Original subtitles

Melissa knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

And it's exactly what Henry needs to bring home the bacon.

She also knows that the key to a happy marriage So then I told Benny, why don't

you put a sock in it?

is knowing when to keep your mouth shut and make a damn good cup of

joe.

And when the time comes to send him off for the day, give him something to

remember.

And once he's gone, she must clean, clean, and clean.

After all, a pristine home is the...

Oh, what the hell? We need to get out of this.

Get out of what?

Oh. That.

It was a sign from up above or down below or whatever,

but we're fucked up.

What? I'm just resting my eyes. Rest them here, hey? Because I am not wearing

that. For the next nine months, any ideas. Melissa, it's 6am.

Men used to go to war, Henry.

Look, even if Step Art Kitty doesn't have another aneurysm... Picture this.

We're strolling down Ponsonby Road on a Thursday afternoon. It's 3 .30, school's

getting up. There's a snotty little private school kid on a lime scooter.

future sex trafficker or a prime minister. Either way, it doesn't matter.

no respect for footpath etiquette, pregnant women or the general public.

He scoops his lime scooter illegally across the road at a non -crossing where

then gets pancaked by a truck.

Or he would if I didn't heroically jump into oncoming traffic, tackle him off

his stupid scooter, saving his life, also changing it forever.

No more sex trafficking, no more Prime Minister. No, he's going to dedicate his

life to the public good and eradicate world hunger by 2060. I'm sorry, what

it have to do with anything?

Well, in the course of saving this little shithead's life, I have a

Swapping the life of my unborn baby for another.

I should name a building after me. Look, logistics aside, no, we are not staging

a horrific miscarriage. Why? Are you squeamish? No, it's bad karma for, like,

reincarnation. Only if you don't.

Look, do you want to be with me?

Are you fishing for compliments?

Uh, yeah.

Okay. Are you happy with me?

What? Are we, like, gonna sing a duet? Because I'm happy with you.

Okay.

You're... not the worst.

Wow. Thanks.

Look.

What if we made it real?

Are you serious?

Why not?

For like a million reasons. No chance.

I'm not ready.

Whoever is. People who do IVF. People who adopt.

Octomum. The reality show.

I'd be a terrible mother.

I'm impatient.

I'm angry. Like, all the time. I'm selfish. You're kind.

Not nice, necessarily. But you're patient when it matters. You're smart.

tough. You're the most unapologetic person I've ever met.

I can't think of...

Anyone else who'll make a call a mom and I'm not the worst apparently

Debatable think about it.

That's all I'm asking You

okay,

yeah, why you're eating a salad so It's pretty worrying behaviour.

Yeah, I've never seen you voluntarily eat anything that grows from a tree.

You're thinking of fruit.

Vegetables grow on vines in the ground.

Oh, so then why did you add banana, orange and pomegranate to a salmon and

arugula salad? It makes no culinary sense.

That's even weird for me, bro. Look, I'm just trying to stay regular, okay?

Ew. And vitamin C increases sperm count.

So what?

So he wants a real baby.

He wants me to think about it. But, like, you know, in the hypothetical,

abstract, Schrodinger's future kind of way, where anything can happen. Okay,

well, in a hypothetical, abstract, whatever kind of way, you would have had

have conceived a baby, like, two months ago?

Oh, just say it. Two months late.

No big deal. No, it's a big deal. Two months would be like a medical anomaly.

Plus, that's even assuming that you can conceive right away. Ali, I think I'll

be fine.

Not what I meant.

Wait, what? What is he trying to say? It's not just about sperm count. It's

about sperm quality. Trust me, bro, I am a mega -donor at the local sperm bank.

It doesn't matter how many you've got if they can't get the job done. Well, why

do you think I'm eating this salad?

It doesn't work that fast.

Unfortunately, declining sperm health in men over 35 is an issue that isn't

talked about enough in our culture. Yeah, so if your buddies aren't match

this won't just be a medical anomaly, it'll be a medical abomination.

You really think your parents can handle that? Relax, okay? The thing that

Chinese parents care about when it comes to babies is that one eventually comes

out. Anyway, I can't get into this zygote counting thing with you today.

is the 15th. You literally need to decide today.

Because I'm settling the house.

You don't think it's kind of fishy that he's springing this on you now?

Fishy? How?

Come on, Henry, the private school stuff, the robot Tamagotchi thing.

Pretty weird. Fucking weird.

Of course it is, baby. Look, we're just saying that you have a history of

rushing into the fire to get out of the frying pan. So as your friend... Oh,

God, this is disgusting. Are you sure you're not using all this mess to get

Melissa to do what you want?

Because you want to have a real baby.

See?

This is why you shouldn't eat salad, bro.

That is so manipulative. Henry would never do that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my girlfriend is about to become a homeowner.

It's dirtier than I remember.

They just take the keys on the side.

It's not a car, Henry.

No one's going to drive off with it.

I don't think anyone would want to.

Bougie.

Dear Melissa, wishing you all the best on your new home.

Nice.

It'll need a new fridge. And we should probably rip up the carpet.

Maybe call peace control.

You really like it, huh?

Yeah.

I'll let you two have a moment.

So, you're a landlord now.

I had a little help from my soon -to -be property manager.

Is that so?

Dave. Dave, I'm going to cut you.

What are you doing here? Let me do it. Mr. and Mrs. What are you doing here?

Let me do it.

Mr. and Mrs. What are you doing

here?

There is mold in the bathroom. I had to hold my breath.

Okay, I'm sure it wasn't a toxic variant.

Bro, mold keeps the spiders away. I say leave it in there. Am I right?

