Original subtitles

There it is, $300.

Okay, okay.

Go ahead and shoot. Wait a minute. Mickey, that, potty, whack.

Hope I get double my money back.

Come on.

Give it. We did it. We did it. We won.

Oh, Rupert, you did it.

$600. $600.

Let's celebrate.

Wait a minute. Did you forget what we planned? If we won, we'd save every

for our furlough. That's right. And in seven days, we're going to be in Hawaii.

Just the three of us. You mean you, me, and Emma? No, I mean you, me, and the

money. Emma's got to visit her mother in Detroit.

Oh, Hawaii.

We'll soon be in our 50th state.

Hey, can't we go somewhere that's out of the country?

We've still got seven days to go and $600 in our pocket. So? So?

So, Philco, if he finds out we've got $600, we can say hello to Hawaii and our

money. No, we won't. We just won't play cards with him, that's all. Oh, let's

face it, Rupert, we're not that smart. He's got us trained like dogs. All he

does is let us smell the cards and we roll over. You're right. He makes us sit

up and beg him to take our money. And when it's over, he pats us on our heads.

Rupert, we've got to make a pact.

We've got a promise that neither one will be alone with Bilko for a minute.

Right. And for the next seven days, I won't even let Bilko near me. Me too.

Let's shake on it. Shake.

Here. You take half the money and I'll take half. Let's get out of here. Let's

sneak out the back way. What's the matter with you? Bilko always sneaks in

back way. Let's sneak out the front way. Okay, Francis. But hurry. I'm scared.

All right.

We're out of here.

Here we are.

Maybe they're hiding. Come on, Rupert. Yes, Robert, this is your friend Ernie.

won't hurt you. They're gone, Ernie.

You know what they want?

$600. I could just get them alone for a minute.

Oh, it's getting late. No sense looking from tonight's eyes. What do you mean?

No sense.

When there's a fire, the firemen don't come the next morning, do they? Right

there's a 600 alarm blaze going on out there.

Boys. Yeah, Rupert.

Grover's in this room? We searched every place else. Where else can he be? Maybe

he's sleeping in a bank.

Listen, Sarge, it's three o 'clock in the morning. You think he's going to

to play cards at this? Look, we've got no choice. We'll start the game while

he's still asleep. He'll never know I'll hit him.

All right, wake up, Grover. It's time for the game.

Death to the world.

I'll deal with him anyway.

When he gets five cards, I'll wake him up.

Okay, Grover, this is it.

Jack's the better open. Come on. Come on, baby boy. Here we go. Up, up, up.

Joe is gone. Here we go.

You'll never get me, Bilko.

Signed, Grover.

Okay, if that's the way you want it, I'm declaring open water.

And there will be no peace until that entire $600 is unconditionally

surrendered. Come on.

Whit Grover, calling Green Ritzing.

That's you, Rupert.

We were right. Bilko just left my room.

But me and my money are safe for the night.

I'm sleeping in the woods.

Where are you?

I'm in a drive -in theater, and a picture was over four hours ago.

I've got to find another place to hide.

I've seen this picture five times already.

Oh.

Rupert, you look awful.

I didn't sleep a week or last night in that car. Every time I dozed off, I fell

on a horn.

I know.

I'm going to keep this up for another six days. Well, I've got to get back to

radio shack.

Bilko! Is he up for breakfast? Yeah, he's probably about to eat our $600.

We've got to hide. Wait, in the freezer.

Rupert. Rupert. Cock -a -doodle -doo. Come, Rupert.

See how the bird catches the good hand.

He ain't here, is he? He's got to be here. He's got to cook breakfast.

1 ,400 guys can't eat out. Oh, come on. We'll come back.

We'll wait right here.

Sarge, it's 12 o 'clock.

Yeah, where do you suppose Ritzik is?

Maybe he knows I'm here waiting for him. He's probably got cold feet.

Why don't we try to daze him?

Right.

He knows we're closing in on him. Let him sweat it out.

I don't know. I feel like a frozen TV dinner.

He's going to strike again. I can feel it. I wish he would. I can't stand this

war of nerves.

I'd rather play cards with him than get it over with.

Rupert, don't talk like that.

Who is it? Who is it? Mail called. Special delivery letters for Sergeant

and Grover. Slip them under the door.

Hey, what's it all about? What is this?

I don't know. Here's yours, Ripsick. Well, who's it from?

I don't know. There's no return address on the envelope.

Hey, look, it's a poker hand.

And I'm prepared.

I've got three queens.

Wait, wait, here's a note. It says if you want to bet this hand, call me at

post telephone, 3 -1 -4 -2 -1 -3 -8, sign Ernie Bilko. It's a trap.

But I've got better jacks. I can open. Where's the phone? Where's the phone?

I've already got your feet with three queens.

But if I draw another jack, I can get a full house. Where's that phone? Where's

the phone? Proof of control yourself, can't you see? This is just what Bilko

wants for a ten -cent phone call. It could cost us $600.

Now tear up the cards.

Okay, you tear up yours first.

Okay.

There. I tore up three queens.

Good. Now I got you beat. Now where's the phone? Where's the phone?

Look, look.

Here you go.

William.

Now we'll be sure to get to Hawaii.

All right. But I'm not going to talk to you on the whole trip.

I'm standing here with a royal flush.

Hey, sir.

Call my girl. Sorry, kid. You can't use this phone unless you got jacks or

better. But, sir.

Name that too.

Ain't that the kid that won $25 ,000?

Oh, I know. I checked into it. He's got it buried in a can in Georgia. Here.

They just slipped Grover's room and they're heading back to the kitchen.

Kitchen, sir. That's it. Okay.

Operation Cuba is now in effect. Here.

Anybody calls?

Raise them.

Any sign of Bilko?

No. Wait a minute. There's somebody coming.

It's Henshaw. Is he alone?

Yeah, but we've got to be careful. Yeah.

What do you want, Henshaw?

Official business, Ritzik. Is your kitchen clean? What do you care?

There's going to be an official inspection.

By who?

Captain Jose Garcia of the Cuban Army. Cuban Army?

He's one of Fidel Castro's top men. He's in the States studying American Army

methods.

Here it comes.

Captain Garcia,

this is the mess hall kitchen. These are Sergeant Ritzig and Brolin.

Lovely to meet you, Sergeant Grover, Sergeant Ritzig.

Excuse me, Captain. I'm Sergeant Ritzig. Oh, I'm very sorry. You see, to me,

without me, it's everybody who looks alike.

Hey, sit down.

Hey, hey, hey.

Say, did you know Fidel Castro personally?

Oh, him?

He? In the hills.

I slept in the same tree with him.

Say, it must have been tough up in those hills, huh?

Si, si. Well, we found ways to relax.

Every night, Fidel will come to my tent and say, Hey, come, Jose. We play a

game. Poco a porno.

Poco Puno, what's that?

Oh, very simple game. Here, here. Sit down, senor. I saw you.

You see,

Poco Puno is a very good game for rebels. I teach you. You see, he should

get five count.

But you must be careful, senor.

Don't let nobody see your cards.

That's no good. You know what I mean? That's no good, they see your card.

Everybody know what you got.

Now, in this game, senor, you gotta have jagueros or better to open.

Well, I pass.

I pass.

Oh, if he did well like this.

I can't open.

Never could I open before. Now I can open.

When I played with Fidel, we used to play for bananas.

Senor, you got bananas?

No. You got coconuts? No. What we play for?

Well, how about money?

That's a good idea. We play for money.

Go,

wisely. Ten dollars. Ten dollars. Okay. I'll open. Ten dollars.

Okay. I'm in.

Senor, I am cuanto vanto.

What's that?

In Spanish, that means I am packed.

You see, oh, senor, it's still $10. Okay, I hope it's $10.

All right, I'm out. I see you.

And I got four cases.

Oh, bueno, bueno.

Un momento, senor.

I got four cases.

Four cases?

There's only one guy who can quote four races?

Don't go!

That was too mean. I should have let him win a few hands.

Good thing you weren't really with Castro.

A few nights of poker opponent with you and he would have had a hitchhike do

about it.

Turn the whole thing out to the missile.

Sergeant Rissick!

Sergeant Rissick!

What's this?

Cards.

Playing cards in the kitchen again.

I'll put a stop to this.

That was a close one, but we're safe now.

Yeah, but Bilko's already seen the money. It's like showing Willie Sutton

unguarded bait.

You're right, Robert. We didn't get any chances.

Now that Bilko's gone up in disguises, we've got to suspect everyone.

Do you think it's Bilko? I don't know. Let's not answer the door.

Open this door!

Open this door, Colonel Hall!

Oh, it's all right. It's only the Colonel. Not so fast, or I'll be

his voice.

Open this door!

Hey, that record sounds pretty bad.

You better open it.

Why aren't you in your kitchen?

I'm sorry, sir. I came here to get a secret recipe from Sergeant Grover. You

report to your kitchen at once?

Yes, Colonel Hall. You've been neglecting your duties all day?

Yes, Colonel Hall. I've stood enough nonsense on this post?

Yes, Colonel Hall. But before you leave, I have the little matter of a game of

cards to take up with you. Oh, oh, it is a Colonel Hall. It's Bilko. He's

disguised as a colonel. That's a pillow you've got there, and you're wearing

putty on your nose. Run, Rupert, run!

I'm slipping.

Think, think.

I've held that $600 for 18 hours now. 18 hours. I should have it spent by now.

Relax, you'll have it by tonight.

Sure, that's what they told Tom Dewey in 1948.

You've got to get a concentrated plan.

If you could just think of... See what the trouble is?

I'm in a crisis. He's reading. Think, think.

I don't have to think. I've got it all figured out. The answer's right here in

Life Magazine.

See that record?

While you were sitting here wasting your time, Henshaw was thinking. He's got a

brilliant idea.

He's going to take an ad in Life magazine.

Come on, come on. It's fun, fun, fun. Free poker demonstration.

See your deal on any book.

That's a lousy idea. Certainly that's a lousy idea, but mine isn't. There's a

story in here about the Army training men for space flights.

Now, one of the tests is they put these men in a simulated rocket chamber all

alone for three days. These men are completely isolated from the outside

Three days alone in a rocket chamber. Just Grover, Ritzik, me.

And a deck of cards.

Put your hat off. There's a genius in this room.

Great idea.

And so your clucking days are over. You've finally laid the golden egg. Now

first thing we've got to do is get Ritchick and Grover to volunteer for the

space experiment.

I know, I know, I know.

He wants to know, how do we get Grover and Ritchick to volunteer?

Simple. It's the perfect hiding place from Bilko. But the beautiful part of it

is, is that Bilko will be in there with them for three beautiful days.

Your hat's on again.

How do we get Grover and Ritchie to volunteer?

Simple. You just get them alone and talk them into it.

If I could get them alone, I wouldn't need space experiments.

You can put your hat on again. I'll carry the ball.

You were just that close to it and then you goofed.

What is it, Sarge? We were just going to the movies. Never mind that. I want you

to do some dirty work for me. Oh, that's different. Why is it? First thing you

do, go to Richard's kitchen, volunteer for KP.

Is that the dirty work? No, that's the sloppy work. The dirty work comes later.

Oh,

boy, I only pre -bought these.

Are you finished yet, Francis?

Yeah. I got the entire outside of the building wired.

As soon as anyone comes near, the alarm goes off. An alarm. With a few extra

votes, we could have got rid of Bilko forever.

One clit is an alarm.

There's no place to hide. In the freezer.

I'd rather give them the money. Hey, where is

everybody? I don't know. Maybe the alarm was an air raid.

Oh, so do you guys. Coming off behind a lake of land, Francis.

Who is this? It's Pop Raleigh and Zimmerman.

That's what they say.

But we better make sure.

Hey, cut it out. Your hands are cold.

Sorry, fellas, but we cannot take any chances.

What do you want? The colonel put us on KP for company punishment.

Why? What'd you do?

They're not going to shoot me up into outer space.

They know they're not going to shoot you into outer space. It's only an

experiment. What kind of an experiment?

Oh, they're studying the endurance of man.

They put two men into an isolated chamber for three days to see if they

withstand the heat, the loneliness, and the gravitational pull.

Three days alone.

No contact with the outside world.

Excuse me.

