Original subtitles

Mmm.

-My husband! -Mmm?

Thank you for last night.

(GASPS)

Thank you for last night.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Thank you for last night.

(CHUCKLES)

* I'll keep you my dirty little secret

* Dirty little secret

* Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

* Just another regret Hope that you can keep it

* My dirty little secret Dirty little secret Dirty little secret

* Who has to know

-(BANGING) -(BELL RINGING)

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Shit!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

(SCREAMING)

Today, these visually-impaired senior citizens

will fulfill a lifelong dream.

To swim with dolphins.

(DOLPHIN SQUEALING)

BOY: Hey, check this out.

What is that?

Careful. That is four years of research.

A technological breakthrough,

which might just save a life or two.

-What's it for? -It's a device to prevent

the beaching of cetaceans.

That's "whales" to you and me.

Cetaceans, huh? That's a pretty big word for a man-whore.

I'm not a man-whore.

I'm a fish enthusiast.

I stopped man-whoring when I met my wife.

My mom said your wife got eaten on your honeymoon

because you tried to feed the sharks.

You tell your mom I was trying to feed the turtles!

I didn't realize there was

meat sauce on the lettuce.

Whatever. I bet that thing doesn't even work,

you stupid he-bitch.

-Come on, I got it! -Hey, you little bastards.

Hey, give that back! That's not a toy!

WOMAN: That's the one. That's your grandma.

Gimme... Come on! Gimme! I...

(HIGH-PITCHED SOUND)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Something... Something seems to be going wrong.

I'm not sure what's happening.

-Yee-haw! -(BANGING)

Oh!

I gotcha! I gotcha!

* Here's wishing you the bluest skies

* Hoping something better comes tomorrow

Hey, everybody. I'm home.

* And the very best of choruses to

* Follow all the doubt

Hi, Kate. I missed you today.

The prototype's almost working.

All it needs is a few minor adjustments.

* Here's hoping all the days ahead won't be as bitter *

MALE REPORTER: This is Wes Takahashi in Malibu,

where three blind swimmers are still missing.

I hope that man rots in hell!

It was some weird guy. He tried to touch my ba...

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

-T.J.? -I'm in Amsterdam!

Man, you'd love it over here. It's like Disneyland

for college students. You wouldn't believe this shit.

Why don't you come on over and let your old friend T.J. show you a good time?

Oh, that's crazy. I can't.

Look, it ain't like you got somethin' better to do over there.

Amsterdam is so far away.

Police have just released a sketch of a man

wanted for questioning. Witnesses report

he is goofy-looking and probably a virgin.

On the other hand, far away could be good.

(PLANE TAKING OFF)

Is my wife gonna be okay in there?

ATTENDANT: She'll be fine, sir.

DEUCE: All right.

WOMAN 1: (ON PA) Ladies and gentlemen, flight 10 from Helsinki is

-now arriving at Gate A-12. -Excuse me. I think there's been a mix-up.

Oh, sorry! Sorry.

That's okay. I've always wondered what it would feel like to be a white woman.

Can I borrow it?

Gimme that!

Hold on!

WOMAN 2: (ON PA) All rows now boarding for Amsterdam.

-Ow! -Ow!

-Oh! -Oh!

Oh!

(WHISPERING) Excuse me. Okay.

DEUCE: Hey, how many people get to do this on their honeymoon?

You're sure it's safe to feed the turtles?

You have nothing to worry about! I'm a fish expert, remember?

What is that over there?

Oh that's just some kid with a fin on his back

trying to scare us.

Are you sure?

Yeah! Do you think the hotel would let us swim out here

if there were sharks?

Come on. This is Mexico!

They know what they're doing.

(LAUGHING)

(GASPING)

This shirt's gonna be a great icebreaker.

MAN: Fuck you, American. You imperialist bastard!

I love America! I love President Bush!

Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq!

MAN: Shut up!

-WOMAN: Oh, shit! -(SPLASHING)

Oh, hello! Sir!

Is this okay?

You did miss a spot.

Did I get it?

Put some elbow in it!

Sorry, honey.

Huh. What's with all these red lights?

I wonder if they know their curtains are open.

Oh, man.

Ahoy there.

Big Deucey in Amsterdam.

(LAUGHING)

Man, get on over here.

Deucey.

-Look at this boat. -Check this out.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

T.J.: You like that?

(MUSIC STOPS)

I couldn't be happier for ya.

-Come on, let me show you my float crib. -Okay.

-Yeah! Lookin' like money. -Yeah!

So, you're gonna have a good time, man. Huh?

Well, it ain't much, but it's home.

Oh.

It's nice. I like what you've done with it.

Now if you gotta use the bathroom,

lift up the toilet seat. This is where I live, it's my home.

Don't want nobody pissing on my toilet seat.

What do you think of the float crib, you feelin' it? Huh?

T.J., I think you got a bad leak here.

Naw, naw, naw. It's just high tide.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah. I brought Kate.

I really wanna show her a good time. Ya know?

Maybe buy her a wooden shoe.

Deucey.

Keepin' that leg is kind of creepy.

-You gotta move on with your life. -LIL' KIM: T.J.!

-Hey, Lil' Kim, what's up? -I no more man-whore. Too much danger.

Excuse us for a moment, Deucey.

Listen up, Lil' Kim. When your little, bony ass had SARS,

who got ya out of quarantine?

Go make me some money.

No way! I take my three inches elsewhere.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(BELLS TOLLING)

So I thought I'd come over here and make a killin'.

Got myself a houseboat, some hos.

The only thing a woman love more than a man-ho is a floatin' man-ho.

Makes sense.

Then all these man-whore murders started.

My he-bitches got too scared to go to work.

What kind of world do we live in

where the streets ain't safe for male prostitutes?

SERVER: Here's your hashish. Enjoy.

-Hashish? -Yeah.

-No. -Yo-ho-ho-ho.

I thought you said this was a coffee shop.

