Original subtitles

That's right. That's right.

Come one, come on. No, don't stop.

Come on. No, no.

No, keep looking.

You don't feel so good now, do you?

See, you let it out. Out!

I'm an idiot, I feel like an idiot.

Not so fast, not so fast. Slower.

Slower.

Good, good.

Keep it specific.

Still a little tension in the mouth, Mac.

Good, good.

Okay, make it work-- Make her work peripherally.

Michael, uh, Dorsey, is it?

Yes, that's right.

Uh, Mr. Dorsey, would you turn to Page 23, please?

Yes, I believe, uh, you mean the first scene--

Uh, sorry, the second scene of the first act.

Second scene of the first act. That's right.

Take your time. Begin when you're ready.

Yes, of course.

Oh, sweetheart, do you know what it was like

waking up in Paris that morning,

seeing the empty pillow where--?

Wait a minute, cover your breasts.

Kevin is downstairs. My God, what are you?

I'm a woman. Not Felicia's mother.

Not Kevin's wife.

Thanks very much, Mr. Dorsey.

We need someone a little older.

Mom, Dad,

Uncle Pete, come quick.

Something's wrong with Biscuit. I think he's dead.

We're looking for someone a little younger.

They have dinner-- Oh, can I just start again?

I just-- I-- I wanna-- I didn't get kicked off right.

The reading was fine. You're just the wrong height.

Oh, I can be taller.

No. We're looking for somebody shorter.

Oh, well, look. I don't-- I don't have to be--

I don't have to be this tall.

See, I'm wearing lifts. I can be shorter.

I know, but really we're looking

for somebody different.

I can be different.

We're looking for somebody else, okay?

What do you feel more deeply about than working?

Well, the part's the most important thing.

But love sometimes is too.

With improvisation, you're the writer.

When somebody writes a play,

they decide where the highs are,

where the lows are, right?

Now, you do it.

And you may not be high

where they're high in the writing.

You may not be low where they're low in the writing.

You may be high on "but."

You may be high on "and."

Of course they were doing it for dough,

the same as everybody does it for dough.

But the question is in the last analysis.

What were they doing for dough?

You and me for dough, we were advancing

our free, little non-Prussian careers.

So when all hell broke loose

and the Germans started running out of soap

and figured, "What the hell?

We might as well cook up Mrs. Greenwald."

Who the hell do you think stopped 'em?!

Pardon me, but is my acting interfering with your talking?

Don't play a part that's not in you.

Don't say "he" or "she," like you did last week

when you were doing Kitty.

Right? When you were doing--

When you were doing Time of Your Life.

If you can't make the part yourself,

then you can't play it.

Sasha.

Quick. Get a priest.

No, Sasha, no priest.

But you're dying, Count Tolstoy.

I know.

In the name of the Father,

of the Son and the Holy Ghost,

I commit your soul to God.

My friends-- That's super, Michael. My friends-- That's super, Michael.

But I wonder if you could move center stage

on that last speech and then die.

Why?

Well, the left side of the house

can't see you at all.

You want me to stand up

and walk to the center of the stage

while I'm dying?

Well, I know it's awkward, but we'll just have to do it.

Why?

I just told you. Now do it.

Because you say so?

Yes, love.

Not with me as Tolstoy.

You gotta-- You gotta work.

You gotta work. There's no excuse for not working.

There's no excuse. There's unemployment.

There was unemployment when I started acting.

There was unemployment when my friends started.

And it's not changed.

You got 90 percent, 95 percent unemployment, right?

It's never gonna change.

You're an actor. You're in New York City.

There is no work.

But you gotta find ways to work.

Two tortellinis, a gazpacho with two house salads, please.

veal chop, medium, two scrods, an order of chicken.

And give me one of those scrods underdone.

What's the veggie on that? Baked potato.

How'd it go today? Terrible.

Did you rewrite the last scene? I did the necktie scene.

How is it? I'm very excited.

It's gonna change theater as we know it.

I hope so. We'll work on it when we get home tonight.

That's my flounder. No, that is my flounder. That's my flounder. No, that is my flounder.

one flounder-- Hey, that's for the customer!

Hey, man, I eat these things once a day

so if the customers say, "Hey, do you eat his food?"

I can say, "Yeah, I eat his food."

You rewrote the necktie scene, right?

Yeah. Good, good, good.

Without the necktie? With the necktie. Without the necktie? With the necktie.

With the necktie? Yeah, with the necktie.

The necktie is what's wrong with your play.

You take the necktie out, you got something.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me? I'll tell you.

What's wrong is it's depressing to be disagreed with.

Ah, it's depression.

Today is your birthday, Michael,

and you haven't mentioned it one bit.

Don't start in with that.

I'm a character actor. Age has no effect on me.

That's good. That's very good.

How does one not be depressed?

Instead of trying

to be Michael Dorsey the great actor,

or Michael Dorsey the great waiter,

why don't you just try to be Michael Dorsey?

I am Michael Dorsey. I don't know what the payoff is.

Well, say it like you mean it.

I am Michael Dorsey. Fine. Okay?

Mmm, good.

Surprise!

Speech. Speech. Speech!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. First a toast.

To Michael Dorsey, who, like it or not,

makes you remember what acting's all about.

Being unemployed!

To Michael, um,

who's been my friend for six years.

Oh, was it that long?

And who is my coach.

And he's just great.

He's a great coach, a great actor.

He's a great guy and--

This is a really dumb speech.

Let's get drunk.

Happy birthday.

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Dear Michael ♪

♪ Happy Birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

Hi, how you doing? I'm Michael.

Michael, Patty.

You an actress? Terrific face. No. You an actress? Terrific face. No.

That's a nice blouse. Who'd you come with?

I don't want a full house at the Winter Garden Theater.

I want 90 people who just came out

of the worst rainstorm in the city's history.

These are people who are alive

on the planet

until they dry off.

I wish I had a theater that was only open when it rained.

Strasberg said you create your own opportunities.

Uta said that. I don't care who said it.

The point is-- Is Sandy and I are raising $8000

to do Jeff's play up in Syracuse.

We're gonna do it.

You could do the same thing, it's a great country.

Look at Emily. Look who's here.

You can do it in the Poconos, you can do it in Jersey.

You're sitting around, saying, "I can't work."

Create your own-- Michael?

What? Isn't she cute?

Yeah, you create your own-- He loves children. Yeah, you create your own-- He loves children.

He really does. You make it, you make it.

You find a way to raise it.

I was lookin' at you from over there.

Terrific face. Are you an actr-- You are an an actress.

Sometimes, yeah. You were in Dames at Sea.

Yeah. You saw that? Good work. Really. Yeah. You saw that? Good work. Really.

You have a great singing voice.

Oh, thank you.

I felt there was an aura between us when I saw it.

I'm not kidding.

I don't know you, but I know you.

I'll tell you about yourself. What's that? I'll tell you about yourself. What's that?

You like to run barefoot on the beach.

Now, why--? Why are you so wired?

It's my birthday. I haven't worked in two years.

That's it? Nothing more?

Yeah, it hurts me.

Be the last one to take your coat off my bed tonight.

Really, we'll just talk. Sure. Okay. Fine. All right. Really, we'll just talk. Sure. Okay. Fine. All right.

Will you? Serious? Yeah, yeah.

Give me a hug.

Thank you for liking me.

I don't like it when people come up to me and say:

"I really dug your message, man."

Or, "I really dug your play, man.

I cried."

You know?

I like it when people come up to me

the next day,

or a week later, and they say,

"I saw your play.

What happened?"

Look, I've got it under control.

I'm gonna jump in a cab,

feed my cats and be back in an hour.

No, you don't understand. I can't make it.

My roommate wants to work on the third act.

You can't make it? He doesn't-- He wants to work.

Give me your number, I'll call you.

I already did. Oh, I thought you changed it. I already did. Oh, I thought you changed it.

Since an hour ago? Oh, no, you didn't.

That's a good point.

Let me talk to him, he's upset. I'll call you.

God.

Didn't anybody hear me? No, I guess not.

I've been trapped in that bathroom for half an hour.

What kind of a party is this?

God, you guys are having a good time, huh?

Mm-hm.

Sorry.

I'll have to remember that if I ever do a scene

where I'm trapped someplace. Yeah.

It's nice, Michael. It's nice, Michael.

Thanks.

Who is that?

It's Mallory. She's married to John.

Oh, yeah.

I did a thing about suicides

of the American Indian.

And nobody cared. Nobody showed.

And I think the American Indian

is as American

as John and Ethel Barrymore

and, uh, Donny and Marie Osmond.

I think it's really sad,

but I think that, nowadays,

when people dream,

they don't even dream in their own country anymore.

And that's sick.

No, I had a good time.

I just didn't know half the people.

Well, it was late,

and I wanted it to be a surprise.

I invited 10 people. They all invited 10 people.

You met about 40 new people and I think they all liked you.

I heard nice things about you. Thanks. I heard nice things about you. Thanks.

You got new friends now. Thanks, Jeff.

Good night. Happy birthday, Mike.

Thank you, Sam, you're one of the five people I knew.

Great party. Thank you.

Bye.

Oh.

Excuse me, Miss Right? Miss Right?

Well, good night, Michael. It was a wonderful party.

My date left with someone else.

I had a lot of fun. Do you have any Seconal?

Come on, I'll take you home.

I did have a good time. I really did, Michael.

No, you didn't. Yes, I-- No, you didn't. Yes, I--

I didn't bring enough money for cab fare.

That's okay. It's cheaper to get mugged.

Let's walk. Sure?

The fares are really insane now anyway.

Why didn't you have a good time?

I did have a good time.

What's wrong? Nothing's wrong. What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.

What? What?

Nothing. I-- Nothing. I just-- I'm perfectly fine.

I just cry like this, like a tic.

Will you tell me what's wrong, or I'll kill ya.

Nothing's wrong, Michael. I'm really very up.

You're worried about your audition tomorrow.

No, I'm not. Why? No, I'm not. Why?

Because I'm not gonna get it. Why not?

'Cause I'm completely wrong for it.

Why? What kind of a part is it?

A woman.

You don't have a man, so you wanna act like one.

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster. I'm proud of being a woman.

All right, Sandy, wait a minute.

This guy treats you like dirt

because you're a woman and he's a big doctor, right?

But you don't have to take that.

You can talk to him on his level.

Show me me what you mean. You're wrong, doctor-- Show me me what you mean. You're wrong, doctor--

You're doing a Southern accent?

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster.

I'm very proud of being a woman.

See, I can't do it as good as you.

Yes, you can. Just turn the tables on him.

Come on, now, will you?

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster.

I'm very proud of being a woman. Where am I off?

I don't know what you're playing.

Well, I'm playing rage. I'm enraged.

You told me to turn the tables on him

and I'm playing rage.

This is rage? This is rage?

I have a problem with anger.

