Original subtitles

Come in, gentlemen. There's no waiting at the gathering tables. Try your hand

chocolate. A spin of the roulette wheel. Thanks. Anything you'd like, they're

not coming in.

Oh, they're just a little shy. What they need is a little friendly persuasion.

Hey, you miserable creep!

Come on, let's get started, fellas. We're two hours behind schedule. Now

have to play after light's out. Rock will get the luminous dice.

Where are you guys going?

You'll have to count me out for tonight, Sarge. Me too, Sarge. I'll be out for

the rest of the month. What do you guys do with your money?

I'm warning you. If I catch any of you creeps sending money home, I'm warning

you. We didn't even get a chance to get it off the post. What are you talking

about? We're just getting started. This is Monte Carlo night. If you was Monte

Carlo night, for us it was Las Vegas night. Las Vegas night? It's right there

the bulletin board, Sarge. Sergeant Covington put it up. That's the guy.

Covington? Las Vegas night. Gambling, refreshments, floor show, sign.

Sergeant J .J. Covington.

Refreshments? Floor show? Yeah, he gives you a glass of ice water and does magic

tricks. Makes your money disappear.

part of them. I am!

You do this to me?

I am. Let me look at these faces.

May I tell you I don't like what I see?

It's too late for tears, Doberman.

For ten years I cultivated you boys, taught you all the joys of gambling, the

thrill of the roulette wheel, the excitement of a full house, and now you

finally get a hold of some money you can lose and you go to strangers?

We're sorry, Sarge.

Thank you, Fender. First thing in the morning I'll go to the bank and deposit

your apologies.

That's best, you quizlings.

Come in.

Sir. Yes? I wonder if I can ask the Colonel for a great favor. It'll only

moment, sir. What is it, Belko? Would you please try this on, sir?

A cowboy hat?

What for, Bill? Well, it's for my Buffalo Bill birthday ball, sir. You

man took a poll to choose a man whose climbing spirit most typifies that of

Buffalo Bill. And I won? Oh, it was a landslide, sir.

527 votes for you and only three for John Wayne.

Oh, yes.

Annie Oakley, will you tell her? Annie Oakley? Yes. Fender has come up with a

lovely idea. It's a buckskin sack dress. She'll look magnificent, sir. Why don't

you try it on for size, please, sir?

It's you, sir. You're the wild one.

If you'll just sign this, please.

What is it, Bilko? Well, it gives me permission to use the recreation hall

Saturday night for the walls. Oh, I'm afraid you're a little late, Bilko.

Sir? Yes, I've just given permission to Sergeant Covington to use the recreation

hall for his Northwest Passage Day dance. Northwest Passage Day? Mrs. Hall

are going as Lewis and Clark.

Sir, I thought... I must say, Bilko, that Sergeant Covington sure has some

exciting ideas.

Covington!

Oh, why, Ernie, this is a surprise. I know how you feel. I tell you how this

happened. I said to myself, I feel like an exciting date tonight. Who shall it

be? I said to myself, shall it be Mildred, Gloria?

Then it came to me like a flash. I said, no, Shirley Medwick is the lucky girl,

and here I am. Well, it's nice seeing you, Ernie. Bye.

Shirley, you don't understand, Shirley. It's me, Bilbo. I brought you these

lovely flowers and expensive candy. Yes. Well, give me a... Drink some time,

Ernie. Charlie, it's me, Vilco, with the velvet lips. Vilco with the dimples,

honey. You're awfully cute, Vilco, but you're not my type.

I've got to get rid of him. Yeah, there must be a

way. Hey, he's always down at the rifle range.

Suppose I ask for some extra rifle practice, right? I pick up the rifle, my

grafts are slipping, then... Ernie!

I'd miss. I've got to get a foolproof idea.

I got it, Sarge. What? Why do we plant counterfeit money on Covington? Then

he goes to the PX to spend it, we tip off the MPs and they nab him. Where do

get the counterfeit money? We make it. Well, I get 20 years so he can get five.

Oh, you and him too? Oh, well, you're self -righteous. Come on, you're acting

like a... Here's the mail for you. Thanks, Coleman. Here's to you, Hedge.

Thanks. For you, Ernie.

Who? Well, I'm still a little popular anyway.

What was that, Sarge?

