Original subtitles

Hey, honey. How was mommy and me?

It was great.

We made some new friends today.

Oh, good for you.

Sammy met a little girl named Holly who has a mommy named Andrea who's a doctor.

Oh, that's nice.

And a daddy named... Oh, here we go.

What? Daddy's getting a new best friend, isn't he, Kim?

And why not? The mommies get along, the kids get along.

Why wouldn't I and... Oh, let's just call him a complete stranger.

Want to spend hours and hours together.

What's his name, Kim?

What's my new best friend's name?

Alan.

And we're going to their house for dinner on Saturday night. You know what?

happens all the time, and it's not fair. You get to choose whoever you like, and

I get stuck with who they're married to.

Why don't you ever get roped into stuff like this?

Because I chose a wife who other people find surly and unpleasant.

God, I love her.

Hey, babe. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm trying to figure out what class to take next semester.

Oh, that's easy.

You immediately eliminate any class that meets on Mondays or Fridays.

Okay? That way you got a four -day weekend.

Then if you can, you kill any class that meets before noon.

One semester, every single one of my classes met on Tuesdays between 1 in the

afternoon and 10 at night.

Well, that sounds like a really tough day.

Yeah, I usually just blew it off.

Well, unlike you, I want to make it past my freshman year.

The problem is, all the good classes with all the best professors fill up

fast.

Oh, God, there's going to be a huge line.

Hey, you know what we should do? We should camp out.

What? Camp out. You know, like we used to when we wanted concert tickets.

Remember when we slept out in front of that Waxy Maxis to see Def Leppard?

No.

Me neither.

God, we must have had a great time.

You're going to try to be nice to Alan, right?

Yes, yes, I'm going to be nice.

Well, remember, compliments are conversation starters.

That's nice. Why don't you embroider that on a pillow and then smother me

it?

Alan, they're here, honey.

Hi. Hey, guys.

Andrea, this is my husband, Greg. Hello.

Oh, hey, come on in. Oh, thanks. And Kim, this is my husband, Alan.

Hi, Alan.

Hello. I'm Greg Warner. Nice to meet you.

You too.

Alan, don't you want to pour them some wine?

Yeah.

Andrea, your house is beautiful.

Oh, thank you. You know, decorating is a real passion of mine. I spend a lot of

time on it.

It's a good release from all the stresses of being a doctor.

You want to see the rest of the house?

Oh, I can't wait. Okay.

Well, let the male bonding begin.

Okay.

So,

thanks for having us over.

No problem.

So, Kim tells me that you sell computers.

Yep.

So, personal computers or big mainframes?

Look, if you don't mind, I really don't like talking about work on the weekends.

Hey, I hear that.

That wine is delicious.

Yep.

Dinner smells good, huh?

Yep.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hey, Murph.

Man, how you doing?

I gotta tell you about work, man.

Yeah, I sold 300 machines to the school district.

Biggest sale in company history, and I can't stop telling people.

Hey, man, you gotta let me take you to Pebble Beach.

I've been waiting for the right occasion to play golf there.

Yeah, I got time for it, Joe.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

You crazy?

Hey, look here, man. I got to go.

Something like that.

Sorry, I had to take that. No problem. Sounds like a pretty funny joke.

Yep.

Hey, how was the husband date?

It was not a date.

Oh, somebody didn't get a goodnight kiss.

I got something he can kill.

He's just a little shy.

Yeah, in a world where shy means rude, like France.

Maybe he's playing hard to get.

Well, I gave him everything I had. I was warm. I was charming.

I was job interview Greg, and I'll tell you what he was. He was Mr. Yep all

night long. Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

It's like having dinner with Sling Blade.

Sounds like someone finally got a taste of his own medicine. Oh, what?

Greg. That's exactly how you usually behave.

How many times have we met couples where you wanted nothing to do with the

husband? Yeah, but those guys are like the fat cousins.

What?

You remember when you were young and your mom made you take your fat cousin

didn't have any friends to the movies?

I didn't have any fat cousins. Well, that's exactly what those women are

with their husbands.

Oh, skinny cousins took me to the movies.