Yeah, you certainly do. But there's 100 other actresses

reading for this part who don't have a problem with anger,

who aren't afraid of working, who aren't afraid

to stick everything on the line and do it.

Well, don't get mad at me. Well, stop being a doormat!

I'm not a doormat!

Act right now. Do it.

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster. I am--

Go on.

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster--

What do I have to do, hit you with a stick?

You're wrong, Dr. Brewster. I am very proud to be a woman.

And I'm proud of this hospital.

And before I see it destroyed by your petty tyrannies--

Have the anger. Don't show it to me.

I'll recommend that you be thrown out into the street.

Don't lose it, now. Good day, Dr. Brewster. Don't lose it, now. Good day, Dr. Brewster.

Don't whine like a second-rate actress.

I said, good day!

Not bad, pretty good.

Did you feel how much I hated you?

Yeah. Did you really? You felt it?

Yeah, that's why I'm going.

How am I gonna get it back tomorrow?

How am I gonna get a total stranger to enrage me?

All right, I'll pick you up at 10:00 and enrage you.

Bruce Fortune to Telecine.

Bruce Fortune to Telecine.

Uh, Bennett? Right here. Uh, Bennett? Right here.

Stanz?

I'm supposed to look like this?

That is what you look like. Not funny.

Good. Don't lose that anger.

No sequins, Alfred.

She's attending her husband's funeral.

Jacqui? As soon as Ron gets here, hm? In.

Um, Lester.

Lester. Sandy Lester?

Yes, here.

Stop it.

Julie Nichols, Makeup, please.

Bye-bye. Good morning, ladies.

Please bring your résumés and follow me.

Okay, wish me luck.

Fuck you. Thank you.

Fuck you. Go. Thank you. Fuck you. Go. Thank you.

God bless you.

Here-- Here, you'll recognize

some of your favorite characters from Southwest General,

including John Van Horn,

who has played the venerable Dr. Medford Brewster

since the very first episode aired some 20 years ago.

Now, if you'll follow me, we'll head into Studio B,

where the episodes are actually taped.

Andrew Donovan, report to Wardrobe, please.

I didn't get it.

What? They wouldn't even let me read.

What do you mean, they wouldn't let you read?

They wouldn't let me read. I wasn't right physically.

They want somebody tougher. So I'm going home.

Okay, I'll walk you.

To San Diego?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about I'm going home.

I'm getting out of here. I hate it here.

God. I'm 34 years old. I paid $24 for these glasses.

All I do is buy things-- I wanna be a waitress.

I wasn't gonna resort to this, but you're gonna read.

I don't want to really-- Shh, shh, shh.

Excuse me, is Terry Bishop working today?

No, he's no longer with the show.

Mr. Bishop is rehearsing The Iceman Cometh

for Broadway. He's what?!

He's rehearsing The Iceman Cometh for Broadway.

That was-- That was my part. I was supposed to be up--

I'll be-- I-I gotta see somebody.

Don't do anything rash.

D-- Will he be back?

Excuse me, is George Fields in?

Yes, he is.

Now, wait a minute. You can't just go in there.

Michael, he's tied up right now.

I swear.

Hang on. Will you wait outside? I'm talking to the Coast.

This is a coast too, George. New York is a coast too.

Oh, boy.

Sy, are you--? Sy?

God-- Look what you-- Margaret? Margaret?

Get him back, will ya? I cut myself off.

Now, what is it, Michael?

Terry Bishop is doing Iceman Cometh.

Didn't you promise to send me up for that?

Am I wrong? Didn't you tell me I'd get a reading for that?

Michael-- Aren't you my agent?

Stuart Pressman wants a name.

Terry Bishop is a name? Michael Dorsey is a name.

When you wanna send a steak back,

Michael Dorsey is a name.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

You always do this to me.

It was a rotten thing to say, and I know it.

Let me start over again.

Terry Bishop is on a soap.

Millions of people watch him every day.

And that qualifies him to ruin Iceman Cometh?

You know I can act circles around that guy.

I already played that part in Minneapolis.

If Pressman wants a name, that's his affair.

This is gonna disgust you,

but a lot of people are in this to make money.

Don't make me out as a flake. I'm in it to make money too.

Really? Yes.

Harlem Theater for the Blind?

Strindberg in the Park? People's Workshop at Syracuse?

Wait a minute. I did nine plays in eight months up at Syracuse.

I happened to get great reviews from the critics.

Not that that's why I did it.

God forbid you should lose your standing as a cult failure.

You think I'm a failure, George?

I will not get sucked into this conversation, Michael.

I will not. Okay.

I sent you a play to read, that my roommate wrote.

It had a great part in it for me. Did you read it?

Where the hell do you come off

sending me your roommate's play for you to star in?

I'm your agent, not your mother.

I'm not supposed to find plays for you to star in.

I field offers. And that's what I do.

Field offers? Who told you that?

The agent fairy? That was a significant work.

I could be terrific in that part.

Nobody's gonna do that play. Why? Nobody's gonna do that play. Why?

Because it's a downer, that's why.

Nobody wants to produce a play about a couple

that move back to Love Canal.

That actually happened. Who gives a shit?! That actually happened. Who gives a shit?!

Nobody wants to watch people living next to chemical waste.

They can see that in New Jersey.

I don't wanna argue about it.

I'm gonna raise $8000 myself so I can produce his play.

And I want you to send me up for anything. I don't care.

I will do dog commercials on television.

I will do radio voice-overs.

I can't put you up for that. Why not?

Because no one will hire you.

That's not true. I bust my ass to get a part right.

Yes, and you bust everybody else's ass too.

A guy's got four weeks to put on a play.

You think he wants to sit and argue about whether Tolstoy

can walk when he's dying or walk when he's talking--?

Please. That was two years ago, and that guy is an idiot.

They can't all be idiots. You argue with everybody.

You've got one of the worst reputations in this town,

Michael.

Nobody will hire you.

Are you saying that nobody in New York will work with me?

That's too limiting. Nobody in Hollywood will either.

I can't even get you a commercial.

You played a tomato for 30 seconds.

They went over schedule 'cause you wouldn't sit down.

Yes, it wasn't logical.

You were a tomato! A tomato doesn't have logic.

A tomato can't move.

That's what I said.

So if he can't move, how's he gonna sit down?

I was a standup tomato. A juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato.

Nobody does vegetables like me.

I did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway.

I did the best tomato, the best cucumber.

I did an endive salad

that knocked the critics on their ass.

Michael, I--

I'm trying to stay calm here.

You, uh, are a wonderful actor.

Thank you.

But you're too much trouble.

Get some therapy.

Okay, thanks.

I'm gonna raise $8000, and I'm gonna do Jeff's play.

Michael, you're not gonna raise 25 cents.

No one will hire you.

Oh, yeah?

Dorothy Michaels?

Yes.

George Fields your agent?

Yes. Okay, ladies. Yes. Okay, ladies.

Please bring your pages and follow me.

Rita, this line, "You have every right to happiness."

I hate it. Cut it.

This is Dorothy Michaels. Our director, Ron Carlysle.

Oh, hi. That's our producer, Rita Marshall.

Dorothy didn't bring a résumé, but George Fields is her agent.

Mm-hm. That's very impressive.

Gosh, I'm afraid you're not right for this role.

I'm-- I'm sorry. Thanks for coming by.

Why? Page 205,

do you want Camera 1 or 2 on that?

Camera 2, and tell Art.

Why am I not right, Mr. Carlysle?

Well, I'm just trying to make a certain statement here

and I'm-- I'm looking for a specific physical type.

Mr. Carlysle, I'm an actress. I'm a character actress.

I can play this part any way you want.

Honey, I'm sure you're a very good actress.

It's just that you're too soft and genteel.

You're not threatening enough. Not threatening enough?

You take your hands off me

or I'll knee your balls through the roof of your mouth.

Is that enough of a threat?

It's a start.

I think I know what you really want.

You want some gross caricature of a woman.

To prove some idiotic point

like-- Like power makes a woman masculine

or masculine women are ugly.

Well, shame on the woman that lets you do that.

Any woman that lets you do that.

And that means you, dear. Miss Marshall.

Shame on you, you macho shithead.

Jesus.

What is idiotic about power making a woman masculine?

Not that that was my point. I--

Miss Michaels, just a minute.

Nancy Wiser to Video...

Was that for real in there or were you auditioning?

Which answer will get me a reading, Miss Marshall?

Well, good for you.

Come.

Miss Michaels.

Yes. Oh, thank you.

You really think she's worth testing for this, huh?

She told me no director

had ever communicated a part to her

so fast.

She said that?

Mm-hm.

I like her... accent.

Hi.

H--

Hi.

I gotta get these pages back in order quick.

They'll never know the difference.

I'm a little nervous. I'm a little nervous.

Just think of them as something friendly.

What? Like a firing squad. What? Like a firing squad.

Okay, Miss Michaels,

we're gonna do a little camera test now.

Yes.

Let me have a right profile, Camera 1.

Camera 3, give me a left profile.

What side?

Left side.

Which way for your left?

What?

Is that my left or your left?

Wait a minute. What are you talking about? My left.

Your left.

Miss Michaels, nobody's talking to you.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you wanted my profile.

Not so close on Camera 3.

Camera 3, back off.

I'd like to make her look a little more attractive.

How far can you pull back?

How do you feel about Cleveland?

Knock it off. That's good right there, Herbie. Knock it off. That's good right there, Herbie.

Dorothy, honey, we're gonna try one. Okay?

Yes.

Now, let me see exactly what you showed us a while ago.

Cue her, Jo.

I know the kind of woman you are, Emily.

You're getting older, you've never been married.

You don't have a man, so you want to act like one.

All right, just shut your mouth right now.

When you talk to me, you talk to me professionally.

You don't get personal.

That is totally inappropriate behavior.

I'm very proud of being a woman, Dr. Brewster.

I'm very proud of this hospital, and you should be too.

And I must tell you,

that before I let it be destroyed

by your petty tyrannies,

by your callous inhumanities, sir,

I'm going to recommend

to the board that you be turned out into the street.

Now, good day, Dr. Brewster.

I said, good day, sir.

Thank you. Uh, hold it a minute.

Tough cookie.

Well, I gave her that direction.

Something more, though.

Boy, I don't know. It's your decision,

but there's something about her that bothers me.

Does it bother you?

I like it.

We'll send the contracts

over to George today, Miss Michaels.

Excuse me. I wonder if you could help me.

I'm looking for the Russian Tea Room.

This is the Russian Tea Room.

Right here. You're standing in front of it.

Oh, well, my stars. So it is.

Well, this is very embarrassing.

Yeah, well, this is it.

Thanks very much.

Hi.

Good afternoon, Mr. Fields.

Nice to see you. Please sit down.

Thank you.

The waiter will be here in just a minute.

George, how are you?

Hey, Ronnie. How are you?

Hi. Wait a minute. Wait--

I'm new in town, and I'm awfully lonely.

