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1
00:00:01,300 --> 00:00:02,800
[sharp whoosh]
2
00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:06,488
(Beatrice)
Mother, I came in second again.
3
00:00:06,623 --> 00:00:07,705
Out of two.
4
00:00:07,824 --> 00:00:09,908
Oh, so very proud of you, dear.
5
00:00:13,997 --> 00:00:16,915
[suspenseful music]
6
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,918
♪ ♪
7
00:00:20,003 --> 00:00:22,053
[thud]
8
00:00:22,172 --> 00:00:24,172
You're splashing about
like a mermaid.
9
00:00:24,307 --> 00:00:25,974
That will do, Sloppy Sally.
10
00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:28,009
You girls should stop
playing tennis
11
00:00:28,144 --> 00:00:29,344
and take up air weaponry.
12
00:00:29,479 --> 00:00:33,314
Exercise dries the womb
and gives you bicycle face.
13
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:34,816
What's bicycle face?
14
00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:36,768
A hideous byproduct of exertion
15
00:00:36,853 --> 00:00:40,355
that causes a woman's face to
contort and her eyes to bulge.
16
00:00:40,490 --> 00:00:41,773
[bell dings]
17
00:00:41,858 --> 00:00:42,607
Ha!
18
00:00:42,692 --> 00:00:43,775
See?
Bicycle face.
19
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:45,243
(Hortense)
Mother, are you aware
20
00:00:45,362 --> 00:00:46,611
that the Newport's
Most Beautiful pageant
21
00:00:46,696 --> 00:00:48,196
is being hosted in our home,
22
00:00:48,331 --> 00:00:50,865
and I had to read about it
in the Looky Loo to find out?
23
00:00:51,001 --> 00:00:53,117
Hore, we always host
the pageant.
24
00:00:53,203 --> 00:00:55,420
I'm not talking
about the vegetable competition.
25
00:00:55,539 --> 00:00:57,171
I'm not anti-entertainment.
26
00:00:57,257 --> 00:01:01,543
But they have opened
the pageant up to humans.
27
00:01:01,678 --> 00:01:03,211
A human beauty pageant?
28
00:01:03,346 --> 00:01:04,546
That's absurd.
29
00:01:04,681 --> 00:01:06,965
Only cabbages should
be judged on their beauty.
30
00:01:07,050 --> 00:01:08,016
Let me see that.
31
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:08,933
It says it right here.
32
00:01:09,052 --> 00:01:10,468
Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant
33
00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:11,719
is now going to be a competition
34
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,304
between cabbages,
women, and babies.
35
00:01:13,390 --> 00:01:14,606
It's dehumanizing!
36
00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,391
In my day, a woman was judged
37
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:18,560
only on her fertility, silence,
38
00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:20,144
and threshold for pain.
39
00:01:20,230 --> 00:01:23,565
The winner is to appear
on a biscuit tin.
40
00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,283
- I'll enter.
- Me too.
41
00:01:25,402 --> 00:01:26,451
I can't wait till we win.
42
00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:27,819
Beatrice,
only one of us can win,
43
00:01:27,904 --> 00:01:29,404
and we both know
your head shape
44
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:30,705
cannot support a tiara.
45
00:01:30,790 --> 00:01:31,906
I am not going to stand by
46
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,992
and allow this vulgarity
to occur.
47
00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:37,579
[eagle screeches]
48
00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:38,546
[sharp whoosh]
49
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:39,747
[eagle screams]
50
00:01:39,883 --> 00:01:40,548
Ha-ha!
51
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,166
Majestic no more!
52
00:01:42,252 --> 00:01:45,169
[hip-hop music]
53
00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:56,790
54
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,400
This is the most important
week of your lives.
55
00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:01,436
Our service must be peerless.
56
00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:03,021
We can have
no more abominations,
57
00:02:03,106 --> 00:02:06,524
like today's
table cloth-tastrophy.
58
00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:08,192
(Peepers)
Look at this.
59
00:02:08,278 --> 00:02:11,496
A champagne stain as big as
a brood mare's birthing cannon.
60
00:02:11,615 --> 00:02:14,782
Spilt by an unskilled
ham-fist.
61
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,252
Oh, I see it.
62
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:20,038
No, you don't.
There's nothing there.
63
00:02:20,123 --> 00:02:21,923
What, have you got
shit in your eyes?
64
00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:22,790
Enough.
65
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,125
(Peepers)
I blame myself.
66
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,710
Obviously I haven't
trained you properly.
67
00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:31,265
Even a bull can give milk,
if you pump it hard enough.
68
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,017
Servants dismissed.
69
00:02:35,271 --> 00:02:36,854
Chair.