Let me break it down for ya, Deucey. You're in Amsterdam.

If you want coffee, you go to a cafe.

If you want marijuana, ganji or some freaky-deaky,

you go to a coffee shop.

That's where you is now. Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHING)

Put that away! Cops! Cops!

Hold it right there.

Now, that joint looks loose.

If you want, I'll roll the next one.

Have a good evening, huh?

Oh, don't worry about it, Deucey. This is Amsterdam.

It's perfectly legal over here. You want a hit?

No. I'm not smokin' nothin'.

Oh, come on, man.

Deucey don't smoke.

Suit yourself. Well, well, well, if it ain't Heinz Hummer,

the gigolo with the most below.

What do you want, T.J.? I'm busy.

I wanna introduce you to my friend, Deuce Bigalow.

He's a gigolo from America.

Hi.

(LAUGHING)

Sometimes you're really funny, T.J.

How much you gettin' for a Filthy Ramirez these days?

Because I could get you more.

HEINZ: A Filthy Ramirez? Where have you been?

Nobody pays for that shit anymore.

See ya around, T.J.

Hey, the Man-whore Awards are comin' up.

Don't you wanna win the Golden Boner?

I already won it twice. Just ask your ex-fiance.

Man, why you gotta bring up Delisha like that?

I can't believe prostitution's legal here.

Oh, yeah, it's big business. They got a union, dental plan.

Man, if I had a he-bitch like Heinz Hummer,

put me back in the game.

Is he that good?

Is he that good? They don't call him "Lord of the Wangs" for nothin'.

Man, what I wouldn't give...

For Heinz's wang?

Naw, I don't want Heinz's wang.

I want him as a client.

Hey, man, keep your voice down.

Talkin' about me wantin' Heinz's big, juicy wang.

People would think I'm gay.

Now, a pimp's only got one thing in this world.

His reputation.

Here you are, gentlemen. Fresh today.

Bon appetit.

What is this?

Spacecake.

Why do they call it that?

You know, it's what the astronauts eat. Like Tang.

I'm starving.

It's a little dry.

-Keep eatin'. It gets better. -Hmm.

-Ya sure you don't want any? -No.

Never been high, never gonna be.

It's pretty good cake, though. Fuckin' excellent.

* Nights in white satin

* Never reaching the end

(T.J. LAUGHING)

* Letters I've written

Whoo!

* Never meaning to send

* Beauty I'd always missed

* With these eyes before

You.

Come on in here.

You, you want me to...

Yes, you.

* Yes, I love you Oh, how I love you

* Oh, oh Oh, how I love you *

Maybe you can help me.

Really?

I don't want a man who is chiseled, and sculpted.

I like soft and weak.

You do?

I want a man who is unemployed,

and went to a community college.

I am! And I did!

And you know what really turns me on?

What?

It's thinking about him in his tighty-whiteys, sitting at his computer

and visiting different porn sites, and taking

the free tour, with no intention of ever joining.

I don't have a credit card!

Kiss my chest.

Okay.

Harder!

-Bite me! -You sure?

Harder! Bite me harder!

(SCREAMING)

-Get off of my titty, you doped-up cracker! -Huh?

No more Spacecakes for you.

Hey. I'm sorry about that, T.J. I must have gotten a contact buzz.

What did I tell you about making me look gay?

Not 10 minutes go by, and you got your sloppy mouth

all over my breasteses.

My nipple's ruined!

You're lucky I was born with a spare.

There go one of my hos.

The old guy in the walker's one of your hos?

Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass out there makin' me my money?

Kaiser! Get your old ass back in the booth!

Deucey, meet me back at the float crib.

Bitches out here act like they never seen a pimp before.

I raise my hand, they look at it like it's a goddamn croissant.

Then, bam! Feel my pimp hand.

Where's the boat?

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) You scared me.

Hey. Do you know who I am? I am Heinz Hummer.

I'm the gigolo with the most below. Okay?

I can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before.

I could give you a Cambodian Creamsicle

that will make you scream all night. Okay?

But not now, 'cause I'm busy. So leave me alone, bitch.

Ugh! Wait a second. Do I know you?

New... Jizz... Wizz... Wer... Burger king...

(MAN WHISTLING)

Heinz.

Man, are you wasted.

I gotcha.

Coming up next, more weather.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

DEUCE: What's this?

Hey, hey, Heinz, wake up. Check this out.

Holy shit!

Europe just got a little better. Whoo!

Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs.

You gotta keep your bitches in line.

Yeah.

What's he doin' here?

I found him passed out in the alley.

I couldn't just leave him there.

I put in a good word for ya.

Thanks, Deucey. Much appreciated.

I knew you'd come around.

Oh, shit. Heinz ain't passed out. Heinz is dead.

No. He can't be.

I'm tellin' you Heinz is dead.

See for yourself!

Watch this.

Maybe he's just a heavy sleeper.

I can't believe you brought a dead man-whore in my home.

What were you thinkin'?

I didn't know you could die from pot.

This is no pot-related fatality.

This is no ganja accident.

This man was murdered.

The Man-whore Killer did this?

-We gotta call the police. -No, no, no! Hey, hey!

Damn, white boy.

You think the police gonna believe a stoned black pimp

had nothin' to do with a dead prosti-dude in his float crib?

Before I toss your dumb ass in the canal,

I just wanna say, for the record, under T.J.'s management

this would have never happened.

I just gotta see what all the fuss was about.

God damn! No wonder Delisha never came back.

That shit's the real Loch Ness Monster.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

What the shit is this?

What you lookin' at? Turn off them damn cameras!

I ain't gay!

I was only lookin' down his pants 'cause I heard his

schlong was so big and juicy. Wait a minute, that didn't sound right.

Gimme them damn cameras! Whoa!

Where is he?

MAN: (ON TV) We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld for this special report.

The suspected Man-whore Killer has been spotted

on the Prinsengracht Canal, attempting to dispose

of his latest victim.