I wonder if you wouldn't mind buying me lunch.

You can't come-- Gregory, this woman-- Agh!

Shh! Don't. It's okay. Shh! Don't. It's okay.

George. George. George.

It's Michael Dorsey, okay?

Your favorite client.

How are you?

Last job you got me was a tomato.

Oh, no, no, no-- Yeah.

Swear to God.

Michael? Yeah.

Oh, God.

I begged you to get therapy.

I know. And you also told me no one would ever hire me.

Jesus Christ. You think this will make a difference?

I got a soap, George.

I'm the new woman administrator on Southwest General.

Congratulate me. They thought I almost looked too feminine.

Something from the bar? Isn't that amazing?

Please, could you get me a double vodka right away, please?

For the lady? Oh. For the lady? Oh.

Ahem. How about a Dubonnet with a twist?

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you. Lovely blouse. Thank you.

Welcome.

You're not gonna get away with this.

I got away with it. Look around.

I don't believe this. Why not?

I mean, I believe it.

I just don't believe anybody else will.

Wanna bet? Don't sit--

George.

Hi, Phil. You know Joel Spector. Hi, Phil. You know Joel Spector.

Hello, Joel. How are you?

Hi.

Uh, I talked to Stuart-- I talked to him yesterday.

He'll-- He'll be, uh, one more week in London.

Then he, uh-- Then he definitely, uh--

I missed you. Then he definitely-- I missed you. Then he definitely--

You're such a tickly-wickly.

You never been that ticklish before.

We go back years.

We haven't been introduced.

Hi. Joel Spector.

Joel. I'm sorry. Phil Weintraub.

Sorry. This is Michael-- So rude. Sorry. This is Michael-- So rude.

Dorothy Michaels. Nice to meet you.

May I say, Mr. Weintraub,

that you are the best director--

Producer. Sorry. Producer. Sorry.

Producer on the Broadway scene today.

Thank you. Thank you, Miss Michaels.

Hope to see you again.

Yes, let's have lunch.

Fine. I'll call you.

He's very handsome. You ought to represent him.

You are psychotic.

No, I'm not. I'm employed.

♪ I got the whole world-- ♪ Don't, don't. ♪ I got the whole world-- ♪ Don't, don't.

I'm not gonna make fun of you.

Don't get close to me.

I want you to loan me $1000 till payday.

For what? For what? For what?

I gotta have something to wear besides this.

I won't let you not buy it.

It's the most becoming dress you've had on.

I think it makes me look dumpy.

That's because you're wearing ankle straps.

Believe me, with a few alterations--

Yoo-hoo! Taxi. Taxi. Taxi.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What are you doing? I was here first.

What a nerve!

Thank you.

Those women were like animals.

I saw this beautiful handbag that was on sale.

But I was too frightened to fight for it.

I mean, they're vicious. They kill their own.

The woman that finally bought this handbag, I know, did time.

Now I don't have a decent handbag.

See this laundry? You know what it costs?

And the makeup? I don't know how a woman

could keep herself attractive and not starve.

Can I have more cottage cheese?

Is this the one you wore today?

Oh, yeah. I gotta set that before I go to bed.

Easy, easy, easy. Please. I'm dieting. Please.

I gotta get up at 4:30, do a close shave.

I called the studio and told 'em I do my own makeup

'cause I have an allergy.

Mike, I really appreciate your doing this,

but it is just for the money, isn't it?

It's not just so you can wear these little outfits?

I'm not even gonna answer that.

It also happens to be one of the great acting challenges

an actor could have.

You know what

my real problem is, though?

Cramps.

No, not cramps.

Sandy.

How can I tell her they cast a man instead of her?

She gets suicidal at a birthday party.

Don't tell her.

Where am I gonna say I got the money from?

What am I going to do?

Tell her somebody died

and left it to me?

Oh, my God, when did she die?

Last week. Of what?

A disease.

Gee, what a coincidence. Mm-hm. Gee, what a coincidence. Mm-hm.

I mean, your needing $8000 and her dying

and leaving you exactly that much.

Isn't it? It's-- Well... Isn't it? It's-- Well...

All right, kid.

Oh, it's mine?

Start learning your lines.

I'm excited!

This is the greatest part!

I want to take you to dinner,

get dressed. Really?

Yeah, it's about time we celebrated something.

To Return to the Love Canal.

Come on, hurry up.

I'll jump in the shower, I'll take five minutes.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Why, yes.

Yeah.

Hmm.

You know, we can stay here if you want to, and--

What are you doing?!

Ooh, God! Ooh, I'm...

Michael...

Sandy, I want you.

You want me?

I want you.

Will I ever see you again?

What? Sandy, we've known each other for six years.

I know. But sex changes things.

I mean, I've had relationships where I know a guy

and then I have sex with him,

and then I bump into him someplace

and he acts like I loaned him money.

Well, that's not me, okay? I'll call you tomorrow.

Michael, I know there's pain in every relationship.

I would just like to have my pain now, okay?

I mean, otherwise, I'll just wait by the phone.

And then if you don't call,

I'll have pain and wait by the phone.

It's a waste of time.

All right, let's make it definite. Dinner tomorrow.

♪ Hey Ain't we met someplace? ♪

♪ What a face Whoever you are ♪

♪ Big brown eyes Winking back at me ♪

♪ I can see We're gonna go far ♪

♪ Go, Tootsie girl ♪

♪ Roll, baby, roll ♪

♪ Sweet Tootsie roll ♪

Psst, psst, psst.

Mom?

What do you think? Hurry. I'm late.

Turn around.

Smile. Say something.

How do you do, Jeff? It's nice to meet you.

You look very nice. Nice.

But the hair's not right.

No, it's kind of high, you got a Howard Johnson's thing.

Well, do something. I can't be late my first day.

Come on. Well... Come on. Well...

Easy, easy! Oh, it's not your head.

Okay? Let's see. Okay? Let's see.

Well, it works.

But what?

Don't play hard to get.

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Okay, hey, thanks a lot.

Come on, now, let's go.

Hi. Uh, Dorothy Michaels. Southwest General.

Oh, yeah, Miss Michaels.

That's, uh, TV 2. Straight ahead, first right.

Thank you. Is that clock right?

Right on the money. I couldn't get a cab. Right on the money. I couldn't get a cab.

Hi, Bobby. This is Miss Michaels.

You'll be in Room 4, Miss Michaels,

and we'll need you on set in about 15 minutes.

Right.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hi.

Oh, that's-- Oh, jeez.

Oh, it's quite all right.

Uh, I'm April Paige. How you doing? You okay?

My, what a nice-looking table.

Really?

Yes, it's very smooth.

And that's a very good idea. A-- A socket for a plug.

Yeah, well, we got everything.

Yes, I see.

Just push all that stuff out of the way.

Make yourself at home, okay?

♪ Dum-de-dum-de-dum ♪

Yes?

One more thing, Miss Michaels. I forgot to give you these.

Thank you. Mm-hm. Thank you. Mm-hm.

Oh, are these for today? Yes.

Ah, they always throw stuff at you in the last minute.

You could lose your mind around here.

My goodness. What's wrong?

I have to kiss Dr. Brewster.

Oh, yeah, he kisses all the women on the show.

We call him "The Tongue."

Okay, quickly, now.

Now, the tubes have pulled out of Rick's nose.

Uh, Julie, there's been an alert at your station.

Uh, Rick, get on the floor.

That's-- That's why the tubes pulled out.

When Julie starts stuffing the tubes back up your nose,

you grab her, and I mean hard.

Right. In his condition? Right. In his condition?

Absolutely, he's been out of his mind

since he fell through the ice.

Also, Rick, you're delirious. You think she's Anthea.

Mr. Carlysle, I-- Jesus Christ!

I wonder if we could have a little more hammering here?

Now, when, uh-- When you grab her,

maybe you even say, "Anthea, Anthea."

Yeah, that's good.

Is my violin here somewhere in the room?

No, your violin sunk. It's at the bottom of the lake.

Now, Lisa, I wanna make...

The violin fell through the ice?

He was playing during the thaw.

Oh.

You're Dorothy Michaels, aren't you?

Yes. I'm John Van Horn.

We're up next.

Now, Julie, honey, when he grabs you,

you've-- You've got to be torn here, to struggle.

Because you know you've got to get

those tubes stuck back up his nose.

At the same time, you realize that you're in the arms of a man

whose music was-- Was everything to Anthea.

It was her whole life.

I mean, this is a man who stood by you after Ted's breakdown.

Bernie, get me a bagel and cream cheese, will you?

Julie, you want anything?

No, no. She's fine, thanks.

So it's-- It's a struggle,

but you're struggling with yourself as well,

do you understand?

And I lose, right?

Oh, baby. Get down here a minute.

Now, then, Rick, it says when she--

When she comes down to her knees...

it inflames your desire.

God knows, it always inflames my desire.

Okay, Big John.

Dorothy, come in here. I wanted to--

This is Dorothy Michaels, the new hospital administrator.

Hi. Hello, Dorothy.

Hi. We met the other day. Julie Nichols, hospital slut.

Oh, no. Heh. Now, Mr. Carlysle--

Now, sweetheart, I'm sorry,

but we have so little time, we can't even rehearse.

Now, what I'm gonna do is just show you your marks

and then we're gonna go straight to tape, all right?

Big John, you'll enter from here, obviously,

you see them struggling,

you cross to right here and then you cry loudly,

"Nurse Charles, are you insane?"

Yes, I see. Uh, will it be on the TelePrompTer? "Loudly"?

Yeah. And who do I say that to? Yeah. And who do I say that to?

Nurse Charles.

See, I-- I thought when Dr. Brewster--

You will enter from here, you cross over to this mark.

Yes, I know my mark. But I thought when I--

The corridor scene will be played right here. Okay?

Yes, I know.

See, I just wanted to ask concerning the doctor--

Places, please. Stand by, tape is rolling.

Five, four, three...

Anthea!

Oh, Anthea!

Three's up. One twenty-five.

Oh, Anthea, Anthea...

I have to get these tubes in your nose.

Nurse Charles! Are you insane?!

I'm Emily Kimberly, the new hospital administrator.

Nurse Charles, what on earth is going on here, dear?

Help me get her to her feet, Miss Kimberly.

One's up. John's going. One's up. John's going.

Anthea... Oh!

Nurse Charles, tend to your patient

and faint on your own time, is that clear?

Yes, Miss-- Kimberly.

Dr. Brewster?

You and I must talk.

Rita, you want to keep rolling?

It's okay, it's okay. The girl saved it.

You haven't changed at all, Emily.

Oh, but I have, Medford.

You know, Emily, there's no reason

for us to be in opposite camps.

We can rule Southwest General together.

I admire people with power.

Women with power, especially.

Oh, my God, she hit him on the head.

Rita, she hit him over the head.

...and then not consider it a threat?

I'm afraid, Dr. Brewster, that you have underestimated me.

