All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e21 The Colonels Promotion

Well,

Anderson, only one more week and it
might be...

Got my fingers crossed for you, sir.
Thank you, Anderson.

It'll certainly be a pleasure to retire
these old eagles.

Oh, is the door closed, Anderson?

Yes, sir. I want to show you something.

Here they are, my brigadier stars.

Oh, they're beautiful, but they look a
little small.

I've been shining them for eight years.
Is there anything left?

I'm sure you'll make it this time.

I wish I could be so sure. Last time I
was up for Brigadier, they pulled a

surprise inspection.

Oh, what happened? They found Bilko
staging a pageant entitled, Salute to

Three R's.

Sounds educational.

That's what I thought.

But it turned out the Three R's were
three strippers.

Rhonda, Rita, and Roxanne.

You think they'll pull another
inspection this time? I don't know, but

taking any chances.

For the next few days, I'm personally
keeping a 24 -hour watch on Bilko and

playmates.

Sleeping like a baby.

Some baby. I'd like to give him back to
the storm.

Cut it out, Henshaw.

Bilko, this is Colonel Hall. Yes.

Colonel Hall.

Bilko, do you know it's 11 .30?

11 .30? Good heavens, what is my cradle
doing up this date at night, sir?

Bilko, it's 11 .30 in the morning.

Oh, I remember now, sir. Last night I
had them tune out on a night problem. We

didn't get... What was the problem?
Seeing how fast you could win their

Oh, the Colonel stood fast for me this
morning, as usual.

Bill, tell Reveille in this camp it's
seven o 'clock. Yes, sir. Now get into

your uniform and go back to your duty.
Yes, sir.

Sorry, I told you I hate to be awake and
suddenly I get a headache. Wait, look,

it's my surprise.

My surprise.

Fine state of affair in this camp when
the colonel can come and go as he

pleases.

I'm so confused, even I can't figure him
out.

Wait a minute.

What month is this?

March.

Promotion time.

Hey, do you think you'll make brigadier
general?

He's lucky if he makes major.

Oh, you want to get dressed, Sarge? I'm
dressed.

I've got to catch up on my sleep. Move
it, move it.

He's all set, sir.

No sign of the kennel? No. Good. Give
the signal for the boys to come in. The

same one we used for New Guinea? That's
right. The wolf call for Grover, dog

barking for Ritzik, and the out -hooling
for Penn is right.

This clean heart shows that you're soon
to fall in love, Grover. Bilko, give me

those cards.

Bilko, you might as well give up. I'm
going to be on your tail 24 hours a day.

The joy riot is over. Yes, sir. No more
gambling, no more dances, no more

pageants. Nothing but strict military
discipline.

And remember, I'll be watching you. Yes,
sir.

Phantom is struck again.

I've never seen him like this. He's all
over the camp. We haven't had a poker

game in over a week. Yeah, we'll never
have one. He'll be watching us all the

time. Roll it.

Yes, we will.

And this is how we make sure that the
colonel never surprises us again. What

it, Ernie? The colonel's fountain pen.
He must have dropped it coming through

the window.

Grover, can you fit one of those radio
transistors into this?

Sure. Good. I mean, enough so we can
bounce sound waves off it? Sure. Good

Do it right away and return that pen to
the colonel first thing in the morning.

I don't get it, Sarge.

Henshaw, use your imagination.

We're going to keep track of the colonel
by radar.

You tried.

All right, boys. That's all for tonight.

Game will be tomorrow night in the radio
shack. Move it.

Oh, wait a second. I'm changing the
signals.

You're... Rooster, you're a line
roaring.

Come

on,

Ritziki, CJ, what do you got? A pair of
queen.

No good. Three little deuces.

Stop glowing and give me the rest of the
car.

And give me a reading, Henshaw.
Colonel's just leaving his office,

think he's heading this way? How far
away is he?

Approximately 1 ,800 yards his
direction.

Yards still heading east. Condition
yellow. What does that mean? That's just

the way. They don't have to break up the
card game until it's condition red.

Reading 900 yards. Direction unchanged.

What do you think, Hens? He's in a jeep
and he's traveling fast. Let's get out

of here.

