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All right, Joy Joy.
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This is the spot. This is where I'm
going to put the jacuzzi. You're really
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serious about that?
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00:00:07,990 --> 00:00:12,350
Honey, this is something I've wanted my
whole life. A bubbling cauldron of hot
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water that I could stick my big circus
tuchus in right here.
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I'm going to make my own pot of any
soup.
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As long as your matzo balls aren't in
it. Okay, go ahead, scoff. But it just
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happens there are many therapeutic
benefits about having a jacuzzi. Name
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Number one.
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It tightens your scrotum. Salt!
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Do you know that the people in Iceland,
you know what they do? They jump out of
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the hot water, they roll around in the
snow, and they jump back in. It's
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fantastic. Yeah, but Eddie, you're not
going to do any of that. You're going to
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sit in it, drink in it, and pee in it.
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Let me do that.
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But listen, I want to tell you
something. I've got a surprise for you.
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what I'm putting right next to the
jacuzzi? Your own nude beach.
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You know what I think of when I hear
nude beach?
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Sandy cracks.
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She was always in the nurse's office
because she was always chafing. Hey, do
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know that legend has it she produced a
pearl?
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Say it.
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Ta -ta.
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Come on.
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What the hell is that thing?
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Wait, I'll get the gun. We have a gun?
What? No, of course not. Hi, Mom.
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Ecuador changed my life? Really?
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Why? Is Doug dead?
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No, he's in the RV.
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Damn. Honey, come out and say hola.
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Ta -da!
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Oh, God.
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Hey, Mommy, Dad.
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Okay, all right.
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Okay, take it easy. Look, you know what?
Let's nip the familiarity thing in the
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bud, okay? We're not your mom and dad.
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This is Joy, and I'm Eddie.
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Well, technically speaking...
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You are now Doug's father -in -law.
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Ellie and I are married.
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I'm going to get me the vodka.
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So anyway, there we were, standing in a
clearing of the rainforests of Ecuador.
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When the shaman... Shaman?
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Not a rabbi? He just killed Nana.
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Go ahead, Doug.
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As I was saying, the shaman pronounced
his soulmates forever.
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Okay, all right, that's good.
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So far, I don't hear anything legal or
binding.
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00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:05,490
Well, not by the white man's law.
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Doug, you are the white man.
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Let me understand something.
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Are you two married or not?
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In our hearts and in our souls, yes, we
are.
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How about for tax purposes?
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Well, no, but since we've rejected the
entire socioeconomic system, the tax
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is irrelevant to us. That's right. See,
we don't really believe in money, Daddy.
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They don't believe in money, Daddy.
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That's going to come in real handy when
you want to buy stuff.
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00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,980
No, no, my little tree frog.
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Not our father's fault.
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He's just a product of years of
institutionalized brainwashing. Called
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What a waste of time. Yeah. See, we no
longer believe in school.
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Excellent.
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Doug, you were a teacher.
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Yes, I admit. I drank the Kool -Aid.
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Until Ecuador.
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Is that anywhere near Ecuador?
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As I was saying, it was in Ecuador that
I realized school is
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rotten with the white man's lies.
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00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,680
Okay, Doug, again, you are the white
man, okay?
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00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,260
Any whiter, you'd be on Fox News.
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00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:33,240
Don't call him names.
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He's a visionary. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
he's a visionary with a vision of his
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own ass. Daddy!
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Trying to be self -sufficient.
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00:04:45,690 --> 00:04:51,050
You know, no credit cards, no processed
foods, no material goods. So, homeless.
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Well, um, actually, we were hoping that
we could park the RV in your backyard.
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00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:07,130
This puts a damper on the nude beach.
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00:05:07,630 --> 00:05:11,370
Well, not really, sir. Allie and I are
nude most of the time. Hey, darling,
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00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:12,370
here. Come here, listen.
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00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:16,700
If I ever see your trouser flower, I'm
going to snip it off like a rosebud.
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00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:19,840
Trouser flower?
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Yes, your little penis fly trap.
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00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:26,060
Understood, sir.
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00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:29,140
Don't worry, Daddy. You won't even know
we're here. We're going to be totally
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self -sustaining. That's right. We're
going to plant our own garden. Whoa,
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00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:37,740
whoa. See, when you say something like
garden, that implies seeds and roots.
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00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:41,990
and harvesting, and that also implies
you being here a very long time, which
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impossible because this area has been
designated as my jacuzzi oasis.
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00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:49,730
How long are you guys planning on
staying?
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00:05:49,990 --> 00:05:51,130
Two years, Matt.
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00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:52,350
Two years?
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00:05:52,570 --> 00:05:56,470
Well, it'll take us that long after
living in the jungle to be completely
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of parasites.
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Ironic, huh?
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00:06:01,190 --> 00:06:03,310
Come into our home. I will give you the
grand tour.
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Oh, God.
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00:06:04,730 --> 00:06:05,930
I hate my life.
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Go ahead, take your shoes off, sir.
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Or not.
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00:06:17,370 --> 00:06:20,110
Oh, this is nice, huh, Eddie?
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Smells like Willie Nelson in here.
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All I can see is down.
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00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,970
Oh, try getting on your knees, sir.
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00:06:32,110 --> 00:06:33,110
Or not.
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00:06:33,650 --> 00:06:36,190
Back up, Daddy. There's a skylight right
behind you. Huh?
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This is great. It's like I'm not even
with you.
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00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:49,780
Yeah, it's tiny in here. I don't know
why you're being so critical. The who
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liked it. Which who?
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The band or the who that Horton heard?
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The band.
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Come on, Mom, I'll show you around.
Okay.
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Let's have the grand tour.
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Okay.
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Move, Eddie.
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I'm stuck. This thing wasn't made for a
guy my size.
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Neither was I.
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The angel got its wings.
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See,
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we're trying to be as efficient as
possible and leave a small carbon
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00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:42,050
And you're going to do that by traveling
around the world in a giant gas
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-guzzling bus.
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Aha! Don't aha me, Doug, okay?
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Sorry, sir, I was just going to make the
point that this bus has been converted
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to run on vegetable oil.
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Ah!
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00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:55,600
It smells like French fries in here.
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00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:01,100
You know, I got to tell you, I swear, if
Chanel made a perfume that smelled like
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00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:02,780
this, I would actually like the French.
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00:08:04,260 --> 00:08:05,420
You know what else is cool?
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00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,360
We recycle our own urine.
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I'm about to recycle my own lunch.
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All right, that's it.
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00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:15,720
Okay, all right.
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00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,720
Joy, butter my head and get me the hell
out of here.
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00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,760
No, I mean, who would have thought that
she would go live in the jungle with
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this guy and instead of dumping the bum,
she fake marries him? I don't know.
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00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,280
Well, at least we can maybe throw a
window on the side of that thing and
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tacos.
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But we'd have to change the horn to...
Okay,
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go ahead.
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Yeah,
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but you know what? This is the problem.
If she legally marries him, then we can
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never shake the bum.
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00:08:51,390 --> 00:08:55,770
I can't understand how the Allie I know
would hook up with some do -gooder freak
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who eats tofu and gives a rat's ass
about the environment.
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00:08:59,050 --> 00:09:01,130
I know. We raised her worse than that.
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00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:03,950
Maybe this is just a phase.
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Did you remember when you used to
believe in all that romantic love crap
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you were her age?
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00:09:09,010 --> 00:09:10,070
Tell me about it.
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Love at first sight.
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You can't get pregnant the first time.
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Soulmate.
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00:09:19,630 --> 00:09:23,270
Soulmates, yeah. Like, out of all the
billion people on Earth, you're going to
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be the one lucky son of a bitch to find
your one and only.
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Like I did.
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You think I'm one in a billion?
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00:09:37,850 --> 00:09:39,290
That's what you took from all of that?
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00:09:40,630 --> 00:09:46,410
Honey, listen, absolutely. I mean, I
feel that I am the luckiest guy.
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In the room.
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Let me in.
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Okay, come on.
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00:09:58,430 --> 00:10:02,270
Come on over here. Oh, Big Red, come
here. Put that paw around me.
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00:10:03,290 --> 00:10:04,290
You know what?
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00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:06,250
Maybe it was just a phase.
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00:10:06,490 --> 00:10:10,850
Remember when Allie was a little girl
and she thought she was a pony and I had
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00:10:10,850 --> 00:10:12,250
to strap her breakfast to her face?
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00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,160
And we made all that money giving horsey
rides to the kids in the neighborhood.
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00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,540
Hey, make me feel a little better and
put a french fry in my mouth.
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00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:29,900
Now, when you say french fry, you
mean... I mean french fry. Okay, coming
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00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,080
And there you go.
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00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,360
See that?
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Food is love, right?
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00:10:36,660 --> 00:10:41,480
Hey, Joy Joy, this is how we do it. We
win her back with food.
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00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,880
Yeah, well, we cook up all the stuff
that she loves to eat, we put it in a
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00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,180
bucket, and we strap it to her face.
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That could actually work. That could
absolutely work.
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And now, Joy Joy, get ready for the
debut of my evil scientist laugh.
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00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:33,330
they did.
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Take the gun.
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00:11:36,330 --> 00:11:37,330
Don't need it.
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00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,320
More noise.
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00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,200
Nay, nay.
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00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,100
Wow, it smells great in here.
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00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:25,760
Honey, check it out.
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00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,080
Ta -da!
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00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,500
Apples and fried chicken.
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00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,600
Allie's favorite.
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00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,420
Oh, God.
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Chicken.
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00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,460
You didn't.
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00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:44,220
Honey, of course not. This is store
-bought yard bird right here. I gave the
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00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:47,580
idiot's rooster to the guy who works at
the bakery. He has to be up at five in
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00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:51,080
the morning. And now he has his very own
alarm cock.
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Alarm cock, everybody.
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00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:58,160
I love you.
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00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,000
I think something bad happened to Mr.
Sunrise.
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00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,180
Do you think he met with foul play?
200
00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:09,620
Allie, there's nothing funny about this.
201
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,220
He was the best man at our wedding.
202
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:15,400
I shared a confined space with that
rooster all the way from Ecuador. He was
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00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,380
your friend. I'm not going to miss a
little cluck. It's just the matter of
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00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,020
disappearance that has me disturbed.
205
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:24,440
I mean, your father was holding a trash
bag with something in it that looked an
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00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,200
awful lot like there was a rooster
there.
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00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,200
Allie?
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00:13:28,980 --> 00:13:30,560
Allie? What's going on?
209
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,100
Hey, what smells so good?
210
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:33,360
Hey, honey, I'm cooking a waffle.
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00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:34,780
Help yourself.
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00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:40,060
Don't be ridiculous, Eddie. They eat
organic food. This has processed flour
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00:13:40,060 --> 00:13:41,060
trans fats.
214
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,980
Ooh, trans fats.
215
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,160
I'm too glad you don't eat stuff like
this anymore because it's delicious.
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00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,840
Oh, I eat stuff like this. I don't know.
Not now that you're Mrs. What's -His
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00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:51,840
-Face.
218
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,840
It's poison. Would you try your body to
the point where it can metabolize
219
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:08,840
acorns?
220
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,420
Yeah, you know, he's right, honey.
You've lived a very pure lifestyle. I
221
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:17,500
you don't want to ruin it now with a
beautiful, syrupy, warm waffle, do you?
222
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,020
Oh, syrupy, warm waffle.
223
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,480
But you know what? If you're hungry, you
can go across the street and munch on
224
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:24,480
that oak tree.
225
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,520
Yes? Would you like whipped cream on
your waffles?
226
00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:48,720
Now, when you say waffles, do you... I
mean waffles. Okay, well... I don't know
227
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,340
what's gotten into you. Have you
forgotten the vows that we made in
228
00:14:53,740 --> 00:14:56,160
Well, they were in Spanish, so I never
really knew what they meant.
229
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:59,020
Yeah, well, I didn't either, but I
assume that they meant that our love is
230
00:14:59,020 --> 00:15:00,060
beautiful and pure.
231
00:15:00,260 --> 00:15:04,700
Our love is beautiful, Doug, but our
lives have changed. We're not in the
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00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:05,700
anymore.
233
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,540
Is that why you stopped wearing the
banana leaf thong?
234
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,400
No, uh, remember those tamales that I
made the other day?
235
00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:13,880
That's what I wrapped them in.
236
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,500
So, uh, you're not wearing any
underwear.
237
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:20,800
That's what you took from that?
238
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,360
Doug, I want to live like a normal
person.
239
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:25,940
Allie, I was afraid of this.
240
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:30,780
The Ecuadorian druid said you'd return
to your old lifestyle and be seduced
241
00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:33,600
from me. They also said that the Earth
is a giant turtle egg waiting to hatch
242
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,740
through the druid. Oh, oh, nice.
243
00:15:36,190 --> 00:15:39,670
Allie, screw the druid. You kiss your
mother with that mouth? I'd rather shove
244
00:15:39,670 --> 00:15:40,670
cheeseburger in it.
245
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,150
All right, you know what?
246
00:15:43,350 --> 00:15:44,730
I don't even know you anymore.
247
00:15:45,230 --> 00:15:47,710
I'm going to be alone in the other room.
248
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,550
How did our little girl end up living in
a FEMA trailer with a putz?
249
00:16:04,460 --> 00:16:07,840
how it works, honey. Sometimes you just
gotta let your kids go and hope they
250
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,440
don't come back smelling like strangers.
251
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:13,220
So what's our plan?
252
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,200
Plan? Why do we always have to have a
plan?
253
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:17,720
What, do you think we're living in a
sitcom?
254
00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:20,780
Not this week, I don't.
255
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:23,960
You know why?
256
00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:25,420
Because I have a question.
257
00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:29,820
A very frightening, not funny question,
Joy. You want to hear it?
258
00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:31,740
Not funny is your specialty.
259
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,120
Thank you.
260
00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:39,890
What if he's really in love with her, or
worse, she's really in love with him,
261
00:16:39,990 --> 00:16:46,310
and what if they are, and I'm vomiting a
little just saying this, happy
262
00:16:46,310 --> 00:16:47,310
together?
