Original subtitles

Here I am!

Here I am!

Come on, it's got to stop. These scenes, these scandals, these marriages. Lots

of stars have been married five times. Not in six months, they haven't.

Come on, Donners, what do you want me to do, play canaster?

This bad publicity is ruining us. The studio spent a fortune on this picture.

hated it. Honey, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms, a classic, and this is the first

time it's ever been done as a musical. So you've got to cooperate. Tell us,

Smitty. Well, we're starting a publicity campaign.

For the opening stunt, we've had you elected sweetheart of Camp Remus.

patriotic. And next Saturday night, we've arranged for a personal appearance

you when they preview your picture at Camp Remus. Saturday night? I got a

And that's another thing. No more dates unless they're simple, wholesome

American types.

What am I supposed to do? Go study with Gabby Hayes? Come on. I'm always

thinking of your career. Just let me get a few pictures in the newspapers of you

surrounded by simple, clean -cut young soldiers.

I could go shower up for one or two weeks. Hey, give me a booze, somebody.

Again.

Did I have a dream about her last night?

Banda, you're a married man.

We're the ones who do the most dreaming.

Hold it down in here, will you?

What's going on here?

She'll be here Saturday night.

Monica Malamore.

Hollywood's a refreshable madcap.

Monica Malamore.

This? This is what you're screaming about?

This is what you want? This publicity mad dame? This dame who gets married

week? This dame who gets romanced by every phony who comes to town? This man

-chasing, man -crazy dame? This is what you want?

Yes.

If it was up to guys like you, Greer Gosselin would be an unknown.

What's that?

They think that Monica Malamar's coming here to entertain them. What is she

coming for, Annie?

For a dry cleaning.

She's gotten such bad publicity, they think they'll clean her up by having her

entertain a group of G .I .s. It brings me up.

What are you getting so sore about?

The thing that I have to play the wide -eyed, innocent G .I. for Miss Monica

Malamar. You, Sarge?

Of course. They always take on some G .I. Give them the full treatment, you

know. The cheek -to -cheek dancing, the free dinner, the champagne.

Well, I suppose I'll have to go through with it.

Thanks for protecting us from all that ecstasy.

What makes you so sure you're going to be the one? Because Captain Barker told

me so.

Yeah? When did he say that?

About ten minutes from now.

Oh, yes, I'll be the one.

Captain Barker probably made up his mind to do that himself already. I find that

very insulting.

What? Captain Barker making up his own mind.

Come on.

Ah, good afternoon, Captain.

Oh, Bilko, I'm glad you're here.

Oh? Anything I can do for you, sir? Yes, I'd like you to have a staff car ready

for my use at six o 'clock tomorrow evening.

Saturday evening, sir?

That is, if you don't mind my using the staff car for official business.

The captain has a wonderful sense of humor, sir. That is enough, Bilko.

Remember, now I want that car at six o 'clock sharp. Yes, sir. The captain will

be away for the weekend, sir?

No, Bilko, I just have to run into Grove City to pick up Monica Malamar.

Monica Malamar, sir? You're going to pick her up personally, sir?

Of course. Anything wrong?

Well, it's none of my business, perhaps, sir, but I was just wondering about the

advisability of you being seen with such a notorious personality just when

you're about to become a major, sir. I'm only going to pick her up at the hotel,

Bill Cole. Yes, that's what Colonel Wilson said.

At his court, Marshal, sir. And Colonel Wilson? Well, it's Private Wilson now,

sir.

But she had had a little too much of the old red -eye, you know. Well, you

probably read about it in Confidential, sir. Six o 'clock. Staff guy, yes, sir.

Just a minute, sir.

Are you doing anything Saturday night? Me? Oh, sir, not me, sir. You see, I'm

going with a very respectable girl, sir. She's a librarian, sir. Nevertheless.

But,

sir. Yes, sir. That's an order. Yes, sir.

Oh, sir, don't understand.

I don't know how I let myself get talked into this. I hit town, a miserable army

post, a crummy hotel room. Look, I did the best I could. This is the royal

suite. Then you better open a window. The last worldly to stay here must have

been King Kong. I know. I need the favorable publicity. Let's get it over

Good. Now, in a few minutes, a guy from Camp Fremont will be here to drive us

out to the post. I'm ready. I just have to put my belt on. Monica, I know these

soldiers aren't the type of men you're used to. So?

