Original subtitles

[pleasant string music]

♪ ♪

[groaning]

Welcome home.

[laughing]

Oh.

Oh, my dumb little dumplings.

I'm missed your faces.

Oh, father...

We've missed your gifts.

And who is this?

(commodore) oh, dodo,

Showing your provincial roots again?

You don't recognize celebrated chef chauncey allister?

(chauncey) you told me your daughters were beautiful,

But you mentioned the word "perfection."

I've never seen a creature so...

Robustly formed.

(commodore) I have a big surprise for you.

Last week, senator ambrose burnside

Died in a freak mustache fire.

Yay, thank you, daddy!

That's not the surprise.

(commodore) a u.S. Senate seat has become available.

And frederick,

You shall fill it.

How is frederick qualified to be a senator?

He believes rocks are alive.

(frederick) that is ridiculous.

Some of the older rocks have passed away.

(commodore) how does it feel, son?

You are to be appointed the next u.S. Senator

From the state of rhode island.

I am deeply honored

And very excited for this opportunity.

I only have one question.

What is senate?

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Is being a senator a job?

Mm, it's more like a drinking club

That decides the laws.

Does that mean we can make the laws?

That's exactly what it means.

We're gonna be able to pass any law we want.

Oof!

Milady, could you not

Aim for my face next time?

(lillian) you can't talk to us like that, blanche.

I'll have your head cut off.

Can you imagine blanche without a head?

[laughter]

You know beheadings aren't legal anymore.

(lillian) tell that to the head dump

Father had built on the south end of the estate.

(hortense) all right, sisters, clear the space.

I have this room reserved for my meeting today.

Oh!

You can't have a meeting during cream time.

There's no such thing as cream time!

Yes, there is, it's in the bible.

(hortense) you're throwing cream puffs at my sign?

Oh, no we suck the cream out.

We're just throwing the casings.

[blanche yelps]

You are such pigs!

(hortense) you know, now that frederick and I are politically active,

It makes your decadent laziness all the more obscene.

We are not lazy.

Let's move cream time elsewhere.

Bye, hortense.

Those jack-a-ninnies in washington

Insist that frederick be psychologically vetted

Before he become a senator,

So they sent dr. Sigmund freud to examine my boy.

Name?

Frederick.

Age?

[breathes deeply]

These questions are getting really hard.

Do you understand what a question is?

Well...

Now who's asking the questions?

[chuckles]

Still me.

(commodore) you wanted to see me?

This better be important.

I've called you in here to remind you

That, according to our marital contract,

I am to fellate you seven times a year.

I told you, the saltpeter mines of the congo

Destroyed my sex drive.

I'm so sorry.

- Come here. - I want you so badly.

Just wanted to feel close to my husband.

Yes, I feel the same.

Peepers.

I already filled the syringe, madam.

[sighs]

[moans]

Peepers... [crying]

I fear that commodore is having an affair.

Put the tray over there.

If you want your food,

You're going to have to come and get it.

No!

Hands and knees.

You're going to crawl.

He called out the name "celine" in his sleep.

Sounds french-canadian.

No!

Ugh.

I move in here based on the promise

From some pathetic old fool

That it would be a nice place to keep me close.

Then the bastard disappears.

The thought of him engaging in sexual congress

With a snow-negro...

Oh, no.

I'm sorry, darling.

Why don't you show me just how sorry you are?

Oh...

Yes, my mistress.

[exhales]

You look like you climbed

Out of a pile of dirty underwear.

Leave me alone, troll.

Don't you have a bridge to guard?

I quit that job. Too much billy goat shit.

So that's your scheme, huh?

Feeding your fish to the commodore?

It's pretty obvious.

Ugh!

Ah, what are you--

You always did know how to make me horny.

You say a word, and you are dead man.

Death don't scare me.

I've saved up 50 cents.

That'll do.

For now.

I'm gonna blackmail the shit out of her.

[rhythmic creaking]

Well, suffragettes,

My pitch for our new slogan.

It's straight to the point.

Feels a little "on the nose."

I've been working on something

I'm quite happy with.

We're strong, we're sober,

We're virgins.

Uh, we're not virgins, hortense.

You're not?

No, we have sex all the time.

(deb) look, all I want is for us to vote

And to get reamed from time to time.

Next law: Mandatory bow ties on all dogs.

Of course.

Ooh, and can we put cream time in the bible?

- Mm-hmm. - And chowder bath.

It's my second favorite bath we take on tuesdays.

(frederick) these are all wonderful ideas.

(beatrice) hmm, what else?

What is going on in here?

Ooh, I know, I want you to make a law against hortense.

Done.

Laws don't work like that,

And you should know that if you're going to be a senator.

