Original subtitles

(FILM REEL TICKING)

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

In the spring of 1956, Archangel Films,

a landmark studio located in Culver City, California,

produced a science fiction movie of such immense scope,

it was said it would eclipse anything

yet seen on the silver screen.

Mr. Archibald Angel, Chairman of the studio held

a private screening of this film

for a select group of shareholders.

Reportedly, the movie earned its title

when the VIP's screamed out, "Unbelievable,"

on several occasions during the first reel.

It was then that Mr. Angel allegedly

went berserk trying to set fire to the film.

In the early morning hours of April 13th, 1956,

the entire studio burned to the ground and those

who had seen the movie tragically perished in the flames.

Incredibly, one of the only items

to survive the fire was the film itself.

Inside one of the metal canisters

was a note Mr. Angel wrote to his wife,

making her promise not to show anyone

the movie until quote,

"It decomposes into a mass of gelatinous goo."

After she recently passed away,

film preservationists were astounded

to discover this cinematic treasure

at a garage sale in Bel Air.

Purchased for the sum of $3,

it has been restored to its original luster

and it's now ready to be presented to the world.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Produced before computerized special effects,

and bloated production budgets,

it is a true reflection of Hollywood during its Golden Age.

You will be among the first to see this movie.

Lost for more than 50 years,

it is my distinct pleasure to present

the world premier of, "Unbelievable!!!!!"

("DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY")

If you stare at it for another five hours,

I'm sure they'll call.

The studio's not interested.

How could they treat us like this after all we did?

We don't appeal to their demographic.

Live long and prosper my ass.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I say let's wake this town up.

How do you plan to do that?

With this.

A lousy script?

What's it about?

It's like "Airplane!" only funnier,

or "Spaceballs" but ballsier.

But who's gonna produce it?

- Us? - Come on.

We know a lot of people.

Most everyone I know is either here or at Forest Lawn.

(HAND THUDS)

I'll tell you who we need.

We need Kirk.

Kirk, are you kidding?

Is he still alive?

Better than alive.

He's immortal.

What the hell?

Don't tell me he sold his soul to the Weinstein's?

Nope, rumor has it he went

to the best plastic surgeon in town.

He's been vacuu-formed.

Get him on the phone.

(UPBEAT MUSIC) (PHONE RINGING)

Yeah, this is Kirk.

Who's this?

Oh, yes.

Always glad to hear from the little people.

What's that?

You want me to do your film?

Well, my normal day rate's six figures.

Scale (LAUGHS)?

No.

No.

Listen, when they find a cure for Alzheimer's, call me.

Daddy, we want a role.

- Yes. - Please.

- Yeah? - Oh, I want a role.

- Okay, If you want me, - Please.

you have to give all my girls roles in the film.

Oh, yay!

(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)

And my pony gets some face time, too.

You know how I love horses (CHUCKLES).

Okay.

Okay, we got a deal.

- Good, good. - Thank you!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (DOG WHINING)

(AIR HISSING)

(ENGINE STALLING)

(ENGINE RUMBLING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(DOOR WHIRRING)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

ANNOUNCER: Two games left.

(BALL BOUNCING) (JACK GRUNTING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Do you have to strut around like that?

I've been stranded here

for six months with no hairdresser,

no manicures, no masseuse.

The least I can do is keep my tan from fading.

Well, I'm not sure my fiance would approve.

(SCOFFS) Please.

You're as bad as that fruity husband of mine.

The only time I get a rise out of you

is when you want a beer.

Well, I could use a cold one right about now.

Dream on, Jack.

I drank the last of it three weeks ago.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Are you expecting someone?

Must be a Jehovah's Witness.

Tell 'em to hit the road.

(CHERYL GASPS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (CHERYL PANTING)

What's with you?

It was...

I saw a...

It looked like a bush!

(CHERYL GASPS)

Well, get a bikini wax.

No, it's scraggly and green.

Well, that's a little more information than I need.

And your personal problems should

be shared between you and your husband.

You hear me?

Cheryl?

(LEAVES RUSTLING) (ELECTRICITY WHIZZING)

Cheryl?

Oh my God!

It's all over her body.

She must've caught some extraterrestrial STD.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, holy herpes!

I've got it, too.

Why in the hell did I wash her panties with mine?

Oh no!

It's spreading!

Oh!

Hi, Miss Hastings?

Yeah?

I'm Private Durwood, radio operator 171,

reporting for A.S.S duty.

Contact Lunar Base.

Yes, Ma'am.

(ELECTRICITY WHIRRING)

Lunar Base, this is Mission Control in Houston.

Do you read Lunar Base?

Do you read me Lunar Base?

Do you read?

Over.

They still can't read?

Yeah, why can't we train them to be more polite?

What do you think?

I guess I don't think.

And that's why we hired you, Dillwood.

It's Durwood.

Yeah, whatever.

Okay.

Sorry.

Should I just keep contacting them?

MISS HASTINGS: Just keep contacting the Lunar Base.

Oh!

It's my first day (SCOFFS).

Aunt Jemima (SIGHS).

Oh, smiley face emoticon.

Mrs. Butterworth (MOANS)!

Tatty Tayle here, reporting

from Captain Kirk Stillwood's ready room.

It's been quiet here for the past few hours.

The Space Agency's always been open with the press,

but with this launch, A.S.S. has become incredibly tight.

Hey, put a sock in it.

Some of us are trying to sleep.

Sorry.

Let's see what happens next.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Amber, where did you come from?

Well, I came from the launch site

if that's what you're asking.

Hello?

Aren't you forgetting to mention

the 800 pound doughnut in the room?

THE GARDENER OF FRICKIN' FOREVER: Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, pally, okay?

I'm not a doughnut.

I am The Gardener of Frickin' Forever.

You jacked that thing like 50 years ago.

Oh, stealing an artifact from another world

is against the prime derivative.

I'd rather hollow out my eyes with a rusty corkscrew

than violate that sacred law.

THE GARDENER OF FRICKIN' FOREVER: This putz,

this narcissistic putz!

It'll take him frickin' forever

to admit he's a full on kleptomaniac.

Where did you get those cribbles?

- Oh, that's Nay Nay - I'm Nay Nay.

and that's Tay Tay,

- space groupies. - I'm Tay Tay.

They mean nothing to me.

(TAY TAY CHITTERING) (NAY NAY CHITTERING)

Hey, you two shut it.

- Boy! - Stop makin' a scene.

- Quiet! - Boogie my block.

We're ready for launch.

Just, please try to make everything look

as routine as possible, okay?

You must think I'm one hell of an actor, huh?

In your wettest of dreams, Kirk.

You know, if something goes wrong up there,

this'll be the end of the program.

Well, I thought we had 80 more minutes...

Oh, that program.

Oh.

Before you leave, somebody wants to debrief you.

Oh Amber, I've told you 1,000 times, I'm straight.

Why won't anyone believe me?

So, I like sweaty puppets on steroids.

Does that make me weird?

You can come in now.

THE GARDENER OF FRICKIN' FOREVER: I can be

a gateway to your own past.

All you gotta do is say the word and I'll be your gateway.

Now, many such journeys are possible.

Just enter and allow me to show you

The Gardener of Frickin' Forever, to show you...

(HORN TOOTING)

Damn it!

I didn't have time to finish the shpeel.

To all inferior creatures,

I bring great tidings of joy.

His Holiest of Holies will be amongst you in seconds.

This is interesting.

Maybe we can get some real news for a change.

(ALARM WAILING) (PENSIVE MUSIC)

(HIP HOP MUSIC) (AIR WHOOSHING)

(MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHS)

Greetings.

Shizzle my nizzle.

Before you stands the most righteous,

the most spectacular Major LeGrande Bushe,

here for you to obey, honor,

bow down, to kneel before, you lame ass humans.

You may proceed.

NAY NAY: Oh, Tay Tay.

TAY TAY: LeGrande Bushe!

- Oh (LAUGHS)! - Well, hello ladies.

Climb onboard the good ship, Bushe,

- for a ride like - Oh, Nay Nay!

you've never known.

(TAY TAY LAUGHS)

Hey, find your own women, pal.

So you're Tay Tay, (TAY TAY BABBLING)

and you're Nay Nay, (NAY NAY BABBLING)

or are you Nay Nay and you Tay Tay?

Gets a bit confused since you're so luscious, both of you.

You'll be sorry.

Why is that my man?

'Cause their sister for Va-Jay Jay

was the only one born female.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Oh, now who?

That would be my most awesome military aid.

I present, Captain Buttock Snortz.

(EERIE MUSIC)

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: I am Buttock,

Captain of the spaceship, Facetious,

from the First Federation of the second nation,

to the third conglomeration.

You are obviously primitive creatures

who have no reason to live.

Yet, the great and powerful Bushe

has graced you with his presence.