-(GASPING) -I ain't gay!

The suspected killer has been identified as Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.

You idiot.

He is still at large and extremely dangerous...

-POLICEMAN: Hold it! -Hey! Hey, guys! How's it goin'?

-GASPAR: Where is he? -I don't know.

-Where is he? -I swear, I don't know.

Your loyalty is impressive, sir.

You've once been arrested for man-whoring, were you not?

Look, I wasn't really man-whoring...

Please, Mr. Bigalow. I've heard this a thousand times.

You were cold. You were frightened.

He took you under his arm and fed you. He made you feel sexy.

He told you how to hide money in every orifice.

But your friend is obviously a killer.

T.J.'s not a killer.

If he isn't a murderer, then what was he doing

checking out a dead man's penis?

I guess he was curious. He heard it was big and juicy

and wanted to see for himself.

Lot of guys do that.

No. They don't.

Okay.

T.J.'s gay.

-Really? -Not normal gay, but, ya know, crazy gay.

Musical theater gay.

Is that why he puts lipstick on all his victims?

Wait a minute. In the alley, I heard someone whistling.

And I saw someone. A woman...

...in a leopard coat.

People see a lot of crazy things

when they're high on spacecake.

There's drugs in spacecake?

Mr. Bigalow, I will find your pimp whether you help me or not.

(DOOR CLOSES)

T.J., thank God you're here.

How'd you find me?

It's the only chicken and waffles place in all of Holland.

So a black man's gotta be at a chicken and waffles place?

That's racist.

-But you are here. -Yeah, but figuring it out is racist.

It's a nice place.

Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?

Really?

Before that you could only get chicken or waffles,

but they were the first to put 'em together.

Black people all over the world would be forever

grateful to the Dutch for that.

You do know the Dutch started the slave trade.

Those motherfuckers!

What? Who let 'em print this?

We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.

I don't give a damn about that.

It's the "extremely gay" part that's botherin' me.

I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms.

Get out of jail and become a huge rapper.

But a gay pimp? Think where I'm goin'. Vermont?

Look, T.J., I think I saw the real killer.

It was a woman.

Some She-John went on a he-bitch killin' spree

'cause she wasn't satisfied with a Filthy Lopez.

What's a Filthy Lopez?

40 bucks. Same as downtown.

Look, all we got to do is find the She-Johns that went out with

the dead gigolos. One of 'em is our killer.

-Makes sense. -You gotta get back on the horse.

Horse? What horse?

The man-whore horse.

We gonna use your tight, little white ass as bait.

Bait? No, I'm not man-whoring.

We're gonna find the killer using your twat-cicle.

Twat-cicle? Gross. No.

Give this to my mama.

Tell her I'm sorry I was a disappointment to her.

Tell her I'm sorry I called all her friends

in the middle of the night when I was pleasurin' myself.

And tell her she don't have to worry anymore about her baby.

Even if I wanted to,

how are we gonna find a dead gigolo's customers?

T.J.: We'll go to the Man-whore Union. But we gotta be careful.

They'll be lookin' for me.

Meeting of the royal order of European man-whores is now in session.

T.J.: These are the highest paid he-bitches in Europe.

That. That's Rodrigo. He's from Spain.

He can tie shoelaces with his tongue.

-Ew. -That. That's Enzo.

He's Italian. His nut sack is insured for a million dollars.

DEUCE: That's 500 grand each.

Check it out. That's Assapopulus from Greece.

He can actually kiss you with his butthole.

I'd like to never see that.

I'd like to say a few words about our fallen comrade,

-Heinz Hummer. -DEUCE: Who's the blonde guy?

Chadsworth Buckingham. Comes from a long line of hos.

His great-great-great grandmother gave Henry VIII crabs.

But I know Heinz would like to be remembered for most

was being a male prostitute.

ALL: Hear, hear.

He was also a supercilious cunt.

-Who's that guy? -Gian-Carlo.

Silverback he-bitch.

Heinz Hummer was undercutting all of us.

(CROWD JEERING)

Yes. He was charging the same price for straight sex

as he was for a Turkish Snow Cone.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Oh, yes. He was also charging the same price for a Belgian Steamer

as he was for a Portuguese Breakfast.

(CROWD MURMURING)

As we sow, so shall we reap.

Thank you, Gian-Carlo, for those kind words.

Until this insane killer is apprehended,

the union is going to institute a new security measure.

This ring locks snugly over your va-guy-na

and then communicates directly with a global satellite system.

There are rings of all sizes are available, smaller for our Asian members.

Y'all know me. My name is McManus.

I joined this union some 20-odd years ago for two reasons.

To have intercourse in exchange for cash,

and two, to protect my rights as a man-whore.

But

three years ago, when this union told we man-whores

that we were to stop having intercourse with underage girls,

I strongly disagreed. But I did not stand up.

I'm ashamed to say, I stood down!

And then three months later, this union told we man-whores

that we were to begin washin' our private areas between customers.

Our private areas.

And once again, I'm ashamed to report to you gentlemen,

I stood down!

But now, sir, for what am I to tell my eight-year-old boy

when he comes to me, and he says, "Daddy. Daddy. What's that thing

"hanging off of your he-pussy?"

How am I to tell him, sir?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Deucey, you can do this.

Due to high demand, each member will be only allowed two tickets

-to this year's Man-whore Awards. -How's it goin'?

I'm Deuce Bigalow. I'm a gigolo from America.

My friend Tiberius Jefferson is not the Man-whore Killer.

MAN: Homo!

Now, I'm convinced that the real killer is a She-John.

Which means any one of you could be next.

Now, there are a couple hundred gigolos in this room.

Now, if we all work together, we can find out who the real killer is.

What do you say?

(SCREAMING)

How come you didn't tell 'em I wasn't gay?

Did you not just see me get thrown through a window?

-What do we do now? -T.J. has an old friend

who just might be able to help us out.

