Original subtitles

I'll be with you in a minute, Gloria. I'm making a reservation at the Latin

Quarter. It's the premiere of their new spring review.

Hench, I've got to have something. This is an emergency.

Look, I'm here at the Maison d 'Or restaurant.

Get me some loot. I don't care.

Don't tell me they're broke. There must be 50 guys from Camp Limon here in town.

Grover, Ritzig, Doberman, anybody. Get it to me.

Oh, this is a real dazzler, Hench. I don't want to spoil it now.

Hench, help me.

Mayday. Mayday.

Sorry to keep you waiting, dear, but I do want this to be a perfect evening.

Let's go on and sit down. My feet are killing me. But of course, sugar.

I think you'll like the Maison d 'Or. I find it to be San Francisco's finest

restaurant. I've never been here before.

Oh, my dear, it'll be a thrill to introduce you to the joys of gracious

la France.

Oh,

no, no, no, no. The booth. Try the booth, dear. I think we'll find that

more on team.

Here, here.

None of your continental impertinence. After you, my dear.

Splendid. No, no, no, no. We won't need a menu. I know just what we want. Very

well. Two cups of coffee.

Two cups of coffee? Yes, do you mind?

Oh, I see what upsets him. I seem to have offended his French pride.

Very well, Garcon. Have it your way.

Two demi -tats.

Very well.

Ernie, I'm starved. Oh, I think the band's about to play. Let's dance.

doing. I don't dance on an empty stomach.

Plus, Belko.

Let's not beat around the bush. If you're broke, level with me. I'll

Gosh, you are sweet. I was right about you.

I will level with you, my dear.

You see, all I have is a dollar and a half. You cheap fool!

Don't worry about me. I thought I was on a date, not a diet. Gloria, please

don't use words that we'll both regret.

Help is on the way.

Francis! Hello, Bilko.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

And am I glad to see you, boy. You sure look great. Look, Francis, I happen to

be a little short. Forget it, Bilko. You're as tall as you're ever going to

as far as I can see.

Just like Francis. Oh, he's judging. Look, old man, could you let me have 50

till tomorrow? Ten will do it, bro. Who's a lovely cook at Bilko? She looks

a debutante. I bet she is. Miss Paposky, I'd like to present Sergeant Gruber.

How are you?

Stark, how are you?

Sorry,

Bilko. Miss Popolsky, how would you like to share a rare filet mignon with me?

Rare? I wouldn't care if it was raw.

Gloria, you're not going to fall for that.

You can't, monsieur.

You sure can.

See that we get a good table.

What do you say, baby? A nice big juicy steak, golden French fries, pile of

mode? Now that's what I call a smooth line. So long, Diamond Jim. Gloria,

You're not going to leave me for him.

I have no choice. It's either him or Pelagra.

All right. All right. I won't forget this evening. With a little bit of luck.

Neither will I.

We'll be very happy.

Don't sign it. Of course, if you're a member of the diner's guild.

Diner's guild? Why didn't I think it up? What did you say? Down a half? Here you

are. Down a half, even.

Excuse me, I don't understand French. What are you saying?

Cheap bum.

Oh, yeah.

It's a lovely language.

How do you do with the application, Sarge? I'll be through in a minute.

see. Give two names for personal reference.

Corporal Rocco Barbella, Corporal Steve Henshaw. You boys don't mind, do you?

What's that, Sarge? I gave your names vouching for my character.

Oh, sure, it's all right, as long as I don't have to sign anything.

Here you are, sir. I believe I've answered all your questions.

Very well, Mr. Bilko. I hope you can rush my credit card through. You seem to

having dinner in an hour.

Oh, yes, I'm taking a sponge from the dinner. You see, even in the army, it's

not what you know, it's who you know. And I'd like the credit card as a

reference for my income tax purpose. Do you understand?

Sergeant Bilgo, I'm afraid it just isn't done that quickly. Ah, I understand.

Well, we'll say first thing tomorrow morning?

Oh, no. No, it'll take at least a week to process your application.

A week?

We're a very large organization.

Oh, yes, I understand. You see, I myself am a member of a large organization,

the Armed Forces of America.

Then we understand one another.

Of course we do. And you'll push it right through?

Well, you'll hear from us by mail, Sergeant.

By mail?

Well, come on. We mustn't keep the congressman waiting.

Mr.

Casey, I have an inquiry here about a soldier who used to be stationed at Fort

Baxter. What's his name?

Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko.

Bilko. Does that name ring a bell?

A bell?

That's a free alarm fire.

Send him one of these.

It tells the whole...

Sarge, I've

got a letter for you from the diner's guild. Well, it's about time. This is

Hank. This means no more embarrassing shortages on weekends before payday.

what does it say? We'll have it in a minute, buddy boy.

Dear Mr. Bilko, we regret to inform you that your application has been turned...

turned me down.

There is...

All right. Who's the stool pigeon?

Which one of you guys put in the zinger for me? Don't look at me, Sarge. I gave

you a sensational reference.

Me too. I told him you were a man of great integrity.

Oh, excuse me, boys. I didn't see it.

There's a P .S. here. What's it say? Please advise corporals Barbella and

Henshaw that we have decided not to press perjury charges.

There's a people in the diner's guild. I can't get in. Why? It's not fair.

Sure. How much damage could one rotten apple do?

If you can't blame them, Ernie, they're in business. That's right, Sarge. You

know what it is with soldiers. They ship from post to post, sent overseas.

What is it, Ernie? Did I say something?

Yes, sir.

There are 10 ,000 men at Dan Fremont, right?

$2 membership fee would come to $20 ,000.

Plus what we get from the restaurant owners in Grove City, huh? Put that all

together. What do you got, pal? What? The G, G, G. The G, G, G?

The G .I.

Scormay Guild.

You know something, boys? There will always be a warm spot in my heart for

Casa Alfredo. Why? Because in years to come, I will remember this was the first

Italian restaurant to sign up with our GGG.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Can I help you?

Oh, good afternoon. Oh, Rocco, as a fellow Italian -American, I think you

have the honor of welcoming Alfredo to our organization.

Benvenuto alla Casa Alfredo, come primo socio di questa società, the G .I.'s

Gourmet Guild. I don't understand.

Alfredo. How would you like to go about your business?

Sure, why not? Did I tell you he'd understand a golden opportunity?

Alfredo, there are 10 ,000 soldiers at Camp Fremont, right? Si. Now, these 10

,000 soldiers, they're usually broke.

Si. Now, suppose they have the urge to buy an Italian meal. They have no cash.

They cannot come here. So, you lose money.

That's right.

Well, with my little G .G .D., you let them sign the check, they pay me, and

then they pay you at the first of the month. Now, what do you say about that?

Arrivederci.

Just a moment. Who is this lovely girl? She is my wife. Oh, darn.

Rocco, you're Italian. Perhaps you can explain to me. Why is it your beautiful

women marry so early?

First it was Gina, then Sophia, and now... Maria.

It sings.

Oh, tell me. You sang it the last time.

Maria?

You're not Maria. Call us. Oh, shut up, you sweet mouth.

soldier wants, huh? Can

I

not?

Inspector, Inspector, Inspector Kitchen.

Hey, Ed, what is this anyway? I run a good, clean place. All done. I'll do all

the talking around here. What is this all about? It's a crackdown.

They're getting up a list of approved bars in Grove City.

And only those who pass the inspection will be allowed to extend credit to the

soldiers.

You might as well be off limits. Off limits? Look, your seat's okay, Sarge.

about the kitchen, Corporal? Not so good, Sarge. Kitchen needs a lot of

Sorry, Mike.

Hope you get a good price for this joint. Wait a minute, Sarge. This place

be scrubbed clean from top to bottom.

I'll put my mutter on the first thing in the morning.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid, Sarge. Come on, Sarge. Sarge, Sarge.

There I go. Just a softie at heart. No wonder I'll never make provost marshal.

I like you.

That was ten.

Hazel's diner. That's eleven.

And the blue grotto. That's twelve.

That's just the beginning. Once we get rolling, we'll tie up bowling alleys,

pool rooms, everything.

When are we going to start signing up the guys?

Right now.

is everybody.

Looks like they're gone.

I don't like it. What do you mean?

They're like animals. They smell danger even before I make my move.

What's wrong with you guys? Got nothing better to do but to play children's

games, playing hide -and -seek? It wasn't hide -and -seek. It's a new game

called Save Your Money.

This time you happen to be wrong.

This is not a touch. This is a plan to help you guys.

Okay, Bilko, we're listening.

Very simple. Now, every weekend, you fellows are broke, right?

Half the time you spend in town, you haven't got money to pay for food or for

drinks. Is that right? So?

Well, I'm going to see that that doesn't happen to you again. Don't tell me

you're putting in for a transfer.

The GI's Gourmet Guild is a break for you fellas. How does it work, Sarge?

simple. For a $2 membership fee, this entitles you to sign for food or for

in any restaurant in Grove City. You mean we just signed a tab?

Simple. Now, at the end of the month, you pay me, I, in turn, pay the various

restaurants. In other words, you are handling our money.

Uh -huh. Now, there's a small service... Here, freeze!

I'm trying to help you go through this. Why? Why do I have to...

All right, explain to me. I have an open mind. What is wrong with this deal?

Please tell me. What is wrong?

One at a time.

In the first place, we don't trust you with our money. In the second place, we

can't afford to eat out whether we charge it or not. And in the third

don't trust you with our money. Fender said that once. Yeah, but it's an

important point.

Hey,

tell Paul.

I got one. I got one.

The minute they smell free food, they stampede. Boy, if you could get them to

eat like that in town, you'd make a fortune.

Don't worry.

They'll be happy to eat until I want to hear about the epidemic of Hungarian

hives. Hungarian hives? What's that?

It's a highly contagious disease about to strike a well -known Hungarian cook

named Rupert Ritzig. What's the main symptom? Brown spots all over your face.

What causes it?

Brown shoe polish. What else?

Rupert! Rupert! Congratulations! You won! You won!

Peter, look, we're busy. Get this picture. Get down here.

Take it. Great.

Hey, what's this all about? Didn't you hear about it? You won. You won. The

Times has designated you Army Cook of the Year.

Who, me?

Yes, you.

Oh. Oh.

Army Cook of the Year. I made it. I made it.

Listen to this.

For culinary services performed above and beyond the call of duty, Mess

Rupert Ritzig is hereby awarded this scroll of honor, designating him Army

of the Year.

Hooray!

Can I have that scroll?

Oh, no, I'm going to have it trained for you. Come on, we promised you how many

times we'd get some pictures. Now, let me see now.

What is your favorite pose? How's this? No, no, give me a profile. Look, this

way.

No, no, keep it that way. Now, be sure you get it all in. You know what I mean?

I want the sweep of that noble cheekbone.

You got it?

Now, you know what I want here?

I want... See the high cheekbone? Very important.

Sounds brilliant.

You got that?

Good boy, now.

Now, sweep up so we get the noble sweep of this wonderful forehead.

And the nose.

And the strong chin. Let's see that.

Good boy. Get that right over to the army office right away. I don't know.

move it.

Oh, my. Proud of you, Rupert. Proud of you. Well, Master Chef, what little

concoction have you prepared for us this evening? Oh, a chip, beef, or toast.

Proud.

Hey,

sit here.

Sit over here.

Hey, what's the matter with Henshaw and Rocco? Aren't they eating tonight?

Aren't they eating?

You must be kidding.

Haven't you heard? Heard? Heard what? What?

Rocco and Hench are in a hospital.

In a hospital? What happened, Sarge? What's the matter with them?

They've got Hungarian hives. Hungarian hives? Shut up.

You want to do Peter Panic around here? I never heard of Hungarian hives.

Believe me, you can be lucky you never heard of it. Poor Rocco. He's got 106

fever and brown spots all over his face.

How did he get it? I don't know. The doctors know too much about it other

it's a disease and it's transmitted through food bacteria.

Oh, cut it out, Sarge. You're ruining my...

What's the matter with his face? It's covered with brown spots.

He's got Hungarian eyes.

He was with you guys anyway.

Congratulations,

Robert. What did I do? You just helped launch the G .I. Gourmet Guild. You

be able to get in the restaurant in Grove City for months.

What are you talking about, Bilko? Never mind, you won't understand, but wash

your face. How's the look for the army cook of the year walking around with a

dirty face? Come on, wash it.

Let's hear the first month's report.

Finish the second, Sergeant.

Wow! Wow?

What is it? Let me hear it. Members of the G .I. Gourmet's Guild signed tabs

this month amounting to $6 ,000.

Let me hear it again. $6 ,000. That's beautiful music.

Six percent. Our commission comes to $360.

That means that we owe the restaurants $5 ,640.

Ernie, we've got to pay the restaurant.

Of course. Well, first we've got to collect from the men, then the

get paid. Look, I don't like being hounded by shopkeepers. They'll be paid

the first of the month. But, Ernie, this is the fifth.

Sarge, how are we going to collect this money?

With pleasure.

Now, pay attention. I'll show you how Operation Payday works.

Rock, most of our members are concentrated into three battalions,

right. You collect from the infantry battalion. You collect from the tank

battalion. And I'll get the artillery battalion.

All right, let's synchronize watches.

Dick! All right, gentlemen, we hit them at six o 'clock in the morning.

They'll be too sleepy to make excuses. All right, let's move.

Wake up!

Sarge, wake up! Wake up! What is it? Sarge, they're gone.

Who's gone? The tank battalion, the artillery battalion, the infantry

Why do you bother me with army matters? I'm a businessman.

Most of our members are gone.

Gone?

Did you say the members are gone? That's right, Sergeant. We won't be able to

collect the scent. Where'd they go?

Surprise war games. They pulled out before dawn.

War games?

Why doesn't somebody tell me these things? What am I, a Russian spy or

something?

Mr.

Sergeant, what are we going to do?

Will you stop panicking? These things happen in business.

On an afternoon, I'll slow down on the restaurant orders and I'll explain it to

them. You don't have to go down there. They're right outside.

Here? At six o 'clock in the morning? What do they want? Their money or your

life. Oh, really?

Where's the dignity and the calm? Is there nothing left in big business? I

have it, I tell you. Follow me.

Where do you think you're going?

I'll process your breath there.

Where's our money? You're six days late. Money? Rocko, didn't you send them

their money? I won't have it. That's gross inefficiency. I want to talk to

Come with me. Just a minute.

And I'm going to say it again for the last time. We want our money today.

That's all. Make it out of that. Now, Bilko, our money. If we do not get it

today, we go to the colonel. I know nothing. We are going right to the DA.

Especially what does that mean, DA? Well, then maybe you know what this

Yes. We need to get your money in 24 hours, I promise.

Okay, Bilko. You got 24 hours. And not one minute more.

Okay. Alfredo, how is your lovely wife? She's black and blue. Come on.

Which I got to look forward to?

First I'm going to get beaten up and then I come to less than jail.

Where are we going to find the guys, Ernie? They may be gone for two weeks.

We'll have to go out in the field and collect.

Yeah, but they left them to sealed orders. We don't even know where they

We've got to do something. Did you see that fist? One finger would lay me low

for a year. Well, then you better think of something. I'm thinking, I'm

thinking. I got it.

Sacramento. Is that where you are? No, that's where I'm going to be hiding out.

Sarge, there's an officer outside to see you. An officer already?

I thought they gave me 24 hours. I think he's an Englishman. Hey, yeah.

Stand easy, you chaps. Thank you, sir. Anything we can do for you, sir? Yes, I

say, I wonder if you could give me some directions.

Directions, sir? Yes, I'm Lieutenant Colonel Mackridge of the British Army,

I'm here to observe your war games.

War games?

Yes, sir. I'm a bit lost. I wonder if you could direct me to a little spot

called Desert Ridge.

Desert Ridge?

Yes, sir. Of course. Are you acquainted with Highway 1, sir? Actually, yes. Oh,

splendid. Continue south on Highway 1 and you can't miss it. South on Highway

That's fine. Well, I must rush now because I'm late already. Thank you,

Thanks very much. Pleasure, sir.

Why did you send them south? Desert Ridge is north.

I'm going north, pal.

We're going to Desert Ridge to collect us. No, no, they'll be too scattered.

going to get them all back here to Camp Fremont. Sure, but how?

I'll get them back here, or my name is not Lieutenant Colonel Mackridge.

Lieutenant Colonel Mackridge of the 7th Grenadier's Department.

Sir.

Glad to have you with us, Mackridge.

I'm General Putnam.

Delighted, sir.

Terribly sorry to be late, but I seem to have run out of tension.

And you know what a beastly boy that can be. I should be a good dean. Have I

missed anything, sir? Gentlemen, this is Lieutenant Colonel Mackridge of Her

Majesty's Forces. Chaps!

And this is Colonel René St. Augustine, acting as an observer for the French

Army. Mon capitaine enchanté.

It's been years since I've crossed the channel. I think the last name is

available. It was a bloody good show, you know. Well, I say, General Cotton,

don't we hear?

Well, this is our situation, Matt. Would you like me to review my strategy?

Say, there's a good fellow to do that. Won't you?

Well, now, uh... We're the blue force. My favorite colonel. Well,

our strategy is to throw the enemy off balance with a diversionary move. The

classic maneuver used by Field Marshal Montgomery.

Oh, I say, Monty would have liked you, sir. Well,

our infantry moves in here.

And our artillery comes in this way.

Oh, I say, when he could have used you during the crisis, I'll be in.

Well, the enemy comes out from the north now, completely unaware of my armored

column. And smash!

I hope you've got them. Good move, I hope. All of this was accomplished by

painting out and then withdrawing from Camp Fremont. Say, that is good, you

know.

Anything wrong?

Well, I wouldn't say. I mean, history need not repeat itself. I mean, but that

was a sacrifice, you know. Oh, what a disaster.

What do you mean, sir?

Well, the very division they removed that caused Napoleon. The Battle of

Waterloo. However, it might work this time, perhaps.

I don't understand. This looks like a perfectly sound maneuver, strategically

speaking. Of course it does, sir, and so it seems to Napoleon.

However, as he was crossing over, he came to this town where you have this

Fremont. Instead, he came up a clopper with this little penstown called

Vichyssoise.

Vichyssoise? Well, it's a good show. You see, that's when Wellington glows in

his pinches and nipped him in his unprotected beard.

What would you do, Colonel?

Oh. I'm just an observer. I wouldn't presume, sir. Oh, no, no, no. Macritch,

please feel free to speak. Isn't that right, gentlemen? Yes.

All right, gentlemen. I would do exactly what Alexander the Great would have

done. The unexpected, sir.

May I hear the statement?

All right, here, sir. Were you intent to withdraw your forces from Camp Fremont?

I would do exactly the opposite.

Bring up every available man and send them here at Camp Fremont. Oh, yes. They

don't expect that. Bring up all forces. Hit them with a brutal attack in the

front lines.

Hit, hit, hit, hit. Sweep up from the south. Sweep down from the north. A

bit in front.

Oh, look at this old fox. General Puffin, that's the very move you

do. Now speak up. Vessable.

Gentlemen, there's been a change in strategy.

Instead of a diversionary move, we'll throw every man we've got into Camp

Fremont. Good show. My joke, don't forget, General. Hit them. Smash, smash.

Britannia.

80,

85, 90, 95, 300. There you are, Mike.

Thanks, Wilco. And here you are.

Okay. Well, gentlemen, that's a 12th one.

There is the end of the G .I.'s Gourmet Guild.

Gee, it was such a great idea. I mean, what went wrong?

Sarge, how does the Dinah's Guild do it? Simple. By keeping out deadbeats like

me.

Don't give me a spot of brandy.

Oh, hello there, Sarge. How are you, sir? I'm afraid I made a bit of a mess

your directions.

Oh, that's a rum go. Did you miss the war game, sir? Yes, most of them.

I was on hand to witness the Battle of Camp Fremont. Good show. Did you find it

interesting, sir? Oh, rather.

One thing puzzles me, though. What is that there?

How did you chaps beat us in 1776?

Also seen in tonight's cast were Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Augusta Marigi

Maria, Joseph Collini as Alfredo, Al Lewis as Mike, George Turner as General

McRidge, Al Hodge as General Putnam, Marcel Hilaire as the waiter, Dorothy

Dolliver as Gloria, and Bruce Brighton as Mr. Wilson.