Honor this opportunity

or you shall certainly perish in everlasting torment.

I never forget a face.

Didn't you destroy the Star Ship Constipation?

BUTTOCK: Silence!

(BUTTOCK SNEEZES)

Whoa.

Excuse you.

BUTTOCK: Refrain from speaking

when the great and powerful Bushe is addressing you.

Thank you, Captain Snortz.

Yo Pups, the Lunar Base has been

on the down low for the past two weeks.

Nobody knows squat about our homies up there.

We don't know why they took a powder,

but this Star Trekker voice,

it's gotta look completely routine.

There's nothing routine about our routine...

BUTTOCK: Shut your hole.

(BUTTOCK SNEEZES)

TAY TAY: Oh hell no (chittering)!

Can I get a PA to bring me a towel please?

Is that really necessary?

- Oh! - Nasty.

KIRK: Just who do you think you are?

Well, lil homie, I'm really an alien

here to take over the world.

So, how did you get here on our planet, the Earth?

Well, we arrived in a 5,000 mile long mothership fool.

It's double parked on the backside of the Moon.

(KIRK CHUCKLES)

That's very funny, Major.

If this alien thing doesn't work out for you,

you've always got a future in stand-up.

BUTTOCK: Insolence!

(BUTTOCK SNEEZES) (CRIBBLES CHITTERING)

Damn it, Bones.

I'm a captain, not an exorcist.

(BUTTOCK LAUGHS)

BUTTOCK: That's just another demonstration

of our superiority.

Well, it's been fun, but we have to get going.

(EERIE MUSIC)

These stupid ass humans.

Soon I will take over the planet

with my army of plants (LAUGHS).

(BUTTOCK LAUGHS)

Damn, you got some big teeth, Captain Snortz.

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: I'm big all over, Major.

(MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHS) (CAPTAIN SNORTZ LAUGHS)

Yeah.

(CAPTAIN SNORTZ LAUGHS) (EERIE MUSIC)

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: Let's roll a blunt.

This is the launchman.

Launch T-minus four hours, 22 minutes and counting.

Clear the launch area immediately.

All authorized personnel are requested

to leave the launch site.

All unauthorized personnel

can do whatever the hell they want.

(HIP HOP MUSIC) (PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Yeah, we'll accept the charges.

(AIR HISSING)

Yeah, she's right here.

It's Amber Earhardt for you.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

(MISS HASTINGS SNIFFS)

Ah!

(AIR HISSING)

Hey, Amber girl.

Did you get any last night?

Let's not go there.

Hey, what's the deal with that Bushe?

Oh, Bushe.

I thought you said you didn't wanna go there.

No, I meant the Major who briefed us.

He looked like he was growing out of his clothes

like some sort of a weed.

What the hell?

I'll contact the personnel director and see what she knows.

Keep the press canned though and everything will be a-okay.

Okay.

Is there trouble?

What do you think?

I don't think.

And that's why you make the big bucks, Dagwood.

It's Durwood.

Yeah, close enough.

(TONGUE LAPPING)

Joe Durwood!

Durwood.

(MISS HASTINGS LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC) (AIR HISSING)

LAUNCHMAN: Clear the launch area immediately.

Clear the launch area immediately.

(CONNIE SIGHS) (GENTLE MUSIC)

(TOY SQUEAKS)

(SEATBELTS CLINKING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Oo, we have leaks in five primary systems.

Our fuel line is ruptured and we have loss

of power in our life support batteries.

Can you override?

(FIST THUDS) (ELECTRONICS WHIRRING)

It's a go!

What time is it?

27 minutes to launch.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

How much longer?

Mm, just under 10 minutes.

(SWEAT SPLASHING)

Why are you so nervous?

'Cause I built this piece of crap (GROANS)!

(AIR WHOOSHING)

(CHARLIE GRUNTING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

This isn't givin' me a lot of confidence.

I'm surprised you have any at all.

Oh, I can't stand this.

What time is it?

(KIRK SNORING)

(NOTIFICATION BEEPING)

(CHARLIE GROANING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

We leave in two minutes.

Let me now acquaint you with

the various safety features aboard our craft.

We have life vests under your seats

and inflatable rafts over both coat racks.

We're down to one minute, T-minus 60 seconds.

Yeah, lemme get a large pepperoni and onion, light cheese.

Everything is a go.

T-minus 40 seconds.

Yeah, my number?

Yeah, it's 987-654-3210.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

No, not yet!

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

Oh.

Oh, damn.

Oh, I'm so blamin' this on someone else.

Yeah, no, I'm gonna pick that up.

Yeah, no, no, I'm comin' now.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

(RECEIVER CLATTERING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

(ROCKET WHOOSHING)

Whoa!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Warp speed.

(SHIP BEEPING)

(CHARLIE GROANING)

Don't flush till we're over the ocean.

(UPBEAT MUSIC) (SHIP BEEPING)

Good thing I changed my underwear.

(PHONE RINGING)

What's wrong?

Well, for starters I'm being chased

around the block house by an alien.

Oh, don't jump to conclusions.

Are you sure

- it's an alien, Amber? - Go away!

Well, it's ugly and it's disgusting and green.

Ew, it's roots are outrunning me.

Don't panic.

We've gotta keep a lid on this.

Now if the press finds out we have

an alien running around the block house,

we'll never get another dime.

Oh!

But, but...

Yeah, yeah, don't worry.

- Stop it! - Don't worry,

- Stop it! - I'll get back to you.

Aliens?

(MISS HASTINGS CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

What do you think?

I don't think.

And therefore you don't exist, Deadwood.

- It's Durwood. - Get back down there.

Okay.

Oo.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (SHIP WHIRRING)

Ah, we've slipped the surly bonds of Earth.

There goes the big, blue marble.

What the what?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

There's a potted plant out there.

What?

Oh, there's a potted plant out there.

Nope.

You're hallucinating as usual.

Why is he always trying to scare me?

I will pop a cap in your wood ass.

(PENSIVE MUSIC) (SHIP BEEPING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (KIRK SCREAMS)

Whoa, it's the flamin', coitus.

Don't even think about it, hickory nut.

Oh!

But, but.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

(PENSIVE MUSIC) (SHIP WHIRRING)

Boris, this is Natasha.

I am activating my 3D holographic display.

Come in.

This is Boris coming in.

Report, comrade.

I have successfully penetrated Americana airspace.

No challenge, no resistance.

It would be futile.

Panama, come in.

State your current location.

Wait, comrade, I'm receiving another transmission.

I'll see what they want.

(TRANSMITTER BEEPS)

Mm.

Panama, come in.

Please state your current location, over.

Over the Cape.

What do you see down there?

Over.

It's unbelievable.

Cars abandoned in the road.

There's no sign of life.

Lights in the tower are on

but I don't see anyone down there.

Just a lotta plants.

Over.

ROGER: Plants?

- Over. - Yeah, Roger, plants.

(MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHS) (CAPTAIN SNORTZ LAUGHS)

Please return to base, over.

Roger, Roger.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Boris, the Americana's are fleeing their homeland.

They must have received word of our impending invasion.

Excellent news, Natasha.

I'll inform Placidium.

You will receive order of landing for your bravery.

NATASHA: Returning to base.

(UPBEAT MUSIC) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Good evening and welcome

to another edition of "One on One."

I'm your host, Laura Luzair.

Tonight, we have with us Dr. Samantha Stamen, Head Botanist

at the U.S. Department of Agriculture in Washington, D.C.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Dr. Stamen, thank you for joining us.

The pleasure is all yours.

Indeed! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

So, how did you become a head botanist?

I wasn't aware that plants had heads.

I wasn't aware that you didn't.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

As to my chosen profession,

I guess I was destined to be a botanist

since my family name is synonymous

with the plants' reproductive sack.

I got a lot of taunting at school,

- but I'm sure - Aw!

you can relate to that, Luzair.

Of course! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Tonight, we are facing the greatest threat to humanity.

I am talking about the household plant.

We invite them into our homes because they look innocent

and they don't give us any crap,

but my research shows that they are

the first wave of a massive invasion force headed

for this planet at this very moment.

Let me demonstrate a quick and effective way

to rid yourselves of these treacherous creatures.

Put the noose around the stem and pull it taught

so the plant can't escape and then,

push it off the closest ledge or window sill.

Oh, dear God!

Why didn't you warn us?

Ladies and gentlemen, if it's not too late,

please send your children into another room.

You fools! (MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHING)

You're in danger! (CAPTAIN SNORTZ LAUGHING)

Don't you see it?

They're after you!

They're after all of us.

Your wives, your children.

Oh, they're already here!

Oh!

You're next!

You're next!

(EERIE MUSIC)

I don't see anyone.

Just these plants, everywhere.

Where did all the people go?

