All language subtitles for Roseanne s09e12 Home For The Holidays

Why isn't it coming out so good? The O's
all lopsided.

Well, plop your head down and I'll trace
around it.

All right, what do you guys think?

The different shades of blue represent
how sad we've been since your dad's been

gone.

Well, I'm sure some airport janitor will
be very touched when he pulls it out of

the trash.

All right, come on, people. We've got to
leave here in about five minutes.

Well, I'm done.

Yeah, that's great, darling.

Come on now, I want to meet him at the
gate, and everything's got to be

And we really got to hurry because the
traffic is awful.

Well, I'm an arm away from being ready,
so the rest of you get moving.

Meet you out there.

Great. Limo's out front.

All right.

All right, Andy, we're going to the
airport, and since we got the big bucks

Mommy's going to get you one of those
fancy airport pretzels.

Whoa!

Look at the size of that limo. It is
like... Twice the size of our trailer.

Mark, now you double -checked Dan's
arrival time, right? Yeah, yeah, his

comes in at noon, but I added on another
two hours because we're in central

time. Mark, no, you told me that his
plane leaves at nine, which is 11 o

our time, which means he gets in at
four.

For Lanford time or California time?

No, no, the plane leaves at 9 o 'clock
our time, which is 7 o 'clock their

which means he does get in at noon.

Noon as in Lanford time or noon as in
California time?

Wait a minute. I think Dad's been at the
airport for two hours.

All right, everybody shut up and let's
get going, except Mark.

You stay here and figure out why we left
you home.

Come on.

Come on.

What doesn't kill us is making us
stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that
greatest wall in China.

Hold that rabbit with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've heard
while waiting for my turn,

it's that in each last of a rainfall,
but you also get some sun that will

make us better than okay.

Yeah.

Hey, I didn't know you were here.

Well, that's okay. You can stay. I
already wrapped your presents.

You know, I couldn't help it, Dan. I
tried not to, but I got totally caught

in the materialism of the holiday.

Well, honey, that's one way money ain't
gonna change us.

God, it was so weird doing all the
Christmas shopping without you this

Well, yeah, you didn't have anybody to
carry your heavy stuff or hold your

purse.

But you do have a new strapping young
man.

What with the new DJ.

I can't believe how much he's grown, you
know. I think we can go ahead and take

that guardrail off his bed now.

I'm just glad you're home, Dan, because
we can start getting back to normal

around here now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I was thinking?

After the holidays and everything calms
down a little bit, I think me and you,

we should go away on a trip together,
alone, you know. And I was thinking

the Riviera or the Wisconsin Dells.

Wow.

Got back from that big trip to
California.

I know, but, I mean, we haven't been to
the Dells for a really long time. I'm

sure they let us back in by now.

Yeah, we don't have to decide on it
right now, do we?

No.

No, you know, we can, you know, think
about it whenever.

No, I'm just trying to say, Dan, I'm so
glad that you're home.

You know, I mean, I was only bringing up
the idea of a trip because I thought

it's something that you'd like. Yeah, I
do. But, you know, got to do it right

now or... Is something wrong, Dan?

I'm sorry, honey. I'm just tired.

I guess I got some of that jet lag.

Oh, yeah, that's probably it.

Probably it, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know, baby.

How about in a couple days, maybe me and
you go out for a big dinner?

You know, just you and me.

Maybe if you like, I'll take you up to
Chicago.

Wow, food. Out of town. I can hardly
wait.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, listen, I'm going to go ahead and
shave so I don't tear up the pillowcase.

Or me.

What you got there?

New -fangled electric razor? This is
like the kind they got in that, uh,

Scharfer Image catalog.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's
all this?

Oh, that's my 12 -step recovery program
to more vital skin.

See, I got it at that spa I went to.

Well, I don't know, honey. You got
moisturizers. I got me an electric

Guess there's no going back.

or we can trade.

Well, visions of sugar plums dancing
their heads. Hey, sugar plum!

We really use a hand here.

Hey, I wanted a living tree. No, you
butchers are going to have to deal with

your own carnage.

Could you shut the door? It's freezing
in here.

Well, they're back, huh? Mm -hmm.

Yep, and this year they actually went to
a tree farm.

Don't tell me you paid for a tree. Yep,
that nursery security guard bulked up

for nothing.

All right, well, last night, huh?

You and Dan, huh?

How was it?

Good. Oh, come on, Roseanne. It's been a
long time for you guys. Was it wild and

intense? Was it like the first time?
Well, his dad didn't catch us this time,

that's true.

do not have fine sex.

Oh, come on, Jackie. You know, it's been
months and everything, and he was kind

of nervous, and so was I. But the most
important thing is that when he crawled

into bed next to me, you know, and I
felt that familiar sag in his side of

mattress, it just felt like I was home.
You know, I just felt like everything

was going to be okay.

Well, let me ask you something. When I
talk about Carlos, do I sound that

You could get a part on any Mexican soap
opera.

Well, I'd say Dan does seem very happy.
His mom must be doing better.

Yeah, yeah, they got her on pills and
everything.

What are you doing? You're squishing my
balls.

I'm making Angel's thumbprints.

No, these are rum balls.

Now that you've made them into rum
blobs.

Rum blobs? What's the difference? It's
going to taste the same.

Not to me.

I've spent all this time rolling these
things to custom fit my mouth. Now fix

them.

No, look, like this.

But it looks like we're going to have to
amputate.

There you go, Danny.

I was going to bring you safety goggles,
but I didn't want to assault you. Yeah.

Nurse!

Oh, doctor, I can't tell you how
impressed I am with the delicate work

about to do with those big, meaty hands.

Yes, my dear, they were developed after
years of twisting off, non -twist -off

caps.

Hey, nice tree.

When do we have to send it back to
Rockefeller Center?

Come on, David, let's go to the toy
store so we can get there before the

bellowing parents and screaming
children.

Hey, you don't want to miss that. That's
the best part, where the kid's on

leashes and stuff.

Hey, Dad, I'm glad you're home. I want
you to know that.

Thanks, honey, that's really sweet of
you.

I need your coat.

Uh, mine doesn't fit, and believe it or
not, I've outgrown Mom's. Scary.

All right, come on, David.

Timber!

Hey, I'm glad I got all this new
furniture just in time to have you cut

tree in the living room.

What do you think, Darlene? Should we
start here or here?

Hmm.

That is a tough one.

Darlene, it's the first time ever we
have a beautiful tree with all its

Now, do you have to make it look like a
tacky Vegas showgirl?

You wish, Mother.

go chew some cookies for Santa.

Make sure you put a couple of peanut
butter ones on there. I know she likes

those.

Who's Dan?

Oh, I think he's upstairs using the
phone.

He's probably talking to his mom.

Again? He's like so totally obsessed
with her. I thought you said she was all

right. She is. And don't start
criticizing him just because we aren't

enough to have our mother in a home.

All right. All we have to do now is fire
him up.

Oh, we got a bad plug. There's no prongs
in this.

It's a female end, you idiot.

Geez, you must have buried the plug in
the middle of the tree.

We're missing a wise man again.

No, we're not.

You know what they say? They say the
yellow Power Ranger is the wisest in all

the land.

You are not going to believe what I got
Dan for Christmas. It's the most amazing

present ever.

All right, but you're not going to
believe it has to be better than what

got me.

Bubble bath.

You already opened it?

It wasn't even wrapped.

Dan, you know, ever since he moved in
with that D .A. chick with them two

we never even see him anymore.

All right, so what did you get Dan? Tell
me, come on.

No, forget about it. You haven't been
able to keep a secret since sixth grade.

Well, why do you bring it up then?

I got a big mouth, too.

Oh, this new angel's beautiful.

Yeah, she ain't gonna look that hot with
the tree shoved up her butt.

Here, sweetie.

Allow me.

All right, everybody, gather round.

Time for the traditional hoisting of the
angel.

Dog! Dog!

Now, we are going to put those cookies,
darling, right over here on the mantel

where Santa... Oh, that's right. My
daughter got rid of the fireplace.

I guess Santa will have to come crawling
out of the cabinets.

No, that's right. We're just going to
leave these cookies right here where old

Saint Nick can't miss them.

So where's that note for Santa? Oh, I
got it right here, honey.

And I wrote it down exactly like the
kids told me.

Oh, yeah, good.

Dear Santa, are any of your reindeer
gay? Our grandma is. Love, Andy and

You know, kids say the darndest things.

It's time for bedtime, boys.

Bedtime. That's right. You guys got a
busy day tomorrow of ignoring all your

toys and playing with the boxes they
came in.

Here, I'll take you upstairs.

Oh, my. We'd better hurry.

I hear reindeer hooves.

Wow, she has got great hearing.

Lucky, lucky, lucky what I found out in
the garage. All of our old Christmas

decks.

You know, nothing says Christmas like a
string of Schlitz bottle caps.

All right, elves, come on. It's time to
finish the Christmas assembly.

Come on.

Don't remember pepperoni. Let's go. All
right, Mark, go out to the garage. Give

me a screwdriver and a wrench. David, go
with Mark. Find out what those things

are.

Who wants a top?

What the hell is that?

I think

we should get out there before she sucks
all

the nitrous oxide out of the whipping
cream can.

Here, do something with that, will you?

Okay,

she's gone. Dig in.

But chew softly.

You know, I think we should leave a
cookie with a big bite taken out of it.

How come?

It's more like Santa was really here.

He's eating his cookie.

And all of a sudden he realizes, uh -oh,
I've got to get back to my sleigh.

And he doesn't have time to finish the
last one.

That's realer.

Ah, bite me and I'm meeting them all.

Yeah, you better get yours quick.
They're going fast.

Yeah, it really is great seeing you guys
again.

I'm really glad you're back, Dad.

Mm -hmm.

Can I, um, you know... Oh, yeah, sure,
go ahead.

Wow.

There, you should feel it from where I
am.

Nobody touches that one!

Oh, David?

Did you start putting the tricycle
together?

Yep. Just, uh, let me find the
instructions.

David, Mendel read instructions.

We eyeball it.

think logically, and then wing it.

Yeah, well, you're a professional
mechanic, Mr. Conner. How would you put

wheels on?

Well, from my last 30 years of
experience as a professional mechanic,

glue them on.

that is consistent with the fine Connor
tradition of Christmas etiquette.

Seriously, rattle!

watching tv or whatnot thank you yeah
yeah yeah beautiful all

right everybody stop what you're doing
because it's going to take hours to open

all our presents and i have something
very important right now in fact i have

what i believe is called the gift day
resistance

And a Zippo.

I was going to buy you a Rolex watch,
but this here was cheaper.

I mean, I don't know what to say. I
mean, you know, we bought the house

together.

Merry Christmas.

No, that's okay. I'm all alone. They're
all at the mall exchanging everything.

Well, yeah, I miss you, too.

It's really hard spending Christmas
without you.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Well, I don't know when I'm going to get
back. I'm kind of stuck here for a

while.

Any messages, Mommy?

Um, listen, I just wanted to thank you
for, you know, being so great with my

mom.

Yeah, well, um... I gotta go.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, bye.

That's great.

Hello. You've reached the Connor
residence.

And, uh... Yeah, yeah. Connors? Hello.

This is Santa Claus.

I've got a scheduled delivery here, and,
uh, you blocked off the fireplace.

Don't you know you're supposed to fill
out a form when you block the chimney?

Of course you've changed that too.