All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e33 The Colonels Second Honeymoon

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, man.

I hear it's over 100 today. This heat is
intolerable.

Let's just take a cold shower.

It's not that hot.

Come on. Give somebody else a break.
Come on.

In a minute. In a minute. Come on. Come
on. Take a little leave.

Keep it down, fellas.

Keep it down. You'll wake... Philco. He
can't hear us over the noise of his air

conditioner. I hope he gets frostbite.
Why don't we have Philco to let us in?

Because he won't do it. Maybe he'll open
the door just for a few minutes. You'll

get a call from a draft.

I should be so lucky.

Come on.

A little discomfort, you turn into an
unruly mob?

We can't stand it out here. Let us in,
Bill.

I told you over and over, there's one at
a time goes in there. There's too many

in there now.

A few more can't hurt. Look, it's an old
quarter -ton air conditioner. John,

it's last legs now. You put too much
burden on it, it'll go kaput. You always

got something to do with that.

Sarge, you're melting away.

Don't worry, Doberman. You've still got
200 pounds to go before you reach your

breaking point.

All right, gentlemen, let's go. Your
time is up.

Come on, Sergeant.

Let me stay another dollar's worth.

I am really ashamed of you. What?

Your buddies are out there sweltering.

How selfish can you be?

Okay. Who do you want me to send in?
Send in Fender. He's the oldest and he's

suffering the most. He has no money.

Well, you better send in Mullen. He's
the next oldest.

We're all hot. Come on, get out of here
and shut that door quickly. There'll be

no free samples.

Hey, where you going?

I'm going out to let Fender take my
place, if it's all right with you. Look,

spare me your sarcasm, will you please,
Rocco? Can you turn it up a notch? I

think so, Sarge. I let them in one at a
time, but they can't stay here too long.

No charge or any?

Look, don't start pushing me, huh?

If I listen to him, I'll be the nicest
guy in the pool house.

Stand back, Sarge. Here they come.

All right.

You had your little joke. Now listen to
me good. You can stay in here, but

quietly. No moving around, no deep
breathing, no gulping. How did you ask

use just one lung at a time?

I'll turn it up for you.

Gently, gently.

Now, don't move around. Just relax.

That feels great.

It sure is refreshing.

Look out!

It broke down completely.

You happy now, Mr. Henshaw?

Maybe you'd like to write four of your
friends in. We can all suffocate

together. Ernie, it's not their fault.
It's an old machine.

Come on, out, out, out.

Well, Goldman, I hope you're satisfied.

What did I do?

What did you do? Figure it out for
yourself.

You try to cool off a half -ton soldier
with a quarter -ton machine?

I can't stand another night.

I'll be right, but what kind of soldier
am I? The temperature goes up a little,

you all get desperate.

May I remind you all, this is a
soldier's camp, not a boy's camp. You've

relax and cool off.

You fix the rock?

I don't think so, Sarge. We need all new
parts.

Boy, is it getting hot in here.

Wow.

It's no use.

I've got to get out of here.

But every place in camp is just as hot.

That's it. I'll get out of camp.

Well, where would you go?

I don't know. Any place where it's
drafty. The North Pole, Alaska.

I'll find a 15 -foot snowdrift and I'll
go skin diving.

Sarge, the colonel isn't going to give
you another leave. He'll have to. This

an emergency furlough. Somebody I love
very dearly is dying.

Me?

No, no, no, Bilko. I'm not giving you
another furlough. But, sir... Bilko,

give you your next two -week furlough
when you're legally entitled to it.

In 1973.

But, sir, I've already wired the family
to tell them I'm coming home for the

reading of the will.

Poor Uncle Henry. He looked like me. I
was so fond of him.

Bilko, your Uncle Henry died five years
ago.

Well, thank you for remembering, sir.
You see, they've only just now found the

will of Uncle Henry was cracked.

Save your breath, Bilko. I've been
figuring how many days you've spent in

during the last year. And it may
interest you to know that on an hourly

you made more than a chief of staff.

It's outrageous.

Outrageous, sir? Yes, Bilko.

Speaking as your colonel and a taxpayer.

Now get out of this office.

Sir, if you'll just give me a moment,
sir.

Bill Cole, please don't get me upset.

It's too hot.

It's funny you should say that, sir.
Only yesterday, Dr. Norton was telling

that this weather is dangerous for a man
with my basal metabolism, sir. Bill

Cole. You see, I have difficulty in
perspiring, sir. These small pores of

sir. Bill Cole. I don't want to be an
alarmist, sir, but in heat like this...

I can go like that, sir.

Wonderful, Bilko. Then you won't have to
go to the reading in the will.

You can hear the news directly from your
Uncle Henry.

I'm glad to see that the seat hasn't
affected my Colonel's sparkling wit,

Bilko, out, out!

Hello, Bilko.

Would you mind not standing in front of
the window? Whatever breeze there is, I

want to get. I'm sorry, Sarge.

Ernie! Hey, listen to this weather
report. Wait a minute. I'll turn it up.

There's a cold air mass moving south
from the Arctic Circle. Oh, good. Good.

Which should meet with a cold front
moving east over the Pacific.

Keep talking, boy. Keep talking.

The weather forecast for tonight, mostly
cool with a chance of rain.

Boy, what a break.

Temperature in the low 30s along the
coast, 35 to 40 degrees inland.

Maybe tonight we'll get some sleep.

This is station KLAT.

Nome, Alaska.

Alaska?

Shortwave. Hensher, you're a friend of
Rocco's. Hold my hand. I'm sorry, Sarge.

I'm not blaming you. It's the Colonel's
fault. Count on him. I've got to stay

here for two weeks with an idiot like
you.

Shortwave. As long as the Colonel's
here, you're not going to get me

Maybe that's the trick. I'll get the
Colonel to take a furlough. Then Captain

Marcus can charge him. I can twist
around my fingers.

But how will you swing it, Sarge? I
don't know. I'll think of something.

Cut the ready, get in here, run it over
there, okay? Hey, babe!

Get all the real stepcars ready in case
we need it. What's up, Sarge? Look, I...

What are you doing in Class 8 in this
heat? Oh, I just picked up General Wade

the airport.

General Wade? He's coming here?

Yeah, he's just a social visit. He's
spending the evening with the colonel

his wife.

What's the matter?

Oh, well, as the colonel's official
driver, I feel that I should exercise a

certain amount of discretion.

Look who's clamming up. The head of
hopper of the grease pits.

You're right.

obligation to my buddies. That's better.
Talk.

Well, it seems that General Wade used to
go out with Mrs. Hall before she was

married to the colonel. You know, they
were classmates together.

No. I kid you not. At one point, I have
a feeling that the colonel ain't too

happy about this visit. Why, dearie?
Well, how would you feel if your wife's

beau showed up? Number one, he's a
general. Two, he's got all his hair.

Three, no pot belly. And four... Okay,
Pepper, I'll... I'll thank you.

Don't forget, Sarge, don't spread it
around. I don't want to get a reputation

a gossip. Of course not. Move it.

Forgive me. I guess the Colonel will go
on a second honeymoon. A second

honeymoon? Of course. How else is he
going to patch up the fight he and his

just had? I didn't hear about him having
any fight. Of course not. I haven't

started it yet.

May I give you some more coffee, Terry?
Thanks, Nell.

Gosh, it's good seeing you both again.

Nell, you're as pretty as ever.

Oh, and you're just as devilish as you
ever were.

Isn't he, John?

He certainly is.

Cream and sugar, Terry? No, he likes his
coffee black.

Thank you for remembering, Nell.

Now, who could that be?

Good evening, sir.

Wilco, what's this all about?

Well, sir, when word got out that
General Wade was visiting on the post,

the motor pool persuaded Sergeant Ritzig
to whip up this cake.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

And it has a star on it. Yes, ma 'am, to
match the glorious star he has on his

shoulder. Sergeant, thank the man for
me. I appreciate the honor.

Well, really, sir, the honor is all
ours.

Oh, Mrs. Hall, you are a lucky woman
indeed to be spending the evening with

war heroes.

One man decorated four times.

for bravery in action. And the other
man, whose laundry unit won a citation

efficiency in New Guinea.

I didn't hear about that combination,
Charles.

You look ridiculous, Harry. Oh, my
cradle is much too modest. So, in the

thickest of fighting, he saw to it that
our dungarees were kept safe. Spanking

clean. Thank you for the cake, Beatrice.
Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Hall. Let me do

that. I have a very deft hand at cutting
cake. Thank you, sir.

I understand, sir, that you and my
colonel were classmates.

Yes, class of 27.

Oh, my, this has been a lovely dinner, I
suppose, reminiscing about the old

days. Oh, it has been fun.

Nell, do you remember the graduation
ball?

Old John here showed up with a sprained
ankle, and you and I had every day.

Oh, that must have been fun. I bet
you're pretty good. in the dancing

yet, sir. Well, I do get in a little
practice now and then, Sergeant. Oh, I

think dancing is such fun.

I wish John cared more for it. Oh, that
isn't fair, Mrs. Hall. You know he'd

love to if it wasn't for his arches.

The graduation dance. I bet Mrs. Hall
was lovely.

Why, she couldn't have been more than
17.

Yes, she wore a lovely blue gown.

Oh, I think it was pink.

Terry is right, dear. It was blue.

Now, do you remember what I said when I
asked you to dance for the first time?

Oh, what did he say, Mrs. Hall?

He said, lovely stranger, may I have
this dance?

Isn't that cute, sir?

What did you say, Mr. Hall?

I said, yes, you may, whoever you are.

My, don't they make a lovely couple.

Well, Mrs.

Hall is certainly having fun. I haven't
seen her this radiant in years.

She's going to have one of her migraines
if she keeps whirling around.

General Wade is a bachelor, isn't he,
sir?

I believe he is. I can't say that I
blame him. I mean, why should he make

woman happy when he can make dozens
ecstatic? There he goes.

Why, he's strong.

He held her so tight.

I have eyes, Bilko.

Daddy. Oh, my friends.

Just once more around the floor, then
I'll return you to your escort. You

Teenagers. Oh, it's 11 o 'clock, sir.
Would you say goodnight to me? They're

having so much fun, I hate to disturb
them, sir.

Hey,

Sarge. You sure you want me to pack this
heavy sweater?

Of course. What do you think? I'm going
to go skiing in my bathing suit?

Hey, Ernie. What makes you so sure your
plan will work?

That everything's going to schedule.

Tomorrow I talk to Colonel Intertaking
his second honeymoon.

Which leaves Captain Barker at my mercy.
Hey, Sarge, you never did tell us what

happened at the Colonel's house tonight.

What's to tell? I lit the fuse that set
the bomb to go off immediately as the

General left the house.

Which should be right about now.

Oh, he takes his coffee black, John.

Thank you for remembering that.

I never heard such ridiculous nonsense
in my life. John, I was just trying to

make an old friend feel welcome.

Oh, you did that all right. I'm
surprised he didn't move in with his

hair tonic, and everything.

You invited him to dinner. He's your
best friend. What's that got to do with

Terry Wade is a 55 -year -old
adolescent, and you didn't help him grow

Gushing and giggling like a silly
schoolgirl.

Oh, Terry, you're a mad cat.

I do believe you're jealous.

Jealous? Me?

Just because I didn't spend a thousand
dollars on dancing lessons at Arthur

Murray's? Oh, this is a silly argument.

Get a glass of hot milk and go to sleep.

Oh, sure. Go ahead. Make me out a
decrepit old man.

Well, I will not have a glass of hot
milk. I am going to get me a nice big

highball. John, you know what that does
to your stomach.

Save your concern for General Wade.

That Pentagon Perferio.

I'm going to sleep.

Good idea.

I'm going to sleep on the couch.

May I have this dance, lovely stranger?

Come in.

Good morning, Sam.

Wicked day, isn't it, Sam? What do you
want, Philco? I'm in no mood for chit

-chat. Well, sir, one of my men has a
serious family problem, and knowing how

wise you are in matters of this type,
sir, we thought perhaps you could help,

sir. Well, I'm hardly in authority this
morning, but I'll try. Who is it?

Fender, sir.

I'm afraid his marriage is on the verge
of breaking up, sir.

Fender?

He's been married almost as long as I
have. Yes, but unfortunately the Fenders

don't have the same deep understanding
and mutual trust that you and Mrs. Hall

enjoy.

Hmm, yeah.

The Fenders have six children, haven't
they? Yes, sir. And if it wasn't for the

constant bickering, Fender could have
had the large family he's always wanted,

sir.

We gave him an emergency leave, sir.
What good would that do, Bilko?

If he went home, they'd probably start
fighting all over again.

I see what you mean, sir. But if they
went off somewhere by themselves, they'd

have a chance to recapture the great
love they once had. Is that what you

sir? Well, yes.

Why, yes. In that way, the husband could
make up for harsh words.

Said in haste, sir.

Well, you could say that.

Why, it's like getting married again and
going off on a second honeymoon. A

second honeymoon.

That's a brilliant idea, sir. In that
way, they can erase all bitterness and

recapture the happiness they once knew.
A second honeymoon. What a brilliant

idea, sir. Well, I'll have Fender packed
and send him on his way immediately.

May I say, sir, only a man with your
great heart.

Could have come up with such a
sentimental inspiration, sir. Thank you,

That's all right, Bilko. That's what I'm
here for.

Now,

this is Colonel Hall.

Don't ask any questions.

Just pack your trousseau. We're going to
Sun Valley, Idaho on a second

honeymoon.

Hi, this is a beautiful place, inside
and out.

Oh, I beg your pardon, miss. Would you
like to join me for cocktails at the

fireside? You fool, so you've lost
again.

Yes, sir.

Will you register, please? Glad to.

Pardon me, will you cash this check for
me, please? Glad to, Mr. Hall.

If you'll wait one moment.

Just checking in, friend.

A yabber in my hand.

The artist is like Switzerland.

Even chillier sometimes, you know what I
mean.

Room 207.

I hope you enjoy your stay, Mr... I'm
sure I will enjoy this.

Oh,

I beg your pardon, Fraulein. Of course,
mein Herr Wilco.

I'm afraid the pretty Fraulein is
mistaken. This is here. Count von

Wilkermaster. Very well, if you insist.

But you did look like Sergeant Wilco
before your Lord Douglas.

I can see. Mrs. Hall, I can't fool you
with my little jokes, now can I?

Don't worry. I won't say a word to the
Colonel.

Hardly speaking anyway.

Why? I thought this was to be your
second honeymoon.

I'm afraid it just isn't working out
very well.

Oh, dear. Well, come over here. Maybe
there's something I can do to help you

out, Mrs. Hall. Oh, I don't think so,
Sergeant.

You see, John has become so terribly
jealous.

Jealous? Yes, ever since General Wade
paid me those few simple little

compliments. He's suspicious of every
man that even looks at me.

I just don't understand it. I think I
do.

You see, somehow... General Wade has
made the colonel feel insecure, made him

lose assurance with himself.

But I've assured John over and over
again that he's the only man in the

for me.

Well, I'm afraid, Mrs. Hall, the
reassurance has to come from someone

do you mean?

Look, Mrs. Hall, if a lot of pretty
girls flocked around the colonel, now

you act properly jealous? Well, I should
say so.

Good. You just do as I tell you. All
right. Here he comes.

Anytime you're ready, Mrs.

Hall. Say, your wife was showing me
where the dining room was. She is very

sweet. Yes, I'm sure she was.

Come along, Madam Duke Barry.

Telegraph of J .P. Hall.

Who is that?

Telegraph of J .P. Hall. I'll take that,
boy. I'm his assistant, and here you

are. Here's a nice tip for you.

Excuse me, sir, but is that J .P. Hall,
the big Hollywood producer?

Yes, but don't let him get around, you
see. I don't want every pretty girl in

the hotel testing him for a screen test.

What's he doing here, sir?

What was that? What's he doing here,
sir? Keep it quiet, please.

He's on another one of his quiet talent
hunts.

Don't nose it around, but the studio is
looking for the answer to Mel Monroe.

Well, good luck, sir. Thank you, boy.

Well, I better take care of this.

Oh, no.

Hold that pose.

Oh, no, it can't be true.

Oh, forgive me. I shouldn't be doing
this. I'm on vacation.

Oh, no, that's all right. Forgive me. I
don't usually do this. Oh, won't you

please sit down?

Now, before I get my hopes too high, are
you signed with any other film studio?

No, I'm not.

Do you have any picture experience?

Well, yes, I was an extra once in a
Frank Sinatra picture.

By George, this may be J .B.'s lucky
day.

Oh, you just introduced me.

I just know it. No, no, that would never
do. You see, he likes to discover his

own talent the way he discovered Kim
Novak and Elizabeth Taylor and the rest,

you know, is history.

Well, what should I do? Well, tonight,
I'd like you to run into him

in the dining room. I wanted to see the
same qualities in you that I see.

Besides beauty, I wanted to see that
warm, attractive glow that makes every

you look at feel charming and
attractive.

Well, what should I say?

Well, just be natural. Say, hello, how
are you?

Hello, how are you? No, no, dear.

Natural, like Marilyn.

Now, take a deep breath.

Now let it out.

Now say it.

Hello.

How are you?

That's it.

That's it.

Fix your hair. Get into an old dress.
Leave the rest to me.

Oh, no.

Did anybody ever tell you you're a dead
ringer for Ava Gardner?

Funny you should mention that.

I'm just crazy about bullfights.

That's why JB's next $5 million
production is entitled The Matador and

debutante. Well, that's for me. It's
like I told you.

Oh, you close your eyes, it's Ava. She's
Ava.

Well, sure, I'd like to see the movies,
but I'm just a waitress. Well, what do

you think Vivien Leigh was before David
Selznick discovered her?

She was a waitress? No, she was a
British movie star. Of course. I'm

you, J .B. will find your face and
accent irresistible. All he keeps

about is that musical version of Gone
with the Wind that he's making.

Sure enough, is he doing that?

Oh, I just thought of something.

If you get the part, you'd have to kiss
Rock Hudson 40 or 50 times in the

picture. You wouldn't mind, would you,
terribly?

Oh, then it's all said.

You mean Mr. Hall won't care if I don't
know how to act? Oh, heavens, we can

teach you how to act after you become a
star.

You remember what I told you. He'll be
sitting at one of your tables tonight. I

want you to give him the full force of
your southern charm, Scarlet.

Oh, hey.

You look very handsome in that suit,
John.

What's the matter?

You know very well what's the matter.
You still haven't explained why you

to that man with the curly hair.

I was making an appointment with him.

What? Oh, he's a skiing instructor,
John. You said we should take lessons.

Well, pick somebody else. He looked like
a regular hotel gigolo to me.

Good evening, sir. Are you ready to
order?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Two shrimp cocktails.

And the roast beef, medium rare.

Sure enough, Mr. Hall.

How did you know my name?

I'd say that just about every pretty
girl in the hotel knows your name.

There aren't too many mature, attractive
men checking in, and we girls just

notice those things.

Oh, thank you very much. I'll be right
back with your shrimp.

Don't you go away now, here.

Probably just to build up for the tip.

Oh, dear.

Well, now, hey.

How can I ever thank you?

Nothing, really.

Oh, my.

But you're tall.

Yes, I always have been.

Tall and deep blue eyes.

How dreamy.

You're a practical young lady yourself.

Thank you.

A pretty girl like you ought to be in
the movies.

Oh, I hoped you'd say that.

John! Oh, don't let me interrupt your
dinner.

Maybe I can come back later and we can
talk some more.

I should teach him to behave with more
dignity.

Well, all I did was just hand the girl
her purse. I have eyes.

You were flirting outrageously.

Come now, Nell. I'm old enough to be her
father.

John, I'm warning you. You're my husband
and I'll fight for you if I have to.

Oh, now you're getting yourself upset
all over nothing.

Oh, here's the food.

Yeah, we are. I hope I didn't keep you
all waiting too long.

Not at all. She sounds like a real
Scarlett O 'Hara, doesn't she?

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you. Scarlett
O 'Hara.

John, please eat your dinner and be a
little less charming.

Oh, stop nagging, Nell.

You're letting your imagination run away
with you. Now, let's eat.

Have you got a light?

A light?

You know where I am?

Yes, of course.

You know something, Nell?

I'm really beginning to enjoy this
vacation.

This is more than a vacation. It's
supposed to be our second honeymoon.

It is, Nell. It is. I suppose you think
I enjoy watching all those pretty girls

throw themselves at you.

Oh, come now, Nell.

I can't say that I blame them.

I'm sure they find you just as
attractive as I do.

You mean that?

Well, of course I do.

I always have, John.

Why do you think I married you?

Because I find you the most exciting man
I've ever known.

Thank you, my dear.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, not now. Scoot.

Let's go somewhere where we can be
alone.

Wonderful idea, John. Now we can really
have a second honeymoon.

I feel as young tonight as I did 25
years ago.

I'll go get your coat, honey.

Now, don't you talk to any more girls.

I'll try not to.

Leaving so soon?

Oh, knock it off.

Oh,

wonderful, Sergeant. How can I ever
thank you?

Just by being happy for the next 25
years. Oh, Ernie, you're sweet.

Now, hold it.

Now, Mr. Hall told me he liked each one
of you individually and he wants me to

coach you each for a screen test.

Now, let me see. I'll take you Monday,
you Tuesday, and you Wednesday. Oh, what

about me?

Oh, I forgot. Yes, Saturday.

Saturday? What about Thursday or Friday?

Oh, please.

I want to do some skiing, too.

Also seen in tonight's cast were T .J.
Halligan as General Wade, Hope Sandsbury

as Mrs. Hall, Nick Saunders as Captain
Parker, Virginia Martin as the waitress,

Sandu Scott as Marilyn, Marilyn Hanold
as Lauren, and Vicki Taylor as Ava.

Ski Clothes by Norse House, New York.

Downs from Orbex.