Original subtitles

Well,

Anderson, only one more week and it might be...

Got my fingers crossed for you, sir. Thank you, Anderson.

It'll certainly be a pleasure to retire these old eagles.

Oh, is the door closed, Anderson?

Yes, sir. I want to show you something.

Here they are, my brigadier stars.

Oh, they're beautiful, but they look a little small.

I've been shining them for eight years. Is there anything left?

I'm sure you'll make it this time.

I wish I could be so sure. Last time I was up for Brigadier, they pulled a

surprise inspection.

Oh, what happened? They found Bilko staging a pageant entitled, Salute to

Three R's.

Sounds educational.

That's what I thought.

But it turned out the Three R's were three strippers.

Rhonda, Rita, and Roxanne.

You think they'll pull another inspection this time? I don't know, but

taking any chances.

For the next few days, I'm personally keeping a 24 -hour watch on Bilko and

playmates.

Sleeping like a baby.

Some baby. I'd like to give him back to the storm.

Cut it out, Henshaw.

Bilko, this is Colonel Hall. Yes.

Colonel Hall.

Bilko, do you know it's 11 .30?

11 .30? Good heavens, what is my cradle doing up this date at night, sir?

Bilko, it's 11 .30 in the morning.

Oh, I remember now, sir. Last night I had them tune out on a night problem. We

didn't get... What was the problem? Seeing how fast you could win their

Oh, the Colonel stood fast for me this morning, as usual.

Bill, tell Reveille in this camp it's seven o 'clock. Yes, sir. Now get into

your uniform and go back to your duty. Yes, sir.

Sorry, I told you I hate to be awake and suddenly I get a headache. Wait, look,

it's my surprise.

My surprise.

Fine state of affair in this camp when the colonel can come and go as he

pleases.

I'm so confused, even I can't figure him out.

Wait a minute.

What month is this?

March.

Promotion time.

Hey, do you think you'll make brigadier general?

He's lucky if he makes major.

Oh, you want to get dressed, Sarge? I'm dressed.

I've got to catch up on my sleep. Move it, move it.

He's all set, sir.

No sign of the kennel? No. Good. Give the signal for the boys to come in. The

same one we used for New Guinea? That's right. The wolf call for Grover, dog

barking for Ritzik, and the out -hooling for Penn is right.

This clean heart shows that you're soon to fall in love, Grover. Bilko, give me

those cards.

Bilko, you might as well give up. I'm going to be on your tail 24 hours a day.

The joy riot is over. Yes, sir. No more gambling, no more dances, no more

pageants. Nothing but strict military discipline.

And remember, I'll be watching you. Yes, sir.

Phantom is struck again.

I've never seen him like this. He's all over the camp. We haven't had a poker

game in over a week. Yeah, we'll never have one. He'll be watching us all the

time. Roll it.

Yes, we will.

And this is how we make sure that the colonel never surprises us again. What

it, Ernie? The colonel's fountain pen. He must have dropped it coming through

the window.

Grover, can you fit one of those radio transistors into this?

Sure. Good. I mean, enough so we can bounce sound waves off it? Sure. Good

Do it right away and return that pen to the colonel first thing in the morning.

I don't get it, Sarge.

Henshaw, use your imagination.

We're going to keep track of the colonel by radar.

You tried.

All right, boys. That's all for tonight.

Game will be tomorrow night in the radio shack. Move it.

Oh, wait a second. I'm changing the signals.

You're... Rooster, you're a line roaring.

Come

on,

Ritziki, CJ, what do you got? A pair of queen.

No good. Three little deuces.

Stop glowing and give me the rest of the car.

And give me a reading, Henshaw. Colonel's just leaving his office,

think he's heading this way? How far away is he?

Approximately 1 ,800 yards his direction.

Yards still heading east. Condition yellow. What does that mean? That's just

the way. They don't have to break up the card game until it's condition red.

Reading 900 yards. Direction unchanged.

What do you think, Hens? He's in a jeep and he's traveling fast. Let's get out

of here.