70
00:02:36,973 --> 00:02:38,222
Stay.
71
00:02:39,976 --> 00:02:41,109
(Frederick)
The pageant categories
72
00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:45,113
are talent, bathing costumes,
and Q&A.
73
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:46,197
Q-nay?
74
00:02:46,316 --> 00:02:47,482
Question and answer.
75
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:48,650
(Frederick)
Let's focus on talent.
76
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:50,068
What are you good at?
77
00:02:50,153 --> 00:02:51,569
Everybody tells me
I'm good at everything.
78
00:02:51,655 --> 00:02:53,237
Well, why don't we try singing?
79
00:02:53,323 --> 00:02:55,239
Ooh, okay.
80
00:02:55,325 --> 00:02:58,159
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪
81
00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:01,329
[atonal moan]
82
00:03:01,414 --> 00:03:04,716
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪
83
00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:07,502
[atonal moan]
84
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,170
Do you know any more songs?
85
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:10,304
Oh, songs.
86
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:11,839
I thought we were
just making noises.
87
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,174
- Oh.
- How about this one?
88
00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:16,227
[operatically]
O mio babbino caro...
89
00:03:19,182 --> 00:03:20,765
Like that?
90
00:03:20,850 --> 00:03:21,933
I can't decide.
91
00:03:22,018 --> 00:03:23,935
I liked all of your songs
the same.
92
00:03:26,022 --> 00:03:29,073
(Dr. Goldberg)
Scalpel.
93
00:03:29,192 --> 00:03:30,692
(Victor)
Please don't let him die.
94
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:33,077
Never had a white man die
on my watch.
95
00:03:33,196 --> 00:03:34,862
[squelching]
96
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,198
Ah.
97
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:38,783
Wow.
98
00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:40,702
This competition
was Albert's baby.
99
00:03:40,837 --> 00:03:43,371
(Victor) His vegetables won
Newport's Most Beautiful pageant
100
00:03:43,506 --> 00:03:45,790
for the last five years.
101
00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:47,842
This is last year's winner,
102
00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:49,343
the Pink Surprise,
103
00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:52,346
a sinful combination
of Scottish high potato
104
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:54,048
crossed with
a hothouse eggplant.
105
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,184
(Victor)
And this blue ribbon winner
106
00:03:56,269 --> 00:04:00,521
is a daikon root
I call "Hop On It."
107
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:01,639
Look at that thing.
108
00:04:01,725 --> 00:04:03,558
So proud of it.
109
00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:06,360
I've decided to honor
Albert's legacy
110
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:09,363
by coaching the biggest
vegetable I know--
111
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:10,982
other than you, honey.
112
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:13,117
I'm speaking, of course,
about Lillian.
113
00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:14,819
Which side do you think
is better for the biscuit tin?
114
00:04:14,904 --> 00:04:16,904
The right or the left?
115
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,539
Is there a third choice?
116
00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:21,325
Now, we need to choreograph
a dance if you want to win.
117
00:04:21,411 --> 00:04:23,828
Maybe this biscuit tin
will be just the beginning.
118
00:04:23,913 --> 00:04:27,799
Imagine my face on a milk jar,
or an oat sack.
119
00:04:27,917 --> 00:04:30,084
I can only imagine your face
on a nut sack.
120
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:31,753
Isn't there
an award-winning cucumber
121
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:33,421
you could go sit on?
122
00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:34,589
Listen, honey, there's not time
123
00:04:34,724 --> 00:04:35,890
to break your nose
and reset it.
124
00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:37,391
I'm telling you,
if you want to win,
125
00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:38,843
I have to coach you.
126
00:04:38,928 --> 00:04:40,311
I am a once-in-a-generation
beauty.
127
00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:41,345
[scoffs]
128
00:04:41,431 --> 00:04:42,680
Who on earth could beat me?
129
00:04:42,766 --> 00:04:43,981
[sighs]
130
00:04:44,934 --> 00:04:46,601
(Victor)
Literally all of them,
131
00:04:46,736 --> 00:04:49,153
especially that cabbage.
132
00:04:49,272 --> 00:04:50,738
Help me.
133
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,491
(Hortense) Now we all know this
pageant simply cannot proceed.
134
00:04:53,610 --> 00:04:54,609
Here, here.
135
00:04:54,694 --> 00:04:55,827
I propose one of us enter
136
00:04:55,945 --> 00:04:57,612
and bring it down
from the inside.
137
00:04:57,697 --> 00:04:59,113
Yes, but whom?
138
00:04:59,249 --> 00:05:02,784
Whomever is the most
attractive, I suppose.
