Original subtitles

I do that.

girl. A millionaire heiress like that marrying an ordinary G .I. You got a

handkerchief? Sarge, you're crying.

Of course I'm crying.

I can picture myself up there slipping that ring on her finger and saying, with

this ring I'd be wet.

Two steel mills, four railroads.

The hotel's a Venezuelan offshore oil right.

Oh, Ernie, I'm sure he didn't marry her for her money. Oh, sure. He's going to

give the money back, of course. Why don't you get white? All right, she's a

pretty girl.

If you don't buy a box of Cracker Jacks and throw away the prize.

Hey, Sarge, I'm here to go to Hawaii on the honeymoon.

Hawaii? How dull can you get?

If she was my bride, she'd be on her way to Venice right now.

She? What about you? I'd be with her dad making the grand tour.

The oil well.

Why couldn't it have been me? Hello, boys.

Oh, hiya, Padre. Well, Bilko, did you like the wedding? Oh, I thought it was a

wonderful ceremony, Padre.

To tell you the truth, Bilko, when I said if there is anyone among you who

reason that these two should not be joined in matrimony, I expected to see

come running down the aisle.

Oh, really, Padre? I assure you there was nobody in that chapel happier than I

was to see those two kids married.

Is that right, Bilko? I was positive I heard you sobbing all through the

ceremony. Well, I must admit there was one phrase you used that got to me. You

know where you said, do you take this woman in sickness and in wealth? That's

health, Bilko.

The organ was blasting in my ear.

When are you going to settle down and get married, Bilko? Oh, I don't know,

Padre. Where can I meet the right girl? I don't move in those circles. Well,

where do you suppose those two met? I don't know. The horse show? The yacht

races? The junior league ball?

No, Bilko. It was at the U .S .O.

The U .S .O.? You mean besides the free donuts and the ping pong? They supply

rich debit cards?

Which U .S .O.? It's a charming story, the way they met. Yet. Which U .S .O.,

Patrick? You see, this soldier was alone in the city, and he wandered into the U

.S .O. on a Sunday afternoon.

Which U .S .O.? A lot of families in town offered Sunday dinner invitations

soldiers. And it so happened, our soldier went to the home of this family

met their daughter.

The rest you know. Yeah, the rest I know, but I don't know which U .S .O.

one in San Francisco on Pepper Street.

Pepper Street, U .S .O. Well, I've got some work to do. Will I be seeing you in

church next Sunday, Sergeant?

I hope so, Padre. I sincerely hope so.

Here you are, Padre. Two ping -pong battles.

Have a good time.

Well, here we are, gentlemen.

Uncle Sam's Matchmaking Bureau. Besides, look, there's a free donut.

Yeah? Donut. If we're lucky, you'll be eating wedding cake tonight.

Sergeant, would you like to play some ping -pong?

Oh, well, that's what I came here for, to play ping -pong with you. Come on.

Who's just one of us finds a wealthy girl? Are we still partners? Split it

ways. Us three and the lucky girl.

There's the hostess. Look, we're all here.

Are you still a student soldier?

Nobody wanted to play ping -pong with me.

Would you like to go to a movie or a concert?

No, thanks.

Gee, Sunday doesn't seem like Sunday when you're in a strange town.

Boy, I bet my mother's cooking chicken today.

If you'd like to have dinner with some family here in town, I can arrange that.

Oh, that'd be wonderful.

Here comes the jackpot invitation.

You're invited to have dinner at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Jason Rogers, 128

Willow Street.

Willow Street?

Where's that?

Up on Knob Hill.

Bingo.

You don't have to be there until 2 o 'clock.

Have fun.

Congratulations, soldier. I hope you two will be very happy.

Can I help you, Sergeant?

Yes. You see, this is my first time in a big city, and gosh, I'm lonely.

You see, today is my birthday, and Mom would have baked two big cakes.

Two cakes?

It's her birthday, too.

Gosh, I'm lonely.

Well, you should really have dinner with the nice family today.

Oh, yes.

Mom would like that. Mom always said I was alone too much. I have just the

family for you. Mr. and Mrs.

DeFerrari. That DeFerrari, I think I hit rich royalty.

What's their address?

It's the Villa Marie.

Oh, is that the name of their estate?

No, it's their boat.

They're fishermen.

Now, Johnny, but you see, my doctors give me strict orders. I can't eat near

water. You see, my sinus condition, I have to eat high up, like in a penthouse

or up on our pier.

I'll have it in a moment.

But if you care to wait, I'm expecting a call from Chinatown.

No, I'm so lonely, I'd better take what I can get. Thank you very much.

Like my luck, I wanted 30 million. I'm going to wind up at Scongeli's.

I'm not a rich girl on a fishing boat.

I'm not.

I'm going to North Hill, our little friend there. He's going to have

There he is. You wait right here.

Hey, soldier, how about a little ping -pong?

No, thanks.

Oh, I thought you'd like to work up a little appetite for your big dinner this

afternoon. I'm going to go to the D. Ferrari home. Who invited you?

I've got Mr.

and Mrs. Jason Rogers.

Jason Rogers?

The well -known African explorer?

I've been reading about him in National Geographic.

Gee, I guess I'm lucky.

Oh, I should say you are when I think of the conversations I'll have at dinner

all about his adventures. And I read where Mrs. Rogers on Sundays always

native African dishes.

What kind of native African dishes?

Uh, uh, uh, panjo cookies.

What are panjo cookies?

Well, uh, that's creamed monkey paws.

I'll be with a nice family. Oh, a nice family. Well, listen, why don't you take

my invitation? I'm going to the DeFerraris. They're one of the nicest

in San Francisco.

Sarge, you've got to excuse me. I'm going in to make a record to send to my

mother. Oh, all right.

Sarge. Sarge, did you get the Nob Hill invitation yet? Don't worry about it. I

will. Maybe we should come back next Sunday. No, and blow this golden

opportunity. By next Sunday, there'll be a little ping -pong play, and there may

be chairman of the board, and I'll still be eating hero sandwiches.

I'll get that invitation.

Hello, Mom.

This is your son, Emil Schneider. I got rid of my chess calls.

Will you get out of here? I'm trying to make a record for my mother. I thought

your mother was one of your buddies.

Hi, Mom.

Don't you worry about little Emil. He looks grand.

Will you get out of here? I can talk.

Mom. I'm in San Francisco today, and guess who I'm going to have dinner with?

The D.

Ferrari's one of the nicest guys I've ever seen in San Francisco. And his mama

D. Ferrari's going to fatten up our little Emil with lasagna, pasta, basil,

baccala.

Mom,

I'm going to Knob Hill. Yes, to walk off the main course. Then it's back to the

D. Ferrari's for the biscuits, octonis, and zappaloni.

I guess I am cruel, Mama, making you hungry this way. But don't you worry.

will write to and tell you all about the dinner.

Let me talk. The record's almost over.

Save your voice for the community singing.

Oh, Mama, I didn't tell you this. But right after the dinner, the DeFerraris

sing all Italian folk songs. Something like this.

Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Mom. That's it. Oh, you better...

Oh, here it is. Hit the record to your mother. She must be so anxious to hear

from you. Yeah. Let's go.

Oh, Emil.

You better give me your invitation on Arb Hill. Here's mine to the DeFerrari.

Well, I'm not going to the DeFerrari. You're not?

What is that you told your mother? All about the bacala, the lasagna, the pasta

fissure, and the chili, chili, chili.

What did you do? Lie to your mother? I'll give you that invitation before you

break your mother's heart.

Run along, run along, and have a good time. And don't forget, eat all the

antipasto. All right, presto, presto. But, sir...

It's amazing, Bridget.

200 -year -old silver and it still shines just as bright as new.

Hello? Oh, yes, madam. This is Jason. The chauffeur left five minutes ago. The

car will be waiting for it at the Campbell's within an hour. Very good,

When is madam returning, Jason? Not for two hours, so we can have our dinner

with the soldier without being interrupted.

Don't be like that.

Now, Bridget, there hasn't been a soldier yet. We've invited a dinner. Who

hasn't liked turkey? Jason, did you inform the USO to tell the soldier to

to the kitchen door?

Oh, my goodness, I forgot.

Oh, it's nearly two o 'clock. I'd better set the table.

That'll be our soldier now. Answer the door, Jason.

Yes.

How do you do? I'm Sergeant Bilgo. I believe I'm expected.

Oh, yes, the soldier from the USO. Won't you come in, please? Thank you. Thank

you very much.

Well, this is elegant.

Elegant, but yet with a certain restraint.

Reminds me so much of a Vanderbilt mansion.

Did you serve me there once? No.

Would you follow me, please? Of course, of course.

Well, Fidget?

This is the soldier from the USO, Sergeant Wilkins. Hello, Sergeant.

How do you do? Well, I'll meet the staff later, but right now, I'm sure Mrs.

Rogers is waiting to meet me. But I'm Mr. Rogers.

You are?

Well, isn't that rather confusing? I mean, Rogers the butler waiting on Mr.

Jason Rogers? But I'm Jason Rogers.

And this is my wife, Bridget. We're the ones who invited you to dinner.

Well, whose home is this? This is the home of Mr.

and Mrs. Matthew Cunningham. Oh, but you don't have to worry about them. By the

time they return, you'll be gone.

Gone? Oh, you thought you were going to have dinner with Mr. and Mrs.

Cunningham?

I'm sorry. I hope you're not disappointed. Oh, it's sweet of you to

I'd much rather eat here in the kitchen with you. After all, what do I have in

common with Mr. Cunningham? You're right. All Mr. Cunningham talks about

dinner is his business.

What business is that? Oil, steel, real estate.

Uranium?

Smart off a little, because there must be onions in the room. Are you cooking

onions, my dear?

Oh, you poor boy, you must be starved. Now, that's all. Sit down.

Oh, I was just wondering, is there any chance of Mr. Cunningham dropping into

the kitchen for a late snack? I would like to thank him personally.

I don't believe Mr. Cunningham has set foot in this kitchen since the house was

built. Do you like white meat or dog, Sergeant? White, if you don't mind.

Thank you very much.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Miss Deborah. I didn't know you were home.

Yes, I'll do that right away.

Oh, Bridget, fix a plate for Miss Deborah.

Miss Deborah? Is that the housekeeper? Oh, good heavens, no.

She's Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham's daughter. Oh.

You could say the Cunningham's daughter. I mean, Miss Cunningham. Yes. Oh,

father, don't, son. Give her anything she wants.

Oh, well, look. Why don't I take the plate after her? And if it isn't enough,

she can have some of mine. Now, what room is she in? Oh, that will be

Sergeant. She's coming down here to the kitchen.

She is?

Well, that's the kind of heiress I admire. You know what I mean?

Immensely wealthy, but not class conscious.

How do I look to you?

How do you do?

She's only ten years old.

Can't you do her eleven years too soon?

Who's that funny -looking man? Now, Mr. Romano, this is Dr.

Pilker. Pilker?

Pilker? What a silly name.

Oh, she's adorable.

Why don't you tell your daddy you want the funny -looking soldier to come here

all the time?

I don't want you to come here anymore. You frighten my darling.

Oh, once your darling got to know me, she'd love me. I have a wonderful game

that you and I and Daddy and Dolly can play.

What game? It's called Monopoly. You play it with railroads, banks, hotels.

I don't like Monopoly. It's a silly game.

Not the way I play it. Oh, really, Sergeant?

What's your friend doing straight? Oh, she's sweet. Come here, dear. Give your

Uncle Manny a kiss.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure she didn't mean that. She thought I said, give me a kick.

Now, use your face and go to your room.

I hurt my foot. I'm going to tell my daddy on you. No, no, no. Let me tell

on me.

She meant well.

It's no wonder she's so spoiled, Sergeant.

Imagine giving a ten -year -old child a $50 a week allowance.

$50 a week?

I'd have to be a lieutenant to make that.

Thank you very much.

Poetry. This blueberry pie is sheer poetry and pastry.

Another piece, Sergeant. Oh, my tongue says yes, but my stomach says no.

Oh, good heavens, it's five o 'clock. I must be getting back to the USO. Well,

couldn't you stay and have just a little more coffee? Oh, I'd like to, but my

buddies and I are going to the opera tonight. They're doing Lucia, you know.

-da! Ta -da! Ta -da!

Oh, that's great.

Well, we wouldn't want to keep you, Sergeant. It's been a pleasure having

And if you're ever on now, then again, our kitchen is always open. You're very

sweet, and I'll always remember you. Thank you very much. Oh, yes, Mr.

Cunningham. Mr. Cunningham, is he back? Is he here?

A buffet dinner for ten tonight. Yes, sir.

Bridget, get out the good silver. It's a VIP affair tonight.

VIP? Suddenly, suddenly buffets. The Wall Street crowd is probably in from

York again. All they'll talk about at dinner is business and stocks.

Stocks? Tips. Yes, sir. The guest list.

Let me get a pencil, sir. Let me help you. Go on, go on. I'll write it down.

Thank you. The newspaper's all want a guest list. Yes, sir.

I'm ready, sir.

Mr. Clayton Adams of Standard Oil.

Standard Oil.

Mr. Walter Hall of United States Steel.

Steel.

Mr.

Fielding Hall of American Tell and Tell. American?

They split three ways.

Can I have a cold glass of water, please?

Mr. Marshall Farnsworth of Coca -Cola. Oh, honey, make that Coca -Cola. I don't

want to offend anyone.

Mr. Herbert Jordan of Nevada Alloys. Nevada Alloys. It's like having dinner

Dun & Bradstreet.

Dinner at it. Very good, sir. Now, may I have this, please?

Mr. Standard Steele of American Tell & Cola.

Thanks. Of course. You will probably be anxious to get to the opera.

What opera? Now, Bridget, we have a lot of work to do, and we'll need more help.

They'll be coming with their wives.

Oh, we'd better call the agency and get an extra maid and butler. Yes.

Oh, won't you be late for the opera, Sergeant?

Oh, well, the opera. I mean, why does Lucia... I mean, once you've heard

you've had it. And I couldn't enjoy the opera knowing that you're here

shorthanded. Oh, but we won't be. We're going to hire another butler. Oh, let's

face it. What kind of a butler will you get on a Sunday? They'll probably send

you some counterman from some luncheonette. What else can we do?

What else can you do? You can depend upon me. After all, I'll never forget

kindness to me. And so the least I can do is repay you by helping out tonight.

But, Sergeant, we need an experienced butler. Oh, bless your heart. You have

worries in that cause. You see, during the war, I was attached to the British

Royal Fusiliers. Oh, yes, it was my honor to personally serve Field Marshal

Montgomery. As a butler?

To every battle and banquet.

Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, I catered to the entire North African campaign.

Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, there's one thing I learned from dear old Monty.

Attack to the right and save to the left. But I can't let you do it as a

I insist that you pay.

Oh, you are sweet, but that won't be necessary. I'm sure any little tip that

could pick up during the evening would be more than sufficient.

Now, if you'll just give me your key to the white cover. How about us, huh?

We end up with each other and Ernie is up at Nob Hill probably having cocktails

with some gorgeous heiress.

Your move.

I'm tired of moving. Why don't you move once in a while?

Is there a corporal Henshaw here?

Yes. You're wanted on the telephone.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hey, hi, Ernie. How's it going?

Says he's getting dressed for dinner. Wow.

Yeah, Sarge?

No kidding.

Wow.

Yeah, I got you, Ernie. Right.

Right. Right, Sarge.

What is it?

He wants us to get back to camp, Ron. If every cent we can lay our hands on and

sit tight till we hear from him. Why?

Tonight at dinner, he expects to latch on to a fortune in stock tips. How about

Ernie, huh? Right now he's got that novel set eaten out of his hand.

Order.

Ernest. Oh, yes, madam.

Have you chilled the wine yet? But of course, madam. Very good.

Order, gentlemen.

Oh, he pulled out with a $50 ,000 profit. Not bad for a week's work.

Well, I heard of the merger that's coming through this week. It might shoot

stock way up.

You know anything about plastic? Oh, Ernest. Madam, I'm trying to

serve.

Would you have some hors d 'oeuvres, sir? No, thank you. Oh, please try them,

sir. I merged the goose liver with the caviar. You'll find them rather

delicious. Won't you please try one? Well, I'll try one.

Now, where was I? You were in plastic, sir. Oh, yes.

Now, take all the liquid.

Excuse me, sir. I didn't hear that.

Hmm. Tasty.

Tasty plastics.

No, no. The goose liver.

Ernest. Madam, what the... Yes, madam.

They circulate with the hors d 'oeuvres. But of course, yes, madam. It's a dress

I've had for years. Will you ladies have some hors d 'oeuvres?

Oh, don't they look delicious? Oh, I think you'll like them. Now, let me see.

Which one will I take?

Marshal, I'm going to let you in on one of the hottest tips in years.

I'll pick one out for you. Just continue your conversation, sir. Well, what's

the hot tip you have for me? Now, don't let this get around, but call your

broker first thing in the morning and tell him to get it. Deborah, say

to Uncle Fielding. Yes, Daddy.

Uncle Fielding, come upstairs and tell me a story. Why, certainly, dear. But,

sir, you were telling a story to Mr.

Farnsworth. Don't even hang me. Oh, Poo -Poo, Poo -Poo. I want that funny

-looking man to tell me a story. All right, dear. Would you take Deborah to

room, please? But, sir, I haven't heard. I mean, I haven't heard.

Deborah.

Come along with Mommy. I want your Aunt Frances to kiss you goodnight. Yes, I

was saying, Marshal, call your broker in the morning and tell him... No, no, no.

Gentlemen, let's not talk business all night. Come on. It's only seven o

We should talk business all day long. We should relax at night.

Let's go into the billiard room and play a game or two.

Good idea. Sir, if your broker should call while you're gone, do you want me

talk to him to tell him to buy or to sell anything? You can leave the

No, thank you. No, thank you.

No, sir. Oh, dear.

A long -distance call from New York, sir. Oh, thank you. Thank you,

Sure, sure.

Everybody's stuffing, sure. How is it going, Ernest?

Lousy. Everything going out, nothing coming in.

Oh, I'm sure of that.

Yes, I understand, Fred.

Well, you did the best you could.

I'll see what I can do on this end if it's not too late.

Bad news, dear?

I'm afraid so.

That was Fred in New York.

He couldn't raise a dime.

Now, unless we can raise half a million by Tuesday, it's the end of Nevada

Alloys. Oh, dear.

But there must be something you can do.

Maybe there is.

If I can get some of this crowd to buy our stock, it might pull us out of the

hole. But how will you do that?

Start a rumor.

If they think Nevada Alloys is going to merge with Texas Mining, they'll rush to

get in on it.

But is that honest?

Well, I'm afraid it's either that or bankruptcy.

At least let's give it a try.

I really feel proud of myself. I shot a birdie on that tough third hole at

Pebble Beach.

Some champagne, sir?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Now, where was I? You were on plastic, sir. No, no, I was approaching the

I made a beautiful wet shot and sunk it in three. Excuse me, sir. Those golf

balls, they're made of plastic, aren't they? I beg your pardon?

Champagne. I can use a little of this. I really feel like celebrating.

Good news, George? What is it?

Well, there's no reason why I shouldn't let a few close friends in on it. Oh,

have some more champagne, sir. Good news. And champagne go together.

Well? I just had a call from New York.

This is the kind of a deal that comes along once in a lifetime.

Believe me, gentlemen, this merger is going to send this stock sky high.

Well, what is it, Herb? Come on, our tongues are hanging out. Yes, Herb, tell

us. Let us all make a bundle on this, huh?

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Bubbling. Come on, man, out with it.

Yes, yes, what is it? Will you, will you, will you have some... Here it is.

Nevada Alvarez and Texas Mining are merging.

By tomorrow morning, the stock will zoom. Buy it now.

But it's Sunday.

Yes, it's Sunday. What'll we do?

People want to buy it on the British exchange. It's Monday morning over

phone. I've got to get to a phone.

Will you hold this, please? It's something wrong.

He's a very nervous fellow.

I'll spread the good news among some of the other boys.

Marshall? What do you think, Warren? Look, I know Texas mining. They're not

merging with anyone. If he's telling us that... Nevada alloys must be in big

trouble. Don't touch it, eh? I wouldn't touch it with a ten -foot pole, or you'd

lose your shirt.

Now, if you've got that handshake, Nevada alloys.

Write it down so you won't forget it. Now, how much money were you able to

in the camper?

Two hundred bucks is chicken feed. Look, go into my room. On the wall, there's a

rifle. Now, stuff in the barrel of the rifle is four hundred bucks.

Heaven's sakes, don't pull a trigger, or you'll wipe me out.

Give that money to the London Stock Exchange.

As fast as you can.

Now, remember, it's alloys.

I'm sorry, this is the Cunningham residence.

There's no Mr. Alloy's here. Yes, this is the wrong number. Sorry.

Yes, ma 'am.

I think the guests are ready to eat now. Would you please start carving the cape

on? Yes, ma 'am. I'll cut the coupon.

I heard the news I was flabbergasted.

Of course, it'll mean millions for my company. Thanks for the tip, Herb. Well,

think I'll join the ladies, if you'll excuse me.

Imagine that.

Alloys and Texas mining merging. You don't believe that, do you? Why, what do

you mean? I know a false rumor when I hear one.

Jordan's flat broke. The whole company and all the stockholders are going down

with him.

I'll kill myself.

Oh, my God, he's... Stop,

Riley. Get Hatcher O 'Rourke through the phone right away.

How, what?

He left a little while ago, huh?

Carrying a rifle with him. Again.

Melanie, your money's on the way to England. This is a fine time to be

bundle to Britain.

quarter. Will you listen to us? Save it for your lawyer.

What are we going to tell Ernie? I don't know. If they don't hang us, Ernie

will. Should we go over the hill?

I don't know.

Hi, Sarge.

We're sorry, Ernie. Sorry.

I suppose we were expecting too much to have things go right for a change.

Well, it was just one of those things.

It was just 600 of those things.

650 of those things, Ernie. We found an extra 50 in the chamber of the rifle.

There's no difference to make. It's all gone now.

Oh, no, Sarge. It ain't gone. They're just holding it for evidence.

See, they'll give it back after the trial.

Trial? What trial?

What did I do wrong? All I am is a stupid stockholder.

Not your trial, Sarge. Our trial.

Didn't the MP tell you? Nobody tells me anything except to buy. Keep buying.

What do you got?

We couldn't get the money out of the barrel of the rifle, so we took the

down to the cable office. And before we could say anything, everybody put their

hands up and an alarm went off.

They didn't send the money?

They didn't have a chance. The police station was right across the street.

That's why we're sorry, Sarge.

We'll make it up to you, Ernie. We lost your fortune.

So what?

So what?

What's a stock tip worth $100 ,000 profit between friends?

Gee, Sarge, we had you figured all wrong.

When I get through testifying at your trial, they'll probably give you a

of medals.

Ernie, may I shake your hand?

No.

I want to shake your hand.

Sarge, $100 ,000?

Gee, what a lovely wedding. Did you guys

see Bilko? He was crying like a baby.

He goes to a fishing boat, winds up with an heiress. How was I to know her

father owned the biggest fishing fleet in California?

Hey, honey, here comes the groom.

You feel pretty smart, huh?

Switching invitations on me, huh?

Let me warn you. Go on your honeymoon, but when you come back, if I find out

she's got a sister and you didn't tell me, watch it. Go ahead, join your bride.

But, Sarge...

Also seen on tonight's cast were Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, Nancy Guile as the nurse, Jane Keene as Marion, Jane Dulo

Mildred, Philippa Bevins as Major Allenby, Barbara Berry as Edna, and

Allen as Billy.

Now stay tuned for the monsters next year in TV Land.