All language subtitles for yes_dear_s04e19_the_premiere

Hey, do we have plans this Saturday?

Yeah, my friend Tracy's having a pool
party. I was kind of hoping we could go.

Oh, yeah, good.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Really? I thought you hated my friend

I do, but so does her husband, so we
have a lot of things to talk about.

Besides, anything would be better than
going to this movie premiere that Mr.

Savitsky wants me to go to. A movie
premiere?

That sounds like fun.

Well, not when you have to go all the
time. This will be the third one this

month. I don't want to do it anymore.

Sick of the crowds, the traffic, walking
down the red carpet.

Well, I thought that'd be fun.

You would think so until you hear 50
angry paparazzi yelling, get out of the

way, nobody.

That's not true. That one photographer
took your picture once.

Thought Greg was Mr. Bean.

There was a bee chasing me, Kim. Of
course I'm going to act a little spazzy.

Wait a minute, isn't Mr. Savitsky
expecting you to be there? No, he's

be out of town this weekend, so he's not
going to be there either. It's the

perfect one for me to miss. Besides, the
only reason I go is for him to see me

there anyway.

Oh, great. I'll call Tracy and tell her
you want to come. Good.

Oh, Kim, do you know where my Mark Spitz
American flag bathing suit is?

I don't want to tell you this again.

It was a Valentine's Day gift, and it
was a joke.

Greg's kind of jaded, huh?

Yeah, imagine going to so many Hollywood
premieres that you actually get sick of

them. I'd like to know what it's like to
go to just one.

Me too.

Of course, we could never get in unless
we had badges.

Would you like to go to a premiere, Mrs.
Kim Warner?

Thank you.

Mr. Greg Warner.

All right, now that we're going to be
pretending to be Greg and Kim on

night, we should probably get a little
practice pretending to be them tonight.

What, like going to bed without doing
it?

You know, it's been a long day. I'm
tired.

I told Tracy we'd be over around five.

Okay, great. Hey, is your friend Monica
going to be there? Yeah, I guess so. You

think she's going to want to swim?

What, you want to see Monica's new boobs
in her bathing suit?

No, no, not in her bathing suit.

Okay, guys, we're going out.

We got a sitter out back with Dominic
and Logan. Have fun at the pool party.

Thanks. What are you guys up to tonight?

Just going to go to dinner with some
friends.

Oh, yeah? Where are you going?

P .F. Chang's.

P .F. Chang Hooters.

It's a new hybrid restaurant.

Yeah, there's no MSG in the food and
there's no silicone in the waitresses.

Not one person who couldn't work there.

Good night.

All right, looks like we're clear.

I can't believe we're going to a big
Hollywood movie premiere. This is going

be so glamorous.

That's right, baby. Get ready for the
richest night of your life. Now, come

Our clothes are in a garbage bag in my
trunk.

We can get changed behind the dumpster
at the Arco station.

Oh, excuse me. Yeah. Take some more of
those.

Thank you.

Jimmy, you're eating duck pate. Do you
know what part of the duck that comes

from? Well, as long as it's not feet,
beak, or butt, I'm okay.

Billy, what are you doing here?

Security. What are you guys doing here?
Greg and Kim weren't coming, so we're

using their ID badges.

Using false identification to gain entry
into an invitation -only event? That's

a Class A security breach. Now that I
know this, I'm obligated to ask you to

leave. Shrimp wrapped in bacon?

Enjoy your movie, Mr. Warner.

So, Billy, when did you start doing
security for these movie engineers?

Oh, this is the first time. It's a good
way to pick up a little extra cash. What

is it, like double overtime?

No, not that.

I've been using my camera phone to take
pictures of celebrities to sell to the

tabloids.

Check it out.

I got a shot of Laura Flynn Boyle
getting out of the limo.

You could see her better if the car
antenna hadn't gotten away.

Is this the free food and drinks we're
in up now, goody bags?

Look at this stuff. They got a T -shirt,
a poster, press kit.

All kinds of free stuff.

Mmm, this yogurt is delicious.

Jimmy, that's apricot face scrub.

So you know anything about this movie?

No, not really.

Let's go to the press kit. Okay.

Let's see.

Takes place in a POW camp during World
War II.

War movie, that's cool.

It's the story of a U .S. Army sergeant
who used to be a circus clown who

teaches his platoon the value of
laughter even in the darkest of

Sounds inspirational.

I hope it's good.

Are you kidding me? The studio wouldn't
go to all this trouble for nothing. I

bet this is going to be great.

Jimmy, wait.

My shoulder.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This movie is just
so horrible.

It's so corny and lame.

Come on, guys. Turn those frowns upside
down.

Just drop it, Sarge. Can't you see?
Since they killed Johnson, none of us

the will to go on.

You know what? Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should just give up.

Here we go.

You're just pretending to be giving up,
but just you wait.

Well, I guess there's nothing left for
me to do now but sit here on my cot and

enjoy this can of mixed nuts.

Huh. I can't seem to get it open. Would
you help me, Private?

Sure.

Oh, my God. Gotcha.

I can't watch any more of this. I'm
going to go take a walk. How can you sit

here? It may be terrible, all right, but
it's the first movie I've seen in three

years that didn't have a singing crab.

love it, Kevin.

They love the movie.

I know a lot of people wondered, could
Kevin Smith make a great war movie?

Well, Kevin Smith did.

Thanks, man. I feel the picture lacks a
distinct sound of Bob Essence, but I'm

actually kind of happy with it. Well,
you should be proud. I'm telling you,

they're going to give you the Oscar for
this one. I don't know, man. Oscars? I

didn't make this movie to get awards,
you know? It was never meant to be more

than a simple character study that
inspired who am I kidding? It's the Fat

Year!

How's it going?

Not too bad, not too bad.

How about this movie?

How about it?

Wow.

Wow, good?

This is a stinkeroo.

Doing this?

About the only chance I got of staying
awake through this garbage.

Really? You didn't like it?

Oh, God, sitting in there, I feel like
I'm the one in the prisoner of war camp.

I wish somebody would come and rescue
me.

That's a good one.

No, I'm serious, man.

The story is stupid.

The effects are totally fake.

Half the camera shots, you can't even
tell what you're looking at. I mean, did

this guy go to film school or what?

Well, he did, but, you know, he dropped
out.

It shows.

This is one of the worst movies I've
ever seen. I think Abe Lincoln had a

time in the theater than I had tonight.

Listen to you. You just put it all out
on front street, man. You don't hold

back, do you? No, no. Greg. No.

You know what we're going to say when we
get back to the office? What?

This movie didn't get released.

It escaped.

You're making them cry.

Kevin Smith is making them cry.

Congratulations. Do you know a Greg
Warner?

Yeah, he's my boss.

Well, it couldn't have possibly been any
more insulting.

Hey, thought of another one. When they
say coming to a theater near you, move.

Hey, Mr. Savitsky. Hey, Jimmy.

So, Warner, did you have fun at that
premiere I sent you to? Oh, yeah, yeah,

had a great time.

We had a really great time.

Did you have any interesting
conversations while you were there?

when you send me to these things, I go
as a representative of the studio, so I

feel like it's my duty to talk to as
many people as I can.

Did you talk to Kevin Smith, the
director?

Yeah, good guy, good guy.

When? I just got off the phone with
Kevin Smith. He said you went up to him

the bathroom and told him his movie was
a giant piece of crap.

Oh, my God.

I know. It's horrible.

He's threatening never to work with us
again.

Well, I'm sure that... You said watching
it you felt like a prisoner of war.

You told him to go back to film school.

Why would you do that, Warner?

Well, I'm going to have to get back to
you on that, sir.

I've got to figure out some kind of
damage control.

You'll be lucky if I don't fire you for
this.

What the hell is going on?

Look, obviously there's been some sort
of misunderstanding, but you gotta keep

your emotions in check. I'm sure there's
a perfectly good explanation for this,

and when you find out what it is, it's
important that you remain calm.

What did you do?

Okay, okay, look, Christine and I used
your badges, and we went to the

premieres, you and Kim.

What? What?

Look, I'm sorry. I just thought it was a
waste not to use the tickets, and so I

ended up in the bathroom talking to some
guy, but I didn't know he was the

director. If anything, you look like
that guy with the beard from that movie

Chasing Amy. That is Kevin Smith.

Oh. He's a good actor. Yeah, he must
have seen your ID badge and thought you

were Greg Warner. Look, Greg, I'm sorry.
I know I messed up. Messed up? You

might have cost me my job. I don't
believe this. First you take over the

house, then you take my identity. What's
next? You gonna slit me open, use me as

a sleeping bag?

Look, Greg, I made a mistake, and I'm
man enough to admit that, and I promise

I'll take full responsibility for
everything that's happened. Then good.

go tell Savitsky. Wait a second.

Between you and me, between you and me,
I'm going to take full responsibility.

I don't want to get fired. Jimmy, what
do you think is going to be worse for

you? You getting fired or me getting
fired?

But I like my job.

Let me explain something to you. When
the host's body dies, the parasites that

feed upon it go hungry.

What? Do you understand the effect that
will have on the delicate equilibrium of

our domestic ecosystem?

Huh?

Me no work, you no eat.

Hey, Mr. Savitsky.

What is it, Warner? You want me to get
Spielberg on the line so you can call

a schmuck?

I'm glad to see you've kept your sense
of humor about this.

Actually, right now I'm thinking about
strangling you with my tie.

Now listen, I just got off the phone
with Kevin Smith.

He's agreed to come over here tomorrow
so you can apologize to him face to

And so help me, you're going to tell him
whatever you have to to make things

right. Actually, I'm not going to be the
one apologizing. You better hope you

can run faster than I can untie a winch
or not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's been some new
information that has come up.

It wasn't Greg who said those things to
Kevin Smith, it was me.

You? Yeah, I took Greg's ID badge and
went to the premiere without him

And I didn't realize I was talking to
Kevin Smith when I said those things. I

feel terrible.

See, so Jimmy's the one you should be
mad at. I had nothing to do with it. The

truth is, I'm a victim here, too.

Shut up, Warner.

You're not off the hook. When I tell you
to go to a premiere, I expect you to

go, not blow it off, and then lie to my
face. Good point, sir. Well taken.

All right, here's what we're going to
do.

If Kevin thinks you're Greg, tomorrow
you're going to be Greg.

You're going to put on a suit and a tie,
sit in Greg's office, and apologize.

Wait a minute. If he's going to be me,
what should I do? Be him.

We're going to be short a security guard
at the front gate tomorrow.

You want me to work as a security guard?
Why don't you just get one of the other

guards to cover Jimmy's shift?

I could, but I'm not going to.

Maybe sitting in a tiny booth, breathing
in car exhaust, and pushing a button

like an orangutan might teach you some
humility.

No offense, Jimmy.

Okay.

Listen, Mr. Savitsky, the thing is about
me and Greg tomorrow, I don't actually

own a suit.

Beverly, tomorrow is now Casual
Thursday.

Put on a memo, will you?

Okay, good. So if tomorrow's Casual
Thursday, that means the guards won't

to wear their normal uniforms, right?

Warner, you keep talking, you're going
to be working that guard gate in a thong

and a beefeater hat.

Watch your step, everyone. Barney Fife
is here.

Very funny, Aunt Biatch.

I can't believe I have to do this.

Oh, it's just for one day. Come on, sit
down. I'll make you breakfast.

Actually, I don't think you have time
for breakfast.

What are you talking about? I don't have
to be there till 10.

Yeah, you mean Greg Warner doesn't have
to be in till 10.

Jimmy Hughes' shift starts at 8 .30.

What?

Sorry.

You should probably get a move on.
You've been late to work twice already

week.

First thing we do every morning is read
the paper cover to cover. Make sure the

government hasn't issued any new terror
alerts.

I'm going to start with the sports
section.

I don't want to be out here where people
can see me. I'm going to be in here.

Well, as long as you're in there, why
don't you alphabetize the drive -on

passes? Wouldn't it make more sense to
sort them by time of arrival?

What? No, people don't drive up here
alphabetically. They drive up here

according to what time they're supposed
to be here.

Look, Greg, we got our own way of doing
things down here, okay? It might not be

the right way, but we've memorized it
and we're done learning.

Good morning, Mr. Savitsky. Good
morning, Billy. Hey, where's Warner?

supposed to be working with you.

Right here, sir.

I told you I wanted you to be a security
guard. Now be a security guard and sit

on that stool.

Okay, sure. No problem.

All right, now hit the button and open
the gate for me.

Now tell me to have a good one.

Say it, Warner.

Have a good one.

Like you mean it.

Have a good one.

Thanks, you too.

Hey, fellas, how's it going?

Well, well, check it out. One of the big
executives actually rolled down his

window to chat with us.

Yeah, that hasn't happened since Michael
Eisner rolled his window down and spit

his gum into my hand.

I still got it.

Hey, Greg, how's it going? Greg, Greg,
listen, you better not screw this up.

Don't worry about it. I know how
important this is.

Jimmy, check this out. I had the
funniest dream last night, right? I'm

down this long hallway full of doors.
Listen, Roy, I got a meeting. I really

don't have time right now. Can you just
open the gate with me?

Executives.

Yeah, hi. I got a meeting on the lot
today. My name's Kevin Smith.

Wow. I can't believe I'm talking to you.
It's quite a thrill for me. You've done

so many movies that I love.

Clerks, Chasing Amy, Mallrats.

Mallrats. Dude, now I know you're
kidding. Where's the camera? I'm being

ain't I?

No, I'm serious.

I love it. You're a great writer and
director, but what a lot of people don't

know is you're also a terrific producer.

You've done so many great movies on such
low budgets.

Right on, man. Thank you very much.

Yeah, like Clerks. I mean, that won the
Filmmaker's Trophy at Sundance, and you

made it for under $30 ,000.

You're pretty up on this stuff.

Yeah, well, it helps to know the ins and
outs of the film production business.

It helps me with my job.

Making a little gate go up and down.

You got to start somewhere.

That's true. So on the list today,
you're meeting Greg Warner.

Terrific guy.

Just sometimes he gets off his
medication, starts talking all crazy.

You know, he has two kids at home and
Lyme disease.

Almost lost a leg.

Have a good one.

Man, what kind of studio you run in
here, George? Everyone's walking around

shorts and T -shirts. Well, it's a
casual Thursday.

Just like Casual Friday, but a day
earlier.

We got it from the Japanese.

You remember Greg Warner?

Greg Warner? Let me think, let me think.
Oh, yeah, he's the chucklehead who told

me my movie was, and I quote, a
stinkeroo.

Hi, Mr. Smith. Look, I'm sorry about
those things that I said.

I don't know why I said them. Now that
I've had a chance to think about it, I

really actually love your movie.

I really think it's probably one of the
best movies you've ever made.

And not that I don't...

Love all your other movies.

And not that I love everything you do
blindly.

And not that I don't.

Now, listen, man, I was up all night
thinking about it, and you're right.

movie stinks on ice.

What do you mean? All the other
executives said it was great.

That's just because they're all sucking
up to you, George.

This movie's terrible.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I mean, in hindsight, not even a clown
would unicycle through a minefield.

You'd have known this if you bothered to
show up to the premiere the other

night. Well, I would have been at the
premiere, but I was volunteering at the

Veterans Pediatric Animal Hospital.

Greg here is the only guy with the
stones to tell it like it is, man. I'm

to see you finally hired an executive
around here who knows what he's doing.

And thanks to his fierce integrity, I'm
going to need an extra $10 million for a

month of reshoots.

Sure, Kevin, whatever you want. Thanks,
George.

I'd make you pay for this out of your
salary if it wouldn't take 200 years.

Now, listen, in the guard gate, we kind
of rotate on who buys lunch. Now, I got

it yesterday, and Roy got it the day
before, so I guess you're buying it. I

won't be here for lunch. As soon as
Jimmy straightens out this mess, I'm

being a security guard.

Oh, well, it's your last day. We should
get a cake.

Yeah, and I bought the last cake, and
Billy bought the one before that, so

Oh, George, I had an excellent chit
-chat this morning. One of the security

guards at the front gate, smart guy,
seemed to have a lot on the ball.

Yeah? Tall, skinny dude, kind of looked
like Ben Affleck before all the cosmetic

surgeries.

Oh, yeah, I know who you're talking
about. I'd like him to work security for

during the reshoots. No problem. He's
yours for the month.

Tonight we were thrilled to have special
guest Kevin Smith on our show.

And here tonight, he has graciously
agreed to reprise his famous role from

several films.

Ladies and gentlemen, Silent Bob.