All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e06 Bilko Joins The Navy

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Bridget, where are the soldiers?

Keep your lips nicked on me. They're
coming all the way from Camp Remark.

Murder Duval going out with a soldier.
What'll people think?

Well, come on. Let's have some fresh
water before the battle starts.

Nothing's going to help me. I just want
to eat something like a big fat stick.

Where are the girls? Where are the
girls?

One hamburger to each couple. That way
we make it a long evening. Gee, Sarge, I

hope the girls are good looking.

You trust me. I tell you, that number I
found on the phone booth had four stars

next to it. And when a sailor puts four
stars next to a girl's number, that

ain't for perfect attendance.

Who are Ava Gardner's best friends?

Marilyn Monroe and Kim Novak. Tell your
beauties, travel and pack.

Oh, man,

I told you. You got class. You got
savoir faire.

Thanks, Sarge. I thought you took us
because we were the only two guys left

camp with money.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

If you intended to cut me, you certainly
did. This is the thanks you give me? I

arrange three great dates? I get your
weekend passes? This is the way you show

your gratitude?

I'm sorry. Never mind.

But did you bring the money? If you call
three bucks money, how about you, Dino?

Four dollars. How about you, Sarge? The
phone call tapped me out.

Come on. He just said one for six
people. Don't you worry about it, pal.

have seven dollars in cash.

But we got a million dollars worth of
charm. And if we weren't this right...

We can get back to camp with change yet.
Hey, Sarge, this place is deserted.

Of course.

The fleet's out.

You know what they say.

When the sailors are away, the soldiers
will play.

Here come three girls.

I hope that's them.

Wowee, wow. I like them all.

Please.

One girl apiece. This is no smorgasbord.
I'll do all the talking. Up. Up.

You are the soldiers, I presume.

Oh, it's true. It's true what they say.
All the pretty girls are in San Diego.

Oh, you're cute.

Whom of you gentlemen found my number in
the phone booth? It was I, Ernest G.

Bilko, and you are Bridget Hepperwhite?

Likewise. And these are my companions.

This is Maine Cirillo and Myrna Duval.
Splendid. Splendid. How are you? May I

present to you a society's loftiest
playboys, Dino Paparelli and Fielding

Zimmerman. Ladies, shall we? Put it
down! Oh, okay.

He came right from Harvard into the
army. I'm standing.

Sergeant.

Here we are.

Well,

we're all here.

Boy, could I go for a steak? A steak?

A steak in San Diego.

Did you hear that, Dino? Yeah. My dear,
aren't you aware of the gourmet's golden

rule? Never have oysters in a month
without an hour on it. And never eat

in San Diego.

Are you going to eat or are you going to
talk?

Eat, eat. Well, if everybody is hungry.
Waiter.

Waiter. What do you have? Well, I
have... Oh, my dear, I'm the host.

I'll do the order again.

We want something very special. You
better write this down so we get it all

correct the way we want it.

Now, your chef, he is Union. Union,
he'll understand the instructions. All

right, I want you to get the apparel.
You find his beef.

Then grind his beef into fine, fine
texture.

Garnish it with various spices.

Little garlics, little chippy, chippy
onions.

You understand? And then form them into
little individual patties. Put them

under a low flame.

And when they come to the proper
grilling point, put them on an

little bun and bring them to a... Hey,
that... Hamburger.

Is that what it is? I could never think
of the name. Yes. Three hamburgers with

the works.

Hey,

Sarge, I think we're finished. The flea
tank.

Relax. You just say hello to an old
friend of Bridget. We thought of this

Bridget. Oh, Bridget. Zender is here.

Bridget. Ah.

Gee, Larry, you look great. Yes, he does
have a nice tan. Now, look, Vincent, on

your breaker. What a break, honey. Our
maneuvers were cut short all week. Are

you doing anything tonight? Not a thing.

What about these three creeps? Creeps?

Looking for trouble, soldier?

You're lucky, sailor, because I got two
more weeks to go to get my good conduct

medal. Come on, baby, let's blow this
joint. I got two months' pay bursting a

hole in my pocket.

Let's all go someplace and get a great,
big, juicy steak.

A steak?

I'm with you.

Me too.

Me too.

You want to stand around and let those
sailors take our girls? Are you nuts?

This joint is full of sailors. We start
anything here, they'll use us for

anchors. What do we do now, Todd? What
do we do now? You know what they say,

when the cat comes home, the mice crawl
back in a hole.

I'll call a bus thief and see if we can
get the next bus back to Grove City.

Dime. Dime, dime, dime.

Will you get me the bus, people, please?

Hiya, Bert. Hi, Freddy. What'll it be?

Drinks for everybody, Bert. What time is
the next bus leave for Grove City,

please? What's with the drinks for
everybody, Freddy?

Yes, there'll be three of us. I am in
the chips again. I just won $250.

The next bus leave's at $250?

Where did you win this kind of money,
Freddy? In the big crowd game. We have

another bus leaving for the big crap
game.

One guy won it for 800 bucks.

Oh, you got room for us. Oh, yeah,
there'll be 800 of us.

Just a minute, please.

Did you say all weekend?

Yeah. Is there a bus leaving Monday
morning?

Come on, Sarge. When are we leaving?
We're not leaving. What do you mean? The

biggest crap game since Albuquerque came
back from Manila is going on in this

town right now. But we only got seven
bucks.

Seven. See? We're lucky already.

This is our chance to get back at the
Navy. All right. Where's the game? This

sailor right here knows. We'll ask him.
Come on. Sailor, could you... Excuse me

a minute.

Sailor was just here.

Very good friend of mine. He invited me
to the crap game. Do you know where it

is? Don't ask me, buddy. When there's
that much money floating around, the

is top secret.

Yeah.

Hi, everybody.

Let me buy you a drink.

Is the game the same place it was last
year?

How could it be? Last year it was in
Honolulu.

Well,

where is it this year? I don't know. I
only got 50 bucks.

They wouldn't even talk to me.

I gotta get in that game. Darn old crap
game.

I'll lose it. Come on. Hey, Bert.

Can I have a drink in the cup? On a cup?
You've been away for three months. What

happened to all your pay?

I blew it in two rolls.

How can I be such a jerk? Excuse me,
pal. I couldn't help you in your

unfortunate... Let me buy you a drink.

What a jerk.

Three months paid down the drain. Down
the drain? Is that where the game was?

the sewer? Down the drain? Why?

Why did I ever go there?

Well, where? Where, why? Why, where? I'm
walking down the street.

Suddenly, one of my buddies says, let's
go to the bowling alley.

Bowling alley. Which bowling alley? But
do I go to the bowling alley? You

didn't. No.

No, you didn't. I had to go to the...

Did you cry a little clearer? I didn't
hear that. Oh, I learned my lesson.

well, I want to learn my lesson. Never
again.

This has happened to me for the last
time. What am I going to tell my wife?

Well, just walk in, lay on the table and
say, Honey, I blew all my money at the

cat game. And then tell her the name of
it. You want to save your marriage,

don't you? Where was the game?

I've been looking all over for you.
Here's a hundred bucks I owe you.

A hundred bucks?

Where are you going? This time, our ship
is coming in. Come on.

You back again?

And I got fresh loot.

Come on in.

Did you hear that, Sarge? He gave a
secret knock. Don't worry. The tape

was on. I got it over. This is what I
always dreamed about. A warehouse full

money.

you want. I'm running the game. I've got
plenty of loot here. Let's get going.

This is a Navy game, buddy. Shut up.
Wait a minute.

We play football together. Why not an
Army and Navy crap game?

Smell that? Did you get a whiff of that
green? I'm telling you, I've got to get

in there. Forget it, Sarge. You haven't
got a chance.

Look, as long as there's a brain in his
head, breath in his body, and greed in

his heart, there's always a chance.

the Asajj. Just stop calling me Asajj.
From now on, it's Chief.

Okay, Chief, but if they find out you're
Asajj, we'll get 20 years. Will you

relax? It's just for an hour, just long
enough to make a killing, and then it's

back to Sam's Army and Navy, so they're
back in our own uniforms. Let me handle

it. Okay, here goes.

What do you want? Hiya, mate. We just
blew into port looking for a little

action, and we got plenty of that
seaweed with numbers on it.

Haven't I seen you before?

It's possible. Most of us on the
Nautilus were seen on TV, newsreels,

tape parades.

I don't want to hear it in there. You
know what I mean? They'll start

breaking up the game. What do you say,
Nate? Okay, Chief.

Okay, Nate.

Aye, aye, Dutch.

Hey, watch this point. Five. Five. Ten,
he don't make it. It's not.

Okay. Seven.

Seven. Five. Five.

Who's dying? Who's dying? I was waiting
here and now in the open. Here we go.

Do you want an accident?

This is it. I'll go easy on you, boys.
I'll shoot five.

I've got 200.

I've got the other 300.

500? Hey, Chief, you only got a $5 bill
on the deck.

Oh, well, it must be these glasses. By
mistake, I... Well, we'll just shoot the

$5. Go ahead. Shoot the 500.

We'll trust you. Go on.

I'm sure we'll trust you. You're Navy.

Thank you, Mr. Daddy. Oh, Daddy, you
need to do something.

Four. That's a tough point.

Here we go. One, two, three, four. Watch
the point that I am doing. And it is

eight. Five.

All right,

boys. Up the ante. Shoot 500 and five
down.

All right. Come on,

Dicey. You'll be good to me. Daddy will
be good to you. And here it is. And it

is eight.

One more roll, I'll buy my own ship.
I'll open my own if your boy's shooting

I got 250.

50, wait a minute, 50 open.

Broke again.

What am I going to tell my wife?

You're faded.

All right, coming up. Anything?

Anything's eight.

Five, I'll take three to two.

Gentlemen, you've got here just in time.
I have the evidence right here. Skip

the fast talk, Chief. What are you doing
with all that money?

Well, you see, I'm the payroll clerk,
and I seem to have missed a few fellas.

There they are.

Seeming properly, you have back pay
coming up.

$1 ,800, and there it is. A new
frogman's in them, and the heroism

The Navy's proud of what you've done.

It didn't very close to my ledger.

yesterday. She will take that money.
Grab it. Wait a minute. What do you

take that money?

Admiral's orders. All money confiscated
in gambling raids goes to Navy relief.

Okay, sailor. Let's have your name and
ship. Hey, Sarge, if they find out we're

soldiers, we'll get 20 years. Get 40
years. 20 years to reach service. What's

your name?

Papa.

Papa. Papa. All right. He's one of my
men. I'll vouch for him. Let Papa speak

for himself. What ship you on, Papa?

Ship? I'm with the... You, you, you.
You, you, what?

What ship are we on?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Chief, what ship are we with? Yeah,
Chief, what ship are you with?

We're on the board. The grand old vessel
we served under has been put up in mock

form.

Don't say that name. It tugs right at my
heart. I've been looking for you guys.

All personnel from the Wilson have been
transferred to the Saratoga.

Did you hear that, Shipmates? We've been
transferred to the Saratoga. I guess

they want us to report aboard.

Monday morning, seven, they'll shout.
No, they want you aboard right now. Take

the rest of these guys down to shore
patrol headquarters.

You three, come with me.

Hey, Sarge, they're going to put us on a
boat.

We've got to change back to our
uniforms.

Oh, shore patrol, on our way over, I
suppose we could pass Sam's Army and

store. They have a sale of compasses.
Come on. Let's go.

Let's go.

What am I going to tell my wife?

Excuse me, sir. We rounded up three more
men from the Wilson. We caught them in

a gambling raid, sir. Oh, gambling, eh?
Well, maybe they got away with that on

the Wilson.

But not on my ship.

Bring them in. Aye, aye, sir. In here,
the captain wants to see it.

Oh.

So you men were caught gambling, eh?

Well, you certainly ought to know better
than that, Chief.

When did you join the Navy? Yesterday?

Yes, sir. What?

to save yourself.

Oh, I'm so ashamed, sir. I just can't
stop gambling. Throw me off the ship

before I give it a bad name. Which way
is the gangway? Now, ordinarily, I'd

throw the book at you for gambling.

But since you men of the Wilson just
came back from four months of sea duty

are about to go out for six more months,
I will overlook it this time. Six

months? Six months. But I only got a
three -day pass. What was that?

Oh, he said he's been three years before
the mass, sir. I think he's had too

much sea duty, sir. Really?

What's your name, sailor?

Well, I'm very sorry, Papa.

You're going to have to ship out for
another cruise.

Oh, in that case, we'll have to say
goodbye to our loved ones. I think

phone in San Domingo Navy Star. Good
morning from the bridge, sir. We're on

way. What's our speed?

10 knots, sir. Very good. As soon as we
clear the harbor, increase it to 15

knots. Aye, aye, sir. Clear the harbor?
That means we're at... What?

What'd you say?

Why, you... Oh, sir, how... Oh, you
fool!

How could you, sir? This man's been
tinkering with the security of our

government. He spoke at a bar, sir. They
know where we're going, sir. You know

what the posts say.

Loose lips sink ships.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, look at that. Through the porthole I
see a periscope, so you'd better zip.

Now, that's enough.

You men get below to the galley where
you belong and start preparing

Galley, sir?

Well, unless they lied to me at
Annapolis, those insignias you're

your arms mean that you're stewards,
don't they? Now get below.

Yes, sir.

Oh, sir, how many for breakfast?

1 ,800.

1 ,800.

I forgot to pick up the eggs, so you'll
have to put my men and I back in a tent

and let us go back to shop. Now get
below!

Right now, you...

Other guys go AWOL. They go to New York,
Miami Beach.

This is probably the first time anyone
went AWOL to the Navy.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Chief, fix this opening. I want to make
sure it's okay. I don't want anyone to

get sick like last time. You've got to
worry about everything on this ship.

You call this opening? Give me opening
with lumps in it. Lumps. Go on, move it.

Sick.

Sick.

Sick. Sick. Sick. Who's sick? He's sick.

I'm just homesick, Sarge. That's all.
You don't understand. I want to get you

home, but first you've got to be sick.
Very sick. How sick am I? Oh, I'm afraid

you're going to need an operation.

And I'll have to fly you back to port.
Once we get back to port, it's a short

ambulance ride to Sam's Army and Navy
store.

How about us? We've got to go along with
him. You know why? You're his blood

type. And when he's in a coma, he keeps
yelling for me. Remember that. He

wouldn't dare separate us. Great. What
kind of an operation am I going to have,

Sarge? Here, girl. How about your
tonsils? Had them out. Had noise? Had

out. What do you got left? Everything I
need.

Appendix. My appendix?

Sure. Once we get back to port, you
suddenly recover.

Well,

why does it hurt you, sailor? Does it
hurt that?

Breakdown! Oh, I was afraid of that.

Appendicitis! What's the trouble, Chief?
Oh, sir, this man has had a sudden

attack of acute appendicitis, sir.

Appendicitis? He might have to be
operated on. Yes, sir. I'll go up to the

flight deck and have him warm up a
plane, sir.

Ernie, Ernie! Don't worry, sailor, I
won't leave you.

He sounds pretty sick. Yes, I'm afraid
so, sir. And the plane will have to

arrange for a blood transfusion. I hope
he can find his blood type B.

Does anyone on this ship have blood type
B?

That's what I'd be, sir. You do? You'll
have to come along with us, sailor. Grab

his legs.

Which way to the flight deck, sir? Never
mind the flight deck. Get this man

right to the sickbay. We have facilities
to operate here on the ship.

The plane is moving.

Oh, yes. Where is it here? Higher. Here?
Higher. Here? Yes, sir. Oh, it's just a

severe headache. I'll give you a couple
of aspirins. You'll be right back to

squeezing the oranges. Let's all work on
it.

So you have facilities to operate right
on the ship, sir.

Carry on. Thank you, sir.

Keeps no more operations, Sarge.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

Come on. Come on.

I'm not going to do it, Sarge. I'm not
going to do it.

We are telling you this is a safe plan.

For you it's safe. For me it's wet and
dangerous.

All you do is jump over. We'll never
take our eyes off you. We yell, man

overboard. They order a rowboat in there
for you. We keep rowing after you. Keep

swimming. First thing you know, we're in
Sam's Army and Navy store drying off.

Why do I have to do it? What are you
complaining about?

I already had appendicitis. That's
right.

All right. Which way is sure?

That way. To your right is San Diego. To
your left is Hawaii.

Be sure you swim to the right.

What? Wait a minute, Sergeant. I hear
someone coming. Oh, well, sailor,

remember, a life jacket is a seaman's
best friend. The maintenance officer...

Oh, how do you do, sir? Just inserting
the men in life jackets will, sir. Oh,

very well. Carry on. Splendid. Captain,
we're all prepared for Operation

Frogman. I can have a hundred men in the
water in five minutes.

No, I'm afraid you're going to have to
cancel it, Lieutenant Larson.

I just had a report that a huge school
of tiger sharks has been sighted in

waters. Tiger sharks?

They can tear a man to pieces in a
matter of minutes.

Come along.

All right, all right. Come down.

1 ,800 dumplings.

And we don't have to worry about getting
back. This meal will sink the ship.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Ted, Ted!

Carry on. Thank you, sir. Oh, uh, Chief,
I, uh...

I would like to ask a very special favor
of you.

Anything, sir.

Well, you see, this happens to be the
first time that my wife and I have been

separated on our wedding anniversary.
Oh, that's too bad, sir. Oh, I know it

will be fun, sir. Why don't you turn the
ship right around and go back and

surprise her, sir? I only wish that I
could, chief.

However, we've always managed to top off
our anniversary meal with a very

special dessert that she makes. Oh,
well, I'll speak to the pastry chef

sir. He won't find it in any of the
cookbooks, I promise you that.

My wife calls it a teddy bear.

Teddy bear sounds delicious, sir. It is,
it is, really. It's a sort of a...

Baked Alaska with chocolate sauce all
over it. Oh, well, sir, I'll see that

have it for dinner tonight, sir, and
happy anniversary.

Thank you, Chief. Thank you. I certainly
appreciate that.

My, my, my, that certainly looks good,
doesn't it? Oh, my thumb. Did you burn

your thumb, sir? Would you like some
butter? I don't know.

No, it's all right.

It's all right.

I got it. I got it. What, Sarge? What
have you got? The recipe for getting us

back to San Diego.

How? How? I've seen it in the movies.
The cane mutiny. This one officer tries

convince this lieutenant that the
captain is off his course. He does

him. So the lieutenant takes over the
boat and sails it right back home again.

Throw me to the sharks. It's safer.
Sergeant, I'm going to tell the

that the captain is nuts.

Look, I don't want to tell the same
pathetic story twice. I'll wait until

Lieutenant Larson gets here.

Now, you men, these dumplings look a
little heavy to me. I want the men to

light, fluffy dumplings. Now, what's
this big emergency about, Chief?

There's that macaroni and cheese for
tonight's dinner. Get to work on it

away. Aye, aye, sir.

Sir, where's the captain?

He's on the bridge.

Good heavens, he's not steering the
ship, is he, sir?

Of course he is.

Now, what's this all about?

Oh, sir, perhaps it's unimportant.
Perhaps the incident is just trivial. I

shouldn't have brought it up, sir. What
incident?

The teddy bear incident, sir.

What teddy bear?

The one the captain keeps asking for,
sir.

Oh, I could bite my tongue for bringing
this up, sir.

Perhaps it's unimportant.

I'll work with you men on that macaroni
and cheese. Just a minute, chief.

The captain asked for a teddy bear?

Yes, sir.

Are you sure you heard him right?

Sir. When the captain of your ship asks
for a teddy bear, sir, you listen

carefully.

Did he say why he wanted the teddy bear?

Oh, I'm sure he has some explanation,
sir. Not like that Captain Krieg of the

Cay Mutiny. Him with that fuss about the
strawberries.

Oh, he was a dilly, sir.

Did he have any kind of particular look
on his face when he asked for the teddy

bear? No, just like any six -year -old
boy who wants his teddy bear, you know.

Then there was this other thing, sir.

What other thing?

Well, after he asked for his teddy bear,
sir, he... He kept sucking his thumb.

Captain Spencer, it's hard to believe. I
know, sir, but... Oh, Chief.

Thank heavens he's off the bridge. Yes,
sir. Chief, I'm a little tired tonight.

I thought I'd turn in a little early. I
was wondering, could I have my teddy

bear now?

I didn't want to go to sleep without it.

Yes, sir. You'll have it in your cabin
immediately, sir. I'll be waiting.

Oh, Lieutenant, did the chief tell you
about the teddy bear?

Yes, he did, sir. I suppose I sound like
a sentimental old fool, don't I?

Not at all, sir. Now, how's your thumb,
sir? Thumb?

Oh, it's all right.

I hope you're not too late. What can I
do?

Well, sir, I hate to change it, but
according to naval law, you should take

the ship, sir, and sail us right back
home again, sir.

That's mutiny. Well, sir, it's either
mutiny or Captain Teddy Bear takes over

the wheel.

Got to think this over. Oh, Lieutenant,
I almost forgot.

Will you report to my quarters at once,
please? We have reached point X. It's

time for us to open our sealed orders.

Better work fast, sir. And the chief,
would you please bring another plate

you to my quarters? I want the
lieutenant to taste the teddy bear.

Taste it?

It's baked Alaska with chocolate sauce
all over it. My wife makes it. You'll

love it.

You know, that tongue of mine still
burns.

Yes, sir.

But you kept raising doubts.

I'll help you with that macaroni, man.

Sarge, you mean we're just going to go
in and tell the captain we're soldiers?

Look, we can't stay on this ship for six
months. We've just got to take what's

coming to us. That's all. I hope we're
all in the same jail.

It's a fine parley this has been, huh?
From army khaki to navy blue to prison

gray, well... Yes, come in.

Oh, you wanted to see me, Chief?

Yes, sir.

We have a confession to make, sir.

Confession? What is it?

Well, sir, we're proud to be members of
the armed forces, serving side by side,

and that is, sir, a man...

In the service is a serviceman, whether
he's in the Army or the Navy, sir.

That's a very interesting philosophy, of
course, but what has it got to do with

you? A lot, sir.

I was just thinking, sir, why couldn't
there be one service, and that way a man

could be in the Army and in the Navy,
sir? Oh, no, impossible.

It would never work. Oh, but it did.

What? I mean, it would, sir.

Just what is it you're trying to say?

Oh, sir.

I'll lay it on the table, sir. My men
and I are... I beg your pardon, sir, but

we're in San Francisco.

San Francisco?

Well, you seem pleasantly surprised,
Chief.

Our first stop on our way to Alaska.

Alaska?

Sorry, all of the men are going to get
36 hours liberty in San Francisco.

Now then, what was it you wanted to tell
me?

As you, sir, I... Oh, oh, it's just that
it's been a pleasure serving under you,

sir. It's like being in the Navy for the
first time, sir. Well, thank you very

much, Chief. Thank you, and have a good
time in Portland. Thank you, sir, and

until we meet again, sir, we salute you.

For the Captain, he did. Hooray!

Come to the next bus to Grove City.

Thank you.

We'll be back to camp in plenty of time.
Boy, it's good to be back in this old

army uniform again, kid. Besides,
there's a Sam's Army in every store and

port. Well, look, we've got three and a
half hours to kill in San Francisco.

What do you want to do? Want to see a
movie? Hey, Frankie, there's a big crack

game in town.

Yeah.