If you want to win me over,

you'll have to deal with my mind...

and not my lips.

Cut it. And stop tape.

I was supposed to kiss her.

Mr. Carlysle, it was just an instinct.

I can't remember what you said to me

about my character being more threatening.

It was a good instinct. It would've been mine.

Wait a minute, I'll handle the instincts here.

Now, it happened to be a very good instinct, toots.

But next time you want to change something,

you discuss it with me first.

Do you understand? Oh-- Uh...

Yes. I was-- I was wrong not to.

Good girl. Okay.

Big John, wonderful. Wonderful.

All right, people.

Item seven. In the corridor.

Thanks for catching me.

Oh, sure. You saved my ass. Literally.

Dorothy. Yes?

I just want to say I loved what you did in our scene.

Thank you. Welcome aboard! Thank you. Welcome aboard!

Well, you know, you were good too--

Mm-- Mm-hm.

Can I have your autograph?

I've been watching the show forever.

You're so great.

Wonderful. Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Miss Nichols,

that was an exhilarating first day.

Come on! Tell me about it next week. Come on! Tell me about it next week.

Well, good night.

Julie, come on, baby.

Oh, can we drop you somewhere?

Maybe you'd like to join us for a drink.

No, thanks. I feel like walking.

Okay, bye.

She's really a very, very attractive girl.

And she's no dummy, either.

But for the life of me,

I cannot understand what she's doing

hanging around with that director.

He treats her like she's just, uh...

nothing. I think you're right.

I'm gonna rewrite the necktie scene without the necktie.

I don't like the way he condescends to me, either.

Calls me "sweetheart," calls me "honey."

He doesn't even know my name. Calls her "baby."

He pushed me around today.

If I didn't have the dress on,

I would have kicked his arrogant ass in.

How'd you ever end up communicating with this guy?

Well, he told me what he wanted.

I didn't agree with him, I didn't say anything.

I did it the way I wanted. He bawled me out.

I apologized to him. That was that.

I think--

I think Dorothy's smarter than I am.

I just wish I looked prettier, you know?

I look in the mirror, and...

Maybe I can just get a softer...

hair or something, 'cause she deserves it.

Don't-- Don't answer that!

Why not?

No, because it could be for Dorothy. Please.

Why did you give them this number?

I had to, the show has to contact

in case they change the schedule.

I'll answer it and find out.

I don't want them to think Dorothy is living with a man.

That's wrong for her.

It could be for me, this could be important.

You answer as Dorothy. I can't. Whatif it's Sandy?

What if it's Diane, how do I explain there's a woman here?

All right, I'll get a service tomorrow.

You know, when you were playing Cyrano

and you stuck a saber underneath my armpit through the couch,

you know, I didn't say anything.

When you were hopping around, ranting about your hump,

saying this was a bell tower, I didn't say anything.

But I don't see any reason why I should just sit here,

pretending I'm not home

just because you're not that kind of girl.

That's weird.

Where are you going?

I'm going to Diane's.

That way if anybody wants to reach me,

including Diane, you know, they can talk to me.

What do you think I'm doing this for?

For you, for the play, for Sandy--

I told you to give me the pain yesterday, Michael.

Sandy, I'm sorry. I-- I can't talk long.

I just don't have the energy. I think I have a virus.

I didn't forget. I just may have the flu.

Oh, Michael. Do you have a fever?

I think so. How much?

I don't know. Oh, my God. I don't know. Oh, my God.

Go right to bed and take two aspirin

and bundle up and sweat and drink plenty of liquids.

And above all, take 1000 units of vitamin C

every hour with milk only.

Did you give Melanie an overdose on purpose?

I don't know. I don't write the shit, you know.

Don't be so hard on Dr. Brewster.

He's only mean because he's so insecure.

Well, I have to be tough on him 'cause he just wants my body.

Dorothy, you're so bad.

You know, you look just the way you look.

Oh, well, thank you.

You know, you're v-very attractive too.

Dorothy? I want you to meet my dad, Les.

Well, Julie-- Well, it's nice to meet you.

I feel as though I know you already.

Well, you know, I just love your daughter to pieces.

I can't write any clearer than I can write, man.

It's in English. Wait a minute.

What do you think of those?

For Sandy?

No, for me, for Dorothy.

I mean, not exactly, but that kind of idea.

It's a little overstated.

Really? Wait a minute.

Jeez...

That's her.

Nurse Charles! Shh!

You got it. Thursday, what time?

Eight-thirty.

I will not forget. Okay, bye-bye.

Things have been so much better

since you came to Southwest General.

We're all so grateful to you. For? We're all so grateful to you. For?

For your help and advice.

Well, I really think of--

you all as my-- My daughters.

What kind of mother would I be if I didn't give my girls tits?

Tips. It's "tips."

Tips.

I think you'll find you picked

the wrong man to challenge, Miss Kimberly.

It was you who put--

Look at me when I talk to you, Dr. Brewster.

I don't trust a man who won't meet my eye.

I don't trust it in a bank teller,

I don't trust it in an insurance salesman.

And I certainly don't trust it in a chief surgeon.

It was you who provoked this confrontation, sir.

You're an incredibly insensitive woman, Miss Kimberly.

Stop thinking of me as a woman, Medford,

and start thinking of me as a person.

That's what Southwest General is made of: people.

Oh.

And have Nurse Charles see me immediately.

Okay, one, push in for a close-up.

Not too close!

Okay, hold it there.

And cut it!

Stop tape.

Dorothy, it was wonderful the way you held my face.

You controlled me completely. I felt your power.

Well, thank you, John, but you had some great moments.

Hold it. Hold it. Good news, children.

Our brilliant engineering staff has once again

erased an entire reel of the show.

So we have to re-tape 14, 15 and 16.

Hey, it's either that or do it live tomorrow.

I think we should tape it, don't you?

Okay, that's a wrap.

See you bright and early, 6:30 tomorrow.

Good night, Dorothy. Good night, Ben.

Helen Bowman, your car is waiting at the north entrance.

That's some day, huh?

What? Oh, you mean about doing it over again.

Uh, tell me, does that happen often?

Every once in a while.

You know, we actually had to do it live once.

Live.

You should have seen Van Horn's face.

Of course, you couldn't see Van Horn's face

'cause he was so panicked

we had to shoot him from the back.

Want some wine?

No, thanks. I better be getting on home.

I have to wash my hair. Thanks, anyway.

Dorothy? Yes. Dorothy? Yes.

Listen, I know this is exactly what you want to hear right now,

but we've got 26 pages tomorrow, and I was just wondering

if you could find it in your heart to come over

and run some lines with me tonight.

But I could make you something to eat.

Uh, night, Fay.

I'm a born defroster.

What do you mean, you don't have a thing to wear?

She's seen me in all these.

She hasn't seen you in the white thing.

What, this? Yeah.

You cannot wear white to a casual dinner.

It's too dressy.

You couldn't wear pants?

No, no. Pants? I can't.

What about this thing?

I don't have the right shoes for it.

The horizontal lines make me look hippy,

a-and it cuts me across the bust.

I think we're getting into a weird area here.

This is smart. What about this?

Well, you look like you should be ringing a school bell.

This may seem silly to you, but this is our first date.

I just want to look pretty for her.

Hi. Hi. What a pretty outfit.

Well, I'm glad you like it. Come on in.

Thank you. I brought you something.

Oh, Dorothy, you didn't have to do that.

It was nothing.

Come on in. I'll put 'em in some water.

Oh, what a big apartment. Yeah.

And what a lovely, lovely room.

Is it?

Yes, it's yummy.

I had a decorator do it.

Before the show, no money. Since the show, no time.

Amy is asleep. Finally. Oh! Oh...

You scared the daylights out of me.

Miss Nichols, that child is never

gonna learn anything if you keep--

Thank you, Mrs. Crawley.

Dorothy Michaels, Mrs. Crawley.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Nice meeting you. Nice to meet you.

She scares the shit out of me.

Scared me to death.

Drop your coat here.

Who is it?

Amy's nanny.

And she hates me.

Who's Amy?

My daughter. Oh...

She was 14 months old last week.

I didn't know you had a baby.

Oh? Heh.

You got any kids, Dorothy?

Oh. Oh, no, no.

Mm-mm.

Were you ever married?

Well-- Uh, no, I-- I haven't been that fortunate.

I was engaged once, though, to a brilliant young actor

whose career, unfortunately, was cut short

by the insensitivity of the theatrical establishment.

They killed him?

In a manner of speaking, uh-huh.

Sutton, uh, gave up acting and me as well.

He's working now as a waiter in a disreputable restaurant.

I don't want to talk about it.

Maybe you'd like a little wine?

No, I think I better keep sharp when we work, you know?

You mind if I ask you a question?

Hm?

Do you worry about using so much heavy makeup

on your skin all the time?

No, I don't worry. Ha-ha.

I have a little...

mustache problem I'm a little sensitive to.

Probably just too many male hormones or something.

Well, some men find that attractive.

I know, I know.

I just don't like the men that find it attractive.

Uh, I take it you're divorced?

Oh, no, I've never been married.

Perhaps I'll just have one little drink.

Tell me about Ron.

How much time you got?

Go on.

Well, Ron... Hm.

Ron is, hands down,

the best director of daytime drama.

Oh, did they tell you not to call it a soap yet?

Uh-uh.

There was a time when anybody called it a soap opera

in front of a civilian, Rita would fine 'em a quarter.

That's how she bought a Mercedes.

You're not telling me about you and Ron.

That's nighttime drama.

He's interesting there too.

Oh, you mean, he's...

Y-you mean, you have a good relationship.

I don't know. What's a good relationship, Dotty?

Oh. Can I call you Dotty?

Oh, please do.

Ron's smart, and he's funny.

We got some things in common.

Listen, do you know any guy who's interested in a woman

who wants her dinner at 4,

is unconscious by 9 and goes to work at dawn?

But how does he treat you?

Ah, there's that.

Well, listen, you don't think I'd do this without a plan?

What do you mean?

There are a lot of men out there.

I'm selective. I look around very carefully.

And when I find the one I think can give me the worst time,

that's when I make my move.

All my lines sound like subtitles for a Czech movie.

Listen, try answering as if the question

took you by complete surprise. What do you mean? took you by complete surprise. What do you mean?

I'm gonna ask a question. You just answer it.

Okay.

Why do you drink so much?

When you grow up the way I did,

an orphan raised by a sister 16 years older--

Mm-hm.

you've got few illusions.

There you go.

Did it make a difference?

Yes. You got it.

Ah, thanks, Dorothy.

Why do you drink so much?

'Cause it's not fattening and it's not good for me.

How many things can you say that about?

You're telling me that I should mind my own business?

I just don't think you should worry about it.

I mean, it's nice of you, but--

But I should mind my own business.

Okay.

I mean, it's all so complicated, isn't it?

What? All of it.

Truthfully, don't you find being a woman in the '80s complicated?

Oh, extremely.

You know what I wish, just once?

What?

That a guy could be honest enough

just to walk right up to me and say,

"Hey, listen. You know, I'm confused about this too.

"I could lay a big line on you.

"We could do a lot of role-playing,

"but the simple truth is I find you very interesting

and I'd really like to make love with you."

Simple as that.

Wouldn't that be a relief?

Heaven.

Sheer heaven.

Ron was supposed to come over last night.

I had dinner all ready for him.

He never showed up.

Oh, my Lord. What time is it?

It's 10:30.

I gotta go.

Uh, listen, uh, forgive me for rushing off like this.

It was a wonderful dinner.

The dinner is burned.

I'm sorry I'm late.

But, listen, I-I was taking a shower

and-- And, really, the water turned off,

and I got soap in my eyes and slipped.

And I had to go to five different stores

to get your favorite flavor: chocolate-chocolate chip.

Michael, I saw her.

What are you talking about? You saw who?

When you were so late, I went by your place.

When? Tonight.

I waited outside and I saw that fat woman

go into your apartment.

Fat woman?

The one in the raincoat.

Oh, that woman! That's a friend of Jeff's.

She came over to help him with the play.

They've known each other for years.

Do you really think she's fat?

Well, it was dark in the stairway,

but, yes, I thought she was fat.

And since when does Jeff start collaborating on his play?

She's an old friend, happens to be an excellent typist.

Look, Sandy, I'm not having an affair with the woman

that came into my apartment, all right?

It's impossible.

Oh, Michael, I don't want to make trouble.

I never should have people over for dinner.

They never show up.

I'm sorry. I feel guilty. You feel guilty. I'm sorry.

Don't do that, Sandy.

Don't apologize to me because I'm three hours late.

You should be furious.

You've just been so great to me, Michael.

You were so terrific to help me with the audition for that soap.

It's that soap.

Ooh, that soap!

Hm.

By the way, did you see that cow they hired?

Cow? Cow?

They must've gone a different way.

She is awful.

Well, I heard she was pretty good.

Baloney.

She's supposed to be tough, right?

She's not tough. She's a wimp.

Oh, well maybe it's the lines. She doesn't make her own lines.

Well, I think she should.

They couldn't be any worse. Heh-heh.

I can't move out, Miss Kimberly.

I have no place to go.

I don't know what to do.

Don't lie there cringing and tell me your husband beats you,

but you can't move out.

Why should you move? It's your house too.

What is she saying? Three's up. Ready one. What is she saying? Three's up. Ready one.

Do you know what I'd do if somebody did this to me?

Why, if they came around again,

I'd pick up the biggest thing around and I'd just--

Bash their brains right through

the top of their skull

before I'd let them beat me up again.

Uh, well, I can't afford therapy, Miss Kimberly.

Therapy? Who said anything about therapy?

Cut it, Ron. Yeah. Cut it!

Wait a minute. Her line-- Her line is "Your husband--"

Wait a second.

May I say in my own defense, Miss Marshall,

that to tell a woman with two children, no money

and a husband that beats her up like this,

with a broken arm and a bashed-in face,

to move out of her house into a welfare center

in order to get therapy is just a lot of...

horseshit!

Excuse me. I wouldn't do it, would you?

I can't act with this.

Oh, shut up. Ron?

The entire cast of Southwest General...

I'm partially to blame, Miss Kimberly.

I know I'm pretty, and I use it.

I just guess I shouldn't have gone

to Dr. Brewster's office so late.

Well, no, that's not true.

You know, Dr. Brewster has tried to seduce

several nurses on this ward,

always claiming to be in the throes

of an uncontrollable impulse.

Do you know what?

Uh-oh. I think I'm gonna give

every nurse on this floor an electric cattle prod

and instruct them to just zap him in his "badubies."

"Cattle prod"?

Ruby. Hi, do you want to open up the yellow pages,

and under the section of Farm Equipment, Retail--

♪ Go, Tootsie, go ♪

♪ Roll, baby, roll ♪

♪ Sweet Tootsie roll ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Tootsie, you and I ♪

♪ We're riding high ♪

♪ Rolling along ♪

♪ You're a real Razzle-dazzle you ♪

♪ Whatever you do Keep singing your song ♪

♪ Go, Tootsie, go ♪

♪ Roll, baby, roll ♪

♪ Sweet Tootsie roll ♪

I am Dorothy. Dorothy is me.

Nobody's writing that part. It's coming out of me.

You are Michael, you're acting Dorothy.

It's the same thing. There's a woman in me.

I'm experiencing this. Let's not get carried away.

Why can't you get me a special?

I could sing as Dorothy, I could do some monologues.

I feel I have something to say to women.

You have nothing to say to women.

That's not true! I have plenty to say to women.

I've been an unemployed actor for 20 years, George!

You know that. I know what it's like

to sit by the phone waiting for it, waiting for it to ring.

Then when I finally get a job, I have no control.

Everybody else has the power, and I got zip.

If I could impart that to other women like me--

You gotta listen to me, Michael.

There are no other women like you, you're a man.

Yes, I realize that, of course. But I'm also an actress.

Michael, I don't think we should argue about this.

I mean, really.

A potentially great actress.

I could do Medea, I could do Ophelia.

I could do Lady Macbeth, just like in Shakespeare's day.

Why don't you get the writers--

I got a terrific idea.

I could do a great Eleanor Roosevelt.

We can do the Eleanor Roosevelt story!

The Eleanor Roosevelt story?

What's the matter with that?

Michael, listen, Phil Weintraub's party is Saturday.

Let's just go. Forget it.

Have a good time. Have a couple of drinks.

Don't take yourself so seriously.

He never invited me to a party. I'm inviting you. He never invited me to a party. I'm inviting you.

That really looks great.

He did a fabulous job on your eyes.

I can't blink for a week. Really.

I don't like it here. Stand up straight. I don't like it here. Stand up straight.

This girl's an analyst.

No, actually, I'm a therapist.

Yeah, well, it's the same thing.

What do you want to drink?

A double champagne.

What is this? Just serve yourself?

Hi. Hi. What would you like?

Uh, give me two--

Two what?

Of anything.

I'm sorry, I-- Just a couple of champagnes.

Thanks.

Hi. Can I get you something? Hi. Yeah.

Vodka on the rocks with a twist, please.

Hi.

You don't remember me?

Yeah, I-- I-- I-- I--

When I came through the door,

I thought you looked familiar.

What's your name again? Suzanne.

Suzanne. Mm-hm.

Call Pamela Green. She's my agent.

There's a lot of interest over at Paramount.

I'll know right after the 1st.

I'll read it after the 1st.

How are you, Julie? Hi.

Actually, I'm not that crazy about the script.

I'm having a rewrite done

and I'd like to show you some of the changes.

Maybe we could have dinner.

Call Pamela. She handles me for dinner.

Do you have a light? Huh?

Oh, right here.

So how you been? Great.

Good. You look wonderful. Good. You look wonderful.

Thank you.

Silly me, I already had dinner.

I didn't know there would be so much food.

Oops.

It's for my dog. Heh.

He likes fruit.

Hi.

Mike Dorsey.

Uh-huh.

Great view, huh?

Only Phil could afford all those lights.

You know,

I could lay a big line on you

and we could do a lot of role-playing,

but the simple truth is--

Is that I find you very interesting

and I'd really like to make love to you.

You know? It's as simp--

Simple as that.

I understand who you really are.

And I'll no longer submit to your petty insults

and humiliations.

It's not necessary now that Emily Kimberly is here.

Now that someone who sees the truth is your equal.

Listen, doctor, I've filed charges against you

with the AMA.

You'll be notified tomorrow.

And cut it. Cut.

It's a good one.

Perfect. Jules,

that was great. Thanks, John.

Lovely job. First-rate.

You were wonderful. Yeah, thanks to my coach.

No, no. You did it yourself.

Was it okay? I loved the middle-- Was it okay? I loved the middle--

Okay, so much for the mutual-admiration society.

Let's, uh, move on to Item 17. Jo, clear this set.

I'll need, uh, Alan, Tom and, uh, John.

Tootsie, take 10.

Ron?

My name is Dorothy.

It's not tootsie or toots or sweetie or honey or doll.

Oh, Christ.

No, just Dorothy.

Now, Alan's always Alan,

Tom is always Tom and John's always John.

I have a name too. It's Dorothy.

Capital D, O-R-O-T-H-Y.

Dorothy.

Excuse me, doctor.

Did somebody die?

Violinist.

Oh, I didn't know he was that sick.

He wasn't. He asked for a raise.

I'm sorry about what happened out there.

I was, uh...

Listen... I was a little upset.

...what are you gonna do for the holidays?

Why?

Well, the baby and I

are gonna go up to my dad's farm upstate.

It's not exactly the fast lane, but it's--

It's kind of fun.

Maybe you'd like to come along.

Oh, uh...

You know, since my dad met you, he's your biggest fan.

Is Ron coming too?

Would that make a difference?

W ell... Actually,

I think he has to stay in town and work.

Oh.

If it matters,

I've always hated women who treat other women

as stand-ins for men.

It's not that. Really.

I'd just like you to come.

I just wanna be real careful and not get up too soon,

or I'll have another relapse. You know what I mean?

Listen, Michael, isn't there some way we could rehearse

and actually be in the same room together?

We will, Sandy. After the weekend.

So I'll-- I'll call you Monday, okay?

Thanks. Bye-bye.

You know where my nightgown is? The pink one?

The one with the flower-- Oh.

Listen to me. What?

Stop packing. Don't do this.

Why? You should not do this. Why? You should not do this.

In two weeks, I'll never see Julie again.

And if I do, it'll be as Michael Dorsey

and she'll probably throw a drink in my face.

Where's my makeup kit?

How can you keep lying to Sandy like this?

Oh, come on. It's for her own good.

I never told Sandy that I wouldn't see other women.

Come on. And if I--

If I did tell her, it would only hurt her feelings.

And I don't wanna hurt her.

Especially since Julie and I are just girlfriends.

I'm just afraid that you're gonna burn in hell for all this.

I don't believe in hell.

I believe in unemployment,

but I don't believe in hell.

Hi.

Wait, let me get those.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you.

Ooh. Strong little thing, aren't you?

Well, no.

Come on, Dorothy. Come on, I'll show you the house.

Careful coming up here.

Well, it really is old, isn't it?

Here we are.

Whew.

I'll set up the crib in a second.

You girls unpack your bags, and we'll--

Wait, are we sharing?

Well, the rest of the upstairs is still shut off.

Besides, I know you girls.

No matter how far apart I put you,

you'll sneak back and spend the night giggling.

Oh.

He still thinks I'm 12.

Which side do you want, Dorothy?

I think the one closest to the bathroom.

Don't worry, I won't take up much room.

Take it between your thumb and forefinger.

Yeah. Then let every finger

roll down individually.

