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1
00:00:02,060 --> 00:00:03,430
[music]
2
00:00:03,430 --> 00:00:04,630
Oh,
I hate reading the newspaper.
3
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:06,630
They cover all the important
society women.
4
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,170
Why not me? Look at this one.
5
00:00:08,170 --> 00:00:10,240
"esmerelda franco, age 52.
6
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:11,170
Left behind 2 children
7
00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:13,470
- And 77 grandchildren."
- that's an obituary.
8
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:14,480
Well, I agree with lillian.
9
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:20,710
Look! Why is there
this stupid str--st--
10
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,420
Ugh, that damn
stringburger baby!
11
00:00:22,420 --> 00:00:24,520
- Yes!
- She gets all the attention
12
00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:25,390
Now--she got lucky.
13
00:00:25,390 --> 00:00:26,790
She's in the paper every day.
14
00:00:26,790 --> 00:00:27,760
Have a little perspective.
15
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,460
- That girl was abducted.
- She's not a girl.
16
00:00:29,460 --> 00:00:31,790
She's a baby,
and she's not even pretty.
17
00:00:31,790 --> 00:00:34,430
I don't understand why some
stupid kidnapped baby
18
00:00:34,430 --> 00:00:35,460
Is getting all this attention.
19
00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:37,800
I have eight babies of my own,
and I can't give them away.
20
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:39,630
An innocent girl
was kidnapped!
21
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:43,600
I'd say that deserves
a little attention.
22
00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:44,540
Damn it, you're right.
23
00:00:44,540 --> 00:00:47,110
If a stupid baby
who can't read, write,
24
00:00:47,110 --> 00:00:48,540
Or make
love is making headlines,
25
00:00:48,540 --> 00:00:52,480
Imagine the hubbub if america's
sweetheart went missing.
26
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:53,680
- Helen keller?
- Santa claus?
27
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,220
- Susan b. Anthony?
- Frederick?
28
00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:58,820
- Harry houdini.
- I'm talking about me!
29
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,120
I'm talking about me.
30
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:05,360
[main title playing]
31
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:13,630
♪ ♪
32
00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:19,310
[whistling music]
33
00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:22,840
Hey! Psst.
34
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:25,550
I hear you're the type of guy
who's not afraid to get
35
00:01:25,550 --> 00:01:28,120
- His hands dirty.
- What?
36
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,350
I hear you are
a deranged criminal.
37
00:01:30,350 --> 00:01:30,980
Oh, that.
38
00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:34,490
Well, one man's jew tracker
is another man's jew--
39
00:01:34,490 --> 00:01:37,520
I didn't come here
for anecdotes from a dogman.
40
00:01:37,530 --> 00:01:39,530
Well, why did you come here,
princess?
41
00:01:39,530 --> 00:01:40,390
I want you to kidnap me.
42
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,460
I want to ride that wave
of abduction fame
43
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,730
That's all the rage right now.
44
00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:49,240
Well, that depends
what you're offering.
45
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,740
What do I think
kidnapping's going to be like?
46
00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:53,840
Hmm. Maybe a little r&r.
47
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,540
Perhaps a maritime
retreat to nova scotia
48
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,710
For a gravlox tasting!
49
00:01:58,710 --> 00:02:02,420
Come later today, after
my hot-air-balloon lesson.
50
00:02:02,420 --> 00:02:03,520
Oh, and do me a favor.
51
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:04,380
Make sure to bathe.
52
00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:09,460
Can't have my shoulder
smelling like a beef roast.
53
00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:11,260
Oh, I'm sorry.
54
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:15,460
Like shit.
55
00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:16,900
[bell tolling]
56
00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:20,300
You rang, madam?
57
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,200
Yes.
I need something from you.
58
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,270
You've already
had enough morphine
59
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,170
To kill a ragtime singer.
60
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,310
No. I've been invited
61
00:02:28,310 --> 00:02:30,340
To a "meeting of the minds"
luncheon
62
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,550
At mark twain's home
in providence.
63
00:02:32,550 --> 00:02:36,280
I simply must go,
but cannot be unattended.
64
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:39,620
I need you to put
on one of my husband's suits
65
00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:41,290
And accompany me
to the luncheon,
66
00:02:41,290 --> 00:02:45,290
Never betraying to anyone
that you are not he.
67
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:47,460
They'll discover the charade
immediately.
