All language subtitles for yes_dear_s03e11_home_is_where_the_heart_isnt

Okay, boys, this is Mommy's study time,
so be very quiet, okay? We're just going

to get a snack, and then we're going to
get out of here.

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. I told
him I'd keep him out of your way. I know

how much studying that you... Just a
second.

You're not studying!

What are you, Cosmo?

Maybe that's part of my class.

Oh, really? Yeah, like you really have a
class on seven tongue tricks to make

your man go crazy.

Mommy's studying, boys, okay? Leave her
alone.

Hey, guys, you gonna stick around for
some of Greg's turkey chili? Yeah, come

on, Jimmy. Blow our minds. Say no.

Hey, I will have you know that I was
about to take my family out for a very

expensive... I'm sorry, I can't do it.
Give me some chili.

Oh, hey, don't put any jalapenos in
mine.

I had some jalapenos once when I was
breastfeeding Sammy.

When I changed his diaper, I took my
nail polish right off.

I'm really impressed, Greg. You've been
cooking all weekend.

Oh, that's not all. He did the laundry.
He did a bunch of diapers.

He even helped out with the midnight
feeding.

Oh, well, you better lay off the
jalapenos too there, hot nips. Cut it

Sorry to see you go back to work
tomorrow. Yeah, me too, but it's not

have a choice.

Oh, well, actually, you do. The studio
has paternity leave. He could take two

weeks off if he wanted to. Two weeks?
Did you know about that?

Yeah, but I think that's just for, you
know, single fathers or same -sex

partners or Native Americans.

Oh, no, it's actually in the manual with
all the studio rules.

Any man with full -time employment can
take two weeks paid leave to help with a

new baby. You read the studio policy
manual. Somebody stole a Playboy out of

Gate 7.

Wow, two paid weeks off?

Hey, you should do this. Come on, nobody
takes paternity leave. They just put it

in there to cover themselves legally.

Two weeks of sitting around doing
nothing, getting paid for it?

Just thinking about it makes me want to
knock up Christine again.

Ah, the wonder and magic of creating a
new life.

You know, Greg, I could really use the
help around here during the week.

Kim, I'm an executive. I can't take
paternity leave. People might talk.

Yeah, how awful. People gossiping that
you care more about your family than

job. Yeah, exactly.

Excuse me?

Kim, that's how you play the game, all
right? At work, you make them think that

work is more important. At home, you
make them think that home is more

important.

When in reality... In reality, I'll be
taking paternity leave.

It looks like you're going for a record,
sir.

No!

Damn it, Warner, this better be
important.

Well, sir, I wanted to talk to you about
our policy regarding paternity leave.

Paternity leave? Yes, sir. Do we have
that?

Yes, sir, we do.

It's right here.

Section 12, paragraph J.

Oh, right. The legal department made us
do that to cover our ass.

I mean, what kind of man would ask for
paternity leave?

Oh, uh...

I don't know, sir.

Perhaps a man who's strong enough not to
buckle under society's pressure.

Perhaps a man strong enough to pave his
own way.

A lone crusader, unafraid... It's you,
isn't it? Yes, sir. Yes,

me and my wife, Kim, had a baby. Her
name is Emily, and... Yeah, yeah, well,

tell my secretary she'll get you
something from the gift closet. Tell

shelf and below.

So it's okay to take the time off? The
paternity leave, sir?

Well, of course I'm going to say yes. I
could get sued if I don't.

Thank you. Thank you very much. You
really want to thank me?

Here, take this.

It's too distracting. I can't get any
work done.

Oh, okay.

And keep it away from me. I'm going to
grow mad. I mean, for crying out loud, I

can't be addicted to a stupid toy. I
never want to see that idiotic thing

No problem, sir. I understand.

Warner? Yes, sir? Forget what I said.
Give me back the toy.

Oh, I can't. Come on, just one last game
and then I'm done. I'm sorry, I can't

do that.

Damn it!

I'm your boss. Do what I say.

Damn it, water!

He's good.

So did Emily go down for her nap?

Yeah, no problem.

You might say she's sleeping like a
Jimmy.

Really?

She's snoring and has one hand down her
diaper.

Yep.

In a bed that we own.

So, what do you want me to do now?
What's my next paternity leave task?

Well, I'd love it if you could wipe down
some dolls.

What?

My mom sent me my doll collection for
Emily, but they're filthy. So just take

their clothes off and wipe them down.

Wipe down the dolls.

Yes.

Well, okay.

This one looks like she's kind of a
mess.

Oh, yeah.

Christine swiped her one night and had a
little backstage party with her kids'

action figures.

I hope she stopped by the Barbie Malibu
Health Clinic.

Tell you what, why don't you put the
panties back on the doll? We'll both

pretend this never happened.

I can't believe I took off work for
this.

What are you doing home?

I went through the studio manual again.
I found out that if I don't use my sick

days by the end of the year, I lose
them.