139
00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:11,876
Well, Hortense,
140
00:05:11,961 --> 00:05:13,461
you do have a stately brow
141
00:05:13,596 --> 00:05:15,463
and businesslike
shoulder blades.
142
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:16,798
Thank you.
143
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:18,349
And Cornetta,
your unfortunate gum line
144
00:05:18,468 --> 00:05:21,302
is barely noticeable due to
the stoutness of your carriage.
145
00:05:21,387 --> 00:05:22,386
Thank you.
146
00:05:22,472 --> 00:05:23,638
And Abortion Deb,
147
00:05:23,773 --> 00:05:25,857
your hair is the color
of baked bread.
148
00:05:25,975 --> 00:05:27,391
Oh, thank you.
149
00:05:27,477 --> 00:05:31,312
And Eunice, your body's
as pale as tooth powder.
150
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,780
Thank you.
151
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,816
But ultimately, I do believe
152
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,818
it is Hortense
who is the most comely.
153
00:05:36,953 --> 00:05:38,069
(Abortion Deb)
I agree.
154
00:05:38,154 --> 00:05:39,871
Most people only have
one beauty mark,
155
00:05:39,989 --> 00:05:42,323
but you have so, so many.
156
00:05:42,458 --> 00:05:44,325
You are definitely
the comeliest.
157
00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:45,910
You shall enter.
158
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:52,250
Being incredibly rich
means we can afford
159
00:05:52,335 --> 00:05:53,501
any host we want.
160
00:05:53,586 --> 00:05:54,919
But no one good was available,
161
00:05:55,004 --> 00:05:57,505
so we got stuck
with Dan Ringling.
162
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,007
[applause]
163
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:06,013
♪ The Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant ♪
164
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:08,065
♪ Newport's Most Beautiful ♪
165
00:06:08,184 --> 00:06:09,684
♪ Newport's most gay ♪
166
00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:11,102
♪ Newport's Most Beautiful ♪
167
00:06:11,187 --> 00:06:12,854
♪ It's happening today ♪
168
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:16,240
♪ Babies, cabbages, women,
whoa ♪
169
00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:19,443
♪ Who will be the victor
of the show? ♪
170
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:25,199
[breathing heavily]
171
00:06:25,335 --> 00:06:27,702
(Dan)
Babies, cabbages,
172
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:29,253
and beautiful women.
173
00:06:29,372 --> 00:06:31,205
It's almost as if we're in
some sort of
174
00:06:31,341 --> 00:06:34,342
weird pervert's sexual fantasy.
175
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:37,378
[jaunty piano music]
176
00:06:42,886 --> 00:06:44,051
Good luck, Lillian.
177
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,970
Save your mind games, Beatrice.
178
00:06:46,055 --> 00:06:48,940
Are you sure we shouldn't
have her "disqualified"?
179
00:06:49,058 --> 00:06:50,474
Oh, she's a non-threat,
180
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,443
unless they're judging on
"looking confused,"
181
00:06:52,562 --> 00:06:55,313
"incest,"
or "freestyle dummy talk."
182
00:06:55,398 --> 00:06:58,199
Now let's ogle our next
human contestants.
183
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:02,453
Lillian Abigail Hitler
Schmemmerhorn-Fish!
184
00:07:03,907 --> 00:07:07,325
Present and ready to win.
185
00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:10,711
Miss Beatrice Tiffani
Ambitheissen Downsy.
186
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:14,298
[cheers and applause]
187
00:07:14,417 --> 00:07:16,083
Also present.
188
00:07:19,472 --> 00:07:22,924
And Miss Hortense
Jefferson Library Bellacourt.
189
00:07:23,059 --> 00:07:24,675
[sparse applause]
190
00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:27,178
(Dan) Even though there's 100%
certainty she will not win,
191
00:07:27,263 --> 00:07:29,180
she is technically
a female adult
192
00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:31,599
and, therefore,
is allowed to enter.
193
00:07:31,684 --> 00:07:33,818
Are you kidding me?
194
00:07:33,937 --> 00:07:35,269
Are you blind?
195
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:38,272
Let's get started
with the compulsories.
196
00:07:38,408 --> 00:07:39,607
This way.
197
00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:41,776
Okay, turn.
198
00:07:41,911 --> 00:07:43,327
What are you doing here?
199
00:07:43,446 --> 00:07:45,329
Fighting for women's
liberation.
200
00:07:51,322 --> 00:07:52,604
Before I'm crowned the winner,
201
00:07:52,690 --> 00:07:54,106
they must make sure
all the contestants
202
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:57,242
meet the barest standards
of human beauty.
203
00:07:57,328 --> 00:07:59,161
This is a lot better
than having gone to college.