It's like they're still here but aren't.

What's with all these weird spores?

I don't know, but they better not clog up our air supply.

Hey, you guys?

(EERIE MUSIC)

What the hell is this?

I don't know, one of them damn vegans from LA?

It says right here his name is Benjamin Ficus.

Hey, there's plants in all the other cars, too.

Call headquarters.

This whole town's turning into a giant nursery.

Say, are you feelin' all right?

You look kinda tired.

You gettin' enough sleep?

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Get your eyes checked.

You're the one looking

like roadkill. (AIR WHOOSHING)

Well, if you ask me both

of you should find the nearest funeral home.

Yeah, well nobody's askin' you Miss Recedin' Hairline.

Oh, really?

Look who's talking, Miss It Took Me

a Week to Cover my Bald Spot!

What you two need is a good plastic surgeon.

Your faces are hanging down below your ankles.

- What? - Hey, come to think of it,

you're startin' to look like her.

That's funny, I was thinkin'

the same thing about you two losers.

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

(ALL SCREAMING)

We're starting to mutate!

No, no, no, no, I can't look as hideous as you!

I can't tell if that's your face or your ass!

Oh my God! (CAPTAIN SNORTZ LAUGHS)

What a way to go. (MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHS)

(GASPS) What the hell is happening to us?

Let me see!

(SCREAMS)

I look like the Crypt Keeper's father (SCREAMS)!

Come here!

Get back here (SCREAMS)!

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: Shut your hole!

Holy Botox, my husband'll never lay me again.

He'll never lay me again either.

(GASPS) You're the one who's been screwin' him?

Oops, sorry.

What are friends for?

I oughta!

Yeah, well, better you than her.

Guess it's time to confess.

Uh oh.

You cheap little tartelette!

- You whore of Babylon! - Don't fight, don't fight!

No, no, no, no!

Don't fight!

(ALL YELLING)

- Don't fight, don't fight! - Watch my hair.

My hair, my hair (SCREAMS)!

Miss Hastings, I have the latest report

from the National Guard.

Read it to me, Douchewood.

Okay.

"Blackout has spread throughout the county,

"including the Cape.

"No apparent reason or explanation yet discovered."

Wait.

Oh my God.

What is that?

It's moving right for us.

Terry, don't!

Oh, come on, man.

I just wanna touch it.

(DURWOOD IMITATES SHOTS FIRING)

Oh, no, Terry, open fire.

Joe, open fire!

(DURWOOD IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRING)

Shoot that green son of a bitch.

(DURWOOD IMITATES SHOTS FIRING)

Wait!

How the hell did it get behind me?

Get it off my face!

- I can't breathe. - Oh!

I can't breathe.

I can't, I can't, it's changing me!

(DURWOOD GRUNTING)

(DURWOOD GIGGLES)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(MISS HASTINGS GASPS)

I'm afraid that's it.

Well, you better call the President.

This is a national emergency

and all action taken should be thorough and (GRUNTING)...

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: Shut your hole!

Immediate (LAUGHS).

(MISS HASTINGS SIGHS)

Assure him that I'm staying on top of the situation.

Busy, busy, busy, busy again.

I'm the President of the United States.

You'd think I could at least get ahold of my bookie.

All our communications are being jammed.

Every cell tower in America is being overwhelmed with vines.

Secretary Downe, you send the Army over there

with some great big weed whackers, all right?

I want those towers cleared and those damn vines whacked.

I wish we could, Sir.

Here are these, the latest satellite surveillance photos.

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

Sweet Mother of God.

There are vines everywhere. (PHONE RINGING)

What am I gonna say to millions and millions of people?

They're all gonna lose their leaves.

Mr. President, I've got A.S.S. on the phone.

You got what?

I've got A.S.S. on the phone.

Ass?

You got a ass on the phone?

Well, then spray somethin' on the damn thing.

Put some disinfectant on it

if you're gonna put that thing in my face.

- No sir, no. - Clean your own ass

- Sir, Sir... - for Christ sakes.

No, no, no.

- No, Sir. - What the hell are you doin'?

- What are you thinkin'? - It's the Space Agency.

Some private named Doodywood is calling.

Doodywood and an ass phone.

What the hell is this country coming to?

Put him on speaker phone.

(PHONE BEEPING)

Go ahead, Doodywood.

This is National Security Advisor, Russell Sprout.

- I'm here with President Dover, - Yeah.

and Defense Secretary Downe.

What's goin' on?

Doodyhead, you're on the phone

with Neil Downe and Ben Dover.

Will you respond, Sir?

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

PRESIDENT DOVER: Say somethin' you (horn honks) idiot.

I'm sorry, Sir, I'm afraid we're cut off from the world.

All right, that's enough.

Now it's time to nuke these green goblin bastards

right down to their stem cells.

Right?

Total, complete, absolute deforestation.

You understand?

Mr. President, right now,

I couldn't order us a pizza.

Well, who the hell's gonna eat a pizza?

Unless you cook it at 9,000 degrees.

I want nuclear ash up to the windows in here.

I'm gonna take 'em out.

I'm gonna take 'em down.

It's over for them vines and that's it

or my name ain't Ben Dover.

We'll be at your command bunker in a minute.

You can run the attack from there.

If we make it alive because

this idiot's all over the road.

(TIRES SQUEALING) (ALL YELLING)

Hang on, honey!

You got to get a new wardrobe my dear.

I can't feel my legs!

Where is the slide?

Get me outta here!

- Mr. President, help! - Come on!

(MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHS)

(CAPTAIN SNORTZ LAUGHS)

Give me my hand.

- Sir! - Go ahead, kill him!

Let go of my pants!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

This way, Mr. President.

I'm gon' shield you with my Afro.

- Shoot, let's go. - Well, thank you.

Let's go.

Get the hell outta here.

Come on, Eileen.

Okay, Dad, don't burst a valve.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

- Mr. President? - Yeah?

Your wife will be joining you any minute.

Oh, thanks for reminding me.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh no.

Oh, there, there.

Sweetheart, I'm sure your mom's gonna be okay.

I've got no bars.

Wait, what are we doing in this creepy place?

Honey, this is the presidential bunker.

All right?

You'll be safe here.

I don't wanna be safe.

I wanna go to the mall.

Mr. President?

Yeah?

We have a situation. (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Listen, your name is Sprout, right?

So why don't ya like talk plant to them?

(BRIEFCASE THUDS)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

We come in peace.

We mean you no harm.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

You know, it ain't workin' so,

this blows my reelection completely to hell.

I'm just gonna go over there and shoot myself in the face.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Well, gang, I think it's a good time

to talk about ourselves.

That way we'll get to know each other better.

Why?

The audience has to bond with us.

Otherwise we're nothing more than cardboard characters.

(EERIE MUSIC)

I'll start.

I am an Aires with a Taurus rising

and my Moon in Libra.

I was an Eager Beaver Scout at the age of 10,

then graduated three years later with a PhD in astrophysics.

Now, although I'm married,

I've never been sexually aroused by my wife.

I'm intelligent, resourceful,

loyal, honest, and squeaky clean.

I'm also highly naive and possess a nonexistent libido.

My main goal in life is to live forever.

Okay, your turn.

I was born and raised in the sewers of New York.

I found out pretty quickly that I needed an education,

so I knocked over a bank and entered one

of those ritzy finishing schools.

Then, I was ready for the world.

I started making phone calls.

I got ahold of some big shot who worked at the agency.

I told him about my qualifications

to be an astronaut and he hired me.

How about you guys?

I don't know where, when or why I was born.

A pack of wolves found me at Yellowstone Park.

I lived with them for 23 years before I bailed.

It taught me all about nature and the wilderness.

(CHUCKLES) I still sleep on a bed of leaves.

My best friends are plants and animals.

(DOG WHINES)

I'm sensitive, shy, loving,

and have hidden wells of creative talent.

I crave orange juice and nudity.

My secret desire is to spread mustard on my...

Thanks, Charlie.

Okay, Doc, what's your story?

Well, I come from a large Chinese farm family.

When I got tired of picking rice,

I hopped a banana boat to Houston.

I inherited psychic abilities from Buddha.

A few years ago, I found my medical degree

in a Cracker Jack box.

Pretty easy bein' a doctor.

All you have to do is double talk to sick bastards.

I'm pretty materialistic and I have a pretty short temper,

and I've killed or maimed dozens

with my stunning incompetence.

Don't you guys feel the love?

Well, now people will actually care about us.

Wanna bet?

Let's float back to our bunks.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

Ah, the feeling of weightlessness.

Isn't this awesome (CHUCKLES)?

Words don't do it justice.

(KIRK CHUCKLES)

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Connie, read me a story.

Not tonight, Kirk.

I've got a headache.

Oh, come on, Charlie, be a pal.

