Original subtitles

Now, my group, please stay close together and do a through -the -Mexican

inspection. Buenos dias, senor.

I am the travel agent from the Wilson Guided Tours. Buenos dias, senor. How

in your party? Six. Here's the list.

All right. Will my little group stay together? We don't want to get

do we? We're going to leave you. You've got all our money. Bad point.

I'm responsible.

Paying you 25 bucks apiece for three days in Mexico, we must be nuts.

You're forgetting one thing. For that paltry sum, you're getting deluxe hotel

accommodations, first -rate transportation, and an excellent guide.

more about home Mexico than Signor Bilko. Some guide. He saw two Cisco

pictures on a late show.

Suddenly, he's an authority.

All right, all right, all right. You'll find Leo Carrillo's house by yourself.

Next, please.

Ah, buenas vistas, Signor. You are all together?

Yes, we're together.

How long do you intend to stay in Mexico?

Three fun -filled days and nights. What is your business in Mexico?

Deity and frivolity. What about that? May I see your identification?

Identification? Thank you. Welcome to Mexico.

Have a pleasant visit. Grazie. Grazie. Here we are in sunny Mexico.

George, can I take a picture?

You might as well. It may be the last picture taken of us while we're still

alive. What do you mean, Sarge?

We may die from sheer fun.

Never a doubt of you, Sarge. You sure know those spots. Gentlemen, I'm just

getting warm.

The last place I took you to will be a public library compared to what's coming

up. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

I got one of the few copies that got through the mail.

Well, let's go then. Let's go. Stop him and come on, will you? Will you?

My stomach is rumping.

Gentlemen, if we wait till he fills that, our hits will be over. Look.

Come on,

amigos. What a festivity in the air. Yee -haw!

McIntosh, she's gone.

Yeah, Gonzales is there.

We haven't held him up for the last two months.

Now is the time.

You'll see it's all over the place. Well,

let's get over to the bar.

That must be Pepito. Oh, Pepito, I see you're loaded. Well, you'll be happy to

know we're loaded, too.

I am very happy, sir.

Please open your pockets.

Hey, Sarge, it's a stick -up. That is right, senor. Oh, well, we're just

American tourists. We won't disturb you. Hasta mañana.

You're not going nowhere, senor. You don't understand. We're Americans.

Mexicans stay here. Yankees go home.

Money, senor. Oh, money. Well, you should speak a little more clearer,

Money. There you are. Well, hasn't this been exciting? We've seen a legitimate

hole. Well, hasta la vista.

¿Qué es lo que pienso?

Hay algo que hacer con los soldados americanos.

What do you think he said, Sarge? Something about American soldiers.

I think they realize they've gone too far. You can't monkey with the United

States Army.

Les quitamos los uniformes a los soldados americanos.

I think they're going to apologize and give us our money back. They were only

kidding. That's a good idea.

Take off your clothes.

Take them off, senor.

Maybe he thinks we're on the floor show.

Well, I don't think you are on our clothes, senor. After all, yours has so

more dash, so much more flair. I always say, when it comes to wearing a gun

belt, give me a Mexican bandit every time. Your clothes, senor.

Well, wait a minute. What about the Geneva conference?

In ten seconds, there'll be a nice little pile on the floor.

Which will it be?

Your clothes or you?

When we get back to camp, we'll put in for a new outfit. That's what we'll do.

Thank you for your clothes, senores.

We'll be on our way now.

Wait a minute. You can't leave us like this.

Shut up. You want them to take our underwear?

Oh, boy, another soldier. Maybe it's help. Sure, help for the bandits.

Jake, it's Doberman. He's walking right into the trap.

Hey, Sarge, I've got a plan. When Doberman walks in, I give him a high

start a commotion.

Zimmerman makes for the door. They rush after him. Then Doberman goes out to

call the police. Forget it.

Why? Doberman is about to join the merry nudists.

Would it be all right if I just checked my cap?

Our chief, El Muchacho, will be very pleased.

Sarge, Sarge. What?

I've got an ice pick.

Slip it to me.

You're going to give it to him? No, to you, right through the heart.

A quarter like this. No money, no paper, no clothes. A three -day pass is up.

Hey, Sarge, I've got an idea.

Why don't we find a pawn shop, hock our underwear, and buy bus tickets? Hock our

underwear. Where's that ice cream?

I'm very sorry this happened in my club.

Here's some clothes. I found them in the dressing room. Thank you, Pepito.

Hey, Sarge, how do you get into these?

How do I know? One of my Cesar Romero? Get dressed.

The Phil Silver Show will be right back.

Here you are, sir.

Now, this is only yours. I'll have to have your wife's identification, too.

Boy, you fellas sure make it tough for us to get back home.

Sorry, just regulations.

They're very strict these days.

All right, come on, boys. In a few minutes, we'll be across the border.

I hope for a chance to pluck off my circulation.

Ah, there it is.

Viva America.

Just a minute, senors.

identification if you're going to visit the United States. Su identificación.

Business amusing. He thinks we're Mexicans. It's all right, Matt. We're

soldiers. And not in those outfits, you're not. Where's your identification

papers? Isn't it great? No wonder Americans can sleep peacefully at night.

People like you guarding the border, you're doing a good job, pal.

Just... Your papers.

Well, I wanted to spare you the sort of... But here's what happens. You see,

we're American soldiers on leave, and we were in Tijuana and got in this

difficulty at this museum we were visiting. What was the name of that

Papitas Cave.

That was the name of the painting we were going to buy.

Whatever it was. Anyway, on our way out of the museum. I know.

Mexican bandits held you up and took your identification in your uniform.

Is that what you were going to tell me?

Not anymore, it isn't.

I know how badly you want to get into the United States, but you'll just have

come in under the next quota in three or four years. Oh, wait, hold on.

What am I going to do to convince you we're Americans?

Mickey Mantle, frozen TV dinners, hula hoops, Marilyn Monroe, Disneyland, rock

and roll.

Tell them, what's your favorite orchestra?

Xavier Cougat.

Sir Lawrence Wonk, isn't it? No, it's Xavier Cougat. Did you ever hear him

La Cucaracha? I don't know. Never mind him. It must be.

Ed Woodward.

We'll just have to wait till dawn till the new shift comes out. Look, we're in

these outfits.

All

right,

senor. We are those

great international favorites.

Poopy Vilco and his flamenco force. We show you. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

If I could just have your papers.

Puppi.

Puppi.

Puppi no papers.

Puppi no papers. Puppi no papers.

Puppi no papers.

Well, I gotta have papers.

Look.

Let me explain, Bud. We have a very important television engagement in your

country Sunday night. Sunday night? Si, we go to Eduardo Solvano.

Si, si, si.

Look, I'm sorry, but you still need identification papers. Si, si, si.

Señor, me,

Flamanco, we go to Eduardo Solvano to give that...

Mucho. Trendex rating.

He? Steve Allen.

Gringo.

I'm sorry.

Gringo. Me, me. Very good friend, Senor Winstead. All right?

All right. We're going.

All right.

I'm going to level with you. We're four American soldiers. We were on leave. We

got into a little trouble in Tijuana.

If we don't get back, we're going to be AWOL. Don't be taking up with the United

Nations. For now, get away from this gate. Sure, I suppose if I was Abby

we could come and go as we please.

Come on, go.

Well, Sarge, maybe we should learn to speak Spanish and settle down.

Psst, senor. Knock it off, kid. We don't want any picture postcards.

Can you get across the border, senor?

Sure, whether you got your own gate.

I'll take that.

I can't get you across.

Yeah, how much is it going to cost us? Nothing now, senor. You will pay me when

I get you across the border.

Well, you can't beat the rates.

It's smuggle now and pay later.

Again,

all we do is change clothes.

Go figure Mexico. It's one big dressing room. Come on.

Northgate.

What? Four American soldiers robbed a bank in Tijuana?

They were just here.

Your name? Juan Lopez.

All right, Lopez, make mark in the book.

Get into the truck and lie down.

Next.

I look better in my underwear.

What do you think the deal is, Sarge? The clothes, the mustaches?

Some cheap movie outfit making a picture. You know, quickie. They hire

way. Instead of hiring union actors, they save money. Oh, boy, a movie. I

when the picture will be released.

About the same time we are, if they catch us.

All right, make mark in the book and get us to the truck.

Oh, the truck. Is that how we get across the border in a truck?

Only until Rio Grande. Hey, we're going to class.

Look, what happens when we get to the Rio Grande then? How do we get across?

Oh, your arms with your legs, you swim.

Maybe. It's an Esther Williams picture.

And, uh, we're not extras.

We're wetbacks.

Now, just a minute. Once we get off and we dry off, we're in California, right?

No, no, in Arizona.

Oh, that's not too bad. Once we get there, we hitch a ride and get back to

camp. Yes, in a couple of months after we get through picking melons. Melons?

Melons.

Melons, cassava melons, honeydew melons, melons. Hold it just a minute. Look,

we're not melon pickers. We're tourists.

Oh, then you have enough money to pay for your trip across the border.

We're melon pickers.

I thought you spent two months cleaning fruit cocktails.

You think I'm stupid or something? Once we get across, we make a break with it

and we hitchhike a ride back to the camp.

And if you're thinking of running away, amigos, forget it.

Every night we chain you to the truck.

Maybe we can stuff a message into a melon and hope the colonel gets it for

breakfast. If the swimming don't get you and the picking don't get you, I'll get

you.

Everybody said where you are. You're under arrest.

Oh, thank heavens you came, officer. You see, we're four American soldiers. This

man was buggering us across the border.

I see.

Let me have your papers.

Papers? Pupino papers, papino papers, pepino papers.

Get in the truck.

Everybody's got a truck.

By the time we dig a hole big enough to get Doberman through, our time will be

up. There's got to be a way out of here.

I'm hungry.

Do me a favor. Eat the bars.

I'm hungry, sir.

Under this.

I did the same thing the first time I saw him.

He's looking for four American soldiers.

Compadre, why we don't divide up the money now? No, not until El Muchacho

His plan was for us to separate and then come here and divide the money.

Si. I wish he would come. I don't like sitting around here.

Bruno! Garcia!

I have just heard bad news.

El Muchacho has been captured. What?

Where is he? In the jail in the village. I knew this would happen. El Muchacho

take too many chances.

What to worry about?

That jail, she is like eggshell.

Tonight, we crack him open.

Come on, compadres. We take off these soldier's uniforms.

Leave. Leave. I'm trying to figure a way to get out of here. You're sleeping.

Will you shut up? How can I think with you snoring?

And Machacho?

You looking for someone?

And Machacho, where is he?

Ain't nobody in here but us wits. I know.

El Muchacho.

What's the matter with you? El Muchacho.

El Muchacho is here, boys. He's here. When you beat it. El Muchacho, go away

far from these walls as you can. We get you out of here.

Lady's not kidding. Come on.

that's Pepe, and that's Papa.

Here we are, Machacho. All together again, huh? Everything came off just as

planned it. We got the money, and the police are looking for American

Sergeant, those are the guys who stole our clothes.

Now they're stealing Doberman.

He's calling him El Machacho.

He's El Machacho.

El Machacho amigo.

Eat, El Machacho.

Yeah, but of course, I don't know. I think so. I think we was going to rob a

bank and you were just coming out.

El Machacho, let's go.

Wait a minute.

Where are you going, El Machacho? Well, you see, when we were in the jail, El

Machacho promised I would meet his sister. I can't wait. You mean his twin

sister, the little fat one?

There's no accounting for taste. El Machacho goes with you later, but...

First, we have something to divide up, huh?

What? What?

What do you like the best in the whole world, huh?

Tacos.

El Machacho, we really... No, you win.

Yeah.

Sarge, what's going to happen to us when they find out he's not El Machacho?

Probably divide us up.

Then whose sister am I supposed to meet?

Well, if I remember now.

See, you are the soldiers whose uniforms were robbed at Pepito's cave.

Oh, we're not going to press charges.

If you'll just give us back a year. Get to the other room.

Get to the other room.

What shall we do with them?

Kill them.

Wait a minute.

I have a better plan.

We give them back their uniforms and let them go.

Why?

The four American soldiers who robbed the bank in Tijuana.

So we don't have to get rid of them. The police will do it for us.

Tell the muchacho, your uniform, please.

Oh, boy, I never thought this would happen. We got our uniforms, our papers,

our lives.

I wonder why the bandits were so nice to us. Because they got pretty nervous,

pal. The United States Army will stand for just so much. Why, John Forster Dunn

would have been on the next plane.

Well, clearly, this is the last time we got our uniform back, our papers. Boys,

say goodbye to Mexico.

Well, Sergeant, we've been waiting for you to show up again.

Ah. All right, boys, you're under arrest.

Under arrest? What for?

For robbing the Tijuana Bank. Oh, no, you got that wrong. That was our

that robbed the bank. We weren't in there at the time.

We don't have time to explain. Now, get in that truck.

Again with the truck.

Everybody's got a truck.

It's good to be home again.

Well, at least our landlord redid the wall.

Gee, I'm hungry.

Well, you're El Machacho. Why don't you go and rob a taco stand?

Hey, Sarge, you think they'll shoot us?

Not the shooting that's bothering me. It's those rides in the open trucks

bothering me.

I have good news for you. Here it is, our last meal.

Good, I'm hungry. We found out you didn't rob the bank.

Oh, fine. I was beginning to believe we did.

We captured El Machacho's gang.

They were caught trying to pass the money.

Hey! When do we get out of here? In a little while. As soon as officials sign

your papers.

Believe me, once we get back to camp, I'll never ask for another pass. All

right, bring them in. Bring who in? Three of El Muchacho's men.

And pretty soon, we capture El Muchacho himself.

You have to share this cell with them for a little while. Why with us?

Put them in separate cells. They're crooks. We're the good guys.

Come on, get in there.

We'll be letting you out in a little while, soldiers.

Well, Mr. Bandit, the sombrero's on the other end now.

We're getting out and you're in.

That is life, senor. Yeah, that's what you'll get, life.

Let me take a poke at him, sir. You thank him. Let me thank you. No, no, no.

the wheels of justice run over him.

Who's that?

Oh, it's El Machacho for you.

El Machacho?

Yeah.

See? See? I suppose you think El Machacho's going to help you get out of

huh? See?

You don't want to take a poke at me?

No, but you could take a poke at me if you like.

Nice seeing you fellas again. Which wall is going out this time?

No wall this time, senor. We're going to walk right out.

Excuse me, I don't want to contradict you, but how are you going to do that?

They're all waiting for you. They've got guards here and everything. There's no

way to get out of here. The only one they're going to let out is four

They're coming for us. They expect for... All right, fellas, start getting

undressed.

This is about since I was a baby.

Yeah. I'm going to pop one of those uniforms out the window to helmet judge.

I'll kill you.

Just try to be a good soldier. I don't remember. Not one war.

Okay, American soldiers, you are free.

Adios, Mac.

Hey, stop them. They're the bandits. We're the soldiers.

Shut up, you crooks. None of your sneaky tricks.

And shoot me out of the American soldiers.

El Muchacho.

I killed you, El Muchacho. How did I do it? Wait, hey, wait a minute. Hey, you

left the door open.

What are you, nuts or something? Come on.

Every time we get outside, we've got to take our clothes off.

Don't. Talk to him. How do we know he ain't on the Churchill?

Oh, come on. Out.

Out.

You're the president of Mexico. Where's your cabinet? There's been a revolution.

We're asking the United States to hide it. You got it? I've got it. Well, where

are you going? The president has gone back to jail where it's safe.

No place to hide.

Which one of you men is Sergeant Bilko? I think it was General Mendoza. He was

there with Carlos and the... Sergeant Bilko? Yes, I've got an authorization

to let Bilko, Paparelli, Zimmerman, and Doberman through.

Hey, wait a minute. That's us. That means we can go back there, right?

right. Everything's been straightened out.

El Muchacho and his gang have been caught.

He has.

Let's go back and get the reward money. Come on. Wait a minute, Sergeant. He's

letting us through. Let's go back there where it's safe and sound. Yeah, let's,

Sergeant. All right, let's go back. The land of the free and the home of the

brave. Thanks, buddy.

Okay, you guys, you're under arrest.

Under arrest?

Seven days and a three -day pass.

Pass? Popino pass. Popino pass?

Popino pass. Pass the double talk, buddy, and get in the truck.

Everywhere you go.

Also seen in tonight's cast where Leon Velasco

is...

Leonardo Cimino as the three bandits, Bob Hastings as the customs officer, and

Arnie Freeman as the jailer.

Now, stay tuned for The Addams Family, next on TV Land.