to Madison House?

-Where?
-Madison House.

Amazing stuff, lots of colonial.

It's not in my price range,
but I love to browse around.

-I'll take you there right now.
-I don't know if now is a good time.

-We have an appointment to keep.
-An appointment?

I thought you were just
walking around, shopping.

We are. We made an appointment
at an appointments-only antique shop.

We have those here?

Well, obviously you do, because
we have an appointment at one.

-Well, I'll go with you.
-They're only expecting two of us.

Well, they can squeeze in one more,
huh? I promise I won't break anything.

Come on, take me there.

It's actually not for a while, so
we can't take you there right now.

Perfect. Then we'll
hit Madison House first.

-It's just a 10-minute walk. Come on.
-All right. Lead the way.

Cool. You know,
I'd say let's drive,

-but our streets? Forget about it.
-What about the streets?

Well, they're clogged, night
and day. Yep, total gridlock.

It's not gonna help when
they build that big box store.

-They're building a box store?
-Yeah, right in the center of town.

-Those things are hideous.
-Yeah.

It's gonna wipe out all
our local businesses.

This place will be a ghost
town. Hold your breath.

God. Sorry, sewer problems.

Well, your public works
department needs to be notified.

No, they're on strike. Well,
they're always on strike.

[COUGHING]

-Excuse me.
-Allergies?

Meth lab.

-We need our own bar.
-You say it like I'm fighting you.

-I'm not fighting you.
-Same here.

We need a public place

where the next de Kooning
can run into the next Franz Kline

and dis the next Jackson Pollock,
while the next Charlie Parker

-shoots up in the corner.
-So a nice family place.

I'm not kidding. We'll
call it Cedar Bar Redux.

I would kick my own
ass if we called it that.

Why don't we call it "Devoid
of Original Ideas Poser Bar"?

Go to hell, both of you.

Come back for a hug, man.

Hey, there's Alicia
Mattheson from The Weekly.

Grab Matthew. Get
him off the bar thing,

have him show her around.
It's what he does best.

-Cedar Bar Redux.
-Yeah.

So, my eyes don't deceive me.

First things first.
What the hell is that?

-It's an abstract painting.
-But what is it supposed to be?

-Check the title.
-I did. It's called Untitled.

-There you go.
-I give up.

-So you got the invite.
-I got the invite.

-Guess I didn't think you'd come.
-You guessed wrong, Nephew.

-Cool. So you want the tour?
-Give me a tour.

All right, well, this is where
we work, Truncheon Books.

There's usually desks and
crap piled up everywhere,

but we cleaned up for today.

Those are the
books that we put out.

We publish our
zine once a month,

except last August when my
partner forgot to pay the printer.

We let local artists hang their stuff up
without ripping them off on commissions.

We do performances over there.

And a few of us live upstairs.

That you don't wanna
see, it's a disaster zone.

-This is yours, right?
-Yeah.

I wanted to get it,
but I couldn't find it.

Yeah, it's not exactly
The Da Vinci Code.

Well, I will
definitely get it today.

By the way, that is your cousin.

Right. Liz filled me
in on all that. Daddy.

She just calls me
Luke. Total brain.

-You confirm paternity?
-Don't be a wise ass.

Hey, April. I want you
to meet somebody.

Meet your cousin,
Jess. He's my sister's kid.

-Hi.
-Hey.

-Men in this family aren't chatty.
-Sorry.

-I'm gonna go explore a little more.
-Cool.

-How you adjusting to all that?
-Okay, I guess. I like her.

-But she just sort of tolerates me.
-Seems like it.

-Thanks for the perspective.
-That's why I'm here.

Come on, got some sculpture
over here you're really gonna hate.

[EXCLAIMING] That garbage smell.

-What garbage smell?
-I don't smell garbage.

Yeah, the wind shifted
right after I said it.

Allowing a landfill within
a mile of city limits? Crazy.

-It's within a mile?
-Yeah. Destroying everyone's land values.

-Well, where'd you park?
-Over on Peach Street.

-You mean Carjack Lane?
-Carjack Lane?

Yeah, better than Chop
Shop Alley. Here, follow me.

Oh, God, watch
out for the pothole!

I tell you, the roads are just the things
in between potholes in this town, huh?

Oh, dear.

You should talk to your mayor
about all these issues, Lorelai.

You mean Gropey
McGee? I cannot, will not,

ever put myself in that position
again. Mind if we stop by the store?

Well, I'm running
low on a lot of basics.

I just wanted to see
if they got them in.

This is a cute little store.

Well, if you can be cute
and unclean at the same time.

All right, let's
see. No. No. No.

Nope, and this is
the only store in town.

-What are you looking for?
-What am I looking for?

Everything. They have nothing.

The little they have is off brands,
which wouldn't be so galling

except everything is so
far past its expiration date.

Hey, help yourself to some
Little George's Chips. Yum, yum.

Little George? Pass.

Oh, and look, here we have
some Aunt Molly's ice cream.

You'll notice there's no picture
of Aunt Molly on the carton.

I googled her and got a mug
shot. And all I could think was,

I hope she hasn't been
selling that stuff to kids.

