All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e30 Bilkos Small Car

Hey,

hey, Paparelli, take it easy, all right?

So, treat it lovingly. This is not the
Colonel's Jeep you're working on. This

mine. Don't worry, guys. I got it all
worked out. Listen to the old Sarge. All

finished, Sarge. Good boy.

Hey, Sarge, it's the first time I ever
put a secret compartment on a Jeep. Will

you shut up? You built it. Now forget
it.

Okay, Sarge. All right, where is it?
What?

The secret compartment.

I forget.

Jerry, tell me you never forget. Well,
it's right between where the axle on the

brake drum used to be.

Used to be?

Well, you've got to give up something,
Sarge. Yeah, but not my life. I'll just

have to drive more carefully.

Gee, Ernie, I can't even see it. Yeah,
that means the MPs won't be able to see

it either.

Ow! Did you screw it on good and tight,
Fender? Sarge, you could put a live bomb

in there without worrying. Yeah, but I'm
carrying what's more dangerous than a

bomb. Full layout. Gambling equipment,
pal. Chuck -a -lock cage.

Roulette wheel. Slot machine. Hey, maybe
I'd better get under and wipe my

fingerprints off. Lou, what are you
worried about? If I get caught with this

stuff in the Jeep, I can get ten years
from the automobile club alone.

He says we're to pick up the gambling
equipment at Spencer's Candy Store.

Spencer and Omi, will you give me the
equipment? Well, you have to use a

password. Now, when you walk in, all you
have to do is ask Spencer for a jumbo

double -rich butter pecan malted with
marshmallow syrup.

Would you like this password?

Some fat kid could walk in for a snack
and walk away with $200 worth of

gambling.

Ted! Ted!

At ease, Bilko. I've been looking all
over camp for you. Looking for me? So

here's where I am. This is where I work,
sir. I know.

That's why it's the last place I usually
look.

There's something I want you to do for
me.

Lance, well, sir, I was going into town
to get a malt, and I developed this

terrible... Yes, sir, there's plenty of
time for malts. Now, if you rush, you

can just catch that next bus to town.

Bus? Well, sir, my Jeep is here. It's
ready to go.

You won't need a Jeep, Bilko. I want you
to go to the Grove City Motor Company

and pick up my new car.

I just got a call that it arrived today.
New car, sir?

Yes, it's one of those small foreign
cars.

Oh, I see. You want me to pick it up
from the dealers and drive it back to

sir? Oh, it'll be a pleasure, sir.
That's the more for it, sir. Excuse me.

one time, may I stop at the... I can't,
sir. I promised the boys I'd bring back

some goodies, sir. Yes, but hurry,
Bilko. I've waited a long time for this.

is so sweet, sir.

Sarge, what about those... Gee, Bilko,
sir, you've given me a sweet tooth. As

long as you're going to the candy store,
will you bring me back a jumbo, double

-rich, butter -pecan malted with
marshmallow syrup? Hey, Sarge, it's...

know.

That's the special for the day. We'd
better hurry before they're all out of

them, sir. Put the car in my garage,
Bilko. Yes, sir.

Come on, let's get the bus and get out
of here.

Sarge, aren't you going to use the Jeep
with the secret compartment? I don't

have to. I got the colonel's car now.
They'll never think of searching that.

Yeah, but what if they do search the
colonel's car and find the gambling

equipment? How are they going to find,
you know, these new little foreign cars?

They can't even find the motor.

Get

the

stuff in here quick. Come on, move it.
Gee, what an action, Sarge. Who would

ever think of looking in here?

Close the door. Let's go in and pay for
this stuff and get out of here. Come on.

Hey, there's one of those little foreign
cars. Hey, they're supposed to be

great. Some give you up to 40 miles on
the gallon. No kidding.

I wonder what kind of a motor she's got.
Well, let's take a look. Hey, what are

you doing? The motor's back here. These
cars are different. They're not like

ours. See?

Hey, that's great.

Well, then what's in the front? Probably
the trunk. I told you they're

different. They reverse everything. They
change it around. See?

Holy mackerel. Look what's in here. Hey,
if this is a foreign car, it must have

come from Monte Carlo.

Someone must have smuggled it and
smuggled it to the state. Hey, maybe

our chance to crack the Johnny Scorpio
gambling ring. Yeah.

Let's get in the car.

Taxi. Taxi.

One of those cute little foreign cars.

It doesn't happen to be yours, does it?

Mine? Why?

Is it parked illegally?

It's illegal, all right. Oh, perhaps the
owner doesn't know our customs and

forgot to put a dime in the meter. I'll
do it for you. You didn't happen to see

him, did you? Well, I was inside having
a malted... But I did see somebody get

out of the car, but I didn't see him too
well. Now, try and think. Was he tall?

Yes, yes, he was tall. Hey, that rules
out Johnny Scorpio. He was short. Oh,

wait a minute. Maybe this fellow was
short. You see, standing alongside of

car, anyone would look tall.

Johnny Scorpio has a scar.

Did this guy have a scar, soldier? Which
side? Left or right? Left side. Left

side. That's right.

Congratulations, officers. We got an all
-points alarm on John Scorpio. Report

that we found his car loaded with
gambling equipment.

I'll stay here and nab him in case he
comes back. Right.

Officers, now, what's going to happen to
this cute little car? Well, we'll just

hold it for evidence and then we catch
Johnny Scorpio.

How long will that be?

May take months. May take years.

But we'll catch him.

and getting through the gate? No
trouble. I just walked right through.

What happened, Sarge? Where's the
equipment, Sarge? Yeah, where's the

It's in the police parking lot.

Police parking?

You mean you got caught?

The colonel's car got caught. We got
away.

What are you going to tell the colonel?
I'll sleep on it. Well, you better take

a fast nap now because here comes the
colonel. As you were, men.

On my way to my garage.

Tell me, how did she ride?

Oh, beautifully, sir, for the first
seven feet. But when she left the

sir, she broke down.

Broke down?

It's a brand new car.

Well, it's not the car's fault, sir.
It's my French. You see, sir, I thought

recherche meant radio, but it means
reverse.

And before the music started, well, it
crashed back into the showroom, sir.

You wrecked my new car?

Oh, no, sir. Just the bumper. The
salesman said they'll replace it, sir.

why didn't you wait for it?

Well, sir, the sailor said they had to
send to France for the spare bumper,

But he promised me faithfully, sir, it
should be here by Vendredi.

Vendredi? Excuse me, sir, that means
Friday.

However, if the plane has tailwinds, it
should be here by Mercredi, sir.

I should have gone for that car myself.

Perhaps you should have bought an
Italian car, sir. Then Paperelli could

picked it up without any trouble at all,
sir. Well, Bilko, I want to see that

car in my garage by Friday morning. Oui,
oui, sir.

Oh, you see, I'm practicing already,
sir.

Well, Pierre, what are we going to do
now?

Yeah, it's a cinch. We ain't going to
get that other car back from the police.

Yeah.

Watch out.

Ernie's thinking.

I'm thinking. I'm worrying.

Remember,

necessity is the mother of invention.

In that case, this must be Mother's Day.

Well, look, we've got to think of
something.

What am I worried about? We got
everything we want right here.

Machinery, parts, tools.

Of course, Ernie. That's it. We build a
printing press and we counterfeit the $1

,900.

Look, if I get a car, stay out of my
way.

Printing press.

We're not building a printing press.
Pass now. We're going to build a kind of

new foreign car.

Why? You think we're going to build a
car here?

Why not? This is a motor pool.

We got expert mechanics.

We're in trouble.

Mullen, Pat Raleigh, Fender.

Slip down the Jeep. You're going to make
a French foreign car out of an American

Jeep? Why not?

Hildegard comes from Milwaukee.

He's going to be thrilled with what he
sees. It's going to have the sweep of a

Jaguar, the power of a Ferrari, and the
dignity of a Mercedes.

Bernie, that's brilliant.

Thinking of it isn't brilliant. Doing it
for 17 bucks, that's brilliant.

It's fond of thee. Friday.

Oh, yes, the car.

Now, now, the car's here.

Oh, when you see it, sir, you'll be the
envy of the open road.

Listen to that. Doesn't it sound like
little old Gabriel?

Here she comes.

What's this?

That's your car, sir.

Well, that isn't what I... No, it isn't,
sir. But may I say you're a very lucky

man. You're the first man in this
country to have next year's model.

Next year's model? Oh, yes. Why, even
the doll hasn't gotten his yet.

Next year's model. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Well,
you know, the bumper. They were

bringing over something. Well, the
Allies wouldn't transport it. They

bumper, so to speak. And I wouldn't have
any more delays. I insisted on the

newest model, sir.

Well, I don't know.

What's the horsepower, Bilko? Six feet.

Same as the Jeep.

Of course, that's a lot of power for a
little car. You know where the power

comes from? If you just follow me here,
sir, you notice these spins? It gives it

a sweep, sir. A transaction. Why does it
say Essex here?

No, Mrs. Dahl, you're pronouncing it
wrong.

The French pronunciation is Essex,
meaning six cylinders.

Well, why don't you take it to the
street in the open road, sir?

Oh, John.

Could we go for a ride?

All right. Well, I'll have to get my
jacket. Good idea. You might as well

up nice and comfy, you know, these farm
cows go digging.

Good luck, Sergeant.

Jerry, who left that Essex on there? You
could have lost up the whole deal.

Hey, look, Ernie. Here comes the
Colonel's car, the real one.

Let me do the talking.

Is this Colonel Hall's house?

Oh, hello there, Sergeant.

Have we met? Of course. You picked this
car up the other day in my showroom.

I did?

I don't know what happened, but the
police called me this morning to come

and identify the car. It seems it was
stolen by some gamblers and then

in front of a cigar store.

Candy store. That's right.

You see, I have a shortwave radio set in
my room. I listen to the police calls

at night. Well, they traced the car to
me, and now I'm delivering it to Colonel

Hall. Oh, well, I'm the Colonel's
personal chauffeur. I'll take care of it

here, and it's awfully nice of you to
take this trouble. Thank you, sir. Thank

you, Sergeant.

Say, that's an interesting car.

What is it?

It's a new foreign car, next year's
model. Oh, next year's model of what?

Well, we haven't decided yet.

And I can't keep track of these foreign
cars.

But I'll tell you one thing. Whoever
manufactured this car will make a

A fortune?

You really think so? Certainly. Today in
America, you can't miss with a small

economical car.

Well, goodbye, Sergeant. Goodbye.

Here, take this homemade model. Get out
of here. I'll take it back to the motor

pool, quick. Are we going to scrap this,
son? You're not going to make a fortune

with this. Get in there. Don't let the
boys see it. I got great plans for this

car. I'll tell you when I see it. Get
out of here, quick.

Well, we're all ready.

There it is.

What's that?

Surprise, son. This is your car.

Well, Lex, this year's car. I want next
year's model.

respond to the floor in that model, sir.
You see, it gets only two miles to a

gallon. Two miles? Yes, you can hardly
get from gasoline station to gasoline

station, sir. But this is it, and it's
good news because this year's model is

going to be next year's model, too. Come
on, sir. Get in there and give it a

spin. Gentlemen,

don't you understand I'm offering you
the opportunity of a lifetime, a chance

get in on the ground floor.

Sarge, are you crazy?

Manufacturing cars like that, who's
going to buy it?

gonna buy all America.

The craze today is for small cars.

Now, come on. Who's gonna buy the first
block of shares?

How much are the shares?

How much you got?

Twelve dollars?

Put this man down for twelve shares.

If you hold on to that stock, I hear
it's gonna split. Come on, boys. Who's

next?

Come on, use your foresight. I'm using
my eyesight, and I can see there ain't

nobody gonna buy that.

Okay, all of you who are not interested
in making money, listen to him. Those of

you who are interested in making money,
listen to me.

Don't you understand?

A $10 investment in the original Ford
company will be worth $5 million today.

Then I'll buy 10 shares.

Good. Afford notice.

Manufacturing these cars, Sarge, will
cost a fortune.

I don't understand. With the orders we
get, I take that money and use it for

manufacturing the cars. All I need is a
couple of hundred dollars to open a

showroom and start some publicity.

What are you going to call the car,
Sarge? It's got to have a classy name.

And it should sound foreign. You're
right.

And here it is, gentlemen. May I present
the new Arrivederci.

Arrivederci? That means goodbye.

Yeah, and that'll be our slogan. An
Arrivederci is a goodbye in any

In the old country.

Ask for a demonstration.

Very good. Rocco, put that in the
window.

Hey, Ernie, we'd better start getting
some customers fast. You know, we only

enough dough to rent this store for
three days. Three days with my

that's all I need, pal.

Besides, look, there's a couple of
customers looking in. I'll open up the

for them. Leave the door alone.

That's the way you sell foreign cars.
Ignore the customers. Make them want

Yeah, I don't get it. It's called snob
appeal. You know what I mean? Make them

feel they're lucky to get one of your
cars. Like you're doing them a favor.

Don't look at them.

Good afternoon.

Antonio, I'll be in my office. But I beg
your pardon. May I see you for a

moment, please? What is it about?

Well, we'd like to see the car.

Well, there it is. You've seen it. Now,
do you mind?

Antonio, in my office. But we might be
interested in buying a Rivadeci.

Would you tell us something about it?
Really? Well, will you tell me something

about yourself first?

And be very careful with who we sell the
car to, you see. We're very

discriminating about our customers.

After all, we wouldn't want the
Arabideci parked in front of a

would we?

I'm a lawyer.

You can't sell the car so you can chase
ambulance, is it? Oh, no. No, thank you.

When the pasta comes, I'm in the... No,
no, no. No, you don't have to.

You don't have to. Stanton, I'm a
corporation lawyer, and this is my wife.

Indeed, we'll check on that, you know.
What is it, Mr. and Mrs. John Smith from

some convention?

Never knew that so I was made. What did
he ever say?

Now, who?

Who recommended you to me? We saw your
sign.

Where is this? Rome, Venice?

In the window. Oh, yes, the localizing.
The most unusual localizing. Isn't she a

dear thing? How much is it? Please,
don't discuss money with me, Martin. My

attendants will take care of you in that
matter. Oh, I'm so sorry. Of course,

the money doesn't really mean anything,
but I do like the car, and I think I'll

take one. Of course you will, but I
haven't decided whether I'll take you.

Well, that... How are you, Mr. Smith? He
does look like a good son. Are you

happy with him?

I'll take a chance on you. My instincts
tell me you'll be all right. I'll take

the risk. Now, you fill out the
application with one of my attendants

a generous deposit.

Take care of the gentleman.

I'll give you a check right now. Please,
I ask you. Never to speak money to me,

my Antonio.

When the provolone comes, I'll be my
own.

Seven, eight, nine. Not bad for one
day's work. Nine orders, pal.

Hey, look at this, Sarge. Look at all
these checks. We got enough money now to

start production.

Hey, look, Ernie. Why don't we call it
quits now? We're going to have our hands

full at the motor pool making eight more
of these. Look, pal, we may just have

to take over another motor pool. Do you
mind?

Pull down the shape. Hold it. Hold it.

There's a distinguished looking type out
there. Give him a double O. He looks

like the Arab -Adechi type. I'll give
him a break. I'll be easy on him. Move

Good afternoon.

Do I have an appointment with you? No, I
just dropped in.

I'm a sports car enthusiast, and I was
interested in your car.

Indeed. Could you tell me something
about its speed and maneuverability?

Of course I could, but not as well as
last year's winner of the Grand Prix

could. Prince Paparelli, I'll fetch him.

He's telling you that in first gear.

This, of course, is second gear. You
understand.

Here's the third gear. I don't have to.

Now, do you realize our plan for that?

What? No.

150 miles an hour.

That's remarkable for such a small car.
Yes, we do. Why hadn't I heard of the

Arrivederci? Well, that's part of our
publicity campaign. So we spent over a

million dollars a year keeping it.

We can only spend half of these cars a
month, you understand.

May I see the motor?

My own. It's a motor.

Si.

Grazie. Grazie.

There you have it.

Very interesting motor. Looks very much
like the motor in a jeep. Did you say

cheap? May I inform you this is one of
the most expensive motors there are? I

didn't say cheap. I said a jeep. A jeep.
A jeep.

A jeep. A jeep. A jeep. A jeep. Oh, and
a horn.

No jeep jeep. Beep beep. No, no.

Beeps are used by the American army.

Have you ever seen one?

Thousands of them. You see, I'm a
colonel in the United States Army.

We've got to screen our customers more
carefully from now on. Let's get back to

the camp and start production.

Hey, Ernie, look, we've got enough money
for the spare parts now, but what about

the motors?

We'll just have to get ten more Jeeps.
Sergeant, if we buy ten more Jeeps, what

happens to our profit?

Who said bye?

I get the colonel to condemn ten Jeeps,
the army says goodbye to them, and wants

to goodbye me to us?

I'll leave it there, sir.

I'm in.

My colonel sent for me, sir. Yes, Belko,
I've been going over this list of motor

pool requisitions.

There must be some mistake here.

Mistake, sir? Yes. You couldn't possibly
have ordered hairpins and chewing gum.

Oh, did they come, sir?

They come.

You mean you want hairpins and chewing
gum? What for? For the jeeps, sir.

Bilko, would you mind telling me what
you're talking about? Oh, I'm sure this

will work, sir, but if it doesn't, I'm
determined to keep them rolling, sir, if

I have to use rubber bands and
toothpicks. But I'll keep trying, sir.

Keep trying.

I had no idea our jeeps were in such a
condition.

Oh, sir, I thought you knew. I thought
that's why you got your own little cute

foreign car.

You see, the rest of us walk whenever
it's possible, sir. How many jeeps are

this condition? Ten.

I counted them this morning, sir. Ten
jeeps. But I wouldn't condemn them, sir.

Who said anything about condemning them?

Certainly not I, sir. The men are
soldiers. They're supposed to take

risks. I'll go down to the motor pool
and see what I can do. Oh, Sergeant

thank heavens I found you. I think we
have a mutiny on our hands. Talk about

better. Let's not bother the colonel.
Wait a minute. Come in here. I want to

hear what this is about. Hold it a
minute. The colonel wants to hear what

is about.

What, sir?

I ordered Private Zimmerman to take the
company jeep and pick up the mail. And

he blatantly refused.

Blatant?

Zimmerman! Why did you refuse, Private
Zimmerman?

Sir, I dreamed of dying on a
battlefield, not on the side of a road.

Private Zimmerman, you can't get killed
picking up the mail.

In that Jeep, you can get killed just
blowing the horn.

You're lying.

You're lying.

Don't tell me about it. We had that
wiring fixed on the defective horn. And

don't start discussing brakes, either.
That Scot's tape will hold for days.

Well, why did you have to use that Jeep?

Couldn't you use some other jeep?
Private Zimmerman? Which one, sir? It's

Russian roulette. Any one of them could
be loaded.

Get me a volunteer to pick up the mail.

Preferably an unmarried man. Out! Out!

I haven't seen such fear in a man's face
since the war.

Oh, I know what you mean.

And save the men, sir. But if I could
just have something to work with.

Paperclips. Anything.

Oh, may I speak to you a moment, sir?
They're bothering the Colonel today.

What is this? What happened to these
men?

We'd like you to straighten out a legal
problem for us, sir.

Private Mullen and Corporal Fender here
want to sue the Army for a quarter of a

million dollars, and I claim they can't.
Sue the Army? What for?

Forcing us to ride in those Jeeps. The
Colonel said enough about Jeeps today.

Sue the Army, indeed.

What happened?

Well, sir, Mullen and I were delivering
the company loan. The next thing we

knew, we were in the Fremont River.

In the river?

Is the bridge out? No, sir. The bridge
was in. The steering wheel came out.

I've got a case for that. I'm talking to
something out of court. Hope he's fair,

fellas. They can't sue the army, Bilko.

Still, I don't like to see my men
getting hurt.

Clark, we'll get a jeep and get these
men over to the hospital. Yes. We've got

to go in that jeep again. Drive us to
the Mullen house.

We've got to go to the Mullen house all
day long. Out!

Sir, I know what you think, but please
believe me, sir. Ten bad jeeps don't

a whole rotten motor pool, sir. I'll go
down and see what I can... Hello?

Just a minute. It's for you, Bilko.

Hello, Bilko here.

What?

All of them?

Oh, no.

What happened, Bilko? Well, what
happened to the jeep? Where was it?

On top of the other jeeps?

Did you find what the call was at the
motor?

Can't you check the motor?

What? It's down at the bottom of the
ravine?

What happened, Bilko? Why don't you go
and get a bus and get those men to a

hospital?

You can't fool them. Why?

All that, the ball.

Oh, so the men of my... I don't want to
hear what happened, Belko. Condemn those

jeeps. It was just sinusoidal condemning
ten jeeps.

Never mind, Belko.

I'll go.

Corporal Martin, you haven't been
killed, have you?

Corporal Martin, send me a requisition
for ten new jeeps and issue this order

the post.

Everyone walks until further notice.

Come in.

This is a surprise.

What are you doing in town, Tom?

Oh, I just came into Grove City with the
missus to do some shopping. Oh, sit

down. Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Jack.

Say, Jack.

Yeah? That little French car outside, is
that yours?

Yes, I just bought it. That's funny. I
almost bought a new foreign car myself

today. You don't say. What kind?

An Arrivederci.

Never heard of it. What's it like? Well,
it's an Italian car with real

continental lines, but the motor looks
just like it needs.

Did you buy it?

No, it seems they're pretty hard to get.
The salesman said they make only ten of

them a month.

Sir, here's the requisition for the ten
new Jeeps. Thank you. We're having a

little trouble in the motor pool.

We need ten new Jeeps. It seems the
other ten just suddenly fell apart.

What did you say the motor looked like?

Jeeps.

What's wrong, Jack?

I don't know until you answer this next
question. What did the salesman look

like? He was a fast -talking fellow. He
was tall, he wore glasses, and he was

bald.

Corporal Martin, clear up that
requisition and bring me a court

I think I'll go and take a look at that
ribbed air chief. But the showroom is

closed. I know, but the factory is open.

Take it easy, Sarge. This ain't for the
army. This is free enterprise.

We're guaranteed our rights by the
United Auto Workers of America.

You're guaranteed nothing. This is an
Italian car.

Wait. Wait.

Yes, come here. It's a criminal. Put
that down. Quick. Quick. Come on.

Lecture position.

Now, you fellas remember this. You know
how I feel about government property.

It's ours to use and not to abuse.

I want six. Yes.

At ease.

At ease, man.

Bilko, don't let me disturb you. Keep
right on with what you were doing.

What is there to do, sir? We were just
sitting around waiting for the new jeeps

to come, sir.

Really? From outside, it sounded like a
factory going full blast.

Oh, well, what's under that canvas?

What canvas, sir? I see only one canvas
here, Velko. Oh, so that's one of the

condemned jeeps. Out of respect, we'd
cover the poor broken thing up. We want

her to remember how she was in her
prime.

Really? Will you mind if I take one last
look at the body?

Oh, do you think you should, sir? I can
take it, Belko.

Hmm, that's interesting. Do you always
put white wall tires on a car that

sending to the junkyard?

It's just a touch of sentiment, sir. We
wanted to send her out with dignity,

sir. I can see it now.

You drive it down to the junkyard, push
it in, and say, Arrivederci.

What is that, sir?

Arrivederci. It's an Italian word
meaning goodbye.

Goodbye, sir?

Yes, Bilko.

Goodbye to your stripes, to your
freedom, to your future.

I don't understand, sir. I'll explain it
to you so you'll know why you're going

to the guardhouse.

The guardhouse, sir?

All my life, I've dreamt of becoming
General Hall.

In two days, you've become General
Motors.

Confidentially, sir, I know there's a
position open on the board of directors.

Stockholders, all those in favor of
Colonel Hall to come and chair the

say aye. Aye!

Congratulations, you've won, speech.

Speech! Speech!

Speech!

Please, please arrest this man. He's
head of the G .I. Mafia.

I want those jeeps restored and give
back all the money that you've taken in.

I've got you this time, Belko.

But, sir, America needs a small car,
sir. We've got one, Belko, with a little

siren on it. It's waiting outside to
take you away.

Your wife can be written off as...

Also seen in tonight's

cast were Dick Van Dyke as Hank Lumpkin,
Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy

Little as Sergeant Grover, Joyce
Gladmond as Lulu Bell, Frank Caponella

scout, Frank Milan as Dan Topping, Phil
Rizzuto, Yogi Berra, Gil McDougall,

Whitey Ford, and Red Barber played
themselves.