All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e24 Bilkos Ape Man

DING!

They look worse to me on Monday morning.

Thanks a lot, Sarge. You ain't exactly
no oil painting yourself.

Quiet, mullet. I don't want you to tell
Castro all the slobs.

Zimmerman! Goverman! No.

Goverman!

Goverman! Did you hear your name? What's
the matter with you?

Sarge, I got a stomachache. It hurts in
here.

In here? How far in? About three feet?
Four feet?

Stop gouging yourself a wound right in
there.

And, uh... Yep.

Forbes! No.

Who's Forbes?

New man, came in Saturday. New man?

Forbes. Hey, how's Forbes?

Hey, this is a large one.

Welcome to the outfit, Forbes. I think
you'll like it here. If you play ball

with us, we'll play ball with you. We
work hard, but we take time for little

pleasures. You'll find there's always
time for a friendly game of poker, 21

roulette, off -track betting.

Oh,

this is going to be a problem.

What's that?

Don't you see it? It's obvious.

Chest, wide shoulders, clean uniform.

He stands out in this platoon like a
healthy thumb.

What's the problem?

The problem? I can't have them lusting
up my outfit.

Suppose there's a full inspection.

They come in, they see Fender, Doberman,
Fleishman, and in the middle of them, a

human being.

That's real bad. I've got to protect
them.

They're nothing much, but I've got to...
Take that jacket off. Come on. Let's

see what we can do with you. We've got
to casual you up a little. You know what

I mean? You don't want to be... Oh, my
trouble. He's got muscles yet, too.

No, then don't go bucking for...
Let's... Doberman.

Give me that effect. Push it out. Push
it out.

All right. Pass it back the line.

It doesn't have to be so neat. What do
you want to be?

That's much better. All right, back in
line.

Hey, Sarge, you're going to finish the
wrong call. It's almost time for chow.

Chow? Thought you had a stomachache.

I think it was hunger pain.

This? This!

You really worried about Forbes, then?
Not really. Two weeks in a motor pool,

he'll look like a tall dog.

Colonel Hall wants to see you in his
office right away.

Colonel wants to see me? Sounds like
trouble.

Hey, was there any gambling in the
barracks while I was away? How could

be? You beat him out of every cent
before you left. Hey, Sarge, maybe he

out about your Jefferson Davis Day
raffle. What was wrong with it? It was

legitimate. I gave a $100 dollar prize.

Yeah, but you paid off in Confederate
money.

That was weeks ago. What does he want
now?

Look, Ernie, it's just an outside
chance, but maybe it has something to do

the Army.

The Army, of course. I keep forgetting
about the Army.

I'll get right to the point. There's a
new man in your army. outfit named

Forbes. Have you seen him yet? Oh, yes,
sir. Good, basic soldier material, sir.

I'll whip him into shape.

No, Bilko, you've got it wrong. He's
going to whip you into shape. You and

platoon of rambling wrecks.

Oh, sir, I'll admit they're not
picturesque, but... But nothing, Bilko.

They're in terrible condition.

I want them to go into training.

Regular hours. Early to bed.

Early to rise.

Exercise. The works. Oh, sir, they get
plenty of exercise, sir. Bilko, I don't

call bending over to pick up dice
exercise.

Quiet, Bilko.

Forbes was a physical training
instructor in civilian life. That's why

assigned him to your platoon.

But, sir, what was I to... See that he
gets your full cooperation.

There still may be time to save
Doberman.

Save Doberman? Well, you know as well as
I do, he's only 500 calories away from

exploding.

Maybe a month of clean life will put you
in condition when we go on Bivouac.

Midlack, sir? I didn't expect you to
understand.

It's a military term.

Oh, my colonel is judging me.

No, my sergeant. I was never more
serious. The new regime starts tomorrow

morning at 6 a .m. 6 a .m., sir? Well,
even in the New Guinea campaign... You

heard me, Bilko. 6 a .m. But, sir, my
eye doctor has warned me about the

sun. 6 a .m., Bilko. That's an order.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

exercises. Let's go now. Come on here.

Come on. Let's fall in. Let's go.

Let's go. 6 a .m.

Let's go. Come on.

Sergeant Bill called. 6 a .m.

I'm sorry, Sergeant. Let's go.

Come on, man. Let's fall in here. Let's
go.

Where is he? Where is he? What are you
doing, Forbes?

You better fall in, Sarge. It's
Colonel's orders. Let's have some

Calisthenics. Let's go.

start off this morning with some deep
breathing exercises.

Let's get some of that fresh morning
air.

Come on. Way up on your toes and deep
breathe.

And again.

That's good.

All right, men. Now let's have some deep
knee bends. All right. Arms up.

Stretch. And one.

Elbows up.

Double time.

Pause.

Hey,

you know, Berto's the only guy that
don't feel good. Yeah, you know.