68
00:02:47,460 --> 00:02:50,560
I--I carry myself
like a servant.
69
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:52,570
Look. Do you see?
70
00:02:52,570 --> 00:02:55,440
The unsightly gait
of a common flea!
71
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,200
I'm little better
than a gypsy.
72
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:00,370
Half a step
removed from mongoloid.
73
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:01,440
No, madam, I--I beg you.
74
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:06,510
It will never work.
It's simply unthinkable.
75
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:10,350
It is an order.
76
00:03:10,350 --> 00:03:12,750
As you wish, madam.
77
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,660
No, blanche,
I said I wanted this dress.
78
00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:27,200
Oh, but miss beatrice,
this is the exact same dress.
79
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,700
Blanche, I'm not an idiot.
80
00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:29,970
This one is small.
81
00:03:29,970 --> 00:03:31,540
That one is big.
82
00:03:31,540 --> 00:03:34,710
Aah!
I hate you!
83
00:03:34,710 --> 00:03:36,440
Where did you get this dress?
84
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,840
In town?
85
00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:38,580
Burn it!
86
00:03:38,580 --> 00:03:40,480
I look ugly all the time!
87
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:41,380
You hate me, blanche!
88
00:03:41,380 --> 00:03:45,890
You hate me! That's
why you make me dress like this!
89
00:03:45,890 --> 00:03:47,720
I'm sorry, miss beatrice.
90
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:48,560
I--
91
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:49,960
Emotions aren't something
I understand,
92
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,660
But I just keep screaming
until I get my way,
93
00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:54,600
Vomit, or get my way.
94
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:58,270
Clean up the mess
you made, blanche!
95
00:04:01,570 --> 00:04:03,740
"sincerely,
96
00:04:03,740 --> 00:04:07,540
The kidnapper."
97
00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:10,740
[whimsical music]
98
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:14,820
♪ ♪
99
00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:19,520
Oh, farmers.
100
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,790
Farmers.
101
00:04:20,790 --> 00:04:23,860
[moaning]
102
00:04:23,860 --> 00:04:28,600
♪ ♪
103
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,000
[screaming]
104
00:04:52,490 --> 00:04:53,820
[shouting]
105
00:04:53,820 --> 00:04:55,490
What is all that howling
and crashing?
106
00:04:55,490 --> 00:04:57,960
It's just
beatrice's Wednesday tantrum.
107
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,990
She'll vomit,
and then men-stru-ate,
108
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,630
And then all will be well.
109
00:05:02,630 --> 00:05:07,800
One more,
below the 86th parallel.
110
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,700
- Garfield.
- Mm-hmm.
111
00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:11,940
I've never been more afraid.
112
00:05:11,940 --> 00:05:13,440
Don't worry.
You'll do great!
113
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:17,010
I'm not talking about myself,
you syphilitic chimney sweep!
114
00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:20,050
I'm talking about you
running things in my absence.
115
00:05:20,050 --> 00:05:21,480
If so much
as a single cob of corn
116
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,580
Is out of place when I return,
I'll shove it into your rectum
117
00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:28,360
Along with your termination
notice. One more.
118
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,520
You must clean this up,
blanche.
119
00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:32,890
Don't be an idiot.
120
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,830
Don't be--
121
00:05:35,830 --> 00:05:38,030
Don't be an idiot.
122
00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:41,000
[music]
123
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:48,380
♪ ♪
124
00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:52,480
I do spend a lot of time
in paris.
125
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,420
[music]
126
00:05:55,420 --> 00:05:58,950
♪ ♪
127
00:05:58,950 --> 00:06:02,520
Why, peepers,
you look almost human.
128
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:03,890
Madam, I assure you I am not.
129
00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:07,860
Shall I lash myself to the roof,
or stuff myself in the trunk?
130
00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:11,570
Oh, no, no.
You'll ride in back with me.
131
00:06:11,570 --> 00:06:12,200
Oh, no, madam.
132
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,840
My bottom was not meant
for comfortable things,
133
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,970
And it would not be proper.
134
00:06:16,970 --> 00:06:19,510
It is an order.
135
00:06:19,510 --> 00:06:21,910
As you wish, madam.
136
00:06:26,110 --> 00:06:28,750
Really?
137
00:06:28,750 --> 00:06:29,280
[gasps]
138
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,150
[tense music]
- oh.
139
00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:32,820
Hello.
140
00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:35,460
Are you lost? Did you wander
into the wrong manor?