We're going 10,000 miles an hour.

I'll get space sick.

Bob?

Don't even ask.

Oh.

Well, then I'll read it to you.

It's one of my best stories.

Wait, you're gonna read us something you wrote?

Of course, I can't get enough of myself.

"Goodnight, Earth.

"Goodnight, joy and mirth.

"Goodnight to my belt and ever expanding girth.

(CHARLIE SIGHS)

"Goodnight, Earth.

"Goodnight to those lights in Perth.

"Goodnight to my agents and my outstanding networth."

(GUN COCKS)

That's enough of that noise.

Huh? (RECORD SCREECHING)

Hey, we all need some rest.

Okay, then.

Goodnight, Connie.

Goodnight, Kirk.

Goodnight, Charlie.

- Goodnight, Kirk. - Goodnight, Charlie.

Goodnight, Connie.

Goodnight, Bob.

Goodnight, Connie.

Goodnight, Bob.

Yeah, yeah, okay, goodnight.

Goodnight, Bobby Boy.

And don't call me boy.

(SHOT FIRING) (GLASS SHATTERING)

I'm Chinese.

What?

You're Chinese?

MISS HASTINGS: Where's the shuttle now?

Oh my God.

It's three minutes from lunar impact.

Better wake 'em up.

Yes, my mistress.

Slither off, slave.

(AIR HISSING)

(MISS HASTINGS LAUGHS)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Do you approve, Sensei?

I find your need for approval annoying.

(EERIE MUSIC) (MISS HASTINGS CHOKING)

Never attempt to curve my favor

with such a shameful display.

(MISS HASTINGS COUGHING)

You have much to learn.

Oh, thank you, Sensei.

I shall try harder.

Do.

There is no try.

(UPBEAT MUSIC) (ALL YELLING)

(ALARM BLARING) (UPBEAT MUSIC)

(EXPLOSION BOOMING)

Houston, this is Lunar Shuttle Five.

We've made a successful landing and everything's just swell.

Oh, hold on.

I hereby promise the people of Earth one thing,

that we won't contact you again

until we've solved this vexing enigma.

(DIAL TONE BEEPING)

AUTOMATED VOICE: We're sorry,

you have reached a number that has been disconnected

or is no longer in service.

(CHARLIE GROANS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Hey, shouldn't we be wearing suits?

This isn't a formal occasion.

I sure hope my friend Jack's okay in there.

What about your wife?

(GROANS) Her too.

JACK: Who is it?

It's Kirk and Connie and Bob and Charlie.

Hey.

Look who's here.

Hi.

How are you, Connie?

(KIRK LAUGHS)

(KIRK SMOOCHING) (JACK SMOOCHING)

KIRK: Good to see you, too.

Kirk, how are you?

Have you lost your mind?

Come on in.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Hello, Cheryl.

Did you miss me?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Are you happy to see me?

Are you having a good time?

Are you happy to be going home?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Good talking to you, Cheryl.

Connie, how long are you staying?

- As long as... - As long as necessary.

I think Jack was talking to me.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Bob, I want you to give these two a through examination.

You need my report as soon as possible.

KIRK: I need your report as soon as possible.

So do I.

Come with me.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(RECORD SCREECHING)

What happened?

What gives?

What is it, what, what's going on?

What happened to my Jack?

What indeed?

I bet he's been brainwashed by that slutty ho of yours.

No, I think it's something

more than that slutty ho of mine.

Let's look around.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Wow.

Odd.

Trail of dirt seems to lead to this drawer.

Hm.

(KIRK GRUNTS)

Plant food.

Hm.

Interesting plot development.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

♪ Freaky, freaky boys ♪

♪ Sexy, sexy boys ♪

What's the verdict, Doc?

Well, they seem strong enough.

I'll have my final report later.

Kirk, you have to go downstairs

and get our computerized flight plan ready.

- All right, then... - all right, we can,

this time he's talking to me.

Hm.

I mean, we can go right now if you'd like.

Great.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

They want outta here bad.

Are you havin' a psychic impression, Bob?

Yeah, you could call it that.

I'll stay here and finish my report.

Let's go after 'em.

Oop!

(CHARLIE SIGHS)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(ELEVATOR WHIRRING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

Is this a sauna?

Nope, it's an elevator.

It looks like a sauna.

Trust me, it's an elevator.

It's gettin' pretty hot in here.

It's an elevator, okay?

Okay, okay, it's an elevator.

Now what's downstairs, Charlie?

It's a top secret room where

our most sophisticated computers are.

Only a few people in the world have access.

Hm.

Well, how do you keep unauthorized personnel

from just wandering it?

Besides being 240,000 miles from Earth,

and 100 feet below the lunar surface,

there are five security devices that we have to pass.

Can you elucidate?

I could, but who's gonna clean it up?

Hm.

Well, not me.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

DR. DEYSTRUM: Sinus analyzer.

Cover nose and breathe deeply.

(ANALYZER BEEPING)

Oh, breathalyzer, all right.

Whoa!

DR. DEYSTRUM: Sinus analysis complete.

(KIRK GROANS)

You may proceed.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

What's this room?

DR. DEYSTRUM: Footprint analyzer.

Place feet on sensor.

Footprint analysis complete.

You may proceed.

(AIR WHOOSHING) (UPBEAT MUSIC)

Bite analyzer.

What?

(AIR HISSING)

DR. DEYSTRUM: Bite down on sponge.

(LIQUID GUSHING)

Really?

DR. DEYSTRUM: Bite down on sponge.

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

Bite down on sponge, damn it!

KIRK: All right.

DR. DEYSTRUM: Bite analysis complete,

(KIRK SPITS)

at last.

You may proceed.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

What the hell is this?

DR. DEYSTRUM: Belly button analyzer.

Place plunger over belly button.

Belly button analysis complete.

(PLUNGER POPPING)

Stupid.

DR. DEYSTRUM: You may proceed.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Is this the last of it?

Yes.

What's this one do?

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

Anal analyzer?

(MACHINERY WHIRRING) (PENSIVE MUSIC)

(WHEEL CREAKING)

(ELEVATOR WHIRRING)

(KIRK GROANS)

(KIRK SQUEAKS)

Oi!

(KIRK GROANING)

We're gonna get that computerized print out.

I don't think I can make it.

Well, that's strange.

What do you mean?

We just got TSA'd big time.

How are they able to move?

Good question.

We need to talk but not here.

Jack and Cheryl might hear us.

JACK AND CHERYL: No we won't.

There's a conference room on level two.

We can talk there.

Great.

Let's see if we can stand (GROANING).

Oh, man.

Anal analyzer, mother...

(WOOD CRACKS)

Oh!

Oo! (WOOD CRACKS)

Wow, man!

Wowza!

That yoga's really payin' off.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Get out here now!

(DURWOOD COUGHS)

Oo, whoa!

White boy's packin' some serious heat up in here.

Yeah!

It's not what you think.

Oh, well you certainly have come to the right girl.

Let's take a little peek.

Okay.

Careful. (STALKS SNAPPING)

Oh, what the Jolly Green Giant is this?

Have you been rippin' off the commissary again?

It just grew.

Grew?

What else do you have down here?

Two great big onions.

Well, this is a real mess ain't it, Farmer John?

Didn't you attend any of my personal hygiene courses?

(STOMACH GURGLING)

Oh no.

I feel a tomato coming on.

Oh, what do I do?

Well, grow some lettuce or I'm gonna toss me a salad.

(DURWOOD GRUNTING)

I'm so thirsty.

Are you thirsty?

I'm thirsty.

I need water.

Lots and lots of water.

- Hey, water? - Water.

- Hey. - What happened?

No, no.

I need to be watered, you got to water me.

(WATER SPLASHING)

This won't be enough.

(MISS HASTINGS MOANING) (DURWOOD MOANING)

Find another jug.

It's too dark in here, huh?

I need light.

I need, no.

Warm, wonderful light.

No, no, no.

I need light.

Get to one side.

DURWOOD: I can't.

My roots are stuck to the floor.

(MISS HASTINGS GASPS)

I'm afraid it's too late.

We're turning into plants.

(MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHING) (CAPTAIN SNORTZ LAUGHING)

I guess this is the end.

Goodbye, Durwood.

(BUBBLES POPPING)

You called me Durwood.

I did, didn't I?

Let's pollinate.

I love you.

I have always loved you.

I'm gonna lick your fruit gub.

I want us to have wild, botanic sex.

I'm gonna squeeze your melon.

Kneel down, Durwood.

Kneel down and feast upon the fruit of my loins.

- Yeah! - Tug on my banana, baby.

MISS HASTINGS: I'll tug hard.

Yeah!

Yeah!

(MISS HASTINGS LAUGHING) (PRODUCE THUDDING)

Oh, good, you're here.