Come on. Watch your step.

HOST: Right this way, please.

ANTOINE: Deuce!

Antoine?

-Sit down. -It's good to see ya. It's been a long time.

Ah! (GASPS)

This is the list from the Man-whore Union.

It's got all the clients that went out with the dead gigolos.

Awesome.

Please be quiet. I went through a great deal of trouble to get this.

Sorry.

Now, if you want to compete with the European man-whores,

you need to learn how to really please a woman.

I should write some of this down.

Go ahead. You must be able to pleasure a woman with...

-...with your... -Pleasure her with...

Oh.

(ANTOINE GURGLING)

Do you want me to try?

(GAGGING)

-Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! -Ah, ah, ah.

All right. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Women really like that?

Man-whore down!

(LAUGHING)

Get the list. It's in his pants.

All right.

I think I got it.

Can't a brother stick his hand down another man's pants

without settin' off the faggot alarm?

DEUCE: This Marlene Alsmere. She went out with Diego and Heinz.

What am I gonna do if she tries to kill me?

You distract her with your magic she-nis.

I'll look for evidence. The lipstick and the leopard coat.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

All right. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.

Hi, I'm Deuce biggest lady I've ever seen.

Ah!

T.J.: That's a huge bitch!

Hi.

Cute kids. Are they yours?

Those pictures, they come with the frames.

I'm unable to have children.

I'm so sorry. That must be very hard for you.

Evidence. Mmm-hmm.

That big ho got food everywhere.

You are a nice man. Now, take off your clothes.

Don't you wanna talk a little more? You seem very interesting.

Take them off!

Hmm. "Dutch Bride."

Baby, walk to Mommy. Come, come.

No! Like baby!

Baby, walk to Mommy.

Good baby.

Come to Mommy!

Oopsie.

Oh, baby hungry? Want booby?

Baby never eat again.

You like them big hairy balls, don't ya?

(MEOWING)

(SCREAMING)

Bad pussy! Bad pussy!

Hold it! Hold it right there.

Is this truck full of marijuana?

Is this truck full of marijuana? Can't you read the sign?

No unloading pot in the red zone!

-Write him up. -But, sir, it's my daughter's birthday.

-She's turning 13. -Inspector.

-What? Oh, God. -MAN: We need all this pot for the party.

Inspector. I got these lipsticks from Marlene Alsmere.

She was a customer of Heinz Hummer. She's big and strong.

She could easily be the killer.

The lipstick the killer uses is a very rare one.

Shimmer Lavender Love number 66. Discontinued in 1984.

But, but...

Sir, I also have a list of the women who went out with the murdered gigolos.

-Will you stop doin' that? -Will you stop playing

these games and tell me where T.J.'s hiding?

-T.J.'s innocent. -Oh, don't make me laugh. "T.J.'s innocent."

Uncle! You forgot your lunch.

Ah! That's very nice. Thanks.

(SNEEZING)

Let me, let me help you with that.

Thank you.

Excuse me for askin',

but why did you slap yourself like that?

Promise you won't laugh?

I promise.

Uh, I, I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

I have these little rituals that I can't help doing.

I can't touch doorknobs, I snap my fingers when I see a bus.

And when someone sneezes, I slap myself three times.

I've heard of that. That's not so bad.

-(BICYCLE BELL DINGING) -Ow!

I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. Bells make me do that.

It got me kicked out of school.

It's okay. Everyone's got a few weird habits.

Actually, I've got about 130.

So you're above average.

I mean...

I'm Deuce.

I'm Eva.

Is that a Sudanese sweetlips?

How did you know?

It's, like, my top five favorite fish.

They have one here at the aquarium.

DEUCE: I heard this place is incredible.

It's the doorknob?

I'll get it. Okay.

Oh, thanks. Oh, thank you.

He's beautiful.

That's really good.

Thank you.

Excuse me, but in America they don't allow smoking in aquariums.

Ah. Well, in Europe, we don't unilaterally attack

a country just to steal their oil.

What?

"What?" Did I offend you? Are you going to shock and awe me?

Maybe you should check my pockets for weapons of mass destruction!

What are you talking about?

I just asked you to put your cigarette out.

And then what is next?

Take wine away from my children?

I put out this cigarette. God bless America.

The nicotine in that cigarette is poisonous.

-So they say. -It could kill every fish in that tank!

Poor little fishy.

Hey. Why are you with that loser?

You have a nice ass.

I think this belongs to you.

Merci beaucoup.

(GASPS)

DEUCE: You dick!

I would like to take you from behind.

My penis is uncircumcised. No head.

It's like a torpedo.

You pig!

Oh! Are you tired of swimming?

Did the little fishies not want to play with you?

MAN: Fuck off, ya Yank!

I'm only staying with my uncle for the summer

and then I go back to art school in Brussels.

Could I take you out for coffee sometime?

You mean, like a date?

Well, yeah.

-(SIREN WAILING) -(EVA SCREAMING)

Oh, the, the siren.

Right. Right. Siren.

Before I can go on a date, I have to collect

five different-colored tulips, eat two herring

and drink a beer from a wooden shoe.

Well, that sounds doable.

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

What is it?

-The accordion player? -Mmm-hmm.

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

The Smelly Finger dance.

(ALL CLAPPING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Hey guys, I need a quick gigolo fix, what do you say?

Uh, I'm judging a sandcastle building competition this afternoon,

so, I can't help you.

Um, the dog ate my penis.

You don't have to walk me any further.

I just work over there.

-I don't mind. -I'm kind of embarrassed of my job.

I'm kind of embarrassed of my job too. What do you do?

Bye, Deuce.

Well, well, well. If it isn't Deuce Not-So-Big-Below.

(CACKLING)

It's Bigalow.

What's your going rate, douche?

Well, I was getting $10.

Ooh!

Okay, gigolo. Do you even know when a woman is having an orgasm?

Sure I know. It's when she says,

"Please stop. It's okay. You tried. Now, get off me."