141
00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:38,060
Where are your lady's maids?
Do you want to be best friends?
142
00:06:38,060 --> 00:06:40,090
- I don't understand. What--
- come on.
143
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:40,990
What--
I don't.
144
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,500
I don't think
beatrice knows it's me!
145
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:46,930
Then again, I once saw her get
into an argument with an egg,
146
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,700
And she lost, so.
147
00:06:52,070 --> 00:06:55,180
[sobbing]
148
00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:58,150
[music]
149
00:06:58,150 --> 00:07:00,910
♪ ♪
150
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,150
How dare you treat
me so roughly?
151
00:07:03,150 --> 00:07:05,150
- What the hell was that?
- An abduction.
152
00:07:05,150 --> 00:07:06,850
What do you think
a kidnapping is, huh?
153
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,820
A short sabbatical followed
by international acclaim.
154
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:12,190
I'm the former under-duchess
to former lower bavaria!
155
00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:17,630
Well, you're the current
duchess of my dirt floor.
156
00:07:17,630 --> 00:07:21,100
Now, would you care
for some tea, madam?
157
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:24,740
Finally, a little service
around here.
158
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,010
Oops.
159
00:07:31,010 --> 00:07:32,150
I spilled.
160
00:07:32,150 --> 00:07:33,610
Clean it up, piggy.
161
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:37,520
And while you're at it...
162
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,620
[groaning]
163
00:07:39,620 --> 00:07:40,690
Clean that up too.
164
00:07:40,690 --> 00:07:43,060
If you think I'm going
anywhere
165
00:07:43,060 --> 00:07:44,020
Near that festering mass
166
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:47,230
Of boils you call your penis,
you're wrong.
167
00:07:47,230 --> 00:07:48,800
How do you know
that they're festering?
168
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:49,760
You been thinking about them?
169
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:52,570
Oh, you just you wait until
my family finds my ransom note!
170
00:07:52,570 --> 00:07:54,200
You'll be sorry!
Ah!
171
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,740
I'll slit your throat, princess.
172
00:07:56,740 --> 00:07:59,710
[music]
173
00:07:59,710 --> 00:08:01,640
♪ ♪
174
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,810
Maybe I was being
a little rough on her,
175
00:08:03,810 --> 00:08:08,250
But, hey, she said
she wanted it to seem real.
176
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:09,120
And also, in retrospect,
177
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:14,690
I probably shouldn't have poured
boiling water on my genitals.
178
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:20,060
[music]
179
00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:21,460
Mr. Mark twain.
180
00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:25,070
Dodo! What a pleasure
to see you again.
181
00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:27,470
Last I saw you,
I had the sour-mash shits
182
00:08:27,470 --> 00:08:30,470
At your daughter's husband's
fake funeral.
183
00:08:30,470 --> 00:08:33,110
Nasty affair
that turned out to be.
184
00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:37,010
The funeral or the shits?
185
00:08:37,010 --> 00:08:41,110
This is my husband,
the commodore.
186
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,850
[glass shatters]
- oh, blanche,
187
00:08:42,850 --> 00:08:44,750
I think you might be
the best friend I've ever had.
188
00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:46,490
Except for my bed, david,
but he's more like family.
189
00:08:46,490 --> 00:08:50,820
Well, the last 30 minutes have
been really amazing for me too.
190
00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:52,490
- Can I tell you a secret?
- Yes.
191
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:54,430
We had this servant.
Her name was anna.
192
00:08:54,430 --> 00:08:57,830
That's my sister--'s name.
193
00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:58,800
Oh! Funny.
194
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,130
Well, anna ran away.
195
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,200
Only she didn't run away.
196
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,200
She's in a box, under my bed.
197
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,170
At least, I think she is.
198
00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:06,070
I haven't checked in a while.
199
00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:07,140
Oh! Uh--
200
00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:08,210
Everyone needs hobbies.
201
00:09:08,210 --> 00:09:11,980
Garfield, have blanche
fetch my friend a sandwich.
202
00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:15,950
Oh, but lady beatrice,
this is blanche.
203
00:09:15,950 --> 00:09:17,180
I just said blanche.
204
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,750
You're so stupid!
205
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:20,120
See, sometimes you
have to be mean to them.
206
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,160
They respond better that way.
Ooh, try it!
207
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,490
Well, I'm not sure
that I can do that.
