All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e28 Bilko the Butler

I do that.

girl. A millionaire heiress like that
marrying an ordinary G .I. You got a

handkerchief? Sarge, you're crying.

Of course I'm crying.

I can picture myself up there slipping
that ring on her finger and saying, with

this ring I'd be wet.

Two steel mills, four railroads.

The hotel's a Venezuelan offshore oil
right.

Oh, Ernie, I'm sure he didn't marry her
for her money. Oh, sure. He's going to

give the money back, of course. Why
don't you get white? All right, she's a

pretty girl.

If you don't buy a box of Cracker Jacks
and throw away the prize.

Hey, Sarge, I'm here to go to Hawaii on
the honeymoon.

Hawaii? How dull can you get?

If she was my bride, she'd be on her way
to Venice right now.

She? What about you? I'd be with her dad
making the grand tour.

The oil well.

Why couldn't it have been me? Hello,
boys.

Oh, hiya, Padre. Well, Bilko, did you
like the wedding? Oh, I thought it was a

wonderful ceremony, Padre.

To tell you the truth, Bilko, when I
said if there is anyone among you who

reason that these two should not be
joined in matrimony, I expected to see

come running down the aisle.

Oh, really, Padre? I assure you there
was nobody in that chapel happier than I

was to see those two kids married.

Is that right, Bilko? I was positive I
heard you sobbing all through the

ceremony. Well, I must admit there was
one phrase you used that got to me. You

know where you said, do you take this
woman in sickness and in wealth? That's

health, Bilko.

The organ was blasting in my ear.

When are you going to settle down and
get married, Bilko? Oh, I don't know,

Padre. Where can I meet the right girl?
I don't move in those circles. Well,

where do you suppose those two met? I
don't know. The horse show? The yacht

races? The junior league ball?

No, Bilko. It was at the U .S .O.

The U .S .O.? You mean besides the free
donuts and the ping pong? They supply

rich debit cards?

Which U .S .O.? It's a charming story,
the way they met. Yet. Which U .S .O.,

Patrick? You see, this soldier was alone
in the city, and he wandered into the U

.S .O. on a Sunday afternoon.

Which U .S .O.? A lot of families in
town offered Sunday dinner invitations

soldiers. And it so happened, our
soldier went to the home of this family

met their daughter.

The rest you know. Yeah, the rest I
know, but I don't know which U .S .O.

one in San Francisco on Pepper Street.

Pepper Street, U .S .O. Well, I've got
some work to do. Will I be seeing you in

church next Sunday, Sergeant?

I hope so, Padre. I sincerely hope so.

Here you are, Padre. Two ping -pong
battles.

Have a good time.

Well, here we are, gentlemen.

Uncle Sam's Matchmaking Bureau. Besides,
look, there's a free donut.

Yeah? Donut. If we're lucky, you'll be
eating wedding cake tonight.

Sergeant, would you like to play some
ping -pong?

Oh, well, that's what I came here for,
to play ping -pong with you. Come on.

Who's just one of us finds a wealthy
girl? Are we still partners? Split it

ways. Us three and the lucky girl.

There's the hostess. Look, we're all
here.

Are you still a student soldier?

Nobody wanted to play ping -pong with
me.

Would you like to go to a movie or a
concert?

No, thanks.

Gee, Sunday doesn't seem like Sunday
when you're in a strange town.

Boy, I bet my mother's cooking chicken
today.

If you'd like to have dinner with some
family here in town, I can arrange that.

Oh, that'd be wonderful.

Here comes the jackpot invitation.

You're invited to have dinner at the
home of Mr. and Mrs. Jason Rogers, 128

Willow Street.

Willow Street?

Where's that?

Up on Knob Hill.

Bingo.

You don't have to be there until 2 o
'clock.

Have fun.

Congratulations, soldier. I hope you two
will be very happy.

Can I help you, Sergeant?

Yes. You see, this is my first time in a
big city, and gosh, I'm lonely.

You see, today is my birthday, and Mom
would have baked two big cakes.

Two cakes?

It's her birthday, too.

Gosh, I'm lonely.

Well, you should really have dinner with
the nice family today.

Oh, yes.

Mom would like that. Mom always said I
was alone too much. I have just the

family for you. Mr. and Mrs.