204
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,330
Now, remember,
we're looking for 32 teeth.
205
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,115
(Dan)
No yellows, no wooden.
206
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,283
See that?
Let me see that?
207
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:06,034
Excuse me.
208
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,953
(Scoops) For those who are
worthy of knowing me,
209
00:08:08,038 --> 00:08:10,856
I am Scoops LePue.
210
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,674
I cover all things
whisper-worthy
211
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,344
in the Newport Looky Loo.
212
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,431
[applause]
213
00:08:19,517 --> 00:08:21,466
Beatrice, if you please.
214
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:27,389
Lillian.
215
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,452
I'm fine!
216
00:08:40,538 --> 00:08:43,488
[grunting]
217
00:08:43,574 --> 00:08:44,656
Oh, come on now.
218
00:08:44,742 --> 00:08:46,792
Ah!
219
00:08:46,877 --> 00:08:48,827
The hips may try,
but the silhouette don't lie.
220
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,412
Masculine-jawed woman,
221
00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,497
you are officially disqualified
from the competition.
222
00:08:52,583 --> 00:08:54,166
Disgusting.
223
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:55,384
Please, I can get through.
224
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:56,168
Get out!
225
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,386
Give me another second.
226
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:58,887
(Dan)
A stick of butter?
227
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,672
Okay.
228
00:09:00,758 --> 00:09:02,341
Destroyed my silhouette.
229
00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:04,393
Let's go, let's go.
230
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:08,480
♪ billionaire, billionaire,
bitch, kiss the ring ♪
231
00:09:08,566 --> 00:09:10,349
Your first lesson is,
you must learn
232
00:09:10,484 --> 00:09:13,518
to blend into the walls
when a family member passes.
233
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,572
You must be as the chameleon,
234
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,657
servant of the desert.
235
00:09:18,742 --> 00:09:19,775
Like this.
236
00:09:21,996 --> 00:09:23,028
Do you see?
237
00:09:23,113 --> 00:09:25,364
Service is a calling
238
00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:27,082
from the Loudon Agency.
239
00:09:27,201 --> 00:09:28,283
They take 10%,
240
00:09:28,369 --> 00:09:30,369
which I will garnish
from your wages.
241
00:09:30,504 --> 00:09:33,372
The lady of the house
approaches-- blend!
242
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:36,341
(Peepers)
Blend more.
243
00:09:36,427 --> 00:09:38,210
(Chair)
I'm blending.
244
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,546
And release.
245
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,552
You are an abomination.
246
00:09:50,641 --> 00:09:51,857
Wonderful.
247
00:09:51,942 --> 00:09:53,642
Beautiful.
248
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,444
Well, we've seen the cabbages.
249
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:56,945
We've smelled the babies.
250
00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,730
Now let's quiz the humans.
251
00:09:58,816 --> 00:10:00,532
Please welcome Beatrice.
252
00:10:00,618 --> 00:10:03,235
[applause]
253
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:04,786
Kiss for luck?
254
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,405
Oh.
255
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:07,789
Okay.
256
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,291
Ooh, a hard one.
257
00:10:09,410 --> 00:10:11,994
What is your favorite
time of day?
258
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,546
[clock ticking]
259
00:10:14,632 --> 00:10:15,914
Um...
260
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,917
[suspenseful music]
261
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:20,969
♪ ♪
262
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,755
I think I should ask a man.
263
00:10:23,891 --> 00:10:26,892
(Dan) I can't think of a better
answer from a prettier gal.
264
00:10:26,977 --> 00:10:28,894
It's like watching a dog talk.
265
00:10:28,979 --> 00:10:31,930
A beautiful dog
that I'd like to penetrate.
266
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,231
And now Lillian.
267
00:10:33,317 --> 00:10:35,817
[applause]
268
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,185
Just a kiss for luck?
269
00:10:37,271 --> 00:10:39,438
I don't need luck.
270
00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:40,939
Very well.
271
00:10:41,025 --> 00:10:42,190
Pick a good question for you.
272
00:10:42,276 --> 00:10:43,825
Nope, not that one.
273
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,610
Ah, here we are.
274
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,946
Given the passage
of the 1902 Organic Act
275
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:49,414
granting limited
self-government
276
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:50,949
to the people
of the Philippines,
277
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:53,035
what policies can engender
longtime maritime futures
278
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,336
in the region?
279
00:10:54,455 --> 00:10:56,004
Please include
possible naval advances
280
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,373
of the Japanese in your answer.
281
00:10:58,459 --> 00:11:00,876
What-- what kind
of question is that?
282
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,962
I want one like Beatrice got.
283
00:11:04,048 --> 00:11:05,764
A little lippy,
not encouraging.