208
00:09:24,490 --> 00:09:26,890
You can do it.
209
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,160
Garfield.
210
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:29,100
Mm-hmm?
211
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,870
You look
like you have rickets.
212
00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:33,270
Oh. How did you know?
213
00:09:33,270 --> 00:09:35,340
Not like that! Garfield.
214
00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:36,370
Yes, ma'am?
215
00:09:36,370 --> 00:09:38,770
You're fired.
216
00:09:38,770 --> 00:09:39,510
I'm a what?
217
00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:41,880
- You're fired.
- I'm fired?
218
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,380
I--this is the worst day
of my life!
219
00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:47,210
Oh, god!
220
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,050
I can't be fired!
221
00:09:49,050 --> 00:09:51,380
I'm just kidding.
You're not fired.
222
00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:52,320
Oh, very good.
223
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,450
I love to watch the light
go out in their eyes.
224
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:56,320
Oh, you got me good--
225
00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:57,490
But get her that sandwich.
226
00:09:57,490 --> 00:10:00,030
Yes, right away.
227
00:10:00,030 --> 00:10:03,130
I'll have to show you anna
later.
228
00:10:03,130 --> 00:10:05,300
Yes, please.
229
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:07,570
[whistling]
230
00:10:07,570 --> 00:10:08,870
Yes.
231
00:10:08,870 --> 00:10:11,070
That's a good little piggy.
232
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:12,270
Clean it up.
233
00:10:12,270 --> 00:10:15,410
You know what?
234
00:10:15,410 --> 00:10:16,380
Cook me dinner.
235
00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:17,310
What's that?
236
00:10:17,310 --> 00:10:18,450
It's a potato.
237
00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:19,480
Where's the silver tray?
238
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,110
Where's the beurre blanc?
239
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,520
Just cook it.
240
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,220
Not with your hands.
241
00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:28,590
Teeth.
242
00:10:28,590 --> 00:10:31,560
[music]
243
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:37,430
♪ ♪
244
00:10:37,430 --> 00:10:40,600
Now, let us begin
with an absinthe toast!
245
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,000
Raise your glasses.
246
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,240
Mmm.
247
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:49,280
Drink up, commodore!
248
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,110
Allow me to introduce
today's guests.
249
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:57,880
The wild-haired superstar of
russian marxism, leon trotsky!
250
00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:02,220
I am just here to further
the cause of the working class.
251
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:03,360
Our next guest is a lawyer
252
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:07,060
Who's gotten me
out of many a fraud charge.
253
00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:09,600
Mohandas gandhi, everyone!
254
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,330
I'm just here
for the white women.
255
00:11:12,330 --> 00:11:16,070
(mark twain)
you wicked oriental elf.
256
00:11:16,070 --> 00:11:16,940
What are you doing, man?
257
00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:18,940
Are you attempting
to serve a warm bisque
258
00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:20,570
With a gazpacho spoon?
259
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,380
What is this, the beer hall?
260
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:27,210
The commodore is a--
a stickler for silverware.
261
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,080
I am a stickler
for the barest standards
262
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,980
Of propriety from a butler!
263
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:34,450
Why is blanche acting
like she isn't one of us?
264
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:36,360
I mean,
it must be switcheroo day.
265
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,560
There is no switcheroo day.
266
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,390
Beatrice is such an idiot, she
can't tell blanche is a servant,
267
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,100
Because she's
wearing her dress.
268
00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,570
But beatrice can't be
an idiot.
269
00:11:45,570 --> 00:11:46,430
She lives upstairs!
270
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:50,970
Sounds like you need
to switcheroo your attitude,
271
00:11:50,970 --> 00:11:52,510
[chuckles]
chair.
272
00:11:52,510 --> 00:11:54,570
Ready to clean, eileen?
273
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,640
"yes, garfield!"
274
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:59,510
Don't get jealous, towel.
275
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,380
I always say,
276
00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:04,080
"have enough servants
to satisfy your every whim,
277
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,690
But not enough
to murder your family."
278
00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:07,990
Excellent point, madam--
279
00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:08,920
Wife--madam wife.
280
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,290
Families should only be
murdered during revolution.
281
00:12:11,290 --> 00:12:13,660
- Gandhi, boy? A rebuttal?
- Well, no offense,
282
00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:16,100
But you sound like you
belong to the bitch caste.
283
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:19,200
I was raped in a gulag
by cossacks.
