Original subtitles

-Lane, we're getting backed up here. -Done in a sec.

-Hey. -Hey.

No bacon today. I had to fire my meat guy.

How could you fire Pepperpot?

He's so cute and his mother has that skin condition they can't diagnose.

He never brings what I order.

I have 16 pounds of corned beef and no turkey.

But he's so sweet

and his father has that foot-grafting operation coming up next month.

Yeah, well, I can't keep a guy on because his parents are falling apart.

I know. But he tells those funny little limericks

and his sisters were just surgically separated two weeks ago...

-What are you doing, Kirk? -Did you just eat a 3 Musketeers?

-No. -You sure? You really smell like nougat.

-Stop sniffing my fiancée. -I can't help it.

My senses are much more finely-tuned these days.

-What is the scary man talking about? -He's on a juice fast.

-Why? -Just wanted to clean out the pipes.

Refocus the arteries.

I wanna get the healthy glow of someone who consistently goes to the gym,

without having to go the gym, of course.

Of course. You look positively radiant.

-You want eggs? -Eggs.

Scrambled. And a couple pancakes, please.

-Blueberry pancakes, blueberry pancakes... -Kirk, eat something.

What? Oh, no. I'm doing fine.

Yeah, okay. Hold on there, Speed Racer.

I have to get these orders, since I'm the only one serving here.

Almost done, Luke.

I just want to remind you about Rory's panel.

-What? -The panel I'm going to today?

-The Young Voices of Journalism panel. -Rory's thing?

Yes. Well, it looks like Christopher's going to be there also,

-and I just thought you should know. -He's been showing up a lot lately.

He's trying to make good. For Rory. So...

I'm good. I'll get you those pancakes.

Blueberry pancakes! Blueberry pancakes!

-Okay, what do you think? -Oh, nice.

-Very White Rabbit. -Well, I want it to stand out.

-It does. It's great. -What do you think of the picture?

The picture's great. What's wrong with the picture?

I photograph so Asian.

Yeah, well, I think Ming-Na has that same problem.

I just have to get back in a band. I'm going crazy not playing.

-I can imagine. -I mean, you go

from having band practice every day

and seeing certain people every day and then suddenly you're not.

You mean Zach.

And Brian and Gil.

Yeah. You guys still aren't talking?

-Well, the flyer is great. -Thanks.

I like the shiny, fancy pens you used.

They're Luke's daughter's, actually.

She left them here last week and I snagged them.

Good score.

So she's been coming around a lot lately, huh?

Yeah. She comes in here and studies or draws.

We even play some games when things get slow.

-She kicks my ass at Scrabble. -Oh, yeah?

Of course when we play Monopoly, I rule,

because she's a kid and hasn't quite gotten the Monopoly concept.

She still thinks Park Place is a good buy.

-Sweet. -Yeah.

I used to play board games with Rory a lot.

She'd get very upset when I'd cheat. So cute.

It's hard to cheat with April.

She spends the first 20 minutes

reading the rules manual right in front of you.

Rory was obsessed with Battleship.

I always thought she was gonna join the Navy when she grew up.

-Well, there's still time. -Yes, fingers crossed.

-Hey, Lane, how about a raise? -Sorry, Luke. I gotta go.

Peach shampoo?

-You hate it. -Joni, I don't.

And I promise, I'm gonna run it. I just need you to cut about 400 words.

Don't give me that look. Simplify your prose.

You'll still get your point across and I won't have to publish a newspaper

the size of a David Foster Wallace novel.

Paris?

Yes?

I just wanted to give you some notes on your campus safety piece.

Fine.

Well, I think it's good.

It's really good, actually.

But the lead's a little flabby.

Getting right into an example might give it more punch up top.

If you say so. Anything else?

Some of the quotes read too long. I'd cut two or three and trim...

-Paris, what are you doing? -I don't know. What am I doing?

You're not making eye contact with me.

-I'm looking right at you. -No, you're not.

Wanna test me? Brown hair, blue eyes.

Fine. Here's your hard copy. I think those notes will help.

Of course you do. They're your notes.

No, not because they're my notes. Because they're good notes.

Says the note-giver. It'll take half an hour.

Fine.

-Well, that was unpleasant. -Try sleeping with her.

-I'll take your word for it. -No, it's impossible,

because she doesn't sleep anymore. She makes damn sure I don't either.

Last night, she decided it would be fun to watch Saw II at 3:00 in the morning.

And then when I woke up and asked her if she could turn it down,

-she berated me for being a film snob. -How are you handling it?

I believe the psychological term for it is "keeping my mouth shut."

Well, I don't know what to do with her.

She's one of the best reporters we have,

but she has really gone way beyond her normal level of nuts.

She's on the warpath right now. She'll calm down.

She just needs some time.

You know, maybe I could give her more to do.

That piece she just wrote would make a great series.

Giving her something like that might help her rebound faster,

make her the normal Paris again. What do you think?