-Excuse me. Lorelai. What are you doing?
-Shopping, Taylor. Why?

You're walking around
disparaging my store.

And not only is that insulting,

-it's against the law.
-Against the law?

Code 14/B/14 \\\X-8 states that

a citizen of Stars Hollow
cannot denigrate Stars Hollow

while standing on
Stars Hollow soil.

It was established in 1792.

The original penalty
was death by 40 muskets.

Really, Taylor, you misheard me.

You made a crude
joke about Aunt Molly.

Well, you gotta admit,
Aunt Molly had it coming.

-I don't joke about Aunt Molly.
-Can you say BTK?

As town mayor, I could
cite you on the spot.

This is Gropey McGee?

I beg your pardon.

Look at the time.
Excuse me, all, will you?

Mom, where are you going?

I'm just going to get
something out of the car.

No, Mom, Mom. You
don't know the safe streets.

You walk down the
wrong one, you die.

Commence writing me up, Taylor.

"Benzedrine and a muscled fist

"Turned to hand, turned to
handout Turned fish and loaves

"And a lazy day in Galilee"

"Herman Melville,
poet, customs officer"

"Rubber stamps and
Hawthorne daydreams"

"Craving Tahiti and simple sun
and the light of the Berkshires"

Is this any good?

MATTHEW: I don't know
what she's gonna write.

JESS: We're not supposed to
know what she's gonna write.

She's a member of
the independent press.

She played it so close
to the vest, you know?

-I hate that.
-Go get a beer. Stop obsessing.

POET: "Too soon the
butter-soft cries of warning"

"Too soon, the caustic light"

Well, isn't this a
day of surprises.

"Too loud, the gun"

I didn't RSVP. Sorry.

This isn't an RSVP-type
thing. Showing up's cool.

Good thing. So this
is Truncheon Books.

-Yeah, this is Truncheon.
-I like it.

It makes me feel like I instantly
want to create something.

Give me a pen, give me a brush.

It's Luke.

Yeah, there's a definite

Jess Mariano in This ls
Your Life vibe here today.

Luke.

-Bicycle?
-No.

Rory. Hi. What
are you doing here?

-Same thing you're doing here.
-Your books are really easy to skim.

-Thanks. That'll make a nice blurb.
-I was gonna take off, actually.

I got to get something.

Don't leave till I get
back. I'll just be a minute.

Okay.

-You have a great face.
-Thanks. So do you.

Yeah, Rory, this is April.

Oh.

-April. Hello there, April.
-Hi.

The famous April.

-I'm famous?
-Kind of.

-April, Rory's an old friend...
-She doesn't look old.

I mean, I've known her,
well, since she was your age.

She's from Stars Hollow.

She's actually the daughter of the
woman I'm with, my fiancée, Lorelai.

You met her that one time.

-It's kind of complicated.
-I'll say.

You probably wanna get back
to that boyfriend of yours, right?

He's not my boyfriend. Jeez.

Hey, Luke, come here.

Here.

Let me buy this so that way
you would get the money.

It's okay.

-What's this?
-It's what's owed.

-You owe me nothing.
-I owe you.

Take it. And if you rip it up,
I'm just gonna send you another.

I'm very proud of you, of this,
of what you're going for here.

-I don't get all of it, but I'm me.
-Thanks.

APRIL: he said that. RORY:
Guys have big mouths.

APRIL: All I said
was that I liked him.

I realized it was a
mistake as soon as I said it.

We should get going.

-Nice meeting you.
-Nice meeting you, too.

-Good luck with everything.
-Good luck with this. Congratulations.

-Okay. Thanks. See you.
-Bye.

-So, you here alone?
-I guess.

Cool. Come on.

Oh, well, we'll be
lucky to get a table.

There's absolutely
nowhere else to eat in town,

and even being Luke's fiancée doesn't
guarantee me a meal when I want one.

Oh, great, more customers.

Well, there seem to be
a few tables available.

None of the good
ones, unfortunately.

All right, you phoned Mom,
you told her to meet us here.

-What, is she late?
-No. She's right there.

All right, what is
wrong with this picture?

-They're playing cards.
-Yes, I can see that,

-but who is that she's playing with?
-I have no idea.

-Do they have ham here?
-Ham? Sure.

Get me a ham and Swiss
on rye, dry, nothing on it.

-But where are you going?
-I'll be back in a bit.

Dad, what... Dad? What?

-Do you have any eights?
-Go fish.

Oh, you. I was
sure you had eights.

-Hi, Lorelai.
-Hi, Mom. What're you doing?

Oh, Cissy and I are playing Go
Fish. She's good, too. It's your turn.

-Do you have any jacks?
-Unbelievable.

She's won three games in
a row. She's a little champ.

-I keep getting lucky.
-It's not luck.

You said she was smart,
but this is something else.

-You get to go again.
-Oh, my God, Mom...

-Do you have any threes?
-Nope. Go fish.

-Mom, who do you think this is?
-Luke's daughter.

-Isn't it?
-No.

-You're not Luke's daughter?
-Uh-uh.

I don't believe this. This
isn't Luke's daughter.

It's definitely not
Luke's daughter.