284
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,170
Do you think your insults
mean anything to me?
285
00:12:22,170 --> 00:12:23,370
I don't know what a gulag is,
286
00:12:23,370 --> 00:12:25,710
But I will send
you right back there!
287
00:12:25,710 --> 00:12:27,240
- Come here!
- Mr. Ghandi!
288
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,280
Mr. Ghandi, mr. Trotsky, please!
289
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,140
Spirited debate is one thing.
290
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:33,680
Violence is quite another.
291
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,220
Non-violence.
292
00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:37,420
I had never thought of that.
293
00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:40,420
Because I'm not
a little bitch!
294
00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:42,220
Ah!
295
00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:43,960
Dear god, please free me.
296
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,060
And if you have time,
make me really famous.
297
00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:47,990
And while you're at it,
god, would you mind
298
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,200
Killing all my enemies
in a fire?
299
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,030
Ooh, but hopefully after they
bathe, so their hair's still wet
300
00:12:52,030 --> 00:12:54,670
And the fire
takes longer to cook them.
301
00:12:54,670 --> 00:12:56,040
Ah!
302
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,270
Praying to god, huh?
303
00:12:58,270 --> 00:12:59,340
You silly little piggy.
304
00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:01,740
What's the latest gossip
in town about my kidnapping?
305
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,980
Has a search party
been sent out?
306
00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:04,980
Are the banks closed?
307
00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:06,650
Well, actually, there's
a real pleasantness in the air.
308
00:13:06,650 --> 00:13:10,480
Like some horrible lingering
fart just left the room.
309
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,650
You know, at first
I was able to accept your abuse
310
00:13:12,650 --> 00:13:16,260
As a realistic detail in
a curated kidnapping experience,
311
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:17,260
But--you're just rude,
312
00:13:17,260 --> 00:13:20,460
And I've taken enough abuse
from you, and I want to go home!
313
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:22,460
Fine! You can go.
314
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:23,630
I won't stop you.
315
00:13:23,630 --> 00:13:27,400
But I imagine the newspapers
will be very interested to know
316
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,040
That you hired me to kidnap you.
317
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,740
Ugh, you're a monster!
318
00:13:31,740 --> 00:13:35,480
- [laughs]
- [grunting]
319
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:39,210
Penis-size-wise,
you're correct.
320
00:13:39,210 --> 00:13:40,010
[chuckles]
321
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:43,320
Your breath
smells like broth.
322
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,150
So you'll stay?
323
00:13:44,150 --> 00:13:48,390
I don't suppose I have
any other choice, do I?
324
00:13:48,390 --> 00:13:51,690
No. No choice.
325
00:13:51,690 --> 00:13:53,160
No choice at all.
326
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,360
[suggestive music]
327
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,530
♪ ♪
328
00:13:58,530 --> 00:14:01,430
Life is not possible
without the working man.
329
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:02,740
Point for the jew!
330
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:03,570
Without the rich,
331
00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:06,440
The serving class would have
nothing to do but gamble,
332
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,340
Eat taffy, and drink gasoline!
333
00:14:08,340 --> 00:14:10,240
But the serving class suffers!
334
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,380
As we should!
335
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:13,550
Uhh--they should!
336
00:14:13,550 --> 00:14:14,280
As they should!
337
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,380
Just imag--a thought.
A thought, everybody.
338
00:14:16,380 --> 00:14:21,320
What would happen
if everybody had enough food?
339
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,060
Uh, we would all have
something to eat.
340
00:14:24,060 --> 00:14:26,590
No! Well, yes, probably.
341
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:27,730
But then what?
342
00:14:27,730 --> 00:14:29,260
Laziness.
343
00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:29,830
Sloth.
344
00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:31,400
Soon, nobody would do anything.
345
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,230
There are always people
who have to do the jobs
346
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,270
That nobody else wants to do.
347
00:14:35,270 --> 00:14:36,440
If the chinamen
had enough to eat,
348
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,340
He wouldn't want to string
the telegraph wires, would he?
349
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:41,740
Look, I don't like chinamen
either, but it's still not fair.
350
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:44,680
We have such a thing
in this world as order.
351
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,280
The strong rule the weak.
352
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:49,220
If there were only strong,
overpopulation ensues!
353
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:51,420
Soon there will be one billion
people on this planet.
354
00:14:51,420 --> 00:14:54,620
Do you think our planet
can afford one billion people?
355
00:14:54,620 --> 00:14:55,690
Of course not! The planet
356
00:14:55,690 --> 00:14:58,730
Itself will sink down into space
and explode.
357
00:14:58,730 --> 00:15:00,190
I'm having a great time.
358
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,260
I am the commodore.
359
00:15:01,260 --> 00:15:02,860
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
360
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,660
Well played.
361
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:07,930
- Ah!
- Ah! Take me!
362
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:10,670
All right.
363
00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:12,370
I'll take you, I guess--
364
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:14,340
Ah, yeah. Ah! Yeah--
365
00:15:14,340 --> 00:15:15,880
Oh, sorry.
366
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:16,840
Sorry. Is your hair okay?
367
00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:18,010
- Take me!
- Okay, yeah, sure.
368
00:15:18,010 --> 00:15:19,850
- I'll--I'll--I'll take you--
- give it to me!
369
00:15:19,850 --> 00:15:23,580
I'll take you.
Yeah, no, just one second here,
370
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,420
And we are off to the races--
371
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,990
- Give me it!
- One second, and--one second.
372
00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:30,520
- Uh-huh. Yes.
- Just one sec--okay.
373
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,830
Oh, no--oh, oh, oh, oh!
Here we go.
374
00:15:32,830 --> 00:15:36,630
- Yeah--no. There. One second.
- Ow.
375
00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:42,800
Oops!
376
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:43,900
I dropped my fork.
377
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,870
Oh, no, that's okay, garfield.
378
00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:47,740
I'd like chair to do it.
379
00:15:47,740 --> 00:15:50,710
[music]
380
00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:54,610
♪ ♪
381
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,650
You're going to
regret this.
382
00:15:57,650 --> 00:15:59,890
Oops! I dropped my fork, too.
383
00:15:59,890 --> 00:16:02,520
Chair, stop making
me drop things!
384
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,720
Oh, I would like
an oyster, please.
385
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:05,630
Hmm.
386
00:16:05,630 --> 00:16:11,000
♪ ♪
387
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,470
Actually, I changed my mind.
388
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,970
I don't want an oyster.
389
00:16:13,970 --> 00:16:14,770
Oh, I do.
390
00:16:14,770 --> 00:16:16,600
Of course,
now that I'm thinking about it,
391
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,600
I would like an oyster.
392
00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:23,680
I feel like I
should have one first.
393
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:24,940
Thank you.
394
00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:29,880
Will you feed it to me?
395
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:33,450
Thank you, chair.
396
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,350
Oops!
397
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,420
I dropped my fork again.
398
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:38,860
[laughter]
399
00:16:38,860 --> 00:16:42,730
Oh. Oh, whoops.
400
00:16:42,730 --> 00:16:47,100
I know I'm not supposed
to feed the animals.
401
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,940
- Oops!
- [laughs]
402
00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:54,440
(both)
meat face! Meat face!
Meat face!
403
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,980
They chose the wrong
bitch to throw meat at.
404
00:16:57,980 --> 00:16:59,980
This doesn't usually
happen to me--
405
00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:01,410
No, no, I know.
406
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:04,520
- Was it because of me?
- It wasn't because of you.
407
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:09,990
I guess it kind of ruined things
when you said you were into it.
408
00:17:09,990 --> 00:17:11,790
Not that I didn't want
you to be into it, but--
409
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:15,160
I just didn't want you to tell
me that you were into it.
410
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,760
It ruins it for me.
411
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:20,900
Next time I'll be sure
to cry and vomit.
412
00:17:22,740 --> 00:17:26,940
- I'm gonna go--
- I--I think you should go.
413
00:17:30,180 --> 00:17:32,850
You were marvelous
this evening.
414
00:17:32,850 --> 00:17:34,950
That's why they
call you the commodore.
415
00:17:34,950 --> 00:17:37,550
- I'm your butler--
- I must repay you
416
00:17:37,550 --> 00:17:40,690
For your brilliant
performance this evening.
417
00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,460
I'm going to blow your bellows.
418
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:46,130
Oh, no, no, no. No, no,
I cannot allow such a thing.
419
00:17:46,130 --> 00:17:46,890
No, no. No.
420
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,430
Madam, I cannot allow
such a proposition.
421
00:17:50,430 --> 00:17:51,130
Unbutton!
422
00:17:51,130 --> 00:17:55,500
That is an order!
[laughs]
423
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:58,040
As you wish, madam.