Well, Sarge, what'd the doctor say?

Bad news.

I'm gonna live.

Hey, Sarge, don't you think that Forbes
got a better physique than any of these

guys? Why do you bother me? What do you
want?

Besides, Dino and I were having an
argument. Yeah, a movie studio was

for a new Tarzan.

They're offering a $100 ,000 contract.
And I said that Forbes got these... Will

you please stop bothering me about
Forbes and his muscles, okay?

Forbes.

Sarge, Sarge. What do you got against
Forbes? Nothing. He's going to be out of

here in a few days. This is a solemn
promise I made to my aching muscles. I

don't need this.

$100 ,000.

Who's looking for a new Tarzan? Who?

That's a production.

Forbes would be perfect for this.

Where is he?

Where's the body beautiful? He's working
out in the gym right now. Get him here

on the double. Move it.

Look. Ernie, do you really think that
Forbes is... I'll talk to you in my

I don't want anybody stealing my idea.

Those movie companies make 2 ,000 or 3
,000 pictures a year. Forbes will be

famous all over the world. Yeah, but
Ernie, how do you know we can act?

What act? You don't have to act. All you
have to learn how to do is stab animals

and say two lines.

Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.

What's good for you? Me, rich.

Hey, Sarge, how do we go about all this?

Take a letter.

Sarles' Productions Incorporated. Yes,
Sarge.

Hold it. Come in.

Do you want to see me, Sergeant? There
he is. Is he beautiful, boys? I ask you.

Is he beautiful?

He sure is. Boy, I could go for you
myself if I was a girl or a gorilla.

here.

I'll be right on the line.

How would you like to be the new movie
Tarzan?

Me? Tarzan? See that? He knows the part
already.

Big companies are making a national wide
search for a new Tarzan. I happen to

think you've got talent enough to do it.
Now, would you like to make a screen

test this weekend?

Does it have to be this weekend?

Why, you got a date? Break it. This is
more important.

It's not a date, Sarge. I entered the
Mr. Universe contest at Santa Monica

this Saturday.

Mr. Universe?

Yeah, that's why I was over at the gym
working out on the weights. That's

perfect. That's even better. As Forbes,
he's a nobody.

But as Mr. Universe, we've got a selling
point.

Wait a minute, Sarge. Look, I've seen
some of the competition.

I don't even think I'm going to win.

Really? Let me worry about that. Get
back to the gym and do your set -up

exercises. Be careful. Wear a robe. I
don't want you catching a chill. Move

Stay in shape now.

Look, Ernie, are you going to fix the
contest?

Hanch, would I do anything underhanded?
Yes.

Then stop asking foolish questions.

Next thing, you've got to get him one of
those tight -fitting loincloths. Let

that skin think that they're wet.

Fender, I've never massaged one since
you, Fender.

Skin? Don't you get it? There's going to
be movie scouts at the Mr. Universe

contest, right?

And if the winner happens to be dressed
like Tarzan, would that hurt us?

Would it? Would it hurt us? What do you
want, Bill? Good boy, look. Here's what

I want you to do. Can you make me a
tight -fitting loincloth to fit Forbes?

Sure. What's a loincloth?

It's a male bikini. You know, the thing
that Tarzan wears in the movies? Oh,

yeah. Only I want this made out of
leopard skin.

Leopard skin? Yes. Why not mink? Are you
nuts?

Tarzan is brave. He ain't rich. You
don't find mink in the jungle. You don't

find leopards in the army either.

Leopard skin on this post.

Somebody's got a leopard skin. I've seen
it. It's in my...

Emma Ritzick. Emma Ritzick. Sarge, she
may be a beast, but she ain't got spots.

That old Levitskin coach she's got, she
must be 15 years old. She'll be able to

tear it up. You make a loincloth. Yeah,
but what makes you think she's going to

give it to you? You don't know Emma like
I do. She's got a heart bigger than her

mouth.

Emma, I've got to hand it to you. This
is a perfect finish to a lousy meal.

A lousy cup of coffee.

take your slippers and your newspaper,
go into the bedroom and drop dead.

Why, did you cry your eyes out? Try me.
Go ahead, just try me. Oh, there's

somebody at the door.

Wouldn't you know it.

Company. Just when we have a chance for
a nice, quiet evening at home.

Come in. Ah, Rupert. And Emma, how are
you? What do you want, Bilko? We're

helping out with a worthy charity. You
see, we're collecting clothes for the

needy. Leave me alone, Bilko. Oh,
surely, Emma, you have an old dress you

spare? Oh, sure I have an old dress, but
I can't spare it.

Say, Bilko, I got a pair of old slacks
you could have.

Say, that's very generous of you,
Rupert. Well, I hope you don't mind

rip in one leg. That's where Emma bit
me. Well, we'll take that.

Emma, safely you can spare some old coat
or something like that. Are you

kidding? And tell me, who are you
collecting this for?

The Salvation Army.

Well, what a coincidence.

That's where I buy my clothes.

Everybody knows you're one of the ten
best, best women in camp.

Ha, that's a laugh. Do you want to see
my fabulous wardrobe? Do you want to see

what I've got to show after 15 years of
married life?

make me generous and never need to show
all the clothes that you're talking

about. There, that's my fabulous
wardrobe. Oh, surely you can spare this

old coat. Don't be silly. Who are you
kidding? What will I have to keep me

in the winter?

Antifreeze? Oh, Antifreeze.

After the anniversary present that
Rupert is going to give you. What? Oh, I

and gave away the secret.

What do you mean? Rupert's going to get
me a new coat?

Thank you very much, Steve. We'll see
that you get your receipt the first of

week.

Where'd he go? Oh, Rupert, I'm sorry I
yelled at you before. You're really very

sweet. What are you talking about?

Never mind.

I can wait till next week.

Emma, if I had known it happened years
ago, I'd swear you were losing your

Let me see. Got to give a little dip
here, a little carelessness.

That's what I want. Now, let me see.

Give me the hairspray. Oh, hairspray.
Now, look, this is for your own sake

All righty, comb.

A little dip for Rooney. Ah, that's it.

Very good. Now, wait a second.

Eyebrow pencil. Oh, no, not that. Now,
look, I happen to know that Price

Westmore won two hours a day on Buster
Crabbe. Now, let me help you with these

things. A little sweep, a little look of
innocence. Up.

Surprise.

Prize on this side.

Very good.

Very good. Give me the merit. Well, what
do you think?

Well, maybe the contest winner will take
me out to dance.

Excuse me.

The dame, the one who's supposed to
paint when Forbes is announced, she's

outside. Good.

All right, hence, where is she?

Over here, miss.

Perfect. Perfect.

Wide -eyed, giddy look.

Miss, do you know what she's supposed to
do for your $5? I think so. You mean

you think so? It's got to be better than
that. This is very important to me.

We'd better rehearse this. Now, look.

When Chuck Forbes comes out on the ramp,
I want you to scream and then to faint.

You understand?

We better rephrase it once. The
announcer will say, in our next entry,

Forbes!

I said Forbes, not Frankenstein. I want
the screen to be drawn out, you know,

full of desire, ecstasy. You understand?
Let's try it.

to me. We're going to be on television.
All your friends will see you.

Have you ever been on television before?

You're not going to be nervous, are you?
Nope.

Good, good.

Now look, maybe this will help you.

Here. This is for you. Oh, thank you,
sir. Wait a minute. We didn't do

Did you tell her what this is? Oh, look.

This may help you. Think of this
mentally. When Chuck's Forbes comes out,

you scream and faint, visualize this in
your mind.

This guy is six foot two, and he is
handsome like a Greek god.

He tapers down to practically nothing in
the waist.

Broad shoulder and a deep chest.

Rippling muscles.

A Latin lover type of battle.

Oh, that's perfect. Hey, Ernie. What?
This thing really fainted. Are you

kidding?

What is this, a real nut? Get her out of
here. All right.

Ah,

beautiful. I feel sorry for the
competition. Don't waste your sympathy.

What do you mean? Take a look at the
competition. They just came in.

Is that important to you? You think
that's manly, big, ugly muscles?

Ernie, Bob, we're in trouble.

All right. He stands amongst them. He
looks like Mr.

Malnutrition.

I have a lot of fellas in the contest. I
suppose you know all the rules.

Each contestant must speak at least
three foreign languages.

I suppose you know that, didn't you?

Oh, yes. Any three languages at all.

Everybody dressed?

Yeah, what's up?

One of the judges wants to take a
picture before the contest begins.

This way, ma 'am.

Well, this is Ursula Thorndike, editor
of Body Health magazine.

Hello, boys. This will only take a
moment. I just flew in from New York,

want to get a nice group picture for my
magazine.

Now, gather in close. Oh, excuse me,
Miss Thorndike. May I offer my

I'm used to this. I've done so many of
this for the army, you see. If a group

picture doesn't have the proper
dimensions, you've lost the whole

better be out, because you've taken...
Oh, let me pose them for you. Will you

get down on your knees and give me a
determination pose? Down on your knees.

Now, face this way so we get a good
profile.

And you look up and turn. And you put
your name for it. Right in there. Right

there. Now, you, will you turn your
back? I'm giving you a look over the

shoulder.

That's a good one. There you are. Just a
minute, if you don't mind. I'd like to

do this myself.

Get up, boys. Get up. Now move in
closer.

Oh, skinny, you get at the end.

Oh,

nice.

Now run out with the picture, please.

Thanks, Alice. Thank you, boys. It was
splendid.

I'll see you all later. Oh, excuse me a
moment, Miss Stornike. Yes? As a devoted

reader of your magazine, may I ask you a
personal question, please? Well, what

is it? What is the circulation of your
magazine?

We have about 15 ,000 readers.

15 ,000. Oh, that's disgraceful.

May I ask you another personal question?

Yes. And please listen to this question
very intently.

How would you like to have a
circulation?

Of two million.

Two million? But where would they come
from?

Same place this Forbes comes from. The
army.

The army?

Yes. I can personally guarantee you,
should a soldier win this contest, a

grateful Pentagon would make your
magazine required reading.

What? What? Huh?

I see. Now, let me understand this. In
other words, you want me to help your

to win.

That's right, Osella. Oh, those eyes and
that hair. Who does your hair, my dear?

Now, just a minute, Sergeant.

And for this favor, you will guarantee
me a circulation of two million.

I certainly do, my dear. And what do you
say?

Well, what can I say, Sergeant? Say it.
Say it.

Very well.

Police! Yes,

ma 'am? trying to bribe me by saying to
him that I made his man Forbes the

winner. I'm not giving out to tell you
who I am. I'm from the FBI. I was just

giving out the honesty test. And may I
say, she's as honest as she is lovely.

It's all right. He's lying. It was an
out -and -out bribe. What are you

about? What?

Did it hurt when they dropped you? Well,
fortunately, my fall was broken by the

flaw. Why don't we give up and go back
to camp? No.

He's still going to be the new Tarzan.

But he's been disqualified.

It's not a lot, but it'll renew
interest. We'll start a publicity stunt,

gimmick. Sarge. What?

I got an idea.

Who is the guy playing Tarzan in the
movies now? Gordon Scott.

Okay. Why don't we take Forbes to
Hollywood? Let him pick a fight with

Scott in some public place, and boom,
we're in the headlines.

Not bad.

But not good enough. We've got to have
him fight an animal. An animal? Yes, the

most ferocious animal there is, a
gorilla.

But Ernie, you'll get killed.

Not with this gorilla. This gorilla
won't hide or fly.

Who's it going to be? Who else?

Doberman.

What's the matter, dear?

My stomach feels upset.

Must have been that Welsh rabbit we had
for dinner.

You look like you've just seen a ghost.
I wish I had.

What do you mean?

I think I just saw a gorilla.

Black rabbits, gophers, coyotes, maybe
an occasional mountain lion.

How about an occasional gorilla?

The cradle is pulling my leg.

Barker, look over there about a mile
away near that clump of trees.

Yes, sir.

What do you see?

Nothing, sir.

Are you sure?

I don't see anything, sir.

Oh, that's a relief.

Barker, before I forget it, take a memo.

Yes, sir. Miss Sergeant Ritzig.

Under no circumstances is Welsh rare of
it to be served at Camp Fremont.

I don't care what you say, Parker.

I could have sworn I saw a gorilla
through these binoculars. Sir, you must

overtired. It might have been an optical
illusion.

Magnificently. I'll take a look.

Quick, sir, the phone. The phone! Sir!

Sir! Sir!

What's he, Colonel?

I was just talking to the gorilla. I
mean, I was giving orders.

Is there anything I can do to help? Sir,
I have a suggestion.

Why don't you invite... The general will
stay here at command post so while you

personally lead the men into the field.
You go ahead, John. I'd be glad to help

out. Lean on, Colonel Courageous. Your
men would follow you anywhere, sir.

And you can believe me, General, the
community can rest in peace because I

promise you by tomorrow morning that
gorilla will be hanging in the colonel's

trophy room.

Well, Forbes, I'm sorry it didn't work
out, but I think you'd have made a great

tossing. Oh, that's all right. Keep in
shape, kid. We'll think of something

else.

Yeah, Bilko, you've got to sign this.

Sign what?

This is an application for a bank loan
for $300, and you're the co -maker, and

you've got to sign right here. You must
be out of your mind, Robert. I quit

signing things the minute I signed my
enlistment papers.

Yeah, but you got me into this.

$300? What's that for?

For the new coat that you promised Emma
that I would buy her. Oh, now, will you

just tell her I was drinking, I was out
of my mind, I didn't know what I was

saying, and she'll forget the whole
thing. You think she'll believe that? Of

course she will. Good.

Then you tell her. Tell her what I...
She's here. Bilko, I'm sick and tired of

having you interfere in my private life.
Now, you came to my house and

personally ruined a brand new...

Also seen in tonight's cast were Kenneth
Vaughn as Forbes, Joey Ross as Sergeant

Ritzig, Beatrice Ponds as Mrs. Ritzig,
Edith King as Ursula Thorndyke, John

Alexander as General Alexander, Nick
Saunders as Captain Parker, Fred Herrick

the Hunter, and Hope Sandsbury as Mrs.
Hall.