Original subtitles

Satire, Latin Satura, dish of various fruits.

Number one, the use of ridicule, sarcasm, irony,

etc. to expose an attack, vices, follies, etc.

Number two, satire is essentially concerned with exposing some flaw.

The di... What the... Basically, the Chinese word for satire translates

as laughter with knives, so don't be offended,

you little bitches!

Warning!

Guaranteed to offend!

You have five seconds to leave the building.

Pardon me, excuse me, pardon me.

The air from the subway, isn't it delicious?

Sometime I feel my eyes beat going on in

circles Beneath my eyes there's blue and black

There's nothing new, no one I wanna talk to

Nothing I wanna think about I got sold out

I stick my head out of the window and it's closed

Instead of air I get glass stuck into my head

The city sounding I can't seem to start to pound

in Can't keep my thoughts from flying round

Can't keep my thighs up flying round!

Not sure what I'm thinking about!

I got sold out!

A shameless display!

Wearing a smile full of pain!

A fragrant!

Urting!

A painting without a signature!

She's waiting for someone to save her!

As I pass her by, I see Cinderella!

Ha ha ha!

She drives infinity to the slipper!

Why don't she fits in a bottle of liquor?

There's no one to take her away!

Her eyes be mine!

She sees right through me!

The question asks what you're gonna do for me!

I don't mean nothing!

Just a connection!

I gotta know what she's all about!

Cause I know she's been assed all down!

I stick my head out of the window once again

this time I see a thousand faces all too clear!

They wear the same expression I've seen in my

face So many times I know exactly how they feel!

I know exactly how they feel!

I know just what they think about!

They bustle down!

Things you'll never see...

Supermodels... Taking a dump! Thanks.

Keep walking clear by the time it's getting near!

Pull up to roll!

Here I go!

Gotta watch myself just got a ton of silver

I don't wanna ruin the trial, please Hello, honey.

Give me all your money.

What?

There's no money here.

What are you saying? You got no cash?

No.

Suffering fucking cash!

This is a sperm bank.

Give me all your semen, and there'll be no screaming.

The magazines just aren't working anymore The room's totally uncomfortable as I...

Lay down your seat or I'll make you bleed!

Mommy!

Ah, ah, ah, pimple face.

I'll take you to the other place.

Aren't you that famous rhymer guy?

Hey, I don't got a lot of time. I'm running out of rhymes.

Oh, my God!

You just got robbed by the rhymer.

Yeah, you should think I'm trying more often.

Oh, cool!

Here we go!

Power to cyborg!

We're gonna need you on a fantastic journey

to happiness Such you has never dreamed of!

You know what I'm saying, friend?

Booby!

Booby?

He's trying to scare that bee.

Shut up!

Hey, you shouldn't smoke.

It'll make you crow.

You better not hurl.

Or you'll never get a girl.

Come on, man.

Roses are red.

Come on, gringo.

Fillets are blue.

Better my life, man.

I killed your homies.

And now I'm gonna kill you.

Wait!

I'll give you a chance.

I just want to see you break this.

Uh-oh.

It's Batman.

Can you take a couple of steps up here, please? Okay.

I'm Batman.

You're Batman?

I wish I could get the hell away from you.

I hate baseball.

It's for the young, goddamn young people and for the goddamn gays.

I've found a very... I've seen so many gays in my life.

God, I got sick on the right of me, on the left of me, all around me, all gays.

Gee, I get sick of that.

I don't know where the real man is hiding.

You have to have a magnifying glass to look for them.

Ma'am, you're under arrest for robbery

and you have the right to remain...

Hey, you.

Take this back to the sperm bank.

Okay?

In the old hag?

Take care of it for me, okay?

Hey, hey, nice threads.

Where'd you get the bread? Take it easy.

Nice threads?

I'm the one with the nice threads.

Oh, yes!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Maddie's is on sale at Ralph's.

Hey, hey, hey, Granny.

How's it going?

Not you again, you bastard.

You hurt my arms. I'm terrible.

You a louse?

Hey, sorry about the other day, about your face and all being used as a croquet.

But, hey, maybe we should all just be marrying

gay and go see a movie or something, eh?

I still don't like it.

Come on, hop on in.

Let me turn you around, Granny,

see if you can go homework-bound.

Finally, you're doing something worthwhile.

Both eyes, God damn it.

Ah, my curve ball.

Try to hit that one over the wall.

Hey, quick! Someone call 911.

We don't have much time.

Excuse me, ma'am, I gotta get... Excuse me, ma'am, I need to get Malcolm out.

Ma'am, you're gonna have to stand back, please.

Calm down.

He's dead.

Oh, he's dead.

Who watched Fasting with Suspense?

A one-hour weekly show about lifeguards' small, hard days.

Next week's episode.

Shock attack!

Shock attack!

You're in my orchard.

You're breaking laws.

You've been fucking...

50 states or something.

How many states there, Johnny? Hey, Johnny.

Hurry up.

No, you're a looker.

You got some...

Sweet ass titties.

Can I get your number?

Are you picking my oranges?

Because that's a...

He's got a pretty mouth.

Do you have a pretty mouth?

Can I redecorate your lower intestine?

I have a treadmill.

I was gonna go hit it until the X-Lax kicks in or something.

