All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e12 Bilkos Secret Mission

Well, how did we do so far?

In the week since the colonel has been
gone, we've grossed $128.

Give me a break, Tom.

Poker game's $54.

Good. The bilko you drive rent the jeep
service $21.

How did we do in the Cha -Cha -Cha
festival?

We took him 55 cents.

That activity will discontinue. Onward.

Recent colonel's staff car, $19. Wait a
minute.

$19? Is that...

Are you sure the meter was working?

Captain Barker used the car three times
last week on official business. Official

business? Why do you stand for that
nonsense? How many times have I told

Make a stand.

Gee, Ernie, I tried that. Never mind.
I'll see the captain myself.

Don't forget, Ernie. The colonel left
Captain Barker in charge of the camp

he's gone. What has that got to do with
me? I'm sorry, Ernie. The uniform fools

me. I keep thinking you're one of us.

I'm sure.

I've got a system that can't miss. What
can't miss? My roulette system. It's

foolproof, Bilko. You know, I said to
myself the other day, Rupert, I said, if

anybody ever comes up with a foolproof
system, it'll be Rupert Ritchie.

Get the roulette, really. I've got it
figured out scientifically.

You want to hear how it works? Rupert,
any time. I haven't got time to listen

the fine, scientific mind such as yours.
That'll be the day.

Hey, you're not going to steal this from
me, are you, Bilko? Oh, I give you my

word of honor.

Never mind that stuff.

I want you to promise. I promise.

It was a little complicated.

You'll have to try and follow me. I'll
try. Do you know anything at all about

the science of astrology?

Slightly. Slightly.

Now,

my entire system is based on the
scientific facts contained in this

Gypsy horoscopes and what numbers to
play.

I was born under the sign of
Sagittarius.

My wife is Scorpio. Yes?

Sagittarius has 11 letters in it.

Scorpio has 7. Say that's right.
Therefore, the key numbers seem to be 11

Ah, that's the number you're playing a
little ball for. Wait just a moment.

Now, what's the number of my house?

117. Uh -huh.

Notice the recurrence of those digits,
11 and 7.

Say, that's good. You're playing 11 and
7. Put your money on it. No, not quite.

We have to take into consideration the
time of the day. Oh, I see. See, to

arrive at the proper number, we divide
the time of the day into one -seventeen.

I see. For instance, now it's exactly
four o 'clock. The nearest division four

into one -seventeen is twenty -nine.
Give me a number. It's twenty -nine, the

little bald sphinx. I bet you the twenty
-nine is the number. Put it up.

I'm not finished yet. And besides, I'm
broke.

What?

You have no intellectual curiosity.

Get out of here with the astrology, with
the scientific topics.

Did you ever?

He sure is a dilly. I got to run over to
Captain Barker's office and get these

passes okayed. He already got four this
week. In his condition, he doesn't know

what's happening.

Captain Barker speaking.

Who?

General Noonan here.

He wants to see the acting commander.

What does he want with me?

Why doesn't he go to regular duty?

Hey, Schatz!

What's your name, Captain?

Barker, sir. Stand easy, Barker. I am
assuming command of this post. Yes, sir.

sort of expected that. Am I confined to
quarters, sir? What the devil are you

talking about? I'll need your help. Yes,
sir.

I'm sure between the two of us we can
handle him, sir.

Are you feeling all right, Captain?

Yes, sir. Good.

Now then, I want to see Sergeant...

Ritzig, Grover, and Bilko.

Yes, sir, but why the others? Bilko is
the ringleader.

He's having a meeting with me on a
secret assignment at Yucca Flats. We'll

leaving tomorrow at the... What do you
mean, Bilko's the ringleader?

Oh, I mean, sir, he's the ranking NCO.

I'll alert them immediately, sir.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, Captain Barker. Would
you sign these papers, please? No use

looking at them. I'd draw them all over
him. How are you? I feel like...

Bilko, I want you and your platoon to be
ready to go in three hours.

Yes, sir.

Go where, may I ask, sir? You have been
chosen to participate in Operation K .O.

We'll be testing the effect of nuclear
reactors on tanks.

Very good, sir. May I ask, sir?

How long will be gone from the camp,
sir? About a week or ten days.

Very good, sir. I was... Sorry, sir.
What's wrong,

Sergeant? It's a bronchial condition I
have, so it always acts up when I'm

to travel. It's... Your help is not
good. I am certainly not going

to insist on your going to Yucca Flat.

