All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e22 Bilkos Sharpshooter

Bullseye.

Bullseye.

Bullseye. Wow, did you see that?

Nine out of ten bullseyes. You ever see
so much talent in one figure?

Rachel, Pete.

Nine out of ten. I just can't seem to
get started today. Anyone want to shoot

against the champ? His figure's a lot
better weather today.

Here's a chance for you to pick up some
money. Ah, that's a sucker bet, Ritzig.

You already cleaned out the platoon.
Why, nobody can beat Pete Masters and

know it. What a shame. All these
bullseyes are going to waste.

Go ahead and shoot, champ. Oh, did I hit
your arm, champ?

Did I jiggle your eyeball?

No, sir. I'm okay.

Bullseye!

Heat fire!

All right, catch those targets and get
them up again.

Okay, okay.

Target pit duty, huh? I ain't come down
for a motor pool, Sergeant.

You're the one who got us down here,
Sarge. Sure, for a crap game.

We'll figure the army can use us for
their own selfish purposes.

That's army justice.

They catch in the target pits to make it
work in a pit. No, pal.

It's not justice. It's revenge.

This is the only way the Colonel can get
me in front of a firing squad legally.

All right, pal. No more for now. Move
it. Move it. Okay, Sarge.

5 ,000 rounds of ammunition being fired
every minute.

One lucky bullet could free us all.

I heard that, pal. I heard that, pal.
I'm always thinking.

I got friends on the firing line, too,
pal.

Bullseye! Doesn't Pete Masters ever
miss?

Never. Ritzig is cleaning up on vets
with Masters. Like the luck I'm in? Once

every ten years, a Rubenstein of the
rifle comes along and he winds up in

Ritzig's platoon.

Why don't you buy him from Ritzig,
Sarge? I tried. I offered him mule,

and paparelli.

Sell us?

Flesh and blood?

What else?

What, do you think I'm going to give him
cash?

All right, Sergeant Ritzig, move your
men out.

Can't he take a couple more shots? He's
hot today, Captain. I'm sorry, your time

is up. Sergeant Grover has a group of
new recruits who have to learn how to

handle a rifle.

Move your men in, Sergeant Grover.

Yes, Captain. Yes, sir.

Did I tell you the train was out to get
us? What do you think he did? He ordered

new recruits on the firing line.

All right, get those targets up.

Why? Who's going to hit them?

Hey, hey, bullseye.

You got to watch yourself, Mullen. It's
the lucky ones you got to worry about.

Bullseye. Sarge, two in a row.

That jerk is probably lucky. Probably
aiming at another target.

Bullseye. Again?

Bullseye. Sarge, this guy isn't lucky.

Hey, maybe we are.

Bullseye. Can it be? Can it be?

Bullseye! Bullseye!

Bullseye! Yeah, I heard. Eight out of
eight.

Nine out of nine.

One more. One more and we got the new
champion.

Come on, baby.

Bullseye!

Ten out of ten. Yeah!

I found him. I found him. I'll make a
fortune from Ritzing alone.

Who is it, sir? I don't know. Maybe he
out -exhausted Wyatt.

Why don't you go look and see?

It's the last thing we do. We don't want
this all over the camp. Mullen, turn in

our phone and report. Don't let... Let
me get out of here. Where are you going?

I'm going to sneak around the firing
range and claim our fortune.

Mullen, what number was he firing from?
Number five. Five is the lucky number.

Little Phoebe. Look out.

Cease fire!

Just a minute, young man.

a whack replacement, sir. I saw the
fellas coming out to rifle practice and

thought I'd come along and have some
fun. Fun?

This is live ammunition.

You could have killed someone.

Oh, no, sir.

Back in Banjo City, Texas, where I come
from, I'm on the turkey shoot every year

since I've been four years old.

Well, Private Porter, if you want to
amuse yourself, go to a shooting

But right now, we've got soldiers to
train here. Now get back to your office.

Ah, couldn't I shoot a few more rounds?
No, Private Porter.

Say, where are you going with that
rifle?

Oh, it's all right, sir. It's mine.

gave it to me from a sweet 16 party.

Hey, soldier, on the double.

Go fire a target fire.

You ever shoot a gun before?

Yes, sir. Once I had a water pistol for
Christmas.

Well, assume your position and fire when
ready.

Target's out there, soldier.

Yes, sir.

Where? Out there.

Look, come back here.

Oh, I see it.

I think.

Hey,

were you just firing on number five?

Yes, I was.

My boy. My boy, I've waited all my life
for you.