263
00:16:48,910 --> 00:16:50,490
What a horrible thought.
264
00:16:55,790 --> 00:16:56,790
Hey, guys.
265
00:16:58,649 --> 00:17:01,110
Ooh, is that bacon? What's going on
here?
266
00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:02,530
Oh, just having some breakfast.
267
00:17:02,810 --> 00:17:04,490
Oh, I love bacon. Is that real bacon?
268
00:17:04,710 --> 00:17:05,249
Uh -huh.
269
00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:06,250
Bacon, bacon?
270
00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:07,410
Uh -huh. Big candy?
271
00:17:08,230 --> 00:17:09,230
Yeah, Daddy.
272
00:17:09,410 --> 00:17:11,390
I thought you guys weren't eating that
stuff anymore.
273
00:17:11,609 --> 00:17:14,190
Well, I'm not, but Allie enjoys it.
274
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:17,630
What? I thought you were dead set
against her eating like a human being.
275
00:17:18,609 --> 00:17:22,990
Oh, he was. In fact, Doug and I had a
giant fight last night. But then we made
276
00:17:22,990 --> 00:17:25,450
up. Yeah, pretty much all night. Okay.
277
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,240
and Kama Sutra, and then we busted out
the webcam.
278
00:17:34,860 --> 00:17:37,120
All right, we're done. Let's get back to
the bacon.
279
00:17:37,380 --> 00:17:39,960
Please. Oh, okay. We came to a
compromise.
280
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:41,519
That's right.
281
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:45,740
See, we realized that our love is big
enough to contain my deeply held beliefs
282
00:17:45,740 --> 00:17:49,140
as well as Allie's need for pork and
cable TV.
283
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,500
I see. And how did you come up with this
amazing realization?
284
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:55,780
Well, actually, because of you two.
285
00:17:56,060 --> 00:17:56,839
That's right.
286
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,380
See, we realized that you two love each
other, and...
287
00:17:59,690 --> 00:18:03,450
You guys aren't really like each other.
In fact, it's like you're from two
288
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:04,450
different planets.
289
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:09,550
If I hear the word Uranus, it's your
ass.
290
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,370
I think it's pronounced Uranus, sir.
291
00:18:14,390 --> 00:18:16,750
Is that how they say it in Ecuador?
292
00:18:28,430 --> 00:18:32,130
all your differences in spite of all,
you know, the slamming doors and broken
293
00:18:32,130 --> 00:18:35,990
lamps and screaming fights and knock
-down, drag -out drunken brawls and
294
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:39,070
ignoring the fact that the first word
that I ever learned still can't be said
295
00:18:39,070 --> 00:18:44,850
network television, you guys remain
together and appear to be happy. So we
296
00:18:44,850 --> 00:18:48,670
figure that if we can do half as well as
you two have done, we'll be a six -up.
297
00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:52,670
Congratulations, Joy. We've lowered the
bar.
298
00:18:55,270 --> 00:18:56,450
Are you happy, sweetie?
299
00:18:56,750 --> 00:18:57,750
Yes, Mom.
300
00:18:58,190 --> 00:19:00,170
You hear that, Eddie? Yeah. She's happy.
301
00:19:00,670 --> 00:19:05,810
Yeah. Well, my girls are happy. I'm
happy.
302
00:19:06,050 --> 00:19:08,450
I guess we're just one happy family.
303
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:14,450
Does this mean that you accept me as
part of the family?
304
00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:16,250
Yes.
305
00:19:16,430 --> 00:19:20,310
I accept you in the same way I accept my
septic tank as part of the house.
306
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,160
What you doing, babe?
307
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,840
I'm just saying goodbye to the jacuzzi,
the nude beach, and our property value.
308
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,980
Come on, Eddie. It's not the end of the
world.
309
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:51,620
Our little girl's in love.
310
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:54,280
No reason we all can't get along.
311
00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:14,390
Too early to start drinking? Nope.
312
00:20:20,830 --> 00:20:21,890
Is that bacon?
313
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:23,110
Uh -huh. Real bacon?
314
00:20:23,410 --> 00:20:25,050
Uh -huh. Pig candy?
315
00:20:25,330 --> 00:20:26,330
Yes, Daddy.
316
00:20:27,190 --> 00:20:28,190
Wow.
317
00:20:29,290 --> 00:20:31,090
I didn't say bacon -bacon before.
318
00:20:31,450 --> 00:20:33,630
Really? Well, you should say it, because
it's good.
319
00:20:43,820 --> 00:20:44,860
Whoa, I'm in the crack.
320
00:20:45,780 --> 00:20:51,020
Two years? Wait, wait, wait.
321
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:54,680
I'm going to say, how long are you
planning on staying? Oh, okay. Well,
322
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,020
got to let us know, for God's sake.
323
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,600
This is make -believe. We're doing make
-believe.
25737
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