All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e35 The Bilko Boycott

What? What's holding that platoon up?

Rocco, you sure there's no back way out
of here? No, that's the only exit side.

I don't mind telling you. I resent their
stalling this way.

Give them a chance, Ernie. They're
probably counting their money for the

and last time.

Here they come.

What? Look, why waste time with rackets?
Why don't you just mug them when they

come out?

Why don't you lay off, Hencho? The world
isn't big enough for both you and Dr.

Schweitzer. Stand by.

I'll run over to the rec hall and get
things ready.

Well, Operation Greed is underway again.

No kidding.

Wow.

Lucy Lamont, is she here?

No,

I'm in.

Gentlemen, please, as your president of
the camera club, may I welcome all you

camp Fremont shutterbugs. Come on,
Bilko, where's the day?

Please, a bit of decorum, please.

Must I remind you that Miss Lamont
cancelled out of the lingerie show to

here and pose for us today?

And I assure you she's getting ready
right now. But first I must ask Corporal

Henshaw, Corporal Marbella to pass among
you with the cameras. You will please

have your two dollar rental fee ready.

Wait a minute. We pay two dollars at the
door. What do you want?

I know you did. That was for your first
year club dues.

Miss Lamont catches a death of cold.

I'll take one.

All right, gentlemen. Let me remind you.
The first subject will be calendar art.

And I can only hope that one of you
artists will do for Miss Lamont what

unknown photographer did for Marilyn
Monroe.

Hey, gentlemen, take my camera from me.
My hands are shaking too much. All

right, gentlemen, here we go. Presenting
America's favorite calendar model, Miss

Lucy Lamont.

All right, gentlemen, make sure you're
focusing properly. Hold your cameras

steady, and here we go. One, two, three.

And now.

Let's get set for shot number two. Hold
it, Philco. We'll talk about shot number

one. I've seen sexier looking polar
bears.

May I remind you that the months of
January and February are winter sport

months. But as the saying goes, when
winter comes, can spring be far behind?

Or if you'll just exchange it now, get
their other dollar bills for the next

shot.

It's another racket.

Before you judge too harshly.

Must I remind you that Miss Lamont comes
to us at a great deal of expense

because of her excellent reputation and
magnificent physique?

It's a jet. I'm getting out of here. Go.
I wish you would. Go, Corporal Fender.

I believe this next pose would be too
dangerous for a man of your age. Yeah,

what does that mean? Simply this. The
last time I saw Miss Lamont in the

following pose, I had palpitations for
hours.

It's my fault. All right,

talk me in, but this better be good.

All right, gentlemen, are we all ready?

Here we have it, with a great deal of
pride.

Miss Lucy Lamont, in the provocative
pose of springtime.

No closets. Click, click, click. One,
two, three, and there we go. Watch it.

Hurry with it. Hurry up.

I remind you, we have a busy schedule to
maintain.

Can't we take one more picture of her in
that sweater?

Very well if you insist, but right here
is where Miss Lamont was supposed to

change into a bikini.

Shut up, Zimmerman.

Thank you, Private Mullen, for that vote
of confidence. Now, if you'll collect

the additional dollars, we'll continue
with our photographic study.

I got the money, sir. Thank you. All
right, gentlemen.

And now, honoring the months of June and
July, here's our own Miss Lucy Lamont

as the spirit of the French Riviera at
all.

And there it is.

Now, I don't know what you fellows know
about the French Riviera.

The month of July is too hot for even
the skimpiest of bathing suits.

What's going on in here, Bilko?

Sir, it's just the weekly meeting of the
Camp Fremont Camera Club, sir.

From our side, it sounded more like a
werewolf convention.

I'm so excited. You see, we just voted
to discard our brownies and go on to

cameras, sir.

Oh, very well, Bilko. I hope I'm not
disturbing the meeting.

Oh, not at all, sir. I'm glad to see you
guiding the men along more educational

lines. Thank you very much, sir. All
right, gentlemen, we'll get ready for

next and last pose.

Please adjust your camera to 4 .5 and a
15th of a second. And here we have our

last study.

All right, gentlemen. Remember all you
learned about lighting and shadow

blending? Are there any questions?

Oh, they're so eager for knowledge, sir.
Yes, Corporal Fender? Sergeant, at the

next session, can we shoot you?

That's very interesting.

Live models. Sir, do you think
perhaps... Hold it, Bilko. I know what

thinking. The answer is no.

