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Time I zig you zide.
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I like coffee.
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Tease your bag.
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Though it makes no sense, it's true.
There's no me without you.
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Till Death is filmed in front of a live
studio audience.
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Here you go, your regular meatball
sandwich.
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Extra sauce, extra cheese with a light
dusting of crumbled bacon.
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Here's to your health.
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You know, funny story how bacon got
invited to this party. Yeah, I heard it.
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no, no, I have to tell you this. It was
about ten years ago, I was at this very
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table, and I had some bacon stuck in my
teeth from breakfast.
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I bite into the sandwich, and all of a
sudden, these two meats are making love
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inside my mouth.
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And they bore a child named Yum.
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Well, it's about time my mouth made love
to some nicotine gum.
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Oh.
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Wow. Oh, boy.
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Too much cheese.
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Darn.
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What are you doing here?
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Living, loving, getting my sandwich on.
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Sit down. Sit down.
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Did anyone see you come in here?
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Oh, it's the homeless guy outside with
his raincoat tucked into his pants.
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I'm talking about someone we know.
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Or Joy.
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Why are you all wiggy, man?
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I'm not wiggy. Why do you think I'm
wiggy? What am I doing that's wiggy?
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You're squeezing that sandwich so hard
you just lost the ball.
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Probably smart.
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She looks like she would talk a lot in
the sack.
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What's going on, man? All right, look,
here's the thing. For about 20 years,
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I've been coming in here and getting
meatball sandwiches, but I've never told
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Joy. What is she, only about the
cholesterol and stuff?
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Cholesterol, please. I've seen that
woman spread cold gravy on a cupcake.
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It was early on in our marriage. I was
out
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running a bunch of errands, and then I
ended up coming in here.
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When I got home later, I told Joy
everything I did, but for some reason, I
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told her about the sandwich.
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Was it wrong?
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Yes.
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Did it make me feel better than I've
ever felt in my entire life?
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You bet your sweet black ass.
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You get yourself secret meatballs.
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Every man needs a secret meatball. Yes,
yes, we do. And this is the only thing
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left in our relationship that is all
mine.
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It gives you a chance to reconnect with
an old friend.
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You. Now, listen to this. I need you to
do me a favor. You can never mention any
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of this to Joy. She already knows
everything else there is to know about
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knows my ATM code, my strange fear of
bean -based soups.
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The confusing feelings I have when I see
Jude Law.
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I get that.
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I get all weird about Prince.
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The important thing to remember while
maneuvering her is you have to feel like
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tiny driver inside the dune buggy.
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I've seen a tiny badass me.
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with tiny goggles on and tiny little
driving gloves.
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I think of myself as tiny, but still
pretty tall compared to other tiny
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00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,920
And tiny me is also catnip to the tiny
ladies.
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I know, I know.
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She's a bitch and she sleeps around.
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But you have to invite her. She's still
your mother.
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Hey, guys. You have a little sauce on
your shirt.
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This must have happened at Morris when
you called my name and I jumped. What
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hell are you doing?
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00:04:34,870 --> 00:04:38,090
You have to treat a stain before it sets
as long as you want to win.
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But you're making it worse.
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It's the process.
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Wow, that's definitely getting worse.
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I'm going to need some kosher salt and
some pantyhose.
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00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:52,330
Don't rub it like...
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00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:02,260
So what is that, tomato?
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No.
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Hell no.
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00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:11,460
What is it, lipstick? You having an
affair on me?
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Maybe.
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00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,020
Maybe he's looking for a lady who
doesn't ask so many questions.
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00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:20,720
You guys been sniffing dune buggy glue?
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Because you're acting really strange.
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00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:29,980
What, what, so suddenly a man can't dab
another man with a wet cloth without
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being labeled strange?
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What a world.
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What a world indeed.
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All right, listen here, buddy. You're
going to tell me what's going on, or I'm
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going to get it out of your little
friend here.
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He doesn't know anything.
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00:05:43,540 --> 00:05:44,720
Yeah, I'll be the judge of that.
88
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:49,560
Hey there, Mr. Man.
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That nice, smooth head of yours is
getting a little sweaty.
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00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:58,760
Thank you.
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00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,340
What are you two hiding, Kenneth?
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Don't call me Kenneth. My mom calls me
Kenneth.
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00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:15,060
Oh, does she, Kenneth? And when does she
call you Kenneth? When you're trying to
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hide something?
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Kenneth?