DeFerrari. That DeFerrari, I think I hit
rich royalty.

What's their address?

It's the Villa Marie.

Oh, is that the name of their estate?

No, it's their boat.

They're fishermen.

Now, Johnny, but you see, my doctors
give me strict orders. I can't eat near

water. You see, my sinus condition, I
have to eat high up, like in a penthouse

or up on our pier.

I'll have it in a moment.

But if you care to wait, I'm expecting a
call from Chinatown.

No, I'm so lonely, I'd better take what
I can get. Thank you very much.

Like my luck, I wanted 30 million. I'm
going to wind up at Scongeli's.

I'm not a rich girl on a fishing boat.

I'm not.

I'm going to North Hill, our little
friend there. He's going to have

There he is. You wait right here.

Hey, soldier, how about a little ping
-pong?

No, thanks.

Oh, I thought you'd like to work up a
little appetite for your big dinner this

afternoon. I'm going to go to the D.
Ferrari home. Who invited you?

I've got Mr.

and Mrs. Jason Rogers.

Jason Rogers?

The well -known African explorer?

I've been reading about him in National
Geographic.

Gee, I guess I'm lucky.

Oh, I should say you are when I think of
the conversations I'll have at dinner

all about his adventures. And I read
where Mrs. Rogers on Sundays always

native African dishes.

What kind of native African dishes?

Uh, uh, uh, panjo cookies.

What are panjo cookies?

Well, uh, that's creamed monkey paws.

I'll be with a nice family. Oh, a nice
family. Well, listen, why don't you take

my invitation? I'm going to the
DeFerraris. They're one of the nicest

in San Francisco.

Sarge, you've got to excuse me. I'm
going in to make a record to send to my

mother. Oh, all right.

Sarge. Sarge, did you get the Nob Hill
invitation yet? Don't worry about it. I

will. Maybe we should come back next
Sunday. No, and blow this golden

opportunity. By next Sunday, there'll be
a little ping -pong play, and there may

be chairman of the board, and I'll still
be eating hero sandwiches.

I'll get that invitation.

Hello, Mom.

This is your son, Emil Schneider. I got
rid of my chess calls.

Will you get out of here? I'm trying to
make a record for my mother. I thought

your mother was one of your buddies.

Hi, Mom.

Don't you worry about little Emil. He
looks grand.

Will you get out of here? I can talk.

Mom. I'm in San Francisco today, and
guess who I'm going to have dinner with?

The D.

Ferrari's one of the nicest guys I've
ever seen in San Francisco. And his mama

D. Ferrari's going to fatten up our
little Emil with lasagna, pasta, basil,

baccala.

Mom,

I'm going to Knob Hill. Yes, to walk off
the main course. Then it's back to the

D. Ferrari's for the biscuits, octonis,
and zappaloni.

I guess I am cruel, Mama, making you
hungry this way. But don't you worry.

will write to and tell you all about the
dinner.

Let me talk. The record's almost over.

Save your voice for the community
singing.

Oh, Mama, I didn't tell you this. But
right after the dinner, the DeFerraris

sing all Italian folk songs. Something
like this.

Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Mom. That's it.
Oh, you better...

Oh, here it is. Hit the record to your
mother. She must be so anxious to hear

from you. Yeah. Let's go.

Oh, Emil.

You better give me your invitation on
Arb Hill. Here's mine to the DeFerrari.

Well, I'm not going to the DeFerrari.
You're not?

What is that you told your mother? All
about the bacala, the lasagna, the pasta

fissure, and the chili, chili, chili.

What did you do? Lie to your mother?
I'll give you that invitation before you

break your mother's heart.

Run along, run along, and have a good
time. And don't forget, eat all the

antipasto. All right, presto, presto.
But, sir...

It's amazing, Bridget.

200 -year -old silver and it still
shines just as bright as new.

Hello? Oh, yes, madam. This is Jason.
The chauffeur left five minutes ago. The

car will be waiting for it at the
Campbell's within an hour. Very good,

When is madam returning, Jason? Not for
two hours, so we can have our dinner

with the soldier without being
interrupted.

Don't be like that.