So watch your language.

This is our room. Give me your hat. Right. You got the autographed book?

a minute.

Well, sir?

They want to see a typical wide -eyed G .I.? I'll see that they're not let down.

You guys better blow. Right, sir.

Miss Malamont, my name is Ernest Bilger. On behalf of the men of Count

Freeman... Oh, excuse me. My glasses always steam up when I get excited.

You're just slipping into a dress. Oh, well, I'd better wait outside on the

sidewalk.

You're very shy, aren't you, Sergeant? Gee whittikins, who wouldn't be shy?

Shucks, meeting a great big shot.

Sergeant, would you mind waiting here for a minute?

I'll see if Monica's ready. Yes, sir.

Monica. Monica, I've got it. I've got it. What? The topper to this whole

publicity campaign.

It'll make headlines. The squares will eat it up. Let's have it. A romance with

a plain, ordinary G .I. Joe.

Liddy, are you kidding?

Listen, a serious romance with a wholesome American soldier will get the

back on your side. And you found him? He's outside in the hall right now. Oh,

he's not much to look at, but that'll make a better story. He's shy, he wears

glasses, and he's got a great big crush on you.

I'm nauseous.

Play along.

Make up to him and I guarantee your career will really zoom. How long is

great romance last? Just a couple of weeks and then we'll dump him.

Okay, let's get it over with.

Make it good now, huh?

Come right in, Sergeant.

Sergeant?

I want you to meet Sergeant Ennis Pilgrim. He's come to drive us out to

camp.

I'm sorry. I'm so glad to meet you, Ernie.

I... I brought you some flowers.

They're lovely.

My, you're a child.

Will you two kids excuse me a moment? Oh, Mr.

Donko, I... Won't you sit down, Ernie? Yes.

Miss Malamar, would you... Would you... Would you sign my autograph

book?

Yes. All my very big favorites are in there. Would you sign between... Between

my gym teacher and Art Linkletter? I'd love to.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Thank you very much.

Now then, tell me all about yourself.

Oh, nothing to tell. I'm in the army, and, well, I'm 34 years

old, and I'm in charge of the motor pool at Camp Fremont, and, well,

every morning I'm down there in that grease pit.

My, you've had a fascinating career.

It has been fun.

Look at all those decorations.

Aren't you lucky to have such a big chair for the gentleman?

Where did you get this from?

Oh, oh, oh, that's my good conduct medal.

It figures.

Oh, this one here. I got that when I was in the hospital.

Oh, you poor boy.

Were you hurt badly? Were you wounded in the head?

In the chest?

The left?

So soon?

Ready to go, kids?

Now, say, Ernie, after Monica finishes her show, how'd you like to have dinner

with her? Oh, shucks. Golly, gee, I only got $1 .15 with me. Oh, don't worry

about the money. We'll take care of everything.

Oh, gosh, wait till I write Mom and tell her about this.

Well, shall we go?

And it really worked, Ernie. Oh,

perfect.

After the show, we drove to San Francisco and Monica's Jaguar. And from

it was one nightclub after another. Just like you figured. Oh, it worked

perfect. I gave him that. Oh, shucks. Gee willikers, Miss Malabar. Such a big

movie star like you. I played the country bumpkin till the last cab was

You know what happened? It was a lot of fun. Fun for me. They got that

publicity. Nobody was hurt.

Hey, Sarge.

There's a civilian here to see you. Civilian?

All right, show him in.

Cheek to cheek.

Which cheek, Sarge? This one?

Get out of here.

Hi, Bilko.

Mr. Smith, what are you doing here? Bilko, can I speak to you for a moment?

In private.

Sure, sure.

Boy, leave us alone, will you? I had a good time last night. Bilko, why did you

do it? Why? Why?

Do what?

Oh, come on, Bilko. Why did you turn on a charm?

What are you talking about?

Oh, Bilko, isn't she mixed up enough without getting involved?

Who? Who's mixed up? What?

Bilko, Monica Malamar is in love with you.

Look, all I did was dance.

In love with me?

Skip the modesty, Bilko. You're a clean -cut, wholesome guy.

