Original subtitles

Blah -doo -yah!

What do you think of your Sergeant Bilko now?

You've worked wonders, Lieutenant Blake.

You've certainly got Bilko towing the market.

I know the men don't like me because of the way I've been driving them, but I do

get results.

Amazing. Just amazing.

Well, shall we get on with the inspection?

Wait. I want to hear a little more.

Bilko works so pretty.

All right, all right.

It's me. Okay, I see him. All the money you got. A pair of ladies.

Queens. So good.

I got their husbands.

Kings.

No wonder I can't win with a tape recorder calming in my ear. Can't we

down? Really, Mullen, you get so touchy when you lose. All right, Goldman, turn

it down just a little. All right, here we go.

Handy up, dollar empty. I

don't know.

Nobody can work that bad.

Can't you do anything, Goldman? You turned the wrong knob.

There. That's much better.

But it's not good enough.

idea of mine, sir.

Stereophonic camouflage.

Yes, sir, it's a military decoy. You see, we pipe it into the enemy lines.

think we're over here, but actually we're over there.

It certainly is. I thought you were working. Oh, did you hear that, fellows?

fooled them. It's a success.

Oh, sir, how soon can we show it to the Pentagon?

Oh, in about a year. That's how long you'll be in the guardhouse.

Is that a military experiment, sir?

Experiment? I'll tell you what it is.

It's goofing off in high five.

I think I know the kind of discipline these men understand.

You're right, Lieutenant.

Be rough on us. We deserve it. Take away our multi -privileges for the weekend.

Wilco, by the time I'm through with you and your platoon, latrine duty's going

to seem like a furlough. I don't want to hear what you're going to do,

Lieutenant. I'd rather be surprised.

Okay, Wilco.

First, you're going out to the drill field with full field equipment and

till you can't walk anymore.

And when you can't walk anymore, you'll crawl over the obstacle course. And

that'll leave you the rest of the weekend free.

Free, sir?

Yes, free. To pick up every piece of trash on the entire post. And you can

with that one right there.

What's that?

That one right there, sir. I'll start with that one.

Sarge, that Lieutenant Blake is for the barge. What do you want from me? I

thought I had it better when I was a prisoner of war.

Hey, Sarge. How are we going to get rid of this guy, Blake? What do you want

from me? I'm sore all over. Hey, Sarge. I got an idea.

How about a hunger strike? We don't touch food and water until he lets up on

How about that, sir?

That's not a bad idea. We'll put it to a vote. All those in favor of a hunger

strike, say aye. Aye.

I surrender.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.

Bill Cope, I'll need a jeep immediately.

A jeep, sir, at this time of the night, sir. Please, sir, don't do it. Don't do

what? Don't chase us around the obstacle course, sir. What are you talking

about? I want you to drive me to the airport. I've got to catch a plane.

A plane, sir? Yes, for Germany. I've been transferred overseas.

Thank you for repeating that, sir. My heart was beating so loudly. I couldn't

hear what you said.

I'm being transferred to Germany, Bilko. I'm leaving Camp Fremont. Keep it! Keep

it! Keep it!

Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Keep it!

Keep it!

Keep it!

to see me go, but don't think you're in for a good time, Bilko.

I've written complete instructions for whatever officer is to replace me, so

you're not going to get away with a thing. No, sir. Well, I've got to get to

airport. Don't ask. Why are you standing there, Lieutenant? I'll get you in a

minute. Hurry up!

Thank you, Bilko.

Well, goodbye.

Hiya. Goodbye, sir.

Now, sir?

Now, now. Hey!

Hey! Hey!

That's the war result. All right.

Pick it up. Come on, get some sleep tomorrow.

Bingo starts early in the morning. Get me to my room.

Oh, boy. I thought we'd never see him.

Take it easy, Sarge. All right, just relax.

Oh, here we go. Ah, happy days are here again.

Okay, set your alarm clock for lunch or dinner, Sarge. Make it for dinner. We

might as well enjoy this while we can.

Why, what do you mean?

This freedom is just temporary.

And another week, the new officer comes, he reads Bilko's confidential, and it's

back to the chain gang.

Yeah, I guess you're right, Sarge. Maybe the next officer we get will be a nice,

sweet guy.

Those are the very words that Dr.

Frankenstein used, and then the monster walked in.

There's got to be a way.

Wouldn't it be nice if they let us pick our own officer?

Stop dreaming, Hench. The guy we want is not wearing bars. He's behind bars.

Unless?

Unless?

Unless we make our own officer.

Of course. We believe it's a chance too long. That's what we need. A loyal,

upstanding officer who will do anything we want him to do.

That's crazy, Ernie. Where would we find a man like that? In my platoon.

Sleeping in those barracks is our next officer. Come on. The talent search is

on.

Fender, Fender, wake up. Wake up. What? What? Who is it? It's all right. It's

me, Ernie.

Sam, you've got to do me a favor. You've got a good handwriting.

Will you forge the colonel's name on a three -day pass for me?

Are you nuts? What do you think I am, a crook? Shh, all right. Take his name off

of this. All right, go back to sleep.

Zimmerman, Zimmerman, wake up.

What's the matter? Is he back from Germany? No, no, take it easy.

Look, Zimmerman, first thing tomorrow morning, I want you to take the

staff car, go into town to a used car deal and see what you can get for the

Will you do that for me?

Get out of here. I'm not going to be a car thief.

You're not going to be an officer either. Take his name off the list.

Sergeant, that's two down.

Don't think it doesn't hurt to find two honest men in the platoon.

Mullen. Mullen, wake up. Wake up.

What do you want, Sarge? Mullen, you've got to help me out.

I've got a case full of hot watches. I want you to hide them in your

You're in for half the take. How about it? You're barking up the wrong tree,

Sarge. I don't go up for that kind of stuff.

It shows you how wrong you can be. Here's my word of bet on. It shows you

can't go by a dishonest face. I want to sleep. No, no, no. Take it

easy, Paparello.

Look, you've got to help me out of a jam.

There's a letter on the colonel's desk. I want you to rip it open and see what's

in the letter. Will you do that?

Crazy, Sarge. Forget it, Dino. I'll steam it open.

My boy.

You want to hide them in my footlocker, Sarge? Hide what? The hot watches.

After I take the colonel's car to the used car dealer, I can forge a signature

on the passes.

Gentlemen, this is what I call officer's material.

Tom, did you get the application for officer's training school? I'm sorry,

Sarge. The quota's all filled up. Won't be an opening for a year. A year? A year

without gambling? What am I supposed to live on? My army paint?

Ernie, what are we going to do?

Hey, Sarge, maybe if I forced the colonel's name on the application blank.

What a shame.

Either made a fine officer.

I just got an order. Stand by for inspection.

Leave me alone with inspections. I got my own problems. You better get ready

this one. It's a big brass. General Wheeler. Look, I'm not worried about

Wheeler. I'm worried about Lieutenant Camparelli.

That's what... General Wheeler.

Wait a minute. That's it. A general.

You're going to make me a general, Sarge? No, but General Wheeler's going

help us make you a lieutenant.

No.

Remember that Sergeant Brophy in Okinawa during the war? Yeah. He captured 28

prisoners single -handed. Right. And the general made him a lieutenant right on

the spot. But that was during the war.

So what? It's the same thing. We're at war again. It's us against the army.

There's a general coming. I want everything spick and span.

Gentlemen,

that General Wheeler is about to meet the bravest soldier in peacetime

All right, now. Look alive. There's going to be an inspection of generals

coming. I want everything ship -shaped.

Rock. Come on.

Everything all set?

I got the phony grenade right here. Now it'll go off, but it's only loaded with

blanks. Good. Now you know what to do, Pap. Yeah, don't worry, sir. All right.

And this,

General Wheeler, is our motor platoon.

Sergeant Bilko is in charge. Very clean barracks.

Yes, yes. Well, shall we go on to the supply room? Excuse me, sir. Isn't there

going to be an inspection?

I mean, the men fed up all night getting their equipment oiled up, everything

polished. They bathed, sir.

General is satisfied, and so am I.

And now the supply room... Sir, excuse me, sir. Well, all the men wrote home to

their folks and told them that General Wheeler was going to inspect them

personally, sir. They'll be so disappointed.

Well, in that case, Sergeant, I think I can spare a few minutes. Oh, thank you,

sir. There, sir!

Nice looking outfit.

Thank you, sir. All right, get those chins in. Get those chests up high. What

this, Corporal?

Well, you have a loose grenade there. That could be very dangerous.

Fortunately, I caught... Good heavens! I pulled the pin!

That was mighty quick -thinking, soldier.

Smothering a grenade with your helmet. Congratulations, Paparelli.

Thank you, sir. I'm afraid I owe the army a dollar -eighty for a new helmet.

Listen to him, sir. Worried about army equipment and thinking nothing of

his own life. Sir, would you believe it? A man as brave as this is just an

enlisted man.

This sort of heroism won't go unrewarded. You hear that, Paparelli?

your way up. Private, I'm putting you in for a soldier's medal.

A soldier's medal?

Carry on, men.

Good works.

son.

Sarge, I won a medal.

Oh, shut up. You've just begun to be brave.

I'll make you an officer if it kills you.

There he is, Mr.

Sarge. The keeper of our taste buds.

What's for lunch today, Rupert? You better get out of here, Pucco. The

is due here any minute for an inspection.

Oh, don't worry about it, pal.

Something smells good. What is it? It's cupcakes.

Oh, cupcakes, I can hardly wait. Let's turn off the flames so it'll be done

quicker. You'd better stay away from that, Bilko, or you'll burn up. Oh,

nonsense. Betty Crocker only said the other day cupcakes should be baked at

degrees. 700 degrees? Yes.

And this is our kitchen, General.

Sergeant Ritchick is in charge.

Bilko, what are you doing here? Oh, sir, I was just asking Sergeant Ritchick to

make us a hero sandwich for our hero.

After all, you do get hungry when you risk your life, sir.

You smell something burning.

Yes, so do I.

save his general again, but he let a group of panic -stricken men out of that

blazing inferno.

You just smell like cupcakes burning beneath.

Oh, but so you must remember the diamond bakery fire, sir. That started with

just one lady thing and then poof, the whole building, sir. Are you all right,

General? Yes, thanks to you again.

Vampirelli, that's twice in one day you've saved the general. That kind of

courage is only found in leaders.

Don't you agree, sir? I certainly do.

Colonel Hall?

I want you to add something to that medal recommendation.

Steady, Dino, steady.

I want Paparelli to have a soldier's medal with a note -fleet cluster.

Shall we get on with the inspection, sir? Are you sure you want to go on,

think I've had enough for one day. We'll continue in the morning. Fine. As long

as you and Mrs. Wheeler are staying with us all week, we have plenty of time.

Can we give up, Sarge?

Nonsense. Paparelli has just begun to be brave. But, Sergeant, what...

I broke loose, came down from the hills, and we followed him into this room.

Don't scream, lady. The first thing he'll do is go for your throat. Well,

should we do?

Fortunately, Papperelli here was raised in mad bobcat country.

If you'll all tiptoe out of the room and just leave me alone with this mad

bobcat. Let's do that.

What's that?

Two eyes under the bed. I take big steps.

Bobcat loose in the general's room. A man, Bobcat? Call the MPs. Get some men

with guns. No need for that, Colonel.

Paparelli's in there.

Yes, sir. Good heavens, it's over. He's got him.

Paparelli's got him.

I've got him, sir. He was perched on top of the bureau. As soon as you got up

for your breakfast, he was going to have his.

He must be alive. There's a man, Bobcat loose. All right. All right, Corporal.

This Bobcat didn't figure out Paparelli. Here. What a wild one. Would you ladies

like to take a little look? No.

It's the first time for you. He's been saving mine all day.

Sir, I don't feel so wrong about this. A cow like me outranks this gallant

youth. Well, you're not going to outrank him anymore, Sergeant.

Paparelli, in view of your heroism, I'm going to say to it that you get a

commission. But, sir, this is peacetime.

He has to be a specialist. But, sir, excuse me, he is. You see, down at the

motor pool, we call Paparelli the Italian Henry Ford, sir.

Then that's it. From now on... He's a warrant officer in charge of the motor

pool. Oh, thank you, sir. And I assure you, with Warrant Officer Paparelli at

our head, you'll see a new motor pool. Come along, Dino. I mean, Warrant

Paparelli.

I'm sorry.

Here we are, and the lucky number is...

Fifteen blacks, the house wins again.

What's going on here?

We're playing roulette, sir.

Roulette? Put two dollars on the block for me.

Andrew, Andrew, we've got to get some of this officer's money.

How'd things go at the staff meeting, Dino? We're pulling a surprise

tomorrow at noon.

At noon? I have my bingo game at noon.

Oh, use the gymnasium. I reserved it for Calisthenics.

If I had more officers like this, I'd be a rich man.

Here we go. Round and round and round. You're betting on the black, sir. Bill,

we'll all be rooting for you because there's very few officers as kind and as

gentle to the men as you are, sir. And it's number seven, red. The house wins

again. George, could you give me five on the cuff?

What was that, stranger? I don't believe you.

Okay, I'll go back to the officer's cup. Maybe I can get a cue from Captain

Barker. You do that, and here we go. It can't always be me, man. Make your bets.

Sometimes you win. Don't always think the house wins because we go round and

round and round and round, and it's number five. You're all losers.

Here's brass coming. It must be Paparelli who made it quick. Touchdown!

Would you like to make a little bet, sir? All proceeds go to charity. The old

soldier's home.

Luckily, this old soldier didn't stay at home.

He caught you red -handed.

Look at all these gambling tables.

It looks like it's a strip at Las Vegas.

Hey, sir!

I've got to go!

Turn the horn!

What's going on here? Family?

Under your very nose, Mr.

Paparelli. I want you to confiscate all this damning equipment and report to my

office first thing in the morning. Yes, sir.

Sarge, I'm scared.

What are you scared about? He'll have you in his office tomorrow morning.

chew you out. Then you come here and chew me out. And we get all through

each other out. The game will be on again.

Good night, warrant officer Paparelli. Good night, Sarge.

Paparelli, I'm shocked at the motor platoon since you became their officer.

motor pool looks like the old car graveyard. The only wheel turning on

is Bilko's roulette wheel.

I'm surprised at you, Paparelli. You're not one of Bilko's stooges anymore.

You're an officer.

Yes, sir, an officer.

And a gentleman.

And a gentleman, sir.

Do you know what an officer is, Paparelli?

He's a leader.

He's an inspiration to his men. He's a guiding force that his men look up to

respect and honor.

Yes, sir, respect and honor. And to win that respect, you've got to rule them

with an iron hand.

You've got to teach them discipline.

Iron hand, discipline.

Now what are you going to be, Paparelli? Pudding in Bilko's hands or the Rock of

Authority? I'm going to be the Rock, sir. I'm going to be the Rock.

Hey, Sarge, what do you think got into him?

The same old story. The minute you give an enlisted man a break, the pigeon

turns into a chicken.

What's the matter, Sergeant? Don't you get up when an officer comes into the

room? Look, Dino, I'm tired. Dino, Dino, it's Mr.

Paparoli, and don't you ever forget it.

Stand on your feet.

Look at this barrack.

It's a pigsty.

Hello, Dino.

The game, Sergeant, will go on until I reach the top, the Pentagon.

And don't you ever forget it. I want to see action. I want to see everybody

moving.

He slipped. He slipped his Italian wig.

Little rat. How about

that, huh?

Paparelli in the Pentagon.

The word gets out of this, the Russians become eight to five favorites.

Maybe he'll make a good officer. Are you out of your mind? Do you know what it

takes to make a really good officer?

Years of training, military academies, field experience, leadership.

What a Paparelli's qualification.

He saved the man from a burning cupcake.

How?

Paparelli wants to be an officer. He likes to mingle with officers.

I'll see that he mingles until he gets mangled.

How long is General Wheeler and his wife going to be here?

Tonight's the last night. Tonight?

We've got to work this. Rocco, take down an invitation.

Warrant Officer Dino Paparelli.

Yes, sir.

You are cordially invited to a farewell masquerade party I'm giving General and

Mrs. Wheeler at my home tonight at 11 o 'clock.

Please, come in costume.

And above all, keep this top, top secret as it is a surprise party.

Sincerely yours, Colonel Jartigo.

A surprise party?

What I imagine everybody will be surprised when Paparelli sneaks into the

Colonel's home at 11 o 'clock in his pajamas.

In his pajamas? What makes you think of coming in his pajamas?

Costume party, isn't it? He has no costume, but he will have in a short

when he receives a gift from his grateful platoon.

A gift?

My Chinese Mandarin pajamas.

Get them out of the locker and have Ben to shorten his sleeves. And Ronald, see

that his bunk is ready. I have an idea he'll be back with us tonight.

I think I'll turn in, too. What time do you think Osmonds will come back from

their meeting? You never can tell about them.

I've left the door unlocked, and here's some food for sandwiches in case they're

hungry, and some cold beer.

Well, I'll see you in the morning, Nell. Good night. Good night, dear.

Sleep well.

Have some beer.

What on earth are you doing, Paparelli? What's he doing with my wife in his

pajamas? General, you weren't supposed to know.

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you.

What's going on here?

I don't know. He broke into my room in his pajamas.

Impeach! Impeach!

So we just have to be passing by. Is there anything wrong?

He's in pajamas.

They're all in pajamas.

Sergeant, take this man to the guardhouse.

is going to be a court -martial tomorrow.

Excuse me, sir, do you think that's advisable? I mean, the scandal, the

talking, you know, the genres, the beer.

But I was invited.

Shut up! Anything you say will produce against you. You're right about the

-martial, but I can't let this man go unpunished. Of course not.

Conduct on becoming an officer. By George, I wish he was an enlisted man in

platoon. I'd know how to deal with him, sir. You're right, Sergeant.

I made him a warrant officer on the spot, and I can break him on the spot.

was invited. Shut up!

Get him out of here, Belko, before the general breaks me on the spot.

for your trouble?

And I trust you'll be discreet, sir. You can depend upon it.

Want some coffee, sir?

Don't ask. Just pour.

Well, the general and his wife have gone. They leave today?

Last night. Last night.

Uh -oh. What?

Come in!

Private Paparelli reporting for punishment.

Well, I should think so. Do you realize what you did last night, Paparelli?

No, Sarge. All I know is the colonel and the general are a bunch of party

poopers. What are you going to do to me, Sarge? I'll tell you what I'm going to

do. I'm going to welcome you back to the platoon. It's good to have you with us

again. It's good to be back again, Sarge. Only promise me one thing. What's

that? You'll never make me an officer again.

Fairly, I won't even make you a PFC.

Now get out of here.

Sarge,

the bad news just arrived.

The new lieutenant?

Yeah, fresh from OCS.

He gave three guys KP just on his way over from the station.

Here we go again.

Let's not panic.

Dino! Bring back my Chinese pajamas. I'm going to need them.

How big was this guy?

He was taller than you are. Better hang around, Fender. I want you to let out

the sleeves.

Rocco, take down an invitation.

My dear Lieutenant, welcome to Camp Femant.

Would you join us in a surprise bikini party I'm giving my wife at my home?

Also seen in tonight's cast were John Alexander as General Wheeler, Madeline

Clive as Mrs. Wheeler, David Metcalf as Lieutenant Blake, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs.

Hall, and Joe E. Ross as Sergeant Ritzing.