Do you even know the three branches of government?

(frederick) sure I do.

The nina, the pinta, and the santa clausaria.

See? He knows.

(lillian) well, someone better tell the press

To dust off their adjectives for "beautiful,"

Because beatrice and I are going to be

The face of this political dynasty.

(hortense) I'm sure it will lake your asses to know

That the press will be attending my rally this afternoon.

(lillian) oh, are they doing a story

On using the color brown to accentuate face moles?

[laughter]

They're covering me because I have a cause,

Something I care deeply about.

You should really try it sometime.

I don't care about anything.

As don't I.

[lillian and beatrice scream]

I just realized my cause.

(beatrice) what is it?

Ruining hortense's cause.

♪ regatta, baby ♪

Well, dr. Freud,

Do you have the results of frederick's exam?

I do, and based on my observations,

Frederick suffers

From latent and acute homosexuality.

[coughing]

[wheezing furiously]

That is disgusting!

A homosexual in our family?!

Using our toilets?

The idea roils my stomach!

[spits]

Ugh!

[tray clattering]

Well, that is a perfectly normal reaction.

After all, homosexuality is an abomination.

Am I going to die?

Homosexuality is quite curable.

[sighs]

There are lots of approaches.

There is soaking in the blood

Of a dying clydesdale.

There is eating a live wolverine,

Slathering one's genitals

In a paste of milk and ground elephant tusk,

Leeches on the anus,

An electrical current to the anus.

Also training in the masculine arts.

(commodore) he'll be sworn in as senator on Friday.

You give us until then to file the report.

We'll beat this.

To be queer or not to be queer,

That is the queer-stion.

[lightning crashes]

Whether to live my life as a homo-szechwan

Or the fight the good fight and cure myself

Of this terrible and somewhat tempting disease.

[thunder crashes]

[bell tolls]

Excuse me, chef?

I was wondering if you could make some more hors d'oeuvres.

My sisters sucked the fillings out of all of the canapes.

Mm, serving you would be a most delicious pleasure.

Oh, uh, well, we should hurry.

I don't want to miss the meeting.

I'm a man who likes to take his time.

I like to eat a dish when it's...

Ready to be eaten.

Oh...

Can you wait?

Ye--[wheezing] [whispers] yes.

[gulps] yes.

♪ billionaire, billionaire ♪

♪ bitch, kiss the ring ♪

[knocking]

What, what is it? What do you want?

Father said you could instruct me in the art of manhood.

Ah, that I can.

I help homosexuals stop making the choice

To be homosexuals.

It's a hobby.

Now, the most important thing about being a man

Is learning to entice--

Nay, entrap the ladies.

And I've got the perfect system to do this.

Hand me that pig's blood.

[applause]

(eunice) thank you, thank you.

And we will not rest

Until every woman everywhere

Has the right to vote!

[applause]

Kill yourself!

(eunice) what is happening?

Move over, bowery boys.

What is happening is, you're trying to ruin

A permanent vacation for half the species.

Yeah, and no one ruins vacations except for me

When I've had too much or too little sugar!

If women are allowed to vote, it could lead to a world

Where women become doctors or lawyers

Or, god forbid, tennis players.

Yeah, that's bad!

You don't know what you're talking about.

Women should make their own decisions.

You can't just let men buy you things.

Well, obviously, you have no idea

What it's like to be pretty.

Hit it, beatrice.

[playing yankee doodle]

I have a dream,

A dream where women will never be allowed

To vote, own property, or handle money.

I have a dream

That women will stay as they currently are.

We are in the golden age

Of women not having to do anything.

Let's keep it that way.

Yeah, women shouldn't have voices!

Raise your hand if you don't want to vote.

(both) no votes for women!

No votes for women!

No, votes for women!

(both) no votes for women!

(all) no, votes for women!

Oh, we're all saying the same thing.

No votes for women.

No, I have a period

Between "no" and "votes for women."

Ew, that's disgusting.

And "h."

If all else fails, hit them.

H-a-m-I-s-h.

Hamish. Patent pending.

And you say this works every time?

(hamish) I haven't struck out yet.

I've been working a slow burn on blanche

For the last six years.

Soon she will be like elk liver in my hands.

(hamish) so, ready to try one out?

Frederick, stand up.

Garfield, pretend to be a woman.

No, use me.

I'm twice the woman she is.

Fine.

[giggles]

That a boy.

Way to bring the heat.

Now, let's try a little aggression.

You have a small wee-wee.

Oh, all right.

Not a very applicable insult for women,

But you get the idea.

Now, mesmerize.

[soft string music]

I feel like I'm drowning in your eyes.

Exactly.

Isolate!

Now say her name.

Vigtar.

My name is...Victor.