Did you hit the target? Did you hit the
target?

Ten out of ten. My boy, my darling boy.

Do you like the way I shoot? Do I like
the way you shoot?

Does Casey Stanger like the way Mickey
Mantle hits?

What platoon are you in?

Sergeant Grover's. Sergeant Grover.

Did Sergeant Grover ever see you shoot?
Nobody ever did. Nobody ever did.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm finally paying off. Hey, ten out of
ten.

Ten out of ten. You always wear those
glasses?

Only to see.

Only to see.

Well, there he is, the Wizard of Camp
Fremont. What do you want?

Official army business. The radio in the
colonel's car is on the blink. I want

you to lend me one of your geniuses over
to the motor pool to fix it. Fix it

yourself, Bilko. I need every man I got
to set up this radar equipment. Hold the

phone, Irish.

The colonel is using the car himself
this afternoon. You know how he is when

can't tune in Texan jinx. Bilko, this is
a big job. I can't spare an experienced

man. All right, give me one of your new
men. I don't care. How about him?

Oh, Schneider?

Yeah, I could do without him for a
while. Emil, drop what you're doing and

with Sergeant Bilko. Wait a minute.
Emil? Emil Schneider?

Let me out of here. Boy, that was close.
Just a minute, Bill. What's wrong with

you now? You keep your voice down. It's
the last guy in the world I want mad at

me. Wait a minute, Bill. Go watch with
this guy.

All right, Emil, go over to the supply
room and pick up a 300 -volt generator.

Come on, on your toes. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

What's with this guy? Look, it isn't his
fault, really. He didn't mean to blow

up the building.

Blow up the building? Look, it was an
accident. I saw it on a civilian record

over at personnel. I was looking over
the new replacements. They were

all accidents.

What do you mean, they?

Well, the poor kid has just had bad luck
on every job he's ever been on. What

job? Well, first there was the job in
Milwaukee, the big brewery. He was the

inspector. You know, those big giant
baths, those beer baths? He was supposed

turn off all the spigots. One night he
forgot to turn off one of the spigots.

But what happened?

Can't happen. The next morning, the
night ship was cleaning through the

switches. The phone was left to hear. If
you open the door, it'll flood and

they'll walk you away.

He was responsible for that. It's not
that he can prove it. Same thing

in Denver. What happened in Denver?

What happened in Denver?

In Denver, his job was to turn off the
master switch in a factory. What

The air conditioning factory.

All we did was...

She's like, Monday, got to shut the
factory down for six months till the

when it thawed out. It was an accident.

Is he in the army now?

He'll put him in jail just because he's
a jinx. And I've got this place wired

with high -voltage equipment?

Well, you'd better watch it. Doc, here's
the generator.

Where's the switch? I'll plug it in.
Hurry up!

That was close. When he went for that
switch, my whole life flashed in front

me. Oh, I've got to get out of here.

Ernie, you could use a radio man and a
motor pool.

Sure, a radio man, sure, but not a human
bomb.

I'll make it work, if you want. Look,
over there are some things you can't

a guy with.

I'll build you a color television set.

With stereophonic sound?

That works.

Okay, send it over. I might as well live
with the little time I've got.

What about you and Doberman? What can
this guy, Schneider, shoot?

Tell him, Mullen.

Ten out of ten. I never saw a guy shoot
like that. A perfect score. Okay, we'll

be down for ten. All right, guys.

I'm in for a quarter, son. Oh, there,
Doberman. We've got no children's

Did you get the other one?

I just took the tire off the truck. What
is this? What is this?

Who's letting this boy dirty his golden
fingers? What's wrong with you, Andy? I

just simply told you to wear gloves.

But I can't work with gloves on.

Baby, we don't want you to work. All we
want you to do is shoot the rifle.

Me shoot?

Didn't you? You ever see such modesty?
Me shoot?

It's like an opera singer.

Me sing?

I might as well go and practice.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to
hear that rifle, Randy. If anybody sees

how you shoot, we won't be able to get a
bet done.

I know what you mean, Sarge.

Look,

if anybody asks you...

You can't hit the side of a barn.

I can't hit the side of a barn.

You never held a rifle in your hand
until you got here. I never did.

Oh, is he beautiful and an actor and so
convincing.

Here he comes, Ritzy. All right, look,
here's what I want you to do. You get

of here. When you hear the sound of this
jeep horn, you come in through that

door. Why, Sergeant?

Well, I guess I might as well tell him.
All right?

Look, we're going to trap Sergeant Itzy
into making a bet on a shooting match

between his rifle champion and you.