As he reaches the PX head. Not yet, but
he's close. Stand by. All right. 850,

800, 750.

Well, well. 700. That's it, Ernie. It's
condition red. All right. You know what

to do. Well, well. Reading 600 yards.
They're closing fast. This is it. Don't

panic. Just do what I told you. Put plan
X into operation. Move it. Reading 400

yards. 300.

250. He's coming fast.

100. 80.

60. 40.

20. 10.

right in the middle of a discussion of
the miracle of electronics.

I'll be with you in a moment, sir. Is
that clear, Sergeant? Now, let me see if

have this right, Sergeant.

This converter sometimes acts as a
preamplifier if used on the proper

Is that a correct assumption?

Quite correct, Sergeant Belko. Oh, I get
it this time. It's amazing so much you

can learn in a few of these seminars.

Belko, I don't think I understand what's
going on here. Oh, it's quite simple,

sir. It's an open discussion between
platoons, sir, on a scientific nature.

see, now... Sergeant Grover here is
explaining the latest developments in

field. The next week, I will lecture on
the latest thing in automotive dynamics,

sir. Bilko, I think I owe you and your
friends an apology.

An apology? What for, sir? Yes, I dashed
over here because I thought I'd catch

you in a poker game.

Really,

sir? What a waste of time that would be
when we're thirsting so for knowledge,

sir. Well, I must say, Bilko, the idea
of exchanging technical information

between departments is an excellent one.

In fact, I think I may institute it on a
camp -wide basis. Well, that's an

excellent thought, sir. I'll make a note
right now so I won't forget.

Sit down, sir.

What's that, sir?

This pen seems hot.

The colonel's not coming down with the
cold, sir. I don't think so.

Well, I must be running along.

Well, sir, you're free to sit in if you
wish, sir. Another time, Bilko. I've got

to get back to the office.

I'm expecting a wire from the Pentagon.

Carry on, men. Thank you very much. All
right, men, back to work. The electronic

work has to... Gee, I thought he'd
definitely... Shh! Where is he?

20 yards? 30?

50? All clear, sir. It's good to hear.

Well, now, gentlemen, we come to a
scientific question of the utmost

Who deals?

It's here, sir.

Your telegram from the Pentagon.

Finally arrived, huh? Yes, sir. And if
you don't mind, sir, I'd appreciate the

honor of pinning the stars on your
shoulders. Thank you, Anderson.

Well, aren't you going to open it, sir?

Well, to tell you the truth, Anderson,
I'm a little afraid.

Nonsense. I'm sure you've made it. Well,
it's about time.

General Hall.

Well,

as they used to say in Brooklyn, wait
until next year.

Don't feel for the badly, sir.

They say it's only because of cutbacks
in our armed forces. I know, Anderson.

It's just a way of letting me down easy.

I feel bad for my wife.

She was counting on this promotion.

Why don't we go to the officer's club
and have a drink, sir?

Some other time, Anderson.

I think I'll just sit here for a while.

Yes, sir.

You're really pushing me to the wall,
huh?

Okay, I see you. What do you got?

Three fives. That was close.

What do you have? Three fours. Three
sixes.

That's funny.

That's very funny.

I'll laugh all the way to the hot shot.

He hasn't moved in over an hour. He
could have left his pen on the desk and

roaming around somewhere.

You're right. I'd better investigate.

Well, gentlemen, we'll continue this
exciting laboratory work as soon as I

back. We'll see that you do, Professor.

This adventure into science has already
cost me 35 claps.

Oh, Rupert, I'm ashamed of you. You
think I'd beat you for $35 without

you a chance to lose more?

I couldn't help but notice that your
lights are still on, sir.

Really, it's way past 10 p .m. Don't you
think you're pushing yourself a little

too hard, sir? Please, not now, Bilko.

No, sir, I must say that I think that
your devotion to duty is admirable, but

your health comes first, sir. Save it
for your new commander. I've decided to

retire. No, sir, I feel I must speak out
when a man like you... Retire, sir.