It's an invitation to Covington's bingo game tonight.

Hey,

I got one, too. So did I.

Well, I'm waiting, gentlemen.

What's the other letter?

Hey, it's for Matty Michello in Japan.

A road supply sergeant? Yeah? What's he got to say?

Boy, what griping. Listen to this.

Dear Arnie, I'm stuck in a miserable little village called Wakota.

It's built on the side of an extinct volcano, and I keep hoping it will erupt

again. We could use the excitement.

Wakoto is the waste... Already.

A million miles from nowhere. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I would.

Covington? You're going to get Covington to go to Japan?

You'll never swing it, Ernie. Oh, Ernie, he's too smart.

Sure, he's too smart to stay here when he hears about a fortune in pearls

waiting for him in Japan.

I get it. You're going to tell him he can cut in on a big cultured pearl

business over there. Oh, I'm not going to tell him anything. He's too shrewd to

believe me.

Well, then how's he going to find out? From the biggest blabbermouth on the

post.

Pat Farrelly, look at the lady I saw at your house.

Hello,

Pat Farrelly. What's new?

Zimmerman and this girl.

No kidding.

But don't read a word to anybody. It's supposed to be a secret. My lips are

sealed. What do you want to see me about, Sarge?

Excuse me, boys. Would you run down to the supply room and pick up my laundry

there? Sure, sure. Thanks very much, fellas.

It's just a trick. I got no laundry. I wanted to get rid of them. What's up,

Sarge? Jeez.

Apparelli, you've got to help me. Yes, Sarge, yes.

Look, I've got to send a letter to Japan, the contents of which are so

secretive, I have to have the letter written in Italian.

Can you write in your native tongue? Sure, Sarge, fluently. Look, I do like

depend on you.

I'm ready, Sarge. I'm ready.

My dear friend, Eddie.

Miocardo! Now, you're listening.

Softly, softly.

Miocardo Eduardo.

Ah, your discovery of a pearl bed in Japan sounds like it's worth millions.

Millions? I expect to join you in Makoto the

minute my hitch is up here in eight months.

You leave in the army to go to Japan, Sarge? I had to make the decision,

Paparelli. Either I stay a master sergeant or become the cultured pearl

the world.

I'll sign it.

Your very dear friend, Ernie.

Tu gumbari est.

Well, Paparelli, I'll mail this myself.

Boy, Sarge, the cultured pearl king of the world. Look, what you just heard and

what you just wrote here must not be repeated to anybody in evil language.

Sarge. I knew I could trust you, Paparelli.

No, so you say...

Just some tomato paste and a little cheese, and that's how you make a pizza.

So long, Sarge.

Thank you, Paparelli.

How did it go?

Perfectly. Nobody will get a word out of Paparelli unless they ask.

Now I've got to get that Covington interested enough to ask. Poor

He's going to wind up in Wakota.

The way I look at it, he's lucky.

I could have sent him to Siberia.

Hi, fellas. Oh, here's Vilko now. How did it go, Sarge? I could use the money,

you could use the track. Oh, that's good.

Sorry,

fellas, I've got to play this. If it's too loud, I'll turn it down a little.

Lesson three, at the railroad station.

What time is the next train?

Yakota yuki wa nanji desu ka? Yakota yuki wa nanji desu ka?

Tough language, right on the roof of the mountain.

Where is the baggage room?

Benjo wa?

I'm getting it. I'm getting it. Hey, what's with the Japanese lessons? Wait a

minute. There's a very important sentence coming up.

I am leaving, sweetheart.

Kiss me goodbye.

Sayonara, Choco -san.

Sayonara, Choco -san.

See,

it all makes sense.

Not enough for the day.

Isn't it amazing how fast you can learn Japanese when you have to? What do you

mean, you have to?

Oh.

Well, you see, there's this waitress I'm interested in. She works out at the

Sukiyaki restaurant.

Now, all I got to do is get her down to the railroad station near the baggage

room.

Boy,

what some guys will do to get next to a girl. Oh, come on. Use your head, Banks.

Bilko's not going to that kind of trouble to get next to a girl.

Something's up.

We're going to keep our eye on Mr. Moto. Come on.

Konnichiwa.

That means hello in Japanese.

How did it go, Sarge? Perfect. I sneaked into the library. I sneaked into the

map room. I sneaked the map of Japan out, and I sneaked right back here. Did

Covington see you? Of course. He was sneaking right behind me.

He'll be snooping around here any minute. Pench, watch the window.

get out of here? After I raise the chair.

For what?

For the grilling. Move that chair over there.

That's perfect. Covington will sit here. His stooge, Banks, will be here. Right

in the middle will be Blabbermouth. Here he comes, Ernie.

Coochie, coochie. What? That means, come on, let's get out of here. Coochie,

coochie.

All right, now, Banks, let me do the questioning here. If anybody knows

anything, I'll find out. You got it? Got you, Sarge.

Hiya, fellas. No, no, no, no, please don't stand up. I just stopped by to

a little invitation, that's all.

Said the cat to the mouse. No, no, no, no, no, Angle. Just want you to stop by

the room tonight and watch the fights on television.

Well, it's here, boys.

Pay television.

Hey,

I'll be there.

Doberman. Doberman, you're looking great, Banks. Just a fellow who'll never

himself go to pot. Yeah, he looks great.

Gee, thanks, Sarge. I think an American soldier has an obligation.

Do you?

Oh, right, Doberman, but you ought to let yourself go once in a while here.

Have a Hershey bar.

Gee, thanks. I'll eat it after dessert.

Yeah, you can do that, Doberman.

Don't let me in on the plan.

Where can we talk?

What plan?

Never mind. That's all.

Hello, Dad. How are you? How's the kid?

Fine, fine.

Listen, I happen to have a little extra cigarette lighter here. I thought you

might like it. Cigarette lighter? For free?

You want something. No, no, no, no. Look, uh, Bilko let me in on the plan.

can we go?

What plan?

Bilko never lets me in on his plans.

By your own way.

Dino. Baby boy.

Leave me alone, Covington. I got nothing to say to you. No, no, no.

Really, Bilko let me in on the plan. Where can we go? How about Bilko's room?

Yeah, great, buddy.

You know, baby, just sit right over here, huh?

Make yourself nice and comfortable.

Now, now that we're all in on this thing together, suppose we talk about it. Not

so fast.

I'm not telling what I know till you tell what you know.

Well, you know about Japan.

What about Japan?

Well, about Bilko's scheme to sneak Japanese cameras into the country.

Japanese cameras?

That's nothing.

What about the cultured pearl business? That's going to make Bilko a

millionaire. Oh, I didn't know you knew about the cultured pearl business.

Are you kidding?

I wrote the letter to Eddie Michello. Gee, I've been meaning to write that to

myself. Say, tell me, how does he like it in, uh, Banks? What's the name of

town? Uh, uh, Wakoda?

Wakoda, of course.

You know, I'd love to get Bill to a nice farewell party.

What the hurry? He's not leaving till his hitch is up in eight months.

Eight months, huh?

Well, thanks very much, Paparella. You've been a wonderful help. Now,

I'll tell you one thing.

Let's keep this between ourselves, huh? What are you telling me for? You're the

blabbermouth. Me? Sure, I didn't know nothing about the Japanese cameras. Boy,

some guys just can't learn to keep their mouths shut.

Bilko's hit it big.

Yeah.

Eddie Michella must be sitting on a fortune over there. Bilko's going over.

Too bad he's going to be too late.

What do you mean?

I'm going to be there first.

By the time Bilko gets to Wakota, the only thing you'll find left will be

oyster shells.

Come on, let's go.

I am now Sergeant Covington.

Say hello to Red Potter.

Wakota, Japan.

Why on earth would you want to transfer over there?

Well, you see, sir, I've never been to the Orient, and I wanted the opportunity

to see that part of the world.

But Wakanda, why not a beautiful city like Tokyo or Yokohama? Oh, I've had my

fill of the big cities, sir. I wanted something more typically Japanese,

something like a quaint little fishing village.

Wakota, a fishing village?

You'll have to have a pretty long line.

The nearest water is 230 miles away.

There must be a link, sir. A friend of mine wrote me about lily pads or oyster

beds. Did he mention anything about volcanic ash? Because that's all they

there. Are you sure you have the right Wakota, sir? There is only one Wakota. I

was there right after the war.

Do you know what Wakota means in Japanese?