Guys, we're on this end over here.

Hey.

Hey.

Guys?

(KIRK GRUNTING)

Man, this table's big.

Oo.

Hey guys, what do you say we change it up a bit

and meet on the other end of the table?

No, we're good here.

We like it here.

Oh.

Oh, this table is so long.

Oh, chest pains.

(KIRK GROANING)

Garrison, must have mouth-to-mouth.

(KIRK GROANING)

Oh, yeah.

That's my medical report.

I've gone over it and over it.

Is this all you've got?

So far.

I didn't have time to give 'em the full treatment.

What have you found?

Well, they're in perfect shape.

I've never seen two people more healthy.

She hasn't said a word since we got here,

maybe she's hiding something.

Yeah, she wasn't hiding much.

You ever seen a woman wear a bikini backwards?

No, but I sure hope it's a trend.

There's one thing we know for sure.

Something happened to those two.

Another psychic impression, Bob?

You could call it that.

They've certainly been acting strange.

Jack thinks I'm Kirk and thinks Kirk's me.

- Yes, I noticed that, too. - Yeah.

They haven't eaten any of their food in two weeks.

And we haven't heard from them

in the past couple of weeks.

So, the obvious answer is...

They've been on a diet for two weeks

and didn't wanna tell us.

Now we're getting somewhere.

The thing I don't understand is...

(SHUTTLE WHIRRING)

That's a shuttle taking off.

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

Well, at least they didn't jack the nuclear reactor.

(ALARM BLARES)

Huh?

Those fucking dicks!

(KIRK PANTING) (ALARM BLARING)

Intercom, activate hummingbird.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

Connie, Charlie, Bob, get back down here.

The nuclear reactor's going super critical.

And it's about to explode!

This will cause a large scale destruction.

Hey, wait up.

Look at the door!

It's fused shut.

Is there another way in?

Connie, go get a laser gun.

Maybe we can blast our way through.

Right.

Bob, go call Houston.

Tell them of our situation and of Jack and Cheryl.

Sure thing.

Wait, I almost forgot.

Can we attain ingress through another passage?

No, but there's another way in.

Having that piece of chalk

was certainly fortuitous, Charlie.

Lucky, too.

Now, okay, here we have the kitchen

and over here are the bathrooms,

and this is the master bedroom.

Yes, but where is the reactor room?

Sorry.

Wrong complex.

Hurry Charlie, we don't have much time.

Okay, now this is the reactor room.

There's an access tube that leads in here but...

But?

It's connected to the third floor computer complex.

You mean, I've got to go through

all those security devices again?

I'll keep in touch with you by intercom.

Sounds swell.

Wish me luck.

CHARLIE: Good luck, Kirk.

We're all counting on ya.

All right.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

(KIRK PANTING)

DR. DEYSTRUM: Sinus analyzer.

- Whoa! - Cover nose

- Guys! - and breath deeply.

Sinus analysis complete.

You may proceed.

Must hurry, must hurry, must hurry (PANTING).

Stand back!

(BLASTER WHIRRING)

Nothing's happening.

I know.

I'll increase to full power.

Isn't that a little risky?

Maybe but we've gotta get in there.

Where's Kirk?

I'll check.

(KIRK PANTING)

Footprint analyzer.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

place feet on sensor.

KIRK: They're on!

Footprint analysis complete.

You may proceed.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(KIRK PANTING)

Bite analyzer.

Bite down on sponge.

Bite down on sponge!

Bite down on sponge you little wuss.

(SPONGE THUDS) (KIRK GASPS)

Ow, come here!

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Mm.

Bite analyzer complete.

You may proceed.

(KIRK PANTING) (UPBEAT MUSIC)

It's wet t-shirt time, Ramora,

and you're gonna get it.

Dr. Deystrum, you don't have a long enough hose.

Well, we'll see...

Belly button analyzer.

Place plunger over belly button.

I did, I did.

DR. DEYSTRUM: Belly button analysis complete.

You may proceed.

(PLUNGER POPS)

Ouch!

(KIRK PANTING) (UPBEAT MUSIC)

(ALERT BEEPS)

Anal analyzer.

Oh, God.

I forgot the KY!

(MACHINERY WHIRRING) (KIRK GROANING)

(WHEEL CREAKING) (UPBEAT MUSIC)

(KIRK GROANS)

(KIRK SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Kirk?

There's only seconds left.

Ahead of you is the tube hatch.

Enter one, two, three on the security keypad

and the hatch will open.

Climb into the tube and you'll be in the reactor room.

Can you do it?

I think I can.

I think I can.

I think I can.

(UPBEAT MUSIC) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Oh, no.

Oh, please.

Please little gerbil, don't fail us now.

Not in our most desperate hour.

We beseech you to keep the wheels spinning.

Although we are only human and you are not,

- So what? - please grant

us deliverance from the dark.

Amen.

HAMMY THE HAMSTER: Okay.

(ELECTRICITY WHIRRING)

(KIRK SIGHS)

(BUTTONS BEEPING)

I'll remember you, always.

Hm.

(KIRK GRUNTING) (UPBEAT MUSIC)

Whoa!

(WHEEL CREAKING) (ELECTRICITY WHIRRING)

HAMMY THE HAMSTER: Jerk-off.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(ALARM BLARING)

What's happening?

Watch out!

You'll get killed by the laser.

Oh, sorry.

Shield your eyes.

That light can blind you.

How much time do we have?

It's gonna blow any second.

What about this door?

Oh, silly me, there is another door.

Come on!

(HEN CLUCKING)

(ALARM BLARING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(ALL YELLING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SYMBOLS CRASHING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(CHARLIE SIGHS)

We fixed it!

That was a close one.

Yeah, but Bob saved the day.

(CHUCKLES) Aw, shucks.

I'd like you guys to know that I did it just to save myself.

(LATCH WHIRRING)

(KIRK GROANING)

Okay.

Yes.

(METAL CLANGS)

Okay, Charlie.

I'm in.

What now?

Huh?

I was supposed to save us.

(SCOFFS) We couldn't wait any longer, Kirk.

KIRK: Oh, so what do you have to say for yourselves?

ALL: We're sorry.

What do you make of it, Doc?

Well, it may be advanced schizophrenia

or perhaps a drug related psychosis impairing

their ability to rationalize their thoughts and actions.

Whatever it is, I'm gonna jack 'em up

if they pull that crap again.

Come on, let's go after 'em.

Did you see that?

What?

These plants, they're shaking.

I think they're tryin' to tell us something.

Charlie, plants are your best friends.

Do you think you can make telepathic contact?

I can try.

Ohm. (EERIE MUSIC)

(CHARLIE GRUNTING)

KIRK: Well?

It's Jack.

ALL: Huh?

It's Jack.

He says he wants a beer.

- No. - Come on.

Ask him.

Jack, is it really you?

Oh, Jack, it is you.

Why did you do this to yourself?

(LEAF WHACKS) (KIRK GASPS)

I think they were turned into plants by aliens.

What kind of aliens?

Probably the same kind who were taking

over Earth when we left.

So, those other two were aliens?

You certainly are psychic, Bob.

I'm glad you're on our side.

I know you are.

We gotta get those miserable aliens.

She's right.

Let's expel some gas.

(KIRK FARTING)

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

Down periscope.

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

Oh, we're gaining on them.

(ENGINES WHIRRING)

Scootie, we need more power!

Me poor bombs are about to overheat, Captain,

but I'll try to get you a wee bit more.

Steady, steady.

Fire futon torpedoes.

This isn't a TV show Captain Jerk.

We don't have weapons.

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

Look at the size of that thing.

It's like a gigantic greenhouse.

(PENSIVE MUSIC) (MACHINERY WHIRRING)

We're too late.

Now what do we do?

(MACHINERY WHIRRING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

It's time to crash this party.

Hang on!

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

(EXPLOSION BOOMING)

(PLANTS YELLING) (EXPLOSIONS BOOMING)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

I feel a disturbance in the force,

as if a million plants just cried out in terror.

To hell with those weeping willows.

At least we stopped their invasion.

But now we've got to warn humanity.

Let's get to Earth as fast as we can.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

(EXPLOSION BOOMING)

(GROANS) Well, now that we're back on Earth,

maybe we should take a look around.

(CHARLIE GROANING) (KIRK GROANS)

Whew!

(BOB GROANING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC)

Huh?

(HIP HOP MUSIC)

What?

Oh.

I'm not going to this party.

(HIP HOP MUSIC)

Connie, this is Kirk.

What do you got?

Just plants and trees.

All sorts of 'em.

What do you suppose it means?

Huh, I don't know

but there's somethin' awfully shady about this.

(SIGHS)

Bob, report.

Nothing yet.

Still scanning the area.

KIRK: Okay.

Charlie?

Yes?

KIRK: Have you seen anything unusual?

Nothing I haven't seen before.

Okay, Charlie, I'll get back to you.

CONNIE: This is Connie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Charlie, okay, I'll get back to you.

BOB: This is Bob.

Oh, hi Bob.

Oh, I got a headache.

(CROW CAWING)

(DINOSAUR GROWLS)

Whoa!

(DINOSAUR GROWLS)

(KIRK GRUNTS) (AIR WHOOSHING)

(BOULDER THUDS) (KIRK GASPS)

50 years later and he's still pissed.

Crazy kid.

Throw the rock then growl.

DINOSAUR: Sorry, Daddy.

Stupid flower out in the middle of nowhere.

(KIRK GRUNTING) (SHOE SQUEAKING)

What are you doin', fool?

You just kicked over a plant.

Your carelessness just cost the life

of a innocent by-stalker.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls... (POPCORN CRUNCHING)

Stop eatin' the popcorn while I'm doin' my scene.

(DRINK SLURPING)

(TAKE BEEPS)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

(PHONE RINGS)

Now the phone's ringin'?

(TAKE BEEPS)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

Apollo commands the...

DIRECTOR: Stop it!

Let's get ready some more!

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Hummingbird motion.

Let's go.

Here we go.

Come on.

Let's go.

(FIST THUDDING) (KIRK GRUNTING)

Yeah, take that, oh.

Oo.

Oh, you a little wild one.

(AIR WHOOSHING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(KIRK CALLING)

(FOOT THUDS)

Oh!

Oh, give me... (FIST THUDS)

(KIRK CALLING)

Take that.

(FIST THUDS)

Oh!

Missed me.

(FIST THUDS)

Man, don't touch my hair, man.

Get away from me.

You ain't got nothin', you ain't got nothin'.

(FOOT THUDS)

I'm Captain Kirk Stillwood.

(KIRK GRUNTING) (PLAYFUL MUSIC)

(KIRK IMITATES PUNCHES THUDDING)

(KIRK CALLING)

(FOOT THUDS) (GONG CLANGS)

Who are you Bushe and what do you want?

I am the Lord Sovereign of the Plant Kingdom, Holmes.

Millions of years ago, plants were brought

to the planet Earth but they were used and abused.

Some were even eaten.

And for that, mankind has to pay,

and bitch better have my money.

You mean all these plants?

What's left of the human race (LAUGHS).

At least everyone's gone green.

How did you do it?

Our spores were blown all over the world

and inhaled by you fool ass humans.

They immediately became plants.

How's that possible?

Shit if I know.

Hey man, can you help us out?

Who the hell are you?

We're the Choom Gang.

I'm Buzz, this here is my bro, Budd.

We just got in from Venus.

(BUZZ CHUCKLES) (BUDD CHUCKLES)

Somethin' smells about you two.

There's a strange odor.

Are you cannabis?

- No man. - No.

- No man, - No.

- no, you got it all wrong. - You got it all...

MAJOR BUSHE: Captain Snortz?

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: At your service, Major.

Take over.

These plants are in need of some real tough love.

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: Careful, Sir.

They mights be narcs.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Feel no shame in what you are.

Pounds is the newest line of five blast bongs and bubblers

which offer a premium smokin' experience.

The Battleship has a rim around the top,

makin' it easy to get to the suction for those massive hits.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Yeah. (BUDD CHUCKLES)

The 13 inch Mothership, whew,

she's built with a barrel and a percolator.

The Rocketship, let me tell you about the Rocketship.

Mm, mm, mm.

The Rocketship has a diffused downstream,

allowing the user to cover the hole

with the ideal suction when they spark it up.

So, whether you into flower or oil,

Pounds has the perfect product for you.

And remember, my most excellent hempsters

go to maryjane.com for all the latest industry news

for all things cannabis, baby.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

What do you want Bushe?

On Mars you stole somethin'.

Somethin' that didn't belong to you.

You mean the Big Bang Bean?

The Big Bang Bean.

We want it back.

You'll never get it you despicable odious alien.

Captain Snortz, release the hounds on his cray cray ass.

(KIRK GRUNTS)

(MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHS) (PLAYFUL MUSIC)

KIRK: Whoa!

Ah!

Whoa!

Ah!

- Shut your hole! - Whoa!

Whoa!

- He's in trouble. - Run, run for it!

And so are we.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(FIST THUDS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(CONNIE SIGHS)

Those aliens are everywhere.

Wait a minute.

Where's Kirk?

I thought he was with you.

Oh, we must've passed him somehow.

Where the hell could his little butt be?

There he is.

He's out there with the aliens.

Oh dear God, he's surrounded.

Is he dead?

No, it looks like he's playing possum.

I'm a possum.

I'm a possum.

ALIENS: Ah!

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

(BOTTLE CLATTERING)

Huh?

What?

Weed killer?

(KIRK LAUGHS)

Die!

I wanna make out with you.

(KIRK LAUGHS)

Yeah!

Oh!

Weed killer.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Open the door, open the door!

Open the damn door!

(ALIENS CHITTERING)

(KIRK GASPING)

CONNIE: Are you okay?

Yeah.

They'll be back.

You can bet on it.

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

(KIRK GROANS)

All right.

Aliens have conquered Earth.

The whole human race gone.

What do they want from us?

They want the Big Bang Bean.

What?

The Big Bang Bean.

I brought it back from Mars.

They want it returned.

So, give it to them.

What good is it anyway?

Well, the Big Bang Bean has awesome power.

They could use it against us.

Yeah, well, maybe we could use it against them.

Yeah.

Where is it?

It's in a top secret hiding place.

Only the President of the United States

and I know where it's actually located.

Yes, but now that the President's a geranium,

you're the only one.

I guess so.

Just give us the Big Bang Bean

and they'll leave us alone.

No, I found it and I'm keeping it.

I think it's time for some gentle persuasion.

I won't give up the Big Bang Bean,

not even for the trillions of dollars

out there completely unguarded.

What did you say?

Well, think of it, all those banks

and credit unions just wide open waiting

for someone to walk in and clean 'em out.

Yeah.

What a thought.

I suppose none of that matters...

(AIR WHIZZING)

Guys?

Where'd they go?

Oh, yeah, I bet they're going on a reconnaissance mission,

spyin' on those aliens (CHUCKLES).

Hope they bring back somethin' we can use.

Oh, you can count on it.

KIRK: Hm.

(CLOCK TICKING)

It's been four hours.

We should've heard from them by now.

Oh, give 'em time.

They've probably got their hands full.

(SYMBOLS CRASHING)

KIRK: Oh, someone just climbed the fence.

That must be them.

I knew they'd have their hands full.

KIRK: Oh, they sure do.

Look at those aliens.

No, don't stop.

Oh!

I can't look.

Oh!

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: This is Buttock.

Escape is impossible.

You have three minutes left.

They've got us surrounded.

It's hopeless.

Maybe I should just give them the Big Bang Bean.

No wait, I just had a stroke of genius.

Well, whatever it is, it won't work.

We left it on the Moon!

They won't fall for that.

(CAR BEEPS) (CAR DOORS SLAMMING)

(ENGINE RUMBLING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

Well, they fell for that (CHUCKLES).

Boy, plants really are stupid.

I guess that takes care of the aliens.

Not quite.

(BAT THUDS)

Oh!

(BAT THUDDING)

Oh, oh the violence!

I'm sorry, Stillwood,

but I've gotta kill those aliens myself.

Ow, okay.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (ENGINE WHIRRING)

Kirk?

(KIRK GROANING)

Can you hear me?

(KIRK GROANING)

I feel so, so woody (GROANING).

Can you hear me, Kirk?

Connie?

Is that you?

Who else?

Well, you could be an alien.

The computer shows you're only 30 miles from the Moon.

Why are you going there?

CONNIE: I am gonna give them the Big Bang Bean.

Well, you don't have the Big Bang Bean.

Connie Oh, really? (Big Bang Bean chittering)

Go check the secret hiding place.

Huh?

(AIR WHOOSHING)

(KIRK GRUNTS)

All right, I know the Big Bang Bean is in here somewhere.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Damn it!

(KIRK GROANS)

Okay.

How did you know where it was?

You talk in your sleep.

What else did I say?

Oh, something about dipping me in honey

and strapping me into gravity boots.

Oh, I must've been delirious.

Look, if you damage the Big Bang Bean,

there'll be a huge explosion like a supernova.

It's okay.

I have to give my life away.

It's something I've always wanted to do.

Stop it!

Connie, please, stop it.

You can't do this to me.

(KIRK GRUNTING)

Connie!

Connie! (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(ROCKET WHIZZING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(KIRK PANTING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(CONNIE SCREAMS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

CONNIE: The Moon!

(EXPLOSION BOOMING)

Oh no!