You can photograph all the fruit and
flowers you like, but absolutely no

models. Oh, I should have known that the
Colonel would be one step ahead of me.

Carry on.

Thank you, sir.

The Colonel thought perhaps you were
interested in female subjects, when in

lens life, we know that... Get this
thing out of here, will you?

Is it pretty good? We took in $60.

That's a lot of money.

It's not all profit.

Why, there was no film in the camera.
Give me the camera.

Must I remind you, Miss Lamont is a very
expensive model. I had to pay her four

bucks.

They can't afford it. I can't figure him
out, Rocco. He's been with me eight

years. He's still got scruples.

As a matter of fact, I do.

Look, Hench, if Commodore Vanderbilt had
had your attitude, he'd still be

renting rowboats in Central Park.

Yeah, but that's not until after dinner.
That's where you're wrong. Tonight we

have a twilight doubleheader.

Open the door. There's some chairs
around here.

They're not moving. Not loud enough.
Right. Give me a new deck, quick.

Let's see if they're moving or not.

What's up, Sarge? You down, Dino?

Sarge?

Bilko, I just came here to tell you that
I'm wise to you.

You think that you got us trained so
that all you have to do is shuffle a

of cards and we march in like a bunch of
zombies?

Well, you're not getting away with it.

You haven't got me under your spell.

Jack's a better robber. Heal me in.

You're a poker addict. I'm actually
doing him a favor. I get it, Ernie.

Actually, you're a humanitarian.

Hey, wait for me. All right, Grover, too
late. We're all filled up. You've got

to make room for me. You know I'm a
bigger loser than anybody here.

You can get in as soon as somebody goes
broke. It'll only take a few minutes.

I've got no time. I get nervous when I
don't play. All right, make room for

Move over. Give him a chair. All right,
Grover.

You're a deal.

I feel better already.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the post theater. I can't
think any more of this.

What's planned?

This kind of picture. The Al Capone
story.

All right.

Got everything you need? I think so,
Ernie. But don't you think it's getting

kind of late? We've got to do it
tonight. I don't get up until noon. By

time, they've spent everything they've
got left.

Hi. Hi, Hedge.

Is this slaughter over for the evening?
Not quite, pal.

But it will be very soon. As soon as I
get this little gimmick working.

What is it?

Something your ingenious sergeant
invented.

Bilko's Mobile Casino. I don't get it.

Very simple.

Suckers come to us. We don't wait for
that. We bring the action to them.

Hence, this will do for gambling what
the good human truck has done for ice

cream.

You get worse every week. And right now
I got you figured about two years ahead

of schedule.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means I can't stand your racketeering
anymore. I can't stand the way you take

advantage of those poor guys every
single payday. I can't stand myself

And what's more, I've put up with you
and your swindlers. Keep it down, or

you'll scare off my pigeons. Good, it's
time they woke up. They've been suckers

long enough. All right, get out of here.
Who needs your rocker when I'll handle

it? Go on, get out of here, Mr. Nice
Guy. What are you going to do?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
Something I wanted to do for the last

years. Join the army.

week, and that one guy showed up for a
poker game. I know. It's been rough.

Rough. It's humiliating. I've got to go
out like a traveling salesman to make a

living. Listen, Ernie, I found out what
Henshaw did. Look, Rockwell, I told you

distinctly. There are two names never to
be mentioned in my presence.

Benedict Arnold and Steve Henshaw. But
Henshaw is the reason the men aren't

gambling. Impossible.

I've trained these guys for 15 years.
You don't break these habits overnight,

pal. Henshaw formed an organization.

What organization?

Gamblers Anonymous.

You see, everybody swore off gambling.
And then any time anybody feels the urge

to gamble again, they call up Henshaw,
and Henshaw sends up a member to stay

with them. Yeah, you just stick around.
Watch Ritzig fall off the wagon.

What are you doing here?

How's my old pal? How you feeling?

Lonely, but rich.

How about a little game of cards for old
time's sake? No, no, I made a solemn

promise to the organization.

No more gambling.

Who's going to know? I won't say
anything. Will you say anything, Rocco?

Come on, a little five and ten for all
time's sake. I promise no more cards,

I won't break my word.

Look,

it's changing, pal.

No, I'd better call Hedgehog.

Look, I've got an idea.

Let's play eight to five poker. That
means you'll get eight cards to my five.

Hedgehog, you'd better send over a man
quick. I'm weakening fast.

Here's what we're going to play.

I'm going to play you draw poker.

You get your five cards down, my five
cards will be face up.

Well, that way, I'll see everything that
you got. I can't lose.

I'm in a generous mood. What do you say?

No, no.

I'm out of balls.

Look, I'll do better than that.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Any
pair you got beats my three of a kind.

Where's that man that Hedgehog was
supposed to send out? Look, look, look.

Here's what I'll do. Deuce is wild. That
means deuce is wild for you, but for

me, the deuce is just another card.

Oh, oh. My resistance is happy.

You get paid double, okay?

I don't know what... Come on, sit down.
You only live once. Come on. All right,

feel it. Feel it. Hello, boy. Brother
Rupert, put down those cards.

I was a sure corner. Hello, Dino. Sorry,
Sergeant, but the rules of the

organization forbid me to talk to you
while I'm on duty. How long are you on

duty? 24 hours a day. Brother Rupert,
were you gambling with this man?

No, even though he offered me eight
cards to his five. Brother Rupert, you

resist temptation at all times.
Remember, Rupert, five cards face down,

cards face up.

I can't lose that way. Please, let me
play with him for five minutes. I'll

of taper off. Brother Rupert! Don't you
know that a man stepping off a cliff

cannot turn around after a few feet?

But I can beat him. I can beat him.
Brother Rupert, you have the gambling

Come, walk with me while you do it.

Think of it, Brother Rupert, a paycheck
to yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

Think of money in the bank, Rupert.
Yeah, yeah.

Think of your poor dear wife.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait just a minute. If I think of my
wife, I'll start gambling and drinking

Brother Rupert, go to the game room. A
meeting is now in progress.

Hallelujah!

Go on, Brother Dino.

Mr. Donovan, I want to talk to you. Make
it brief, Sarge. You know the rules of

the organization do not permit me to
talk to you. I can understand that.

Look, how long have you been a PFC,
Dino?

Six years, Sarge.

I've got to talk to the colonel about
making you a corporal.

Oh, thanks, Sarge.

I can't open. Can you?

Henshaw mayday!

What do you mean I'm broke?

We spent two weekends in San Francisco,
right? Everything was going out. Nothing

was coming in. No poker, no roulette.

I hate to admit this, but that Henshaw's
got me boxed in pretty good.

Why don't you make a deal with him?

Deal with him? Never. I may have nothing
else, but I still got my principles.

Principles? Yeah.

They may be rotten, but they're all
mine.

Take this boycott.

10 ,000 men on the post. No, there's
only 8 ,000 men on the post. There's 2

wax. Look, don't bother me.

2 ,000 wax? What?

Why didn't I think of this before? Tell
me, tell me. 2 ,000 wax. Who get paid

twice monthly?

Oh, no source of revenue.

Oh, sorry.

Look, don't panic. I just answered this
little question.

Do you believe in the equality of the
sexes? Yeah. Do you believe in a

democratic army?

Yes, so?

So. The wax have as much right to lose
their money to me as the men do.

Major Allenby watches over them like a
mother hen. Look, I'm not going to hurt

her little chickens.

I'm just going to pluck them a little.

Excuse me. I was looking for Major
Allenby.

I'm Major Allenby. Oh, come now, young
lady. You're much too young to be a

if this is your idea of a joke. I'm sure
that Major Allenby won't treat it

lightly. Sergeant, I'm Major Allenby.
I'm 46 years old, and most of my best

friends tell me I look 56.

Now what do you want?

Just this, Major. Oh, may I? Thank you.

Major, I think you'll have to agree that
this is the jet age in America, and our

country should mobilize all the
scientific brainpower that it can.

Major, it is my theory that our wax
represent an untapped reservoir of

and scientific skill. Well, I agree with
you, but I don't know what... Major, a

sergeant in charge of the campaign at
Motorpool...

I've devised a series of lectures which
would familiarize our wax to the

mechanical equipment so vital to our
nation's defense.

Well, I don't know, Sergeant. Our girls
are already on a very tight schedule.

Oh, Major, you must make room for these
lectures, and I'm sure you would if you

could have heard Colonel Hall and his
entire staff laughing at the thought

our wax could match male efficiency.

Women do men's work. Oh, that's funny.

Oh, yes, they did. They don't know.

Since the 20th century, America and
women are no longer second -class

Sergeant Bilko, you have my permission
to proceed with your lecture. I have a

feeling this will be a very rewarding
experiment.

No worry, ma 'am. I'll teach you that.

Well, now I have a staff meeting.