Thank you very much, sir. That's most
considerate of you, sir.

Yucca Black, sir. Isn't that right near
Las Vegas, sir? Yes, why?

Well, I was just thinking that dry
desert air would do wonders for my

sir. Yucca, these tests are important,
but I am not going to risk the health of

even one of our soldiers. Sir, I know
how important these tests are to our

national security, and I'd be shirking
my duty as a patriotic soldier if I

didn't go along with you to Las Vegas.

Which one of these eye shades do you
want? Both of them. I may be gambling

and night.

I couldn't believe it. What do you mean?
Well, it's like sending a Mohammedan on

a free trip to Mecca. Which bathing
suit?

The blue one.

You're taking a bathing suit, sir? Why
not? They may be gambling outdoors.

One never knows.

Look, I've got a good idea. How about
you and me go partners on the roulette

tables? I've got a better idea. How
about you get them out of here? Okay,

you'll be sorry.

After all, my system is based on
astrology, and the stars know more than

They do?

Well, figure it out for yourself.

We've been around 40 years. In the
stars, they've been around maybe 240.

Well,

you're all back, Sarge. All set, all
right. Line up the platoon. I want to

to them. For a briefing?

No, no, for a slight touch. I want to
hit those gambling casinos with at least

$300. Come on.

Sarge! Oh, leave him alone.

Oh, yeah, that's it. For God's... How do
I look, Sarge? Splendid. Splendid. You

look like a true Hollywood version of
the United States soldier. You'd be a

credit to any John Wayne movie. All
right, do it now.

Scram.

Scram? Scram, we say to a fellow
soldier?

Indeed. We say scram to a soldier who's
about to loan his sergeant his last $50.

But, Sarge, I'm broke.

Yeah, Doberman, I happen to know you had
$50 yesterday.

Yes, but I had dinner in Grove City last
night.

Now, Sarge? I think so.

Only two more hours and we're off.
Besides, you think we'll be able to get

Las Vegas? Are you kidding? In two
hours, we'll be surrounded by a bevy of

beautiful showgirls.

Do you see any beautiful showgirls yet?

No, but he was half right. We're
surrounded.

Stay off, you guys, will you?

Las Vegas is only 40 miles away. It
might just as well be 4 ,000. Now, keep

quiet. I'll figure something to get us
there. Come on, think.

Ernie, I got an idea. What?

What if the general got a telegram from
the Pentagon ordering you to Las Vegas?

It's not a bad idea.

But tell me, who sends this telegram?

I do. Oh, you do.

How do you get out of here to send the
telegram? Well, that's where you come

Me? What do you mean?

Well, you said you would think of
something.

Just when I got you pegged as an
ordinary dope, you come up with a flash

stupidity.

Did you guys figure out a way how to get
out of here yet? No, but we're working

on it. We got two and a half brains
working on it.

What do you got there?

Oh, I got to bring some lunch over to
some big shot fry that's over at the

Bilko, think of a way to get me to Las
Vegas.

Look, suppose we put you in an atomic
cannon and shoot you into Vegas.

Not a bad idea, Bilko. But how can I be
sure that there'll be a net there

waiting to catch me?

Don't worry, Rupert. Wherever you go,
there'll be somebody waiting with an X.

What is the purpose of this procedure,
Professor von Zimmer?

Well, Professor Flander, in this age of
missiles and rockets, the army is using

many, many different kinds of materials.

Now, the problem has been to make all
these incompatible materials unite

the use...

of a magnetic force.

And you think this magnetizer that
you've developed can do this? Oh,

Whatever passes between this electrode
and this electrode becomes a magnet.

Even a living thing.

A living thing?

Watch.

My hand is now completely
electromagnetized.

It will attract anything.

Observe.

This fountain pen.

This glass.

This screwdriver.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

But how long can your hand remain
magnetized? Oh, indefinitely.

Unless it is neutralized with alcohol.

Alcohol may also be taken internally for
the same effect.

Alcohol will remove the magnetic effect.

Oh, yes, yes.

You see?

Nothing happens. It's simply fantastic.

Now... If you'll just come this way, I'd
like to show you what we're doing in

the field of thermonuclear dynamics.

Professor Badziba!

What?

What?

Professor Badziba!

I might believe you.

I think I blew a fuse.

I'd better get out of here.

in Las Vegas.

But, Ernie, the general said absolutely
no passing. I heard him. I heard him.

They got two MPs at every gate. I saw
them. I saw them. So give up.

I can't give up.

The clicking keeps me up at night. What
clicking? The clicking of the dice. The

clicking of the high EFM. The ideas.

Take it easy, Ernie. Rock, have you seen
a lot of those bad movies in the prison

pictures? How do they make a break for
it?

Well... Oh, I saw one the other night.
See, these two guys went out to escape

they hid in a laundry truck and they
went right past the guards.

Laundry truck?

Not bad.

We'll try it. But Ernie, this place
hasn't got a laundry truck. No, but

got a garbage truck, haven't they? A
garbage truck? Look, we don't want to

to Vegas that bad, do we? Of course not.
But I know somebody who does.

Ritzig. Of course. Now you think it. But
wait a minute, Ernie. I don't get it.

How is this going to get us to Vegas?
Look, Ritzig goes AWOL. It's only fair

the general to send his best friends to
bring him back, huh? What makes you

think Ritzig will go for it? The minute
he thinks we're going to do it, he'll

try to do it first.

Who is it?

It's me, fellas.

Ritzig. Perfect. It saves me the long
walk through the kitchen. Now, you know

what to do.

What is it, Riddick? We're busy.

I've got to show you something. All
right. Well, make a snap because we're

busy. Look at this.

What is it? This is a wire cutter.

Snip, snip, and I'm outside.

Oh, swell.

Snip, snip, and you're outside. And once
you're outside, bang, bang, and you're

dead.

They got guns? Of course. Now, look.

If you want to make your wife happy,
don't let us stop you. But leave us

now. We're very busy discussing
something very important.

Now, listen.

We'll... Hey, you got a plan to go?
Well...

No, no, we have no plan.

All right.

I'll see you around, fellas.

So long. So long. So long. So long,
Rope. So long.

Boy, that was close.

I hope he didn't figure it out, Sarge. I
hope not, Rocco.

What time does a garbage truck leave in
the morning? About seven.

Good. They'd never think anybody would
hitch a ride to Las Vegas covered with

garbage.

I'm sorry to report, but Sergeant Rittig
is missing, sir. Oh,

then you know about his amnesia, sir.
His what?

Yes, sir. Amnesia resulted from a head
wound he received in Guadalcanal, sir.

Oh, I didn't know. Yes, and every time
he gets an attack, it wipes out the past

15 years and reverts to being what he
was before he joined the army, sir. What

was he? A garbage man, sir.

That explains it.

I'm sending the MPs to bring him back.
Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't do that,

sir. Why not? Well, the sight of any
unfriendly faces might cause the shock

result in permanent loss of memory, sir.
You see, in the past... It was always I

who went and brought it back, sir. You?

Oh, yes, sir. You can call Colonel Hall
at Camp Fremont, sir. He'll verify it,

sir. Colonel Hall's on leave. Oh, darn.
I forgot that.

Very well. Go, go. Go get it.

If you're not back in three hours, I'll
have the MPs out after book.

Sergeant Frank, you don't understand.

This is my Disneyland.

What about Richard? We'll find him
later. Right now, let's get the feel of

place.

Hey, kid.

Yeah? How did you do in there?

It's a nice place. Sure, they give you
free drinks, everything. No, kid, here.

Oh,

here. Get yourself some cigarettes.

We're not doing so well, huh, Sarge? I'm
just warming up. That downtown, that's

sick of me. This is it. The big league.

I'll fracture him. Come on.

Coming up.

Four's the point. Shooting for the four.
Come on. Come on. Little joke. Ha!

Seven, the loser.

Well, we've almost used up the time we
had to get Ritzig back, and we've lost

$200. All right, don't remind me. Don't
remind me. We'd better find Ritzig and

get back to camp.

Look, we've got $5 left. I'm desperate.
Why don't we play?

Blackjack. Blackjack? I'm not that
desperate.

I'm winning. My system works. You mean
that crazy business with the astrology

works? Yeah.

Come here. Come here.

Place your bets, please.

I'm telling you, I've won eight out of
ten so far. It's like that little white

ball is following me around.

Eight out of ten? Yeah.

Thirty -five to one? Yeah. You must be
rich. Yeah. You must be winning. Two

hundred and eighty dollars.

What are you betting? Dollar bills?

Yeah. Did you ever hear of twenty dollar
bills? Plenty dollar bills.

Let me see. I've got to figure it out.
What time is it?

It's five o 'clock. Five o 'clock. How
much do you weigh?

170 pounds. 170 divided by 5. That's 34.

34. No, no, I'm not through yet. Now,
what month were you bought in?

February. February. That's the second
month.

34 divided by February.

17. 17. 17. 17.

17.

17. 17. 17. 17.

17. 17.

17. 17. 17.

17.

17. 17. 17. 17. 17.

17. 17.

17.

17.

That's Taurus the bull. Good.

That's one, two, three, four, five, six.

Twenty -three. Twenty -three. Two
hundred dollars. Twenty -three.

Twenty -three comes up. How much do we
win?

How much?

How much? How much? Seven thousand
dollars. Seven thousand dollars. Twenty

-three. Twenty -three.

Let's go, boys.

Here. Here.

Who do you think you're manhandling?
Don't give us no trouble, Ducal. What

battalion are you with? I may buy them
and have you fired.

You'll have a nervous breakdown. I don't
care. I gotta realize my life's

ambition. Ever since I was a kid, I
wanted a million dollars. Well, you keep

your voice down, you'll wake him up.
That's right. You're right. The genius

gotta get his rest. Hey, Bill, come on.
It's a baby.

Can I have some milk, a cup of tea?

I can't sleep. Can I go back to my old
bum?

But you gotta sleep. You gotta get your
rest. If you don't get your rest, you're

liable to get sick, and then what'll we
do?

We'll have to take him to a hospital.
That's what we'll do.

Gotta get a hold of a stretcher and a
blanket. Get some white sheets. Tear

up.

my patient. Yes, doctor. You'll pass,
please. Oh, we have no time for that

nonsense. This man is in critical
condition. I'm rushing him to the

an emergency.

Locobotomy. Now, let us through. Who is
here?

Don't touch him. If your hand touched
him, I would have to put that hand in

quarantine for 30 days. Let us through,
please. Sorry, doctor. General Noonan's

orders. Orders?

This man is in pain.

Did the general order you to let an
American soldier suffer?

Hey, Doc, I'll have to check with
General Noonan first.

General Noonan at 1 o 'clock in the
morning? If I know the General, he'll

you on K .P. for the rest of your life.
What's going on here? Well, I...

you and Ritzing have to dig the last
three feet yourself. Okay, you all set,

Ritzing? Right. Come on, Mom. Come on,
Mom. Give me a hand.

Hold it.

I'll see if you can get some extra dough
for this. Gee, thanks, Angel. Tell the

boss. What boss? John L. Lewis.

Yeah.

Guardhouse and throw away the key.

Now, we're only going to be here two
more days. Two days, sir? That's right.

We'll start testing the tanks tomorrow.

We'll work the clock around so there'll
be no time for nonsense.

Is that understood?

Yes, sir. That's more like it.

Dismissed. Thank you, sir.

Looks like we're cooked, Bilko. We'll
never get to Vegas now. And me with my

perfect sister. I know, I know. Give me
a chance to think. I gotta get to Vegas.

How? How? I don't know how. How?

They'll call you what? Lord!

wins. It's champagne for everybody.

How much did we win so far?

How much? How much?

$78 ,000.

Help yourself, folks. Help yourself.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ruben.

Drink up.

Oh, what's the matter?

I don't know. I feel funny like...

Like I got a shock.

Ah, you're not using a good champagne.

Wait a minute. What, what, what? What
number? Same number. Same number.

Number 10. Number 10.

Come on. I got to rule this one out.

Here, here.

34. Right.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 34. What
kind of a crooked wheel are you running

here? Take it easy, Bilko. I must have
miscalculated. We'll double up and we'll

get it back on the next number. Are you
sure, Rupert?

You're not going to fool our Pisces.
Come on.

Number 10.

Place your bets, please.

Come on, kid.

Come on, kid. Hey, come on.

Hey.

33. What?

One number, Rupert. See, I don't know.
Place your bets, please.

Try number 11.

Oh, come on, 11.

11. Watch, baby. 11.

Double zero.

That's us. Two big fat zeros.

All right, boys, let's go.

Oh, sure. Now you show up. Where were
you two hours ago when we could have

you? Oh, we busted the... You and that
stupid system of yours. Fortunately, I

was smart enough to hold out a hundred
bucks. Come on. Just a minute, Sergeant.

Just a minute.

What is this? $98 .80 for what?

Champagne sport.

Everybody drinks, remember?

You're going to let the civilian molest
your prisoner?

Get it up, Buster.

All right, here.

I got changed.

Captain Barker. Nelson Olmsted is the
doctor.