284
00:11:05,849 --> 00:11:07,966
Judges?
285
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:09,518
Ugh!
286
00:11:10,387 --> 00:11:11,636
What the hell was that?
287
00:11:11,722 --> 00:11:12,637
You got cocky.
288
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,606
No one likes a confident woman.
289
00:11:14,692 --> 00:11:18,143
We'll make up for it
in the swimsuit competition.
290
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,778
You've got that one cold.
291
00:11:19,863 --> 00:11:23,615
I mean, who wants to see a tall,
leggy blonde in a swimsuit?
292
00:11:23,701 --> 00:11:24,866
Not me.
293
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,673
You were the best out there.
294
00:11:26,674 --> 00:11:29,430
- Oh, I loved it so much. And I got 10!
- You did!
295
00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:30,906
Here.
296
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,157
Oh, no.
297
00:11:32,242 --> 00:11:33,158
Oh, don't worry,
it's all vodka.
298
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,543
Oh.
299
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:35,961
Again.
300
00:11:36,046 --> 00:11:37,963
[inspirational music]
301
00:11:38,048 --> 00:11:40,415
No, again.
302
00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:41,500
(Peepers)
Again.
303
00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:43,668
(Dan)
♪ O Cabbages ♪
304
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,470
♪ Leafy cabbages ♪
305
00:11:45,556 --> 00:11:46,755
(Peepers) - Again!
- [crying]
306
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,507
You pour champagne
like a chimpanzee.
307
00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:50,008
Again!
308
00:11:50,094 --> 00:11:51,843
Muriel the Baby.
309
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:52,844
[applause]
310
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,429
[Dan laughs]
311
00:11:58,402 --> 00:12:00,152
You'll pour until
I tell you to stop.
312
00:12:00,237 --> 00:12:01,153
- Oh, damn you!
- [crying] No, God!
313
00:12:01,238 --> 00:12:02,988
Again, again, again!
314
00:12:03,073 --> 00:12:04,239
(Dan)
♪ Swimsuits ♪
315
00:12:04,358 --> 00:12:06,992
♪ 20th century swimsuits ♪
316
00:12:07,077 --> 00:12:09,277
[applause]
317
00:12:16,537 --> 00:12:18,420
- Again!
- I can't do it!
318
00:12:18,539 --> 00:12:20,038
You can and you will!
319
00:12:22,626 --> 00:12:24,042
(Dan)
Wonderful.
320
00:12:24,128 --> 00:12:25,710
[applause]
321
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,096
Ow!
322
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:29,765
(Dan)
Okay.
323
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,716
Yes, Chair,
that's how you pour champagne.
324
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,185
Again.
325
00:12:33,270 --> 00:12:34,770
[laughing]
326
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:37,305
Wonderful, Chair,
you've done it!
327
00:12:41,645 --> 00:12:43,979
- All right, cut it out.
- Cut what out?
328
00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:45,864
- You know what you're doing.
- I never know what I'm doing.
329
00:12:45,949 --> 00:12:47,532
I barely know
what I'm saying right now.
330
00:12:47,618 --> 00:12:49,901
Stop winning.
I'm supposed to get the crown!
331
00:12:49,987 --> 00:12:51,820
Oh, what, I can't be better
than you at anything?
332
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:54,072
That's the dynamic that's
been working for us so far!
333
00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:55,457
Well, I don't accept
that paradigm!
334
00:12:55,576 --> 00:12:57,075
I'll see you
at the breakfast table.
335
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:58,326
I'll be the one smiling at you
336
00:12:58,412 --> 00:12:59,628
from the inside
of a biscuit tin.
337
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:01,997
It's the outside
of a biscuit tin,
338
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,915
you human potato!
339
00:13:07,004 --> 00:13:08,253
Egh!
340
00:13:08,338 --> 00:13:09,921
Don't worry, my love.
341
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:13,675
We still have a lucky clover
up our sleeve.
342
00:13:15,596 --> 00:13:18,346
Such delicious gruel today,
isn't it, Towel?
343
00:13:18,432 --> 00:13:21,316
All right, you can have
a little bite.
344
00:13:21,435 --> 00:13:23,268
Listen, everybody.
345
00:13:25,522 --> 00:13:28,607
The pageant has filled
the porcelain with poopy.
346
00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:30,575
Chair, the next chapter
in your training
347
00:13:30,661 --> 00:13:32,577
is to transport the feces
to the ocean
348
00:13:32,663 --> 00:13:33,945
throughout the festivities.
349
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:35,280
I'll help her.
350
00:13:35,365 --> 00:13:36,448
No, I'm fine.
351
00:13:36,533 --> 00:13:39,284
I can transport
the feces on my own.
352
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:40,952
It would be good
to have two people
353
00:13:41,038 --> 00:13:42,537
on such an important task.
354
00:13:42,623 --> 00:13:46,007
Yes, Hamish, go with her.
355
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,792
Great.
356
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,604
God, how much feces
can these people produce?
357
00:13:59,690 --> 00:14:02,274
Whatever amount keeps you
gainfully employed.
358
00:14:02,359 --> 00:14:04,226
How much further is the sea?
359
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,278
I ain't no mapmaker.
360
00:14:06,363 --> 00:14:07,529
I don't stops walking
361
00:14:07,648 --> 00:14:10,782
until the sea water
is in my nose.
362
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:11,700
[gagging]
363
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:12,984
I think I'm gonna be sick.
364
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,036
Oh, not me.
365
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:16,538
[breathes deeply]
366
00:14:16,657 --> 00:14:17,822
Reminds me of that time
367
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:21,877
we split guts at that
oceanside shanty.
368
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,962
That was some boning
for the ages, huh?
369
00:14:24,047 --> 00:14:25,213
[retching]
370
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,532
Not in the feces!
371
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,167
The thought of us
makes you sick?
372
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:32,420
Everything about you
makes me sick.
373
00:14:32,506 --> 00:14:34,005
- You want to push me, huh?
- No.
374
00:14:34,091 --> 00:14:35,340
You want to push me?
375
00:14:35,425 --> 00:14:38,093
I can make things
much worse for you here.
376
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,761
(woman)
Hello.
377
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,017
We need something from you.
378
00:14:53,448 --> 00:14:54,998
Whoo!
379
00:14:55,116 --> 00:14:56,199
Thank you, Cora.
380
00:14:56,284 --> 00:14:58,117
I have never seen
a suitcase packed so fast.
381
00:14:58,203 --> 00:14:59,669
Now, that is talent.
382
00:14:59,788 --> 00:15:03,423
Up next is
the strangely angry Lillian.
383
00:15:03,525 --> 00:15:04,958
(Victor)
With Albert still unconscious,
384
00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:07,010
Lillian's abysmal performance
385
00:15:07,128 --> 00:15:09,929
threatens to undo
Albert's winning streak.
386
00:15:10,015 --> 00:15:13,099
Time to dust off
an old crowd-pleaser.
387
00:15:13,184 --> 00:15:14,267
Aye, there.
388
00:15:14,352 --> 00:15:16,970
Who has me potato?
389
00:15:17,055 --> 00:15:18,304
Mick Face.
390
00:15:18,390 --> 00:15:19,305
[laughter]
391
00:15:19,391 --> 00:15:20,306
♪ I drink all night ♪
392
00:15:20,392 --> 00:15:21,524
♪ I drink all day ♪
393
00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:23,142
♪ I punch me wife
the Irish way ♪
394
00:15:23,278 --> 00:15:24,477
Huh!
395
00:15:24,612 --> 00:15:25,945
♪ Go to the bar,
spend all our quid ♪
396
00:15:26,031 --> 00:15:27,613
♪ My wife stays home
and has another kid ♪
397
00:15:27,699 --> 00:15:29,232
♪ Got ginger hair,
I'm a Catholic ♪
398
00:15:29,317 --> 00:15:31,534
♪ I'm a drunk
potato-loving dirty Mick ♪
399
00:15:31,653 --> 00:15:35,955
♪ O Danny Boy,
the alcohol is calling ♪
400
00:15:36,041 --> 00:15:40,376
♪ It's saying I'm a pissed
old Paddy snout ♪
401
00:15:40,377 --> 00:15:44,607
♪ And we won't win
our pointless war with England ♪
402
00:15:44,666 --> 00:15:47,917
♪ And no one wants us here
so we should just get out ♪
♪
403
00:15:48,003 --> 00:15:50,386
I don't know how
she manages to do it,
404
00:15:50,505 --> 00:15:54,007
but Lillian is always
on the cutting edge of comedy.
405
00:15:54,142 --> 00:15:55,258
[laughs]
406
00:15:55,343 --> 00:15:56,843
♪ When God made me,
he was playing a trick ♪
407
00:15:56,978 --> 00:15:58,344
♪ 'cause I'm a drunk,
potato-loving ♪
408
00:15:58,430 --> 00:15:59,679
♪ wife-beating, bar-fighting,
ginger-haired ♪
409
00:15:59,814 --> 00:16:04,150
♪ disgusting dirty Mick ♪
410
00:16:04,235 --> 00:16:05,351
Thank you.