Now, Bridget, there hasn't been a
soldier yet. We've invited a dinner. Who

hasn't liked turkey? Jason, did you
inform the USO to tell the soldier to

to the kitchen door?

Oh, my goodness, I forgot.

Oh, it's nearly two o 'clock. I'd better
set the table.

That'll be our soldier now. Answer the
door, Jason.

Yes.

How do you do? I'm Sergeant Bilgo. I
believe I'm expected.

Oh, yes, the soldier from the USO. Won't
you come in, please? Thank you. Thank

you very much.

Well, this is elegant.

Elegant, but yet with a certain
restraint.

Reminds me so much of a Vanderbilt
mansion.

Did you serve me there once? No.

Would you follow me, please? Of course,
of course.

Well, Fidget?

This is the soldier from the USO,
Sergeant Wilkins. Hello, Sergeant.

How do you do? Well, I'll meet the staff
later, but right now, I'm sure Mrs.

Rogers is waiting to meet me. But I'm
Mr. Rogers.

You are?

Well, isn't that rather confusing? I
mean, Rogers the butler waiting on Mr.

Jason Rogers? But I'm Jason Rogers.

And this is my wife, Bridget. We're the
ones who invited you to dinner.

Well, whose home is this? This is the
home of Mr.

and Mrs. Matthew Cunningham. Oh, but you
don't have to worry about them. By the

time they return, you'll be gone.

Gone? Oh, you thought you were going to
have dinner with Mr. and Mrs.

Cunningham?

I'm sorry. I hope you're not
disappointed. Oh, it's sweet of you to

I'd much rather eat here in the kitchen
with you. After all, what do I have in

common with Mr. Cunningham? You're
right. All Mr. Cunningham talks about

dinner is his business.

What business is that? Oil, steel, real
estate.

Uranium?

Smart off a little, because there must
be onions in the room. Are you cooking

onions, my dear?

Oh, you poor boy, you must be starved.
Now, that's all. Sit down.

Oh, I was just wondering, is there any
chance of Mr. Cunningham dropping into

the kitchen for a late snack? I would
like to thank him personally.

I don't believe Mr. Cunningham has set
foot in this kitchen since the house was

built. Do you like white meat or dog,
Sergeant? White, if you don't mind.

Thank you very much.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Miss Deborah. I didn't know you
were home.

Yes, I'll do that right away.

Oh, Bridget, fix a plate for Miss
Deborah.

Miss Deborah? Is that the housekeeper?
Oh, good heavens, no.

She's Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham's
daughter. Oh.

You could say the Cunningham's daughter.
I mean, Miss Cunningham. Yes. Oh,

father, don't, son. Give her anything
she wants.

Oh, well, look. Why don't I take the
plate after her? And if it isn't enough,

she can have some of mine. Now, what
room is she in? Oh, that will be

Sergeant. She's coming down here to the
kitchen.

She is?

Well, that's the kind of heiress I
admire. You know what I mean?

Immensely wealthy, but not class
conscious.

How do I look to you?

How do you do?

She's only ten years old.

Can't you do her eleven years too soon?

Who's that funny -looking man? Now, Mr.
Romano, this is Dr.

Pilker. Pilker?

Pilker? What a silly name.

Oh, she's adorable.

Why don't you tell your daddy you want
the funny -looking soldier to come here

all the time?

I don't want you to come here anymore.
You frighten my darling.

Oh, once your darling got to know me,
she'd love me. I have a wonderful game

that you and I and Daddy and Dolly can
play.

What game? It's called Monopoly. You
play it with railroads, banks, hotels.

I don't like Monopoly. It's a silly
game.

Not the way I play it. Oh, really,
Sergeant?

What's your friend doing straight? Oh,
she's sweet. Come here, dear. Give your

Uncle Manny a kiss.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure she didn't mean that. She
thought I said, give me a kick.

Now, use your face and go to your room.

I hurt my foot. I'm going to tell my
daddy on you. No, no, no. Let me tell

on me.

She meant well.

It's no wonder she's so spoiled,
Sergeant.

Imagine giving a ten -year -old child a
$50 a week allowance.

$50 a week?

I'd have to be a lieutenant to make
that.

Thank you very much.

Poetry. This blueberry pie is sheer
poetry and pastry.