Really? That doesn't sound like a name at all.

That's my name, is victor.

- Victor? - Yes.

It's always been my name.

No, vigtar is your name.

- No, vic-- - vigtar--

(hamish) just hit her!

Oh!

I said hit her!

Yes, hit her!

Just do it!

Make me feel something.

God, I can't.

I'm sorry.

Hitting a woman seems almost unnatural to me.

Oh, maybe I am a homosexual.

(hamish) everyone in that house seems gay to me.

[chuckles]

Ooh.

[moaning]

What is--

[moaning]

[giggling]

Oh...Oh...

Mm.

[giggles]

Mm.

Oh. [laughs]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[both moaning]

Oh, I've got one more blood sausage for you to taste.

♪ I'm the king, baby ♪

♪ I'm the boss ♪

Yes, celine!

Okay.

I'm done.

No, I'm so close!

I know.

That's why I'm done.

[whimpering]

You torture me so.

Oh, I love you.

You've never said that before.

Well, we've never discussed this

When I was so close to orgasming.

If you love me, prove it.

I'll do anything for you.

I want a bedroom.

Upstairs.

I'll see what I can do,

But you must be patient.

[blows air]

[gasps]

[groans]

Look at that!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

The volume is... Unbelievable.

[groaning]

[sighs]

(commodore) oh!

A second! This is rare.

- No votes for women! - No, votes for women!

- No votes for women! - No, votes for women!

No votes for women!

You cream-sucking bitches

Need to get off the stage.

[shouting]

[women screaming]

[glass shatters]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[glass shatters]

[screaming]

- No! - Let me do it!

[groaning]

Aah!

Stop! Stop it!

Stop fighting!

You have all contracted hysteria.

[squish] aah!

Oh!

Oh, I don't really care if women get to vote.

I'm rich; laws don't affect me.

Plus, I just felt like ruining hortense's day.

(beatrice) I care.

Women shouldn't get to vote for another million years.

How did I get hysteria?

Am I gonna go to heaven like uncle buster?

No.

But it is believed that female sex moisture

Turns venomous if not released through regular climax.

What? Oh, no.

I haven't climaxed

Since horseback riding lessons when I was a girl.

No one worry.

Pater freud is here.

Now, blanche, please,

Stimulate beatrice with a feather,

Lightly at first.

Um...

Oh, [bleep], [bleep], [bleep]!

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, [bleep]!

[beatrice moaning]

Ah!

Hmm.

[beatrice sighs]

Did you already orgasm?

Is that where I get the quiver-shakes,

And I'm transported to a ghost purgatory on a beam of light

And then I ask for forgiveness?

I've never seen this before.

Blanche, continue.

Let's see if beatrice has multi-orgasms.

Ah!

Yeah.

[moaning, screaming]

Mm.

Well, I'd say you're cured.

I will treat this patient myself.

[device buzzing]

[grunts]

Now, pelvic contractions

Will release pent-up uterine energies

Which have been affecting your moods.

If you want to improve my mood,

You're gonna need to use another finger.

Now, dodo, in some elderly specimens such as yourself,

A more strident course of stimulation is required.

Servant, begin.

[bike whirring]

Faster, garfield, faster!

Faster, faster!

[women moaning]

Remember when I was going to make all those laws you wanted?

- I can't. - Oh, no.

Did you get fired from the senate

For having excitement pee?

No, I--

I have homosexual disease.

Oh, no.

Dr. Floyd is on his way,

And I'm going to tell him that the treatment's failed.

Is there anything I can do to help?

I don't think so.

I have to start having sexual relations with men.

It's doctor's orders.

This is all my fault.

Why is it your fault?

I don't know.

I just like to make everything about myself.

That's why I love you.

So confusing.

Yeah.

I'm a confirmed homosexual,

And yet everything in my body

Is telling me to pull off your robe

And slide myself into your pubic mound.

And yet you can't.

And yet it feels so right.

Why must I be a homosexual?

Why?!

Ugh!

(dr. Freud) what is going on in here?

Nothing!

Frederick, look at you.

You are cured.

The masculinity training must have done the trick.

I officially declare you a non-homosexual.

Oh, frederick, I'm so proud of you.

You're not concerned at all with the fact

That I'm having sex with my sister?

Seems perfectly natural to me.

Carry on.

There comes a time in every man's life

When he must choose between doing

What his mother wants him to do

And what his sister wants him to do.

And I've realized that my country needs me

In washington, b.C.

Yes, let's go.

What is going on in here?

What is going on in here?

(hortense) what is going on in here?

What are you doing?

What the hell was that?

What the hell was that?

What is happening?

What? What is it? What do you want?

What is this?

What is this, baltimore?