As he reaches the PX head. Not yet, but he's close. Stand by. All right. 850,

800, 750.

Well, well. 700. That's it, Ernie. It's condition red. All right. You know what

to do. Well, well. Reading 600 yards. They're closing fast. This is it. Don't

panic. Just do what I told you. Put plan X into operation. Move it. Reading 400

yards. 300.

250. He's coming fast.

100. 80.

60. 40.

20. 10.

right in the middle of a discussion of the miracle of electronics.

I'll be with you in a moment, sir. Is that clear, Sergeant? Now, let me see if

have this right, Sergeant.

This converter sometimes acts as a preamplifier if used on the proper

Is that a correct assumption?

Quite correct, Sergeant Belko. Oh, I get it this time. It's amazing so much you

can learn in a few of these seminars.

Belko, I don't think I understand what's going on here. Oh, it's quite simple,

sir. It's an open discussion between platoons, sir, on a scientific nature.

see, now... Sergeant Grover here is explaining the latest developments in

field. The next week, I will lecture on the latest thing in automotive dynamics,

sir. Bilko, I think I owe you and your friends an apology.

An apology? What for, sir? Yes, I dashed over here because I thought I'd catch

you in a poker game.

Really,

sir? What a waste of time that would be when we're thirsting so for knowledge,

sir. Well, I must say, Bilko, the idea of exchanging technical information

between departments is an excellent one.

In fact, I think I may institute it on a camp -wide basis. Well, that's an

excellent thought, sir. I'll make a note right now so I won't forget.

Sit down, sir.

What's that, sir?

This pen seems hot.

The colonel's not coming down with the cold, sir. I don't think so.

Well, I must be running along.

Well, sir, you're free to sit in if you wish, sir. Another time, Bilko. I've got

to get back to the office.

I'm expecting a wire from the Pentagon.

Carry on, men. Thank you very much. All right, men, back to work. The electronic

work has to... Gee, I thought he'd definitely... Shh! Where is he?

20 yards? 30?

50? All clear, sir. It's good to hear.

Well, now, gentlemen, we come to a scientific question of the utmost

Who deals?

It's here, sir.

Your telegram from the Pentagon.

Finally arrived, huh? Yes, sir. And if you don't mind, sir, I'd appreciate the

honor of pinning the stars on your shoulders. Thank you, Anderson.

Well, aren't you going to open it, sir?

Well, to tell you the truth, Anderson, I'm a little afraid.

Nonsense. I'm sure you've made it. Well, it's about time.

General Hall.

Well,

as they used to say in Brooklyn, wait until next year.

Don't feel for the badly, sir.

They say it's only because of cutbacks in our armed forces. I know, Anderson.

It's just a way of letting me down easy.

I feel bad for my wife.

She was counting on this promotion.

Why don't we go to the officer's club and have a drink, sir?

Some other time, Anderson.

I think I'll just sit here for a while.

Yes, sir.

You're really pushing me to the wall, huh?

Okay, I see you. What do you got?

Three fives. That was close.

What do you have? Three fours. Three sixes.

That's funny.

That's very funny.

I'll laugh all the way to the hot shot.

He hasn't moved in over an hour. He could have left his pen on the desk and

roaming around somewhere.

You're right. I'd better investigate.

Well, gentlemen, we'll continue this exciting laboratory work as soon as I

back. We'll see that you do, Professor.

This adventure into science has already cost me 35 claps.

Oh, Rupert, I'm ashamed of you. You think I'd beat you for $35 without

you a chance to lose more?

I couldn't help but notice that your lights are still on, sir.

Really, it's way past 10 p .m. Don't you think you're pushing yourself a little

too hard, sir? Please, not now, Bilko.

No, sir, I must say that I think that your devotion to duty is admirable, but

your health comes first, sir. Save it for your new commander. I've decided to

retire. No, sir, I feel I must speak out when a man like you... Retire, sir.