Rupert, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm not even thinking what I'm thinking.

Three days before we start for Hawaii.

If we can get in that space chamber for three days, Bilko can't touch us.

That's right. For three days... Hey,

Zimmerman, how do you get in on this space deal?

Oh, all volunteers have to take a physical and the doctor's office at

Why midnight?

Well, the scientists found out it's always night when you go to the moon,

And they want to examine you under the same conditions.

That makes sense.

Rupert, keep your fingers crossed. They might pick us.

Suck,

suck, here he comes.

All right, guys, line up. Rudy, stop acting. We'll be in the next room.

All right, fellas, line it up, line it up.

Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, did they pick anybody yet? No, they washed off the

guy so far. He must be... Sorry, sir.

Wait, unacceptable, Max. Oh, oh, we still have a check.

How long have you had that cough?

Hey, coffin.

Oh, hard of hearing, too. Unacceptable, Max.

Hey, don't let the last one to fill up.

Yeah, but if they kick him, there won't be room for two guys.

What's wrong, Doc?

I can't find your heartbeat.

I keep scratching my stomach.

Unacceptable, Max.

I feel fine, Doc. The heart sounds good.

Lungs are fine.

Eyes are clear.

Now, I just want to test your reflexes. Can you bend over and touch your toes?

Well, I can't. Good. That's all solid muscle back there. Hey, I made it. Good

luck, Fred.

You're acceptable. Are you going to examine me? I don't have to. I'll just

examine the man in front of you.

Tomorrow morning at 8 o 'clock we'll be in orbit, flying around in my wallet.

The setup is perfect. Now, why are you so nervous about it? You sure this won't

take long, Bill? I've got to get back to Duxter Holden's in an hour, and I'm

going to be arrested in this uniform.

Relax. All I need with them is ten minutes.

Now, where are they? They should be here by now.

Zimmerman and Paparelli went to pick them up. Probably having a hard time

getting into them space uniforms. Okay, someone's coming. Quick, into the

bushes.

Space volunteers Ritzik and Groover reporting for Operation Isolation, sir.

Good. Well, good. How do you men feel?

Fine, Doc. Fine. Good.

Now, let me give you your instructions.

Once you enter the space chamber, it will be as if you've been blasted off

space and will not re -enter the Earth's atmosphere for three days.

Good. And as soon as we get out of here, we'll go right to the SS. Hallelujah.

I'll be in constant radio contact with you. Good luck.

Come on, Robert. We finally put one over on milk.

I

got

him at last.

Two rich little sardines packed tight in a can.

Gee, I never thought we'd be traveling through outer space sitting around a

bridge table. I wonder what the other chair is for. I don't know, but these

scientists, they have a reason for everything.

Here, Rudy, make your announcement. I'll get into the spacesuit.

Earth calling spacemen Ritzig and Grover.

Who? Who? They're calling us.

This is spaceman Grover. We can hear you, Earth.

In simulated flight, you are now 300 ,000 feet from the Earth.

We are now going to attempt a space transference.

A man in another rocket coming from the moon will fly alongside your side, and

at a given signal, you will open the hatch, and the spaceman will transfer

his ship to yours.

How do you like that? Another spaceman coming in here.

I just met what this other chair was for.

I told you those scientists know what they're doing.

How's everything?

They're right in your left hand pocket, Ernie. Good, good.

Go ahead, go ahead. You will open the hatch at zero.

Get ready for the countdown.

Ten, nine...

Eight. Seven.

Hold it. Someone's coming. Quick, into the bush. Wait, wait. It's only twice.

Hey, Sarge, the colonel wants to see you right away. Tell him I'll be right

there. We've got no time. He said immediately, right this minute. All

right. Okay, keep him in there at 300 ,000 feet, Rudy. I'll be back as soon as

can.

Come in.

Well, good morning, sir.

May I say we're up bright and early this morning, sir. Get the staff car, Bilko.

We're leaving in five minutes.

Leaving? Yes, for Fort Brody in Nevada.

A general staff meeting has suddenly been called.

We'll be back in three days. Three days? Well, sir, I have my duties at the

motor pool. The men need me, sir.

I need you, Bilko, to drive.