-Um... Sure. -That wasn't very convincing.

-It's your call. -Doyle, come on.

Former editor to current editor, what do you think?

Would you do that for any other staffer who was treating you the way she is?

No.

Look, I've more of a vested interest in Paris snapping out of this than anyone.

I just think it's something she's gotta get to on her own.

Yeah. Yeah. You're probably right.

I gotta go. I'm gonna sneak back to the apartment

and see if I can get a few hours of sleep in before Paris comes home

and spends the rest of the night learning to play the jazz trumpet.

Yeah, she bought a trumpet.

-Hey, Lou. Okay if I put an ad up? -They come down after two weeks.

I can abide by that.

[ZACH SINGING CAR SONG]

Joel.

Mom, come on. That's not cool.

-Joel, take it. -Take what?

The song. Take it.

Well... Yeah!

[JOEL GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY TO TAMBOURINE]

Yeah.

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey!

-Oh, you scared me! -Sorry.

-What? -Sorry!

What?

[MUSIC VOLUME DECREASES]

-Sorry. -I guess that was a little loud.

-What? -Sorry.

Oh, I'm telling you, we should take this on the road.

I see you went with Faye Dunaway in Network.

And some Maureen Dowd come-hither pumps, for good measure.

-I wish I could be there for you. -Oh, you do not.

-I do, too. -You'd be asleep in three minutes.

The pumps would have kept me going for at least four.

I'm in a suit at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Honor has to have everyone dress for a wedding rehearsal.

-How'd I get conned into this? -Into what?

-Being one of Josh's groomsmen. -You like Josh.

-I don't even know Josh. -He's gonna be your brother-in-law.

Yes. Exactly. Going to be. Keyword is going. He's not now.

Your tie's crooked.

But as of today, Josh is simply the guy

who holds my sister's purse when she goes shopping.

And because of that, I have to spend the next six hours

practicing to walk in a straight line.

You have yet to accomplish that, so a little practice wouldn't hurt.

I'm not there and I'm bored already.

You can always talk to your good friend Flasky.

Right. Thanks for the reminder.

I just don't understand wedding rehearsals.

-The bachelor party, I get. -I bet you do.

The actual ceremony, I get. But the rehearsal, I don't get.

-Wallet. -And after we finish rehearsing,

I have to sit through a five-course dinner surrounded by my new family

and Honor's brigade of moronic bridesmaids.

Oh, come on, you love Honor. Her friends can't be that bad.

Oh, no. Blondie, Dipsy,

Bubbles, "Four Nose Jobs the Charm" McGee? All great gals.

-Meow. -Seriously. Can't you just do the panel,

blow off the mixer, and meet me for the dinner?

Logan, come on. By the time I get out of there

and get back here to change, drive all the way to New York,

-dinner would be over. -No, it wouldn't.

Dinner's never gonna be over. It's gonna last forever.

I will be here waiting for you when you get back

-and I will have aspirin. -Fine. I'll be back by 11:00.

10:50, possibly 10:30.

-Go. -Fine.

Did you forget something?

You look incredible. Knock 'em dead.

[MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES]

-Hey. -Hi.

Nice seats.

I got here early and scouted out the best ones.

We were actually more towards the middle than two people,

and I'm pretty sure it was Brigitte Nielsen and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,

-sat right in front of me. -Brigitte and Kareem showed up, huh?

I swear, any place with free cheese and crackers, they are there.

-You look nice. -Thanks.

I think this haircut cost more than all the haircuts

I've had in my life combined.

Well, it was worth it. It looks very, very short.

-Mom! Dad! -There's the woman of the hour.

-You made it. -Of course we did.

Careful. The hair. It's pinned perfectly.

-Whoa. -Yeah, well, sorry.

-So, are you excited? -Yeah. And nervous.

I've actually got a lot of talking points.

I just feel like I'm gonna get up there and forget everything.

You're gonna do great, hon.

Yeah, you are. You're a natural at this kind of thing.

And just remember, if things don't go well,

we will stop loving you.

I better get up there. I'll see you guys afterwards.

Yeah. We'll be rooting for you.

Well, it's not really a "root for me" kind of thing, but thank you.

Well, we brought foam fingers.

And we're planning on doing the wave if things get dull.

Dud?

Welcome, everybody, to the Young Voices of Journalism panel.

I'm Arthur Gordon, a professor of English here at Yale,

and I shall be moderating today's panel.

We are joined today by the editors

of some of the country's most prestigious collegiate newspapers.

[WHISPERS] Woo-hoo!

We have before us, editors from The Harvard Crimson,

The Daily Princetonian, The Cornell Daily Sun,

The Daily Pennsylvanian and The Yale Daily News,

all here today to tell us what's on their minds.

To hear where they think Ivy League journalism is heading.

And more broadly, to share their views on the future of the free press in America.

Whoa. Heavy.

So, I will begin by posing a series of questions to our panel.

Now, let's begin.

I was wondering how the panelists would describe

the state of journalistic ethics on a collegiate level

in the post-Judy Miller era, and...

Wonderful question. Quentin Walsh, Daily Princetonian.

The ramifications of the scandal to which you obliquely alluded

ought not to be underestimated.

-I hate this guy already. -Rory told me about him.

That's pompous Princeton guy.

Well, sure, if your parents are gonna name you that, what chance do you have?

The struggle to preserve the fundamental principles and rights

upon which our free press depends

was made far more difficult by the choice of certain reporters,

who shall remain unnamed,

to capitulate to governmental pressure and divulge their sources.

He's unbelievable.

-He's wearing a bow tie. -Should I Dud him?

I myself have on occasion felt tremendous pressure

to divulge unnamed sources. But I've stood my ground,

knowing that while I may suffer for my principled stand,

-there was a much greater issue at stake. -If I may.

Rory Gilmore, Yale Daily News.

While I agree that there's no greater or more important tool for a free press

than confidential sources, I also think it unwise for us to presume

from our limited experiences editing college newspapers

that we really have any true understanding of what it must feel like

when the federal government of the United States

puts the screws to you.

I just think it would be the height of hubris for any of us to claim for a fact

that we know what we would do when faced with that kind of pressure.

But that's just one reporter's opinion.

-We created her. -Out of thin air.

I just don't care how funny the picture is.

If it's not newsworthy, and I can't see how it would be,

I would not publish a picture of the University President

stuffing his face with key lime pie at the Drama Club bake sale.

I'm sure President Levin will be pleased to hear that.

If, however, someone pushed said key lime pie in the President's face

as a political statement, that I would print.

Me, too. Front page.

Quentin, you agreed with me. I didn't think you were capable.

Well, on that collegial note, I'm afraid we have to end our discussion.

I'd like to thank all our panelists for a terrific discussion

and thank you all for coming.

-Good stuff. -The girl's got skills.

She even had her arch rival laughing with her by the end.

She's keeping her enemies close and giggling.

Very devious.

So?

If I had a giant cooler of Gatorade, I'd pour it over your head.

Sounds refreshing. So I was pretty good, wasn't I?

-You dazzled. -And you totally wiped the floor

with pompous Princeton guy.

Well, the floor had looked a little dirty.

So, can we take you out for an ice cream soda?

Sorry, I gotta go. We have this editor's mixer thing now.

-Rain check? -Yeah. Go. Mix well.

-Bye, hon. -Bye.

-We were just rain-checked. -Yep.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Okay, so I kept track, wrote them down. I got 16 words that she used

-that I have never heard before. -Perspicacious?

Seventeen words that I have never heard before.

-My God, she's smart. -She is smart.

She's Anthony Michael Hall in Breakfast Club smart.

I'm very proud. And mystified.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

-Well, me, baby, all me. -Oh, it's my new nanny.

Oh, does Sienna know about this?

Actually, this is the fourth new nanny in six months.

I'm telling you, pickings are slim out there

for someone decent to look after your kid.

-I think that's why they invented parents. -Oh, crap.

-She can't work Sunday. -What's going on Sunday?

I promised my mother I'd take her to the cemetery to visit my dad's grave

and I'm thinking it might not be the thrill for G.G.

that it's gonna be for the rest of us.

-Not without noisemakers, it won't. -This single-parent stuff.

Fun, huh?

I tell you, I can't wait till G.G. starts school.

G.G.'s starting school? You're so old.

-Where's she gonna go? -Not sure yet.

These snotty private schools are impossible.

There are waiting lists and psychological tests and blood samples

and sworn oaths and dark, back-room promises.

And every single headmistress looks like Dick Cheney.

You could always send her to public school.

Yes, I could, if I wanted to kill my mother.

Well, you will be at the cemetery tomorrow.

Lor?

You know, if you're ever stuck and you need somebody to watch her,

I'd be happy to fill in.

-Really? -Yeah, I'm fun. I like Teletubbies.

Sober?

I have got plenty of Rory's old books and games,

and I'm totally at your service.

Okay, well, I just may take you up on that.

Good.

-So, what does "perspicacious" mean? -I don't know. "Persp," to perspire?

-Am I close? -Close enough for me.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

[GIL SINGING HOLLABACK GIRL]

Thank you, everyone!

That's our bat mitzvah girl Julia Laumann's favorite song in the world

and I can see why. Because it's full of strong female attitude,

which I dig.

And let me tell you, Julia, guys are turned on by that.

Don't think they aren't.

They like girls with legs and brains, like, smart biker chicks, you know?

So keep on the path you're on, keep up with school

and baby, you're going places.

[CROWD CLAPPING AND WHOOPING]

I see the cake coming out of the kitchen, everybody,

so we're gonna break for a couple minutes to sugar up.

Back in a few.

Hey, guys.

I think you used a little too much whammy bar during My Humps.

I was out of control.

So, you guys aren't gonna talk to me?

-What's there to talk about? -Yeah, man.

You're way deep in my bogus bag, and it's Zip-locked shut.

-Well, you guys sounded great. -Yeah, I get what you're saying.

It's a West Hartford bat mitzvah, not the Albert Hall.

-Well, a gig's a gig. -Totally. A gig's a gig.

This crowd is lucky, I'm telling you. It was tight.

You could have played that at the Albert Hall.

So,

I reached a new level on Soul Calibur III.

-Level 50. Assassin. -Really?

Yeah. I just low-kicked my way through and chopped up a mess of perfects.

You're gonna take the Swordmaster mantle soon.

-But you're like the original Swordmaster. -I beat the last boss.

Hit him middle high, middle low, middle high.

Took forever to figure out all his specials.

I know.

I was sitting next to you when you did it. It was awesome.

Listen. This thing with us? I wanna fix it.

-It's too late. -It's not.

Look, I know I was an idiot. If I could turn back time, I would.

Oh, hey, Turn Back Time. We should add that to the set.

-Well, Cher is always a slam-dunk. -I wanna get the band back together.

We were going somewhere, you know? About to play for a label. And, well...

I miss you guys.

I don't mean to get all Brokeback Mountain on you,

but we're buds, you know?

KIDS: Go! Go! Go! Go!

And I miss you, and you're not gonna believe it,

but that kid over there's about to down a whole cup of maraschino cherries.

-That's Etan, the Feldmans' boy. -He's gonna do it, man.

He's gonna do it.

He did it!

-I didn't think he had it in him. -He is gonna be puking!

So, what do you say, guys? You wanna reform Hep Alien?

-Maybe. If you can get Lane. -She'll never come back.

Leave Lane to me. I'm gonna reason with her.

-Well, if Lane's in, I'm in. -Me, too.

Hep Alien has got to rock again.

Cool.

Excuse me. Gilbert.

Oh, it's time for the big one.

-Let's do it. -Kick ass, guys.

All right! Let's bring the whole mishpacha down to the dance floor,

'cause it's time to rock-a-dila!

[BAND PLAYING HAVAH NAGILAH]

[CHANTING]

[CHANTING]

-This place is like a labyrinth. -Well, if you get lost,

just keep your hand on one side of the wall and keep walking.

Eventually you'll find your way out or get eaten by a Minotaur.

-Thanks, chum. -Josh, my man, what's going on?

My cuff links have been stolen.

Well, don't worry, I'm very good at finding things.

At Easter egg hunts they used to make me wear an eye patch

-just to keep things fair. -Okay, but I suspect thievery.

You sure you'll be okay hanging out by yourself for a while?

For at least a fortnight. I'm good.

Now go, put on your eye patch and find some cuff links.

I'll see you later. Come on, Josh. Dead man walking.

Excuse me. I'm trying to find the library?

Oh, sure. It's in the east wing. You just...

Rory!

-Oh, hey, bride, you look beautiful. -You like my wedding sweats?

I'm beginning to think Town & Country might not approve.

-So how are you doing? -Okay.

You have got to come back and hang out

-with me and the bridesmaids. -Oh, that's sweet, but I can't.

-I actually have all this work... -Ladies, come on. Make-up time.

And whoever took Josh's cuff links, hand them over.

Look, the girls have cracked open a case of champagne.

I need you to be my designated dresser.

I'm the bride. You can't say no to a bride. It's bad luck.

-I guess I can do my work tomorrow. -That's always been my motto. Come on.

All day, if anyone does something I don't want them to,

I'm saying it's bad luck.

I swear, getting married is so fabulous.

Everybody, so this is my lovely friend, Rory.

Rory's gonna hang out with us while we get ready.

Some of you might have met at the shower

but this is Alexandra, Walker, Megan and Gwen.

-Hi. -Hi.

Welcome to the final hours of Honor's maidenhood.

Yeah, right. Honor's maidenhood didn't make it to upper school at Brearley.

Not true. Turks and Caicos, 1996.

Anyway, we're here to celebrate these last precious hours

before we lose Honor to the dark side.

And to celebrate, we drink booze!

Not me. I'm having one glass, right before the ceremony.

-Whatever you need to tell yourself. -I love that dress, Rory.

-Oh, thanks. -Is that Carolina's?

No, it's mine.

Oh, Rory, this is Italo. Italo's a total genius.

If they gave MacArthur grants for hair, he'd get one.

Okay, girls. I need to get you in these chairs, pronto.

Bridezilla?

Okay, but just one now and one right before the ceremony.

-Whatever you need to tell yourself. -I need it to make a toast.

To friends. Old and new. Borrowed and blue.

You guys are awesome.

To Honor! And to Honor's honor, the missing maidenhood.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Hi. -Hey.

-Hey, what's all this? -G.G.'s pillow,

that's her blanket and her duvet cover.

What? No mattress and box spring?

She never goes anywhere without her duvet cover.