So what? So I'm sick. Ah, shoot.

Isn't there a game on or something?

Jimmy, you know what you're doing is
dishonest. You're cheating the system.

you're skipping out on work, too. I'm
not skipping work. I'm on paternity

I'm living up to the responsibilities of
a modern father.

Kim, could you bring me down some Q
-tips? This Barbie's got gunk in her

Well, Emily went right down.

So, Kim, what can I do for you next?

Actually, nothing right now.

Nothing? Nope. I can just relax.

Relax. Relax.

Okay, great.

It is so nice to be able to drink
regular coffee again.

This is really good coffee, too.

It's sort of earthy.

Yeah.

Earthy. I know.

I think it's sort of like a citrus
flavor going on.

You've got to be kidding me.

What? This is it?

I took off work to listen to the two of
you slurp?

I feel so useless.

What kind of man can enjoy himself
hanging out doing nothing on a work day?

Look, someone down the street threw away
an inflatable pool.

Well, great.

I hope you enjoy it while your co
-workers have to work extra hard because

you're not there.

Greg, I'm a security guard. I raise a
gate and wave to people.

Blowing this thing up is going to be
more work than I've done all year.

You know, Greg, you could learn from the
way Jimmy's able to enjoy his moments

of downtime.

Moment? Moments? Jimmy's whole life is
downtime. His only uptime is trying to

figure out new ways to get more
downtime.

I'm sorry. I can't relax when I feel
like I'm skipping work. But you're

here. Well, sure. I changed a couple of
diapers. I filled up some bottles. I

spent 30 minutes trying to get a binky
out from behind the fridge.

I thought we agreed to call it a noo
-noo.

Dominic called his a num -num. No, no,
no. His thumb was a num -num. His noo

-noo was a nip -nip.

Paternity leave isn't just about taking
care of a baby.

This is a chance for you and me to
reconnect.

I know.

You know what, you guys?

I'm here in case Emily wakes up. Why
don't you two go do something?

It's a great idea. Hey, want to go to
the movie?

What? Oh, we haven't been to the movies
in months. It'll be fun.

No, not fun.

Torture, Kim. I just said, like, I feel
like I'm playing hooky. Now you want to

drag me to a weekday matinee?

I mean, what are we going to do next? Go
down to the ballpark with Spanky and

Alfalfa and watch a game through a knot
hole?

This coffee's kind of earthy. Come on,
let's get moving.

Well, not a lot of people here for a
Thursday at noon.

Wonder what mysterious phenomenon's
keeping the people away.

Oh, I know, work.

Come on.

We haven't been on a date in months.

Here we are, sneaking away to the
movies.

Kind of romantic.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Remember when we were in college, we
used to cut classes and sneak away to

movies in the middle of the day?

Yeah. Can we do everything we did at
college?

Well, my breasts are leaking and I'm
sitting on a foam donut, but knock

out.

You know what? I'm sorry. I've been kind
of uptight about this. It's all right.

I know it's hard for you. It is, but
you're right. You know, I need to relax.

Having fun being here with you. Oh, my
God.

What are you doing?

Savitsky just walked in.

Savitsky, how you doing?

How are you doing down there? I was
looking for my... Oh, lollipop.

So how's the paternity leave going?

Well, I've been doing a lot. Been
working really hard. The only reason

the movies is to help her have fun.

She had a fun need, and I'm meeting that
need.

Well, this is kind of embarrassing, huh?
Why should I be embarrassed?

Because you're at the movies in the
middle of the day. It's kind of goofing

Goofing off?

Our company makes movies.

I like to see what the real people think
of them.

So how's work going?

Great. We had a very productive staff
meeting this morning. You should have

there. I should have, sir. You approved
the leave and it was in the manual.

Easy, Warner. It's a figure of speech.

Listen, we're doing fine without you.
You enjoy the rest of your leave.

I will, sir.

Of course, when I say I'm going to enjoy
it, I'm really not going to enjoy it. I

know it's not vacation.

I want you to know I'd rather be at
work, for the record.

You know, I think I'll sit in back.

Marco! Pull out!

Oh, bit of shadow water.

Dominic, you're it. Get in here.

I don't want to go in the pool.

Why not?

Gee, I don't know, Jimmy. Could it be
because it's so cold out you have to

clothes in the pool? Or could it be
because you've had four beers and

gotten out yet?

I mean, did you have fun while we were
gone?

Yeah, he loved it. We had a great game
going earlier.

I was a dolphin and he was a SeaWorld
trainer with a bucket of Cheetos.

How was the movie?

Terrible. We ran into Mr.

Savitsky. Oh, it was fine.

He said everything at work was going
great.

The reason everything's going great,
Kim, is because I'm always three steps

ahead of whatever financial problems are
going to come up.

And now I'm not there to keep things on
track. They don't even know what they're

headed for. What are they headed for? A
fiscal train wreck, Kim.