(LAUGHING)

I bet he doesn't even know how to give a Sneaky Castro.

Well, that depends. If she wants it regular sneaky or extra sneaky.

There is no such thing as an Extra Sneaky Castro.

Is there?

It's pretty convenient, your friend killing off all the competition.

I've got my eye on you, Small-Below.

(LAUGHING) Small-Below.

(BUZZING)

LILY: I'll be right down.

Okay.

This is the woman that went out with Heinz the night before he was murdered.

(WHIRRING)

Don't worry about it, Sherlock Ho. I ain't gonna let you out of my sight.

Hi, you must be Lily. I'm Deuce.

(ROBOTIC VOICE) Nice to meet you.

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh, would you like some bread?

Oh, I can't have bread.

It makes my esophageal lining swell up and could block my throat hole.

Excuse me for a second.

Sure.

(AMPLIFIED NOSE BLOWING)

-Pardon me. I had to clear. -Yeah.

-So, what do you do? -I just got fired.

-I'm sorry. -I was a phone-sex operator.

(DEVICE SCRAMBLING)

I only lasted a week. They were jealous of me.

I heard that Heinz Hummer had a bit of a jealous streak.

I bet you're glad he's dead.

Heinz was the most gentle man I ever knew.

I miss him and his man-gina.

(DEVICE SCRAMBLING)

MAN 1: I can't take it anymore!

Oh. I'm sorry. I can see that you really liked Heinz.

Here, let me get that for you.

Thanks.

WOMAN: Let's go.

MAN 2: I think I'm gonna puke!

I started smoking again when I lost my job.

If I don't find another one pretty soon,

I'm gonna lose my house.

Well, we'll just have to find you a new one.

-Relax. Have some wine. -Thanks.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

(YELLING)

I don't normally drink red wine, so...

(CHUCKLING) Oh!

(LAUGHING) I have hiccups!

(LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY)

-Go down the wrong hole, I think. -Check, please.

Deuce,

I can't thank you enough.

It's good for you.

It's good for them.

I'm just glad it worked out.

-I'd better get to work. -I'll be hearin' from ya.

LILY: (ON PA) The white zone is for loading and unloading of vehicles only.

There is no parking in the white zone.

Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night. The white zone...

I am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.

I am here for my 12:30 ass-hair bleaching.

Okay. How blond do you wanna go?

Gwyneth.

Good choice.

Oh, hey. I got a real Janeane Garofalo situation back there, so go for it.

So, Enzo. Got any She-Johns lined up for tonight?

Well, I did a Chili Rainbow last night so... I'm exhausted.

What about you, Assapopulus?

I've got the herpes, so, what are you gonna do?

(LAUGHTER)

Liar!

-Mahmoud! -Huh?

What's your excuse?

I just realized I'm gay.

Any of you guys want a blowjob?

I do!

Well, okay, then. I'd better go put that penis in my mouth.

You're all afraid of the Man-whore Killer!

ALL: No, we're not!

-(GUNSHOT) -Get down!

I don't wanna die!

You really should find a better hiding place.

Oh, you haven't heard?

Rodrigo's been killed.

-No! -ASSAPOPULUS: Oh, my God! Why?

He was just having his ass hair bleached!

He got much more than that, I can assure you.

Bonne chance.

GASPER: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, very happy that Scotland Yard

has now joined the search for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson.

Thank you very much.

So how about this next one? Svetlana Revenko.

The Russian women are a little freaky down below.

Hair start in the front, don't end till it get to the back.

So if you gotta give a little mouth-to-south,

put a clothespin on your nose.

I'll keep that in mind.

Wish me luck.

Garcon. You mind changin' that to The Weather Channel?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

T.J.: It's gonna be cold tomorrow.

I have been waiting for you, Mr. Bigalow.

Aren't you afraid to work with the Man-whore Killer on the loose?

What do you know about it?

Apparently, there's some maniac who's killing them all.

Some people say they deserve it. What do you think?

I think everything happens for reason.

You're probably wondering why I'm wearing this veil.

I wasn't. But if you want to talk about it, cool.

-I grew up in Chernobyl. -Chernobyl. Huh. What a pretty name.

My mother, she work in nuclear reactor when she was pregnant with me.

Instead of a nose...

...I was born with an appendage on my face.

A male appendage.

No shit!

I have always been a little self-conscious about it.

Well you shouldn't, I mean...

...a lot of women would love to have a guy's dick

on their face.

Yours is just permanent.

You are sweet...

...and very handsome for an American.

Hmm.

I like you.

(GIGGLING)

I would love to hear some Latin music!

I'll see if the penis knows any.

I mean, the pianist! Uh, the guy playing the piano!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh! The band has started. Aren't we lucky?

Whoa!

(BAND PLAYING)

Damn, no lipstick!

You smell nice. What is it?

It's Old Nice.

It's a knockoff of Old Spice.

I like it, but, I think it makes me sneeze.

What happens when you sneeze?

(SNEEZING)

-Oh, Jesus! I'm sorry! -(SNEEZING)

Oh, good Lord! Now's a good time to turn.

-(SNEEZING) -Oh!

Hi!

* Here comes your man

* Here comes your man

* Here comes your man

How long are you going to be staying in Holland?

Only until I can prove my friend T.J.'s innocent.

Is there someone waiting for you back home?

It's kind of hard to explain.

Would you like to meet her?

She's here in Amsterdam?

It's my wife.

I got her right here in my duffel bag.

Kate, this is my new friend, Eva.

She passed away a couple years ago, and...

...it's all I have left of her, and I...

Nice to meet you. She was very lucky to have someone so devoted to her.

* Here comes your man

* Here comes your man

* Here comes your man...

DEUCE: Hey, uh, can I see you when you get off work?

Oh, you know, I'd really love to, but I'm going to be so tired.

-Bye! -Okay...

Eva! Eva!

Did you just kiss me nine times because you're OCD?