The city that was thrown away.

Bud, if you want to go there... Oh, no, no, if you don't mind, I've

reconsidered, sir.

It's a wise decision, Covington. I'll just tear this up. Oh, no, you better

sir. You never can tell when someone else might like to go there.

Thank you, sir.

What coat?

You!

Boy, when I saw Covington run to the colonel's office with that transfer...

Bud. What date do you want for any ride? Put down any date you want. All I know

is our competition is going for a boat ride all the way to Japan.

It's time. Time for the race results. Oh, turn it on.

Lady Luck finds me irresistibly safe.

And here are the results of the first race at Belmont Park.

The winner, County Cork, paid $6 .80. I'm hot!

I'm hot!

Stay tuned for further race results.

And now, the news.

And here is your 2 o 'clock news.

Dr. Carl Manhoff, noted research scientist, announced today the discovery

new wonder drug.

Acrocyllum, the source of the new drug, is reported to be a derivative of

volcanic ash.

Dr. Manhoff declares that the main source of volcanic ash is limited to two

locations, Mount Etna in Sicily and Mount Chiwaki in Wakota, Japan.

Did he say Wakota? Yeah, that's what he said. He said something about volcanic

ash being very valuable. That's right. And Eddie Michello is zipping on a

mountain of it.

Take a wire. Quick.

Dear Eddie.

I'm sending you money immediately.

Buy up all the acreage you can around Mount Chiwaukee.

I will join you as soon as I can. It's time to join me. You don't understand.

And that concludes our new broadcast.

All right. We've got a little news bulletin. Positive. I hooked into his

last night, and he never misses a race result.

Bilko in one.

Oh, glory. I finally put him where he belongs, right on top of an ashtray.

on top of an ashtray.

Clark, will you send in Mr. Bilko, please?

Mr. Bilko?

Excuse me.

I beg your pardon?

You want to kiss me goodbye at the railroad station?

You speak Japanese? I've made it splendid.

You see, I've spent so many years in Japan, I hardly know which is my own

language.

Oh, well, let's chat later. For now, let's get down to business, shall we?

You sit down, Mr. Bilko. Thank you very much.

Enough discussions.

I just got off the plane from Japan. I find it difficult to get used to chairs

again. Mr. Belko, what can I do for you? Oh, no. What can I do for you? Now, how

soon do you want to go into production with the new wonder drug? The what

drug are you referring?

Acrocyllin. Oh, isn't it a shame they didn't discover it years ago? If they

well, Typhoid Mary would still be alive today.

Oh,

you big businessmen. Oh, you have your tactics. You don't know what it is, of

course.

Henry Kaiser tried that on me in the last war. He kept saying, Aluminum?

What's that?

You sign this paper, and by next Friday, I can guarantee to deliver you 300 tons

of volcanic ash.

300 tons of volcanic ash? You are a little surprised, aren't you? As this

cablegram will clearly show you, this is from my representative, Dr. Michello in

Makoto. He bought 300 acres of it.

What are you going to do with all this volcanic ash?

Sell it to you.

I'm not one of those big businessmen who waits for prices to go sky high. No,

indeed. Sell it while you can.

Of course, if you don't want to do business, I can always go through the

people, the Dow Chemicals. Just a moment, Mr. Vilko. Of course.

Will you send Forbes up here?

Oh, is that Dr. Forbes of your laboratory?

No, that's Officer Forbes of the plant police.

Oh, good move. You want to keep me under guard away from your competitors?

No, Mr. Vilko. I'm going to have you thrown out.

What about volcanic ash? Don't you want it? I don't want any volcanic ash or

cinders or garbage. Who do you think you're dealing with?

Bob, show this man to the gate. All right, let's go, mister. Wait a minute.

don't understand.

What about acrocyllum? It came over the radio. I heard the newsflash right

during the race results. They said that acrocyllum... Race results?

Why would a newsflash be on the race results?

Covington. It was Covington! Ouch!

Covington!

Out! Oh, shut up. I'm just getting my shoes out. I hope your puns and blamings

blow out.

Well, I never thought this day would happen. A truce between Dildo and

Covington. Yeah, but Covington had the last laugh.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Here they come. Hurry up. Yes, sir.

Shall we proceed?

Agreed.

Corporal Henshaw, will you read the preamble, please?