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He's got a secret meatball sandwich.
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What?
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You have played with my doom buggy for
the last time.
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I deserve that.
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So what's the deal with the sandwich?
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All right, honey. Look, here's the
thing.
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I've been going to this place called
Maury's and I've been getting these
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meatball sandwiches and not telling you.
104
00:07:04,410 --> 00:07:05,690
How long have you been doing that?
105
00:07:06,650 --> 00:07:08,050
I don't know. What is this, Tuesday?
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00:07:08,270 --> 00:07:09,270
20 years.
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about this? About your secret sandwich?
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Not so much.
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Sneaking around to get meatballs for 20
years is just so lame.
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It is. It is crazy lame. So we can
pretend we've never had this
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Your secret's safe with me.
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Wait a second. Hold on. You know what
I'm going to do? I'm going to have a
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secret yogurt right now.
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There's fruit at the bottom. Don't tell
anyone. It's a
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00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:10,840
Here's your meatball sandwich and your
root beer. Thank you. Hey, I got a funny
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00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,200
story for you. I know, I heard it. No,
no, no, no. Listen, this one you've
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00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:17,640
heard before. This is fresh stuff. I've
been coming here about 20 years. You
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never told your wife and then she found
out and you were afraid she was going to
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be angry, but she wasn't?
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Should I leave the chat?
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Wait a second.
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How did you hear about that story? Well,
your wife told me. She was in here a
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couple hours ago.
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What? Yeah.
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You know, she's pretty. I was surprised.
I always pictured her fat Take
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it away What?
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00:09:04,650 --> 00:09:05,750
What's up? You're kind of creeping me
out.
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00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:08,730
How was your day?
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00:09:09,610 --> 00:09:10,610
What'd you do?
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Uh, I don't know. I went to the car
wash.
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00:09:15,950 --> 00:09:17,370
I went to the bank.
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You know, we have almost no money.
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Sure do.
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00:09:25,010 --> 00:09:26,210
Did you go anywhere else?
135
00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:29,210
No. Oh, I did pick up a chai tea.
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00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,810
A chai tea?
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00:09:31,310 --> 00:09:33,010
Or a lie tea?
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00:09:36,650 --> 00:09:39,230
I know you went to my secret meatball
place.
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00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:41,150
Convenient how you just left that out,
huh?
140
00:09:41,350 --> 00:09:44,590
Okay, yeah. I went to Maury's once just
to see the place.
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Well, now you've contaminated it.
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00:09:48,990 --> 00:09:49,990
I'm sorry.
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I've contaminated it?
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00:09:51,810 --> 00:09:53,930
There's a possum trap in the ladies'
room.
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Why'd you go, Joy? I thought you didn't
care.
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00:09:58,270 --> 00:10:01,710
You were laughing when I told you. Okay,
fine. Yeah, I laughed about it at
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00:10:01,710 --> 00:10:04,510
first, but then it seemed really weird
that you had to hide it from me.
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00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:08,420
I mean, what is the deal with this
stupid sandwich? It's not just a
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It's what it represents.
150
00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:14,140
Don't you understand? It was the only
thing in my life that you didn't know
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00:10:14,140 --> 00:10:17,240
about. The one and only thing that was
all mine.
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00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,440
Come on. There are things that we don't
know about each other. I can say five
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00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,860
things right now that you don't know
about me.
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Go for it.
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Okay.
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00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,000
I... Bleach your mustache.
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00:10:45,870 --> 00:10:48,470
Okay, all right. Here's something you
don't know, okay?
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00:10:48,930 --> 00:10:53,610
In college once, after this concert,
I... Slept with a guy named Daryl Hall
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00:10:53,610 --> 00:10:56,850
because you thought he was part of the
band Hall & Oates and he just ended up
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00:10:56,850 --> 00:10:58,310
being a random guy named Daryl Hall.
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00:11:05,550 --> 00:11:08,530
All right, we know everything about each
other, okay?
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00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:13,040
Call me crazy, but I don't think that
that's such a bad thing in a marriage,
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00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:14,260
babe. It's because you're a chick.
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00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:19,380
Excuse me? Look, Joy, I'm a good
husband.
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00:11:19,860 --> 00:11:23,660
I would never cheat on you. I would
never murder someone and bury them in
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00:11:23,660 --> 00:11:24,660
pantry.
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00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:26,720
The pantry?
168
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,300
What's wrong with the pantry?
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00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,960
Well, it's just a very specific place to
talk about burying someone.
170
00:11:32,380 --> 00:11:35,900
Generally, people just say the woods,
but it's almost as if you have a plan.
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00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:37,960
Can I finish?
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00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:38,839
Go ahead.
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Okay. My secret meatball sandwich was
the last bit of my independence.
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00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:47,700
Now, I know it may sound lame, but it
was important to me.
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00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,780
But now you know it, and you can never
unknow it.
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00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:55,820
I'm so sorry I know your big secret.
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00:11:56,700 --> 00:12:00,320
Here. Why don't you hit me over the head
with a frying pan, and I'll forget all
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00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:01,360
about it. Go ahead.
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00:12:13,230 --> 00:12:15,150
You're not actually thinking about
hitting me with that, are you?
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00:12:17,510 --> 00:12:18,510
No.
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00:12:23,670 --> 00:12:26,470
Hey, hun, Steph and I are heading out.
What are you doing tonight?
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00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:30,830
Why don't you tell me what I'm doing
tonight, oh keeper of all secrets?
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00:12:33,770 --> 00:12:35,390
Ew, what's that smell?
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00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:37,690
Me.
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00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:43,520
Wow, you are... smoldering kettle of
sexual energy.
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00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,640
I think we better leave the room before
we both jump your bones.
187
00:12:51,380 --> 00:12:53,600
Are you still bumming about that
meatball thing?
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00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:55,300
How long is that going to last?
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00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:58,520
I don't know. Possibly forever. I'm
looking into getting my own condo.
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00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,640
You know, maybe him having a secret
wasn't such a bad thing.
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00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,020
Maybe it gave your relationship a little
spark.
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00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:06,840
It really didn't.
193
00:13:11,210 --> 00:13:12,210
smelled like that before.
194
00:13:14,310 --> 00:13:17,170
I actually think secrets are kind of
cool and exciting.
195
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:22,630
I mean, I love Jeff, but I know
everything about him.
196
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,610
I'm desperately hoping there's something
I don't know.
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00:13:26,550 --> 00:13:27,910
So it keeps me going.
198
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,120
need to get a new secret.
199
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:46,880
What?
200
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,240
What brought this on?
201
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:53,040
I don't know. Maybe your secret
meatballs did give you an air of mystery
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00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:57,000
without them you are just a big tall
pile of bleh.
203
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,160
A new secret, huh?
204
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,040
I think it's going to be good for us.
205
00:14:02,260 --> 00:14:03,039
You know what?
206
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,940
Maybe I'm going to get myself a secret
too.
207
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,800
Ooh, a lady's secret.
208
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:08,340
How very forward thinking.
209
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:10,480
I'll allow it.
210
00:14:18,020 --> 00:14:21,060
Oh, I totally ruined Eddie's marriage,
so I'm taking him out for a tuna
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00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:22,060
sandwich.
212
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,220
Ah, gentlemen, hey, Kenny.
213
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:26,680
Hey, what's going on, Eddie?
214
00:14:27,140 --> 00:14:31,660
Ready for your apology lunch? Oh, no
need to apologize, my friend. Joy has
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00:14:31,660 --> 00:14:34,260
change of heart. She's going to let me
pick a new secret.
216
00:14:34,620 --> 00:14:38,100
Apparently, your wife got to her. She
said you're a snooze to live with
217
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:41,120
there's nothing mysterious about you, so
she figured that I could be...
218
00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:48,980
There's nothing mysterious about me?
219
00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:51,540
That's right.
220
00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:57,360
Okay, right. So look, this is what I
need. I need you guys to focus here and
221
00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,980
come up with a great new secret for me
that's going to blow meatball sandwiches
222
00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:02,940
out of the water. Anybody, what do you
got?
223
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,440
Secret tacos.
224
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:09,080
Okay, see, now you're replacing food
with food. Come on, we're better than
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00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,000
Boink the science teacher.
226
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:13,920
Frank Littleton?
227
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,040
I'm sorry, I meant the new math teacher.
228
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:22,040
Let's keep it above the belt, all right?
229
00:15:22,900 --> 00:15:23,900
Secret bird?
230
00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:25,020
Secret hamster?
231
00:15:25,220 --> 00:15:26,199
Secret squirrel?
232
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,200
Secret jetpack!
233
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:31,800
Do us a favor, get a haircut.
234
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,080
How could she not think I'm mysterious?
235
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,300
I am a magician, for God's sake.
236
00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:40,980
You know, I own two capes.
237
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,420
All right, look, this is the thing.
We've got to make sure that my secret is
238
00:15:46,420 --> 00:15:47,460
better than Joy's.
239
00:15:48,060 --> 00:15:49,060
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
240
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,160
Joy gets to have a secret, too?
241
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:52,740
Yeah. Oh, boy.
242
00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:54,680
What, what, what? What, oh, boy?
243
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:58,520
What's wrong with that? A good secret is
when it's yours and you know what it
244
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,820
is. A bad secret is when it's hers.
245
00:16:01,470 --> 00:16:02,750
And she's riding the pool boy.
246
00:16:03,570 --> 00:16:07,630
Look, nobody's going to be having sex
with anybody, okay?
247
00:16:07,930 --> 00:16:13,230
Of course. It's going to be fine. You
got a bosomy, free -spirited lady doing
248
00:16:13,230 --> 00:16:16,470
stuff and not telling you. What could
possibly go wrong?
249
00:16:21,490 --> 00:16:22,490
What'd you do today?
250
00:16:23,730 --> 00:16:25,570
I hung out. Went around.
251
00:16:26,890 --> 00:16:29,210
Got a pretty great new secret rolling.
252
00:16:30,219 --> 00:16:33,160
But of course, that is all that I can
divulge.
253
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,340
Obviously. That makes it a secret.
254
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:38,680
Good. You get it.
255
00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:43,920
But I can tell you that mine is pretty
spectacular.
256
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:49,900
And I don't mind telling you that I am
loving my secret, too.
257
00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:52,800
Great. Couldn't be happier for you.
258
00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:55,140
Secrets, huh?
259
00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:56,660
Fun to keep.
260
00:16:57,380 --> 00:16:58,380
Fun also.
261
00:17:12,669 --> 00:17:15,410
One secret pinwheel, please.
262
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,100
What is going on in here?
263
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,240
What? My secret.
264
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:58,240
You can't just take my secret and make
it your secret. You're breaking the laws
265
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,240
of secrets.
266
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:04,460
Why? It couldn't be your secret anymore,
and the sandwich is delicious.
267
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:08,020
Did you go with melted mozzarella on the
top? What other cheese could you
268
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,380
possibly go with on there?
269
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:10,660
I don't know.
270
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,260
Feta? Feta?
271
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,920
Feta? Oh, you know what? I can't even
look at you right now. You have no
272
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,580
business being in here. And you, you, I
guess you'll just wait on anybody, won't
273
00:18:19,580 --> 00:18:20,580
you?
274
00:18:21,220 --> 00:18:23,460
I'm a waitress. That's kind of what I
do.
275
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:29,360
I don't know why you're getting so upset
about this. You said your new secret
276
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:30,360
was spectacular.
277
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,160
I lied.
278
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:33,760
Am I right, Joy?
279
00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:36,120
I don't even have a new secret.
280
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:38,520
I couldn't even think of anything else.
281
00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:40,820
That's how lame I am.
282
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,880
Well, why do you think I took your
secret? I couldn't think of anything
283
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:44,960
either. That's how lame I am.
284
00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:46,820
So that's it.
285
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,720
Now we know everything about each other.
286
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,040
We're no longer two independent beings.
287
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:59,600
This is the end of Joy and Eddie. We've
simply become... Jetty.
288
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,020
But you know what? Who cares?
289
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,180
This has been exhausting anyway.
290
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:14,460
Now that we have absolutely nothing left
to hide, I'm actually feeling a
291
00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:17,040
strange sense of peace.
292
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:18,600
Yeah, me too.
293
00:19:25,449 --> 00:19:26,890
Sorry you lost your secret.
294
00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:34,890
But you know when your last shred of
independence is a meatball sandwich kind
295
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:35,890
running out of road.
296
00:19:40,270 --> 00:19:43,270
I'm going to go try to find a fork that
doesn't have gum on it.
297
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,180
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you got
going on there? Oh, this is a new
298
00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:55,700
sandwich. It's not on the menu yet. It's
peppers and sausage and cheese on a
299
00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:56,700
jalapeno roll.
300
00:19:57,220 --> 00:20:01,800
Listen, next time I'm in here, throw a
little bacon on that and keep it on the
301
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:02,800
down low.
302
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:08,320
Secret sausage.
303
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,700
Why don't you go upstairs and bleach
your mustache?
24228
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