(EXPLOSION BOOMING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SOLEMN MUSIC)

No.

No!

No, no.

The Moon is gone.

The Moon gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Gone is the Moon.

That means Connie's gone.

Bob's gone.

Charlie's gone.

Gone!

Oh, everybody's gone.

No, no, no!

Wait a minute.

I'm still here.

I guess every cloud does have a silver lining.

Let's see.

The radiation from that blast

will reach lethal levels in four hours.

Just enough time for me to jump

a shuttle and go someplace else.

Maybe Uranus.

I've always wondered how it got that name.

Must've been a deranged proctologist.

Yes.

Hm.

(FIRE CRACKLING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(KIRK SIGHS)

Okay.

Yeah, uh huh.

All right.

(KIRK SMOOCHING)

(AIR HISSING)

Whoa.

Cheryl?

What are you doing here?

My name is Anne, Anne Droid.

I was designed in the image of your wife.

Somebody must really hate me.

You are my purpose.

- My reason to exist. - Oh.

I was programmed to function like

a normal human female to provide

for your satisfaction and to quench every carnal desire.

I didn't wanna be with the real one.

Why would I engage in coitus with an imitation?

I am to be the mother of the next human race.

This body is yours.

Let me be your mate for all eternity.

(KIRK GRUNTING)

Oo.

Uranus, here I come!

(KIRK SCREAMS) (AIR WHOOSHING)

(KIRK SNORING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

(MACHINERY BEEPING)

Oh, I can't stand this.

What time is it?

We leave in two minutes.

Huh?

What's your problem?

(HEARTBEAT POUNDING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

Stillwood's heartbeat just jumped off the scale.

Kirk, are you doing what I think you're doing?

Of course, it was a premonition.

I've seen the future.

I know what will happen, but now I can change it.

Have you lost your mind?

Connie, contact Amber Earhardt.

Tell her to find Bushe and inject him

with a lethal dose of Dick Weed Killer.

CONNIE: Dick Weed Killer?

(ROOSTER CLUCKS)

Don't argue with me.

It's the only thing that will stop him.

Are you sure you're all right?

Bob, for the first time in my life, I know what I'm doing.

I'm ready for them this time.

(ROCKET WHIZZING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

(MAJOR BUSHE YAWNS)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

It's time to flower my little kumquat.

Bloom.

Oh, Auntie Petunia, it's you.

How long was I hibernating?

Oh, it's been nearly three harvests now.

Are you strong enough to sprout?

I suppose so.

What a horrible dream I had.

Oh, that feels good.

Can I have another?

Of course, dear.

Oh, Auntie Petunia, you sure know how to till the soil.

(CHUCKLES) I certainly should,

after all the fields I've plowed (CHUCKLES).

(MAJOR BUSHE LAUGHS)

And who are you?

Like, I'm Nurse Uri (LAUGHS).

I'm gonna need a stool sample (LAUGHS).

MAJOR BUSHE: Wait a minute.

(STEM POPS)

(MAJOR BUSHE GASPS)

You gave us all quite a scare.

For awhile there, we thought

you were going to leave us (CHUCKLES).

Oh, but I did leave.

Aunt Petunia, I leave to Mars

and went to Earth and you and you and you were there, too.

The people there weren't very nice,

especially this little limp idiot.

AUNT PETUNIA: Hm!

He even tried to pump me full of Dick Weed Killer.

Oh my dear.

You have such an imagination.

(BIG BANG BEAN CHITTERING)

Oh, Dodo, we're home,

and I'm never going to leave again because I love you all.

Oh, Auntie Petunia?

Yes, dear?

There's no place like home.

(UPLIFTING MUSIC)

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: Holy horse dump,

what a massive bender that was.

My head's pounding so hard, it's turning blue.

What the hell was this cheap ass shit?

Oh, this damn Cranya again.

Serves me right for drinking anything

with a flying skull on it.

What a nightmare.

I was surrounded by plants and a puppet,

a hamster and a chicken

and the stupidest people in the universe.

I told 'em to shut their holes but they wouldn't listen.

(COW LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

COW: I've been laughin' since

you passed out, fool (LAUGHS).

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: Oh, just shut your hole.

THE GARDENER OF FRICKIN' FOREVER: Yo,

over here not over here.

Yo, sit down, all right?

You thought it was over.

Well, forget about it.

This damn thing is never gonna end, you understand that?

You're in purgatory.

That's why they call me The Gardener of Frickin' Forever.

Watch what happens when they enter

this hot mess in an award show.

PRESENTER: Welcome, to the Gilded Horn Awards.

What, Mommy?

Stop it.

♪ After today, I'll be incredible ♪

♪ After today, I'll be unbelievable ♪

♪ After today, no one's gonna push me around ♪

♪ No one's gonna bring me down after today ♪

♪ After today ♪

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

This year's Gilded Horn Award for best original song,

goes to Miss Emily Stanton.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I would like to thank the Academy.

You love me, you really love me!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

The Gilded Horn Awards have celebrated artistic merit

in the motion picture industry for the past 2,000 years.

Coveted by filmmakers around the world,

there's little doubt that everyone wants

to get their hands on a Horny.

Congratulations to all the Horny winners here tonight,

and to the Horny losers, better luck next time.

And now to introduce the final award of the evening.

It is my privilege to introduce to sci-fi legends.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the lovely Marina Sirtis and Robert Picardo.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

The nominees for Best Picture are,

"Back with the Wind,"

the heart wrenching story

of a submarine crew battling suffocating flatulence.

"The Sodfather,"

the saga of a poor gardener turning his day job

into a dirty family business.

"Westside Story,"

a tale of millions of Angeleno's searching

in vain for that dream, a parking space.

"Forrest Dump,"

the tragic tale of a young man forced

to relieve himself in the wilderness.

And finally, "The Sound of Muzak."

A young nun descends into madness after being von Trapp-ed

in an elevator for 98 harrowing hours.

And the award goes to,

unbelievable!

Oh, thank you, thank you!

Thank you very much.

I'd like to thank the Academy

for this overdue recognition of my immense talent.

Oh yes, of course, my fellow thespians

come join me up here on stage.

Come on guys (CHUCKLES)!

Make room (CHUCKLES).

Get those nasty aliens up here, too.

(KIRK CHUCKLES) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I'd like to thank all the captains before me,

Captain Ahab, Kangaroo, Morgan,

Stubing, Picard, Phillips and Tennille!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(KIRK CHUCKLES)

It all all began for me back on a summer's day

when my parents were feeling frisky.

- Oh, hello (CHUCKLES). - Excuse me.

Yes?

That award isn't for you.

Well, of course it is.

We're the cast and crew of "Unbelievable!!!!!"

Excuse me, excuse me, I'm really sorry,

but I was just surprised at the picture

which had one and just kind of blurted out unbelievable.

I'm really sorry if there's been any confusion.

- So, who won? - I'm not sorry.

It wasn't confusing to me.

- So... - Me either (LAUGHS).

So, I'm afraid, would you all go back to your seats?

- I'm afraid you all have - Whoa!

- to go back to your seats. - Run for it, guys.

Run for it!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

What?

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Must leave building (PANTING)!

♪ Today ♪

♪ No one's gonna push me around after today ♪

♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪

(KIRK SQUEAKS)

(KIRK GROANS)

I do my own stunts but why?

(FIREWOMAN LAUGHS)

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

Warp speed!

(KIRK SQUEAKS) (WOOD CRACKING)

(SIREN WAILING) (HIP HOP MUSIC)

(PARAMEDICS COUGHING)

Hang in there, guy.

(PARAMEDIC COUGHS)

We're almost there.

You're lookin' good.

(COUGHS) Don't quit on us, fella.

The ER's right around the corner.

Stay strong.

Have faith.

(PARAMEDIC COUGHING)

Try to ignore the Angel of Death surrounding you.

Don't worry, pal (COUGHS).

I'm sure someone can sew the head back on for ya.

(PARAMEDIC COUGHS)

Oh God, I can't take it.

(HIP HOP MUSIC)

What the hell is goin' on here?

Is that the victim?

I need to get his statement.

Get lost, gumshoe.

Nobody blows off Detective Dan Marr.

You know something.

Now cough it up.

(PARAMEDIC COUGHING)

Oh, won't talk, huh?

I know how to get a confession out of a punk like you,

and go get your partner.

This is a triage area.

You'll have to leave.

Do I need to take everybody downtown

and beat 'em with a rubber hose?

I still have to get his statement.

Take it outside.

(HIP HOP MUSIC)

Pulse zero.

Blood pressure, 0/0.

We're losing him.

Get the neurosurgeon, stat.

Stat!

I'm a doctor, damn it, not a messenger boy.

Let's use the paddles.

Clear!

