Original subtitles

We're going to hit 20?below 0?

But tomorrow it'll start to warm up.

I never thought I'd say this,

But can we turn the tv off and go back to studying? Eww.

I can't even believe that that's ms. Tutweiller

Doing the weather 30 years ago.

Excuse me! 10 years ago.

Wow, must have been a rough 10 years.

All righty,

So we'll be putting together a newscast that's going to air

On the ship's closed-circuit tv station.

- Now does anyone have any questions? - Oooh!

- London? - Why didn't you look in the mirror

Before you went on tv?

Any questions that won't hurt my feelings?

?oh ay oh, oh ay oh ?/i>

?come along with me ?/i>

?and let's head out to see ?/i>

?what this world has ?/i>

?for you and for me now ?/i>

?whichever way the wind blows ?/i>

- ?we say... ?/i> - ?hey-ho, let's go! ?/i>

- ?oh ay oh ?/i> - ?this boat's rocking ?/i>

- ?oh ay oh ?/i> - ?ain't no stopping us now ?/i>

?'cause we're living the suite life ?/i>

- ?oh ay oh ?/i> - ?this boat's rocking ?/i>

- ?oh ay oh ?/i> - ?rocking the whole world round ?/i>

?and we're living the suite life now ?/i>

?hey ho! Oh ay oh ?/i>

?let's go! ?/i>

Hey, y'all.

Zack, give me an extra large berry bonanza.

But hold the strawberries, blueberries, boysenberries and yogurt.

- That would just be a cup of whipped cream. - Yep, bring it on!

So what's new?

We're going to be doing a new show on the ship's tv station.

Oh, that's great! You know, I don't want to brag or anything,

But I had the highest-rated show on that station.

It was called "boat cops."

Oh yeah! I saw the one where you caught the buffet bandit.

Well, it's hard to run with a whole leg of lamb in your pants.

Mm-hmm! "boat cops" made people think twice

About committing crimes on the s.S. Tipton.

- So why isn't it on anymore? - Somebody stole my camera.

There you go. That'll be $3.50.

Oh man! Somebody done jacked my wallet!

But I'm taking this. Huh-uh.

"pickpockets, a growing problem."

That's going to be my first on-air report.

Who says you're going to get on the air? This is news, not snooze.

Uh, let's ask ms. Tutweiller.

- Oh, yeah! - All: Ms. Tutweiller?

Ms. Tutweiller, do you have a second?

Of course, cody. Why would I need time to relax

After teaching six classes, sitting in gum

And being stood up for a date via video chat?

- Oh, good, so you're free! - ( groans )

We want to know who gets what job for the news show.

Now of course I'll be the anchorman, but what about all these clowns?

How do you know it'll be an anchor"man" and not an anchorwoman?

Or just an anchor? Hello, people,

We are on a ship.

- Now listen-- - that is ridiculous.

( all arguing )

Whistle. Whistle whistle!

Whistle!

- What are you doing? - I was trying to get your attention,

But I don't know how to whistle.

Look, I will give you your assignments tomorrow.

This is my personal time.

( sighs )

Oh, fine!

Zack... Bailey, you will be co-anchors;

Cody, you're a field reporter; woody, cameraman;

London, you'll be a meteorologist.

( gasps ) you mean I have to hurtle toward the earth at thousands of miles per hour?

I don't know if I can do that.

Well, you don't have to, but I'd appreciate it.

Oh! And of course my break time is over.

Ew, ms. Tutweiller, your pants are all wrinkly.

( all gasp )

Those are her legs? Oh.

So for my intro, which camera am I talking to?

- We only have one camera. - Got it.

Camera one.

Howdy, support staff.

Ooh, hey, honey, can you top this off?

Hot chocolate with six marshmallows. Boom.

I am not your assistant. I'm your co-anchor.

You do know what "co" means?

Yes, "co" get me some more hot chocolate

With six marshmallows.

Oh, okay, we are on in 10 seconds.

London: Oh, leave me. Leave me, leave me.

- ( exhales ) - might want to put a little lipstick

On that kisser-- give the male viewers some eye candy.

Hey! Watch the hair.

Five, four three...

?toot-da-toot-da-toot... ? pan pan!

Hello! And welcome to "seven seas news."

I'm your anchorman zack martin.

- Our first story today-- - and I'm bailey pickett,

The other anchor"person."

Well, okay, baby gets her bottle.

For our first story today, we turn to shuffleboard

Where mrs. Pepperman set a personal best

By only stopping to go to the bathroom four times!

Way to go, mrs. P. Or should I say mrs. Pee-pee?

You feel me, camera number one.

In real news,

A recent report from the union of maritime workers

Found that male employees still make 30% more than their female counterparts.

Way to go, guys!

Let's shoot for 40!

Now let's kick it over to cody martin

With the latest news from the hot tub! Cody.

- ( giggling ) - hold still!

- I'm trying to hook up your earpiece. - Quit it. That tickles.

- You're on! - We're on?!

Hi mom!

( flatly ) and steve.

That's her new husband.

She wants me to call him dad, but it just doesn't feel right.

So, cody, a lot of activity on the sky deck?

Yes-- microbial activity.

I analyzed a water sample I took from the hot tub,

And found it teeming with bacteria.

Well, unless they're cute bacteria in bikinis,

We're not interested.

Uh... And now the weather with london.

- ( giggles ) - go! Go go go!

- London! - Oh!

Hello, everyone. This is london fog,

Bringing you the up-to-minute weather.

Right now it's comfortably cool with a slight breeze coming in from the vent.

Not the weather in here! The weather outside.

Oh, okay. I'll go check.

One minute.

Wrap it up. Pan!

So that's the news for today. This is zack martin saying--

- And bailey pickett! - --Keep your head above water,

Unless you're a tuna fish. Then you'll die.

What?

?toot-da-toot-da-toot. ?

And clear! Ha! Great job, guys!

"unless you're a tuna fish"?

That's my catchphrase. Come up with your own.

- You're an idiot. - Sorry, that's cody's catchphrase.

Here you go. I wrote my name on the front,

And on the back, I wrote the thing I've been looking for my entire life...

Oh! ( giggles )

There you go.

Bailey, pickett-- "seven seas news."

I'd be happy to sign something for you,

If you'd like me to. I mean, really.

Did you see that? How come no one wants me to sign anything?

Here's the check.

I told you to put a little makeup on that frying pan you call a face.

So, woody, what do you think

I should wear for my weather report tonight?

Ooh, maybe a sundress! But what if it rains?

I wish I knew what the weather was going to be.

I so should have been the weathergirl.

As long as I'm in front of the lens, the forecast is "hot"!

Hey, guys, your show yesterday was great!

- It was? - Yeah, I love those fake-news comedy shows.

They're so funny. ( laughing )

Cody, you were the best. "uh-oh, there's cooties in the hot tub."

It was supposed to be a serious news broadcast.

Oh, come on, man. You're killing me.

Great job, you guys! For your first broadcast everyone gets an "a."

The ratings were through the roof.

We kicked "boat cops"' butt.

Big deal! Does your show have an action figure?

( shrieks ) a teeny tiny kirby! It's so cute.

I'm gonna get me a sandwich.

( laughs )

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Donut shop. - Donut shop.

Students, take your places.

Right here.

You're wearing makeup?

Yeah, you might want to try it.

I see you're still going with the walking-dead look.

I don't have to change my look to pander to the male viewership.

Mm-hmm.

London, go stand by your weather map.

I still don't understand what map you're talking about.

I mean the big green screen!

We chromakey in the map. That's an electronic process

Whereby preselected colors are keyed out

And replaced by an alternative background image.

It's all done by magical leprechauns, whoo!

Oh, wow!

Ms. Tutweiller, we're on.

Oh, spin the globe! ?toot-da-toot-da-toot-- ?

- Oh! - Uh, pan to zack.

Welcome to "seven seas news." I'm your anchorman zack martin.

- And I'm bailey-- - our lead story tonight,

Limbo-contest controversy-- if a little person wins,

Is it cheating or a win with an asterisk?

And that's coming right up after these short messages.

Hold it!

- Ouch! - Sorry, sweetie.

This is cody martin with breaking news.

- This ship is missing a passenger. - ( gasps )

Ooh ooh, I hope it's bailey!

It's too early to tell if foul play is involved,

But as soon as we know, you'll know.

This is cody martin with "seven seas news."

- Back to you, zack. - And bailey!

Sorry, sweetie.

Cody, you can't say something on the air that isn't backed up by facts.

Look, someone's missing and I have a hunch foul play is involved.

And great reporters, they follow their hunches.

They also back them up with sources.

And if you don't find one, it's going to hurt your grade

And you'll have to do an on-air retraction.

Never! I've never had to do a retraction before.

You've never done a story before.

Hey, shut up, woody.

Woody, the camera!

- Oh! - Go!

I'll prove I'm right.

Okay, all right, let's get this train back on track.

Let's go to weather. Pan pan!

- Pan! - Weather? Is that me?

Yes yes yes!

Tomorrow it's gonna be cold, so bundle up! Brrr!

Oooh, look! I'm disappearing.

( laughs )

I wish.

My body's gone!

Maybe I'm the missing passenger!

Okay, guys, we are throwing out the script.

Cody found a source for his missing-persons' story.

So at the top of the broadcast, just throw it right to him.

Okay? Okay.

Ready? We're on in--

Five, four, three--

?dun da-dun da-dun da-dun dun dun! ?

Pan pan.

Good evening, I'm zack martin.

- And I'm-- - no time for that!

Tighter.

We now go to cody martin for a special report.

Cody.

Missing at sea: Day two.

We now have confirmation from a ship's employee

That a passenger is missing.

The source has agreed to be interviewed

Under the condition that he remain anonymous.

Can you confirm that there should be

2,000 passengers onboard?

( high-pitched throughout ) yes, honey!

I checked and rechecked the ship's manifest.

- And what are you doing now? - Eating a sandwich.

Do y'all have any mustard?

- It's on the table, kirby. - Oh.

Woody! Anonymous means that nobody knows who that is!

Sorry, kirby.

Uh-- rats!

Have you ascertained who the missing passenger is?

Nope.

Are you doing anything to safeguard the well-being

Of the other passengers on this ship?

- Well, uh... - Good heavens, man!

How many more people have to disappear before you

Put down the sandwich and get off your butt?

I don't know, eight?

You're a disgrace.

( normally ) hey, man, take it easy. I thought we were friends.

Journalists don't have any friends-- just sources.

And a cold cup of java.

So you're basically doing nothing, is that correct?

( high-pitched ) no, we have put our best man on the job--

Kirby morris. He's dedicated, brilliant and incredibly cuddly.

Ooops, I dropped my--

Pay no attention to the security guard behind the curtain.

( shrieks )

Thank you, anonymous source.

?toot-da-toot-da-toot... ? pan pan!

Good evening, I'm zack martin with a special report.

Bailey pickett!

We have been able to ascertain the identity of the missing passenger

And it is one richard gold--

Though registered in cabin 1123,

He has not been seen by anyone.

Was he left at port or does some grisly scene

- Await us behind his door? - We find out as we go live--

- --Go live to our field reporter cody-- - --martin.

- I hate-- - --you.

Missing at sea: Day three.

We are outside cabin 1123 bringing you up close to the action

- With our roving newscam. - ( woody mimics helicopter )

- What are you doing? - It's newscopter tipton 1.

Our eye in the sky.

Woody, we're inside! There's no room for a helicopter in here.

Aaah! Mayday mayday!

( mimics explosions ) ahhhh!

We're getting reports of an accident with tipton 1.

We'll continue to follow the story and bring you details as they become available.

Back to you, cody.

Okay.

As I was saying, we are outside cabin 1123,

The cabin of richard gold. We are moments away

From finding out what lies beyond this door,

As security guard kirby morris figures out how to gain entry. Kirby?

I was just gonna knock.

Has kirby given any indication of how he plans on knocking?

Will he use his knuckles or will he use some sort of knocking stick?

"knocking stick"? There's no such thing.

Well, how about that?

There's no answer. I'm gonna have to use my passkey.

You ready to go in, little buddy?

- Let's roll! - One more day left till retirement

- Then you're home free. - Let's roll.

Wait. I feel I must warn you.

What you're about to see could be very disturbing.

Our more squeamish viewers might want to turn away.

Not you, woody!

- You have to stay! - Okay, but I gotta warn you,

I'm a vomiter.

( dramatic music playing )

I'm so scared.

Uh, keep the camera on me!

Hey, you know.

- ( thuds ) - ( girlish screaming )

- Bailey: Cody, are you okay? - What's happening?

( panting ) severed arm!

Help! Requesting-- ( coughs ) backup.

No-oooo!

Little kirby! Stay with me.

Tiny officer down, tiny officer down!

( sobs )

We're getting reports of an officer-involved injury.

What's going on in there?

Well, zack, as best as I can ascertain

We have a crushed doll and a cabin full of women's clothing.

Well, we certainly are learning a lot about richard gold.

I see nothing too horrific,

Although some of these fashion choices are a little gaudy for this reporter's taste.

Ooh, this is cute.

- London, you're contaminating the crime scene. - Oooh.

Crime scene? Did someone try to steal my clothes?!

- London, this is your cabin? - ( gasps )

Uhh...

( deep voice ) who's london?

I am richard gold.

Now please leave my cabin,

Which isn't london's that she secretly booked to store her clothes.

So richard gold, or rich gold, is that an alias?

No, it's a fake name.

Look, I had no choice.

Daddy's making me go to this stupid sea school

And live in a teeny tiny cabin with way too small closets

And a roommate that smells like corn.

( whispers ) she's not wrong.

What will be the fallout from this shocking revelation?

This reporter will work tirelessly

To find out the real case--

All right, all right, that's it, dude. You're done.

Wow, that girl has a lot of clothes.

Maybe she can lend you something to give you a break from this mailman look.

- Mailman, eh? - Yeah.

Well, here's a little special delivery.

Hey!

- Oops, forgot the stamp. - Ow ow ow!

Hey, watch the hair-- oh!

Oh, you think that's bad? Check out your mascara.

( shrieking )

And now for the weather. Pan pan pan!

Today the "s.S." in s.S. Tipton

Stands for super sunny!

No, oh oh oh!

I guess I'm a little under the weather! ( laughs )

Pan up, pan up.

And clear!

Great show, bailey.

Has been canned.

Thanks a lot, cody. Good work.

Hey, don't blame him! I'm pretty sure

We lost some viewers when you and your mascara started running.

( class laughing )

No, zack is right.

It's my fault we got canceled.

I thought someone was missing, but there was no story there.

- I'm a joke. - Ms. Tutweiller: No, cody!

You're a journalist. You smelled a scoop,

Pursued your sources, got your facts straight,

And in the end you uncovered a real story.

Yeah, thanks a lot, cody!

Now I'm supposed to get by with just one closet.

- And a shoe submarine. - And a clothing blimp.

- And a purse barge. - What's your point?

So if we were canceled, what did they replace us with?

( siren blares )

?big boy, big boy ?/i>

?coming after you ?/i>

?coming after you when my sandwich is through ?/i>

?big boy... ?/i>

Freeze! Bring back those crab legs.

- Hey, these are mine! - I'll make you--

Gimme that. Uh-huh.

Oh, these are king crab legs, mm-hmm.

You, zack! Come on back.

You better give me my-- give me my clothes.

You gonna get me in trouble.

( kissing )

What do you think you're doing?

Well, nothing now.

?big boy, big boy ?/i>

?coming after you ?/i>

?coming after you when my sandwich is through ?/i>

?big boy. ?/i>

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