Another piece, Sergeant. Oh, my tongue
says yes, but my stomach says no.

Oh, good heavens, it's five o 'clock. I
must be getting back to the USO. Well,

couldn't you stay and have just a little
more coffee? Oh, I'd like to, but my

buddies and I are going to the opera
tonight. They're doing Lucia, you know.

-da! Ta -da! Ta -da!

Oh, that's great.

Well, we wouldn't want to keep you,
Sergeant. It's been a pleasure having

And if you're ever on now, then again,
our kitchen is always open. You're very

sweet, and I'll always remember you.
Thank you very much. Oh, yes, Mr.

Cunningham. Mr. Cunningham, is he back?
Is he here?

A buffet dinner for ten tonight. Yes,
sir.

Bridget, get out the good silver. It's a
VIP affair tonight.

VIP? Suddenly, suddenly buffets. The
Wall Street crowd is probably in from

York again. All they'll talk about at
dinner is business and stocks.

Stocks? Tips. Yes, sir. The guest list.

Let me get a pencil, sir. Let me help
you. Go on, go on. I'll write it down.

Thank you. The newspaper's all want a
guest list. Yes, sir.

I'm ready, sir.

Mr. Clayton Adams of Standard Oil.

Standard Oil.

Mr. Walter Hall of United States Steel.

Steel.

Mr.

Fielding Hall of American Tell and Tell.
American?

They split three ways.

Can I have a cold glass of water,
please?

Mr. Marshall Farnsworth of Coca -Cola.
Oh, honey, make that Coca -Cola. I don't

want to offend anyone.

Mr. Herbert Jordan of Nevada Alloys.
Nevada Alloys. It's like having dinner

Dun & Bradstreet.

Dinner at it. Very good, sir. Now, may I
have this, please?

Mr. Standard Steele of American Tell &
Cola.

Thanks. Of course. You will probably be
anxious to get to the opera.

What opera? Now, Bridget, we have a lot
of work to do, and we'll need more help.

They'll be coming with their wives.

Oh, we'd better call the agency and get
an extra maid and butler. Yes.

Oh, won't you be late for the opera,
Sergeant?

Oh, well, the opera. I mean, why does
Lucia... I mean, once you've heard

you've had it. And I couldn't enjoy the
opera knowing that you're here

shorthanded. Oh, but we won't be. We're
going to hire another butler. Oh, let's

face it. What kind of a butler will you
get on a Sunday? They'll probably send

you some counterman from some
luncheonette. What else can we do?

What else can you do? You can depend
upon me. After all, I'll never forget

kindness to me. And so the least I can
do is repay you by helping out tonight.

But, Sergeant, we need an experienced
butler. Oh, bless your heart. You have

worries in that cause. You see, during
the war, I was attached to the British

Royal Fusiliers. Oh, yes, it was my
honor to personally serve Field Marshal

Montgomery. As a butler?

To every battle and banquet.

Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, I catered
to the entire North African campaign.

Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, there's one
thing I learned from dear old Monty.

Attack to the right and save to the
left. But I can't let you do it as a

I insist that you pay.

Oh, you are sweet, but that won't be
necessary. I'm sure any little tip that

could pick up during the evening would
be more than sufficient.

Now, if you'll just give me your key to
the white cover. How about us, huh?

We end up with each other and Ernie is
up at Nob Hill probably having cocktails

with some gorgeous heiress.

Your move.

I'm tired of moving. Why don't you move
once in a while?

Is there a corporal Henshaw here?

Yes. You're wanted on the telephone.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hey, hi, Ernie. How's it going?

Says he's getting dressed for dinner.
Wow.

Yeah, Sarge?

No kidding.

Wow.

Yeah, I got you, Ernie. Right.

Right. Right, Sarge.

What is it?

He wants us to get back to camp, Ron. If
every cent we can lay our hands on and

sit tight till we hear from him. Why?

Tonight at dinner, he expects to latch
on to a fortune in stock tips. How about

Ernie, huh? Right now he's got that
novel set eaten out of his hand.

Order.

Ernest. Oh, yes, madam.

Have you chilled the wine yet? But of
course, madam. Very good.

Order, gentlemen.

Oh, he pulled out with a $50 ,000
profit. Not bad for a week's work.

Well, I heard of the merger that's
coming through this week. It might shoot

stock way up.

You know anything about plastic? Oh,
Ernest. Madam, I'm trying to

serve.

Would you have some hors d 'oeuvres,
sir? No, thank you. Oh, please try them,

sir. I merged the goose liver with the
caviar. You'll find them rather

delicious. Won't you please try one?
Well, I'll try one.

Now, where was I? You were in plastic,
sir. Oh, yes.

Now, take all the liquid.

Excuse me, sir. I didn't hear that.

Hmm. Tasty.

Tasty plastics.

No, no. The goose liver.

Ernest. Madam, what the... Yes, madam.

They circulate with the hors d 'oeuvres.
But of course, yes, madam. It's a dress

I've had for years. Will you ladies have
some hors d 'oeuvres?

Oh, don't they look delicious? Oh, I
think you'll like them. Now, let me see.

Which one will I take?

Marshal, I'm going to let you in on one
of the hottest tips in years.

I'll pick one out for you. Just continue
your conversation, sir. Well, what's

the hot tip you have for me? Now, don't
let this get around, but call your

broker first thing in the morning and
tell him to get it. Deborah, say

to Uncle Fielding. Yes, Daddy.

Uncle Fielding, come upstairs and tell
me a story. Why, certainly, dear. But,

sir, you were telling a story to Mr.

Farnsworth. Don't even hang me. Oh, Poo
-Poo, Poo -Poo. I want that funny

-looking man to tell me a story. All
right, dear. Would you take Deborah to

room, please? But, sir, I haven't heard.
I mean, I haven't heard.

Deborah.

Come along with Mommy. I want your Aunt
Frances to kiss you goodnight. Yes, I

was saying, Marshal, call your broker in
the morning and tell him... No, no, no.

Gentlemen, let's not talk business all
night. Come on. It's only seven o

We should talk business all day long. We
should relax at night.

Let's go into the billiard room and play
a game or two.

Good idea. Sir, if your broker should
call while you're gone, do you want me

talk to him to tell him to buy or to
sell anything? You can leave the

No, thank you. No, thank you.

No, sir. Oh, dear.

A long -distance call from New York,
sir. Oh, thank you. Thank you,

Sure, sure.

Everybody's stuffing, sure. How is it
going, Ernest?

Lousy. Everything going out, nothing
coming in.

Oh, I'm sure of that.

Yes, I understand, Fred.

Well, you did the best you could.

I'll see what I can do on this end if
it's not too late.

Bad news, dear?

I'm afraid so.

That was Fred in New York.

He couldn't raise a dime.

Now, unless we can raise half a million
by Tuesday, it's the end of Nevada

Alloys. Oh, dear.

But there must be something you can do.

Maybe there is.

If I can get some of this crowd to buy
our stock, it might pull us out of the

hole. But how will you do that?

Start a rumor.

If they think Nevada Alloys is going to
merge with Texas Mining, they'll rush to

get in on it.

But is that honest?

Well, I'm afraid it's either that or
bankruptcy.

At least let's give it a try.

I really feel proud of myself. I shot a
birdie on that tough third hole at

Pebble Beach.

Some champagne, sir?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Now, where was I? You were on plastic,
sir. No, no, I was approaching the

I made a beautiful wet shot and sunk it
in three. Excuse me, sir. Those golf

balls, they're made of plastic, aren't
they? I beg your pardon?

Champagne. I can use a little of this. I
really feel like celebrating.

Good news, George? What is it?

Well, there's no reason why I shouldn't
let a few close friends in on it. Oh,

have some more champagne, sir. Good
news. And champagne go together.

Well? I just had a call from New York.

This is the kind of a deal that comes
along once in a lifetime.

Believe me, gentlemen, this merger is
going to send this stock sky high.

Well, what is it, Herb? Come on, our
tongues are hanging out. Yes, Herb, tell

us. Let us all make a bundle on this,
huh?

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Bubbling. Come on, man, out with it.

Yes, yes, what is it? Will you, will
you, will you have some... Here it is.

Nevada Alvarez and Texas Mining are
merging.

By tomorrow morning, the stock will
zoom. Buy it now.