Hey, how you doing?

All right, turkey.

I'm Bill from Anaheim.

I'm out here trying to get at work as an actor.

I've met with a few agents.

What was that, Agent?

Shit!

Shit!

Are you sick?

If you fuck Pocahontas, it's like a big...

Fuck!

Come here, boy!

Come here, boy!

Mama, I thought I told you I didn't want to see you again.

I know, Lucy.

But you see, my friend's over there.

I think I'm a wussy, so I came here to, uh...

Eat your good cooking.

I don't want to hear your rhymes.

But I brought your favorite chocolate.

Oh, thank you.

Here's Johnny.

Lucy, where are you?

I got your favorite...

Oh, my God!

Hey, Granny, how's it going?

Hey, you brought my favorite cookies.

Famous Amos, come on in.

Hey, why don't you stand right here for me? There you go.

Batman, how you doing?

Me and Granny were just four years old.

Can you hold this for a second, please?

Granny, I told you once and for all... Why does he get those wonderful toys?

Hey, give us back the ball.

Why should I? Uh, shit.

Can't even say it.

You know why you can't cover me?

Guys, I'm your own bro.

Why do you think you keep on hitting the old hole?

Because I'm your own flesh and blood.

You go around swinging the bat...

at the wrong cat.

Sorry about that, kid. I'm just trying to prove a point.

I'm the one causing the trouble here.

Weck off with that, Jack.

You remember now?

You see, I'm not crying. I'm rhyming.

Now, if I strike you out, you go from Batman... to Bumble.

You ready?

Jack, you okay?

You're out! No, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

As it pops into the embryo of its new body...

...things you'll never see.

A big, black, bald, gay virgin.

Hi, big, black, and beautiful.

What do you say we go back to my place...

and we can bank some real balls? Man, fuck you.

I'm a virgin, okay?

You're a virgin? That pole's been fucked so many times, honey.

I could see China.

You know, the last motherfucker told me that...

before I put his ass six feet under...

so I don't think you want to fuck with me right now, okay?

Six feet? Take me right now.

You ain't got no motherfucking money.

Get the fuck out of my damn house.

Butch, I love that.

I'm here, right now.

I'll tell you one thing.

I'm pre-loot for your convenience.

I'm fucking saving myself.

Honey, here's the thing.

For the right man.

Where no one holds up.

Chihuahua.

And in Chicago, they got...

female prostitutes.

Can't wait to get out of this.

Shit hole, baby.

Rolling down, sunset strip.

Looking for a dumping boat to sit on my tip.

Big new sluts coming in from the right.

Sorry I need a girl that's tied.

Look at you, Efna.

He fix with his dick.

Why do you think he ran off and married some plastic chick?

All the world loves him for so unless the women are whores.

From the valley to Orange County

To where my mother lives, right in that alley Everybody, do your body

From the backside to the frontside It's just another holding club I hate L.

A.

We hate L.A.

I hate L.A.

We hate L.A.

Look at those girls.

Or are they guys?

One of them is looking at me like he wants to try me out for size

What a freak show when they give each other a blow

Look at that producer.

Look at that slut.

She fucked away tomorrow's place then she got cut If I was that girl I'd get the job

Before I fuck around

From Redwood to Ventura County

To where Nicole's head is in that alley Everybody,

I met the Luna Nicole's home and I's by a big kaluna

It's just another bloody day I hate L.

A.

We hate L.A.

I hate L.A.

We hate L.A.

Look at those crips.

Look at those bloods.

Now I know why Goa caught my drugs What's with these

guys and gets you straight When they do drive-bys

I wanna be famous I should join acting class Or maybe I get a part of Baywatch

If I kiss Hasselhoff's ass I spread my asshole To get a recurring role Riots

Police beatings Back the bus

Trap the jams

O.J.

Shoot

Earthquakes I hate L.

A.

I hate L.A.

Storm fuckers

Backstabbers I hate L.

A.

I hate L.A.

That's the very start of it What?

The very start of business

What?

That's the first daughter of business

It's Johnny Johnny Petrucelli from Brooklyn You remember Johnny

What is it that I could do for you, Johnny?

Godmother The gambling thing you got is real old right now

Everybody's in it

The prostitution ring

All your distributes are getting knocked off, huh?

What is it? What is it? Narcotics?

Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Narcotics you're asking me about? Abortion.

Wholesaling, Godmother

Abortion?

You gotta be kidding me

It's a lucrative...

Paisane, give me the figures, will you?

Right now Spaghetti sauce with me And $1.

5 million a year

That includes shipping and the beef from

Texas Parmesan cheese, which you import, etc.

What we do is we eliminate the high overhead

We eliminate the beef And the sauce for fetuses

Now provisions from the hospital

Will guarantee us mutilated fetuses

Which will save us, weren't they, on our machinery

Now, hey, sonny, come over here and try some of this

Okay?

Okay, come over here There you go Take that, try that, huh?

Not bad, right?

You know, I know all this, but what do I do?

What do I do, you know, I mean, it's fetuses

Human fetuses, what do I do?

We're a kosher restaurant

We can't have this in a kosher restaurant So what I'm gonna have to tell you is no

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I got an idea, okay?

How about this?

It's human life, I understand How about.

..

Jewish pet fetuses only

Pets, Jewish, kosher, there you go Huh?

Now we're talking

You know what I'm saying?

Okay

Okay?

Come on You guys.

..

Oh, okay

L'chaim

So... What's the next one up here?

Hey Hey

Hey

Let me look at you Well, let me look at you for a second What?

What happened to you?

Here you go

You got so skinny What are you.

..

What are you doing?

Having your hair Your hair's.

..

Come over to visit me like that You look so skinny Sonny!

Go get us some milk and cookies How's the milk and cookies?

You got skinny

No, it's fine I'll go get them for you Go get them Vinny, you want them?

I'll go get them Oh, no, I ate at the airport I ate them Yeah, you sure?

Yeah

I have no problem going and getting them for you No, but thanks, though Thanks

You're all right It's fine I'll go get them for you We made some good stuff

Let me go on and get them No, no, really It's fine

I'll go inside Let me go inside We got a whole bunch of stuff

Let me just bring it out I think it'll be nice Everybody relax Um, okay

Let me go get them for you I think it's the

right thing to do Let me get the milk and cookies

No, I'm sorry Let me go get you the cookies

Let me go No, no, really, you know

I've eaten already He ate already I'm fine He ate already

Let me go get you the cookies and milk

Let me go get you the cookies I don't know Milk, yes

I have a couple bites

Sure

I have a couple of bites

I got three and a half pounds inside You can't take

a couple of bites What are you talking about here?

I have a little bit more What are you doing?

I have big, black, and beautiful

You know what?

You a sick motherfucker, man

Motherfucker, let me tell you one thing right now

You tell me anything you little ass want You see that?

I'm a queen, too, baby Don't queen out with me, honey,

because I almost got off So, since you're doing the

wrong way, motherfucker, you need to back the fuck off

You don't know who you fucking with right here

Honey, I'll race you for the bottom Do you see this?

You see this, baby?

You didn't get nothing like that

Motherfucker, fuck that Get the fuck away from me

Because I am not the move I want you to fuck me

And I'm on my motherfucking pit right now, bitch

Get the fuck away from me Get the fuck away from me, man Fuck me right now

Fuck you, man Fuck you Right here?

Hear me and hear me well

Don't fuck around with me today, okay?

I am not in the mood

Oh, I'll put you in the mood, Mr.

Clean Listen, man, fuck what you talking about

I am saving myself for the right man Rough

Oh, I like it rough Normally, I gotta pay extra for that

Damn, don't you understand, some man?

Leave me the fuck alone

All right?

I'm a virgin

You're a virgin?

Yes Oh, that's even better I want that

tight-hining hole of yours You'll never see it, man

Get the fuck off me Don't touch me Stick them up

Don't touch me, I'll say it Oh, come on, baby I need you I need you

There's no such thing as a virgin Come on You just talking shit

I don't hear that shit before You don't know nothing You're not big enough, man

Oh, I've got 10 big fat fucking inches Just waiting for your hole

Four, motherfucker Let's go, come on

Fuck, man Ha ha ha

Three and a half pounds of cookies inside, and you're not gonna have nothing.

You gotta have something. Something.

You gotta eat something.

Okay. All right, um...

If you want, I'll go and get... You want him, I'll go and get him.

Get him the cookies already! What are you doing? Come on, buddy.

He said he didn't want the cookies.

Get him the cookies! Get the cookies!

I'll go get the cookies. Well, I'll go in and get them now, all right?

Let me go in and get them. I'll take care of it.

Spitting, what do you want? We got...

We got... We got Oreos, we got vanilla cookies,

we got chocolate chip cookies, Godmother.

I think she just made them. We got everything fresh.

Um, I have some Oreos.

I made the chocolate chip he just told you.

Oh, okay. I made it myself.

I have some chocolate chip. You said you want Oreos.

You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna bring everything out on the tray.

You better eat it. You better eat it.

You better forget everything. You better have some.

Minnie, Minnie, Minnie, don't do this to me.

I don't want you to give me hot bread.

Don't do this to me in front of all the guys, all right? I don't do this.

Just tell me what you want.

I mean, you see, Godmother makes... Get her the chocolate chips.

I'll go get him the chocolate chip.

But if you want to bring some Oreos...

I'm gonna kill you. You're another one, you know that?

I gotta put up with him.

How's Hollywood treating you, Vinny?

Okay, I guess, you know.

You come to me when you have a problem.

Yeah. What's the problem? Well.

..

Promise... We ain't got no milk and we ain't got no cookies.

I'm talkin' here. You don't want no freakin' milk and cookies.

You send me in there.

Get outta here.

Cryin' out loud. You ain't got anything.

Forget it. You don't want them.

All right.

Get outta here, Ratty.

Vinny, what's the problem?

What, did you get another non-pregnant? Nah, I know.

What happened?

Well, I'm trying to get a part in this movie they cast him for.

And, um... You like this other guy better.

Who's the producer?

This, uh, Rabbi Rabinowitz.

Rabbi Rabinowitz?

Yeah, he's like... This Rabbi, I believe now, he's like... Rabbi Rabinowitz.

Sonny, listen, uh, you take care of that Rabbi Rabinowitz and, uh, Vinny.

Don't worry about Rabbi Rabinowitz,

because you know why?

I'm gonna make him an offer.

He can't refuse.

A Vince offer? Ah, Lorna.

Ooh.

Ahh.

Once upon a time, there was a man driving a truck on a deserted road,

loaded with toxic waste.

At that very same moment, there was an elephant charging in the opposite direction.

While that was going on, a meteorite plummeted towards Earth.

And in one fateful instant,

all three collided and created a huge explosion.

From that explosion came a new superhero for the 21st century,

Dickman!

It's the adventures of...

Dickman!

And now Dickman with superhuman strength.

Dickman, Dickman, Dickman!

Disguised as Dick hurts,

will help mankind in its neverending quest of fighting the lesbian community.

Cocksucker!

Oh, yeah, cocksucker!

We've gotta do something about it.

She's converting all our girlfriends into pregnant bimbos!

I know, half of our population is being pregnant all running by the year 2000.

We're gonna be in extinct species or something.

Tell me about it.

It's hard enough to find a good piece of ass.

Oh, yeah.

Dickman's not making it any easier.

Yeah, just lose her.

But it's not my fault.

You're such a big dick.

Oh, cocksucker!

Yeah, cocksucker!

I'm gonna do something about you!

Yeah, fix a real good boss in her little twitch here.

I'm gonna fix you.

If you take it off, he will come.

Oh, no!

Don't let her take off her shirt, you stupid idiot! Excuse me.

Fucking perv.

Coming up, Dickman confronts the dreaded vertical smile and Lorraine bobbit.

It's the adventures of Dickman!

Remember, if you take it off...

...he will come!

God damn it!

Yeah, doing it so beautiful.

Oh, God, that's so nice.

Oh, God, that's so nice.

I want you so much.

Things you'll never see.

A beautiful girl dating an older man who's poor.

Honey, should I buy this one?

No, we should save the money for the retirement fund.

Are you sure, honey?

I saved $200 from my pension and I sure like to buy that dress.

I know you do, sweetheart, but we really need to save that money for your future.

I love you.

I love you, too.

That's not a dope for me, baby.

Sheesh.

Check this out, y'all.

Come and take it straight, you know what I'm saying? From L.A., nigga.

And it's like this as I kick my first verse.

No, I ain't from New York, and I got heart.

Out of South Central, Joe climbing the charts.

Suck a step back in the state, Ellis.

Fuck, I got Compton, Oakland.

Yeah, we're all fat.

Verizon, Verizon, just like doing it.

If you add a little beer, yeast, I'll overflow.

I'm sowing like a bird when I'm on my own flight.

Just give me the mic and I'll glide like a kid.

Yo, what's up? This is J.

J. Cool J.

J.J.K. Cool.

J.K. Cool.

What's up?

Welcome to the What's Up Talk Show.

Today on the show, we got a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

And he's gonna rap to us about like, what's up with his viewpoint on like,

black people, right?

And, yo, man, I got one question to ask you, man.

How dumb are you to be on the show, motherfucker?

All right, we got to go right now.

Got to go pate right now, you know what I'm saying?

So we see you, okay? Feel it.

Yeah, tell me, can you feel it? Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

Owen Thall James Simpson, not guilty of the crime of murder

in violation of Penal Cult Section 187.

Ladies and gentlemen, the master of ceremonies, Slash!

Baby, over here. Come here. Over here.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a real fucking honor to be here at the world's famous toilet bowl.

And I want to thank my lovely...

Thank you, Slash. Please tell us about our first contestant.

Slash? Slash? Please tell us about our first contestant.

What? Okay, all right. What? All right.

Miss Pacoima, her hobbies are, you know, obviously taking drugs, intravenously.

She helps old ladies across the street with their wallets, you know?

I mean, that's one of those things that,

you know, you've got to give her credit for.

Sorry. Okay, that was contestant number one.

Now, Slash, please tell us about contestant number two.

Contestant number two is Mrs. Downtown Los Angeles.

She's been aligning shopping carts for fucking ten years, okay?

After she realized that it was unsuccessful, which I've seen her work, you know,

because I live around here, she decided to

solicitate herself in the streets and alleys.

And now she's become the number one public elephant.

Wait! Wait, Mrs. Downtown LA, you can't go into that area.

Mrs. Downtown LA, you cannot go into that area. Wait.

There's a lot of dangerous debris in that area.

Oh, man.

Hey, you're making that car smell bad.

All right, whatever. All right. All right.

Thank God Vince and Paco are on the scene.

Looks like Mrs. Downtown LA is going to be okay.

Yes, it looks like she's going to be okay.

That was contestant number two. The judges will be tallying up the votes now.

Now, Slash, please introduce us to contestant number three.

All right, all right.

Our third contestant, she's Miss Englewood,

which is flaunting the awesomely revealing swimmer from Pierre Jardin.

And the shopping cart is from Ralph's.

The bikini line was personally shaped by Vidal Sassoon.

That's contestant number three.

What the fuck is he holding here?

Come on! Come on!

This is contestant number three.

Please tell me about contestant number four, Slash. Slash.

Later.

I'm sorry. Wait, wait. Okay, contestant number four.

I didn't even know there was a contestant.

Yeah, there is a contestant number four.

She's been disqualified in an attempt to lure the judges

by offering her entertainment services.