Oh, sir, you can't do that to me. I mean, you can't do that to us, sir. I

what would Camp Fremont be without you, sir? I mean, retire indeed, sir.

Yes, that's what I'm going to do.

Get in a little fishing, some golf, take Nell down to Florida, laze in the sun,

get in some sleep. You know what I mean?

I know, sir. Your promotion didn't come through.

That's right, Belko.

Sir, I think it's an outrage that an officer of your caliber has to be

by Army red tape.

Are we sure I can make it this time? I can't understand General Wakefield. We

were classmates.

He must know what this means to me.

I can only talk to him. Why don't you, sir?

Why don't you call him on the phone and tell him how you feel, sir?

Do you really think it would do any good? I'm sure it would. If he thinks

want to retire on account of this, sir, believe me, he'd reconsider.

After all, officers like you that command remote, unglamorous posts such

are the backbone of the United States Army. You're right, Belko.

I'm going to get on the phone with General Wickfield immediately.

Pull it for you, sir, and be firm.

Better than that. Be aggressive, sir. Just think of what General Patton would

have done in a situation like this, sir. It's the only kind of language they

understand. Go get him, sir!

I thought it was hard to give him another lesson, sir.

Get me General Wakefield at the Pentagon immediately.

General Wakefield, this is Colonel Hall.

No, no.

Wakefield, this is Hall.

J .W.!

You talk to me now?

Well, let's find out if he's too busy to see me in person.

John, calm down.

I've been calm too long.

But, John, you just can't charge into General Wakefield's office and demand to

be made a brigadier general. What have I got to lose? Bill Coe's right.

They don't respect you unless you fight for what's coming to you.

I'll go in there and I'll say, Wakefield, this is it. Now, John, listen

I won't, now. I've made up my mind. Either they give me my promotion, Or I'm

going to hand in my resignation on the spot. But, John, the army is your life.

What would you do?

What would I do? I'm still a young man.

I'd carve out a career in civilian life. John, you're almost 55.

Mel, age is a state of mind.

Right now, I feel 25.

John!

Mel, where's my extra suit of heavy underwear?

In the bottom.

and I'll say, Wakefield, I'm tired of this double talk. I want an answer. Why

wasn't I made brigadier?

You'll have to tell me right now, do you hear? Hello, connect me with the

chaplain, please. And hurry.

You're right, Mrs. Hall. This is serious.

He'll probably ruin his whole military career.

You'll have to do something, Padre.

I could have a talk with him. Oh, I'm afraid that wouldn't help at all. This

requires emergency measures.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm afraid we'll just have to go to the one person who can twist the

kernel around his little finger.

You mean Sergeant Bilko? Yes.

You're right. I'll go see him immediately.

Oh, good.

Sergeant Bilko. What did you say, Padre?

Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking what strange forms the guardian angels sometimes take.

God, what? Who's that?

It's probably Rocco with the coffee.

Come in, it's open.

How many cards? Give me three cards.

You won't get away with it, pal.

Rocco, don't look at my hand, will you? It jinxes it.

Stanley, you think you're going to bluff people.

Rocco, I... What a surprise, sir.

I'm sorry to interrupt when you're busy. Oh, that's quite all right, sir. No, it

isn't really. I know you wouldn't interrupt me during a sermon.

Oh, but sir, this is a harmless game of casino for matches.

That's all for tonight, boys.

Do you want to see me, sir? Yes, if you don't mind. All right.

Hey, Bilko, could you let me have five matches to pay me?

Why don't you sit down, Padre?

Sergeant Bilko, I want you to do me a favor. You name it, Padre.

It's a rather radical request.

I want you to get the colonel out of trouble.

My colonel's in trouble. What happened, sir? Evidently, somebody steamed him up

about his not getting a promotion.

And I'm afraid he's about to do something drastic. Drastic? One call to

Washington isn't drastic. I mean, I heard somebody tell me about... He's not

just calling. He's about to advance on the Pentagon breathing fire.

In person?

