Original subtitles

What do you mean Lana hasn't called?

I mean, I've been sitting here for like five million years and the phone hasn't

rung once. So every time it doesn't, I just assume it's not her not calling to

say that they... They should have rescued Sterling and Rip from the

hours ago.

Maybe they did and just didn't call.

No, I gave them explicit orders to... What the hell are you wearing?

Uh, this thing called my boss made me sleep at my desk. So pajamas... Men's

pajamas? For God's sake, woman, where is your pride?

In my work?

That may be the funniest thing you've ever said.

Thank you. Oh, shut up.

And then try Lana's sat phone.

Wait, what if Lana's been captured, too?

Then I'll have to ransom her and Sterling and Rip and... Well, no, Miss

Gillette's on her own.

Still, get Cyril in here. I need him to find a way to pay for all this.

Wait a minute.

That can't be right.

I remember being really mad and really drunk and deciding to do some online

banking. Oh, my God.

I must have embarrassed myself last night, huh?

Don't talk like black people. And how should I know? I'm still ripped.

Oh, so you don't, um, happen to remember me saying anything about passwords to,

say, Swiss bank accounts?

I don't even remember who peed on your sofa.

Although if I was a gambling man... Cyril!

Smells like a kennel in here.

Cash reserves, how much do we have?

I'll, uh, need to run those numbers.

Well, hurry up. We don't have a minute to lose.

God only knows what kind of torture Sterling's going through.

Get off the bucket.

I'm not done.

Yes, you are.

But I didn't, you know, I can't with all the everybody looking at me and then

the judgment.

Noah? Yes. I just traveled 8 ,000 miles and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates

trying to rescue a person who is now responsible for my getting crabbed

Oh, come on. These crabs this time were not my fault. This whole dungeon is,

um... Were you going to say lousy with them?

I was.

But then I realized that, uh... Where that phrase comes from, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so guess what I'm in.

Um, no mood?

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Wait, shouldn't it be some kind of crab dish?

Because of the crabs?

Like, um, crab cakes?

Ooh, or, uh, Lana.

Lana.

Lana.

Lana! What?

Dungeon us crab.

Ha ha.

Because we're in a dungeon?

I'm kidding. Crab Rancor.

Noah, seriously, I swear to God.

Stop. Rock beats spoon. You should know that. You're an archaeologist.

Anthropologist. Whatever. I mean, if you're doing it just to get on my

okay, I get it. But if you're trying to actually escape... Well, at least he's

trying something.

Yeah, as opposed to the double mint twins.

And one, two, three, go, Harry!

Missed it by that much. Shut up. It's no use. The trapdoor goes up a vertical

shaft to the radio room. Exactly. And if we get to the radio... Which this idiot

shot to pieces.

Holy shit.

What the hell happened to him? He... Who knows? Maybe he had a brain aneurysm.

No, he... It's the silent killer, Noah. Not unlike a metal spoon sharpened to a

razor's edge and used to slit an anthropologist's bird -like throat.

He just kind of keeled over.

probably thanks to your bucket stank. What? Excuse me, I didn't even go. We're

going. One, two, three, down, Hurd.

Jeez, how about a little warning? I said down, Hurd. A couple things. One, Ray,

thanks for perpetuating the stereotype of the gay man as a collegiate

cheerleader. Uh, yeah, for your information, almost all male

Finely tuned hetero athletes, yeah. Hang on, I'm getting a call.

Hello? Hi, it's lacrosse. You lose. Wait, the phone.

Lacrosse? Yeah, it's Algonquin for blood sport. It's not Algonquin for anything.

Noah? My sat phone. Yeah, see, Noah?

Wait, your what? My sat phone. The pirates took it. And since I haven't

in, Isis should be calling me any time now.

Geez, Alana, answer your stupid phone.

Hello? Give me Sterling, not your mother.

Oh, my God, be more Chinese -y.

Pirates!

Well, put them through.

Oh, my God, Beemore, I hate you. That's why your phone is blinking.

Oh, hello?

This is Mallory Archer.

This is Mallory Archer.

Okay, then you listen to me.

No, you just listen to me, Buster.

If you touch one hair on my son's head, I'll have your guts for garters. Ah -ha,

you like we're gutter?

Idiot, you heathen!

Mallory will call. She'll haggle over the ransom for you, me, and Riley.

What about me?

Yeah, and me. We'll come back for you later.

No, shut up. We gotta get that phone or something. I don't know. But I don't

want Mother talking to Bucky. Why not? She's been coming to your rescue since

you were in short pants.

Oh, for... Sterling, get your things. We're leaving.

Before this quack's office burns to the ground.

Terling, get your things. We're leaving.

Before this cruddy school burns to the ground.

Terling, get your things.

He's gay.

You were in the army? Oh, who remembers?

Well, try.

I can't remember.

There's a reason they call it blackout drunk. If I don't remember that

I can't un -embezzle that money, and then I'm screwed because I don't have...

Ten million dollars?

That's outrageous. I won't pay it. I don't even want the gay back.

So you just better sharpen your pencil. I don't have...

It's an idiom! Aw, but I love it when Mallory bails you out of one of your

jams. Oh, really? Yeah, because then I get to watch her rub it in your face.

my God. Okay, first of all... First of all... Riley, no!

Don't say it! He's been here voluntarily!

Partying his ass off is King of the Pirates!

Hmm. What? Don't listen to him. I bet that brain aneurysm scrambled his

area, right?

Language center of the brain?

Noah, thank you. No problem.

Actually, not making much progress.

You're kidding.

No.

Three million and not a penny more. And before you see one thin dime, I want to

talk to Sterling.

Cyril? Hey,

Ms. Archer.

Three million in cash?

That should not be a problem. I know it shouldn't be.

And it better not be.

Why would it be? It's not. I just need to move a little money around.

So move it.

Today, please.

Keep looking. Maybe I wrote it down.

Um, Archer sucks.

No. Kill Archer, die.

No. Um.

Trying on my usual passwords.

Hey, way to not give him the power.

Thank you.

Do you hear me? I want proof of life.

Duh. You lying, pathetic little piece of... Lana, no!

Come on, you're gonna kill him! Yep, that's the plan! Hey, hey, knock it off!

Look, Lana, don't get me wrong, I like your spunk. Crazy.

Shut up! But I promised his mother that I would bring him home safely, and I

just assume that includes his spleen.

I think that ship might have sailed. No, not a ship. That was an idiot.

A helicopter.

There's an old Huey down by the dock.

And it just so happens Rip Riley here can fly it. No shit.

Yeah, Rip Riley here can fly anything. You know, as long as it's got fuel.

Well, Rip, why don't we just look around for some fuel in this cell?

I doubt they'd keep it in here. In which we're still locked.

Well, I figure that we kind of work backwards from the stealing of the

helicopter.

Archer burn site now.

Archer portion.

No!

What, are you going to type random words in there the rest of your life? All

five minutes of it. At which point, Ms. Archer will probably walk in here and

dissolve me in a drum of acid, unless you have a better idea.

Date -dependent memory.

So your plan is for us to get as blackout, knee -walking, shit -faced

we were last night in the hopes that we remember the password?

Well, don't hog it all.

Pam!

Ugh, seriously.

I bet that would have killed a lesser man.

There's a lesser man than you?

Uh, yeah. His name's Houdini. Whom I wish you were.

Yeah, because then I could just puke up a key. Because you'd be dead.

Houdini's dead?

You know what?

Yes. Here's what we do. We lure Bucky down here and take him hostage.

And then?

Then we'll see. We'll keep it loose. Oh, for... Just how the hell are we

supposed to lure him down here?

What's that? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my plan working. Hey,

telephone. It's your mother.

My... Wait, please tell me you didn't tell her I was temporarily the pirate

king. No, not yet.

But this is damn good, I... Clearly, are you all right? No, mother. I'm a

captive, a pirate. Oh, and Riley said he no longer finds you attractive because

you're too old.

What? What? You little son of a bitch!

Was that a gunshot?

They got all brave this time. Right!

Now, I kill you!

Ow! Right in the same ear!

Ha! Good!

Serves you right!

I never said that!

You're no spring chicken yourself, you know.

Shit! Lana!

Is Lana hit? Someone talk to me! Mother, I'm a little busy right now.

Noah! What?

Spoon him!

Meet Spoonoo. Meet Spoonoo's in like... Uh,

right. Today, please!

I am incredibly sorry.

Rip? Rip, I take it all back. You're as strong and sexy as the Nightwing. For

shit's sake, Mother.

How short is the list of guys you haven't screwed?

How dare you?

You can just forget about that ransom. For once, you're on your own. For once?

Oh, my God. Columbia?

All I wanted was to mourn the murder of my crazy, hot Russian fiancé by becoming

a pirate king. But I guess that was too much to ask.

So Mother can keep her stupid ransom because...

No, I'm... Well, maybe some psychic scarring, yes, but physically I... Hand

the wounded!

Oh, right, right. Right, of course, of course. Not him. Start with Lana. I'm

fine. Check on Ray. Yeah, he is not looking good. Although neither is Riley.

And neither is your situation.

Because you can forget a ransom. Now you and your friends will die here.

Yeah, speaking of forgetting, couple things. One, these aren't my friends.

Got that right.

I mean, her, yes, kind of, maybe, but there's a lot of weird sexual tension.

But these other three, whatever.

Who cares? I mean, Noah's a slave.

Yeah, about that. Noah, not now.

And two.

But I shoot gun many times. And in all excitement, I lose track myself.

So now you think, did he fire eight shots or only... Four, idiot.

So get your things, we're leaving. Okay, can I just run up to my hovel real

quick and grab the only extant copy of my dissertation?

Noah, still got four bullets.

Oh, God, do you know what extant means?

You know what license to kill means?

I'll write another one.

The world holds its breath.

Ray? Ray, come on, honey, stay with me!

Ray?

Ray?

Ray! Not sure that's helping.

Yeah, well...

I only have two hands.

What I don't have is all day.

There, I finished.

See you, Stan.

How you doing, Riley?

How the hell do you think I'm doing?

Hey, relax, Nick Furious.

Save your strength for flying the chopper. And again, I'm just incredibly

What's your blood type?

How would I know? How would you not? Who am I, Karl Landsteiner, discoverer of

blood groups? You don't know your own blood type, but you know who discovered

them. Yeah, now.

Your exact words, Pam.

Dr. Charles Drew or I will eat a bag of dicks.

Bring him.

And not to diminish the accomplishments of Dr. Charles Drew, but... God damn it,

Archer! Ray needs O positive blood or he's gonna die!

So give him some of yours.

I'm A negative.

Hey, me too. And even if Riley is O positive... No, I'm A negative too.

Eh? Blow it up. He's already a quart low.

So... O... Positive?

Yeah. One of these days, I swear to God, I'm going to burn this place straight

down to the ground.

Oh, my God, yes!

What about this Sunday?

Unless you want people in here, in which case... Who's driving it? Five -O!

Five -O! Cyril! Never mind moving that money.

What money? Oh, really?

You sure? Because all I need to do is just... Re -evaluate your entire life.

yes, I'm sure Sterling can get himself out of this jam for once.

Oh, and don't be here on Sunday, Pam.

Why just me? What's happening Sunday?

Probably my grisly murder, because we still haven't found that password.

Did you try, guess?

No, Pam, I didn't, because I'm not an it... Oh, eat a dick.

Bring it.

Well, how much of my blood does he need?

I don't know. Ten gills? What? U .S. or Imperial? Just keep squeezing that gag

ball that I don't want to know why you have. Uh, no, you do not. You will never

make it through the helicopter.

My men will cut you down like dogs. Thanks, human shield.

Although, where the hell are all your men? Well, are you serious? They're all

the intramural lacrosse finals. The what?

Lana, shut up. That's today?

Yeah, it's right now.

Well, in 10 minutes. Who's playing?

Archer. Uh, the Laxmi Singers? They made it to the final? Uh -huh, versus the

Archers of Loaf Cross. What?

That's my team!

Archer. Lana, I'm team captain.

I built that team from nothing, and now - Archer!

Ray is dying.

Does that mean so much my dream?

Look. I think it's great that for once you're getting out of a jam without your

mother's help, but... Not for once, Lana. Hello, Columbia House. But

earlier when you said you and I were friends? Of course. I mean, I know we

a lot, but God, now that I think about it, you're my only friend.

Uh, wow.

Right? Yes, Archer, because if you do this... Please don't make me choose. I

will never, ever forgive you, and we will never, ever be friends again.

Oh,

shit,

they are.

Oh, look, they're all bunched. Oh.

Oh.

So now, for the rest of your idiot life, I've got that on you.

Wow.

My God.

Just screw already.

Seriously. Then kill each other. And then shut up.

And then kill each other again.

And call me so I can watch you do it.

Sterling, I don't know how you did it, but, well, except for Rip's eye, you got

everyone home in one piece. No thanks to you. Well, it's about time you did

something on your own.

Columbia House Record Club. Archer.

The important thing is that we're home and that we spare Mallory the details of

your time on Pirate Island.

Why? What happened?

Nothing. Well, you know, besides a lot of pretty horrific torture, which,

Mother, if you had seen, would have broken your heart.

But why dwell on that? We're home. And my mourning period for, um... Katya? Is

over. So, hey, it's a happy ending.

Yeah. Yeah, it's just a big old goddamn fairy tale.

Fairy tale?

Uh, phrasing?

Ray, I'm kidding.

Don't be like that.

Ugh, gross.

Keep it moving, cripple. Shut up. Ray.

Ray!

Ray?

Oh, okay, then I guess just pout.

In Georgia.