Original subtitles

Because of tonight's Phil Silver special, immediately following the

Silver show presented by the R .J. Reynolds Tobacco Company and the Luxe

Playhouse, brought to you by Lever Brothers, will not be seen. They will

next week at their usual times on most of these stations.

The Pontiac Star Parade, brought to you by Pontiac and your authorized Pontiac

dealer. who proudly sell the beautiful 59 pontiac america's number one road car

present for january phil silvers in keep in step

also starring diana doors and paul ford and special guest star sydney chaplin

That's a nice beginning.

Nice to be back again for the Pontiac people. And isn't this a wonderful car?

Say, I hope the show is good tonight because I have a hunch if it isn't,

take the car back.

And I've grown to love it. Look what they did for me. Listen to this horn.

Isn't that great? It's me. They've captured the real me.

Well, should we get on with it?

On with the wind.

No.

On with the place.

On with the show.

Hooray, hooray, hooray for Hollywood.

The people always having lots of fun there around.

Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut. Oh, come on. Salud.

Where's the fire? Where's the spirit? Don't you know you're supposed to be a

group of carefree, happy -go -lucky playboys now? Where's the elegance?

the savoir -faire? Where's the gaiety? Is that so hard?

It's almost impossible after three hours of latrine duty. All right, Spencer, no

more food.

Wishes I don't need now. Come on. Let's work on it. We only got two days before

we open.

Have you forgotten I promised the Colonel this is going to be the greatest

show that Camp Fremont has ever seen? An extravaganza? Some extravaganza. Shock

theater with music. I heard that.

One more crack out of you, I'll see that you never work in show business again.

Promise me. Oh, shut up. I'm going to do it from the top. Now, look at that.

All right, girls.

Stop primping. We're taking the number from the top.

Beauties of the silver screen and sugar. Watch the temples, will you? Don't rush

the actors, will you, please? From the top. One, and two, and.

to serenade the lovely ladies we adore.

The lovely ladies of a bygone day, a bygone day.

They used to entertain us on the silver strings of yore. I'd like to join you

fellows, if I may.

Let's take a little sentimental stroll down memory lane and see those cinemamas

once again.

again who can set my heart on fire and fill me with a man's desire

those lovely beauties of the silver screen who could

make me wreck my life desert my kids and leave my wife those lovely beauties

of the silver screen

Heaven seems much nearer when I look at Norma's chair. And when Greta Garbo

speaks, the world is green.

Green with envy, who could make me jump for joy? And make me glad that I'm a

boy? Ask me and I'll tell you who I mean.

Those facts are hailing beauties of the children's dreams.

Beauty is a fleeting thing. It wasn't meant to last.

Too soon it disappears into the void.

But we could keep our memories of those beauties of the past as long as they're

preserved and celluloid.

Romeo had Juliet.

Red Butler had Scarlet O 'Hara.

King Kong had Fay Wray. But we, we've got Vita Farrah!

a pinnacle, a hardest, purest throw.

A bashful eye, she never played the top.

How soon we'd forgotten those golden days of long ago, when Mary Pickpock was

America's sweetheart.

This lady was the best.

Who remembers what Horace Greeley said?

There you are, young man. There you are.

Just like the bathtub gin they sold, Clara's wiggle wasn't legal.

We jumped for joy because my mother had a boy.

Ask me and I'll tell you who I mean.

Those bachelor ladies.

Aren't they lovely?

Take a look at that. Aren't they gorgeous?

Look at those lovely ladies.

Is that a feeling of nostalgia in it? What? I don't know, Sarge. I don't know.

don't know. What's wrong?

Well, the colonel appropriated money for real girls, the real entertainers. I

think he's going to be sore.

Oh, you.

Use your imagination.

Hensher, how did it feel to you? Like 30 days in the guardhouse.

Why didn't you think of that before I brewed the money for this show on a six

-horse parley? Now you're becoming a conscience -stricken man.

All right.

The whole number. All over again.

Oh, no, you don't, Bilko.

Colonel. Oh, well, we just got through rehearsing, sir.

Kill the scenery. Get the lights off. All right, girls, watch those costumes.

Hold it, men!

Sir, it's a little rough in spots, but it's a lovely number, sir. I'm sorry you

missed it. I didn't miss a thing, Belko.

You didn't?

Where were you, sir? In the worst place possible.

Out front.

Well, sir, believe me, we'll work on it, sir, and you'll never know this number.

It'll have such a lift to it, sir. You'll be so proud. I saw the whole ugly

mess. And that goes for Mary Pickford, Peter Barra, and who are you?

Bridget Vardo, sir.

Are you wearing any yellow? No, just a bikini, sir.

When we smooth the number out, you'll be so proud. The men in the cab will be

talking about this for days. Bilko, I appropriated funds for you to hire

professional entertainers. Where's the money, Bilko? Well, so, this same show

with subdued lighting would be such a thrill to the people. Where's the money,

Bilko? Maybe so, when they see the prancing and the dancing, they're

Where's the money, Bilko?

One question at a time, sir.

Bilko, I'm not only calling this show off. I'm going to see to it that you pay

back that money out of your salary.

Sir, I'm sure you'll reconsider. No, I've had enough.

From now on, show business is out of bounds at Camp Fremont.

And you, beauties of the silver screen, back to the motor pool.

Everybody's a critic.

I guarantee he wouldn't yell this way at the theater guild.

Now what are we going to do?

Todd, now what are we... Stop! He's getting an idea.

1971. What's that, Ernie? That's how long it'll take me to pay the money

Hey, Ernie, where do you see the ad for the show? It's on the front page of the

camp newspaper. Get this.

Bilko's Brevity, the gay, witty, scintillating, topical review featuring

most beautiful girls of the Golden West.

Pretty good, huh?

You know, Sarge, I'd go to see that show if I hadn't already seen it. Oh, shut

up. Hey, Sarge, if you had him, your worries would be over. Him? Who him? Who

him? Him, Lanny Langford. Listen to this. Lanny Langford, writer, director,

star of the smash musical Melody Man, has been recalled to active duty to

participate in a new army recruiting drive.

He will star his tour of duty in San Francisco on the 16th.

When's the 16th? Tomorrow.

Gentlemen, I hope you're prepared to welcome Private Lanny Langford to the

Campfield Motor Platoon.

Yeah, Fremont, but Sarge, it says he's going on a recruiting tour. Wrong.

I'm going on a recruiting tour, and Langford is going to be my first

I get it, Sarge. He's going to be the star of Bilko's Brevity. This shoddy

little farce, are you kidding?

Langford's going to star in the greatest soldier show since this is the Army, a

show worthy of his great name, Bilko's Folly.

What floor is the Lenny Langford dress conference on?

12th floor, this elevator, please.

Sodge.

Sodge. Do you think it'll work?

Not if you keep calling me Sodge.

Name is Holloway.

Lucius Holloway. San Francisco correspondent from Playboy magazine.

Remember that.

Got enough flashbulbs? Yes, Luscious.

Lucius. Luscious.

Shake hands. Yeah, that's good. Great.

General, could you put your arm around Lenny?

Okay, boys, that ought to do it.

Look, any of you folks care for a drink? Now, just help yourselves.

Listen, I think we'd better get on with the interview. We've got a deadline to

meet you now. Yeah, let's all sit down and make ourselves comfortable, huh?

It's all yours. Just fire away.

Well, Mr. Lankford, how do you feel about being recalled to Army duty?

Well, the Army's asked me to do a pretty big job. I just hope I live up to their

expectations.

Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the Lanny Lankford press

Well, this is it.

Oh, splendid.

I'm Halloway. Labor magazine, circulation, three million.

Oh, just sit down, Mr. Halloway. Hi there, Lanny.

Greetings from Playboy's three million readers.

No, not him, sir.

How's everybody?

Roll the presses. That's 30 for the night. I love the expressions we use in

newspaper, what we hear.

Nellie Bly, good to see you. How's everybody?

Don't let me hold up anything. Fire away.

Will you be getting a commission, Mr. Langford? No, no, the Army feels I'll be

more effective in recruiting if I'm just an ordinary private. Isn't that right,

General? That's right, Lenny.

Holloway, Playboy, I have a question.

Fire away.

Where will you be stationed?

I think I can answer that, Holloway.

Private Langford will be stationed with me in Washington.

Bravo, General.

That takes real courage.

What do you mean?

Well, a less courageous general would be afraid of being accused of favoritism.

His first impulse would be to make a play for a good press by sending a

celebrity like Lankford to some remote post like Germany or Camp Fremont. But

not you, sir.

Well, I didn't think... Let the yellow press cry favoritism. I'll protect you,

sir and playboy, if it means tearing out a pinup.

and I have a question.

Have you noticed that this is a tank for starting?

Have you noticed?

Yes, I know your question. You want to know why is General Wilson sending

Private Langford to a plush hotel suite in Washington, D .C., when ordinary

privates live 40 to a barrack in Camp Tremont? Is that your question?

That wasn't the question, but it's a good point.

Oh,

let a minute lie me.

You don't have to qualify yourself for these eager beaver scandal mongers. If

you want to wear Brooks Brothers custom -made uniform, that's your privilege as

a pampered American president. Brooks Brothers uniform!

What?

What? Who said that? Who said draft doctor?

Draft doctor?

Do these people and by George, I'll be a witness to you in any court in the

land. What's going on here? That's what we'd like to know, General. Do we have a

democratic army or not?

Just a minute.

Must I remind you you're talking to a general of the United States Army?

Just a moment.

Sir, what these journalistic jackals want to know is simply this.

Is Langford going to spend his time at the deluxe Stadler Hotel in Washington

in an ordinary bunk like any other soldier at Camp Tremont?

Now, just a darn moment.

Now, sir, even though your career hangs in the balance, I know you will answer

with characteristic courage.

Ladies and gentlemen of the... Would you speak a little slower? You're taking

shorthand here. I want this all down. Go right ahead, sir. There is no question

in my mind that Private Langford is going to be sent to Camp Fremont

immediately. Camp Fremont? That's a scoop! Wait a minute. General, listen.

What about the recruiting?

Why, I think, there's no room in the army for troublemakers.

Troublemakers?

The moment they heard that Lanny Langford was on his way here, the wax

wild, sir. It's really disgraceful. It certainly is. Grown women acting like

scatterbrained kids.

John. Oh, hello, Mrs. Hall.

Nell, what are you doing here?

John, has Lanny Langford arrived yet? I want to invite him to dinner. Oh, Nell,

not you too.

But John, he's so cute. Nell, I'll see you at home. I'm very busy. John, you

will. I know exactly what he likes to eat. I found it all in the fan magazine.

I'll see you later.

I'll see you later.

I've never seen women carry on this way, sir. The worst is yet to come. What do

you mean, sir? You'll see. Wait until Bilko's fan club swings into action.

We're in luck, sir. It's only 11 o 'clock.

You're right.

He won't be up for another two hours.

By that time, we can have Langford processed and hard at work.

Come in.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything, sir, but this is an emergency, sir. It

must be to get you up before noon.

Oh, sir, you retain such a sparkling wit. But, sir, there's a crisis, sir, a

crisis at the motor pool. What's happened now, Bilko? One of my key men

injured, sir, and I must have an immediate replacement, if you please,

sorry, Bilko, there's nobody available.

Well, anyone will do. The greenest recruit out of even this chap here,

Blonnie Langman, sir.

Bilko, you do as well as I do. It's not Blonnie Langman, it's Lenny Langford.

Well, it doesn't matter. The name means nothing to me. All I know is that poor

paparelli, sir. He's in agony.

Come in, Dino.

Dino.

Sir,

would you believe it? A few months ago, this boy, this boy was the Artie Murphy

of the grease gun, sir.

And now, now that shattered hand will never lift the hood again, sir.

Please, sir, give me a replacement and let this veteran get the rest he so

rarely needs, sir.

Sarge, please don't send me away. Maybe I can learn to hold a screwdriver in my

teeth.

Rest. Rest, brave warrior, rest.

You'll campaign no more.

Paparelli, I'm sorry you're hurt. You have 30 days sick leave coming if you'll

just sign this paper.

Oh, yes, sir. I'll get to it. What are you doing?

Get out of here, Paparelli, while you're still among the mocking moon.

You, you, you. You're a goldbreaker.

It's a hulk. I'm no part of it. Get out of here. I just told him.

Out, out, out, out, out.

So far.

He repulsed the first wave.

Oh, but he'll strike again, sir.

Where can we put Langford so that Bilko can't get his hands on him?

At the moment, I say we should store him at Fort Knox.

Come in.

And we're going to settle this in front of the colonel once and for all. Emma,

please, the colonel's busy. Oh, you'll have to forgive her, sir. She hasn't

herself for the last ten years. Oh, shut up.

Oh, shut up.

What's this all about?

It's about Bilko's poker game. That's what it's all about.

Colonel, in the last three weeks, he's lost his paycheck, our silverware, my

mother's pearl earrings, everything he can lift, he's bet. Emma. Oh, don't you,

Emma, me.

You bet everything else, bet me. Look, I'm a $5 poker chip. Bet me. You lose

everything else, you lose me.

I ain't got that kind of luck.

Oh.

Now you know the way he talks to me. Please, please, Mrs. Rissinger, there

be some way to settle this. Yeah, in Madison Square Garden.

I'll show everybody.

Look, everybody. You want to see the way my husband hits me?

Mrs. Ritzig, I've had a very trying morning.

What do you want me to do? I want you to keep Bilko out of my sight, out of my

house, and out of my pocketbook. That's what I want.

Very well. Sergeant Ritzig, from now on, I want you to keep away from Bilko.

You're not to play poker with him. You're not to talk to him. That's an

Thank you, Colonel. You're just wonderful, and I can kiss you.

Don't. You've upset him enough already.

Grant George, I think I've solved the problem of how to put Blankford out of

Bilko's reach. I'll put him in Ritzik's platoon, and I'll quarter him in

Ritzik's house.

I see your strategy, sir. Bilko won't be able to reach Ritzik during the day,

and he won't get past Mrs. Ritzik at night.

That's it.

I'm frightened, Lance. I'm frightened, Parker.

But why, sir?

I'm beginning to think like Bilko.

I can only end up in one of two places.

Chief of Staff or Alcatraz.