Inasmuch as a constant state of warfare has proved costly and detrimental to

Sergeants Ernest G. Bilko and J .J. Covington, a meeting has hereby been

convened to negotiate a truce.

As of today, the camp will be divided into two sections. My line will extend

from the drill field clear through to the library.

Wait a minute, that gives you the PX? Oh, yes, that's just a mistake of the

ruler. Will you watch that, Corporal Henshaw, please? Make that adjustment.

Article two.

Control of betting and winning.

I will get the right to run a pool on the World Series and the Kentucky Derby.

You will have the right to the National Mouth Open and the Pulitzer Prize

winner. Agreed?

Wait. Who bets on a Pulitzer Prize?

Me, for one. I'll take seven to five on Ernest Hemingway right now.

I'll just take my delegation and walk.

Oh, okay.

Ten, please.

After you.

You.

Here you are, Corporal Barbella. A souvenir for your drinks.

I shake hands, huh?

Well, Mr. Yimmer, sounds like a wonderful opportunity for any soldier.

government feels that our new military school should be staffed with the finest

technical experts available.

That's why I've been visiting so many army posts.

You see, we'd like to get the top men.

I don't think you'll have any trouble getting men for such an attractive job.

All that extra pay and the housing accommodations?

Then do you have any men that I can interview?

I've sent for some of my sergeants who I think will be interested in the job.

You can use my office for the interviews. If you'll excuse me, I have

meeting. Thank you very much, Colonel Hall.

Sergeant Vilko reporting.

Oh, excuse me. I was told Colonel Hall wanted to see me. Well, actually, it was

I who wanted to see you, Sergeant.

I am Mr. Kyoto Yamura of the Japanese government.

Oh, Japanese government, huh? Really?

Well, I'll get right down to it.

How would you like to go to Japan?

Japan? Well, let me see. It can't be for the cultured pearl bit and the volcanic

ashes out. What is it this time?

We need technical experts at the Japanese Military Academy.

Oh, I see. Something legitimate this time.

I suppose I get a lot of extra pay for this?

Well, there is a substantial bonus, yes. Oh, swell. I suppose I have my own

house to live in?

No, we hadn't counted on that. But you will have a suite at the Imperial Hotel

in Tokyo.

A suite at the Imperial Hotel.

Pulling out all stops, eh, Charlie?

Then you'll go?

Oh, sure. That's what Sergeant Covington would like me to do, eh?

Covington? Who's Covington?

Covington is the jerk that hired you as a stooge to play Santa Claus. You know

who Covington is. Look, let me give you a tip -off, Buster. Don't let the

colonel catch you at his desk.

Imperial... Banzai!

I'll never understand these Americans.

Oh, miss, as soon as the next sergeant arrives, would you send him in, please?

Sergeant Bilko.

Definitely not.

Sergeant, great to come in here reporting. How do you do, sergeant?

I'm Mr. Kyoto Yamura of the Japanese government. Yes, sir. Now, how would you

like to go to Japan?

How would I like to go where?

Japan. Oh, how stupid can Bilko get?

Oh, I don't know what's so amusing.

You'd have a suite at the Imperial Hotel and...

Oh, the Imperial Hotel. Yeah, that's wonderful.

You're doing a great job.

Hey,

there he is now.

All right, Covington, I thought we signed a peace treaty, but this is the

you're going to conduct yourself.

Here's what I think of it, okay? Here, me.

You're the one that wrote the treaty. You and that hokey Mr.

Yamura. Come on, give me a little more credit than that. Hiring a phony like

that Yamura. That's more like your cornball thinking.

All right, be on your guard, Bilko. From now on, anything goes.

All right, Val, you ask for it. You won't know what'll hit you. Hurricane

is about to strike.

Hey, I've been looking all over for you. I want to say goodbye.

Goodbye. Where you going?

Japan.

Late weeks at the Imperial Hotel, a bonus, my own car, it's like a vacation

Peg. Hurry, Sergeant Grover, we've got to get to the airport.

So long, boys.

It was out of luck, yeah.

You better wait for me.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Keith Brazell as Sergeant Covington, Iggy

Wolfington as Corporal Banks, House Jameson as Mr.

Dupre, and Sho Onodera as Mr.

Yamura.