Like this? That's it, yes. Like this? That's it, yes.

My goodness.

Ooh!

Uh, that's all right. You'll be all right.

♪ Time ♪

♪ I've been passing time ♪

♪ Watching trains go by ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Lying on the sand ♪

♪ Watching sea birds fly ♪

♪ Wishing there would be ♪

♪ Someone waiting home For me ♪

♪ Something's telling me It might be you ♪

♪ It's telling me It might be you ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Looking back ♪

♪ As lovers go walking past ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Wondering how they met ♪

♪ And what makes it last ♪

♪ If I found the place ♪

♪ Would I recognize the face ♪

♪ Something's telling me It might be you ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

It's special up here, isn't it?

I'm glad you came.

Listen, can I tell you something?

Sweetheart?

Huh? Ron is on the phone.

Hi.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What, Dorothy?

Nothing. Nothing.

I think I'll put her down. Bye.

Ah, good. Bye-bye.

Gets a little chilly out here.

Well, no, I was just--

I brought this, uh... Oh.

sweater for you.

Thank you. Very nice of you, Les.

And thank you.

Okay. Okay.

Well, I wonder if we're gonna get any stars out of--

Out of the sky tonight. Well, I've got my stars.

You and Julie.

♪ That's all ♪

♪ That's all ♪

Oh... That's so beautiful.

I should've transposed it.

It's a wonderful thing for a lady to play a piano.

Quit. My mama insisted.

Uh, who wants another drink?

Oh, I'm fine. Uh, you'd better take it easy.

Remember Injun Joe. What's that? Remember Injun Joe. What's that?

Don't you tell that story.

Tell me. There's this bar

that Daddy hangs out in. I don't

hang out there. And one night he and Injun Joe hang out there. And one night he and Injun Joe

threw back a few too many.

Oh, hard liquor.

They thought they saw this elk.

Stalked it around for a couple hours.

They finally got it cornered up against Charlie's barn.

Just about the time they were ready to blast the thing,

it mooed. Oh, it was a cow?

That's enough laughing at your old man!

Hey, you know this one?

♪ For it was Mary ♪

Wait a minute.

♪ Mary ♪

♪ Long before The fashion came ♪

♪ And there is Something there ♪

♪ That sounds so square ♪

Whoo!

♪ It's a grand ♪

♪ Old ♪

♪ Mare ♪

Bravo! That was Julie's mother's name. Bravo! That was Julie's mother's name.

You have a good voice. Mary Juliet Cooper.

Well, I'm going to bed.

What do you say, wanna hit the hay,

as they say on the farm?

What? Oh, well, I think I'll--

You, uh-- Oh, uh, both of--

You two, uh-- Both of you go to bed.

I'll stay up. Oh, I'll stay up with you.

Oh.

Well, I'm going. Heh.

Good night. Good night, dear.

Good night, Dad. Good night, hon. Sleep well. Good night, Dad. Good night, hon. Sleep well.

Be good.

Nice girl, isn't she?

Very sweet. Very sweet.

Well, I'm kind of glad old Ron didn't come up.

You know, I am too, actually.

Really? Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry. Please, uh, sit down.

Well, thank you.

You know, I thought you'd be more like one of those...

You know, one of them liberators.

Oh, well, no. You know, I'm not really

like the woman you see on the show.

I mean, that's just a part. I'm not all that militant.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for this equal business.

I think women ought to be entitled

to have everything and all, et cetera.

Except sometimes I think what they really want

is to be entitled to be men.

Like men are all equal in the first place.

Mm-hm. Which we're not.

No.

Can I get you another drink? Mm-mm.

I must keep my wits about me tonight.

Tonight? Oh, uh--

Uh, well, always.

You know, I can remember, years ago,

there was none of this talk about what a woman was,

what a man was,

you just were what you were.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

And now they have all this stuff about

how much you should be like the other sex

so you can be all more the same.

Well, I'm sorry, but we're just not.

You know? Right. You know? Right.

Not on a farm, anyway.

Bulls are bulls,

and roosters don't try to lay eggs.

Never.

Uh...

Now, my wife and I, we were married a lot of years.

People got it all wrong, you know?

They say your health is the most important thing.

But I can lift this house off the ground.

What good is it? Mm-hm.

Being with someone.

Sharing. Yeah.

That's what it's all about. Mm-hm.

Julie tells me you're not married.

No.

Like another drink?

No. Sure?

Yes. Oh, well, you know what?

I think it is about that time.

Ah...

Hey, thanks for staying up and talking.

Oh, don't-- Don't you mention it.

You know, you have beautiful eyes.

Oh, well, thank you.

Good night, Les.

Daddy is a little out of touch, isn't he?

No, very sweet. Very sweet.

He sees things pretty simply.

You're either happy or unhappy.

Married or not married.

There's nothing in between.

I tried to get him to take out other women

after Mama died, but...

You know, she must have been a very special person.

I guess so.

I don't remember her very well.

I remember her helping me

pick out this wallpaper.

I'd chosen one with great big purple flowers on it.

And she said to me,

"Just remember that once you choose it,

"it's gonna cover the walls of your room

for a long, long time."

So I tried to imagine what those big purple flowers

were gonna look like on all the walls of my room...

every night when I was falling asleep

and every morning when I was getting dressed.

So I said to her,

"Which one would you choose, Mom?"

And she said, "The one with the daisies

"and the little rosebuds.

"Because daisies

"are such homey flowers,

and rosebuds are so cheerful and always waiting to bloom."

That's lovely.

I made a million plans looking at this wallpaper.

I was always waiting for these rosebuds to open.

That's nice.

My mother used to do that too, sometimes.

Good night, Julie.

Night, Dotty.

Cathy Campbell, please call your office.

It says "cool."

But don't you think I should be angry?

Doesn't it play better that way?

Yes. Why don't you try that?

Uh, this just came to our dressing room for you.

I think it's from Julie's father.

Oh, my.

Now don't you dare eat any of those.

You don't wanna ruin that cute figure of yours.

What a thoughtless present to give a woman.

Chocolates!

Dorothy Michaels, Rita Marshall's office.

You know, Dorothy, you're a complicated lady.

On the one hand, you're a real pain in the ass.

I've got one of the most expensive

directors in soaps--

I owe myself a quarter.

and you've got him defensive and hostile.

Oh, I don't mean to.

However, we're getting 2000 letters a week.

And we've picked up three share points.

And it's largely due to you.

You are the first woman character

who is her own person.

Who can assert her own personality

without robbing someone of theirs.

You're a breakthrough lady for us.

We're picking up your option. You'll be with us another year.

Congratulations.

Ah, come on, Mike. Okay, what do you mean?

Get you out of it? We can't get you out of it.

There's no way out of it. It's a one-way option. Theirs.

What? Who gave 'em that?

You did. You signed a standard contract.

I signed a contract, but I didn't know

I was gonna be working for the rest of my life as a woman!

I know, but you gotta find some way to make it work.

They're paying. They're gonna go from 650 to 850 an episode.

You get me out of this, I don't care how,

or I'm gonna go in right now and tell 'em.

Tell 'em what?

That you put an entire network on the spot?

That you're making a fool out of millions of women?

They'll kill you!

I got a secretary wants to be like Dorothy Michaels.

I'm ready to fire her.

Michael, we're talking major fraud here.

Major fraud. You can't tell 'em. What about me?

You think anybody's gonna believe I wasn't in on this?

I mean, they'll kill me.

This is not like ruining yourself

by walking out on some play.

This is-- This is ruining me too.

You can't do it, Michael.

You gotta find a way to make it work.

Can you take that many Valium?

We'll see.

You know, maybe there's a morals clause

in your contract.

Perhaps if Dorothy did something really filthy,

they have to let you go.

But I really can't think of anything filthy and disgusting

that you haven't already done on your show.

Dorothy, ahem, it's Julie.

Listen, there's sort of an emergency.

Well, I mean, it's not really an emergency...

but if you get a chance...

uh, would you call me?

Are you sure you wanna do this?

No, but I'm going to.

Oh, I've been fooling myself about Ron for too long now.

I guess I really wanted you here for moral support, Dorothy.

Although I actually did fire Mrs. Crawley today.

I really did.

Did you want a drink?

I'm not the one breaking up with Ron.

Ooh, I'd buy a ticket to that.

You have influenced me, though, Dorothy.

I've been seeing Ron through your eyes lately.

Julie, I don't want that responsibility.

Why not? Why shouldn't you influence me?

Listen, you wouldn't compromise your feelings like I have.

You wouldn't live this kind of lie, would ya?

Well, no, I wouldn't. But--

Of course not! And you're right.

It's just... What? It's just... What?

I deserve something better, you know?

I don't have to settle for this.

I really don't. It's just that I've always been too lazy

or too scared or too something. No, why--?

Don't be so hard on yourself. Mm.

I mean, what the hell? I'll live, won't I?

Maybe not happily, but honestly.

Heh. Sounds like something you'd say.

Julie, you mustn't idealize me.

Uh, honesty, in many ways,

is a-- Is a relative term.

Uh, listen, my father's coming.

If he calls, don't tell him anything about this, okay?

He's driving down tonight. He's gonna wanna see you.

Oh, me?

Oh, God. It's Ron.

Oh, Dorothy, God bless ya.

Wish me luck now.

Always.

I feel that little mustache.

Maybe you should put some makeup on it.

Hi.

How you doing?

What's going on?

Oh, Dorothy's gonna sit with Amy.

Ah. I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hi, honey.

You don't mind if I call you honey

when we're not working, do you?

Nice dress.

Thank you.

You don't like me, do you?

I mean, I can respect that.

But there's, uh...

There's not many women I can't make like me.

Why don't you like me?

I don't like the way you treat Julie.

Oh? Mm-hm.

I don't like the way you patronize her,

the way you deceive her, the way you lie to her.

What do you mean?

You want me to go on?

No, I-- I-- I know what you mean.

Look, Dorothy, I-- I never promised Julie I'd be exclusive.

I never said I wouldn't see other women.

It's just I-- I know she doesn't

want me to see other women, so I lie to her

to keep from hurting her.

That's very convenient.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait. Look-- Look at it from my side.

See-- See, if a woman wants me to seduce her, I--

Well, I usually do.

But then she starts pretending like I promised her something.

Then I start pretending like I promised her something.

But, I mean, in the end, I'm the one that's exploited.

Bullshit, Ron.

You know what?

I understand you a lot better than you think I do.

Really? Mm-hm. Really? Mm-hm.

I'm ready.

Well, Julie's ready.

She sure is.

Oh, Dorothy, she never wakes up.

But, uh, in case she does,

there's applesauce in the fridge.

You can just give her a couple spoonfuls.

And-- And I'm sure she'll--

Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

Don't be silly. Now, how much trouble can a baby be? Go on.

Okay! It's okay. Oh, it's okay. Okay! It's okay. Oh, it's okay.

Oh, Dorothy's here.

Oh, please don't cry. Please don't cry. Please don't--

Oh. Oh, I love you.

I love you. Oh, look--

Look how much fun we're having.

It's-- It's all right. It's all right.

It's okay. It's Uncle Dorothy.

Please don't cry. Please don't cry. Please.

No, don't-- Oh, come on. Oh, here's funny clown.

Funny clown's talking to-- Here, look.

Come on, Amy. Hello, Amy.

Amy. Amy, give me a break, will you?

Here, come on. Will you eat some more now?

Come-- You told me to open up this one.

Now this is apri-- Now this is apri--

Gotcha. Gotcha.

You want a little more apricot?

Don't do that anymore, now.

Don't do that to Aunt Dorothy.

Come on, now. You're gonna go to sleep after this.

Just try this one and then I'll put you--

I don't like you.

It's not funny.

Amy, look at this.

She's gonna probably have to paint the kitchen.

Here, look at yourself.

You see what a bad girl looks like?

Dorothy?

I'll be right there.

Hi.

How's Amy? She any trouble?

Oh, not at all. She was an angel.

Oh.

You all right?

Oh... Hm?

Fine.

What's the matter?

Julie?

Tell the truth now. Are you sure you're all right?

No.

Why?

Who am I gonna have dinner with?

Oh, God. I hate myself for being like this.

You know something funny? What? You know something funny? What?

And I don't want you to take this the wrong way.

But since I met you,

I'm so grateful to have you as a friend.

And yet, at the same time,

I've never felt lonelier in my whole life.

It's as though I-- I want something

that I just can't have.

You know what I mean?

Do you?

Dorothy? Dorothy? Julie, wait a sec.

My God! Doroth-- Wait a second. Let me explain. My God! Doroth-- Wait a second. Let me explain.

Don't say anything. But there's a reason.

I understand the reason.

No, that reason's not the reason.

See, I'm not the person you think I am.

Uh, I just-- Wait a minute, now.

Nobody is. Easy.

Dorothy, it's me. No, it's me. Dorothy, it's me. No, it's me.

No, it's me. I'm just not well-adjusted enough.

I mean, I'm sure I've got the same impulses.

Obviously, I did have the same impulse.

Don't jump to conclusions about that.

That impulse is a good impulse, Julie.

If you could see me out of these clothes--

No, no, no, no! What?

Oh, my God. That's my father.

You've gotta tell him.

Tell him what? Tell him.

What--? That I-- That--

That's a corncob. Oh...

Uh, hello?

Hi, Dad.

Fine.

I'm here with, uh, Dorothy.

Oh, no. I can't tonight, Daddy.

But wait just a--

Dorothy. What?

Listen, you've gotta see him.

I can't. Just don't lead him on. I can't. Just don't lead him on.

Please don't make me do this. Dorothy, you--

You gotta let him down gently.

I can't. You owe me that. I can't. You owe me that.

Hello?

Hi, Les. I'm fine.

How are you?

Tonight, sure-- Tonight?!

What'll you have, Dorothy? Just water.

Uh, water and bourbon. Ahem, on second thought,

straight Scotch. Scotch and bourbon. straight Scotch. Scotch and bourbon.

I'd like to-- Let's--

Let's dance. What? Let's dance. What?

It's my favorite dance. Oh, really, I-- I-- I--

I don't dance. You'll love it.

What? I'd rather-- Follow me. Follow me. What? I'd rather-- Follow me. Follow me.

Please, I don't-- I don't--

I-- I don't--

You know what? I'd-- Really, I'd rather not.

Just relax. You're very good. Just relax. You're very good.

My wife and I took a course.

I could tell at once.

Emily, we love you.

You're fabulous.

You're wonderful. Wonderful. Just lovely.

Even prettier in person.

Thank you. Thank you.

Wonderful.

I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You're on your feet all day. I think-- You're on your feet all day. I think--

Come on, sit down. Yes, we should stop.

Thank you.

I was real happy when you came out tonight.

I know you usually got a lot of lines to learn.

Les, I think there's something I'd better say.

There's something I wanna say too.

Wouldn't it be funny if we both wanted to say

the same thing? It would be hilarious.

I don't think what I have to say is what you have to say.

Well, mine's pretty simple. I--

I'm not too good with words anyway.

Uh, you know, I only took two pictures in my whole life:

my high-school graduation and my wedding.

And my wife was standing next to me in both of them.

Now, I never thought I'd want anybody to fill her place.

All that changed last weekend.

Lester-- Leslie.

Leslie-- Don't interrupt me.

I gotta do this in one go, or I won't get through it.

Now I know this is kind of quick, but that's how I am.

Never did believe in not getting down to it.

Oh! Oh! Don't say anything now... Oh! Oh! Don't say anything now...

Oh, no! I know it's fast.

Gee, I don't-- Take time to think about it.

Please! Then if the answer's no, Please! Then if the answer's no,

at least you took me seriously enough to think about it.

Would you mind terribly? I just need to be alone.

I'd like to start thinking as soon as possible.

Dorothy?

This is a nightmare.

Don't be angry with me. I had to talk to you.

How did you know where I lived?

I followed you home last night. What--? I followed you home last night. What--?

I didn't have the courage-- Followed me?

to talk to you on the phone without seeing your face.

Could I come up? No, Could I come up? No,

you cannot come up.

I have a terrible headache.

Oh, please. No.

I'll only take a tiny moment

of your time. Well, no. No. of your time. Well, no. No.

Uh, I'll-- I'll see you on the set tomorrow,

uh, and we'll talk about it.

I mean, uh-- Uh-- Uh-- Uh--

Go home. Have you been drinking?

Oh, Jesus.

♪ I'll know ♪

♪ Then and there ♪

♪ I'll know ♪

Shh!

Are you out of your cotton-pickin' mind?

Come on up!

I'm on the third floor!

Hurry before someone calls the cops!

Jesus!

Shh!

Come in, John, but you can just stay a minute.

Can I have a drink?

Anything alcoholic will do.

Oh, just one drink and I'll be on my way.

Oh, all right, but I got-- I-I--

Nice mirror.

Here we go.

What is it that couldn't wait, John?

Dorothy, What?

I'm...

I'm just an untalented, old has-been.

Oh, w-were you ever famous? No. Oh, w-were you ever famous? No.

Then how can you be a has-been?

I love the way you never let me get away with anything.

Dorothy, Yes? Dorothy, Yes?

I want you. I beg your pardon?

I've never wanted a woman this much.

Oh, please, John. Please, perhaps another time.

Turn me away, it'll kill me! It's not you.

I don't want to get involved emotionally at this time.

I'll take straight sex. I don't want to hurt you!

I don't mind. Oh, shit!

Oh! Uh...

John Van Horn,

Jeff Slater.

Jeff Slater, John Van Horn.

How do you do?

I'll be going.

I think it's best.

Gee, I hope I haven't, uh--

No, I hope I haven't--

I want you to know, for the record, Jeff,

that... nothing happened here tonight.

Thank you, John.

I'm sorry, Dorothy.

I didn't understand.

I'm really sorry.

Please don't talk about this.

My lips are sealed.

You slut.

Don't start in with me.

Don't-- Don't-- Don't do that.

Rape is not a laughing matter.

That guy wanted me.

You cannot believe the night I have had tonight.

I think I could imagine. Oh, no, you can't.

I saw the look in his eyes. I was in big trouble.

If you don't come in,

I'm in the Daily News the next morning.

How did you ever let him in here?

How did I let him in here? He was singing.

Is he that good a singer?

What do you--? What do you--?

That's him! It's him.

Tell him I'm in the bedroom crying.

Don't let him in!

Michael.

It's Sandy.

Sandy? It's Sandy?

It's Sandy.

I can't let her see me like this.

I hear you in there.

Jeff, open the door.

It's me, Sandy. Open the door!

Sandy, is that you?

Yes, it's me! Oh, what time--?

What time is it? I fell asleep, I guess.

I was having a nightmare and, uh, you were in it.

Uh, Mike is in the shower.

I'm in the shower! I got soap in my eyes!

I'll be right out! Sandy, I'm not dressed. I'll be right out! Sandy, I'm not dressed.

My clothes are in the other room.

I was asleep. I was dreaming.

You were in my dream. You had real big teeth,

but you were still nice. I had big what?

I gotta get something on. Be right back.

Are you having a party?

I'm in the shower!

Turn on the water! It's stuck!

I got soap in my eyes and there's no water coming out!

Michael!

I can't come out, I got soap in my eyes!

Jeff, open the door!

I can hear you in there, you guys.

Open the door! Michael...

Open this door.

The door was open.

Well, you must think I'm really stupid or something.

Oh, no one would call you stupid to your face.

Jeff, I've been out there for 10 minutes.

It sounded like you guys were having a party in here.

Well, Mike was in the shower. You know.

Hi, Sandy, I was taking a shower.

He was in the shower.

I was in the shower. Good shower? I was in the shower. Good shower?

Good shower.

Why haven't you returned my calls, Michael?

Since I'm awake, I think I'll go do some writing.

Excuse me. Wait a second, I'll be back.

I got a present for you.

Pigs...

I'm glad you came, I've been meaning to give this to you.

Here, it's for you.

Oh, I suppose this means nothing is wrong, huh?

Well, nothing is, is it?

Well, I've called you every night this week.

You haven't returned my calls. You treat me like I'm a jerk.

What are you talking about? You didn't return my calls! What are you talking about? You didn't return my calls!

No! It's-- It's a new answering machine

and it's no good. I'll answer my own phone calls.

I went to six different stores to get your favorite kind.

Chocolate-covered cherries? Yeah. Chocolate-covered cherries? Yeah.

Give it to me.

Oh, and a card.

Yeah. No, no!

Don't--! Don't--! Don't read it!

I was very, very, very angry when I wrote that!

"Thank you for, uh, the lovely night

"in front of the fire.

Missing you. Les."

This isn't even for me. This is another girl's candy.

I wouldn't give you another girl's candy, I swear.

Well, then, whose is it? Mine.

A guy named Les is sending you candy?

Yes. He's a friend of mine.

He can't eat candy. He's diabetic.

Why is he thanking you for a lovely night

in front of the fire?

My mind's a blank.

Michael...

are you gay?

In what sense?

Just be honest with me. Tell me the truth.

For once in your life tell me the truth.

Because these stories-- They are very demeaning to me.

They-- Oh!

No matter how bad the truth is,

it doesn't tear you apart inside like dishonesty.

Dishonesty.

At least it leaves you with some self-respect

and some dignity.

You're right.

Okay.

I'm not gonna lie to you anymore.

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

Sandy...

I'm in love with another woman.

What are you saying to me?!

Sandy, please. Don't-- You liar! You liar! Sandy, please. Don't-- You liar! You liar!

We never said we loved each other.

We went to bed one time. I don't care.

Sandy, I'm crazy about you.