But it's Sunday.

Yes, it's Sunday. What'll we do?

People want to buy it on the British
exchange. It's Monday morning over

phone. I've got to get to a phone.

Will you hold this, please? It's
something wrong.

He's a very nervous fellow.

I'll spread the good news among some of
the other boys.

Marshall? What do you think, Warren?
Look, I know Texas mining. They're not

merging with anyone. If he's telling us
that... Nevada alloys must be in big

trouble. Don't touch it, eh? I wouldn't
touch it with a ten -foot pole, or you'd

lose your shirt.

Now, if you've got that handshake,
Nevada alloys.

Write it down so you won't forget it.
Now, how much money were you able to

in the camper?

Two hundred bucks is chicken feed. Look,
go into my room. On the wall, there's a

rifle. Now, stuff in the barrel of the
rifle is four hundred bucks.

Heaven's sakes, don't pull a trigger, or
you'll wipe me out.

Give that money to the London Stock
Exchange.

As fast as you can.

Now, remember, it's alloys.

I'm sorry, this is the Cunningham
residence.

There's no Mr. Alloy's here. Yes, this
is the wrong number. Sorry.

Yes, ma 'am.

I think the guests are ready to eat now.
Would you please start carving the cape

on? Yes, ma 'am. I'll cut the coupon.

I heard the news I was flabbergasted.

Of course, it'll mean millions for my
company. Thanks for the tip, Herb. Well,

think I'll join the ladies, if you'll
excuse me.

Imagine that.

Alloys and Texas mining merging. You
don't believe that, do you? Why, what do

you mean? I know a false rumor when I
hear one.

Jordan's flat broke. The whole company
and all the stockholders are going down

with him.

I'll kill myself.

Oh, my God, he's... Stop,

Riley. Get Hatcher O 'Rourke through the
phone right away.

How, what?

He left a little while ago, huh?

Carrying a rifle with him. Again.

Melanie, your money's on the way to
England. This is a fine time to be

bundle to Britain.

quarter. Will you listen to us? Save it
for your lawyer.

What are we going to tell Ernie? I don't
know. If they don't hang us, Ernie

will. Should we go over the hill?

I don't know.

Hi, Sarge.

We're sorry, Ernie. Sorry.

I suppose we were expecting too much to
have things go right for a change.

Well, it was just one of those things.

It was just 600 of those things.

650 of those things, Ernie. We found an
extra 50 in the chamber of the rifle.

There's no difference to make. It's all
gone now.

Oh, no, Sarge. It ain't gone. They're
just holding it for evidence.

See, they'll give it back after the
trial.

Trial? What trial?

What did I do wrong? All I am is a
stupid stockholder.

Not your trial, Sarge. Our trial.

Didn't the MP tell you? Nobody tells me
anything except to buy. Keep buying.

What do you got?

We couldn't get the money out of the
barrel of the rifle, so we took the

down to the cable office. And before we
could say anything, everybody put their

hands up and an alarm went off.

They didn't send the money?

They didn't have a chance. The police
station was right across the street.

That's why we're sorry, Sarge.

We'll make it up to you, Ernie. We lost
your fortune.

So what?

So what?

What's a stock tip worth $100 ,000
profit between friends?

Gee, Sarge, we had you figured all
wrong.

When I get through testifying at your
trial, they'll probably give you a

of medals.

Ernie, may I shake your hand?

No.

I want to shake your hand.

Sarge, $100 ,000?

Gee, what a lovely wedding. Did you guys

see Bilko? He was crying like a baby.

He goes to a fishing boat, winds up with
an heiress. How was I to know her

father owned the biggest fishing fleet
in California?

Hey, honey, here comes the groom.

You feel pretty smart, huh?

Switching invitations on me, huh?

Let me warn you. Go on your honeymoon,
but when you come back, if I find out

she's got a sister and you didn't tell
me, watch it. Go ahead, join your bride.

But, Sarge...

Also seen on tonight's cast were Joey
Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, Nancy Guile as the
nurse, Jane Keene as Marion, Jane Dulo

Mildred, Philippa Bevins as Major
Allenby, Barbara Berry as Edna, and

Allen as Billy.

Now stay tuned for the monsters next
year in TV Land.