Private Luton will handle the details
for you. Thank you so very much, Major.

Good job.

Well, no good time.

Bilko, who needed you with your crackpot
lectures?

Haven't we got enough to do around here?

You don't understand, Millie.

These lectures are going to be fun, fun,
fun, fun.

Some fun.

I just can't wait to see what the inside
of a grease pit looks like. Look, I

want you to pass this on to the girls.

Here's what we're going to do.

Students, your attention, please. Here
we have a schematic diagram of the

standard army jeep.

Notebooks out, please.

Please observe.

The army jeep has...

Four cylinders. That is, four cylinders.

Which generates up to 75 horsepower.

Seventy -five.

This will accommodate approximate speeds
of 52 miles an hour. That is, 52.

Did you say 52?

Yes, my dear. 52. Oh, they're so anxious
to learn.

So I see, Sergeant.

Carry on. Thank you. And so to continue.

The average jeep fuel tank contains 12
gallons of gas.

That is, 12 gallons.

will bring you up to 21 miles per
gallon.

Twenty -one.

Bingo!

Oh, good morning, Major Allenby. Good
morning, Sergeant. I prepared a further

series of lectures. I would appreciate
your perusal.

Very well, Sergeant. Thank you so very
much.

Oh, good morning, Mildred, and how are
you?

Oh, Sergeant, I had a deuce of a time at
the beach yesterday.

The sun was so bright, it was almost
tropical.

Well, one can't be too careful, can one?

What was that all about? Simple. She had
a deuce of a time at the beach. The sun

was so bright it was almost tropical.

So? So.

Simple. She wants a better deuce on
bright sun in the port race at Tropical

Park.

We come to the site identification test
of the component parts of the truck

engine of which these are photographs.
You will please study them carefully.

Good afternoon, class.

Good afternoon, Major Allenby.

Major, we're conducting a test here. Oh,
sorry, Sergeant. Carry on.

All righty. All right, students.

Have you any questions?

Marion? I've got two pairs.

Cylinders and spark plugs. Sorry, my
dear. I have here three carburetors.

If this keeps up, I'll be broke.

She missed the question, and she's all
broken up about it, ma 'am. Well, we

mustn't get discouraged.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try
again.

Marion owes $17, and Arlene owes $12,
and Mildred owes $4.

Hold it. Why only $4 for Mildred? Oh,
she caught the Daily Double Tuesday.

Ah, I forgot. All right, go on. And Edna
owes $13. That means the girls owe you

a total of $96.

Splendid. Now, when do they get paid?
Tonight.

We'll collect first thing in the
morning.

Tomorrow's Saturday. They usually go
away for the weekend. Oh, yeah, and I'm

going to San Francisco for the weekend.

That's all there is to it. I'll have to
collect tonight.

I need... You can't go into the whack
barracks. I can't go to San Francisco

this short bankroll either. I've got to
take a chance.

Well, you know what happens if you get
caught? It'll be a court loss. Don't

worry. They won't catch us.

What?

Look, I'll do anything you want. I'll
steal a jeep. I'll hit an officer.

Relax, relax.

I'm not asking you to do anything
terrible. All I want you to do is get me

ladder so I can get to the second floor
of the wax barracks. In 20 minutes, you

bring the ladder back and I get out of
there. Sarge, I don't like this.

Do you think I like it? Don't you think
I'd rather be born rich?

Come on, take it as you like.

8 .45.

Meet me with a ladder in 15 minutes
behind the wax barracks.

9 o 'clock, I go over the top into no
man's land.

Tracy's coming down with a cold, so she
went over to the dispensary. Oh.

I got news for you. I'm going on an
emergency furlough. I'm afraid I'm going

have to have the money you kids owe me.
Oh, just our luck, girls. The guy

finally climbs in here and all he wants
is our loot.

Edna, my love, I believe you owe me $13.

I thought it was only $11.

You're forgetting, my dear. You were shy
$2 in the last test.

There's a dear girl.

You, my sweet, owe me $17. You're lucky,
Mildred. You're only owing me $4.

At ease, girls.

I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

Our weekend passes have been canceled.

Arlene Williams has come down with
measles. This entire barracks has been

under quarantine.

No one will be allowed to enter or leave
this barracks for at least one week.

Sorry, girls.

Now, which one is Private Williams'
bunk?

Oh, this is it.

Okay, now stand back while I spray this
thermos on you.

It's not going to bother you, girls.
It's just a little antiseptic. After

the Army believes in taking
everything...

In case you're getting any ideas, Major
Allenby has MPs posted around the entire

barracks. Oh, boy.

That's a fine... How do you do? Yeah,
cooped up in the barracks for a week.

what's worse, we'll probably all wind up
with a measle.

What was that thing used? A
flamethrower?

You've got to get out of here. No, I'm
not.

Edna, look out there and see if there's
a guy there with a ladder.

He's out there all right. Good.

No, he isn't. Two MPs just grabbed him.

It's 20 years. Oh, you don't know Major
Allenby. What do you mean? Well, she'd

say to her that you got at least 50
years. Oh, no, I gotta go. Look, kid, in

case she comes back, I'll hide you. Kids
will have to cover for me. Why, Belko?

What do you mean, why?

What did you ever do for us besides clip
us of about a hundred bucks of our hard

-earned money?

Why bring that up now?

Because, Bilko, if you want us to hide
you, it'll cost you, say, $25.

Oh, come on, knock it off. That's
blackmail. I won't hold still for that.

Oh, yes, you will, because if you don't,
I'll scream. You wouldn't, Dad. Oh,

yes, I would.

Where am I going?

Hold it, Bilko. Where's my $25? What are
you talking about? Yeah, I can scream,

too. You want to hear me? No, no, no.

Come on.

Hands up.

All right, now, girls, listen to me.

There's a strong possibility that some
of you are going to come down with

measles. Now...

There's not much that you can do about
it except get plenty of rest and fresh

air. Yes, Lieutenant.

Now, I want you all in bed within ten
minutes. Yes, Lieutenant.

Oh, and let's get some air in here. Do
we have to, Lieutenant? There's an awful

draft. Well, nonsense.

My goodness, girls, it's over 80 degrees
in here.

Is that better?

are six inches longer.

There's no way out there. I'll go out
the front door. Who's on duty? Forget

Bilko. They locked it. They locked it?
This is fine. MPs all over the place.

I got staring me in the face is a court
-martial. Any suggestions, girl?

Yeah, call your lawyer.

Very funny. I'm stuck here.

You mean there's a phone here? Oh, yeah,
right over there. Why didn't you say

so? Oh, dime, dime.

I need a dime. You got a dime? Let me
have a dime. Oh, sure, I've got a dime.

Come on, good. And not so fast, Wilco.

All right, how much?

Same as the others, $25.

$25 for a dime? Are you nuts? Hold it.
Hold it.

Okay,

Wilco, I'll help you. But you've got to
agree to my terms. What happened, Hedge?

Wilco's up in the whack barracks. Boy, I
wish I had his knife.

No more gambling with the platoon
whatsoever.

No more schemes. No more promotions.

From now on, you play it straight.

There ain't any such language in front
of the girls.

Is it a deal?

Okay, we'll be by in a half an hour.
What's happening? I'll tell you. Come

You all right, Milko?

I'm fine. It's your rescue party. You'll
be here soon.

Can I take this thing off?

I guess so.

Here they come.

Right this way, Doctor.

You took your jolly time getting here,
didn't you?

All right, come on, move it, Dino.

All right.

How do I look?

Real cute, sweetie, but you need a
shave.

You must tell me where you bought it.

Remember now, you've got 101 feet, but
let me hear it.

Make it higher.

Why, this is disgraceful. This young
lady's running a high temperature. Why

wasn't I called sooner? Well, who are
you, may I ask? I'm Dr. Reed. You must

new around here, nurse. I've been here
two years.

Well, that explains everything. Orderly,
get this young lady out of here. Well,

where are you taking her?

To the men's barracks. Now, where do you
think we're taking her?

We'll have you in the hospital in no
time.

Doctor, this is highly irregular.

Would you mind waiting, please, while I
call Major Allenby? Please, don't bother

me with regulations. This is a young
lady in obvious pain. Are you bothering

Get her out of here.

There, there, young lady.

You must have been a nurse at Alcatraz.
Yeah.

Okay, Ernie, time to get up. Yeah, let's
get up, Sarge, or you'll miss lunch.

Come on. All the boys were talking about
your escape last night. That was really

something, Sarge, and you got away scot
-free, huh?

Did you see Barbarelli with the wolf?

Sarge, your face.

Look.

He's talking about my face.

I didn't...

in quarantine.

That's better than 20 years in San
Quentin.

Here's what I want you to know.

Yep.

Also seen on tonight's cast were Joey
Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, Nancy Guile as the
nurse, Jane Keene as Marion,