Yes. And if he doesn't get his promotion, he's threatened to resign on

But really, sir, what could I do if... Sergeant Bilko, may I remind you, if we

get a new commanding officer, you're very likely to become a very unhappy

Yes, sir. I'll go and see him right now. It's too late for that, Bilko. He's

already on his way to the airport.

I'm afraid you'll just have to go to Washington on some pretext or other and

to talk him out. Okay, sir. I'll do it. Good.

And, Bilko, the colonel must never know we put you up to this. No, no, no. I'll

keep it a secret.

Finagle a promotion for the colonel, huh? I like it. I like it. It's a

challenge, sir. What do you mean? Bilko versus the Pentagon.

Not a fair match, but if it'll help the colonel, I don't care what happens to

the Pentagon.

After you left camp, my Aunt Martha took suddenly ill, sir. Wilco, what is it

with that woman? She gets sick every time I leave camp.

Well,

sir, how are you making out with General Wakefield?

Well, I tried to see him today, but his secretary said he was too busy. Oh,

that's too bad. I guess I'll have to barge in on him without an appointment.

I'm running out of patience.

Really, sir, you'll have to control that flaming temper of yours, sir. Wilco, I

meant what I said back at Fremont. If I don't make Brigadier, I'll quit.

Bobby, please.

Going up?

17, please. Sir, there must be some way of bringing your case to General

Wakefield's attention.

Going up?

Can't be.

Tom, when are you seeing the buyer for United Dynamics? Day after tomorrow.

Think you'll get the contract?

It's in the bag. I'm playing golf with his boss today.

Good thinking, Tom. If you want to get someplace in this town, you've got to be

seen with the right people. Look, I do 60 % of my business on the golf course.

10th floor.

You know, I've been thinking. I do more business than golf.

General, how would you like to play some golf this afternoon?

Bill, I didn't cut 3 ,000 miles to play golf.

Sir, I know it's a thousand and one chance, but please go along with me this

time. What?

I think it would be much better if you met General Wakefield on a social level.

I suppose so. Seventeen?

Sir, change your clothes and meet me in an hour at the Burn Tree Country Club.

All right. All right, down.

I'm going up. Down, down, down.

Take the hand.

Right there.

Excuse me, sir. Aren't you Claude Harmon?

Yes, that's right. Well, this is an honor, sir. Allow me to... introduce

I'm Ernest Gene Bilko of the G .H .O .F. The G .H .O .F.? Southing Hall of Fame.

Oh, yes. We're a new organization dedicated to remodelizing the great

the fairways.

May I be the first to congratulate you, sir?

You mean I've been elected? Elected. You're one of our four charter members,

along with Ben Hogan, Bobby Jones, and Jolton Jack Hall.

Who? Who?

Of course you remember Bobby Jones. He of the Grand Slam fame. Oh, how soon

they've forgotten. That's why we found this organization.

Jack. Oh, would you mind autographing this ball? I'd appreciate that very

Thank you very much. Does that ball look familiar to you?

Familiar? Why, this is the very ball that you stank your last putt with when

won the Masters in 1948.

Well, how about that? How about that? Now it goes into the golfing museum on a

golden tee in its place of honor, right between Ben Hogan's putter and Jack

Hall's mighty nippity.

Who's Jack Hall? Oh, I can... Let me forget those 300 -yard drives of his

booming right into the wind when he won the Open at Fremont last year.

I'm very sorry. I never heard of Jack Hall. You... Oh, I forgot. He never did

turn professional. Yes, it was a great loss to the game when Jack Hall decided

upon a military career.

Oh, he's in the Army. Who?

Jack Hall.

Oh, yes, yes. That's what the president always said.

Galvin's loss is the country's gain.

Ready to take off, Mr. Harmon? Yes, are they ready?

All except Mr. Chase.

Mr. Chase? Well, where is he?

Excuse me, Mr. Bilbo. He's right ahead, sir.

the front gate, please.

Hello, Riley.

Claude Harmon speaking.

Has Mr. Chase come through yet?

Thanks.

Well, that sure botches things up. Something wrong, Mr. Harmon? I need a

golfer in a hurry to complete this course of... Oh, they do disappoint you

when... Well,

it's Jack Hall.

What's that? I'd like you to know Mr. Claude Harmon.

The Jack Hall.

Claude Harmon?

Well, this is an honor.

I know it's on short notice, but would you consider rounding out a foursome

afternoon?

I'd be glad to.

Oh, that's great. Meet us on the first tee just as soon as you're ready. Oh,

that's wonderful. Well, well.

He's a grand guy, isn't he? What a surprise, Belko. I never dreamt I'd live

enough to play golf with Claude Harmon. You ain't seen nothing yet, so why don't

you join them on the first tee, sir? They'll be waiting. Have a nice game,

Keep that old head down and whip away, sir.

with the president besides Claude Harmon? Senator Hopkins.

Who's the fourth man?

I never saw him before. That's, uh, Colonel Jack Hall. Who?

Hall. Don't you remember him? The tiger of New Guinea? He's a warrior.

Great.

The rumor has it he's our next chief of staff.

And what'd you say his name was again? Hall. Yeah?

Hall. Jack Hall. Camp Freeman. Hall. Jack Hall. Camp Freeman.

Are you all right, sir?

All right.

This is the happiest day of my life.

He wants to play with me again. Oh, isn't that wonderful? What did you

sir? 140.

Oh, good.

Made him feel like a champion. I'll bet, sir.

Hey, Bobby Jack.

Isn't that wonderful? Well, we'd better run along, sir. You have this

appointment with General Wakefield at afternoon.

You think he'll give me an appointment?

Are you kidding, sir?

You know how quick words spread around in Washington?

That's right. I played golf with the president. Yes, you did. And do you know

something, Bill Cole? What's that, sir?

He called me Jack. Yeah, I know.

Colonel

Hall

to see General Wakefield.

Do you have an appointment, sir?

No, I don't. I'll announce you, but he's very busy.

General Wakefield, there's a Colonel Hall to see you.

I told him you were very busy.

I suppose you might be able to... Jack! Good to see you this time. How have you

been? Fine, fine. Well, come on in, Jack. Say, I heard you broke 150.

Oh, I just can't wait to see

John wearing his shiny new stars. I just called the airport. He's on his way.

Oh, imagine John being General Wakefield's house guest for two whole...

John Hall.

It sounds good, doesn't it?

Oh, excuse me while I freshen up a bit. I feel as excited as a schoolgirl.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Is he back yet? Not yet, Sergeant. Richard just baked his cake. It's got a

shining new star right in the middle. Well, Bilko, someday you must tell how

managed it. Well, sir, I was in Washington. Bilko, please, would you

when I'm not in the room? I wonder where our new commanding officer will be.

New commanding officer? What do you mean, sir? Well, according to the table

organization, Camp Fremont's CO is a colonel.

General Hall will probably be given another command.

I didn't figure on this, Padre. What have I done?

A greater love hath no man than one who would lay down his rackets for his

fellow men.

Well,

thanks for the welcome.

The stars look just fine, General.

Take a good look, because I won't be wearing them for long.

John, I don't understand.

Something go wrong, sir?

Not a thing.

They made me a brigadier, and I declined.

You declined?

Yeah. It meant leaving Camp Fremont and going to another post.

And I... Well, Fremont is my home, and I just can't leave it. Thank you. Thank

you.

Wakefield told me they're thinking of adding an airfield here, in which case

they'll want a general in command.

But, Don, you waited so long as it is. No matter now. Just knowing that they

appreciate me is what I really wanted. Oh, Don.

Well, Belko, everything turned out fine. Oh, yes, I had a feeling it would, sir.

What do you mean?

So you know what the good book says.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Bilko, I didn't know you... Andre, it's only good business to know what the

competition's all about.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Claude Harmon, who played himself, Royal Beale

as General Wakefield, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Grover, Larry Douglas as Lieutenant Anderson, John Gibson as the chaplain,

Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall.