Original subtitles

THE NEW MONSTERS

Nostalgia is in my heart,

the night falls and a smile dies,

memories and dreams, throw them away,

only some lies remain.

The light dims in my room,

thoughts fly away as does hope,

of him who now belongs to me no more,

leaving only a sad goodbye.

Fiorella! You're great!

Fiorella! Holy shit!

You're the best! Work it!

You hear that voice? What extension! What a timbre she has!

Fiorella, you're number one!

No one compares to you! You're a smash!

You hear her? Not even Mina, nor Milva, nor Iva…!

There's no comparison! Just look at her!

Even from a physical standpoint, she's the best.

Her lips for example. And her breasts when she whips them out.

Her ass? No, you can't see it, but God, what an ass she has!

… so many promises thrown away…

She makes me so hard! Drives me insane!

I'd fuck her right on the spot!

Wouldn't you? - Well, why not? - I don't doubt it.

It makes me laugh: That old guy wants to screw her, eh?

I would give him a hand.

Fiorella! You are a force of nature!

Fred, is that coffee ready?

Who is that guy? - Him? The singer's husband.

Fiorella, you're so hot!

Come, let's dance. - No, let me go.

I didn't even notice her. - No, I'm mad at you.

A triumph, eh, Manager? A real triumph. She had three encores.

And some even wanted to screw her. Excuse me, Ma'am.

But I say, enthusiasm should have its limits.

When will we make a new contract?

We've tons of engagements: Magnacavalho, Lugo, Ostilla…

After we'll be so tired. - Ah, you'll be tired?

Of course. We debuted in Rome.

Then we had to record a TV special.

Then we made a nice tour in Venice and Argentina out of season. - Right.

No, I don't know but we can squeeze you in when we return to Formigine.

Ah, ah, you'll see we'll come back. And have as large a crowd as tonight.

And we'll talk then. - Exactly. Talk and sign.

A quick easy phone call and it's as good as done.

What? You haven't hung it up?

What? A photo worth 70,000 lire and you haven't hung it up yet?

Look, I even signed an autograph. Look how well it came out.

You both have come out well.

Thank you, Sir. I'm going to give Fiorella her coffee.

Make way! I'm bringing Mrs Fiorella her coffee!

A triumph, eh? - Well, not really.

What do you know? If you heard the audience!

Some said some daring things.

By the way, how is your throat?

So-so. I can't swallow anything. - Good. This way you'll lose weight.

What matters is the vocal extension, eh?

This is the second time, this has happened. I wonder why?

This is the second time. I wonder why? - I don't know.

Why this problem with the voice? - I don't know.

Cover your throat with your scarf.

Maybe I should rest my voice for a bit.

Are you crazy? You gotta work.

The worse it gets, the more it must be worked because that develops the organ.

This way you avoid atrophy.

Citizens, tomorrow night, at the Trocadero in Capragna,

Fiorella, with her glittering repertoire of Italian and international songs,

easy listening and rock! Everybody be with Fiorella at the Trocadero in Capragna!

These dolls!

Come…

Come on… - No…

But it's good for the throat.

Ah, oui d'amour…

Now that's what I call a singer.

9 million a night? Fucking cow, how she rakes it in!

Adriano! I lost my voice! Adriano! Adriano!

Hello, sweetie, how's your voice? Feeling OK?

I lost my voice. I can't speak.

Wait. What did you say?

I lost my voice. I can't speak.

You lost your voice? You lost your voice?

Don't say such a thing, please, even as a joke!

Open up your throat. Lemme see.

Oh, God, it's inflamed. God, God, how inflamed it is!

Try a DO.

An E flat.

For fuck's sake! Of all the body parts you got, you hafta get your throat sick?

Try an E flat.

Papa, do something!

I'm dusting the dolls.

All done, Doctor? How was the operation? - We didn't operate. - No?

It's nothing. Just a vocal cords polyp. - Thank you, Doctor, I'm glad.

But I advise against the operation. - You mean advise for it?

Against. Her heart's a bit weak due to a slight renal failure.

These small functional disorders must be analyzed.

I'd recommend the operation in a couple of months.

A couple of balls! Are you joking? Who's going to go to Brisighella? You?

And who will I send to Picchio Verde? Your nurse?

And who's going to the Red Inn in Piadena?

Look here a sec. You know who Fiorella is?

The songbird of the Po Valley! Oh! - Probably.

But if you don't take care, the songbird might lose her feathers, am I clear?

But I'll gladly operate in two months. - No! Look, you're operating now!

I'm the husband and I assume all responsibility!

Don't worry, go and operate.

Saint Blaise, watch over the hands of that doctor, who's just a local surgeon.

Watch over her and save her for me. All of her but especially the voice.

Signed photograph. Compliments of the house.

As long as the boats keeps going, let it go.

As long as the boats keeps going, just don't row…

What the…! No! No! No!

It's hoarse! Hoarse! Hoarser than ever!

The voice isn't the same as before! There's no fixing this!

That butcher of a surgeon, I told him not to operate!

What was that butcher thinking?

Don't you see that we risk being lynched in Brisighella?

And in Lugo, what will we tell them? Dio-du-dio, du-dio, du-dio-dio! Dio!

There's no mercy in our business!

If a soccer player breaks his leg and plays like shit,

the public feels bad and applauds all the same.

But a singer without a voice is treated like shit…

I ask pardon from my audience, but I haven't yet recovered from my accident.

And so I'm a little out of voice.

One day the cricket said to the ant…

Look what it says here, "Fiorella to save a child, breaks both her legs!"

The subtitle, "Singer pleads, "No publicity!""

She threw herself under a car to save him!

You go, Fiorella! You saved a child!

Like Giuseppe Garibaldi!

You are the Eroica of Beethoven!

You look hot, Fiorella!

…when love comes, the bell will ring forth!

God bless you. - We salute you.

Until tomorrow, Turridu. - Good day, Don Salvatore.

Dearest Don Salvatore. - I kiss your hands.

We salute you. - Goodbye, my dear.

Don Salvatore!

Your friends salute you!

Did you see them? Were their faces covered? Who shot you?

Why? Was I shot?

Since when?

Even though it's contaminated by the effluvium of the neighboring city,

the air here smells of pure grass.

It's the ignition, your Eminence.

Oh, wild lavender!

A sprig among the white linen.

I still see my mother, preparing the armoires in November.

While my brothers and I were under the giant fig tree,

eating the last of its fruit.

This looks like the fig tree cursed by our Lord.

Maybe the pollution from the city is too nearby.

Very much so. So Gaetano, are things so grave?

I fear so. It's Sunday too, everything is closed.

I could call an ambulance.

Arriving at the inauguration in an ambulance doesn't strike me as dignified.

So what can we do?

Clean it again - Yes, go.

With bad luck comes the good: This slum's parish is nearby.

They'll be glad to receive your Eminence.

It's closed. Let's try over there.

DOWN WITH THE PRIESTS

MORE HOMES, LESS CHURCHES

It's been three months since we had water! - And light!

It's raining in my home! - I have no gas in mine!

Enough! Will you let me speak?

Perhaps it'd be better, your Eminence…

They're laughing at us! Don't you get it?

Order, order!

Order!

One at a time, democratically, eh!

Who has asked to speak?

Let's all go to city hall and sit under Marcus Aurelius(statue)!

City hall isn't responsible.

Then who the fuck is?

They've deliberated - Yeah, they deliberated!

To be more precise, I propose to name… - Go on!

Shut up for a bit! Let me finish!

I propose to name a commission that will be received by the party.

Where? In the parliament? - Where else? The circus?

That's a good one! - I want to speak!

I want to speak! - Mother, there's one in a red dress.

Somebody in red? Who's that?

Hello Father. I mean Monsignor.

I don't know what to call you. Excellence? Eminence?

I really don't know.

The parish committee of St. Mathew.

To what do we owe the honor of this visit?

What is your name, my son?

I am Don Paolo Arnoldi.

Oh, of course.

I've heard of you, friend Paolo.

May I sit among you?

Franco! Get a seat.

Make yourself comfortable, please.

Please.

Who asked to speak?

Come, we hear you. Who wants to speak?

You won't speak? Did he scare you?

Me, scared? They say it's unlivable because it's falling down in ruins!

What do you mean ruins? It's all cement, damn them!

They want to put up a supermarket!

We should occupy it! - An hour later, the police will have you out.

They'll beat us up! - We'll beat them up even harder!

You beat up? You're a cripple!

Shut up, dirty fascist! Come here and I'll wring your neck!

Touch him and I'll break your jaw!

Thank the Lord you're in church!

It's been a year… a year! …that I've been trying to get you to reason!

But seeing as how you can't agree on anything, we'll put it to a vote.

There he goes again! - Forget voting. We must fight!

Won't you vote, your Eminence?

No, I don't think it'd be appropriate.

What does his Eminence care? He washes his hands of it!

You see, your Eminence? These unfortunates have been abandoned by all.

This is a no man's land and that's not the only problem.

You don't want to give your opinion?

Of course. With true shame and profound agony,

I take the stand to speak to you all.

Shame, because I came to your community,

due to a coincidental and everyday mechanical accident and not inspired,

as I should have been, by any religious feeling.

And the pain is real at seeing the total lack of well-being

in which you live out your everyday lives.

A lack in well-being that may turn into violence.

Blind, useless, stupid violence.

I've heard some of you, you in particular, I believe, say,

"Let's go!"

"Let's occupy!"

"Let's attack!"

Goddamn! Who's the bully now!

Yes, yes. I have… No, no! I have practiced violence against you.

Did I, by any chance, change your mind?

Did I convince you? No. No!

I only increased your anger. Isn't that so, friend? Your rage.

Well now? Go, my son.

Let's return, return to your community

which at the moment stands accused… - Son of a bitch.

…of neglecting spiritual virtues in favor of,

perhaps in an excessive manner, social matters,

and the betterment of your material conditions.

But I don't accuse you. No, I don't.

It's true that the saints could raise themselves even among misery.

I recall St. Francis, the beggar of Assisi,

St. Benedict of Norcia and the thousands of heroes of the faith

who stripped themselves of everything, to be happy in poverty.

But they were saints.

We, alas, are not.

We're imperfect.

But how could you not be imperfect?

You who follow a different sort of happiness.

Worldly happiness!

For us, happiness is justice! - Yes, that's it: justice, justice!

What are you doing? Get out!

Begone! Begone!

Justice! Yes, brothers but which justice? What sort of justice I ask you?

The justice of a priest who doesn't feel the duty

of wearing with dignity the holy vestments?

No, the justice of God!

It's not the vestments, your Eminence! - Shut up, let him speak.

Bravo! Jesus said,

"Blessed are those who hunger for justice for they shall be assuaged."

But he also said,

"Blessed are the meek, because meekness shall be turned into riches"

When did he say that? - He said it. Didn't you see Zeffirelli's Jesus? - Yeah.

Let us read the Gospel, beloved children, and remember Christ's words,

"Do not forge a treasure on earth, where thieves loot and pillage."

"Instead forge a treasure in heaven."

What a tongue he has!

They should make him Pope. - Yeah.

Today is a day of celebration. Perhaps not for you, but surely for me,

because I am among you, my beloved sheepfold.

And I want that this house of the Lord,

which isn't a place for meetings and babble,

to be illuminated with light, like palaces on holy days.

Turn on then, all your lights.

Illuminate your souls!

Let there be light! - How beautiful!

It looks like Christmas.

And all together, children, let us listen to the old and much beloved

ringing of the bells for the glory of the Lord!

Yes, very good! Go on, little one!

And let us express through the sound of this old organ,

our feelings of faith, of charity, of hope, of meekness!

And yes, of obedience!

And let us sing together, my flock, to the glory of the Lord.

Tantum ergo, sacramentum…! (Thus so great, the Holy Host…!)

You've hustled them!

Your Eminence, Gaetano is ready. We can leave.

Raise up your voices!

Let them reach up to Saint Peter!

SLOW DOWN, THINK OF US

Yeah, your grandma. Yeah, go to hell.

What a dish.

Wait a moment.

Hi. Very nice of you.

Where are you going? - To Bondano.

What a pity! I'm taking a detour to Ponzelle.

It's quite a ways away, you know. - Couldn't you still?

To Bondano? No, they're waiting for me tonight but…

Get in anyway. You'll gain some ground and then...

And then we'll see. Get in.

That's it. Get comfortable.

I like this, you know? Picking up hitchhikers.

Of course, I mean women.

Because a woman's presence in a car gives it a tone of gaiety. That's it!

It makes driving easier too.

Eh, you girls! How do you do it? To get into a car with the first comer?

You're too trusting! Don't you read the newspaper?

I mean, sexual violence, rapes…

I could see you are a good person - Thank you for the compliment.

But you know, after all, I'm still a man. Eh?

I could even be your dad, for example. How old are you?

I hope this question isn't rude.

I've a daughter about your age.

What did you say your name was?

I didn't.

Piera. - Piera?

That's a good one! Just like my car! Look here: Piera! Piera! Look!

That's the cars name? You gave it a name?

No, let me explain I had a secretary for 12 years.

Truthfully…, she was a bit more than a secretary, eh?

That was nice of you. Was it romantic?

Romantic? What do you think? I'm a sentimentalist above all things!

This necklace is lovely, eh?

It's really lovely. So is this. What is it?

What's this? Folklore, perhaps?

Look here, Miss! Look!

99,979 km!

That means that in 21 km, we'll be celebrating 100,000!

What a car, my girl!

You'll be celebrating by yourself. The intersection is 10 km away.

Sorry, but why hitch a ride then?

Anyone who gets a ride, should be ready to pay a price, you see.

I'm… willing to give you a ride.

But only if there were… a valid reason.

Understand me?

What do you do for a living? Salesman?

Ah, no, no, no. Textiles. Hosiery. I work from home.

I pay particular attention to the ladies.

Because you see, I'm a staunch feminist.

Isn't that what they call a sweatshop? - Madonna, what an ugly expression!

Miss? Sweatshop? What do you mean? I exploit people? Huh?

Don't you know how many people would be on the street if it weren't for me?

The will to work doesn't exist anymore!

That's the truth! Young people don't want to work!

They're only good for playing the guitar and stealing from you and that's all!

I work and many of my friends do.

Very good, young people should work.

Of course, it's better than going into the streets and throwing bombs.

Is that what you think they do?

My child, don't you read the papers?

Haven't you heard of the armed robberies and kidnappings?

The stuff about the armed groups? The NAP? The Red Brigade? The assaults?

Just look at the first page of the papers. Look at it!

What's written here? Here, for example? A jailbreak?

Tell me, I can't see. What does it say?

FAILED ESCAPE OF THREE DETAINEES The three women were retaken and rejailed

"Three detainees escape from the women's jail in Bovone."

There! Even women are escaping from jail nowadays.

One isn't safe anymore. I told you.

Bovone? Bovone is near here.

"The prisoners had a gun with which the youngest seriously wounded a guard."

Go figure! - They are:

Marica Blatapar, 39 years old. Assunta Scandapico, 36 years old.

And Piera Puzzilo, 20 years old. - 20 years old! Go fig…

What did you say? Piera?

Yes, Piera Puzzilo, that's me. - What are you doing, Miss?

Foot on the pedal. Don't stop. As if nothing happened.

What do you mean as if nothing happened? Come on, please!

I warn you, I’m capable of anything to keep from getting caught.

I've fired this and will fire again. Eyes on the road!

Miss, I've money. You can have it. I'll give you all!

I don't want your money. I want you to take me to Bondano. - Fine, fine, I'll take you.

God damn it!

I knew it. I could've bet on it. This stuff only happens to me!

I said it once before. I've always said it!

I've always said that you can't trust young people!

I picked you up because you have a face that inspires trust!

It's not my face you looked at but my tits. That's why you stopped. - Sure, but…

This isn't your first time, you scum! - Not true!

You take the girls who pay you in kind! - Paid in kind, I…

Ah, the police.

Don't say anything and foot on the pedal. - What do you mean?

They're looking for you. Sorry, I'm no accomplice! - Then don't fuck with us!

Can't you see they're after us?

200 meters ahead there's a sidestreet. Turn in there.

Turn in there? What is this a movie? - Do what I say! - OK! OK!

Take a right here. - OK, I get it! - Don't slow down. Move it!

Be reasonable! How can I drive? Look where you've brought me?

Look a this! Look what's here! It's impossible!

You see I'm going to damage the car! - Don't fuck with me!

OK, OK, I won't insist! I get it!

Look at this! What a disaster!

"Drive slow and think of us." - Yeah, I couldn't just leave it there.

Stop here. - What do you want?

Ah, look! - What is it?

100,000, exactly. The fateful moment, eh?

Yes, this is fate. You're right. - Let's celebrate.

No, no, no! All we need is to drink now! - Drink! - No, no, I hardly drink!

Drink! - I can't… - Drink! - Holy Mother!

Can you tell me why you decided to escape today? Why today of all days?

Ask me instead why I was in there.

Fine, why were you in there? - It's written there.

I killed a director of a bank.

Boom-boom! - Oh, God! - "This is a hold up!" Seven shots.

Come on, let's get back on the road. Get moving.

That's it, it won't start.

So now? - So now with all the bumps it took, it's dead!

Open the hood, dummy. - It's not my fault! - Open the hood.

Press that, please.

Where's the hole? Ah, there.

Well? - I don't know where to begin.

Imbecile.

Imbecile!

Don't just stand there, you fucking feminist!

Exploiter of women, go find a rag! Move it!

Who could've ever imagined it was a joke? And now the police!

Please, I'm an upstanding citizen! I was just being nice!

And maybe she would've stolen my merchandise. How do we know?

And besides, no one has the right to make such jokes!

You have a gun license? - Of course! - What's the big deal then?

This is just wonderful: I work! I have a family! - Come, buck up.

I've always payed my taxes! - Get in. Take a seat. Don't worry.

All right, I'm coming.

All this is that bitch's fault!

Hello? Nusco Police Station?

Get me the commander.

Marshal, good day. Sergeant Cerioni from Rome HQ.

Listen. We've received a request for a gun license on behalf of

a businessman, Filippo Pepe, born in Nusco, the 28th of 1945,

living at 51 Via SottoCastello.

Please give us, with all due urgency, any information of the case.

Thank you!

Too much leeway.

Too much leeway was given to you by a pandering press, a timid public opinion,

from political parties too prone to ideological tricks, but never mind that,

leading you to believe, on the one hand, that the State was ready to cave in

and on the other, to be able, easily and smugly on your side, to affirm:

They're all fools anyway.

Well, you weren't very clever.

I read from the report:

Blocking the road, refusal to identify yourselves, insults, insurrection,

possession, both arms and drug possession and drug use.

So the State doesn't abuse its power. The State abides by the law,

which decrees that all of you here are under arrest.

This was my duty to communicate to you. I'm always willing, however,

to listen to whatever you have to say in relation to the preceding.

I'm all ears. Please, go ahead.

Lock them up.

Not him! Leave him here.

Come in.

And close the door.

Who did it?

Excuse me? - The raspberry.

I wouldn't know. - You did it.

Excuse me, Doctor? - You did the raspberry! - No, Sir.

Brigadier Antonio Cercola! - At your command!

You were accepted into a special body by virtue of your tiny height.

Which allowed you to mislead anyone who might have suspected your belonging

to law enforcement. - Exactly, Doctor.

I want to obligate us to hold true the proverb which resounds,

"Lies have short legs." - I don't understand, Sir.

You understand well enough.

You did that raspberry!

I heard you and almost saw it.

I won't tolerate any further denials!

Now I remember. It was me.

But why?

The true extremists didn't, but you did?

I didn't think it was improper. It just slipped out.

The labial vulgarity directed from you to me,

was it the result of a well thought out purpose of yours,

with the goal of a better, sharper penetration into a subversive body?

Or you did do it out of some personal resentment against your superior?

Perhaps a longstanding grudge from Brigadier "Trade Unionist" Cercola!

Answer, Cercola.

It was the first result.

I accept officially your explanation.

But next time, give your momma the raspberry.

Yes, Sir! - Go.

O tempora! You see?

To what temptations, we're forced to expose our best members.

Bye, Jana. Give my excuses to Rene and Chiloni because

tonight, I promised Mama to go to the Princess Altopratti's.

There's a meeting on the Lefebvre Schism.

I don't even know where the house is,

because I never step foot in a place that has no pussy.

Mama said it's in EUR or near a monument. - Aren't you late, Gian Maria?

I absolutely don't know, my dear.

If I can get them to fuck off quickly, I'll see you at the restaurant or Jackie's.

I'll be waiting. - Bye, Jana. - Bye-bye!

See you later.

Thailand Street.

Indonesia Street.

Burma Street.

On the corner of New Zealand.

Oceania Street.

How strange, I go round the world but always end up in the EUR.

Oh, there's the landmark. Thank goodness!

There's a man. I should ask him.

Good evening, my friend, could you do me a favor?

Do you know Cambodia Street?

I must get to the Princess Altopratti.

They told me it was behind somebody's monument, Mussolini's, I think.

Mama told me.

Whoa! But you're messed up, my dear.

What happened? A bomb?

A car ran me over. Help!

"Help", you say, my dear?

What can I do for you? I don't know.

I don't even have my first aid kit. My little first aid box.

It's in the Land Rover. Whenever I go to Africa, I bring it.

It comes in handy, you see.

They fuck you in the ass, your rear, the beasts with the horns.

With a buffalo, you can manage but not a rhino, you're screwed.

Get me out of here!

Where to, my dear? I have a family reunion.

They'll be talking about popes. I couldn't bring you there.

Hospital… - "Hospital", you say?

With pleasure, dear, but I'm not familiar with any hospitals.

I only know a private clinic in Geneva.

I go de temps en temps to shed pounds.

You want to be transported? - Yes… - Yes, I see you're already comfortable.

This is annoying. But I couldn't refuse.

Hey, you must tell me where to go because I'm lost around here.

Your shoe, I suppose. - To St Alphonse Hospital on the Tiber.

Must be that little island emerging from our sandy, grimy, filthy Tiber.

Listen, dear, let's try to be quick

because I need be back in the area for the Princess Altopratti.

The old hag must be screaming by now.

My God! It's not that I care about this dinner reunion among half-blood relatives,

or the collateral branches, but we are of the ancient Black Nobility.

It'll be an open discussion about the Lefebvre schism.

You know this priest, this brother, this Lefebvre, this transalpine Monsignor,

who comes here with his heresies? What do I know?

Maybe, he's acting in good faith.

Goddamn it, man, a priest who goes against the Holy Father,

what's the big deal? And why is he coming to bust our balls?

The Latin Mass is, without doubt, majestic,

but Latin or not, it's the same for whomever listens to the mass.

Sunday mass… it's just an excuse to get a drink.

Friends meet at noon for a drink.

It's all about the evening orgy planned for the night, that's all.

The hospital…

Yes, dear. Are you happy now? I am. We're here.

Good evening, my good friends!

I've transported a messed up guy who needs care. Will you see to him, please?

We're all full, Sir. There's no room.

A bus full of Dutch tourists went off the road.

Whoa! Off the road, you say? Then you could put this man with them.

With the tourists. He can't speak, he could be a foreigner. Who would know?

I told you it's not about that. The hospital is full. There's no room.

I understand, dear but I found this messed up guy by the Mussolini monument.

He asked me to bring him to the hospital. I brought him, now what should I do?

Listen to me, don't waste your time. Take him to another hospital.

There's a clinic over the bridge, 5 minutes from here.

And do I have to bring him?

Seeing that you have the means. - I have the means?

Excuse me, but do you take my white Rolls Royce for an ambulance?

I am Gian Maria Catalan Belmonte.

Besides, this gentleman is losing a copious amount of blood.

He dirtied the interior of my Rolls. What do you say to that?

We say what we can. Take him to another hospital!

Mercy, on the other side of the bridge! - OK.

You've assured me. Mercy Hospital, you say?

Thank you, my dears, for the information.

Help…

I hope I find this Mercy Hospital soon.

They're filled with tourists here. Nothing we can do.

They always take the best places, my dear.

I know, it's a mess everywhere today.

Have your pussy at home. Don't put yourself in this chaos.

If you adventure out, you risk some nasty encounters.

Take these globetrotters, who ask for a ride.

You stop and they want to fuck you in the ass. That's serious.

Look, I snort. I've always snorted and never shot up.

They say, "You, don't shoot up?" No!

"Then you're old fashioned!" I am what I am.

I have a drink. I snort and drink.

One cocktail after another. Here, let's have a drop. Help yourself.

Bien glacée in the flask. Help yourself.

You don't drink? A teetotaler.

Of course, it's not like the cocktails my barman makes me.

That dear old barman of Jackie's! They're dynamite!

Look, I use my old Royce because it's good for flirting.

Mama and my asshole friends tell me that it's a piece of junk.

No, it's not a piece of junk, it's a room on wheels.

I pick up my prey, I put her in here,

drive her to a solitary place, in touch with nature,

I lay her down on these soft seats,

and I pounce! Over and over!

Look, if you weren't in such a state and were a lady,

I would've jumped your bones by now.

When I talk about these things, I get very excited that…

Look, just for curiosity's sake, touch it.

Touch it, just to see. Touch it.

Here's the Mercy Hospital.

Yes, Mercy, I think. We're here.

Wait, don't move, eh?

FIRST AID

What is it? - Whoa!

Praised be Jesus and Mary, Mother.

I've a seriously messed up guy in need of aid.

What should I do? Come in with the Rolls? Or leave him to you outside?

No, no, this isn't First Aid. - It's not First Aid? - No.

I read "First Aid" over there, Mother. - Yes, until 11 at night.

Until 11? - 11.

You don't help anyone after 11? - No.

You heard that, my dear? Next time, get run over around 9

or no later than 10. After 11, they help nobody.

Do me this favor, Mother. I am Gian Maria Catalan Belmonte,

devout servant of the pontifical throne.

I must leave him to you because I've an urgent appointment with my family

to discuss the Lefebvre schism.

I know nothing. - I'll do it all, Sister.

I'll put him in your door and you can pull him in tomorrow morning when you open.

No, here there are no exceptions. - No? - Take him to the military hospital there.

Must I take him, Mother?

Praise to Jesus and Mary, may they be always praised.

Did you hear, my dear, how that nun was determined to chase us away?

She was eager to get back to her orgy with the mothers, sisters and nurses.

I would've liked it too, to be honest. I'm partial to orgies.