Now, come on. Let's go. Oh, but, sir, can I just have 15 minutes to say

to some friends, sir? They're going on a long plane trip. Send them a postcard.

Now, get the car, Bilko.

You'll be back in three days.

Two hours. I wonder where Ernie is. Hey, I can't wait anymore. I've got to get

back to the drugstore and start making my egg salad.

Yeah, but what about Ritchie and Grover?

Earth. The spacemen.

Because of unforeseen atmospheric disturbances, the transference is

postponed. You will proceed with normal operations.

You will find your food supply in a locker under the table.

I recommend the deviled ham.

Well,

there's nothing to do but relax.

Yes, what a setup.

Here, Francis, have a sip.

Mr. Hench, when you spoke to the sergeant, did he say when he'd be back?

he'd be here by 8 this morning at the latest. Well, he'd better hurry. In one

more hour, their three days are up, and they're going to want to get out of

there.

How about a game of actors and actresses? Oh, I'm sick of games.

We've been playing games for three days now. Oh, take it easy, Rupert. In

another hour, our three days will be up. We'll be on our way to Hawaii with

$600. Yeah.

Hey, Ernie, you made it. He's still got a few minutes. They're still in there.

Yeah, they sure are. But boy, it's cost us a fortune. We had to throw food in

that hatch every three hours. Don't worry about it. I'll get it all back.

Where's the doctor? Well, he delivered the sandwiches and went back to

drugstore. All right, go on. Make radio contact.

Earth to spaceman.

Atmospheric conditions are now favorable.

We are going to attempt a space transference.

Stand by to open the hatch at zero.

Six, five, four, three, two, one, zero.

Open hatch.

Open hatch.

Open hatch. Open hatch.

Have a sandwich. Too bad you didn't get here sooner. We're getting out of here

in an hour. All the time I'll need it.

Let us out. Please, please. Oh, let us out. Oh, please.

Oh, please.

Oh, let us out.

Listen to that.

Horrible. I wish he'd get it over with quick. I'm only human.

It's quiet in there now.

You know what that means? The game has started.

What do you hear?

Two modes. That means we'll go on another hand. And jump!

What's going on here? What is this?

Well, sir, it's a... I think I can explain, sir. It's a... Look at that

sir. U .S. Army Experimental Space Chamber.

Do you know anything about this, Barker? No, sir.

Who's in there?

In where, sir?

I know this is top secret, but you can tell your colonel. Who's in there? I'll

just go for a risk and go, sir.

Parker,

you are seeing history. This is the first outer space poker game.

A microphone.

Well, that's convenient.

Four fifty, five hundred, six hundred. You sure that's all there is? I mean,

got no change in your space pockets, huh?

Attention, space gamblers.

This is Earthman Colonel Hall.

I commend you for your courageous effort.

Now, come out here and get your decoration.

Well, gentlemen, I guess the flight experiment didn't work out. It's back to

drawing board.

Oh, Colonel Hall, thank heavens you're here, sir. I have wonderful news.

We found that the men at 400 ,000 feet are not bothered by any gravitational

pull. Will you shut up, Bilko? I want to know what this is all about, and I want

the entire truth.

I tricked them into the game.

What did this little trick cost them?

$600, sir.

Well... Seems the higher the altitude, the higher the larceny.

Give it back to them, Bilko. Oh, surely the colonel can't be in that province.

That's an order.

Take the money and go on your furlough and don't come back until you're broke.

We made it, Hawaii!

Hurrah for Colonel Hall!

Very decent of you, sir. That's not the only decent thing I'm going to do,

Bilko.

I'm going to let you, Rocco, and Henshaw continue your space experiments.

Really, sir? Yes.

We've got a little space over in the guardhouse.

We'll be outside here for ten days.

Well, spacemen, you heard the kennel. Shall we start the countdown?

Ten, nine, eight... Also seen on tonight's cast were Joey Ross as

Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover, Paul Lind as Rudy the

and Nick Saunders as Captain Barker.

Coming next, Don Rickles stars... Don Rickles stars... and

CPO Sharky, a Navy drill instructor who's a hell of a lot like Don Rickles.

Right here at Comedy Central, the only channel that's funny on purpose.