Oh, sir, you can't do that to me. I
mean, you can't do that to us, sir. I

what would Camp Fremont be without you,
sir? I mean, retire indeed, sir.

Yes, that's what I'm going to do.

Get in a little fishing, some golf, take
Nell down to Florida, laze in the sun,

get in some sleep. You know what I mean?

I know, sir. Your promotion didn't come
through.

That's right, Belko.

Sir, I think it's an outrage that an
officer of your caliber has to be

by Army red tape.

Are we sure I can make it this time? I
can't understand General Wakefield. We

were classmates.

He must know what this means to me.

I can only talk to him. Why don't you,
sir?

Why don't you call him on the phone and
tell him how you feel, sir?

Do you really think it would do any
good? I'm sure it would. If he thinks

want to retire on account of this, sir,
believe me, he'd reconsider.

After all, officers like you that
command remote, unglamorous posts such

are the backbone of the United States
Army. You're right, Belko.

I'm going to get on the phone with
General Wickfield immediately.

Pull it for you, sir, and be firm.

Better than that. Be aggressive, sir.
Just think of what General Patton would

have done in a situation like this, sir.
It's the only kind of language they

understand. Go get him, sir!

I thought it was hard to give him
another lesson, sir.

Get me General Wakefield at the Pentagon
immediately.

General Wakefield, this is Colonel Hall.

No, no.

Wakefield, this is Hall.

J .W.!

You talk to me now?

Well, let's find out if he's too busy to
see me in person.

John, calm down.

I've been calm too long.

But, John, you just can't charge into
General Wakefield's office and demand to

be made a brigadier general. What have I
got to lose? Bill Coe's right.

They don't respect you unless you fight
for what's coming to you.

I'll go in there and I'll say,
Wakefield, this is it. Now, John, listen

I won't, now. I've made up my mind.
Either they give me my promotion, Or I'm

going to hand in my resignation on the
spot. But, John, the army is your life.

What would you do?

What would I do? I'm still a young man.

I'd carve out a career in civilian life.
John, you're almost 55.

Mel, age is a state of mind.

Right now, I feel 25.

John!

Mel, where's my extra suit of heavy
underwear?

In the bottom.

and I'll say, Wakefield, I'm tired of
this double talk. I want an answer. Why

wasn't I made brigadier?

You'll have to tell me right now, do you
hear? Hello, connect me with the

chaplain, please. And hurry.

You're right, Mrs. Hall. This is
serious.

He'll probably ruin his whole military
career.

You'll have to do something, Padre.

I could have a talk with him. Oh, I'm
afraid that wouldn't help at all. This

requires emergency measures.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm afraid we'll just have to go
to the one person who can twist the

kernel around his little finger.

You mean Sergeant Bilko? Yes.

You're right. I'll go see him
immediately.

Oh, good.

Sergeant Bilko. What did you say, Padre?

Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking what strange forms
the guardian angels sometimes take.

God, what? Who's that?

It's probably Rocco with the coffee.

Come in, it's open.

How many cards? Give me three cards.

You won't get away with it, pal.

Rocco, don't look at my hand, will you?
It jinxes it.

Stanley, you think you're going to bluff
people.

Rocco, I... What a surprise, sir.

I'm sorry to interrupt when you're busy.
Oh, that's quite all right, sir. No, it

isn't really. I know you wouldn't
interrupt me during a sermon.

Oh, but sir, this is a harmless game of
casino for matches.

That's all for tonight, boys.

Do you want to see me, sir? Yes, if you
don't mind. All right.

Hey, Bilko, could you let me have five
matches to pay me?

Why don't you sit down, Padre?

Sergeant Bilko, I want you to do me a
favor. You name it, Padre.

It's a rather radical request.

I want you to get the colonel out of
trouble.

My colonel's in trouble. What happened,
sir? Evidently, somebody steamed him up

about his not getting a promotion.

And I'm afraid he's about to do
something drastic. Drastic? One call to

Washington isn't drastic. I mean, I
heard somebody tell me about... He's not

just calling. He's about to advance on
the Pentagon breathing fire.

In person?