I can't feel my arm anymore...

I can't feel my leg anymore...

It's the not moving, my dear. It happens.

Also the humidity.

It happened to me too a long time ago, when I was sailing by myself.

Mama would say, "You don't have balls!"

"You're a slob. You don't exist as a man. You're a drunk!"

One day I got so fucking angry and said, "Enough!"

"Look, I'll buy a boat and sail it around the world by myself."

That's how I managed it. I was a solitary sailor.

Day and night, between the sky and sea, the sea and the sky,

among nature, master of the world.

You don't know what it means to be a solitary sailor,

alone in the vastness of the sea, in an absolute state of meditation,

in contact with purest nature.

It's then one realizes… what a moron one is

to go on this journey that isn't worth a fuck.

I could go on, my dear, but you don't seem very interested.

Help… - We're here, dear. There.

Sir? Sir! Yes? Where are you going?

My fine fellow, we're at our wits' ends.

I went to all the hospitals with a messed up guy who's been massacred

by a pirate of the street and who needs first aid.

But is the injured man military?

Military? Let's ask the messed up guy.

Excuse me, are you in the military?

He isn't answering, he must be in shock.

Up to now, we were chatting about this and that.

Why must he be in the military?

Because it's a military hospital. It's for soldiers.

Given the age of the messed up guy, I think at some point he was in the military.

Who hasn't? We've all done it.

If I may, Gian Maria Catalan Belmonte, second lieutenant of the Pinerolo cavalry.

Cazzanighe. - Though, I abandoned my horse in the stalls.

Why would I need to ride?

I was assigned to the secret service by the war minister for my skill in languages.

You seem surprised but I was raised by 5 nurses with 5 different languages.

Five wild whores who initiated me in satanic eroticism.

September 8, 1943, I deserted my uniform because I wanted to pass the lines

to look for mama, who accompanied Her Majesty, the Queen of Italy,

who had fled to Bari, of course.

When I got to the English lines, let's say the enemies,

I talked to the officer and said, "I'm going to look for mama."

What on earth did I say? They showered me with blows!

What a beating they gave me! Then they asked me,

"My dear, tell us why do you want to cross the line?"

"I want to find mama!" Another avalanche of blows!

They hit me!

Evidently, the English couldn't conceive of a grown man going to search for his mama.

Indeed, mamas abandon their children like dogs.

Whence they derive the term "son of a bitch", right?

What should we do with the messed up guy? Take him inside or…?

We only welcome military personnel with passes.

OK, I didn't let him pass in my car just for nothing.

I'm a little late to the Lefebvre schism, you understand.

If I don't show up, I'm fucked.

We can't accept civilians, only men in active service.

Forgive me, don't insist, these are strict orders.

I'm sorry, dear, but now is the time to say goodbye.

I'm sure you understand the inevitable importance of my rendezvous.

You know what I'll do?

I'll lay you out here where I found you, under Mussolini's monument.

On the other hand, my dear, maybe it's better this way.

You could've ended up in the hands of a pissed off surgeon

who was dragged out of his bed during an orgy.

He would have cut you open and sewn you shut, leaving his scalpel inside.

Come, my dear. Know what I think?

You're looking a lot better.

Even your color has returned. Goodbye, my dear and infinite thanks.

You made me aware of places I was utterly ignorant of: hospitals.

I'll split my sides just thinking about it. I'll laugh my head off when I tell Jackie.

Honestly!

A hospital where at 11 o'clock the Mother Superior stops

so she can go back to her orgies.

And another, where two gorillas in white tell you

that the hospital is full of Dutch travelers.

And yet another, where you can't get in unless you've been to war.

Luckily for that messed up guy, I was able to find that Mussolini monument again.

Come, come, Giovannino!

Careful!

What traffic!

What are you doing? Cross the street! Hurry!

Giovaninno, go thank the policeman for being so nice. Thank you!

Mr. Policeman! Mr. Policeman! I want to thank you for…

You again? But you already crossed. Go! Go!

Thank you for breaking! Give me your hand, Mommy.

Did you see? Did you see, Mommy? How ridiculous! Did you see?

How they were got up!

Look, a piece of aluminum foil!

How pretty! How pretty! Get it! Get it, Giovannino!

It's precious, a rare find! - Pretty! Pretty!

Who knows how much it's worth?

Now, I'll fold it carefully.

Now, let's go, Giovannino, we have lots to do.

What nice stairs!

They've nice ones too in Paris. One day, I'll take you there.

I've many friends there: sculptors, musicians, drivers, servants.

That would look nice around your neck. A nice jewel!

A nice jewel in your ears! - But it's too expensive, dear.

Oh, well… let's ask for information.

Sir!

Good day, my mama would like a necklace and two earrings.

Mama is a countess. - Sorry, we're closed.

Oh, what a shame! We'll come by tomorrow.

Come, Giovannino, give me your hand.

Thank you, Sir.

Thank you. Want a little wine? - Not much, it goes to my head.

Let's drink, Mama.

Delicious.

How much is the bill? - 450, Ma'am.

But those are train tickets!

We don't accept train tickets, Ma'am. - Really?

No! Compliments of the house! - Thank you, Sir.

Very kind. Say, "Thank you", Giovannino. - Thanks a lot.

Did you eat well? - Let's go.

See you soon.

Let's hope not!

Give me something. Thank you. Very kind.

Only 50? Stingy!

Giovannino. - Yes? - Help! Help me, brother!

Thank you, brother, thanks!

What's this? - Bottle caps.

I'll shove them up your ass!

Oh, what blows! What terrible blows! - It's just pretend!

But it hurts like the devil!

You're not laughing?

Mommy? Where did my mommy go?

Where did she go? Oh, God, Mommy! Mama!

Where did you go, Mommy? Mamma mia! Mommy!

Mama!

Mommy!

Mama!

Giovannino! I'm over here!

You scared me! Why did you hide?

I laughed so hard, I thought I peed myself.

Now, I won't let you go ever again.

Mommy, you hear that singing bird?

Maybe it's a radio.

But where is it? Where is it?

Ah, there it is. - Giovannino, it wasn't singing.

Hi! - Hello!

Your hand, Mommy. - Come.

Look at that nice bottle cap! Get it!

Yes, how pretty it is!

Look, another one!

I'll get it.

I'll wash it!

Be careful!

Do you know who that is?

A Hungarian baron I met in Paris, under the bridge of Notre Dame.

Say hello.

Why a closed fist? - You know, I'm with the left.

What fine doo-doo!

Get it. - Yes.

What are you doing? Disgusting!

I can't?

Yes, Giovannino, you can. It's not the bad doo-doo, Sir.

Oh, what a nice meatball!

Fantastic!

I'm getting another one.

Let's beat it!

We're rich! Two of them!

Now, let's do something to make us laugh.

You hide behind the wall. Watch this.

I forgot my mommy!

Come, Mommy! Come! Say hello to the sentinel like I did. Do it.

You see how much fun we had! Poor little soldier!

Giovanni! Don't stare at the ladies.

Give me your hand! Your hand! - The ladies are pretty!

Look, today they painted all the cars in yellow!

Come, don't get distracted! Pay attention!

You two again? Didn't you see it was red?

Yes, but mommy wanted to thank you for this morning.

Here's our house. - Yes, Mommy.

You're going to hurt yourself! Watch out!

How dirty! The city never cleans! What about hygiene? What about decency?

The city's a cuckold! - Don't exaggerate. There's no need to insult the city.

Sorry, city!

Hey, I hope I didn't lose the key.

We'll have to change the lock.

Let's go to the laboratory. - Yes, Mommy.

Giovannino, go easy. Don't make a mess.

Ah, the doo-doo!

Beautiful…

Don't give it all the doo-doo or it will get sick.

Poor things! Better to close it.

They're so envious of our geranium.

Hi, my love. - Hi.

Is it ready?

It's all ready.

A little bit more sauce. Spaghetti all'amatriciana? Bravo.

I made it with ham.

I'm so hungry!

Hi, sweetie.

Give papa a little kiss.

In 1957, they'd say, "Go north, the future is in the factory!"

It's Pippo Franco!

Today, they say, "Go south, the future is in the countryside!"

He's so good!

Where is that future which seems always to be in our past?

He's good! Bravo.

Hey, am I wrong?

Did you put in parmigiano instead of pecorino cheese?

We didn't have any pecorino. - Yeah, but amatriciana…

It's not amatriciana without pecorino, no?

Next time, use pecorino.

If all the peasants are making spades at the factory…

You like it?

What will they use in the countryside?

Strong stuff!

It's like we decided to mass produce hair…

Don't get me wrong, it's not bad. But it's not… amatriciana.

…and then people decided to cut off their heads!

Is this where they're looking for hunchbacks?

At stage number 3.

It's not a big part, but full of substance, significance.

One of those parts that strike you, move you.

This'll open doors for you. If you don't take advantage of it, your loss.

You see it's not that.

It's the part. How do I put this?

We think it's a bit dirty. - Dirty?

Nudity is the cleanest thing that exists.

Nudity when there is no vulgarity, is art, harmony. It's freedom!

And why not? Let's use the word, it's money.

But, is it totally nude?

Ma'am, there doesn't exist nude and half-clothed. There's nude and clothed.

If I needed a clothed actress, I wouldn't be offering 3 million for 5 days work.

You told us 4.

OK, 4 days.

No, no. 4 million. I remember it…

3?4? It doesn't matter. I don't worry about such trifles!

All right, if it's for 4 million…

And besides the scene unfolds on a beach. The sea makes everything clean, harmonious.

She must undress like she was taking a bath, completely naked.

Then coming from the distance, a man approaches with a monkey.

A man with a monkey?

Hey, excuse me but this man… how will he be?

He'll be nude. And the monkey too. - Look here…

It's not so much that he's nude. How much… how do I put this … intercourse?

Personally, this makes me… feel a little uncomfortable. You see?

My God, I'm a modern man, without any inhibitions… but…

Maybe there's a mistake. - Probably. - There's no sex with the man.

The sex will be with the monkey.

What? The monkey?

Yes, but let's be perfectly clear: We're not talking King Kong.

A very small monkey.

Well then?

Well… if the monkey is small… well? - Well…

We've seen sex with dogs, with horses.

But we were the first to think of a monkey! - Well done!

What do you think about it, Oriana? - And you?

No, no, you speak first.

After all, it'll only be for 5 days. And then the monkey is little.

Exactly.

Then shall we sign this contract?

Look, Commendatore, I'll do it just to make my wife happy. She really wants this.

No, if you're doing it just for me, let's forget it.

Where must I sign? - Here, next to your husband.

It's done. Intelligent people understand each other right away.

See, Rosalba? This gentleman is going to make you a movie star!

Hi, dear.

But let's be clear, Commendatore, I intend to be present at the filming.

Because I would never send my daughter alone into this sordid movie environment.

Ah, no, no! - Come, my angel. Daddy's sweetheart.

Look at the telephone.

"Call to the kidnappers", take one!

I am here…

before this telephone after two neverending days.

And two neverending nights.

To make an imploring appeal, a plea…

…to the kidnappers. So that they'll let me know their conditions…

…everything I need to do!

I beg you, call me!

My wife… is not in good health.

She needs special, constant care. So, call me, I beg you.

At any hour. I prayed, ordered friends, family, acquaintances not to call me,

so this way the phone will always be free.

So call me, whoever you are…

Listen to this…

…this prayer from a devastated husband…

Give me back my wife!

Goodbye.

Goodbye. - Goodbye.

It's been so long since we went out together, eh, Frankie?

We're together today. Are you happy?

Is this car new, Frankie?

No, I've had it for two years. Ma!

Then it must be two years since we went out together.

Mama, would you like a nice coffee with ice cream?

I would but I wouldn't be able to sleep later.

Remember when I took you to the gardens?

Of course, I remember.

One time you went missing and I cried so much.

Of course, I went missing.

You never stopped chatting with your friends, Ma.

You never paid any attention to me. Sandro, yes, mommy's favorite. Just him.

Look, you were both the same to me. I had no mommy's favorite.

The same, you say? Yeah, the same.

You're always looking at your watch. Is it getting late for you?

No. - Oh, no?

I've devoted this whole day to you. Go on, eat.

So many trees. - Yes.

So many! - That's what I told you. This is a real paradise.

Smell the air.

Better than at home, eh?

What is this? Where are you taking me?

Nowhere. Where am I taking you? To see a lovely place.

It was on the way, so I said, "Might as well take a look."

Seeing is free, eh?

What are we going to see?

What are we going to see? Look!

You never know that one day, you might get tired of home

and there will be this great hotel: Free, calm, independent.

Let's get out.

Get out! Come on, Ma!

Come, take my arm. Let's fly!

Are you happy?

Look, Mama.

Look. Look at this park. What a view! As far as the eye can see!

Where can you find a view like this in the city?

Frankie? - Eh? - I'm fine with you? - Yes?

And with Patrizia? - Of course!

Come, Mama. Look at this palace. I've heard it's wonderful inside.

In an antique style. Let's visit, Mama.

This is the chapel - Ah, a private chapel!

Like in the palaces of the nobles.

What, Mama? You don't salute the Madonna? - If you insist…

This is the infirmary. There are 4 doctors who take turns 24 hours a day.

You see what help they have. - I'm fine.

I know, Mama, but you know the saying, "A doctor in the house…,"

"the uh… the sickness flounces…" I can't remember it all.

No, the single bedrooms are all taken.

That's good, this way you'll have somebody to talk to. Good day!

Good day, Ma'am!

The lady is mute, a nervous condition. - Really? Is that true? Poor thing!

That's fine. Mama is deaf.

I'm deaf?

Just think if you had a chatterbox who never shuts up! You can at least talk now!

To myself? - To yourself.

Just like home. It'll be the same.

Is this the bathroom? - No, the closet.

The bathroom is in the hall. It's shared.

Good! At least you can walk! Always in a car, you never get to move!

Exercise is health. Look at us, we're 50 and already rusty!

Am I right, Sister? Come, Mama.

You like that? What? You're singing? Mama knows it too.

Well done. A lovely voice, eh?

This is the games room, the dining room and the television.

A TV too? Is it color? - No. - Good, it's bad on the eyes.

The 2nd channel hasn't worked for a month.

Well, when one falls asleep with the first, then it's goodbye, the second!

There's the kitchen.

What a smell! They told me the kitchen here was great.

What's today's special? - Broth and cheese.

The lady is quite sharp, eh? - Too much so.

Excuse me, Sister.

Maybe it's just a rumor, I don't believe it but…

Is it true that they get beaten? Or hit? - Are you serious? Us?

No? - No, never!

But sometimes if they throw a tantrum, we give them a little tap like this.

No, don't. Easy with those mitts.

She's already getting used to it!

Very good. What are you talking about?

She wanted a phone token because Sister Liberata won't let her make phone calls.

And you believed her? She's just kidding.

She's pulling your leg. Just ask Sister Liberata. Watch.

Sister Liberata, may I make a phone call? - Of course. Help yourself.

See? You just have to ask. Wait for me here. I'll be right back. Don't move, eh?

Here. - Thank you, Sister.

Hello? Hello, Patrizia.

Want some? Please. - No. Thanks, Sister.

It's the sister. Yes, we're here. How is she?

How is she? How is she?

Patrizia…

They hit them!

Listen, Patri', I almost felt like taking her ho…

Doctor! Doctor!

Sorry, Sister.

Mama?

My Mama? - I lost her a year ago. - Yes.

Just look at her over there! Dammit…

Mama! Mama!

You're here? Why did you leave? I told you not to move!

Frankie, why did you bring me here today? - Where? - To a nursing home.

A nursing home? - Eh?

There you go, Mama! You really good at pissing me off!

A nursing home? Is that a nursing home? - Frankie, don't get mad.

Yeah, don't get mad! Look, Mama, we're doing this for you!

For your health, your future. Looked after! Waited on!

No worrying about expenses! Do you think they do this for free?

Alright, fine but don't get upset. It hurts your mama.

Why do you always get upset?

Who's upset? I'm laughing. You laugh too, Mama!

We're three little pigs, we're three brothers,

and no one will separate us!

You remember, Mama? - I do, I do. When do you want to bring me here?

Eh? When will we bring you?

You know, unfortunately, on Thursday, Patrizia and I must go to Cetona.

You know the Cruscittis have a country home and… - The Cruscittis are nice.

No, they're not nice. I don't even know why we go there.

You know, Patrizia took a month's vacation and the maid left for Abyssinia…

There'll be nobody. What'll you do? Be all alone?

What I always do. I've done it many times. - OK.

Sure but we're all worried about you! You're no longer a girl, Mama!

I'm your son and have responsibilities. Not like the favorite who doesn't care!

No, I treated you both the same.

Yeah, as you say. "Both the same". I don't think so.

Then you're bringing me Thursday? - Thursday, you say? As you wish.

But what are we doing? We go, we come, forwards, backwards!

Now that we're here, Ma, eh?

But I didn't bring anything. I don't have a thing.

No! No! No! You have everything! You have everything, Mama. Look!

Look what Patrizia prepared for you!

Look at that suitcase! She said, "In case, Mama decides to stay."

She did all, like a daughter!

You always underestimated her. Treated her like a stranger, Ma!

I love Patrizia.

It's she who loves you more than a mama, more than Mutti, her German mother.

Sister, we're here! Mama is staying!

When will you come to see me? - Always, Mama! - Everyday?

Holy Mother, not everyday! Right, Sister, not everyday?

Only on Sundays. - Sundays, Mama. - Oh, good. Tomorrow is Sunday.

Tomorrow is almost today. What are you saying?

That's too short. But next Sunday, you'll have so much to tell me, Mama!

Here, Sister, this is Mama's suitcase.

And this is a check for three months in advance as agreed and a gift for you.

Bye, Mama! - Bye, Frankie. - Bye, Mommy!

Damn, how lucky you are. I wish I could stay with you. - Bye.

But I must get back to Rome, Mama!

Bye! - Bye! - Bye, sweetie.

Tell Patrizia I said hello. - Of course! Bye!

The children too! - The children too. Everyone, Mama!

I'll call you. - Call whenever you want! Just ask Sister Liberata. Right, Sister?

Yes…

Goodbye, Frankie.

What do you mean "goodbye"? Mama! Why "goodbye"?

Treat her like a queen!

The bill please!

So we have two pastas, one soup,

two roast lambs, a meatball, half a bottle of wine…

Good night. - Good night, Architect.

A table for eight? - For you, always. We'll put these together.

I come all the time. It's simple but genuine.

You'll eat well, dear. You'll find here old flavors which have been forgotten.

It's like the inns back home. - It's wonderful. I like it!

I came with my friend, Indro Montanelli, the last time he was in Rome.

With Indro? - Yes, he's writing an article.

With that pen of his, he can write whatever he wants.

I'll be in New York next week for two days.

You like my little dog, Councilor? - 8000 a head, OK? Thanks.

I'll take your order, Architect. What can we get you tonight?

We'll start with eight "disgusting" soups. - 8 "disgusting" specials!

And the house wine. - What's "disgusting" soup?

A quite sophisticated, yet delicate minestrone.

Move it!

Go sell your ass. Go sell your ass! Go sell your ass.

I'll squash you like a flea!

Go sell your ass.

Here's some octopus for you. - Don't spoil the goods!

So, you keep insisting!

I'll show you! I'll crush your balls and make you swallow them!

You lost your hairpiece!

I'll flatten you without it!

Asshole! Pathetic asshole!

Ah, the eggs!

I'll hang you from your father's horns and bury you…

…in a field of beans, so you can sprout, you son of a bitch!

I'll make you like the Hunchback of Notre Dame!

I'll piss on your head! You'll see that…

My foot! Asshole!

Help! Help!

What happened? - I don't know.

They're pounding! They pound for the herbs just like my mother used to.

I'll strangle you!

Even the sausages!