411
00:16:05,487 --> 00:16:06,436
[cheers and applause]
412
00:16:06,521 --> 00:16:08,488
Thank you.
413
00:16:08,573 --> 00:16:09,906
Judges.
414
00:16:10,025 --> 00:16:12,608
(Dan)
Two tens and-- oh, a zero,
415
00:16:12,694 --> 00:16:14,911
from the esteemed gentleman
from Donegal.
416
00:16:15,030 --> 00:16:17,413
Seemed to be a crowd-pleaser,
but we do need to be sensitive
417
00:16:17,532 --> 00:16:19,499
to all the white races.
418
00:16:19,584 --> 00:16:20,616
A zero?
419
00:16:20,702 --> 00:16:22,201
(Victor)
Are you joshing me?
420
00:16:22,287 --> 00:16:24,370
Oh, I'm sorry
if we offended you,
421
00:16:24,506 --> 00:16:27,540
but we are just saying
what everyone is thinking.
422
00:16:27,625 --> 00:16:28,875
Get him out of here!
423
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:29,842
No.
424
00:16:29,928 --> 00:16:30,626
Lillian!
425
00:16:30,712 --> 00:16:32,211
By any means necessary!
426
00:16:32,297 --> 00:16:33,262
Do as we discussed!
427
00:16:33,381 --> 00:16:36,716
Coach says show no mercy!
428
00:16:36,851 --> 00:16:40,720
(Dan) Now the performance
from the beautiful Beatrice.
429
00:16:40,805 --> 00:16:44,607
[applause]
430
00:16:44,726 --> 00:16:45,808
[single note]
431
00:16:49,531 --> 00:16:51,114
[operatically]
♪ O mio babbino Caro... ♪
432
00:16:51,232 --> 00:16:52,115
[sharp whoosh]
433
00:16:52,233 --> 00:16:54,117
[audience gasps]
434
00:16:54,235 --> 00:16:55,568
Oh.
435
00:16:55,703 --> 00:16:57,120
[mumbling]
436
00:16:57,238 --> 00:16:58,788
[audience groans]
437
00:17:01,576 --> 00:17:03,209
Majestic no more.
438
00:17:03,294 --> 00:17:06,496
(Dan) It saddens me to say
that crowd-favorite Beatrice
439
00:17:06,581 --> 00:17:07,747
is disqualified.
440
00:17:07,832 --> 00:17:09,582
[squirting]
441
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:10,666
What happened?
442
00:17:10,752 --> 00:17:12,135
Did I win?
443
00:17:12,253 --> 00:17:13,052
No.
444
00:17:13,138 --> 00:17:14,837
You were shot with a blow dart.
445
00:17:14,923 --> 00:17:17,423
What?
Oh...
446
00:17:17,509 --> 00:17:18,925
Did I at least sing good?
447
00:17:19,010 --> 00:17:20,893
You were magnificent.
448
00:17:20,979 --> 00:17:22,678
And even though
you were disqualified,
449
00:17:22,764 --> 00:17:25,815
you're still
the apple of my penis.
450
00:17:33,825 --> 00:17:36,659
[inspirational music]
451
00:17:36,778 --> 00:17:38,111
Oh!
452
00:17:38,196 --> 00:17:39,946
(Dan)
But the show must go on.
453
00:17:40,031 --> 00:17:42,165
It's now down
to Lillian the Bitch,
454
00:17:42,283 --> 00:17:43,583
Muriel the Baby,
455
00:17:43,668 --> 00:17:46,335
and Old Glory the Cabbage.
456
00:17:49,624 --> 00:17:50,873
If I were you, I would walk
457
00:17:50,959 --> 00:17:52,125
your bowlegged little ass
out of here
458
00:17:52,260 --> 00:17:53,759
and go back to your trash life.
459
00:17:53,845 --> 00:17:56,429
Oh, that's right,
you can't walk.
460
00:17:56,514 --> 00:17:57,547
[baby coos]
461
00:17:57,632 --> 00:17:59,265
Can't talk yet either, huh?
462
00:17:59,350 --> 00:18:00,433
What was that?
463
00:18:00,518 --> 00:18:01,434
[baby cries]
464
00:18:01,519 --> 00:18:03,219
[cries mockingly]
465
00:18:03,304 --> 00:18:05,054
That biscuit tin is mine.
466
00:18:05,140 --> 00:18:06,606
I'm gonna make you wish
you ended up
467
00:18:06,691 --> 00:18:09,058
a puddle on your mother's face!
468
00:18:12,197 --> 00:18:14,030
It's the moment we've
all been waiting for.
469
00:18:14,149 --> 00:18:16,399
(Dan)
Who-- or what--
470
00:18:16,484 --> 00:18:17,867
will be the winner of the 1902
471
00:18:17,986 --> 00:18:19,569
Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant?
472
00:18:19,654 --> 00:18:22,622
(Dan) You can feel the
tension in the air.
473
00:18:22,707 --> 00:18:23,823
And the winner is...
474
00:18:23,908 --> 00:18:26,626
[drum roll]
475
00:18:26,711 --> 00:18:28,077
Due to a statistical anomaly,
476
00:18:28,163 --> 00:18:31,164
Lillian Abigail Hitler
Schmemmerhorn-Fish.
477
00:18:31,249 --> 00:18:34,217
[applause]
478
00:18:45,230 --> 00:18:48,147
[ominous music]
479
00:18:48,233 --> 00:18:49,982
♪ ♪
480
00:18:50,068 --> 00:18:53,152
[suspenseful music]
481
00:18:53,238 --> 00:19:01,227
♪ ♪
482
00:19:19,631 --> 00:19:21,597
[distorted]
What the hell?
483
00:19:21,716 --> 00:19:23,266
[splatting]
484
00:19:26,519 --> 00:19:29,236
Well, that was a bit
of a cock-up.
485
00:19:29,322 --> 00:19:30,738
The only good news was,
I convinced
486
00:19:30,823 --> 00:19:32,773
that gossip reporter
Scoops LePue
487
00:19:32,909 --> 00:19:34,442
not to cover the debacle.
488
00:19:34,577 --> 00:19:36,077
(Beatrice) I may have
lost, but I lost--
489
00:19:36,162 --> 00:19:37,995
[mumbling]
490
00:19:38,114 --> 00:19:39,614
Sorry, the drugs
from the blow dart
491
00:19:39,749 --> 00:19:41,549
made me speak hard.
492
00:19:41,651 --> 00:19:42,583
[exhales]
493
00:19:42,669 --> 00:19:44,452
I just wanted
to ruin the pageant.
494
00:19:44,537 --> 00:19:46,203
The fact that I got
to ruin my sister
495
00:19:46,289 --> 00:19:47,955
was just a bonus.
496
00:19:48,041 --> 00:19:50,124
(Hortense)
Scoops LePue, hi.
497
00:19:50,259 --> 00:19:51,592
So nice to meet
a fellow writer.
498
00:19:51,678 --> 00:19:52,760
Ooh, a woman writer.
499
00:19:52,845 --> 00:19:54,462
What kind of cookbook
are you working on?
500
00:19:54,597 --> 00:19:56,514
I may be a woman,
but I'm a real writer,
501
00:19:56,633 --> 00:19:58,799
with family secrets
and no shame.
502
00:19:58,885 --> 00:19:59,850
Take my card.
503
00:19:59,969 --> 00:20:02,353
Use it wisely.
504
00:20:02,472 --> 00:20:03,387
Do you need some help?
505
00:20:03,473 --> 00:20:05,523
No, I'm fine--
get off me.
506
00:20:05,642 --> 00:20:06,857
[door opens]
507
00:20:06,976 --> 00:20:07,858
Albert!
508
00:20:07,977 --> 00:20:09,393
Albert, we won!
509
00:20:09,479 --> 00:20:11,145
Oh, it was magnificent.
510
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,864
(Victor) In the end, Lillian and
I both got what we deserved.
511
00:20:13,983 --> 00:20:17,385
I won the trophy,
and she was doused in feces.
512
00:20:17,487 --> 00:20:19,153
I wish you could
have been there.
513
00:20:19,288 --> 00:20:21,322
- Hot dog, man, you did it.
- We did it.
514
00:20:21,457 --> 00:20:23,324
Congratulations.
515
00:20:29,749 --> 00:20:32,633
[dramatic music]
516
00:20:32,719 --> 00:20:36,837
♪ ♪
517
00:20:36,923 --> 00:20:37,805
How is he doing?
518
00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:40,091
He seems to be improving
quite a bit.
519
00:20:40,176 --> 00:20:41,342
Uh-huh.
520
00:20:43,513 --> 00:20:45,513
- Mmm...
- [rings bell]
521
00:20:46,683 --> 00:20:49,567
[operatic music]
522
00:20:49,686 --> 00:20:52,069
♪ ♪
523
00:20:52,188 --> 00:20:53,487
I won!
524
00:20:53,573 --> 00:20:55,189
Only-- strange thing--
they decided not
525
00:20:55,274 --> 00:20:56,490
to award the winner
of the pageant
526
00:20:56,576 --> 00:20:58,442
the cover of the biscuit tin.
527
00:21:00,863 --> 00:21:02,697
That's not me.35100
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