Excuse

us.

Fertilization business.

Ew.

Ow, what?

Why did you invite my parents?

I did not invite your parents. You mean to tell me that my mother, who hasn't

remembered my birthday since I came out of her, had my settlement day marked in

her calendar?

Melissa, everyone gets born, okay? Buying a house in this economy is an

achievement.

Did you do all this baby crap too?

What? No.

So you didn't do all of this to convince me to have a real baby with you to get

everyone off our back? Okay, one, that is the act of a psychopath.

And two, I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life. True.

Mostly with you, but that would be the act of... How long have you been sitting

there? You smug little... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've got

I've got this.

Hey,

little guys.

Sorry, she's just a little stressed at the moment.

Look, how about you and me, man to man, cards on the table.

Please don't tell your mum we're thinking of having a real baby.

Uh, I've got a Corner Cafe loyalty card,

eight cups filled, and $20.

$30?

You know, in this economy, it's pretty tough.

What is that you're drinking over there, huh?

Some kind of chia seed, spirulina, detox, whatever?

What if I could get you off your mum's Venice Beach diet for a day, huh?

I'm thinking Tim Tams, Doritos, MSG.

What do you say?

Tomorrow afternoon, I take you out for a McFlurry and a Happy Meal?

Do we have ourselves a deal?

I guess you won't be needing it.

Tomorrow, we're on Telecom.

Tell.

Mommy? Jesus.

I'm taking a shit.

Mindy, I'm about to take... Are you and Henry going to have a real baby?

No. I heard you from the kiddo, because your walls are cheap.

Tell Henry thanks for the 30 bucks, by the way. I hope it comes from the high

life savings.

Fuck. Henry, come on, come on, come on.

That's disgusting.

Hey. It's cool, bro. If you don't have the raw muscle strength to provide for

your offspring, just say so.

These babies, 90 kg of force per square inch.

I'm like a chimpanzee.

Oh, man. If you had a life force of 90 kg, you'd be a Neanderthal. Are you

calling me a liar, bro?

Henry.

Yeah,

Henry.

so glad you finally decided to get your life together.

Between us, who's the homeowner and whose husband blew their entire bank

on VR? Oh, you mean the shitbox you bought with the inheritance money you

swindled from our dying aunt by pretending to be pregnant?

She's not dying.

I wasn't passing by.

Well, pass on. And I wanted to mention that it's probably physically

for you to have a kid now while you're young and horny and isn't firing blanks.

And love. You should do it for love. Whoa.

That is a terrible reason to have a baby.

You wouldn't send a soldier to war without the proper training.

And the fact of the matter is, you are not ready, he is not ready. Together,

they're not ready. Oh, hey, what are we arguing about in here? We're just

talking about how Melissa and Henry aren't ready to have a real baby.

Oh, yeah, absolutely not. Oh, why not? Wow, I wasn't aware that my vagina was a

public housing project that you all needed to sign off on. Look, look, your

body, your choice.

Wow, that's nice to know.

From my one -time Uber driver.

I think it should be a mutual decision. No, no, no, no, no. Well, it would be a

mutual decision, but it'd just take like five minutes so that I could hear

myself think.

So he is pressuring her.

Is that what he's doing? He's pressuring her? Pressure is a strong word.

Diamonds are made under pressure. Oh, shut up. What you're doing is nice.

Henry may be naive and indecisive and occasionally stupid and...

Short -sighted, both literally and figuratively, but he's a good guy.

I never said that he was. None of you know what you're talking about.

Do you love him?

Do you think that he'd be there for you? Okay, that's how I see it.

He's there every time.

There comes a point in your life when you realise that everyone you know is

pretending to be adult, pretending to be strong. And we're all swimming against

the tide looking for a shore, looking for a harbour.

What else is there?

Let's have a baby.

Really?

You were pretty young when you hit me, weren't you?

When I was your age, you were already eight years old.

I was not.

Well,

they probably deserved it.

Were you surprised when you found out that you were... Oh yeah, I was going to

kill me.

You were going to kill me?

Firstly,

it's my body, my choice.

And secondly... You've never told me that.

How do you say in English?

Fuck boy.

Why

didn't

you?

Fuck boy, fuck boy, fuck boy. Look, there's a baby.

No more fuck boy.

And guess what? I was right.

What's wrong?

We're out of ice.

Can I use the bathroom?

You forgot to ask.

Jesus. No, idiot.

Me. Moi.

Ah.

You talk a big game, yeah?

I'm Melissa, and I'm a big bad bitch.

At the moment, somebody applies the teeniest, tiniest bit of pressure you

I mean, what happens to Patagonia?

What happens to riding wild mustangs on the Argentinian? I mean, I'm surprised

that you can ride a horse.

I would have thought that you needed a spine for that.

That's not fair.

It's not fair.

It's not fair.

I'm Melissa, and I'm going to have a baby, because it's too hard to say no,

I would rather put my life on hold, because if I do what I actually want...

Then I might hurt Henry's feelings.

They suck.

Make me, you weak, sniveling... No,

number two.

I need a pregnancy test.

Now!

Ten dollars.

Ah, congratulations.

You did it. You fly dog, you.

What?

Well, you successfully manipulated Melissa into having your baby. Honestly,

didn't think you had it in you.

Ellie, I did not manipulate Melissa, okay?

I just asked her to consider it, that's all.

Well, did you ever think maybe even just you asking was enough to pit the

scales?

What are you saying?

Well, I just felt it.

If you could see the world looking through my eyes Then you'd see

and anything you like Forget about the ones who say you don't belong

You'd know that they were wrong Just see the world looking through

my eyes