(GIGGLING) No. It's because I like you.

Oh...

Excuse us, coming through.

Uh, what are they doing in there, anyway?

They're making a movie.

Cool. What kind of movie?

(WOMAN MOANING)

Oh...

-I better get to work. -Okay.

In there? You work in there?

-Yeah. Well... -Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday!

Thank you.

Eva. Eva. Listen, we really need you on the set. All the guys are waiting.

-All the guys? -Yeah. I can't keep them waiting.

Bye, Deuce.

ASSISTANT: I don't see your name on the list.

MAN: I'm very good, yes.

(CHATTERING)

(BRAYING)

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back of the line, buddy.

(CHUCKLING) Trust me. She's worth the wait.

-It's a closed set. You can't come in here, sir. -Like hell I can't.

-Get off her, you little freak! -Huh?

Aah!

Eva, you don't have to do this!

Hey, I agreed to one midget, not two!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

EVA: Deuce?

Eva, you don't have to do this.

Do what?

-This. -What?

This...

-You painted that? -I'm a scenic artist.

So that's what you do here!

Hey, little friend. I guess I owe you a big... Oh! Oh...

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Stoner Steve here! Who wants to get high?

T.J.! T.J.! Is that you in there?

Quiet, you dumb prosti-dude!

I've went out with every girl on that list that lives in Holland.

Then you need to find the rest of those bitches.

The rest of those women live in other countries.

Goddamn, white boy!

Pack up that snatch bow and go find the real killer!

Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Cafe!

* Step right up and don't be shy

* Because you will not believe your eyes

* She's right here behind the glass

* You're gonna like her 'cause she's got class

* You can look inside another world

* You get to talk to a pretty girl

* She's everything you dream about

* But don't fall In love

* She's a beauty * She's one in a million girls

* She's a beauty

* Why would I lie?

* Why would I lie?

* You can say anything you like

* But you can't touch the merchandise

* She'll give you every penny's worth

(BURPING)

* But it will cost you a dollar

* You can stand outside your little world

* You can talk to a pretty girl

* She's everything you dream about

* But don't fall in love

* She's a beauty, she's one in a million girls

* One in a million girls

* Why would I lie?

* Why would I lie?

* But don't fall in love

Oh, ho!

* She's a beauty, she's one in a million girls

* One in a million girls

* Why would I lie?

* Why would I lie?

* But don't fall in love

T.J., there you are!

Hey, the girl with the giant ears overheard Heinz

talkin' about some photo in the Man-whore Society. We gotta get in there.

-Why aren't you in disguise? -I'm in disguise.

-I'm in blackface. -But you're black.

-Yeah, but I'm disguised as a different black guy. -Well, you look the same.

-What you tryin' to say? We all look alike? -No, that's not it.

You're such a racist! You know, I got half a mind to stop helping you save me.

Come on. Let's go!

Excuse me. This is a private club. Man-whores only.

Hey, I'm a real good man-whore. Just go ask your mama.

Still. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

That's what your mama said after I bang her.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, that's it.

Go, go, go!

Ah!

Hey, your mama is in here!

It's okay, I know what I'm talking about. If you're going to stick two in there,

you're gonna need a lot of lubricant.

I know what I'm talking about, huh? Okay, I gotta go now, Ma.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Hey, this thing is locked!

Man.

I only heard about this place.

This is where man-whorin' all started.

Check it out!

You know who this is?

He was the first guy to keep from shootin' his load by thinking about sports.

This guy here? Baron Von Doggystyle.

Led a pimpin' expedition to the Arctic Circle.

Froze to death sixty-nining a moose.

The only thing left of him is this stick, which he used to bitch-slap Eskimos.

Now this brother here, Coulter Cunt-Licker.

He's the Jackie Robinson of ass eating.

Vladimir Suck-Me-Off, the first man-ho in space.

They were studying the effects of zero-gravity on the reach-around.

All right, will you cut it out?

I'm sorry. This is my Graceland.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, check this out.

That's the blonde lady with the leopard coat.

This must be the killer.

So, what are you going to wear to the Man-whore Awards?

Ah. I thought I'd just go with a tux and satin chaps with my ass-plug cuff links...

-Assapopulus, you left the trophy case open again. -Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.

-(WHISPERING) Deucey. -(WHISPERING) Shh.

-(WHISPERING) I gotta fart. -(WHISPERING) You gotta what?

-(WHISPERING) I gotta fart! -(WHISPERING) Well, hold it.

-(FARTING) -Shh! I hear something...

(FARTING)

I think the building is squeaking.

CHADSWORTH: Maybe it's a bird.

(FARTING)

Ooh...

(LOUDER FARTING)

You idiot!

(SCREAMING)

-Bigalow! -Go now!

-CHADSWORTH: Security! Stop them! -Oh!

T.J.!

(ALARM BLARING)

(SCREAMING)

MAN 1: Through the curtain! MAN 2: What the hell?

TJ: Somebody smoked a he-bitch!

-Enzo? He kill Enzo! -No, no, I didn't do it.

What is that?

Uh, that is not a dick in my hand.

Anybody got some antibacterial gel? I got burnt dick on my hand.

-Eva! Eva! -I'm in the shower!

-T.J.'s been arrested. -I can't hear you! I'll be out in a minute!

In his gayest murder yet, the homosexual Man-whore Killer

murdered famed gigolo, Enzo Giarraputo.

Our meteorologist Truce is sick today, filling in is Hank the Bear.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(EVA WHISTLING)

EVA: Hi!

Hi.

What's the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?

-Like what? -(GIGGLING)

Oh!

-(GASPING) -Ah!

I'll get that. I was a Boy Scout for almost a week.

So, uh, is your uncle home?

No, we're completely alone.

-Ah! -Would you like some cheese?

-I'm lactose-intolerant. -Why are you so jumpy?

Maybe I can help you relax.

You're shaking.

-Maybe it's because I'm cold. -I can fix that.