Shooting match? But, Sarge, I can't hit
the side of a barn.

Come back when you hear this horn. And
don't go that way. Go this way and come

around the back.

Hey,

Pilker, what's the big rush to see me?
Oh, yeah, I wanted to see you. Look, you

tell your men in the kitchen. From now
on, when my men pick up the garbage, I

want the eggshells and the orange peels
separated.

Are you nuts?

Nuts? That's a new regulation.

There'll be two pickups. Orange peels
Wednesdays and Thursdays.

eggshells Fridays and Saturdays. Look,
Bill, go since we'll just leave this car

with garbage. Oh, no.

You take care of your trucks and I'll
take care of my garbage. Yeah, what

garbage are you talking about?

The one you throw away or the one you
save us?

This is all just my cooking. Yes, sir. I
don't want to listen to any more of

this. I'm going back to my kitchen.
Yeah, go ahead. The murderer always

to the scene of the crime.

You've come to be my whole crew and we
want satisfaction. Oh, really? Well, so

do we.

Well, how about our platoons slugging it
off behind the PX? Let me start it,

Sarge.

Here's what we'll do. We'll pick one man
from each platoon and engage in a

scientific game of skill.

What kind of a game?

Well, I don't know. I'm so mad at
anything. You pick it out. All right, I

shooting contest.

Oh, wait!

What do you think? Well, that's me. I
ain't got anybody in my platoon who can

shoot half as good as Masters.

Well, you said today with my name that I
suppose you want to back out now. Oh,

yeah? I'll show you how much I want to
back out. I'll just bet you $273 .25.

Sorry, fellas, but our honor was at
stake. Well, wait a minute.

It's a bet. All right, now, who's going
to shoot for you? I don't know. You got

me so mad, I don't care. Anybody who
walks through that door.

It's a deal. Yeah, it's...

Holy smoke.

It's him.

This little fellow in the glass. Oh,
what are you trying to pull around here?

It's a good plan that I'm outside,
didn't you?

Wait a minute. Look, kid, don't be
nervous. Can you shoot a rifle?

I can't hit the side of a body.

Oh, I've got it where I want it. Hey, do
you want to pay down and shoot later?

I'll show you something.

All right. The match is on. Tomorrow
afternoon, 12 o 'clock on the rifle

Can you shoot good at all, kid?

I never held a rifle before yesterday.

Oh, I'd better get out of here before I
die laughing.

Oh,

what did we get him?

I got a little idea.

Tomorrow afternoon, a certain sergeant
on his post is in for a big surprise.

What?

Bullseye. All right, Bill Carter, make
23 out of 25.

Let's see your man beat that one.

Okay, Richard, get ready for the shock
of your life. What do you mean?

You've been taken, pal. What you thought
was a miserable little sad sack happens

to be one of the best shots in the army.

Here you go for the sum of $273 .25.

Show these amateurs what a perfect score
is like.

Gee, I hope I don't disappoint you,
Sarge. Yeah, I hope you don't disappoint

Don't worry, pal. You just do what you
did yesterday and nobody will be

disappointed. All right, stand back.

A star is born.

You're playing dirty. Somebody pushed
you out. Give him room. Let him shoot.

Come on.

We'll make it 24 out of 25.

Work strong. Go ahead, kid.

Is that a bullseye? He ain't even shot
on his rifle range. What happened? This

pretty easy. Ten out of ten. Yeah, what
happened?

All right, all right. Wait a minute. All
right, kid. You can tell me. They got

the... They paid you to throw the match?
No.

Maybe the smoke is fogging up his
glasses.

No, it's not.

All right, kid. Come on. We'll go for a
tie, and then we'll knock their brains

out in the playoff. Go ahead.

Come on, Bill. Come on. Oh,

boy, did you all spot me.

Let's go for it.

What happened from yesterday to today?
What'd you do? Change the style?

No, I shot the same way yesterday. I
just squeezed the trigger.

It's dangerous.

Good night, Beckman. Why is she laughing
at us? Here we go. All right, break it

up. Hey, look, come here.

Yesterday, you hit 10 out of 10. Today,
you almost killed somebody. What

happened? I never hit the target
yesterday.

I never hit the target in my life. What
are you talking about? I saw the bull's

eyes myself.

It wasn't me, Sergeant. It must have
been somebody else. Excuse me. Are you

finished with this topic? Yes, I am.

You realize I lost a fortune on you and
I don't like to lose money?

Bullseye. Why do you think I had to
transfer to the motorboat?

To change tires?

Bullseye. The way you handle a rifle, I
can do that myself.