424
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,640
Ohh!
425
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:06,810
Blanche.
426
00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:08,450
Almost happy to see you.
427
00:18:08,450 --> 00:18:09,780
Now, I had the worst day.
428
00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:11,180
Get me a poultice, a dildo,
429
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,590
And a soft french cheese.
430
00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:14,520
- Yes, my lady.
- Where's beatrice?
431
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,620
She has oyster diarrhea,
my lady.
432
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:17,820
[flatulence]
- what are you doing
433
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:20,530
In that dress?
Take that off immediately!
434
00:18:20,530 --> 00:18:23,800
- Yes, my lady.
- [grunting]
435
00:18:26,870 --> 00:18:29,640
Now, I'll be in my room,
waiting on that dildo.
436
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,470
- Yes, my lady.
- Heat it up in the bath first.
437
00:18:32,470 --> 00:18:34,470
Yes, my lady.
438
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,740
[toilet flushing]
439
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:41,610
Hello, blanche, have you seen
my new friend bla--
440
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,980
Wait a minute.
441
00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:44,220
You're not
blanche the person.
442
00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:45,220
You're blanche the servant!
443
00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:47,250
Get out of my room!
I never want to see you again,
444
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,920
Unless you're bringing
me breakfast,
445
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,160
So I'll see you in the morning!
446
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,060
Yes. What would you like
for breakfast?
447
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:55,160
- Eggs beatrice!
- Yes, my lady.
448
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,900
I'm sorry, my lady.
449
00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,030
[grunts]
450
00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:02,870
Oh! I like this dress!
Mmm.
451
00:19:02,870 --> 00:19:06,610
Oh, I knew the whole time.
I was just having fun.
452
00:19:09,810 --> 00:19:12,580
[electronic music]
453
00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:14,650
Peepers, I don't mean
to be a nosy parker,
454
00:19:14,650 --> 00:19:18,220
But I must tell you
something quite shocking.
455
00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:18,990
What is it, chair?
456
00:19:18,990 --> 00:19:22,160
Blanche spent all of yesterday
in one of beatrice's dresses,
457
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:26,230
Impersonating
an upper-class woman.
458
00:19:26,230 --> 00:19:27,190
Hmm.
459
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,630
Well, I think we can let
this little impropriety slide.
460
00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:36,640
We all deserve a switcheroo
every now and again, eh, chair?
461
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,640
- But, sir--
- ooh, speaking of butts, chair,
462
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,540
There is an oyster situation
in beatrice's water closet
463
00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:44,510
That I need you
to attend to post haste. Go.
464
00:19:44,510 --> 00:19:48,210
Muddy, muddy,
scrubby, scrubby.
465
00:19:54,250 --> 00:19:56,860
I'll need you to skin
those potatoes.
466
00:19:56,860 --> 00:19:59,230
Ask the cook. Not my job!
467
00:19:59,230 --> 00:20:01,460
Turns out I'm your boss.
468
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:06,700
So it's your job now, piggy.
469
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,540
Great.
Now you get hard!
470
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,650
[peaceful music]
471
00:20:21,650 --> 00:20:26,620
♪ ♪
472
00:20:26,620 --> 00:20:31,390
Oh! Oh, ho, peepers!
473
00:20:31,390 --> 00:20:34,430
Oh, what happened last night?
474
00:20:34,430 --> 00:20:38,700
I don't remember anything
after the toast.
475
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:42,800
Oh--no, nothing.
476
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,710
I'm never drinking
absinthe again.
477
00:20:46,710 --> 00:20:47,440
That reminds me,
478
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:51,440
I have a pair of soiled
bloomers from last night
479
00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:52,580
That need laundering.
480
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:55,280
So you--take care of that,
will you?
481
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,920
Muddy, muddy,
scrubby, scrubby.
482
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,990
As you wish, madam.
483
00:21:06,130 --> 00:21:07,860
(female announcer)
next time, on another period...
484
00:21:07,860 --> 00:21:09,930
Dutch pickles, it's a scandal!
Wet christmas, it's a scandal!
485
00:21:09,930 --> 00:21:11,730
Hot wombats, it's a scandal!
486
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:13,500
French knickers, it's a scandal!
487
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:16,000
Scotch frog hats! Dutch capers!
488
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,700
By adam's fig leaf.
489
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:20,640
Stuff my bottom,
let's pop her!
34015
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