Yes. And if he doesn't get his
promotion, he's threatened to resign on

But really, sir, what could I do if...
Sergeant Bilko, may I remind you, if we

get a new commanding officer, you're
very likely to become a very unhappy

Yes, sir. I'll go and see him right now.
It's too late for that, Bilko. He's

already on his way to the airport.

I'm afraid you'll just have to go to
Washington on some pretext or other and

to talk him out. Okay, sir. I'll do it.
Good.

And, Bilko, the colonel must never know
we put you up to this. No, no, no. I'll

keep it a secret.

Finagle a promotion for the colonel,
huh? I like it. I like it. It's a

challenge, sir. What do you mean? Bilko
versus the Pentagon.

Not a fair match, but if it'll help the
colonel, I don't care what happens to

the Pentagon.

After you left camp, my Aunt Martha took
suddenly ill, sir. Wilco, what is it

with that woman? She gets sick every
time I leave camp.

Well,

sir, how are you making out with General
Wakefield?

Well, I tried to see him today, but his
secretary said he was too busy. Oh,

that's too bad. I guess I'll have to
barge in on him without an appointment.

I'm running out of patience.

Really, sir, you'll have to control that
flaming temper of yours, sir. Wilco, I

meant what I said back at Fremont. If I
don't make Brigadier, I'll quit.

Bobby, please.

Going up?

17, please. Sir, there must be some way
of bringing your case to General

Wakefield's attention.

Going up?

Can't be.

Tom, when are you seeing the buyer for
United Dynamics? Day after tomorrow.

Think you'll get the contract?

It's in the bag. I'm playing golf with
his boss today.

Good thinking, Tom. If you want to get
someplace in this town, you've got to be

seen with the right people. Look, I do
60 % of my business on the golf course.

10th floor.

You know, I've been thinking. I do more
business than golf.

General, how would you like to play some
golf this afternoon?

Bill, I didn't cut 3 ,000 miles to play
golf.

Sir, I know it's a thousand and one
chance, but please go along with me this

time. What?

I think it would be much better if you
met General Wakefield on a social level.

I suppose so. Seventeen?

Sir, change your clothes and meet me in
an hour at the Burn Tree Country Club.

All right. All right, down.

I'm going up. Down, down, down.

Take the hand.

Right there.

Excuse me, sir. Aren't you Claude
Harmon?

Yes, that's right. Well, this is an
honor, sir. Allow me to... introduce

I'm Ernest Gene Bilko of the G .H .O .F.
The G .H .O .F.? Southing Hall of Fame.

Oh, yes. We're a new organization
dedicated to remodelizing the great

the fairways.

May I be the first to congratulate you,
sir?

You mean I've been elected? Elected.
You're one of our four charter members,

along with Ben Hogan, Bobby Jones, and
Jolton Jack Hall.

Who? Who?

Of course you remember Bobby Jones. He
of the Grand Slam fame. Oh, how soon

they've forgotten. That's why we found
this organization.

Jack. Oh, would you mind autographing
this ball? I'd appreciate that very

Thank you very much. Does that ball look
familiar to you?

Familiar? Why, this is the very ball
that you stank your last putt with when

won the Masters in 1948.

Well, how about that? How about that?
Now it goes into the golfing museum on a

golden tee in its place of honor, right
between Ben Hogan's putter and Jack

Hall's mighty nippity.

Who's Jack Hall? Oh, I can... Let me
forget those 300 -yard drives of his

booming right into the wind when he won
the Open at Fremont last year.

I'm very sorry. I never heard of Jack
Hall. You... Oh, I forgot. He never did

turn professional. Yes, it was a great
loss to the game when Jack Hall decided

upon a military career.

Oh, he's in the Army. Who?

Jack Hall.

Oh, yes, yes. That's what the president
always said.

Galvin's loss is the country's gain.

Ready to take off, Mr. Harmon? Yes, are
they ready?

All except Mr. Chase.

Mr. Chase? Well, where is he?

Excuse me, Mr. Bilbo. He's right ahead,
sir.

the front gate, please.

Hello, Riley.

Claude Harmon speaking.

Has Mr. Chase come through yet?

Thanks.