You're one of the dearest friends I ever had.

But let's not pretend we're something else--

We're gonna lose everything we have!

I never said, "I love you!" I don't care about "I love you."

I read The Second Sex! I read The Cinderella Complex!

I'm responsible for my own orgasm!

I don't care!

I just don't like to be lied to!

You asked me to be straight with you.

I knew this was right.

I didn't tell you how I'd feel about it though, did I?

Oh, please, tell me, what can I do?

There is nothing you can do for me.

I just have to feel like this until I don't anymore.

And you're gonna have to know you made me feel this way!

Aren't we still friends?

No, we are not friends.

I don't take this shit from friends. Only from lovers.

Wait a minute, what about the play?

Yes, what about the play?

I should tell you to shove your play.

But I won't because I never allow personal despair

to interfere with my professional commitments.

I am a professional actress!

So...

are these real chocolate-covered cherries?

I think so.

See you at rehearsal.

Oh, Sandy.

Don't call me.

It's 2:00 in the morning, Michael. Can't this wait?

I don't care what time it is.

You got 10 days to get me off this show.

That's impossible.

Then I'm getting a new agent. I've had it with you!

You're hurting my feelings. What happened?

Yes, yes, she thinks I'm gay.

I told her about Julie. She thinks I'm gay.

Julie thinks you're gay? No, my friend Sandy.

It's crazy. Well, sleep with her. It's crazy. Well, sleep with her.

I slept with her, she still thinks I'm gay.

Oh, not so good, Michael. I gotta get back to my life. Oh, not so good, Michael. I gotta get back to my life.

Now, you got wall-to-wall lawyers in that office, right?

There must be some way to get me out of this show.

We've been through this. Why can't I die? We've been through this. Why can't I die?

Why can't Dorothy have an accident?

We can use our imaginations. This isn't the toughest problem.

You wanna kill somebody and bring me back the stiff?

She'd better look like you. Those people don't miss a trick.

These are nice people, these are good people.

Something is weird about you.

Since when do you care so much about what other people feel?

If I didn't love Julie before-- You should have seen her face

when she thought I was a lesbian.

Lesbian? You just said "gay."

No, no, no, Sandy thinks I'm gay.

Julie thinks I'm a lesbian.

I thought Dorothy was straight.

Dorothy is straight.

Les, the sweetest, nicest man in the world,

tonight, asked me to marry him.

A guy named Les wants you to marry him?

Yeah-- No, not mar-- Wants to marry Dorothy.

Does he know she's a lesbian? Dorothy's not a lesbian!

I know that, but does he know that?

Know what? That-- Well, I don't know.

You know he gave me a ring? He gave me a diamond ring.

A--

What did you say? What do you mean?

I said, "I gotta think it over."

I went in the ladies' room, I almost pissed in the sink.

I'm in trouble, man.

Thirteen's up. Ready 14.

Widen E. Can you pull 3 to 130?

Cut it.

Stop tape.

We're gonna take a short break.

Hold it, hold it!

Slight change of plans, children.

Our future ex-tape editor

has just spilled a bottle of celery tonic

all over the second reel of the show airing today.

So we have to redo Emily's party scene, live.

Live?! Quick, like little bunnies.

You have 26 minutes. Get into wardrobe and reset.

But, Rita--?

Don't worry. You've only got a few lines.

Well, I don't see why we can't use the tape.

Just because it's a little sticky.

Well, and I would--

Can I, uh, call you back?

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh...

My God, Dorothy, I just--

Really, I can't.

It's for Amy.

Oh, heh, thanks.

That's nice.

Julie, I don't know how to say this, but--

I really wish you wouldn't.

I understand that you weren't

able to tell my dad last night.

So I think it'd be better for all of us

if I tried to explain it to him.

Look, Dorothy, I wouldn't be honest

if I didn't tell you how much you've meant to me

these past couple weeks.

You-- You taught me how to stand up for myself

because you always stand up for yourself.

You taught me to stop hiding and just be myself

because you're al--

You're always yourself.

And I'm grateful to you.

But...

Well, I just...

I just can't see you anymore,

you know?

I just feel that it would be leading you on.

It wouldn't be fair to you.

I really love you, Dorothy.

But I can't--

I can't love you.

Places, everybody. Immediately.

Fifteen seconds to commercial.

...go to the party on Dr. Brewster's arm.

I don't care how you get there,

but this is the most important night

in Emily Kimberly's life.

And we're all going to be there to honor her,

including you.

Stand by. Quiet, please, on the floor.

Stand by. Move camera. Stand by. Move camera.

Twenty-two and 23, come down to 18.

Hold it. Hold it. That's good.

Five, four, three.

Let us all raise our glasses

to our guest of honor, Miss Emily Kimberly.

Oh...

Emily, we are all looking forward

to having you grace us with your presence

for many years to come.

Speech.

Thank you, Gordon.

Well, I cannot tell you all how deeply moved I am.

Pfft. I never in my wildest dreams Pfft. I never in my wildest dreams

imagined that I would be the object

of so much genuine affection.

Uh-oh.

It makes it all the more difficult for me to say

what I'm now going to say.

Yes...

I do feel it's time to set the record straight.

You see, I didn't come here just as an administrator,

Dr. Brewster.

I came to this hospital to settle an old score.

What score? You all know that my father What score? You all know that my father

was a brilliant man. He built this hospital.

But to his family he was an unmerciful tyrant.

A absolute dodo bird.

Oh, no. Not live.

Let's see where she goes.

...his wife t-to drink.

In fact, she, uh-- She went riding one time

and lost all her teeth.

What? What? Oh.

...and the oldest daughter, the pretty one,

became pregnant when she was 15 years old

and was driven out of the house.

In fact, she was so terrified that she would--

That the baby daughter would bear the stigma of illegitimacy.

She decided to change her name,

and she contracted a disfiguring disease.

After moving to Tangiers,

which is where she raised the little girl as her sister.

But her one ambition...

Any preference of shots on this one, Rita?

...was to become a nurse.

So she returned to the States

and joined the staff right here...

at Southwest General. at Southwest General.

While she worked here, she knew she had to speak out

wherever she saw injustice and inhumanity.

God save us, you do understand that,

don't you, Dr. Brewster?

I never laid a hand on her.

Yes, you did.

And she was shunned by all you nurses too.

Give me something, one. Not backs.

Two and three, go left and right.

No, two, go left!

Three, go right!

But she was deeply, deeply,

deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply loved

by her brother.

Her brother? It was this brother, Her brother? It was this brother,

who, on the day of her death

swore to the good Lord above

that he would follow in her footsteps.

And-- And-- And-- And-- And-- And-- And-- And-- And--

And-- And-- And just-- Just-- Just-- Just--

Just-- Just--

Just-- Just--

Don't-- Don't-- Don't-- Don't panic.

Just owe it all up to her!

But on her terms!

God, here come the terms.

As a woman...

and just as proud to be a woman...

as she ever was.

For I am not Emily Kimberly,

the daughter of Dwayne...

and Alma Kimberly.

No, I'm not.

I'm Edward Kimberly,

the reckless brother of my sister Anthea.

Holy Christ!

I'm Edward Kimberly,

who has finally vindicated

his sister's good name. I'm Edward Kimberly.

Edward Kimberly.

I'll be damned. And I'm not mentally ill, I'll be damned. And I'm not mentally ill,

but proud and lucky

and strong enough to be the woman

that was the best part of my manhood.

The best part of myself.

That is one nutty hospital.

I knew there was a reason she didn't like me!

Commercial.

Cut it!

And cut!

Oof!

Does Jeff know?

Hey, Robert.

Hi, Les.

Get him!

All right!

Come on. Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!

Ah, come on.

I thought you'd want it back.

Outside.

Give it to me outside.

Why'd you do it?

I needed the work.

The only reason you're still living

is because I never kissed you.

I hope you enjoyed the chocolates.

I-- I gave them to a girl.

So did I, I thought.

Do you like 'em?

Chocolates?

Girls.

I like Julie.

I think I love Julie.

Wearing a dress is a funny way to show it.

I know. I apologize.

Truth is, you were okay company.

So were you.

I could have done without the dancing.

You know, you're very good.

I'm seeing a real nice woman now.

Oh, really?

You think I didn't check her out?

Can I buy you a beer?

You got six bits, yeah.

Can I have a couple beers?

Does Julie ever mention me?

Taxi!

Thank you.

Hi.

I, uh-- I saw your father.

I drove up, uh, to see him

in that bar he hangs out at.

He doesn't hang out there.

Oh-- Oh, yeah. I-- I forgot.

How's Amy?

Fine.

Your dad and I had, uh...

couple of beers and shot a good game of pool.

We had a really good time together.

How's it going?

Terry Bishop's back on the show.

April's lost her radiology license--

I meant with you. I know what you meant. I meant with you. I know what you meant.

So you're pretty hot after your unveiling, Michael.

What's your next triumph?

Well, I'm gonna do this play with a couple of friends--

Good. I've gotta catch a cab, Michael.

Julie,

can I call you...

sometime?

Look, I don't want to hold you up.

I just did it for the work.

I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

Especially you.

I miss Dorothy.

You don't have to.

She's right here.

And she misses you.

Look, you don't know me from Adam.

But I was a better... man with you,

as a woman, than I ever was with a woman, as a man.

You know what I mean?

I just gotta...

learn to do it without the dress.

At this point in our relationship

there might be an advantage to my wearing pants.

Hard part's over, you know?

We were already...

good friends.

Will you loan me that little yellow outfit?

Which one?

The Halston.

The Halston?

Oh, no.

You'll ruin it.

Michael! You'll spill wine all over it.

I will not.

I'll loan it to you, but you gotta give it back.

It's my favorite.

What are you gonna use it for?

♪ Time ♪

♪ I've been passing time ♪

♪ Watching trains go by ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Lying on the sand ♪

♪ Watching seabirds fly ♪

♪ Wishing there would be ♪

♪ Someone waiting home for me ♪

♪ Something's telling me It might be you ♪

♪ Yeah, it's telling me It might be you ♪

♪ So many quiet walks To take ♪

♪ So many dreams to wake ♪

♪ And we've so much love To make ♪

♪ I think we're gonna Need some time ♪

♪ Maybe all we need is time ♪

♪ And it's telling me It might be you ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ I've been saving love songs ♪

♪ And lullabies ♪

♪ And there's so much more ♪

♪ No one's ever heard before ♪

♪ Something's telling me It might be you ♪

♪ Yeah, it's telling me It must be you ♪

♪ And I'm feeling It'll just be you ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ It's you ♪

♪ That I've been waiting for ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Maybe it's you ♪

♪ It's you ♪ ♪ Maybe it's you ♪ ♪ It's you ♪ ♪ Maybe it's you ♪

♪ It's you ♪

♪ I've been waiting for ♪

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ Maybe it's you ♪

♪ I've been waiting for ♪

♪ All of my life ♪