You know, all things considered... No, no, no, no.

Let me show you. Let me show you right here.

Look, look at her spread the fatal virus to the judges.

That was an absolute travesty.

Why don't you tell us about the prizes, Slash? Um, well.

..

Will you hold it?

I... Will you hold it better than I do? All right.

Okay, all right.

Of course, all right.

The second runner-up, all right,

will receive an all-expense at Al's Hotel,

where there's always a vacancy.

Al himself will greet you with a warm smile.

When you get there, you will wine and dine at the hotel's garden restaurant,

where they're known for the delicious catfish platters.

Served with the world-famous gourmet a la limon sauce.

Oh, my personal favorite.

And on those hot, sunny days, take a dip when a team won his natural springs.

Uh, no, our first runner-up will receive a pedigree, full-blooded race dog.

Where?

Another stray dog with its own ingrown seat cushion.

And our first prize winner will receive their own gold shopping cart!

The judges have tallied up their final vote.

All right.

All right, Vince, can I have the envelope, please?

All right, Vince, can I have the envelope, please? Okay, man.

All right.

You guys did a good job, man.

I gotta be kidding.

Thanks, Doug.

You're a good game.

My phone needs to get turned away.

Guys, here we go!

This, this, this.

$99 Miss America Baby and Miss, Miss Beverly Hills! Hi, Vince.

Thank you.

You guys feel free?

Whoever you are can't slide.

See you in the year 2000, Chris America Bag Lady Padgett!

Bye-bye!

That's so beautiful, that's perfect!

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, you're gonna give it to me?

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, oh no, yeah!

Two nights ago I've met this producer, unless I thought he was,

and he told me he was a producer and he's doing a movie, you know,

a big budget movie and that I would be perfect for one of these roles.

I gave him my number and he set up an audition the next day, you know,

but he set it up in his apartment.

I thought it was really strange, you know, that he set it up in his apartment,

but I went over there anyway because...

I really, really wanted that part, you know.

The whole time I was there, you know, what he tried to do,

he just kept trying to take my clothes off.

I mean, I go over there and the guy just wants to take me to bed.

Move, motherfucker!

What the fuck are you looking at, asshole?

What the fuck are you looking at?

Open your fucking mouth, man, I'm gonna blow your fucking brains out.

You better do what I tell you to do, you hear me?

You stupid motherfucker!

Huh?

What the fuck are you looking at, you asshole? Huh? Nothing.

You're gonna do what I tell you, right?

Who do you call when someone breaks the law?

Roger that, I'm on the location.

Flirty Harry.

He's not only tough, he's gay.

I'll kill you, man!

You understand me? Let the boy go.

What are you doing here, you pig cock sucker?

What are you calling a pig?

I'm gonna blow his fucking brains all over the fucking wall, man pig.

Back up, you hear me?

Step back, asshole.

Go ahead.

Make me gay.

I really, really, really wanted that part, so I went over there.

And, you know, the whole time I was there,

he just kept trying to take my clothes off.

And, um... I mean, you know, I go to this man's house,

and I'm prepared, and I brought a picture and a resume,

and I even studied the night before, and...

Hey, sweetheart.

How you doing? Come here. You got a minute?

Drop it, scumbag.

Oh, shit! God damn it!

He always gets his man.

In the end.

Damn, I can feel the bo- He just kept trying to take my clothes off.

Can you believe that?

I mean, I can't believe it.

I go to this man's house, and all he tries to do is tries to take me to bed with him.

And then he just... He keeps trying to take me to bed with him.

He kept touching me, and kept touching me.

And he made me do things that I didn't want to do.

And I really don't know why he did that.

I really don't know why he had to do that.

I mean...

You're a man. Tell me, why did he have to do that?

Why did he have to do that? I hate men.

Oh, yeah, Donna. Oh, my God.

Oh, my, they want you so much.

Oh, yeah.

Are you picking my oranges? I'm Bill.

I own this fucking farm.

You say you're naturally blond?

Or something?

I eat her numbers.

Are you a lesbian?

I don't like lesbians.

Hurry up.

Are you from Hollywood? Are you, um.

..

Listen, I'm... Right until the X-lax kicks in, or something.

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, it's touchy.

That's my cousin Dick Drip.

Listen, are you taking my oranges?

My, you got a set of...

Are you SAG eligible?

All right, yeah, for my next trick.

Is this on?

Look, I wrote a film called Rear Entry.

Can I get your number?

Hey! Hey, it's Ocean.

I'm Vincenzo Barafongo.

And I'm Spanky Schwatsa. Welcome to the porno review.

The purpose of this film is to show you The purpose of this film is to orientate you

On the veritable plethora of the non-aesthetic coitus feature films.

Yeah, we're gonna show you a lot of naked shaved beaver.

Yeah.

So, uh... Yeah, all right.

So our first film that we're gonna check out is called Sushi Mama.

Let's see it.

Oh, honey.

Oh, please take off that tacky hat and make it look gay.

Oh, sorry, honey. I'll take it off.

Hello, honey.

I want to make love to you, Sushi Mama!

I give you foreplay, look.

No flick tongue.

Oh, you hat, man.

Oh, I want you to suck.

Hold on. I hear the knot.

I couldn't move for a second. Okay, stand up.

I want to see you naked, okay? Okay, I didn't.

..

Oh, yeah. I didn't take any clothes off.

They're nice. I like it a lot.

But I want to see...

titties, yay!

Oh, you son of a... It's kind of sexy to throw them.

Stand up, please, stand up.

I want to be gentle.

I want to make love to you.

God, you've got more titties than all of China.

I swear to God, lady.

Oh, thank you.

Tonight, we make love on sacred table.

I set you down softly, my little flower.

This looks like a great table.

Aye! Aye!

Cheerio!

Aye?

I need to calm down.

Mr. Horny.

It's foreplay time now.

I give you combination, lambada, forbidden dance,

Hong Kong hustle,

Hong kid chicken,

and my favorite pet king duck.

Disco style!

And, of course, the macarena.

Okay. I want a little number, 69.

And I don't mean Mongolian beef with no peas.

Give it to me!

I can't believe you broke sacred table.

That table's been in our family for years,

and your fat ass goes in breaks.

Now we gotta make love behind the stupid silhouette.

I'm sorry, honey.

What the hell was that?

Nothing, maybe it's your upper lip.

No, it smells like bologna.

Never ate the bologna.

You ate bologna?

God damn it!

You farted!

I swear, I've never ate bologna.

You're a killer, you crazy bitch.

Yeah, I like this film, you know.

I thought those nips couldn't drive,

but he sure drove our reggos home.

Yeah, he sure did.

I thought it was a very riveting home session with an apocalyptic ending,

which had overtones of fear, pain, sadness.

Yeah, and a nice piece of yellow peel mahi mahi.

I'm fucking funny, ain't I?

Anyway, Joe, what do you give this fucking thing?

Let's take a look at the mangle level, okay?

Dude, check it out, dude.

Ah, 2.3.

Damn, pretty good film.

Not as good as the last one, but pretty good.

All right, Joe.

Now, our next flick is called Donna of the Dead.

Get that phone, will you?

All right, Donna of the Dead.

It's a necrophiliac thing, she's dead.

If it's my mom, I'm not here.

Donna of the Dead.

Starring Stacey Stiff as Donna.

Also starring Arnold Swollenpecker as Willy.

What the hell are you doing there?

Are you having a fair with Donna?

Fuck!

Winner of the Van Nuys Critics Award for Best Actor in a Video.

Donna, fuck yeah.

And now, Donna of the Dead.

We needed to talk, Donna.

Yes, we do.

Yeah, you know what?

I feel you're fighting with two man-fucking-men.

Wait, wait.

Oh, look at you.

You're always sitting so provocatively.

Uh-huh.

Don't play games with me.

Don't fucking play games with me.

I'm telling you, don't play games with me.

Don't want that.

Yeah, no games.

I saw you giving the guy your eye.

I saw, yeah.

What the heck?

Why do I put up with you?

Why? Tell me why, why, why, why, why, why?

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?

I don't understand that.

Yeah, cause you are so hot.

Fuck.

I want to put in my dick.

Fat, big, Jewish piece of meat.

Inside your nasty, filthy, yeah, dirty trash.

Trap hole.

So then, I can really, truly express myself.

Oh, look at this.

Give it to me.

Oh, yeah, Donna.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my, they want you so much.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Donna.

What the hell are you doing here?

Are you having a fair with me, Donna?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

I want to party on your pussy.

You want to party here, pussy?

Oh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

So why don't you have some of her pussy?

Yeah, oh, come on, yeah, do it.

I want to talk to the canoe driver.

That's right.

Yeah, that's how she really likes in and out, yeah.

You got a big, fat pussy.

Yeah, keep it going.

Vertical smirk.

Yeah, that's right.

Just fucking do it.

I'm going to come over in another corner just to masturbate.

Yeah, right here.

Juicy pussy.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, Donna.

Donna, I want you so much.

Oh, yeah.

Donna, yeah.

Oh, gonna do it.

Come on, Donna.

Yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah.

Fuck, shit.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do it.

Do it.

Feel it.

Feel it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, Donna.

So fuck, yeah.

She like this fucking post boy, yeah.

I'm going to have every single woman in this fucking town.

You're going to see it.

I'm going to show you how good I am.

I am the fucker here.

I am the fucker.

Did you get that? Yeah, you did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, you are just a bitch.

You are a bitch, you know that?

You are nothing, yeah.

Wait until I'm going to fuck your pussy.

You're going to see what's going to happen to you.

Yeah, I'm the fucker here.

I am one.

You know that?

You know that?

Tell me, son of a bitch.

You know that?

What are you thinking?

You're going to fuck with my butt.

No, no, no, no.

Never, never.

I'm yours.

You are mine.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

See, Donna?

You fucker, that pussy boy.

I'm going to show you.

I'm going to pay you back.

Pay you back, fucking Rachel.

I'll show you how it is.

Oh, yes.

Fucking shit.

This is a good way to be out here, right? Oh, yeah.

Fucking shit.

The fucker.

I like that one.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, I like that one.

Do you guys like that one? I hope we did.

The background scenery.

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why? Fuck shit.

Fuck shit, fuck shit.

Why, why?

The lacking classes helped them a lot.

Yeah, definitely.

Her too.

Well, I actually think she's a pretty good actress.

I really think she's come of age.

Yeah, come of age.

She's really come of age like a piece of cheese.

All right.

Like a piece of cheese.

Jeez, that funny.

Shut up.

I think it's... All right.

All right, let me check out the mango level, okay?

All right, let's check it out.

Let's see what we got over here.

Whoa.

3.2.

3.2.

Not bad.

Not bad, Joe.

Not bad.

All right.

Our next flam... Flam.

Flam.

It's called Sperm Lake.

Let's take a look.

It's a classic.

Here.

Joe, isn't that your twin sister in that film? Yeah.

This is sick, dude.

Getting off on your own sister?

This is freaking sick.

Wait, let me check out the mango level on this guy.

Hold on one second.

You're getting all over him,

but you're the one who was breastfeeding until you were 13.

That was my stepmom.

Shut the fuck up.

13.

Jesus.

Joe, that's pretty sick.

9.2.

His own sister.

All right.

Oh, man.

This week's Palma Lihanderson Award goes to Sperm Lake with 9.2.

Anyway, I'm Vincenzo Butterfungu.

And I'm Spanky Shvatza.

Hey Tony, from Sheepsphere Bay.

What's up? Hi, Mom.

Let's get it.

All right.

I don't know what you mean from Sheepsphere Bay.

I don't think my mom will be watching us.

Let's get out of here.

All right.

Bye-bye, fake spot.

Bye.

Things you'll never see.

A jury making a right decision.

Jury, have you reached a verdict?

Will the defendant please rise? Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Well, you know, I kind of think this is just

another ploy to keep the black man down.

So I'm going to have to say not guilty on this one.

Not guilty, motherfucker.

Yo, my man, Judge Mitsubishi trying to keep her brother down.

You know, just because a brother want to hit

the Skizzans, you got to take away his manhood.

My motherfucker was framed.

Mm-hmm.

Like my fucking picture on the wall.

You know what I'm saying? What? Word.

Say what?

I said not guilty, bitch.

What you dumbass hunky crackerhead motherfucker,

albino nigger talking about.

Man, I'll be damned if I'm going to let y'all hickory dickory howdy-doody.

Motherfuckers keep me in here till it changes the century.

The damn facts planted a snake bite on your chalky, white ass.

And I got my bitch waiting at home for me, butt naked in the bed.

And I swear, man, if I ain't home by half past, motherfucking yesterday,

you two bitch-ass vanilla twirl motherfucking coconut-head bastards,

best be calling me Big Daddy.

Guilty.

Yeah, I am sorry for that part.

I'd say guilty, I'd say plenty of evidence.

Okay, ha ha, guilty, good.

Plenty of evidence, so I'd give a thumbs up.

You know, in the words of Michael Jackson.

Yeah, that's... You know what I'm saying?

That works for me.

Yeah.

That's good.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Ooh, baby.

Yeah, that's right.

Hi, Big Black and Beautiful.

What do you say we go back to my place and I'll bank some real balls?

You gotta be one crazy little white motherfucker, man.

Ooh, butch, I love that.

Ah!

Look, man, don't fuck with me today.

I'll fuck you.

No, don't fuck with me.

Okay, you can fuck me.

We can negotiate.

I'm not like that, so you don't understand something.

I'm a virgin.

Your cherry's been banged back so far.

It's a taillight.

Fuck you, man.

No, I am not fucking you,

because I'm saving myself for the right man.

And Mr. Right White is right here.

That's not you, no.

Take me.

Look, I've heard that shit before.

Don't make me get butch.

I want you to get butch.

Listen to what the fuck I'm trying to tell you.

It is not you.

Understand that, man.

Damn.

For a hundred bucks, I'll be anything you want.

Fuck that, man.

You are sick.

You know that?

I know, and that's why you love me.

Look at this.

No, this ain't right, man.

You were ready to mount me right here.

No, no, no, no.

Fuck your take me.

Fuck my take me.

Give me some loops.

No, no, listen.

Crazy white motherfucker, listen.

I don't like white guys.

I don't.

Your hair smells.

Well, okay, I'm half Puerto Rican.

Are you? Let's go.

Really? Yeah.

Hey, Vince.

Hey.

Ask me about the movie.

I got a really good idea for the end of the movie,

because it's got to be very spectacular.

Yeah, spectacular.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, dude, what'd you do last night?

I was at the pen.

Dude, you were at the pen? Yeah.

I guess we just missed you.

Honey, he was at the pen.

We missed him.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Hey, so, hey, dude, did you get pork last night? Yeah.

You did? Yeah.

Yeah, me too, man.

She's coming out of the water right now.

Cool.

Hey, so listen, I got to go.

She's coming.

So I'll give you a call later, okay? Okay.

Give her a kiss for me.

Okay, see you later.

Bye.

See ya.

Come here, honey.

Come here.

Oh, not now.

Come here, honey.

Oh, not now.

Oh, not now.

Come here, honey.

Oh, not now, honey, not now.

Oh.

How am I going to end this film in a spectacular way?

Golden Boy wants me to go surfing, but that's been done.

I don't even know how to surf.

Now, if I had a famous person at the end of the movie, now that could help.

But where would I find the famous...

Oh, you're beautiful.

Thank you.

Um, aren't you famous?

Yes, I'm famous for being famous.

Oh, that's great, because we're putting together this film.

Yeah.

And I don't think anyone's going to want to sit through it

unless we have someone famous at the end of it.

Uh-huh.

So you think it can help us out?

Get in the car, we'll talk about it.

Oh, that's great.

Um...

Um... Hey, jiggle, you're my hairball.

Through the moral quarantine Does your repression only serve if they're not?

Do your views objectify?

All the emotions you defeat You've got the will of life that you're being

Because you make you silenced All the critics of your misogynistic lies

You wake up from your memories You better realize that you're a model of a really

Special min divide As you devour you with power The false ego trapped inside

And by the virtue of your god rest You've engaged yourself To those, to those

You hold in high esteem Because you make you silenced

All the critics of your misogynistic lies But when you wake up

from your memories You better realize that you're a rectified

Bad attitude

You're a hopeless case And now you're too late to get a rectified

Bad attitude

You're a hopeless case And now you're too late Call her a whore

She's just the same as you No, she could never be that tallow

But you just take what you can get Then you throw the rest away

I'm not on your belt, I never score another leg

Think you've silenced all the minutes of your misogynistic fight

But when you wake up from no memories, you'd better realize

You're rectified, bad attitude You're hopeless case And now you're too late

You're rectified, bad attitude You're hopeless case And now you're too late

Call her a whore She's just the same as you No, she could never be that shallow

But you just take what you can get Then you throw the rest away

I'm not! I'm your belt! I never score! I never lay!

I think you've silenced all the critics of your misogynistic class

But when you wake up from your memories, you

better realize You got rectified! That attitude!

You're an open space! And now you're too late!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Yes!

Ha ha ha ha!

That's why it's called the Underground Comedy Movie

Take care of your happiness!

Take care of your happiness!

Live in a world of fun!

I'll live and I'll never die!

Keep my mind open for this life!

Keep waiting for something from it!

I'm running out of time!

I'm so tired of this stanker!

I'm running out of time!

Stanker!

Stanker!

Stanker!

Stanker!

Stanker!

I'm running out of time!

I'm running out of time!

I'm running out of time!

I'm running out of time!

I'm running out of time!

I'm running out of time!

Oh, you're reaping now, huh?

I'm not good enough to stay for?

There's more shit to see!

This body is crazy movie I swear to God!

I'm running out of time!

Keep my mind open for this life!

I'll never die!

I'll never stay here!

Oh, you decided to stay!

You took my advice! Good for you!

Any directors or producers out there?

Look, I'm an actor!

Watch me, watch me!

Look at this!

Oh, you talking to me?

Oh, you talking to me?

I could play that man! I'm a genius!

Everyone, look at my tiny Asian ass!

George Michael, I want to be in your video!

I can dance, and I can sing, and I got ideas and stuff!

Oh, baby, I'm really good!

Oh, you're gonna leave?

Still poof!

Feel the power of my dick!

I hate you when you leave!

You people in the aisle!

Sit down!

Sit down or I'll kick your ass like a jacket tan!

By the way, I'm better than a jacket tan!

I do all my own stuff!

This is real, baby!

I'm getting hurt here!

Oh, what the fuck?

You're still leaving?

God damn!

I don't want to be here either!

I could be playing pie girl right now!

God damn!

Don't go anywhere!

My name is next in the credits!

I'll kick your ass like this, baby!

My name is Bobby Lee!

Look for me!

Yes, my name, right there, Bobby Lee!

Boys, my daughter, he written my daughter crazy!

I am so fucking mad!

I was supposed to get a stand card out of

this, and someone goes and dubs over my voice!

Fuck me!

Which one?

Go!

No, man, I suppose I have a trip.

My god.

Oh, man.

They don't see us.

They don't...

what? Man, I don't know.

Don't look over here, bitch! Oh, shit.

Let's get outta here.

Come on.

That is not fair.

Another dollar, another bill collecting color, I'm disillusioned and let down

Cause all my heroes are junkies now, I've been down this road

In the end it's all the same, every day I'm getting older

I don't gain a finished change, I've been down this road

I'm wrong but I know I'm right, hard pressed

I'm making it better And I got no will to fight

26 and I'm flat broke, I've been down so long, I've given up hope, shattered the anxiety, there's so much more, I wanna be, I often wonder where I'll rip off, but I can't remember it's been too long, I think the wild things will wanna change, but I know I never will understand this way, I've been down this road, in the end it's all the same, another day I'm getting older, another day I'm feeling strange, I've been down

this road, I'm wrong, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down this road, I've been down

Another day, another dollar, another bill collecting

color, I'm disillusioned, it let down, Cuz I'm

In the end, it's all the same Another day, I'm getting older

Another day, nothing has changed I've been down this road

I'm wrong and I know I'm right I'm pressed

to make it better And I got no work to fight

26 and I'm flat broke I've been down so long I've given up hope

Shenandooh's anxiety, there's so much more I wanna be

I have to wonder where I went wrong But I can't remember it's been too long

I think for a while, I think the war will change

But I know I never will, I'm finished as well I've been down this road

In the end, it's all the same Another day, I'm getting older

Another day, nothing has changed I've been down this road

I'm wrong and I know I'm right I'm pressed to

make it better And a guy knows we're gonna fight