(PADDLES THUDDING) (HIP HOP MUSIC)

(GENTLE MUSIC) (PADDLES THUDDING)

Do it like this.

No, like this.

Oh, forgive me my young lieutenants

but I have failed once again.

Oh, Grandmaster, (CHILDREN GIGGLING)

I know I'm destined for some great thing,

but what I do not know.

If only I can be assured that I was

on my true and spiritual path.

If only I can be given a sign.

Just a small sign. (CHILDREN GIGGLING)

Nothing too dramatic.

Whoa!

(PADDLE THUDDING) (MONITOR BEEPING)

Oh!

Faint signs of life.

He still has a snowball's chance in hell.

Doctor, patient's not breathing.

His temperature is 80 degrees below normal.

His body's devoid of blood, flesh and bone.

I say we call it.

It's margarita time.

Is there any chance to save him, Dr. Soon?

DR. SOON: I suppose it's possible.

I could transform him into an artificial life form.

But doctor, what if you're wrong?

It's a chance you'll have to take.

Let's have a closer inspection.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

Unbelievable!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Hey, yeah.

Well, we're having the premier at the Coliseum.

Yeah, the LA Coliseum, can you believe that?

We're expecting 100,000 or more.

That's right.

No, no.

You can't have tickets.

Try a scalper.

TMZ, how about BFD?

(SIGHS) Get in line, Harvey.

Kirk is doing "Conan" and "The View."

(KIRK GROANS)

He's got no time for your sorry syndicated ass.

Get us saturation coverage

on each network's prime time slate.

Yeah.

I don't care what it costs.

The studio's covering P&A.

No, you're only getting distribution rights

for North America, that's it.

We're debuting wide on 7,000 screens.

Well, Europe, Asia and South America are already gone.

Well, we do have Fiji, the Seychelles and Tasmania

if you'd like those.

Yeah.

Who's this?

Gee, we were just talkin' about you guys,

over the past few decades.

You wanna do a deal?

Yeah.

Put the chairman on.

I'll hold (CHUCKLES).

So, Brad, you're runnin' things over there now, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, call us back in 40 years.

We'll do lunch.

I just sold our merchandising

and licensing rights for 800 large.

We're back on top boys and girls.

- Yes! - Yeah.

I understand.

- Hold on a second. - Yeah!

- Knock it off, guys. - What?

- It's CAA. - Oh.

WOMAN: Oh my God.

You want Kirk for the lead in the next Spielberg film?

(KIRK GROANS)

Well, I think I can speak for him when I say he's in.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot yourself.

Don't worry.

You're perfect for the role.

It's a live action remake of "Pinocchio."

Now you've got a chance for what you've always wanted.

No, you mean that...

Yes, Kirk, yes!

You're gonna become a real little actor.

(KIRK GROANING)

Yes.

(KIRK GRUNTS) (KIRK SQUEAKS)

(ALL CHEERING) (ALL LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(TAKE BEEPS)

CAPTAIN SNORTZ: Silence!

(CAPTAIN SNORTZ SNEEZES)

♪ Oh ♪

(SNOOP DOGG LAUGHS)

♪ Oh ♪

(TAKE BEEPS)

Where is God damn wallet?

I can't see.

I can't find it (LAUGHS).

- Oo, would you - Get out of the way!

- two just move! - Out!

Oh, says here, here!

♪ Oh ♪

LARRISHA: Tell me his name.

What's his name?

(ALL LAUGHING)

His name's Bernie Ficus.

What the fuck is his name?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

♪ Oh ♪

I'm reporting you.

Incompetent!

Ah, I'm infected!

(ALL LAUGHING)

CURLISHA: Where was the wallet?

(ALL LAUGHING)

As you can see, you have much to learn.

Oh, thank you, Sensei.

I will try harder.

(NICHELLE LAUGHS)

Do!

- There is no try. - Yes, Sensei.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(TAKE BEEPS)

(SINGER VOCALIZING) (GENTLE MUSIC)

Hey, look who's here.

CONNIE: Hi, honey.

- Boom, boom. - Up!

Do it from the door opening.

Close the door.

Here we go.

Set.

KIRK: It's Kirk and Connie and Bob and Charlie.

JACK: I'm sorry, do that again.

Do that again.

KIRK: Charlie!

(CREW LAUGHING)

Not just Charlie, do all four would ya?

Jesus Christ, what are ya, a puppet?

(CREW LAUGHING)

CREW MEMBER: Here we go, here we go.

(TAKE BEEPS)

JACK: Any friend of Connie's is a friend of mine.

Strange.

All right, let's go.

Whoa, I'm floating.

(CREW LAUGHING)

Oh, Lord.

(CREW LAUGHING) (TAKE BEEPING)

So, what do you say?

BOB: No, no, we're good.

- We like it here. - Yeah.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Oh, I seem to have self destructed.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

I'm lost in thought.

I'm paralyzed in thought right now.

CREW MEMBER: Oh, shit.

KIRK: Oh, shit.

(CREW LAUGHING)

That doesn't sound good.

CREW MEMBER: There we go.

- Oh, Spock! - That's good,

- everything's all right. - To the bridge.

(CREW LAUGHING)

Let's see if we can stand.

(KIRK GROANING)

Oh, wow!

I seem to have lost my...

I can't...

Disoriented.

Can't find equilibrium.

Whoa!

Oh maybe I'll just lay here for a little bit.

- Just rest. - Cut!

That's the cut.

(CREW LAUGHING)

- 17. - Mark.

- Taking it in. - What I was trying

to do the last time but it went so fast.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Settle.

CREW MEMBER: Can you put his hand in or somethin'

so I get a start focus mark?

Start focus mark.

Here you are.

(CREW LAUGHING)

CREW MEMBER: Thank you.

I think I got it.

KIRK: You're welcome.

CREW MEMBER: Set.

DIRECTOR: Action!

KIRK: Oh!

Emergency!

(CREW LAUGHING)

DIRECTOR: Cut!

(TAKE BEEPS)

Oh God, I forgot the KY!

(SINGER VOCALIZING) (UPBEAT MUSIC)

I'm waiting.

(CREW LAUGHING)

Oh, someone just climbed the fence.

That must be them.

No, they're going the other way now.

I'm confused.

Where the hell are they?

Wait, are they in Burbank?

That looks like Burbank.

(CREW LAUGHING) (SYMBOLS CRASHING)

DIRECTOR: Cut!

Action!

Hey, everybody, I just sold our merchandising

and licensing rights for 800 large (CHUCKLES).

On the open end, on the front end,

and 50% gross on the long term.

Damn if I don't still have it.

Everybody, we're back on top, boys and girls.

- Oh yeah! - Hey, wait to go!

Boy, I, I never been so shitty in my life.

(CREW LAUGHING)

(TAKE BEEPS)

♪ I'm the girl in the back of the bus sitting quietly ♪

♪ Afraid to mess things up entirely ♪

♪ But I'm tired of hiding who I am from everyone else ♪

♪ I'll just hold my head up high ♪

♪ And lift my eyes up to the sky ♪

♪ After today I'll be incredible ♪

♪ After today I'll be unbelievable ♪

♪ After today no one's gonna push me around ♪

♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪

♪ After today ♪

♪ After today ♪

♪ Does it make you feel better about yourself ♪

♪ When you tear me down ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm rising up ♪

♪ And standing on my own ♪

♪ I'm becoming stronger ♪

♪ You'll see that I've grown ♪

♪ After today I'll be incredible ♪

♪ After today I'll be unbelievable ♪

♪ After today no one's gonna push me around ♪

♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪

♪ After today ♪

♪ After today ♪

("AFTER TODAY")

♪ After today I'll be incredible ♪

♪ After today I'll be unbelievable ♪

♪ After today no one's gonna push me around ♪

♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪

♪ After today ♪

♪ After today ♪

(RECORD SCREECHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

What's goin' on here?

Yo, man, I don't know.

That's why I called you.

All these people are here.

What the hell is goin' on?

- Excuse me, who are you? - I'm Sam Asghari.

It's his house.

This is a closed set.

You're gonna have to leave.

What do you mean we have to leave?

You have to leave.

This is my home jerk-off, get outta here.

Get out, guys.

Get out.

Man, where's the production?

In the back in the garage.

Okay.

Get out, leave.

Yeah, I told you, man.

Sam Asghari, the fitness king,

- Oh yeah. - can I take a selfie?

Sure thing, sure thing, of course.

Yay.

Thank you.

- Yeah, one more. - Okay.

I wanna bear your child.

Get lost before I call the cops.

- I love you! - Leave you guys,

get outta here.

MAN: It's more like ridiculous.

Get, get out guys.

Get out.

MAN: Isolate, isolate!

Social distancing, asshole!

MAN: We're sheltering in place with coronavirus!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(TAKE BEEPS)

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