Why don't you pour us a drink?

So, uh, I guess we're all alone, huh?

Ah!

Yes.

Deuce. You're scaring me.

Eva...

Listen. Everything I'm about to do

-is because I really care for you. -Oh, Deuce.

Now, I don't know why...

I don't know why you've done this,

but I'm gonna give you everything I've got.

* Baby, grind with me

* Relax your mind Take your time with me

* I'll love you deeper if you cry for me

* Now come and kiss me till your body gets weak

* Just grind with me Baby, grind with me

* Relax your mind Take your time with me

* I'll love you deeper if you cry for me *

EVA: Deuce?

-Don't go in there. Stop! -Gaspar! Gaspar! I know who the killer is!

I know who the killer is.

-I know who the killer is. -I knew, sooner or later, someone would figure it out.

Sorry I have to be the one to tell ya.

It's Eva.

It's Eva?

You mean my niece, Eva?

I know it sounds crazy, but I found the lipstick.

The same lipstick the killer used. Shimmer Lavender Love, Number 66,

at your house.

And you found it in the pocket of a trench coat hanging in the closet?

Exactly! Plus, I heard her whistling the same song I heard the killer whistle.

Like...

(WHISTLING)

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And you tell me, why would anyone but the killer be whistling that specific song?

I mean, the odds would be astronomical.

Maybe the song got stuck in her head

because she overheard the real killer whistling it

and maybe the real killer is someone...

...very near and dear to her, though she doesn't realize.

Sure.

Or maybe the Hamburglar did it and escaped with the Great Pumpkin.

Look, I understand this must be very difficult for you to be out-thunk

by a civilian like myself.

But we have to put our egos aside right now

and do what's best for Eva.

She's clearly ill, and she needs our help.

You're absolutely right.

You know, the only thing I can't think of is motive.

Now, what could she possibly have against man-whores?

Maybe because they represent a decline

of this once-glorious city...

...which has now become a new Sodom and Gomorrah

for rich college kids to smoke hash,

to fornicate with Venezuelan hookers or to defecate

on our historic cobblestone streets.

They don't defecate on the streets.

Hey.

Well, how do you know he's a tourist? I mean, he could be a local.

-Where is Eva now? -Oh, she's at your house.

Good.

Do you really think you need all those weapons?

She doesn't seem that dangerous. You're not gonna hurt her, are you?

You can never be too careful.

That poor guy.

What a dipshit.

Tonight, the sexually inadequate men of Europe can breathe easy,

safe in the knowledge that all of the continent's finest gigolos

are right here under one roof, all asking,

"Who is gonna walk away with the Golden Boner?"

In this car, we do, we have Assapopulus and his date for the evening...

-Oh, damn it. -...his mother.

She's the woman that, uh, made me start into prostitution,

made me go into prostitution.

I wanted to become a doctor, but...

EVA: Uncle, you home?

What a beautiful couple, mother and man-whore.

-Man-whore Awards? -MAN: (ON TV) Please welcome your host for this evening,

-Johnny Vaughan. -JOHNNY: Thank you very much, indeed.

Can I just say, ladies, gentlemen, man-whores,

a night where we celebrate those guys who can get wood, no matter what.

-Do you know, they have gay-pride days... -Oh, my God.

GASPAR: Yes.

I'm going to kill them all.

-But why? -Don't you see what's happening to our country?

Whoo-hoo!

But it's murder.

(CHUCKLING)

During the final gala number, when all these man-whores are gathered on stage,

I push this little button, and poof!

Bye-bye, gigolos. Shouldn't be that hard to pin the crime on your good friend,

Deuce Bigalow.

-I won't let you! -Ah-choo!

If you wanna stop me...

...it's as simple as touching this doorknob.

-Where's Eva? -Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards.

-I'm going there too. -I'm comin' with you.

Yes. Yes, you should be there too.

Now, let me give you all the lowdown on T.J.

In Thailand, I got a job in a carnival sideshow, eatin' broken glass.

We did six shows a day. That's a lot of broken glass.

And it's all collected in the linin' of my anus.

My ass is like one big, nasty cheese grater.

Here to perform his signature move,

the Chili Rainbow, would you please welcome Assapopulus Mariolis.

(ALL CHEERING)

Ah!

* Ma-ya-hi Ma-ya-hu

* Ma-ya-ho Ma-ya-ha-ha Ma-ya-hi

* Ma-ya-hu Ma-ya-ho *

-EVA: Deuce! Deuce! Right here! -Hey, Eva's right behind us.

EVA: Deuce, stop!

What are you doin'? She's right back there.

-Deuce! He's the killer! -What?

-You're with the killer! -I'm with the dealer?

-EVA: He's the Man-whore Killer! -Eighteen-wheeler?

My uncle is the killer!

Oh. I'm with the... You're the...

She says that I am the killer, you stupido.

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -(EVA YELLING)

But why? What did man-whores ever do to you?

What did they do to me? Ha!

All my life, I dreamed of being one thing. A gigolo.

Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.

I'll never forget that day. Never.

It was my first semester at Man-whore University.

Now, today, class, we shall learn how to give a lady a proper Portuguese Breakfast.

Ya take an egg, and ya crack it.

Ya mix 'em up. Now, this is a good chance to sweet-talk the client.

-And? -And we pour that in there. Beautiful.

-Very nice, now. And, uh... -Don't forget the Canadian bacon.

EARL: The Canadian bacon, of course. I was just gettin' to that.

-What are you doing? -It's a penis enlarger.

It says just a few pumps, and it gets your thing bigger.

You mind if I give myself a few pumps?

-Go nuts. -There we go.

So there ya have it.

Tell me. How was your Portuguese Breakfast?

Delicious.

-Elsa? -Gaspar?

(BURSTING SOUND)

(LAUGHING)

They knew she was my fiance.

And tonight, I will get my revenge.

Leave it!

(EVA YELLING)

I'm from Canada and I'm wasted!