I'll make you spit out your tonsils!

I'll rip out your tongue! Idiot!

Go sell your ass!

I'll empty out your guts!

And I'll give you one of these, so go sell your ass!

One finger in your mouth, the other in your ass! I'll wear you like a muff!

Oh, yeah? Know what I think of your muff? Go sell your ass!

Peace?

Peace.

The turkey! They're killing it right now. Here they make everything fresh.

I'll break your neck, you know! Give up? Give up, eh?

Get under the tap!

Get under the tap! - How it burns!

No whining! You asked for it!

I'll teach you how to live with a guy like me!

If I get angry, I can burst the eyes of 10 guys: one per finger!

I can't see! I tell you, I can't see!

It's true, I can't see!

Dry off with this sponge. - Thanks.

What's this? Tripe? Go sell your ass!

You're starting again?

Nasty!

Go fuck yourself!

Asshole!

Go sell your ass!

Moron!

Look what you did.

At least put your wig back on.

Oh, God, that's right, my wig!

Where is it? - It was in the octopus.

Damn it! - Where's the octopus?

What did they order?

8 "disgusting" soups.

No, that's nasty.

Get out of there.

What's this?

You're disgusting. Dirty and mean.

Ah, so I'm mean, eh? - Yes.

You're mean. - No, you're the one who doesn't love me.

I don't love you?

If only you loved me like I loved you. Go sell your ass…

What? I don't love you?

Tell him: who loves more, me or him?

Go fuck yourselves, both of you!

The customers are waiting. - One moment, the sauce.

Put it on better than that, dammit!

And? - What?

You're leaving me like that?

Here it is!

At last! I'm as hungry as a wolf! - It's exquisite!

I ordered mine without cheese.

Yours without cheese. - It's good! I'll be coming back.

It's bit expensive but worth it. - What's this?

Don't ask a chef his secrets. - Exquisite!

They don't have restaurants like this in the US! - They even put in a grape.

What do we have for the second course? - Burnt finger,

dragged octopus, tripe strips, broiled shoes, strangled sausages,

Watch out, a fly. How did it get there?

Dirty spinach, meatballs with husband sauce, porksty beans, cod, rotten style.

We got everything! Want us to mix it up? You got it! Don't you trust me?

Will you wait for me? - No.

You can bring the bag to the pool. - Thank you.

Good morning, Captain. - Good morning.

I love you…

Do you speak Italian?

French?

English?

But you, where are you from?

Wait.

You… where?

Announcing the departure of the flight to Amsterdam.

Go to gate 4, Alitalia, flight 370.

Attention, all passengers waiting for flight

TVA 940 to Athens and Tel Aviv,

please, go to gate 13.

Bye.

Rome: a KYZ airplane exploded immediately after

taking off from Fumicio, causing the death

of all 86 passengers and the entire flight crew.

The current explanation is that it was a political attack.

In the plane traveled the Prime Minister Yaser Kaskanian,

who was heading to Geneva for a conference

with the heads of state of third world countries.

An explosive must have been hidden in a music player.

His bowler hat.

A small bowler hat and a great comic.

His inseparable companion. His standard in a thousand battles,

led and won on the stage.

All of us and with us symbolically, the great public,

are gathered here together to lament the passing of a colleague and master!

He who so generously brought laughter to an entire generation!

Formichella!

Goodbye, Formichella.

For thirty years, I worked as his sidekick in amazing farces.

I would start it and you would finish it.

I would ask you a ton of questions and you…

with a single line… But what am I saying?

With just a look, you'd raise oceans of laughter!

Oceans! Oceans! - Yes.

And now you're no more. You can't.

But your repertoire, which mirrored the soul of Rome,

will live on in theater history.

We'll always remember you, Formichella,

in your restaurant sketch,

when I, like an idiot, asked,

"Waiter, what's for dessert?"

You immediately responded with, "I don't know, go look in the kitchen!"

What? You're laughing?

We'll always remember you, Formichella.

When accompanied by a guitar you sang,

I dream always of your kisses.

Your lying kisses.

Your biting kisses.

Damn, you're a vampire!

I'll also remember your sketch of the amorous phone call.

When I'd say on the phone, "Hello? Hello? Who's calling?"

"Hello? Who is it?"

And you would answer, "My dick!"

The tics? The song about the tics.

"The Three Tics"! Do it!

I have three nervous ticks and I also have a stutter.

When I sing, you can't hear it but when I speak, you can.

This first tic is a blink. The second is a whistle.

The third is a grimace. All three torment me!

A dear friend of mine from Cu… from Cu… from Cu… from Cuneo,

recommended me to an RAI director for the job of

an ann… an ann… an ann…an announcer!

I went there and got in… in… in…in line!

When my turn came, I said to the director, "This… this… this… this is for you!"

They threw me out!

Delirium! Fever! Frenzy! Lights! Color! Fantasy!

Oh, love, so pretty in Paree!

Oh, the follies at night in Paree!

But if you come to visit me, with a little bit of fantasy,

I'll make you in love be with Italy! Italy! Italy!

Yes, I'm made like that, you see! I want to enjoy the charms of Italy!

Me? I live in Paree, but I prefer to live in Italy!

Yes, I'm made like that, you see! I want to enjoy the charms of Italy!

Me? I live in Paree, but I prefer to live in Italy!

Yes, I'm made like that, you see! I want to enjoy the charms of Italy!

Me? I live in Paree, but I prefer to live in Italy!

I'll make you in love be with Italy! Italy! Italy!

Make you in love with Italy!

Encore! Encore! Bravo! Encore!

But if you come to visit me, with a little bit of fantasy,

I'll make you in love be with Italy! Italy! Italy!

Yes, I'm made like that, you see! I want to enjoy the charms of Italy!

Me? I live in Paree, but I prefer to live in Italy!

Yes, I'm made like that, you see! I want to enjoy the charms of Italy!

Me? I live in Paree, but I prefer to live in Italy!

Not me! Him! Him!

Italy, Italy, Italy!

Make you in love with Italy!

Bravo! Bravo!

THE SONGBIRD OF THE PO VALLEY (Scola)

YOUR FRIENDS SALUTE YOU (Risi)

THEREFORE SO GREAT (Risi)

HITCHHIKING (Monicelli)

THE SUSPECT (Scola)

FIRST AID (Monicelli)

MOMMY AND MOMMY'S BOY (Risi)

AN EXEMPLARY CITIZEN (Scola)

PORNO DIVA (Risi)

THE KIDNAPPING OF A LOVED ONE (Scola)

LIKE A QUEEN (Scola)

HOSTARIA! (Scola) (A pun meaning both bistro and darn!)

WITHOUT WORDS (Risi)

THE FUNERAL EULOGY (Scola)

English subs, revised and expanded by sineintegral