Oh, my God. Alan thinks I'm the fat cousin.

Oh, my God. I was the fat cousin.

Tim,

I can't believe this. He thinks I'm some loser husband who doesn't have any

friends. What a jerk.

Well, you only have to be nice to him one more time. Why?

Well, they invited us to their house. We have to reciprocate. Yeah, it's called

etiquette.

these rules.

It's just one more time. Then Andrea and I can be friends and we'll leave you

guys out of it. Well, fine, but don't even expect me to try this time. He

he's going to give me the cold shoulder?

Liquid nitrogen, baby.

All right, next guy who wants to buy is your boyfriend.

Shut up.

There's your boyfriend.

There's your boyfriend. That's stupid.

Shut up.

Yeah, well, next girl who walks by is your girlfriend.

Excuse me.

Sit down.

Stupid.

Hi. Hey.

Hi.

Excuse me, look, we hate to bother you, but we just want to let you know that

the homeless shelter's right around the corner.

I think they're giving out turkey sandwiches.

You know, we're not homeless. We're waiting in line.

What line?

The line to register for classes.

Registration's tomorrow?

Yeah. You'd better get in line.

I should call Katie and Michelle and tell them to get down here.

We'll go around the corner, fix up some turkey sandwiches.

What are you doing?

I'm watching the game.

Well, turn it off. Andrea and Alan are here. I'm not going to turn it off. You

can't turn it off either.

Damn,

forgot about that.

Greg, you don't have to be his best friend. Let's just get through this

and it will all be over with. Fine.

One of my patients called and, well, that's just how it is when you're a

Well, come on in. Welcome to our house.

Okay, Greg.

Do you remember Alice?

Yep.

Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Andrea, it's your turn for the grand

tour. Great.

Come on, it won't take very long. No, I guess not.

Just so you know, I'm not the fat cousin.

What are you talking about? I'm not some loser who gets fixed up with his wife's

friends like somebody's fat cousin. I'm not the fat cousin. I'm the pretty one.

Whatever. Hey, hey, don't whatever me. I'm the whatever guy, okay?

Uh -huh, yep, whatever. That's all mine.

I don't want to be here any more than you do, okay? And don't think that I

know what you're doing.

Because I'm usually the one who gets stuck with the losers.

I'm right, aren't I?

Look, I'm sorry. It's just that I... Hey, hey, hey. Save your apology. I

care. I'm like you, buddy. You don't want to be my friend. I don't want to be

yours. We just need to get through this.

No, I really am sorry. It's just that I've been through this a million times

I always get stuck with the loser.

Well, I've been through it two million times.

You know, why is it that our wives think that just because they make friends

with someone that all of a sudden the husbands have to be friends too? I mean,

got enough... friend. Yeah, well, I've got more than enough friends. In fact, I

was just saying, I might be thinking about cutting back.

Me too, and I don't have time for you. Well, I don't have time for you either.

You know, you all right.

Yeah, you're all right, too. You ought to have seen the last guy I had to spend

the evening with. All night long, he talked about his Jack Russell Terriers.

Man, I had a guy try to teach me yoga.

Oh, Civil War buff.

Ham radio operator.

One guy made his own honey. Made me touch his bees.

I had that guy.

Yeah? I got stoned.

Yeah, me too. Right there.

You know, I was serious when I said I'm full up on friends.

But I can always find room for one more.

Yeah, I guess I could too.

So you want to play Dungeons and Dragons?

I'm just kidding you. Let's watch a game.

Man, I didn't know it was going to be so cold tonight.

Excuse me.

If you're not using that blanket, you mind if we borrow it?

Would you let us cut in front of you?

Are you trying to get into Econ 101 on Mondays and Wednesdays?

No. Give me the damn blanket.

Hey,

look at that.

People got half a bucket of chicken right there.

Excuse me.

Is that original or extra crispy?

Extra crispy.

Well, this was really nice.

Yeah. Oh, and I will have my decorator call you tomorrow.

Now, she's usually very busy, but I'll just tell her it's an emergency.

Great.

Yeah, well, this evening was excruciating for me. Yeah, I feel sorry

next husband you get picked up with. Hey, seriously, it was a lot of fun.

man, we got to do this again.

Definitely.

Too soon for a hug? A little bit. Okay.

Drive safe.

Good night. Good night.

Thank you so much.

What was that for?

I never expected you to make such an effort.

No effort at all.

Well, I really appreciate that you did it for me.

And the good news is you'll never see them again.

What?

That woman is starting to drive me nuts.

She never shuts up.

Criticizing everything about the house.

She said she'd like to see more earth tone.

Here's an idea. Drop dead.

Wait a minute. What about Alan?

What about him? You're off the hook. I don't want to be off the hook. I like

him. What?

I like him. He likes me. We're friends. I told him we'd plan something for next

weekend.

I'm not going.

Oh, yes, you are.

I did it for you. For once I make friends, you're going to have to learn

friends with the wife starting next weekend.

Well, that's not fair.

Kim, your sister and your brother -in -law, who barely graduated from high

school, get to live in the same size house as I do.

Fair went out the window a long time ago.

your roommate again for this really cool watch.

Hey, uh, you're not upset that we moved this far back in line, are you?

No, no. I mean, no one I let in front of us is taking the classes I want.

Besides, you know, I'm going to college to make our lives better.

And all this stuff we've gotten, I think our lives are better already.

Hey, looks like they're opening up.

What are we all doing here?

We're waiting to register for classes.

Huh?

Hey, folks, you guys don't need to be here.

You register online, not in line.

I don't know who told you to wait out here.

been thinking about joining the country club, but we gotta find one that has

golf and tennis.

Andrea plays tennis.

Get out of here. Kim plays tennis. She was the captain of her high school team.

Really?

Yep.

Hey, have you guys been to Hawaii?

No, no, we haven't. Then we should go.

The women can play tennis and the men can play golf. It'll be perfect. Kim, do

you hear that?

It's perfect.

Alan, could you help me bring out the coffee, please?

No problem.

Be right back, y 'all.

What are you doing?

Just having fun with my friend.

I am not going on vacation with her. Well, I don't know, Kim. Sammy loves

Alan and I are friends.

Kim, if I may quote the poster with the dangling kitty above your desk.

Hang in there, baby.

I need another drink.

You owe me this. Look, I am only being nice to her because you asked me to, but

there is no way I am going away on vacation with that prissy little twit.

She's nice.

Oh, please.

She's so sweet and cheerful. She makes me want to throw up.

And all I do, I just try and help her. She's so clueless, she doesn't even

realize how much help she really needs.

Excuse me?

You think I need your help?

Well, I think you need somebody's help.

If my hair was on fire.

Fire is the only thing that's going to help that hair anyway.

Hey, everything all right in here?

No.

Apparently Andrea has a problem with me because I don't listen to all of her

condescending advice and immediately do everything that she says.

Well, I can't help it if you're psychologically unable to confront your

inadequacies. And I should know. I am a doctor. I know.

What, doctor?

I'm going to go home, take two aspirin, and call you a bitch.

I need to go lay down.

Oh, my God, her little voice just goes through my skull.

This could all blow over.

Probably not.

What are we going to do?

We could see each other anyway.

When?

I don't know. Weekends?

Nah, I spend my weekends with my wife and kids.

Yeah.

Me too.

We could talk on the phone.

Nah, that won't be very satisfying.

So what are you trying to say?

I think we both know.

Clean break, huh?

I think it's best.

She's going to set you up with other husbands, isn't she?

Yeah, but it's not going to be the same. It's probably going to be another

loser. Well, that does make me feel better.

And remember, if Kim divorces you or, God forbid, dies,

you've got a friend.

I hear you.

Well, goodbye,

buddy.

Bye, buddy.

I'm so happy we could finally get together to give Greg and David a chance

meet. Yeah.

I chose to freeze.

I don't know what you got.

Until it's gone.

And I find out. And if you can let me in.

I'd be all about you.

Getting used to.

To learn to live with it.

David just asked if you wanted to go lawn bowling on Sunday, do you?

Yeah.

Yeah.