And here I was, bonding with it.

Who is this? Who are you?

-Never mind, honey. Do you live close by?
-Two blocks.

Okay, well, why don't you
go home, where it's safe?

Okay.

You're telling me I've
played this insipid game

for a half an hour, and it's
not even Luke's daughter?

What made you think
it was Luke's daughter?

Well, it told me it was
someone's daughter here.

Well, she must have
meant someone in town.

Well, then she's a moron.

Why would I play cards with her if
there wasn't a family connection?

I guess she just thought
you were being nice.

The little idiot kept tipping
her cards so I could see them,

so I pretended I didn't

and specifically asked for
what I knew she didn't have.

-Kid's a moron.
-Okay, Mom, she's gone now.

Is it so stupid to think
that she's Luke's daughter?

She looks like Luke.

Mom, you can trust me

that there will be no contact between
you and Luke's daughter anytime soon.

-What does that mean?
-It means that I don't even see her.

-Luke and I have an arrangement.
-What kind of arrangement?

Well, he... I mean, you
know, we mutually decided

that I probably shouldn't
have any contact with her.

What? That's ridiculous.

Well, it is what it
is. It's what we want.

Lorelai, you and Luke
are in a relationship.

You're going to be husband
and wife. And Cissy's his daughter.

No, no, that was Cissy.
April is his daughter.

You know what I mean.

You have to have a
relationship with this girl.

-It's imperative.
-Mom, you don't know the whole story.

But I know your
handiwork when I see it.

Playing cautious when
you should be diving in.

That girl is his blood relation,
and you need to get to know her.

You'll be in her life
for the rest of your life.

Well, Mom, it isn't just me...

I can't believe Luke is
letting you get away with this.

The sooner you embrace your role in
this girl's life, the better off you'll be.

Mark my words.

-Where's your father?
-He ran off to something.

That's right. We had
another appointment.

I'll find him. Then we have to
leave. He needs to get back to work.

-All right, goodbye, Mom.
-Goodbye.

You. You could have told me
that wasn't Luke's daughter.

I hate customers.

All I'm saying is,
control your poet.

-So suddenly he's my poet.
-He changed up on us.

He wasn't supposed to
premiere new material tonight.

-It wasn't bad.
-It was rambling.

It was a little rambling.

What was that whole part
about desiring Golda Meir?

Please tell me
that was symbolic.

I'll talk to my poet.

We're hitting that bar that we're
not going to call Cedar Bar Redux.

-You coming?
-Yeah. Maybe.

You know, go on
ahead. I'll catch up.

You know, you don't
have to read it again.

I know I don't.

God, there's so many
things I would change in it.

-Like what?
-I'd keep the back cover.

Everything else goes.

-You know why I love your book?
-Why?

It doesn't remind
me of anything.

It's not a rip-off.
It's just you.

-High praise, Miss Yale Editor.
-Yeah.

I don't get to write as
much as I would like.

I'm mostly assigning and
motivating, hand holding and rewriting.

Yeah, and you love it, every minute
of it. Come on, tell me you don't.

I do. I do love
it. It's exciting.

You look happier than
when I saw you last.

I am.

So, you fixed everything?

Yeah. Everything's fixed.

-I'm glad you're here.
-Yeah, me, too.

-What?
-I'm sorry.

About what?

About coming here, like this.

I just got the flyer, and I don't
know, I just wanted to see your place,

but then, this.

It's not fair to you.
I'm such a jerk.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

And I couldn't even cheat on
him the way he cheated on me.

Who? Who cheated on you?

That guy?

-You're still with him?
-Yeah.

-I thought everything was fixed.
-Everything but him.

-I hate this.
-You should. I'm sorry.

You came here
alone. To Philadelphia.

-He was out of town.
-I don't deserve this, Rory.

No, you don't. You
don't deserve it. I just...

I'm in love with him.

Despite all the bad he's done, I
can't help it. I'm in love with him.

Love, huh?

Yeah.

I guess I'll call Matthew's poet
and have him explain love to me.

-Poets know all about it, right?
-They're supposed to.

-Well, I guess I better go.
-Okay.

-I'm so sorry I came here.
-I'm not.

It's what it is. You, me.

-Where'd you park?
-I'm right outside.

If it makes you feel better,

you can always tell him
that we did something.

Thanks, Jess.

[DOOR CLOSES]

You know what I thought? I thought
an apple stop would be fun today.

-Great idea.
-The banana stop was a big hit yesterday.

-I don't see how an apple stop could fail.
-Yeah, they loved the banana stop.

So I have these pamphlets for the
kids to read about Amish country.

-Should we hand them out now?
-I think that's a good idea.

I'll do it. I've got
something for April

here. I was about to
sneak back there anyway.

Thank you, Luke.

Hey, everybody. Sorry to
interrupt. I got some pamphlets here,

a little info on Amish
country. It's got some pictures,

but we're gonna see it so you
don't have to look at the pictures.

Got stuff to read, too, so go ahead
and pass the rest around there.

I thought you might
need your sweater.

Okay, then, see you.

My dad's ridiculously
overprotective.

Ridiculously.

[ANGST IN MY PANTS PLAYING]