-Are you all right? -Yeah. Are you okay?

Stop! Stop! Police business.

-Come, we gotta stop him. -Yeah.

Stop! Stop! Man-whore business.

Before we present the award for Man-whore of the Year,

let's take a moment to honor those gigolos

who have recently passed.

(ALL CLAPPING)

* Every rose has its thorn

* Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song

* Every rose...

Hey, Daddy. I was lookin' in your underwear drawer

and I found this bracelet.

Holy mother of God. That's not a bracelet, boy.

That is a device that your daddy has to wear on his he...

His he... His he...

-Happy birthday, son, ya got a bracelet. -Ha-ha. Great.

-Let's go. Come on. -JOHNNY: And now, the award you've all been waiting for,

the Man-whore of the Year.

All right, listen. You go get help.

I'll get all the gigolos off the stage.

Okay. Good luck.

Excuse me.

You have to get off the stage right now, or you'll all be killed!

Get the hell out of here, douche, before I have you thrown out.

There's a bomb on the stage!

-You idiot. -You're all gonna die!

I'm the Man-whore Killer! This is a bomb! Everybody out!

-(ALL SCREAMING) -Everybody get out!

-You gotta get out of here! -Ugh.

You'll die with the rest of them, Bigalow.

Those gigolos robbed me of my manhood.

I was never able to satisfy a woman.

I'll see to it that they won't, either.

You don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar. Because you can please a woman.

Those gigolos don't know what they're talkin' about.

Is he talking about us?

Do you really think all a woman wants is some guy to give her a Mud Pretzel

or a Turkish Snow Cone or an Irish Facial?

-Yes, they do, liar. -WOMEN: No.

A woman wants a guy who'll ask her about her day and really listen to her.

Or at least pretend to.

-Yes. -What?

When she's hurting, ask her how she feels. Cry with her.

-CROWD: Yeah! -These gigolos are just ripping women off!

I've never had any complaint from any of those freaks!

I faked it.

A woman doesn't care if you wear a Rolex watch

or have a gigantic schlong like Heinz Hummer.

This guy knows his shit.

What are you doing?

Anyone else?

If you let a woman really know you care about her,

maybe she'll give you an Irish Facial.

We will die together, man-whore.

(GASPING)

You don't have to do this.

-They ruined my life! -Give me the detonator.

No.

My penis exploded.

Okay, that's a tough one. I'll give you that.

But having a penis is way overrated. Trust me.

-No. No. -Gaspar!

Hmm?

(CHEERING)

Are you okay?

We did it! Oh!

ALL: Oh!

That's the grossest thing

I've ever seen.

And I've seen some pretty gross things.

POLICEMAN: In the car. Head down.

I'll be seeing you again, man-whore.

CHADSWORTH: Deuce, you saved the Man-whore Society.

The Golden Boner belongs to you.

Thanks. I... That's very...

This belongs to you too.

Hang it to the left.

You gonna eat that?

-Knock yourself out. -Thank you.

So... I guess this means you're a real gigolo now.

I don't want you to treat me any differently.

How much would you charge me for a kiss?

Well, first one's always free.

-Mmm. Deuce! -What?

Oh, no!

No, it's, it's just this.

* And that's the way I like it

* My garden's a secret

* And that's the way I like it

* So please, baby, please

* Open your heart

Deucey! Whoo! Thank you, Jesus.

Did anybody hurt you in there?

Oh, you askin' if I got ass-punked.

Is that's what's happenin' right now?

Not if you don't wanna talk about it.

Well, turns out, I'm not that attractive.

Well, you should know you've been cleared of murder,

but people still think you're gay.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't tell nobody I'm not gay.

Look at it: T.J., the gay man's pimp.

I mean, I'm gonna corner the market, man.

Check out my new bitches.

-Hello, darling. -Hi, sweetie.

-Hi. -MAN: Love you.

Mmm-hmm.

Let's get some chicken and waffles. My treat.

Oh. You sayin' the first thing a brother wants when he get out of prison

-is chicken and waffles. -DEUCE: Oh, come on.

Hey, get your sheet cocks back to work.

* Step right up and don't be shy

* Because you will not believe your eyes

* She's right here behind the glass

* And you're gonna like her 'cause she's got class

* You can look inside another world

* You get to talk to a pretty girl

* She's everything you dream about

* But don't fall in love

* She's a beauty

* She's one in a million girls

* She's a beauty

* Why would I lie?

* Why would I lie?

* But don't fall in love

* She's a beauty

* She's one in a million girls

* She's a beauty

* Why would I lie?

* One, two, three, four!

* I said no, no, never

* We don't go together

* Oh, I really couldn't take anymore

* Now, it's two weeks later

* I feel such a traitor

* Oh, I let you in my back door

* You're the one who's creepin'

* Rough love's so deceivin'

* I said never again, but here we are

* A pure, pure sweetness

* You're my only weakness

* I said never again, but here we are

* Now, I don't rush in

* I bite my lip and let you know

* I really like the game you play

I'd be better off without you

* But I can't live without you

* No, am I ever gonna break away?

* Ooh, yeah

* You're the one who's creepin'

* Rough love's so deceivin'

* I said never again, but here we are

* A pure, pure sweetness

* You're my only weakness

* I said never again, but here we are

* Yeah

* I try to run, but I don't get too far *

* 'Cause I can't let go I can't take no more

* Boy, I want you so Oh-Oo-Oh

* No, I can't let go I can't take no more

* And I want you so Oh-Oo-Oh

* One, two, three, four!

* You're the one who's creeping

* Rough love's so deceiving

* I said never again, but here we are

* A pure, pure sweetness You're my only weakness

* I said never again, but here we are

* You're the one who's creeping

* Rough love's so deceiving

* I said never again, but here we are

* A pure, pure sweetness You're my only weakness

* I said never again, but here we are

* I said never again, but here we are

* I told you never to play your new guitar *