After all the bum she's known, you must have known she'd go for you.

Why, you're a breath of fresh air.

Monica Malamar in love with me? Yes, and that's why I'm here.

Give the kid a break, Bilko.

Don't follow her to Hollywood.

Don't haunt her apartment at the Sunset Towers. But stay awake.

If you have any feeling for this girl, you'll stay out of her life.

Hey, Ernie, what do you want?

What gives, Sarge?

I... Monica Malamont is in love with me.

In love with you?

Yeah. I wonder where that happened.

But, Ernie, you were playing that goofy character. She wouldn't go for that. Oh,

yeah? Don't sell her shut, buddy boy.

She saw right through that Clem Cadiddlehopper and fell in love with the

me. You?

What would she see in you?

You wouldn't ask such a stupid question. If you could see me through a woman's

eyes, you'd understand.

But, Ernie, Monica Malamar, a big movie star, and you, it doesn't make sense.

Oh, no? Did Romeo and Juliet make sense?

Did the Duke of Windsor and Wally make sense? And how about Arthur Miller and

Marilyn Monroe? Yeah, but Sarge, listen.

You really... Please, please.

Oh, what?

A woman falls in love. You can't find these things at the chemical age. She

falls in love. That's all there is to it. But listen, Sarge, you said yourself

she's a man -crazy, man -chasing dame. Oh.

Talk that way about the woman who was in love with me.

Love? I hardly know what you mean, love.

Like her? Yes, but love. Come on, Hank. But what's the big fuss about? Don't you

understand? This poor girl's been surrounded by sham, by phonies. She

someone to drive her Jaguar, take her dancing, dance cheap, to drink

Good heavens, it's the least I can do for her.

Let's go.

That's right, J .P. He went for it hook, line, and sinker. Had Monica and a

photographer waiting for him at the airport.

When? Come on.

In about two hours, he's on his way.

Monica Malamar's romance with smiling Ernie Bilko seems to be the real thing.

We're all pleased that Monica found Mr.

Right at last. I don't care. I can't stand him. I can't stand him another

minute. He's been here a week and I'm going out of my mind. On the set, in my

dressing room, in my apartment. Calm down, Monica. The press reaction's been

sensational. Look. I don't care.

motion picture star and a simple, wholesome American soldier.

Simple, wholesome? Have you seen him since he came to Hollywood? Do you know

much he's changed?

Hello,

hello, hello!

Hello, hello, hello.

Call me Ernst. Monica, baby, you look positively delectable.

I'll talk to you in a minute. I just saw yesterday's rushes on Monica's latest

flicker. Brutal! Brutal! We'll have to do them all over again. Bill told you,

realize that a shooting costs $30 ,000.

Sweetie, don't quibble with me with pennies when there's a girl's career at

stake. Sugar, in the close -ups, they murdered you.

Will you hold the calls? We're in conference.

J .P., I've decided to fix that ending. The final scene, I've changed it

completely. Here's the way it is.

Monica and her lover are sitting on the stoops of this tenement, surrounded by

garbage cans.

Realism. You know what I mean? Realism.

Can I want garbage cans? Vilco, are you out of your mind? In this picture,

Monica's supposed to be a Park Avenue debutante.

Sweetie, that's not the real Monica.

Vilco, I've been in this business all my life. I discovered Monica.

I'm glad you mentioned that, but look at her contract, J .P. We'll have to

renegotiate. Vilco, that's none of your business.

Oh, isn't it? You've exploited this young lady long enough.

From now on, this child is going to get $400 ,000 a picture as against 10 % of

the gross. How does that sound?

This is utterly ridiculous. Monica, tell this clown where to get off. With

pleasure, J .D.

Ernie, you're the most conniving heel I ever met.

And the most wonderful.

Monica, what are you saying?

I'm not saying anything from now on. Ernie does all my talking. Oh, thank

baby, for the green light. Look, if you don't agree to our terms, honey, we can

always go independent.

How does this sound?

Biltgold, Malamar Productions Incorporated. Howard.

Look at the lovebirds. What do you say to that, J .D.? You're fired.

J .P., we'll be gone a couple of hours. Meanwhile, you can mull over Monica's

new contract.

Come, sugar. The Jaguars double pot.

See ya.

Looks like I created another prank. Of course, Paul. I've never had such a big

mouth. Smitty, you've got to get rid of him before he gives Monica too many big

ideas. I think I know how to stop.

In the last two weeks, he's become an agent, a lawyer, a writer, a producer.

What's left? A movie star.

We count him into taking a screen test. Then we dangle a fat contract in front

of his beady, greedy eyes, and we've got him where we want him. Do you think we

can fool him? We couldn't, but a big director like Emil Petrov could. But he

will give it a whirl.

J .P., this is an historic occasion.

We are about to discover the most romantic leading man since Ben Turkle.

Oh, come on, sweetie. Let's get with it. Does J .P. know I've been waiting over

three and a half minutes? I'm sorry, Mr. Bilko, but he's in conference with Emil

Petrov. Emil Petrov? The great director?

Wonderful. I want him for Monica's next picture. I don't think they'll be very

long, Mr. Bilko.

He'll be in in a minute.

Now, remember, Emil, if we want to get rid of this phony, you've got to be very

convincing. Don't worry.

I bamboozle the Bolsheviks. I can fool anybody.

Oh, JP, I was just wondering... Oh, excuse me. I didn't know the great Emil

Petrov was here. Please, Bilko, don't interrupt.

This is very important.

Now, go on, Emil.

That's just the point. I can't go on.

You have given me an actor who is an absolute nut.

But, Emil, he's one of our most famous character actors.

When you make a picture about the brains of three musketeers, he should be a he

-man. Not a sissy with a high -pitched voice.

Right? Right.

This part is organized.

Not a pasty -faced mama's boy with a split curl.

Did you ever... You can't imagine what a horror it is. Yes, yes.

A husky swashbuck.

Comes out a skinny little thing with a curly hair. Oh, he's very sickening,

though. Oh, it's so revolting.

We gave you the best one.

He is not good enough.

This picture will be a flop without the right musketeer. Come on, JP, don't

argue. Get on the phone. Get me Tony Kirk.

He is not available.

Not available?

they disbarred in Hollywood. All right, we'll get a new face.

Someone young, charming, weird.

Take off your glasses.

I had trouble with Harry.

He says, this is the man I was looking for and you were going to send him away.

But, Emil, you're making a mistake. He's not an actor. He's nothing.

Nothing. Today, nothing tomorrow, an important Hollywood star.

I, Emil Petrov, promise you that.

But he's not even good looking.

Sex appeal is not a matter of looks. Right?

Right. But he really doesn't even have hair.

What is your brain about you? Attacker Spaniard?

Let him go. You're too conventional.

Emil, this is insane. We don't even know how he'll photograph. Just a darn

minute. I happen to have a snapshot of my wallet taken over two years ago. But

you can see for yourself.

The reality comes true.

We will find out how he photographs.

The

maestro

says so. The maestro says so. Be on the set tomorrow at nine o 'clock. Sharp?

Good day, gentlemen.

Well, it's a long shot, but just in case, we should change his name.

What do you mean, change my name?

Ernie Philco doesn't sound like a movie actor. It's got to be catchy like tab or

rock. I've got it. What?

Brick. Brick Philco. What do you say?

Well, I'll discuss this tomorrow on the set with Amos, but for now, I've got to

turn in. I don't want to look haggard tomorrow on the set.

Brick. Brick Philco. Yes, it's him. It's him.

It worked.

It worked.

What next?

After the spring test, we give him a seven -year contract on one condition.

he give up Hanukkah for the good of his career. Right. And by this time

tomorrow, Bilko should be on his way back to the army. Right.

Ready on the set, Mr. Petrov.

Thank you.

Ah, Petrov, how's it going? Does Bilko suspect anything? Nothing. J .P.,

at all. Where is he?

By the hairdressers.

Brick!

said, Mr. Bilko?

Sorry,

I'm sorry, but that fool of a makeup man took forever with my eyebrows.

I mean, oh, I just thought of a great publicity campaign.

Put this on all the dailies. A full -page picture of me stripped from the

up, back to the camera, no name, tease him for a few weeks. You got it? Oh,

great idea.

Tell you what I want, Angel. Close -ups. All close -ups. Saving this side, the

temple. You understand? I will do it. I will do it. I like him. I like him. He's

my kind of a director. Say, listen.

Thank you, Briggs. Thank you, Briggs. I want to live for a bit.

That royal dog.

That onion.

That's his cup. To no man.

See what I mean?

We'll fix it. We'll fix it.

second thing. Will it be all right for this page? Yes, it will. Just try it

anyway. I tried to get a man to do his business, but they let me go. All right,

you're going to do it? Yes, yes. Come on.

Everybody, while he's in the mood.

Now, light, camera, action.

I never laughed so hard in my life.

Take that. Take that, you royal dog.

That means a star is coming in.

Bravo!

That's good.

Emil says you'll be a sensation.

Wait till I see the test. Oh, no, Bill Cole.

We shouldn't have even told you how great it was until we talked. Contract!

You're right, J .P. I can be pretty rough when I'm in the driver's seat. Oh,

Oh, Spitty, I want those publicity releases sent out to all the dailies.

so fast, not so fast. We've got to be careful about your publicity.

What do you mean? Did you ever read any scandal in connection with Spencer

Tracy? No. Or Jimmy Stewart or William Holden? Never. No, and we don't want to

read any about Brick Bilko. That's the way I want it. I want nothing.

What's the matter?

Well, since you gentlemen started, I can safely say it. Say what?

I don't want my name linked with Monica Malamore anymore.

What do you mean?

She's a lovely girl and all that, but that terribly propensity of hers. I

those skates with the priest, those marriages.

After all, I want my public to know me as Brick Vilco, a wholesome American

A Vilco? I don't understand. I thought you two... Oh, come on, J .P. You're a

man of the world. It was just a passing fancy. Of course, Monica will be

terribly upset.

I'll try to let her down as gently as I can. Ernie, darling, where have you

been? You promised to take me to lunch at the commissary. Oh, did I really? It

completely slipped my mind. Gentlemen, will you excuse us a moment? I want to

alone with her. Thank you very much.

What's up, Ernie?

Monica, I want to talk to you. Sit down a moment.

Monica, I'll try to be as kind and as gentle as I can and still let you know

what I'm talking about.

Monica?

Well, don't look at me, dear. This is tough enough as it is.

Ernie, what is it?

Monica, Monica, Monica. Oh, Ernie, what happened today?

All right, Monica.

This is it. We're through.

What? I said it, and I bet it's over.

Dear,

I'm a rising young star.

A young star? Yes, and I can't afford to be involved with you and your spicy

reputation. Are you kidding?

No, this is it, Monica. You've had it.

Don't get it started.

You were rising young star.

Well, just speak to Emil Petra. He personally directed my test.

you for the three musketeers.

Yes, well, how did you know that?

You were getting in their hair.

This whole thing was a plot to break us up and get rid of you.

I think you're right. Why would Petrov... That'll show you. That'll show

what vanity and conceit can do to a fine, greedy mind like mine.

Honey,

this is for your benefit.

Play ball with me just a few more moments, will you?

Here's what we'll do.

What's happening?

Kind of quiet in there.

Well, nothing to do now but to throw Bilko out and order Monica back to work.

Let's go in.

Oh,

Emily, just in time to congratulate us. Monica and I are going to Mexico to be

married to that lady.

Yes, and for me, I owe it all to you.

You're fired again.

I would never do so. I'm retiring to handle Monica's business.

J .P., be a good scout. As a wedding present, sign this new contract with the

few increases that I suggested.

Thank you, Mr. Allen.

$400 ,000 a picture now. Wait.

Should we go to MGM or form our own?

Okay, okay.

You win. Where should we go, dear? The Riviera?

Mexico City? Fun, fun, fun.

There you are.

Thank you, J .P. Here you are, my dear. That's yours. I told you to play ball

with me another moment. It'll be worth your while, didn't I? Thank you.

Goodbye, Monica. It's been nice knowing you. What is this? Don't you get it, J

.P.? He's our foxist. A fox, do you? How could I? I'm just a shy soldier boy.

Gee willikers, wait till I tell Mom about this.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Julie Wilson as Monica Malabar.

Leon Velasco as Emil Petrov. Sidney Smith as J .P. Frank Maxwell as Smitty.

Nick Saunders as Captain Barker.

Now stay tuned for the monsters.