Well, that sure botches things up.
Something wrong, Mr. Harmon? I need a

golfer in a hurry to complete this
course of... Oh, they do disappoint you

when... Well,

it's Jack Hall.

What's that? I'd like you to know Mr.
Claude Harmon.

The Jack Hall.

Claude Harmon?

Well, this is an honor.

I know it's on short notice, but would
you consider rounding out a foursome

afternoon?

I'd be glad to.

Oh, that's great. Meet us on the first
tee just as soon as you're ready. Oh,

that's wonderful. Well, well.

He's a grand guy, isn't he? What a
surprise, Belko. I never dreamt I'd live

enough to play golf with Claude Harmon.
You ain't seen nothing yet, so why don't

you join them on the first tee, sir?
They'll be waiting. Have a nice game,

Keep that old head down and whip away,
sir.

with the president besides Claude
Harmon? Senator Hopkins.

Who's the fourth man?

I never saw him before. That's, uh,
Colonel Jack Hall. Who?

Hall. Don't you remember him? The tiger
of New Guinea? He's a warrior.

Great.

The rumor has it he's our next chief of
staff.

And what'd you say his name was again?
Hall. Yeah?

Hall. Jack Hall. Camp Freeman. Hall.
Jack Hall. Camp Freeman.

Are you all right, sir?

All right.

This is the happiest day of my life.

He wants to play with me again. Oh,
isn't that wonderful? What did you

sir? 140.

Oh, good.

Made him feel like a champion. I'll bet,
sir.

Hey, Bobby Jack.

Isn't that wonderful? Well, we'd better
run along, sir. You have this

appointment with General Wakefield at
afternoon.

You think he'll give me an appointment?

Are you kidding, sir?

You know how quick words spread around
in Washington?

That's right. I played golf with the
president. Yes, you did. And do you know

something, Bill Cole? What's that, sir?

He called me Jack. Yeah, I know.

Colonel

Hall

to see General Wakefield.

Do you have an appointment, sir?

No, I don't. I'll announce you, but he's
very busy.

General Wakefield, there's a Colonel
Hall to see you.

I told him you were very busy.

I suppose you might be able to... Jack!
Good to see you this time. How have you

been? Fine, fine. Well, come on in,
Jack. Say, I heard you broke 150.

Oh, I just can't wait to see

John wearing his shiny new stars. I just
called the airport. He's on his way.

Oh, imagine John being General
Wakefield's house guest for two whole...

John Hall.

It sounds good, doesn't it?

Oh, excuse me while I freshen up a bit.
I feel as excited as a schoolgirl.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Is he back yet? Not yet, Sergeant.
Richard just baked his cake. It's got a

shining new star right in the middle.
Well, Bilko, someday you must tell how

managed it. Well, sir, I was in
Washington. Bilko, please, would you

when I'm not in the room? I wonder where
our new commanding officer will be.

New commanding officer? What do you
mean, sir? Well, according to the table

organization, Camp Fremont's CO is a
colonel.

General Hall will probably be given
another command.

I didn't figure on this, Padre. What
have I done?

A greater love hath no man than one who
would lay down his rackets for his

fellow men.

Well,

thanks for the welcome.

The stars look just fine, General.

Take a good look, because I won't be
wearing them for long.

John, I don't understand.

Something go wrong, sir?

Not a thing.

They made me a brigadier, and I
declined.

You declined?

Yeah. It meant leaving Camp Fremont and
going to another post.

And I... Well, Fremont is my home, and I
just can't leave it. Thank you. Thank

you.

Wakefield told me they're thinking of
adding an airfield here, in which case

they'll want a general in command.

But, Don, you waited so long as it is.
No matter now. Just knowing that they

appreciate me is what I really wanted.
Oh, Don.

Well, Belko, everything turned out fine.
Oh, yes, I had a feeling it would, sir.

What do you mean?

So you know what the good book says.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Bilko, I didn't know you... Andre, it's
only good business to know what the

competition's all about.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Claude
Harmon, who played himself, Royal Beale

as General Wakefield, Joey Ross as
Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Grover, Larry Douglas as Lieutenant
Anderson, John Gibson as the chaplain,

Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall.