All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e09 Bilkos Allergy

I'll tell

you

there's something else. There's
something definitely else.

Call it instinct, call it a hunch. I
tell you, there's something doing. Look,

Ernie, you just got a case of nerves.
Why don't you turn in? Case of nerves

you. For me, it's storm warnings. It was
the same way in 1944 in New Guinea.

Remember, right before that Jap
counterattack? I had the same exact

sure enough, there it was, right near
the front line. A crap game.

I'd have won more if it wasn't for that
stupid bonsai charge.

Now, you got that same feeling now?

Exactly the same feeling. There's
something doing, I tell you.

What is he doing?

It's like radar. He sends out waves of
greed.

They bounce back when they hit money.

Listen, Ernie, I checked the whole lab.
There's no action anywhere.

He's right, Ernie.

Ritzig's in bed, Grover's on duty,
Pendleton went to a movie, and Sherman

Shark is on leave.

Oh, shut up. I tell you, there's
definitely action here someplace.

Sarge! Sarge! I saw it! I saw it!

It's the biggest poker game in the
world.

Where? Tell me everything. Well, I was
in town, standing on the corner, trying

to make up my mind.

Come on, come on. The game, the game. I
am, I am. See, I was trying to decide

whether I should pick up a girl on the
outside or try my luck in the movies.

That way you'd save 45 cents.

The game, the game. You told me to tell
you everything.

Gee, if you're going to be grouchy,
you'd rather talk in the morning. I'm

I yelled at you, Paparazzi. Come on.
Very well, I accept your apology.

Now, where was I?

When you yelled, Sarge, I can't even
think. I was just about to buy a ticket

when who do you think walked by and went
to the pool room? I'll never play him

guessing again. Who?

Elsa Maxwell?

No. I didn't even know she was in town.

Yes, I did. I give up. Who?

Sherman the Shark.

Sherman. You said he was on leave. Well,
I wonder where the action is. He's out

there cleaning up. You want to hear the
rest of it, don't you? Come on, tell me.

Well, out of curiosity, I followed him
into the pool room.

And there it was.

What a game!

There must have been a couple of
thousand dollars on the table.

Henshaw, get the cheap. On the double,
rock it on the outside. Give me my eye

-shading folding money. A couple of
thousand dollars right here in Grove

Gee, Sarge, I thought it would have
meant so much to you. I told you three

ago. What do you mean?

Well, after I discovered the game, I
went into the movies.

You went into the movies?

You waited three hours to call me?

Well, don't get mad, Sarge. You usually
don't like him.

Who? Robert Taylor. They were playing
through his old pictures.

Sorry, I've got to run along now,
Paparelli, but if you're still here when

back, I'll go ahead and kill you.

Let's make it big. I opened for a
hundred.

Gentlemen, sorry to be late. Don't make
me disturb you.

Hi, Jake.

Hi.

I'm all set for a nice, comfortable game
of punch -ball poker.

At least it'll joke and cost you nothing
extra, fellas.

How about another hundred?

Back off. What do you got?

Three deuces.

All right, fellas, don't force water.
Maybe they can.

I would.

Where's everybody gone?

Oh, I did a coffee break. Baked my black
with one lump, huh? That's it, Philco.

Game's over for tonight.

Game's over?

Yeah, Phil. Some of this might have been
yours.

I want to thank you, Sherman, for
inviting me. What did you ever do for

Say, Tom, next week, Sherman, don't
forget to bring plenty of dough, huh? I

be here. Who made you a partner?

Are you afraid of a little competition?

Bilko, I don't mind if you play next
week, but I may as well warn you, you're

over your head.

Don't worry, pal. I can take care of
myself.

Bilko, these are no stoops like Riddick
and Grover. They're too smart for you.

They're professionals, Bilko.

Professional poker players. They think I
am an army sergeant?

Not bad, eh? I won 810 bucks.

820. You got two tens stuck together.

See you next week, Sherman.

Okay, Bilko. It's your financial
funeral.

What have I been waiting for? A big
killing. If a jerk like Sherman can win

dollars, I ought to take him for 8 ,000.

I'll play it big, bold.

$100 bets will be like nothing. Nothing,
Ernie. For a big game like that, you

need at least $300 - $400.

Yeah. How do you like my luck? Every
time opportunity knocks, I ain't got

money to open the door. Hey, how about
the platoon?

No good. They're too cunning.

For the past six months, every time I
needed money, they developed an

They managed to be broke. I've heard
about that instinct. I think it's called

self -preservation.

I mean, it's pretty good, huh?

You want to be private, Henshaw?

your coffee. Morning reports, duty
rosters. Hey, will you sign this? Shut

Who wants that? I've been up all night
figuring out how to raise some money.

What money? Money for next week's game.
That's what money. Hey, here's the mail,

Sarge. What are you bothering me? I'll
take it, Sarge. I'll give it out to the

boys. Wait a minute.

What's the matter? Let me have that.

Never heard of money from home, perhaps?

Federal offense.

I'm not going to open it. Just want to
see who's getting what. That's all.

Nothing.

Nothing? How can you tell?

Holding money has a smell all its own.

Here's one from Paparelli's mother.

Mmm. Money?

Ravioli.

I don't know even where anybody could
write.

Huh? What have you got, Ernie?

A check.

I can fill the preparations. Quick, tell
me.

Who's it for? Quick!

Colonel John Hall.

Upgrade, John.

Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Must be a tax refund.

Ernie. Ernie, no.

Oh, shut up.

For all.

This is the Democratic Army, isn't it?
The officers deserve the same privileges

as the enlisted men. And I haven't been
fair.

In what way?

Depriving the colonel of his right to
lend me money.

Right away. Right, sir. Get me somebody.
I need... He's emotional. Get him. I'll

rehearse him. Hey, Sarge. How much of a
refund do you think he got?

Exactly. Let me see. Full colonel's pay.

$10 ,920.

Counting full longevity.

Deductions to dependents in the party to
which the branch came in. That's what

it's for.

$305 .40.

Yes, now, I just got the check.

$305 .40.

Really? No, it's so good.

Oh, please, Dr. Booker, my whole
future's at stake. I'm sorry. I told you

and time again, I heartily disapprove of
this plan. Now, get outside.

Good heavens, we're causing a rumpus in
the Colonel's office. Sergeant, will you

please listen?

When you get outside, this is no time
for it. Please.

Terribly sorry, Sergeant Wilkinson. Will
you sign this requisition, sir?

Wilkinson, what was that all about? Oh,
Pap really is so emotional. If you'll

just sign the requisition, sir. Pap
really seems so upset.

Oh, he cries at anything, sir. If you'll
just sign this requisition, sir.

Sergeant Wilkinson! Sergeant Wilkinson!
I can't go on living without it!

I'm saving the Colonel and myself an
important... Will you...

Paparelli, I'm doing it for your own
good. Don't be so emotional. You only

the girl ten years. But I'll lose her
forever.

Well, I don't care. It's for your own
good. Outside.

Go on.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. Join us in
silence and I'll be out of your way,

Who's Angelina?

Well, sir, I tried to keep this from
you, but Private Paparelli wants to get

married and it would be foolhardy at his
tender age, sir.

How old is he?

Thirty -one.

Thirty -six when I got married. You,
sir. You're comparing yourself to

Paparelli, so you are always a matured
man.

But Paparelli, he's so emotional. You
know, he only knows the girl ten years.

You know, my wife and I went together
only three years before we got married.

A whirlwind courtship. How romantic.

You've got to help me. I can't go on
living without her.

Paparelli, do you realize what you're
doing?

This is not normal.

Suppose you've got permission to get
married. You want to go on leave for

honeymoon, won't you? You don't have
another leave coming for six months.

I could arrange a leave.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you. All
right, so you've got a leave. So you

to go on your honeymoon, don't you? Have
you got any money to spend on a

honeymoon? Well, I've got $15.

Oh, you see, sir, he's a boy.

Raffarelli, that's hardly enough for a
honeymoon.

The colonel is right.

To go on a honeymoon, you need at least
$300.

My last chance is gone all along.

I remember there she is.

Doesn't it break your heart, sir?

You can pay it back whenever you can.
What is this, sir? That's my income tax

refund. Oh, no, sir, I can't let you do
this, sir.

No, sir, you'll have to endorse it on
the back.

No, sir, you're being much too kind to
the joint attorney. Perhaps this is all

she decided to do.

Well, no, I couldn't accept this, sir.
Well, so I insist.

Well, that's awfully sweet of you, sir.
I'm sure everything will work out fine

now, sir. I hope so. I'm sure of it,
sir. It's in the cards.

I got it, I got it.

Hey, what's going on in there? Bill goes
in training.

What for?

Big poker game in Grove City Saturday
night.

The champ is sharpening up. One, two,
three, four. One, two, three, four. One,

two, three, four.

Just a practice run. You'll do better.
Come on, I can handle it. Tell me, what

did I do? Ten and a half seconds. Ten
and a half seconds?

Gee, I know little old canasta players
can do it in under ten seconds.

I don't know. I'll try.

Wait a minute. What am I doing with old,
sticky cards? Give me a new deck. No

wonder I can't get it moving.

Here we go. I'll show you. It's a little
for liberty now.

All right. You know, you don't think I
know, but the four diamonds on the

bottom, it stays there all the time on
the old side. Here we go. All right.

Ready, start? Ready.

Get ready and go.

One, two, three, four.

Now hold it.

Want to try another one? Try another
one. Here we go.

And hit it. One, two, three, four. One,
two, three, four.

a little tickle in my throat. I'm all
out of it. Nothing at all. I'm all

Don't worry about it. Once more,
Sergeant. Here we go.

And hit!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. I'm all right,
too.

Why don't you take a couple of aspen and
get me to bed? Come on, how about a hot

water bottle, Sergeant? What are you
talking about? A hot water bottle, a

of aspens. What, am I a child?

Get me an ambulance.

Well, I guess there can be no doubt
about these results.

None whatsoever, sir. How would you
break news of this kind to a man like

I don't know, sir.

Well, send him in.

Trying to see me, doctor?

Yes, Bilko. I want to talk to you.

Well, give it to me straight, doctor. I
can take it. What is it? A fever? Our

tests show, Bilko, that you have an
allergy.

Oh, well, thank heavens it isn't
anything more serious. What is it? I

keep away from woolens, cotton... Now,
Bilko, sit down.

Now, Vilko, you are susceptible to
cellulose.

Oh, well, I'll stop drinking. Now, just
a moment, Vilko.

Cellulose is an important ingredient in
the manufacture of playing cards. You

are allergic to playing cards.

You're kidding me, aren't you, Doctor?
No,

our tests show that you're allergic to
this chemical.

Doctor, it's a joke.

You're playing a... No, no, I strongly
advise that you never touch another deck

of playing cards.

Now, do you understand me, Bilko? No
more cards. Oh, no, I won't listen.

He's been in my hands the whole day. I
don't know. He's kidding, isn't he?

He's kidding when he says you're not
kidding.

You know what that means for a man like
me, Bilko? Now, listen to me, Bilko.

Now, that's better.

Now, there are other games.

That's right. I'm sorry that I...

There are other games. Scrapple, domino,
I can join a march -on group. Of course

you can.

It's the realities of life. An emergency
occurs and you have to live up to it.

Well, thanks to both of you. Thank you,
Doctor. That's the spirit, Bill Cole.

Yes, thank you. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

No more both. This is so comfortable.

Yeah,

we're waiting for Bill Cole. I thought
he was in the hospital with some kind of

an allergy.

Oh, but he's figured out a way to play
in spite of it. Don't worry, he'll be

here. Oh, just take it.

Hey, what's with the get -up, Vilko?

Well, you understand, I can't play with
a girl with a man.

Yeah. He says he's allergic to cards, so
he's going to use the mask and rub a

glove. All right, first card, first I
feel.

All right. What did he say? He says that
for any reason, this should fail to

proceed immediately to plan two. Oh,
dear, Vilko.

Come on, let's get moving, huh?

Here we go.

Come on.

Is this a poker game or army maneuver?
Come on, Henshaw. Find out what

Duffel wants to do.

All right, now hear this. You got a pair
of queens.

Bet to the ace. And when he makes his
bet, handbag him good. Over.

What'll I bet, Ernie? Over.

Bet a... Come in. Come in, Ernie.

He looks like he gets a lot of coughing
and sneezing. We'd better get to him

before he puts Plan 4 into operation.

Yeah. Hey, what was that again? Plan 4,
where he drives a jeep over a cliff.

Can you help me?

Well, Bilko, the fact that you weren't
even in the same room as the card game

and still develop these allergic
symptoms points to a psychological

What do you mean, Doctor?

Well, simply this, Bilko.

Your coughing and sneezing during a card
game is probably triggered by feelings

of guilt. Guilt? What have I got to be
guilty about? I'm not guilty, Your

I mean, Doctor.

What are you guilty about? Well, finding
that out would take years of analysis.

Oh, by that time I'd be bankrupt. What
can we do, Doctor? However, there is one

possible shortcut.

What is that?

Hypnosis. Hypnosis?

Well, that's ridiculous, Doctor. In
order for one to be a subject for

one has to have a weak mind and no
willpower at all. See, I'm the exact

of that. I would never have... Now,

listen,

Doctor.

Now, something has happened that gave
you a guilt complex about playing poker.

Now, is there someone that you've made
unhappy? A big loser, perhaps?

Yes. Someone very kind.

I should have never done it, Doctor. I
feel so ashamed.

Now, who is this person? Your father?
No. Your brother? No.

A friend? No. Well, then who? Who?

Colonel Hall.

Well, I think it's all quite clear now.
Bill Cole, so you can see, Doctor,

hypnosis is out. We'll have to go into
years of analysis. Bill Cole, your

coughing and sneezing is purely
psychosomatic. Every time you come near

of cards, you feel guilty about what
you've done to Colonel Hall.

What I did to Colonel? Who did anything
to Colonel? Who says I did anything? You

did. I... I was like a light.

You know how you've always mistreated
the Colonel? You've lied to him and

deceived him, and for what?

To satisfy your need to play poker.

That's right, Doctor.

Obviously, your coughing and sneezing is
merely the voice of your conscience.

My conscience?

Yes, you didn't know you had one, did
you?

What can I do, Doctor? Well, if you want
this allergy to disappear, I strongly

recommend that you change your attitude
to the Colonel. Show him that you

respect and appreciate him.

Oh, Judge, I'll do it. I only hope I can
do it in time.

In time for what?

Saturday night's poker game.

Our beloved leader, Colonel John O
'Perfect.

Hang that right behind the center of the
dais. Hey, Sarge, you mean just by

being a good soldier and by being nice
to the colonel, that'll make your

disappear? Of course.

What do you think I'm giving the colonel
a surprise testimonial dinner for?

Well, we've got to show him respect.
He's our leader, no matter what we

Good.

Take him around the colonel's
photograph.

Photograph. I need bunting all over.

What do you want, Sarge? Look, could you
give me those candid shots of the

Colonel for the souvenir program on my
way down?

Give me a lot of pictures. You know, at
work, at play, movies. You got it. You

know what else I need?

When the flags are big, I want lights.
Wait a minute. We're going to need a

guest speaker.

What's the name of the Colonel's friend
that works for the Inspector General's

office? O'Donnell. That's it. Take a
watch.

Colonel Walter T.

O'Donnell. That's his name.

Care of Inspector General's office,
Pentagon, Washington, D .C.

Dear Sarge.

In recognition of his 25 years of
faithful service to the United States

the men of Camp Fremont are tendering a
surprise testimonial dinner to their

beloved Colonel John T. Hall.

We respectfully ask your appearance as
our surprise guest speaker on the 19th.

Can you be with us?

You don't have to put the rest of the
wire in. Good. Now, let's get moving.

Scroll. Scroll. Let me see it.

We, the undersigned of Camp Fremont, pay
tribute to the very good. Now, give me

5 ,000 figures. On a ball. Move it.

Hey, Ernie, are you sure you want this
order posted on the bulletin board? I

definitely want this on the bulletin
board. There will positively be no

of any kind in the motor pool area.

The men will never believe it.

Give me a pen.

What's the matter, Ernie? I can't make
my hand work.

Think it's easy? The one stroke of this
pen, I'm violating my whole way of life.

Good morning, Colonel Hall. Good
morning, Captain Barker. How are you,

Fine, just wonderful. What a beautiful
day. You know, Captain, this is the part

of the day I enjoy most.

8 .30 in the morning, sir? Yes, I guess
it's because I know Bilko won't be up

for another three hours.

Look what I found on the bulletin board.

A no gambling order signed by Bilko?
Where do you suppose this means?

You look a bit pale, sir. What's wrong?

I don't know.

But if Bilko is marching the men at 8
.30 in the morning, it must be something

big. Maybe we're at war.

Captain,

I don't know what Bilko is up to. Well,
I'm not going to let it bother me.

Where did I put those aspirins?

And your gladiolus, our beautiful sir.

Bilko, what are you doing in my garden?

Well, sir, I noticed your hedges are a
little ragged. I thought I would even

them out. You don't mind, do you?

How much is this going to cost me? Oh,

John. Oh, John.

Of course, my lousy excuse me, sir.
There's a lot of work to be done here.

My, you have an awful lot of crabgrass.

Especially your family, Alice.

Who are you talking to, John?

Bilko. He's working in our garden.

Isn't that sweet of him?

Oh, Nell, you're so naive and
unsuspecting. What do you mean?

He wants something.

Like what?

John, you just must get some rest. This
is the third night in a row that you've

had insomnia.

It's the fourth night. If you don't
believe me, count the circles under my

Colonel Hall, sir, you're right. Bilko
is up to something. I found this

in the day room.

It's from the Pentagon.

Arriving Camp Fremont tomorrow night.
Agreed. Colonel Hall deserves the works.

I only mean one thing.

Bilko's turning me in.

He's been nice to me all week, setting
me up for the kill.

He wants to get rid of me. Why should he
want to get rid of you?

He obviously wants a new commanding
officer, somebody who isn't on to all of

tricks. Oh, so that must be why he...
Well, what is it, Parker? Out with it.

Well, sir, I understand that Bilko's men
have been circulating a petition.

What does it say about me? I don't know,
sir, but I understand that it has about

5 ,000 signatures.

He's turned the whole camp against me.

Well, there goes a 25 -year Army career.

What was that?

It's been happening all day.

Vilco's gathering evidence.

That'll be captioned, The Sleep at the
Switch.

and they're hanging flags in the
recreation hall and setting up a long

with chairs.

Do you know what that's all about?

I do now.

They're getting ready for my court
-martial.

Isn't there anything you can do, sir?

It's too late.

And what's more, I've got it coming.

Any commander who will tolerate Bilko
for 15 years deserves anything he gets.

like this. You underestimated me, sir.

I sure did.

Well, if this is what you and the men
want, let's get it over with. Shall we?

John? Walter? I came as soon as I heard
about this.

Since it has to be, I'm glad they picked
an old friend.

Let's get it over with. I know how you
feel.

Sergeant Bill Cole, let us commence.

Yes, sir.

who has saved this country for 25
glorious years, sir.

Brilko. Alexander.

Yes.

How long before I can have the print of
that? About 60 seconds. Good. I want to

show it to my doctor.

I mean, all my friends.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you, Ernie.

He calls me Ernie.

Read him a week.

Well, I'll be glad to permit it to all
of you.

Wrong. A sucker's groan is music to a
gambler's ear.

Here you are, Hinch.

It's $305.

You give that to the colonel
immediately, and the rest of this is all

profit. Gee, Eddie, you're old self
again.

Yeah, that doctor was really on the
ball. Look at this.

No coughing, no sneezing.

Oh, I don't mind telling you. It had me
worried for a while. I can't imagine

anything worse than a guy like me being
allergic to cod.

Well, shall we continue the counting?

Oh, thanks for the coffee and donuts.
I'll take care of that, honey. How much

it? Let me total it up.

Yeah, we...

that she came in the room.

Sarge! Sarge! Could you possibly be
allergic to... Oh, no.

Allergic to girls? No, no. Anything but
that. Please, not the... Also

seen

in tonight's cast were Nelson Olmsted as
Captain Masters, Nick Saunders as

Captain Barker, Frank Thomas Sr. as
Colonel O'Donnell, Coke Sandsbury as

Hall, Jack Cannon as Sherman the Shark,
and Dort Clark, James Carew, Ray Singer

as the poker players.