Okay, without me, it's just a matter of
time before the whole thing derails.

Then you've got a runaway train driving
through trees, running over cows, might

even hit an orphanage.

An orphanage? Yes, a fiscal orphanage.

Greg, you're overreacting. Oh, you say
that now, but when it hits the fan, all

Savitsky's going to remember is me
goofing off at the movies instead of

You weren't goofing off. Yes, I was. I'm
goofing off now.

Fine, then I'll put you to work. You can
go to the store and get me some milk

and diapers.

Great. I'll be back.

Greg, lighten up, man. You're so
stressed out lately.

I mean, you know what you should do is,
uh, after your paternity leave's over,

you should take a couple sick days.

Hold on, hold on.

Warner, is that you?

What are you doing out there?

Oh.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Nothing, just trying not to be
distracted by you in the hallway.

What are you doing here?

Well, I haven't been here for a week,
and I was running low on the office

supplies I usually steal.

That's a joke, of course, although
there's nothing really funny about

theft. How do you just prove that,
Warner?

As long as you're here, why don't you
come in and sit down?

All right, maybe I'll sit down for a
minute, except somebody's in my chair.

What are you, one of the three bears?
Sit somewhere else.

I don't believe we've met.

Well, that's Steve Jenkins. He's from
Harvard Business School. He's an intern.

He's filling you in while you're gone.

Oh, great.

Great. Guess I'll just sit over there.

All right. What else do we have here?

What else do we have here?

Hey, Warner, how about a little space?

Sure, sir.

So, how's everything going, sir?

Things are great. No train wreck?

Warner, Mike's cousin was killed in a
train wreck yesterday.

You weren't here. You had no way of
knowing.

Oh, wow.

Sorry. But the office? The office is
good?

Well, yeah, smooth sailing here.

Eleanor was about to give us the market
report.

Sir, I think they're ready to do the
other presentation.

The secret presentation.

Secret presentation? The only secret
presentations we do around here is

cake.

Great. Way to ruin it, Warner.

All right, just bring it in.

I got sidetracked and I found out that
I'm basically worthless.

Honey, your cell phone has caller ID.

Why do you answer it when it's your
mother?

No, ma 'am.

I went to the office and guess what?

Things were running fine, great even.
They had some idiot Jenkins in my chair.

Turns out that I'm completely
replaceable. Everything I've done for

years means nothing.

I'm sorry, did you say you went to your
office?

Please don't give me a hard time right
now. I'm really upset here.

So am I. I really needed those diapers.
Emily's upstairs sleeping in her crib

wrapped up in a roll of brawny. I'm
sorry.

Me too.

I'm sorry that you put your work ahead
of your family.

That is not true.

Really?

Tell me, what day did you start working
at the studio?

June 11th, 1996.

And what day did we get engaged?

It was a... Wednesday?

Work is what you really care about. You
can never get it off your mind. Kim, you

have to understand. It's like this
innate pull, this instinctual need to be

there. You don't know what it's like to
be a man. Oh, please.

This is the same speech you gave me when
you wanted to go to Hooters.

Admit it, Greg.

Admit that you can never stop thinking
about your job, even when you're

to be with your family.

All right, I admit it.

I can't get work off my mind.

I don't know what it is.

It's like I get my entire identity by my
success at work.

By the lifestyles I can provide for you
and the kids.

I'm not proud of that.

I hate myself for it. I'm a monster. A
selfish monster.

You're not a monster.

You're just saying that because you're a
loving, caring wife. And that's why I

married you.

Because that's what I wanted.

For me.

See? Me, me, me. God, I'm so selfish.

Maybe I've been a little selfish, too.

I'm listening.

I've been so concerned about our family
being the most important thing in your

life.

I never even stopped to think that maybe
part of the reason that work is so

important to you is because of us.

Because of providing for your family.

It's true. I mean, when I'm at work, I
think about you guys all the time.

About providing a nice house for you and
great schools for the kids.

Maybe some new golf clubs for me, but
most of the time I'm thinking about you

and the kids.

And a Porsche and a plasma screen TV.

I just hope that you know that providing
for your family isn't just about money.

I know.

And to tell you the truth, I don't think
they appreciate me that much at work

anyway.

You know what?

When people ask me what I do from now
on, I'm not going to say that I'm Greg

Warner, Vice President of Business
Affairs. I'm going to say I'm Greg

father and husband.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, just hold on a second.

It's Mr.

Savitsky. He sounds upset.

Hello? Yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Savitsky.

Oh, that sounds terrible, sir.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

Train wreck.

What happened?

I guess someone wasn't looking far
enough down the tracks, and I'm the only

that can fix it.

And when I say fix it, I mean providing
for my family.

Because that remains my first priority,
because I'm Greg Warner, father and

husband.

Good work, Greg. Thank you.

No, sir. You made me promise.

Warner!