She calls it her scrunchy bunchy because she likes to scrunch it and...

And bunch it. Yeah, I get it. Did you forget the kid?

-G.G., come on, honey. -What's she chasing?

-Oh, that's a cat. -Just so you know, that cat bites,

scratches, and sprays, and I'm pretty sure it's in heat.

G.G.! Come on, sweetie! Right now!

Hey, kiddo. I'm so excited to hang out with you today.

-G.G., you wanna give Lorelai a hug? -No!

G.G., please come back here and pick up your jacket.

G.G.!

I got it.

Thanks again for doing this. I really appreciate it.

Please, I'm looking forward to it. I managed to find Uno and checkers.

And also parts of Battleship and most of the pieces of Candyland,

which I figure we can mix together to create a fabulous new game,

"Candyship Battleland." War never tasted so good.

-Okay, then. Well, I'm off. -Go, go. Get out of here.

You already figured how to turn the TV on? You smarty.

So what are we watching?

Shh!

Schindler's List?

Oh, Full House.

You know, I think the Olsen twins weigh less now

than they did on that show.

Right. I get it.

I don't like it when people talk to me when I'm watching TV, either.

-Okay, so I don't look obese? -You look like a skeleton.

A beautiful, blushing skeleton.

-Whoa. -What?

All of a sudden, the idea of marriage seems totally archaic and insane.

Legally binding one woman with one man until they die? It's perverse.

Why on earth do people do this? Why am I doing this?

-Uh-oh. Freak-out. -You love Josh. Remember?

Oh, yeah. Josh. Okay.

Okay. Freak-out over. I wonder if Josh is freaking out.

We saw him before we took a smoke break. He looked nervous.

Oh, adorable.

Hey, can someone check my slingback?

It feels messed up and I can't reach my own feet.

Certainly.

Oh, yes, the slingback is not slung back properly.

I think I can remedy this if I just sling this back.

[ALL GASP]

Did that get on my dress?

Someone tell me if I need to freak out.

-It's fine! -Oh, my God.

Get away from me, you lousy drunk.

Hey! That's offensive. I am a terrific drunk.

-I need my designated dresser. -At your service.

Make sure it's secure, because I plan on dancing tonight.

Speaking of dancing, has anyone warned Rory

about the "dignitaries" coming to this shindig?

-It's always the same culprits. -I need a warning?

The ambassador from Luxembourg is very handsy.

No, the one you have to watch out for is that poet, what's his name?

The dude with the red face?

He just did a translation of the Bhagavad-Gita.

Anyway, he acts like he's gay, but it's such a ruse. Total perv.

Poet, red face, not gay, Bhagavad-Gita, perv. Got it.

I'm going to steal the bride to take a couple quick pictures.

Honor, honey, grab your veil. The rest of you, three-minute warning.

-You are dance-floor ready. -Thank you, my dear.

See you soon, everybody.

Head that way, toward the sitting room.

We don't want Josh to see you in your dress. It's bad luck.

Please. Like I care about things like that.

-I look like a drag queen. -My hair is insane.

I totally want your hair. My hair looks like Lynda Carter's.

Italo was punishing me.

I'll tell you what I want. I wanna hook up with someone tonight.

Just remember that pinning guys in the corner

and shoving your tongue down their throats

-can sometimes come off as desperate. -But I am desperate.

I swear, I might go home with the ambassador from Luxembourg.

Come on, there'll be plenty of eligible bachelors there tonight.

-Like who? -The groomsmen, for starters.

-Tripp Wallison is looking good. -You always think he's looking good.

'Cause he always is. Anyway, so do you.

Alexandra and Megan have both slept with Tripp.

-Small world. -I'm with Liam. You can have Tripp.

Tripp's too short. I'm over the whole Mia Farrow-Woody Allen thing.

-How about Josh's brother? -Poor man's Josh.

Really poor man's.

He's the Josh they give away at the soup kitchens.

-Oh, there's always Logan. -WALKER: Been there, done that.

-Shush. -What shush? You should talk.

Rory is Logan's girlfriend.

Oops.

Oh, my God, you're Rory, Rory.

I'm so retarded.

Don't worry. This was way before you guys started dating.

This was back around Thanksgiving.

Last Thanksgiving?

It meant nothing, believe me. Meaningless.

-Walker will have sex with anyone. -I will.

And I'm sure you know Logan and I dated.

But that was ages ago, eons, back when he drove a Z3.

And then we had a stupid one-night stand this December.

But there's nothing between us, I swear.

We're just friends who drank too much spiked eggnog.

And now he's met you and I think you guys are so great together, really.

-Thanks. -I'm sorry,

I didn't know that you slept with Logan.

I thought you two just messed around.

No, you said you just messed around with him.

I said that he and I hooked up. I meant hooked up, hooked up.

I thought you just meant hooked up. Like, messed around.

How come you never told me you messed around with Logan?

-Why am I not in the loop? -I'm with Liam.

Officially, nothing happened.

These shoes are killing my feet.

Just scrunch up your toes a little bit. That's what I'm doing. It feels good.

Did you hook up with Logan around Thanksgiving?

No way. I was in Biarritz.

Okay, ladies! Time to line up. The processional's about to start.

Rory, you better go find your seat.

-I look like RuPaul. -Where's my flowers?

-Does Sofia have the flowers? -See you at the party, Rory.

Oh, just FYI. Before I got together with Liam,

he slept with half the Upper East Side, and now he's loyal as a dog.

I need my flowers.

-I already have my flowers. Oops! -Bye, Rory.

I don't know how you did it, kid,

but every single thing I own is now broken or missing.

Oh, G.G., hon, you're coloring on the floor there.

It's not enough that the paper's near the marker, it has to actually be under it.

G.G., give me.

Oh, that's a permanent marker, honey. Give me that.

-No! -Yes.

Permanent marker causes permanent damage

which makes Auntie Lorelai permanently bitter.

-Now... -No!

G.G.

Oh, my God. God. Give me that.

[SCREAMS]

Okay, if that's your Donald Sutherland

invasion of the Body Snatchers impression, it's a really good one.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but those tonsils are gonna have to come out.

G.G., please! If you stop, I'll give you one of those caramel apples

that I showed you, okay? They're really delicious.

But to get one, you have to stop making the world's most annoying noise

in five, four, three, two...

Thank you.

Nothing a little eardrum replacement surgery won't fix.

Come on, let's go in the kitchen.

G.G., hey! Don't you go into Rory's room. You know you're not allowed in there.

G.G.? Hey! You!

[DOOR SLAMS]

I know this is a cliché, but just wait till your father gets home!

-Here you are. -Here I am.

I was looking all over for you.

I didn't see you when I was walking down the aisle.

I looked for you during the ceremony. Where were you?

-Here. -Here.

You missed the wedding?

I'll apologize to Honor later.

Forget Honor. What's going on?

Rory.

You didn't say a word.

You just let me walk into a room full of girls you'd had sex with.

Oh, no, wait. I'm sorry. You only had sex with two of them,

and one of them you just fooled around with,

whatever that means.

She spared me the exact parameters of the fooling around.

-You wanna fill me in? -Rory.

You know what? Never mind.

I've got a good imagination. I can figure it out.

-Okay, look. -I can't believe it.

You didn't just cheat on me. You really cheated on me.

-I didn't cheat on you. -Oh, so, you didn't sleep with...

No, I did. But we were broken up.

No! You were broken up. Not me.

-I thought we were just taking some time. -Apart. Not seeing each other.

Yes. Taking some time.

Not seeing each other for a while. That doesn't mean broken up.

-Oh, come on. -No! When...

To break up, you have to tell the other person.

You can't just decide that you're broken off

and then just go off and...

God, I can't believe I fell for all your stupid tricks!

The coffee cart, and going to my mother. You went to my mother.

Why would you bother going through that?

You had plenty of backup. What do you need me for?

-Because I love you. -No. Don't.

Rory, I didn't cheat on you. I didn't lie to you!

-You didn't tell me. -Of course not. Why would I tell you?

Why would I want you to be hurt and upset and angry?

Blondie, Dizzy, I love the cover.

Pretending all those girls were worthless idiots.

They are worthless idiots!

Shooting their mouths off in front of you like that!

-It's not their fault! -It is their fault.

They love doing crap like this, causing trouble.

We were only apart for, like, two seconds,

and you managed to sleep with every one of your sister's friends.

How did you even do that? I mean, did you work them in shifts?

Were there charts? Signals? B12 shots?

I was depressed. I was lonely. I was upset. I've known these girls forever.

It was just companionship, okay? It meant nothing!

Don't be at the apartment between 10:00 and 1:00 tomorrow

so I can get my stuff.

Coffee's on its way.

What?

You're disgusting and you're cheating on your juice diet.

I didn't cheat. I expanded the definition of juice.

-I feel dirty. -Hey!

-We're out of food. -What?

I have to talk to you a sec.

-I went to a bat mitzvah last night. -Mazel tov. You want some more coffee?

-What the hell? -I talked to the guys and...

-I know you ripped my flyer down! -What?

My "drummer wanted" flyer at Sophie's? It was ripped down

and Lou said he saw you do it and I just want you to know

that I think that sucks.

Well, A, Lou's a fathead, and two, I had my reasons.

Come on, Lane, stop. I have to talk to you.

About what? What do you have to talk to me about, Zach?

I have to talk to you about how it's all feeling wrong, you know?

I tried to write a song about it

and I was gonna bring my amp and axe and all

and play it for you, but it was coming out way too emo,

so I decided to just say it.

I get up in the morning and I don't feel good.

I go to work and I don't feel good. I come home and I don't feel good.

I brush my teeth and I don't feel good,

then I go to bed and I don't feel good,

then I wake up and I don't feel good.

And then I go to work and I don't feel good...

You don't feel good, we get it, go on!

Hey, is something burning down here?

-Luke, shh! -Okay, sorry.

-Go on. -Right.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

Lane, will you marry me?

[CUSTOMERS GASP]

-What? -Will you marry me?

But... Do you even know what you're saying?

I mean, have you even thought about this?

-Oh, my God. You have thought about this. -I got it at the pawnshop.

It belonged to like an Elk or a Moose or something,

but it looked cool and I could afford it. So I got it.

-You're smiling. -I know.

Does this mean yes?

-Yes. It means yes. -Really?

Cool.

For God's sakes, kiss him, sugar!

Yeah, kiss him, sugar!

So... I should get back to work.

It's okay. I wasn't thinking the ceremony should be today or anything.

-I'm off at 8:00. -I'll swing by.

-I'm getting married! -I heard.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Hey. -Hey, Mary Poppins.

Sorry the place is a mess.

That's okay. I left my white gloves at home.

So, how'd it go with you today?

Great. I got everything done. And it was actually nice

-spending some time with my mom. -Good.

So, what, you lose my kid? Should I call the milk carton people?

Oh, she's asleep in Rory's room.

-She's all tuckered out, huh? -Yeah.

Either that or she knocked herself out

when she was throwing books around Rory's room.

What do you mean?

Well, when she was done drawing on the floor

and pouring chocolate milk on Paul Anka,

then she took to throwing books around for a while.

This was before the spitting and the furniture kicking

and the grand finale, where she pulled all the sheets off the bed

-and tried to flush them down the toilet. -You're kidding.

-Oh, I'm really not. -Well, she's a spirited kid.

Spirited, possessed. Potato, po-tah-to.

Three-year-olds can be a lot to handle.

If you're not used to it, I'm sure it can be overwhelming.

No, this wasn't "three-year-old hard to handle,"

this was "feral hyena hard to handle."

So you guys didn't click.

Chris, this is not about clicking. This is about spoiled.

Spoiled?

Yes. G.G. has clearly never heard the word "no" in her entire life.

She's heard the word "no."

Well, at no time did me saying "no" elicit anything other than a scream.

I said, "No coloring on the floor," she screamed.

I said, "No pulling Paul Anka's tail," she screamed.

I tried discussing Japanese Noh theater with her, she screamed.

-So what? -I'm not saying it's her fault.

I'm just saying, I think you could apply a little more discipline.

She's a kid. Kids are hard.

Yeah, I know kids.

I raised one, okay?

Kids are different today. It's a different world.

-They need more nurturing. More space. -I'm sorry.

Yes. That was Dr. Spock turning over in his grave.

We're going.

Come on, Chris, it isn't just me. Those preschool interviews?

Those people don't know what they're talking about.

-And the nanny? -Is a flake.

You know, giving G.G. whatever she wants

isn't going to make up for Sherry being a crappy mom and bailing.

You know what? I've had enough of your advice and your help.

-Hit me, barkeep. -That's your third one.

-What are you, my mother? -Nope.

No, you're not. I'm not driving.

And I live right over...

There. Or somewhere near there. Or there.

But it's close. And I'm walking, and I want another drink.

Okay.

Hey. These are mine.

I was just gonna get them out of your way.

Don't take what's mine. These came with my drinks.

He put them down in front of me. I did not ask you to move them, did I?

Whatever.

Snappy comeback. Dorothy Parker know about you?

-I'm sick of people touching my stuff. -Here you go.

Eat something.

You eat something.

Well, hello, Rory. Fancy meeting you here.

Hi, Doyle.

I didn't see you sitting here, or I would've come over sooner.

I've been here a while. I've been mixing beer and wine.

And Malibu rum.

-That sounds bad. -Yep. It is bad.

It's been a long, bad night.

-How about you? How's your night been? -Really excellent.

Okay. Well, then let's drink to really excellent evenings, shall we?

To really excellent evenings.

-Paris threw me out. -What? No! Why?

I told her you were thinking of making her campus safety piece

a series and that I told you not to.

But why would you do that?

I don't know. It just came out. We were fighting.

She was miserable and not sleeping, and just sitting at that craft table,

hot-gluing bead after bead after bead,

and then when I tried to take the glue gun out of her hand,

-all hell broke loose. -Oh, boy.

Then she kicked me out. Told me to leave.

-I came here. -That sucks.

I drank a lot.

-Love sucks. -Would've bought a car for that woman.

-Me, too. -Now I have to move out.

-Me, too. -You, too, what?

-I have to move out of Logan's apartment. -Why?

Because Logan had many, many blondes for Thanksgiving.

Oh, that sounds terrible.

-Did you love him? -Yep.

It's terrible when you love them.

I don't know where I'm gonna go.

I'm staying with two guys who have black light posters on every single wall.

It's depressing.

Well, you guys will get back together.

I mean, you and Paris are perfect for each other.

I mean, there's socks hanging everywhere.

I don't even know if they're clean socks. They're just hanging.

I wonder what Paris is doing now.

I wonder how long till Logan sleeps with somebody else.

Bet he already has.

Empty. Sad.

-How we doing? -Fine.

-Fine. -I wanna die.

-I want more. You want more? -Uh-huh.

Rats. I'm out of money.

I had to take a cab back from New York, so of course,

-I have no drinking money. -I've got money.

It's in something in my pants.

Somewhere down here in this general area.

-I'll hold still while you look. -No, that's okay. I'm gonna go.

Yeah? Okay. I'll go, too.

Bad move. Bad, bad move.

Come on. I got you.

-Doyle, use your feet. -It's cold. I'm cold.

-You want my coat? -Okay.

-This is lovely. -Thank you.

Okay. Well, thanks for the company.

-Yeah. You, too. -Bye, Rory.

Bye, Doyle.

Doyle? Doyle! What are you doing?

-You were kissing my neck. -Oh, God, I was. I was kissing your neck.

And I was nuzzling, too.

There was definitely nuzzling.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me.

-And you used your tongue. -I just miss her so much!

-Doyle, go home. -I don't have a home!

Yes, you do!

You have a home with black light posters and dirty socks.

-I don't have a home! -Oh, right.

Night, Doyle.

Oh, my God, could this day get any worse?

[PHONE RINGS]

-Yeah? -CHRISTOPHER: Lor?

Well, if it isn't Da Vinci's daddy.

-How's the floor? -Very festive.

I'm sorry about that. I'll pay to have a floor guy come fix it.

Well, don't worry about it. The house was too perfect.

-Now it's lived-in. -Yeah, well.

You're awfully quiet.

-G.G. got a gun on you or something? -I'm sorry, Lor.

-Oh, Chris. -I was so far out of line.

Don't worry about it.

Everything you said, you were so right.

-I hate when that happens. -G.G. is completely out of control.

I can't say no to her. I'm just...

I'm just so, I don't know, I'm so mad at Sherry

for taking off like that. I mean, who leaves a kid?

-Well... -Yes. I know. I left a kid.

I tell you, Lor, I don't think I really got how you felt about me until now.

Because I wanna kill Sherry.

I never wanted to kill you. I wanted to key your car,

which I did once, by the way.

It's not right that G.G. doesn't get a mom. It's not right that all she has is me.

What a super bargain that is.

Oh, Chris, come on.

I don't want her to feel like she's missing anything.

-I want her to be happy. -I know.

I can't get her into a school. No one will take her.

They say she's uncontrollable and aggressive

and all sorts of other horrible-sounding terms.

Well, school is overrated, ask Abraham Lincoln.

-I suck as a dad. -No, you don't.

Look, I get the single-parent guilt.

But in the end, G.G. needs you to say no.

-I know. I've ruined her. -You haven't ruined her.

-It's not too late. -You sure?

I'm positive. You can turn this around. I know you can.

You're a great guy with a great heart.

You just need to be a little tougher.

-Yeah. -I'll help you in any way I can.

I promise. We'll fix this.

-You're amazing, Lor. -Only in the true sense of the word.

-Thanks for being around. -Anytime.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[G.G. SCREAMING]

-I gotta... -I know. Go.

Get the bowls and chopsticks out, guys.

And somebody pick a movie already!

I thought you were Hing Yee's.

-Sorry. -What do you want?

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Fine.

Where is everybody?

I ordered food for 10,

and didn't want the delivery guy to look at me like I was a hog.

I don't need to display my patheticness to the world.

You're not pathetic, Paris.

-Doyle and I broke up. -I know.

I sort of ran into Doyle earlier.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

-He looked pretty upset. -I don't care.

Okay.

So, is that why you came over here?

'Cause you heard that we broke up?

Well... Yes.

-You're a really good friend. -Oh, not really.

I throw you out. I treat you like dirt. No one else can stand me,

but you come over to make sure I'm all right.

-Well, Paris. -Yeah?

In the name of full disclosure, I should tell you,

Logan and I broke up, too. Today. I'm moving out.

-How come? -He cheated on me

with an entire wedding party.

Oh.

-Nice. -Yeah.

-Men suck. -They do suck.

You can't count on them. They never have your back.

-No, they don't. -They make you love them and then

they let you down and you're walking around with a stomachache

-for the next six months. -Is that how long it lasts?

I don't know. I hope it's only six months.

Yeah. Me, too.

You can stay here.

-You know, if you want. -Really?

Sure. Take my room if you want. I've been sleeping at my crafts table lately.

-Thanks, Paris. -Sure.

-You hungry? I've got food coming. -Starving.

Hey, I just realized, when the food arrives now,

I really can ask someone to get the bowls.

-Silver lining, huh? -Sure is.

[PHONE RINGS]

-Hello? -RORY: Hey. It's me.

Hey, you. How was the wedding?

Sucko. I got a new address for you.

Uh-oh.