Bullseye. That's what I want to hear.
Bullseye.

Bullseye.

She did such in a row.

Miss, do you realize you just hit three
bullseyes in a row?

Why, of course. What else are you
supposed to do?

Yesterday I had 10 out of 10 before they
chased me away.

10 out of 10?

Young lady, are you here again?

I told you yesterday you weren't allowed
on this rifle range. She's not allowed,

sir. We shouldn't be allowed.

Quiet, Bilko.

Private, get back to your job and don't
let me catch you here again.

Yes, sir.

You should know better than to let a
woman shoot a rifle. Who knows what

she could have caused. Yes, sir.

Captain's right. I should never let her
shoot.

I should never have had to shoot for
less than $1 ,000 performance plus 10 %

the grosses. What performance?

Psychicist, state dance, rodeos,
television.

Do you realize I can get rich with a gun
and I don't have to stick anybody up

there? And we can win our money back
from merchants. All right, just for fun.

Thanks, but after that, it's on. Fame
and fortune, I can just see it now.

Buffalo Bilko presents the modern Andy
Oakley. Punch -up, Polly, Porter.

Yeah! Look, wander.

Wander around the right place.

Maybe if I...

Is there anything else, Colonel?

Oh, yes. It seems that Camp Everett in
Texas is requesting a WAC replacement.

Send them anyone we can spare.

Well, there's that new girl, Polly
Porter. She's from Texas. She'd probably

delighted. Good. Have her orders cut and
tell her to get ready to leave in the

morning. Yes, sir. Oh, and by the way,
Corporals, did they ever find out who

shot that water pitcher out of my hand?

No, sir.

Give me another one.

See if they have any bulletproof glass
for my window.

Bulletproof recruits learn how to shoot.
Yes, sir.

news for you. What is it, Edna? You're
being transferred in the morning to Camp

Everett, Texas.

Camp Everett?

Yeah. Well, that's just a hoot and a
holler from Banjo City. Yeah. Don't that

all? Fire! Fire on the set!

Oh, excuse me, girls. Every time I see
your loveliness, I think I'm at a movie

studio. I just can't wait till they
start shooting humans into space.

Oh, come now, Edna. No time for science
fiction chit -chat.

There you are, Miss Porter. Oh, you're
right. You're right, Rocco. The most

beautiful girls in the world do come
from Texas.

Oh, Sargent, you're making me blush. My
compliments to your feeling.

It's like the sunrise coming up over the
oil fields.

There, that piece.

A little token of our esteem.

Just a sample of your glorious home
steak. That's real sweet.

Oh, by the way, Miss Polly, we admire
the way you handled a rifle today.

Yes, and we're going to break an age
-old custom and let a girl in.

Into what?

The Buffalo Bilko Amateur Rifle Shooting
Club. Of course, you'll have to be

vouched for by two sharpshooters. Oh,
we'll vouch for it.

Splendid, you're in. May I introduce two
sharpshooters? This is Bang Bang

Marbella and this is Dead Eye Henshaw.

That's his dead eye right there.

Rifle club, where do you shoot? Old
state fairs, rodeos, television.

You can sign this application blank and
I'll arrange for your bullets and

customs. Gee, I'd love to join.

She'd love to join.

But I'm being shipped out of Camp
Fremont in the morning. Being shipped

Shipped out where?

To Camp Everett in Texas.

Ain't I lucky? No, but you can't do
that. The Rifle Club hasn't got a branch

Texas. Oh, no, I won't let you go. I
won't. I am sorry, Sergeant, but the

makes up the rules, not me.

No, don't you bet on it, Miss Polly. You
know, the Army does change its mind.

Well, General Custard, this looks like
your last stand. Yeah, our fortune is

going back to Texas, and we need it more
than they do. Oh, shut up. I'll stop

her. There must be a way. A way.

Hey, I got an idea.

What? Why don't you marry him?

Hit him, Ernie?

No. You hit him? It's a great idea.

Are you going to marry him? Of course
not, but the colonel's going to think I

am. Give me a ring. Who's got a ring? I
got a high school graduate. That'll do.

Give me, give me. All right, now get out
of here and watch the money -mad fool

go to work.

Come in.

Good afternoon, Colonel, sir.

I wanted my composure paper on you.
Would you hold my money for safekeeping,

sir? Why, is it hot, Belko?

I'm sort of setting it aside, sir. Sort
of a little nest egg. Saving it for a

rainy crap game, Bilbo?

I really like that, sir. I guess she was
right.

She? Oh, darn. That slipped out. It was
supposed to be a secret, sir.

You see, sir, please hold the money. I
have my eyes set on this darling little

bedroom set. It's bird -eyed maple with
little Cupid carvings on the headboard,

sir. Bill Carr, are you going with a
girl?

Oh, yes, sir.

It's all over me. I'll be still my
foolish heart. Why, that's wonderful,

When is the big day going to be?

Pretty soon, sir. I've already picked
out the ring, sir. I wish I could let

touch it.

Well,

Belkow, bedroom set, ring.

Well, it seems to have...

Made a new man out of you. Yes, and I
guess I owe it all to that certain

sir. Oh, yes, sir, and here are my cards
and my dice. I've already burned the

roulette wheel, sir.

Wilco, any girl that can do this to you
must be one in a million. She is, sir.

Who is it?

Oh, she's a whack -on -the -post, sir.
Isn't it wonderful? We can always be

together. What's her name?

Oh, sir, I... I promise that. Oh, now,
come on, Bill.

What's her name? Is that an order, sir?
Yes.

Poopsy. Polly Porter, sir. Polly Porter.

Polly Porter.

Oh, no.

Bill, go on. I'm afraid I have some
disturbing news for you. Your Polly's

sent to Texas.

Oh, when is she coming back, sir? She's
not coming back. It's a permanent

transfer. She's not coming back? You
shipped her out of here, but I have to

sleep on this lovely apartment, sir.

Now, calm yourself.

Thank God, there might as well be my
stable. Wait, Mr.

McGill. Oh, no, not that big.

I'll send someone else to Texas. Yes, I
will. I will.

You'll see. Just wait. Just wait.

Edna, back!

You're going to Texas in the morning in
place of Private Porter.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Will I be invited to the wedding, Mr.
McGill? Sir, on my word, if there's a

wedding, you'll be invited, sir.

I'll be able to join your rifle club
now.

Oh, wonderful.

Hey, look, we're having a rifle shoot on
the rifle race tomorrow at 12 o 'clock.

You be there.

I'll be there, Sergeant.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Two hundred, two fifty, three hundred.
There you are, Rupert. We harked

everything to cover your bet. Okay,
you're right. Now, where's your man?

Here comes my man now.

Say,

Booker, who is she, the hostess? Oh,
she's my man.

Look, you really must have flipped your
fuss.

Yeah? We'll see who's flipped this fuss.
Polly, I want you to meet your

opponent, Pete Matthews. All right,
Ritchie. Best out of 25 shots. You

Ladies first.

That's your pleasure. Okay. Polly, hey,
Polly, come on, pay attention.

Show them, Polly. This is where they get
put in the bow. Come on, honey. Come

on, pay attention. Shoot.

Boy, what a miss.

Polly, Polly, watch. Something in your
eye.

Oh, come on. Pay attention.

Show them what you can do. Shoot.

Hey, where's the scouts of it, buddy?
You're not that real buddy, are you?

up. Come on, shoot.

What do you want to do, break up the
club?

She's tired. She needs a rest. It's
safer that way.

Go ahead and shoot, Pete.

Where'd it go? He missed.

Hey, circle down and shoot straight,
Pete.

See, don't be afraid of being a lady.

Another miss!

Let's call this guy off. I think you're
right. Before someone starts shooting

back, give me the money.

Hey,

what's the matter with you two?

Molly, you want to go to the PX for a
soda?

I'd go anywhere for a soda with you.

Look, what's with these two? Are they in
a fog?

They're not in a fog, pal. They're in
love.

But they only just met.

It doesn't make any difference. I had
the same look when I saw my first dollar

bill. It stays with you forever, boy.

I've been practicing. You want to see me
shoot? Hey, Mill, do me a favor. Get

away from here. I hope he's yours. You
can't do that. Look, take him in your

platoon, will you? All right.

I'll give you back your television set
and ten dollars in cash. Just keep him

away from me. It's a deal.

All right. Sergeant Grover, you want to
see me shoot? Go ahead.

Bullseye!

Bullseye!

Bullseye! Bullseye, where Bullseye?

Bullseye!

There it is, boys. That's life.

You raise them, you care for them, and
then they grow up and then they leave

you. You want to leave me, huh?

Go ahead, Emil. Shoot the old sod. Shoot
me in the back. Also seen in tonight's

cast were Peggy Cass as Polly Porter,
Bill Bramley as Pete Masters, Leo

as Private Emil Schneider, Joey Ross as
Sergeant Ritzik, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, and Larry Douglas as
Captain Anderson.